There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief," – Aeschylus

Observation deck, Heavy Fleet Vessel (HFV) Neema, March 23rd, 2184, 17:33 RSC

She caught a pair of silvery orbs trace along her body, unashamed, staring at the contours of her figure. She knew she was attractive, or at least her figure was considered so, a slim waist, toned stomach, flared hips, and well-shaped hindquarters. She felt her breasts left much to be desired, but this particular suitor appeared to heed them special attention.

The stares were commonplace, the environmental suits that her people wore left little to the imagination, but it had not excused her present suitor's intense "admiration" of her; she found it made her uncomfortable. She shifted her position, leaning against the side of the railing facing the man hoping to discourage him. It worked for a moment, but his own eyes had not made contact with her own.

The quarian man's eyes flitted around the observation deck nervously, "Tali, it was a pleasure. Will we do this again, sometime?" She scoffed, a rude gesture undoubtedly, but she hoped to make her displeasure known to the man. "No, Jun, we will not do this again. I wish you the best of luck, however." The man appeared taken aback but it didn't matter, she had earned the reputation of a depressed, heartless woman, but she didn't care. She shrugged it off, finding that once again her thoughts were drawn to her own longing for eye contact.

The simple act was not common amongst quarians, the visors prevented that or at least that was the excuse. Perhaps her pilgrimage on board a human vessel had spoiled her, perhaps her interactions with her late captain had spoiled her. She sighed, memories of the man flashed before her filling her with joy and melancholy. Her own feelings for the late captain had taken time to develop, but once she had taken the time to understand them, she allowed herself to be consumed by them.

It was exhilarating, harboring such intense feelings for another being, an alien no less. In her heart she had known she wasn't attracted her own species, her childhood crushes trending towards the Turian actors in movies like Fleet and Flotilla. There were even a few crushes on asari that confused her. Her attraction to a human, a species so similar to her own, therefore wasn't a surprise.

But to her it was beyond his physical attributes, those that made him the most handsome men she had seen. Her feelings for the man went further than the crushes of her youth. It was how he paid attention when she spoke, how despite her visor his eyes always found hers with a caring glance. He had learned her language, her culture…

Tears were pooling in her eyes, she blinked, feeling the warmth stream down her face. She had tried to move on, but found she couldn't, reluctantly allowing herself to be courted at the behest of Shala'Raan but no one had captured her attention or treated her like Shepard did. And she was starting to wonder if it would happen, and if she was truthful, she never wanted it to.

"Ah, there you are ma'am. Admiral Raan asked me to keep an eye on you. How did the, uh…courting go?"

She chuckled, "Kal, we've known each other for years. You're one of my closest friends, you're my brother in all but name, and still, you call me ma'am."

She knew it was a game he played, knowing the obnoxious politeness of the marines annoyed her. But what she had said was true, Kal'Reegar was one of her closest friends and the trust she held for him was immense. He had been her confidant as of late, along with Lena, as she struggled to accept Shepard's death. It was a long, laborious process her healing but she thanked the Ancestors for their patience.

"I know, ma'am," he adjusted his red veil and stood beside her, placing his elbows cautiously on the railing. "You didn't answer my question though, Tali. How did it go?"

"Keelah, Kal. Are all quarian men such pigs?" She now joined him in leaning against the railing, staring into the blackness of space. "Uh, pigs?," he questioned, trying in vain to search for the term on his omnitool.

"It's a Terran animal, Kal. It's seen as dirty, gross. So, I ask you again. Are all quarian men pigs?" The disdain with which she uttered those words made him shudder but he seemed to understand her predicament.

"I like to think I'm respectful, Tali. But, what happened? I saw that there was a considerable distance between you, did he say something wrong?"

She scoffed, "he barely said anything, Kal. He just pretended to listen, but kept staring at my ass and chest," she exhaled sharply a poor attempt at staving off tears, "I'm tired of it. I don't need a mate, Kal. I had one, or was going to have one, and he's gone, and now I…"

She couldn't help but let her tears fall, the sobs now echoing through the observation deck drawing concerned glances from the assembled crowd. Kal ignored them placing a gentle hand between her shoulder blades.

"Let's get you back to your room. I think Lena's there and we can talk through this, together, how does that sound?"

A meek nod was all she could muster and she allowed herself to be guided through the halls of the Neema. The door to her quarters opened, Lena greeted them cheerfully however her smiled faded once she saw Kal furiously shaking his head.

"Tali, what's wrong? What happened?" She ignored Lena's questioning, instead willing herself to calm enough to respond.

"I miss him, Lena."

"I know, Tali. I know," she said gingerly, placing her arms around her friends shoulders, "now what happened? How were you reminded of him?"

She rested her head on her friend's shoulder, her own sobs subsiding slightly.

"We don't make eye contact, Lena, Shepard always did," the quarian woman was about to respond but she cut her off. "Human eyes are expressive, do you know that? We used to talk for hours, even after missions where we both we tired but he'd never show it. He always had a look in his eyes when he spoke to me, it was caring, soft. He was always interested in what I had to say."

