Kaniehtí:io
Paralyzed I sat on our camp and looked at the door, totally unable to react to the unexpected knock. Connor wouldn't knock and even if he did, he probably would have said something already. But who else should come here and have the decency to knock? I grabbed the knife, carefully crouched to the door and tried to see through a gap in the wall who was outside. I couldn't, but didn't have to anyway.
"Ratonhnhaké:ton?" Another knock and I was at the door in an instant to open it. Kaniehtí:io stood outside and looked me over with raised eyebrows until I realized that I was only wearing my shift and the fur over my shoulders. Embarrassed I wrapped the latter around my body. Obviously I had a knack for make an impression on my mother-in-law. No matter if it was a good or a bad one.
"I did not want to disturb you", Kaniehtí:io began. "I just wanted to talk to my son. But as I see, he is not here." She had shortly looked inside the cabin behind me and turned around to leave. Hastily I opened the door completely and took a step aside.
"He's hunting, but should be back soon. You can wait for him here...if you want."
She looked me over again and for a moment I expected her to reject, but she didn't. She nodded silently and stepped past me into the cabin. I noticed how she examined our bed for the night and believed to see her pressing her lips together, but this expression vanished as soon as it had appeared. Kaniehtí:io sat down next to the fire, putting the bundle she was carrying with her beside her and I suppressed the urge to offer her one of the furs. It seemed to be inappropriate after she had seen them on our place to sleep. So I did the same like her and sat in front of her by the fire. An embarrassing silence spread, at least I found it embarrassing. Kaniehtí:io looked serious but much more relaxed than I felt while her eyes move to my folded dress.
"Unfortunately it's...very uncomfortable to wear", I started hesitantly with the urge to say something as I followed her gaze. "That's why I took it off. I didn't plan to go outside so I'm...sitting in front of you like this. I'm sorry." I felt heat rising into my cheeks while I was looked over again.
"An apology is not necessary", Kaniehtí:io simply said. "I already expected something like this when I saw you stumbling through the forest yesterday."
I became even redder when I remembered the gazes she had given me on the way to the village. She grabbed beside her and gave me the bundle, which I took with confusion. Only now I noticed that it was a bundle of folded clothes.
"They are certainly more useful at the moment and will keep you warm."
I had to admit that I was so surprised by this gesture that I couldn't say anything while I unfolded the clothes. A skirt and a blouse which didn't seem so different from the clothes I normally wore. There were also a pair of leggings made of suede and something that reminded me of a woollen blanket but turned out to be a coat you laid over your shoulder and tied it.
"Thank you", I finally said and gave Kaniehtí:io a faint smile. She only nodded and again we became silent. I was unsure if her silence based on the fact that she didn't want to talk to me or that she was as taciturn as her son. I could deal with the latter, but the first was more difficult to accept. I wanted to take the clothes as a sign that she wasn't rejecting me as much as I thought. Maybe not as a sign of friendship but as a sign of approach. I tried to read something like this in her face but like Connor, she was good in hiding her emotions. Her face was almost blank while looking into the flames in front of her, but in this moment I saw Connor, sitting in almost the same posture by the fire yesterday. Was she thinking about what happened like he had?
"Kaniehtí:io, I..."
She raised her eyes as I started talking and interrupted me immediately. "Ziio."
I blinked in confusion. "Excuse me?"
"You do not have to stumble over my name. Calling me Ziio is enough."
"Well then...Ziio." I lowered my eyes to my hands I was kneading. I wasn't sure if I could find the right words but I wanted to speak out what was bothering my soul. "I wanted to apologize", I said quietly and raised my eyes again to look at her. "My appearance really was an ambush, I know. But it never was my or even Con...Ratonhnhaké:ton's intention to insult you and I certainly didn't want Ratonhnhaké:ton to leave your village because of me. I know how much you all mean to him, especially you as his mother and I don't want to be the reason for you to fight. What happened was my..." I stopped as Ziio raised a hand and shook her head.
"This is nonsense", she said shortly and I bit my bottom lip. Her tone was hard. Did I insult her after all?
"That you two are here is the responsibility of our clan-mother, not yours. She forced my son to make this decision and I can neither reproach him, nor you." She looked into the flames again, but kept talking. "Your appearance really was an ambush and I was anything but thrilled and I still do not know what to think about all of this. But I believe Ratonhnhaké:ton that he loves you. I know him good enough to see when he is really sure and is talking honestly to me. His decision to leave the village with you was the final proof and I accept it, although I still have my doubts. The life we are living is different from the life you know. Do you actually know what it means to live with a man like him?"
A faint smile curled my lips when I thought that this question was expected and I could understand her. I had used to fear that the cultural differences could break mine and Connor's relationship's neck in the end. I thought of how much we had learned about and from each other by now. Certainly I didn't know everything about Connor's people yet, as less as he knew about my. But until know we had always managed it to get over these differences and the resulting, possible conflicts. Either through acceptance, which was the pillar of everything or through compromises as we had made them for our wedding or Emily's education. Yes, I knew what it meant to live with a man like Connor but I also knew that I couldn't tell her. From her point of view, I never had had enough time to learn everything I had learned over the last years, as much as I hadn't been able to get used to the "simple" life.
"I probably don't know enough yet", I answered and decided just to talk about my thoughts I had had over the last years. Especially in the beginning when I had been the woman Ziio saw in front of her now. The woman who wasn't used to work or to take responsibility. It was the most honest way to explain myself to her.
"I am aware that it's an entirely different life and certainly not an easy one. At least not for somebody like me. But I don't mind. I'm ready to get to know this life and to adapt myself no matter how hard it's going to be, I know that I can do it. I want to because the life I lived has nothing to offer to me anymore. I need no wealth and comfort as long as I can't become happy. Knowing Ratonhnhaké:ton by my side makes me happy."
"That is what you are saying now. But what will happen in a few weeks, months or even years? When we are having hard times and you think of your old life where everything used to be easier. Will you still be happy?"
I frowned and cocked my head. "Of course. If I love someone and decide to live with them, getting over the hard times belongs to this decision. You cannot do it with fleeing into the apparent light-heartedness. It wouldn't be sincere."
A bitter smile flitted across Ziio's face as she turned her eyes to the flames. Maybe she thought I was naive. Blind, but wasn't I right? Of course it often hadn't been easy for me to adjust myself and especially my ideals to my new life but I had done it and had made it because the alternative would have meant that it had been a mistake to fall in love with Connor and come to him to America and I had always known one thing: It certainly hadn't been a mistake. It hadn't been easy all the time and it still wasn't but I was happy and leaving Connor was unimaginable. The memory of the grief and the incredible pain I had felt after this terrible fight about Ray, when I had been sure that our marriage was over. I never wanted to feel like this again and the thought of it alone caused a treacherous burning in my eyes so I quickly turned them to my hands.
"He's already part of my life", I said quietly and touched the ring-finger, where I normally wore the symbol of our bond. It wasn't there and still I didn't need it. I raised my eyes again and looked straight into Ziio's eyes which were almost the image of her son's. "If you worry I could hurt Ratonhnhaké:ton with leaving him, believe me this is never going to happen. I want to be with him and I'm totally serious about it."
Ziio didn't reply anything. She only looked at me and it made me nervous that she seemed to have the same ability to hide her feelings like her son. I would have liked to get an answer. No matter of which nature. It was important to me that she didn't think that Connor and I were together because of some sort of adolescent carelessness. Especially because we had left this heated age behind us long ago. But an answer never came, because our attention turned to the door as it opened and Connor stepped inside. His eyes widened in surprise when he saw his mother and I almost expected him to drop the filled bag he held in his hand.
"Istá? What are you doing here? I did not await you."
"I wanted to talk to you", Ziio answered and her gaze shortly slid to me. "And I used the chance to do the same with Lillian."
Now Connor looked at me, too. He seemed to be insecure but although I didn't know what Ziio thought about our conversation, I gave him a reassuring smile. The corners of his mouth twitched upwards, before he turned to his mother.
"What is it you want to talk about?", he asked and Ziio stood up.
"I want to talk to you in private", she said and stepped to him to the door, where she turned around again. "Good bye, Lillian."