Lena rubbed her back, "he sounds like he was a great person, Tali. Why don't you tell us more about him?"

"He was so thoughtful, Lena. He learned Khelish for me, to make it so I was less homesick, he bought a drink and food sterilizer so I wouldn't have eat nutrient pastes all the time. He even bought flavored pastes just for me."

"He really did all that for you?" Kal asked, surprised someone, especially a non-quarian went through such effort to appease her.

"He did, Kal. And you know what, I don't think anyone will come close to treating me like, again. I love you guys, you're my closest friends and I trust you and know you'd do anything for me…but I just…I feel so lost without him."

She once again let herself be consumed by the sorrow that secured itself to her mind, her soul crying out into the darkness in hopes of finding its other half.

"I didn't even get a chance to tell him how I felt, I was too nervous, scared of what he'd say. Now I'd give anything to tell him that I love him, even if he didn't feel the same. And now I can't even talk to him again."

Her tears burst forth like a torrent her cries piercing the silence, an indescribable pain that to her people had one name: felz'elt. To some it held the meaning of a severed soul, separated from its bonded pair, the sundering of the whole. To others, who hadn't held to the spiritual elements of "the path," the complex quarian bonding ritual, it was an intense grief for the loss of a mate.

Regardless of belief felz'elt was the quarian manifestation of agony, of anguish, a pain so severe that death itself was preferable, a welcome respite to unite with a lost partner. But she hadn't lost a mate, a partner, she had lost her closest friend.

"Is something wrong with me, Lena? I'm…acting like this and we hadn't even bonded. He wasn't my mate, he hadn't even given me a sign that he was the slightest bit interested in me."

"Tali, there is nothing wrong with you, okay? Trust me. And while I can't tell you his true feelings, from what you've told us," she gestured at herself and Kal, "that man cared for you. He went out of his own way to make your feel accepted, comforted when he hadn't needed to. I can't be certain that those were due to romantic feelings, but he absolutely cared for you, Tali. Don't forget that."

Kal now stood and kneeled in front of her, a brief quiet while he contemplated his own response. "He isn't gone entirely, Tali. 'A lost soul leaves enough pieces to be found,' and from what it sounds like, he left quite the impression. He's still with you, like your mother is Tali. Just because they're not here, doesn't mean that they're not still with you."

She looked at him, "she was my mother, Kal! I'm acting like this over a man that made me feel less alone. And what gave me attention? A crush, Kal. That's what it was, I need to accept the fact that he's dead and isn't coming back. He was a friend, and that was it."

He shook his head, "you don't mean that, Tali. That man mattered to you. And he treated you like she did, doing what he could to ensure your own happiness. So don't give me that. He may not have been your mate, your bondmate, but he was as close to it as he could get, regardless of if he expressed the same interest you had in him. And despite all of that, you loved him." He placed a hand on her shoulder, "why don't you pray to him? Talk to him? Ask the Ancestors to offer him guidance."

She snorted, she hadn't meant to, but her own loathing was boiling inside her, "he's not quarian, Kal. He's human, he also didn't believe in his own 'God,' I doubt he'd believe in the Ancestors." He ignored her, simply continuing by sitting beside her, "that may be true, but if your own soul is lost, perhaps speaking to him through the Ancestors will offer comfort to you? It doesn't always have to be what the other person believe, you know."

She lifted her head and looked at the man, a softness now in her own eyes, "do you mean that?" He nodded, "of course. Your soul has been singing its tortured song to the wrong audience. Lena and I will listen, no matter what, but we're not who it's intended for."

A smile graced her face. She knew he didn't believe; he was much like Shepard in that regard, but he thought that she did, despite her own belief being tenuous at best. Still, it offered her comfort that her friends were willing to listen, to talk her through her own issues. But now she wanted a chance to be alone, to take Kal's advice and talk to the man she loved wherever his soul rested.

"Can…I get some time alone…to talk to him?" Kal nodded his head, "of course. I have a training to lead anyways, but let me know if you need anything, okay?"

"Of course, Kal. Thank you." She smiled and then turned to Lena who embraced her with all the strength she could muster.

"I'll go talk to my mother, let her know that these arranged meetings aren't good for your well-being. Please, don't hesitate to call me if you need."

"I will, Lena. I promise." She returned the hug, releasing the woman from her grasp. Her friends left, her only company the groans and humming of the ship.

She closed her eyes, memories of her time with her beloved former captain traversing her mind. Her breathing relaxed, finding solace in the comfort of memories. His handsome face, light touches on her arm, a close embrace.

"Shepard, I…I'm sorry I haven't…" she took a deep inhale, "even now you make me nervous." She chuckled to herself, "I know you probably think I'm silly, talking out loud to myself, but you're going to hear what I have to say, you bosh'tet."

She laid down on the bed and closed her eyes, he hands clasped and resting on her stomach. "I…miss you, Shepard. Not a day goes by where I don't think of you. You made me feel cared for, loved, like no one else before except for my mother…she would've loved you, Shepard. I bet she would've teased me for bonding to a human, but the fact you made me so incredibly happy? She would've adored you."