"Good bye. And thanks again." I put a hand on the pile of clothes beside me and got a short nod as an answer before Ziio left the cabin, Connor following her. When the door closed behind them, I leaned my back against the wall behind me and took a deep breath. I hadn't noticed that I had sat there as if I had a broomstick instead of a spine. The conversation with Ziio had been more pleasant than I had expected it after yesterday. She hadn't hide her scepticism but I was glad she hadn't. It was her right as a mother after all. She only wanted the best for her child. I certainly wouldn't feel different if Emily should – in a hopefully distant future – come home with a young man. I hoped that I had made her doubts disappear. We certainly wouldn't become friends but I wanted Ziio to have a good feeling with her son's choice. The clothes she had given to me were a friendly gesture after all.
My fingertips slid over the blouse's fabric which I picked up and unfolded it. Now I saw that it was different from the clothes I knew. Its light-brown fabric was thicker and much heavier than the woollen pieces I wore in the cold seasons. Furthermore it seems like you simply had to pull it over. I saw no buttons or laces to close or tighten it. Involuntarily I became sceptical if this piece of clothing was going to look like I had put on a sack. But I was curious, too and so I unfolded the other clothes as well and wrapped myself out of the fur. Keeping my shift on I pulled the blouse over my head and it reached down to my thighs. It was anything but underlining my shape but didn't look like a sack. It fell pleasantly over my torso and was giving a hint of my shape. Furthermore I had noticed an embroidered leather belt when I had unfolded the clothes and I wrapped it around my hip after I had slipped into the skirt and the leggings. After a short time of consideration, I wore the top over the skirt and now it looked like a waisted dress and I liked what I saw when I looked down. The clothes were pleasantly to wear, were comfortable and warm, especially when I throw the coat-like fabric over my shoulders. Then I slipped into my boots, which were now the only remaining pieces of my old clothes beside the shift and the stockings. I didn't mourn them at the moment because I felt comfortable as I sat down on our bed with a satisfied smile, putting my long hair over my shoulders and braiding it, so that it wasn't hindering anymore. I finally felt set back into my habits and it have a feel of safety despite the ongoing confusion about our current situation.
When the cabin's door opened again, I was still sitting on the fur but had already started to wash and prepare the eatable roots Connor had brought in his bag. I paused as Connor entered and closed the door behind himself. Until now I hadn't asked myself what Ziio had wanted to talk about, but now I got concerned that my good feeling when they left had betrayed me. But Connor's face said nothing like this. He came to me, sat down next to me and waited until I had put everything out of my hands and turned to him.
"Is everything alright?", I asked, but now I saw a sparkle in Connor's eyes which drove my concerns away. A smile flitted across his lips as he nodded and returned my gaze.
"My mother wanted to talk about yesterday. She said she has thought a lot about everything, especially because of my decision to leave with you and obviously your conversation did the rest. Whatever you said to her, it affected her decision. She said she still has doubts but that she takes us seriously and that she is giving us her blessing."
With his last words, his smile had widened and at first, I couldn't do anything but to stare at him in surprise while my heartbeat quickened.
"You mean she...accepts me? Us?"
"I think this is what she meant with her blessing, yes." Connor appeared amused but I didn't care. I beamed and embraced his hands with mine. "This is great."
Connor nodded and looked down at our hands smiling. "This is not everything yet. She wants to talk to Oiá:ner and ask her to take us in again. She can make no promises, but she wants to come back tomorrow and it is possible that we can return to the village. That you will be welcome."
I didn't know what to say. Since all of this had begun, this was the first time that something really good was happening and I was incredibly happy about it. It made me happy to see Connor like this. So happy, optimistic, relieved. The rejection of his people towards me and him, had saddened him, but now everything was going to be fine again and I was sure that the chance to return to the village was less important for now. He had told me that he found it good not to get used to the life in the village after all. There was only one person he had really cared about: His mother and that she had assured him her support for his decision must have taken an incredible burden from his shoulders. No matter if all of this was going to end and we returned to our "reality", this decision was going to remain in his heart. I wished it so much.
Connor gently pulled his hand from mine and moved a bit away from me to let his eyes roam over my new clothes. "My mother gave them to you", he said, still smiling.
I nodded. "She saw that my clothes were hindering me and wanted to help me. I'm really grateful."
Connor took his time to have a close look at my appearance and really seemed to be pleased with what he saw.
"It lacks of jewellery but I have to admit that I like to see you in these clothes", he finally said and brushed the embroideries on the belt with his fingers and raised the same hand to let my braid slide through it. "It suits you."
A smile appeared on my face as he said this. To get a compliment from Connor was rare enough, but even in their simple ways they were special and made my heart beat faster.
"Thank you", I murmured, wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer for a kiss. I felt the corners of his mouth rising when he pressed me gently against his body. I enjoyed this moment of closeness, which was interrupted by the growling of my stomach too soon. The whole time I had felt no hunger, but now it demanded attention. I screwed up my face while Connor chuckled and pulled away from me, shaking his head.
"I left you here the whole morning without food. I am sorry. We should cook what I brought."
That sounded like a good idea.
We spent the rest of the day in the forest. I hadn't wanted to stay in the small cabin, especially because there were no heavy skirts that could hinder me anymore. Connor led me through the valley where he had spent most of his childhood and youth. For me it was a forest like every other one, but for him it was a place full of memories. Good and bad and I could see that he enjoyed strolling through this familiar area. I knew that he had avoided it since he had found his village abandoned a few years ago. Now we stayed away from this village that was anything but abandoned and we didn't talk about a possible return either. We talked about how to go on neither, although Connor had promised it in the morning. It seemed like he had forgotten it for now, but I didn't want to remind him. It would mean that we talked about getting home and away from here. Away from Connor's mother and I didn't want to do this to him. We spent another peaceful but cold night in the cabin but I pushed my disappointment and uneasiness aside when I woke up, because I had hoped everything would be over this time. I was lying on my back and stared straight at the cabin's ceiling. I heard a constant trickle. Obviously it was raining and a look to the side through a gap in the wall confirmed it. Drizzling rain fell down to the ground. The typical weather in autumn and one reason more to stay under the warm fur and set no foot out of the door. But like yesterday, I couldn't bear smallness of this cabin. I turned my head to Connor who was still asleep, one arm laid over my hip and his head buried in his other arm. It seemed like he was fast asleep but when I carefully lifted his arm to sit up, he opened his eyes and blinked at me lazily. "Where are you going?"
"Outside. Fetch some water, wash myself..."
Connor frowned and sat up enough to prop up on his arm and being with me on eyelevel. "Alone?"
I smirked. "No. I wanted to ask Madame Lièvre and Mademoiselle Chevreuil to accompany me."
"And who are they? Nobody else lives in this valley." Now Connor looked confused and I had to suppress a laugh in the face of his expression.
"Mrs Rabbit and Miss Deer", I explained grinning and laughed when he huffed and shook his head. He murmured something about me making fun of him, but I knew that he didn't take offense at it. He knew me.
Connor sat up, ran his hands over his face and covered his audible yawn before mumbling: "I will come with you. Rabbit and deer are not the only ones around here."
"I would prefer it", I admitted smirking when I stood up and wrapped myself into the coat-like cape. The river was only a few steps away, but I still felt better if I didn't have to walk around in these unfamiliar surroundings alone. According to Connor, cougars were still living on the plateau on the other side of the river after all. I wouldn't prefer ending as a predator's breakfast.
When I stepped in front of the cabin, the wind blew the fine raindrops into my face, leaving a shimmering film over the grasses and bushes. Fog wafted over the leaf-covered ground but I frowned as I looked through the trees, down the river, where the fog was much thicker and greyer. There was also a strange scent in the air. I hadn't noticed it in the cabin. Maybe I had thought it was coming from the fireplace, but here outside it was more intensive. The scent of smoke. I felt a shiver running down my spine when I realized that it was no fog. From the corners of my eyes I noticed how Connor left the cabin and stepped beside me. He froze when he saw the thick, grey wall. Rabbits, roes, foxes and other animals ran out of it. They were in panic.
"No, not again", I heard Connor whisper before he ran. I stayed for a moment, like frozen to the spot and only when he disappeared in the supposed wall of fog, I ran after him. The scent of smoke became stronger and stole my breath as soon as I was surrounded by it. It stuck in the wetness of the air and although it wasn't so thick that you couldn't see anything, it burned in the eyes and made me blink which didn't make it easier to get through the thicket. I couldn't see Connor anywhere, but I knew where he was heading to. To the village. I got sick with the thought that it probably was the source of the smoke because until now I hadn't seen anything that looked like a fire between the trees. When I finally reached the path to the village, this fear became cruel reality.
At first I only saw an orange flicker in the grey smoke but then the village's palisade rose in front of me and I saw the flames, biting through the longhouses' roofs, heard the crackling and cracking and the desperate screams of women, men and children. It felt like something wrapped around my chest and tied it up painfully tight. My breath faltered as I entered the village and finally saw what was happening. The village lay in ashes. Flames flickered through two of the longhouses. Women were trying to extinguish them. Children, armed with buckets, were running to the lake on the other side of the village to fetch water, Wreckage was scattered everywhere, still smouldering. Wreckage and bodies everywhere. Warriors of the village, some of them still with their weapons in their hands were lying beside men in the blue robes of the former patriots I had got to know as the cruel messengers of an illegitimate king. The ground was soaked with their blood. It looked like a battlefield. I didn't need to ask what had happened. I knew it. Benedict Arnold had carried out his threat and had attacked Connor's village while we had slept peacefully in our cabin. Tears rose into my eyes, not only because of the smoke. I had never seen something so brutal before. So much death and sorrow.
I didn't want to stand around useless, so I ran to the group of women who tried to extinguish the flames which were destroying their existence. I wanted to help them, but when I wanted to take a bucket of water from one of the children, I was shoved aside and looked into the angry but tear-stained face of one of the women. She hissed something in her mother-tongue and made an unmistakable gesture with her arm. She wanted me to go.
"I want to help", I said, knowing that she didn't understand me, but I pointed at the flames and the water-bucket. But she shook her head and pointed into the opposite direction, to the palisade. I gulped as I looked into the other women's faces, who were all unrelenting. I had no choice. I nodded slowly and turned away but instead of leaving the village I went further, searching for Connor. My gaze roamed over some villagers who were attending to the bodies, separating their relatives from the enemies. I heard women and children crying and noticed that it seemed like only the older of the men remained. Everybody else had fought and were either badly wounded and treated or belonged to the dead who seemed to be the superior number.
My heart became heavy as I found my way through the village which was now full of sorrow after I had seen it so peaceful and lively two days ago. But with all of this I had to think about what Connor must feel right now. He didn't see all this for the first time. In the contrary. He had already found his village in ashes once. Back then as a child, he had lost his mother in the flames. Now he was adult, the attack on the Mohawk had never happened in this reality. Until now. I needed to find Ziio. If I found her, I would find Connor, too, I was sure of it. I just hoped Ziio was fine.
I approached the longhouse where Connor had packed the things for our departure into the forest. It had fallen victim to the flames, too but they were already extinguished. The roof had collapsed. Wreckage lay around and inside the soot-blackened building. The entrance was only a black hole where I stopped hesitantly to look inside. Nobody was here and I was relieved in the face of the destruction. I went on and when I walked around the house, I found Connor. He kneeled on the ground and the blood froze in my veins when I saw that he was holding his mother in his arms. Her dress was stained with blood, but most of the blood was on her chest and Connor tried to hold it back with pressing his hand on this spot. Pure desperation was in his eyes. Ziio was conscious but struggled for keeping her eyes open. Her breath was weak and irregular and with a strained, quiet voice she said something in their language without turning her eyes away from Connor. He nodded as he replied something and I saw a small smile flitting across Ziio's face before she closed her eyes. She did some more breaths which became weaker and weaker until they died away. Connor's arms around her tightened as he pulled her closer. His shoulders slumped forward, as well as his head. I felt like everything around me blurred away. Every noise, every image. I just stared at Connor who clung to his mother, as if he could undo what had already become reality again. Connor's mother was dead.