She laughed, "I guess I can say it now, I love you, Shepard. I'm sorry I never told you when you were with us, but I loved you. I still do, and I won't ever stop." Tears again began to form in her eyes, unable to stop, due to the pangs of regret coursing through her mind.

"I'm so sorry, I never told you, Shepard. I was worried you'd reject me, but now? I'd give anything to see you, again. To hear your laugh, to see your face. To just…hold you, Shepard."

Her choked sobs now filled the room an anger beginning to well inside her, seeking a release of feelings not expressed but tampered down for the last several months.

She took her knees to her chest, followed by a sharp wail, Shepard's name echoing through the small room. "Shepard! Please! Come back to me! I need you! I can't…"

She heard the door open, Lena rushing in bounding towards a drawer at her desk, reaching for what she now saw was a small syringe. It was a rare occurrence, where she'd become so grief-stricken that a sedative was required to alleviate her distress. While rare, it happened enough that Lena found it appropriate to store small samples of sedatives in the event of one of her episodes.

"Tali, it's okay. I'm here, I need you to stay calm and still, okay?" She did her best to remain still, her rocking slowing while Lena attempted to find her suit's injection port. A click reached her auditory receptors, followed by a cold sensation flowing through her veins.

The edges of her vision turned black, unconsciousness slowly creeping in. "Lena," her voice now slurred, "why did he leave me? Why?" The last question was a soft whisper.

She found no response, instead capitulating to the enticing pull of sleep. Perhaps she'd see him in her dreams.

She could only hope.

Medical bay, MFV Apollo, January 13th, 2185, 13:05 RSC

She woke with a stretch, her lithe form spreading across the cramped space. She was greeted with a satisfying wet crack, but then her back hitched unwilling to move further.

"You know, it may be just a pulled muscle and pinched nerve, but I'd advise against stretching like that, or you'll make it worse," Lena chided, her feet propped on her desk.

"I know. I know," the pain evident in her tone, "where's Shepard?" Lena walked beside her and handed her a pill with a container of water, "here take this, it's a muscle relaxant. It'll help with the pain and no need for an injection."

She took the pill, opening her helmet's induction port in the process, and placed it gingerly on her tongue the bitterness of it quickly spreading. "Gah," she said between gulps of water, "that tastes terrible, Lena."

Her friend shrugged her concerns off, "medication isn't meant to taste good; you know." She shook her head, wanting to offer a playful rebuke but found a yearning, a need to know where Shepard was.

"Lena, you didn't answer my question, where's Shepard?" She found herself rising into a near-panic, had she dreamt of his return of his presence? Had the attack from the heavy mech caused her to spiral into delirium, to hallucinate?

"He's still here, Tali, don't worry. You weren't dreaming it. He's in the CIC with Prazza, a request came from my mother and the Patrol fleet requesting additional support escorting our mining vessels from the Osun system. Apparently, there's a Blue Suns prison in system and she doesn't want to take chances."

"Does she know that…" Lena nodded, "yes, she's aware Shepard's the human refugee. She requested to speak to you, but Prazza informed her of your injuries and of the new captain. I swear, the onetime his arrogance would have helped, he decided to be humble," she growled.

She snorted, "he's an arrogant ass, but he respects command, even mine. But Shepard? It's as if Kal'Reegar himself was aboard."

Lena let out a gasp, "oh, speaking of, I forgot I messaged Kal while you were asleep. He wishes you well and that he's hoped you found a semblance of peace."

She thought for a moment, she was at peace. It wasn't closure, an acceptance of his death an invitation to move on and cherish the time she had with him. It was hope, an undeniable hope that perhaps her feelings might be reciprocated and that her own soul would unite with what she knew was her other half.

Of course, she hadn't known his true feelings, it had been almost two years and even then, she had doubted he had developed a serious attraction or feelings for her. She knew he cared about her and that was it, and for now she knew that was enough.

"I am, Lena. For the first time in what feels like ages, I am at peace. He's here, alive. I can talk to him, touch him. I just…I have these strong feelings for hi-" Lena cut her off, "you love him, Tali. Be truthful with yourself. You don't have strong feelings for him, you love him. Strong feelings wouldn't make you act like you did while he was absent. I know for a fact you wouldn't act like that if it were me or Kal," she raised her hand to stop the inevitable rebuke.

"I'm not saying you don't care about us, Tali. I know you'd be distraught, and you'd mourn us, but you wouldn't cry out our names or wallow in a constant depression for a year and a half. And here he is, alive again by the grace of the Ancestors, a scientific breakthrough, I don't care. I am not letting you squander your second chance."

Lena then turned to the terminal at her desk, a seeming indication that the conversation was done. But the message resonated with her, the bluntness of it had left her stunned. She hadn't expected Lena to be quite that truthful. She wasn't wrong though, she'd mourn Kal or Lena if they died but not to the extent that she had been with Shepard.

Arguments still bubbled in her mind despite that, questioning Lena's insistence she reveal her love, her 'bond' to Shepard. If she was rejected, and he wished to no longer be friends, she'd be inconsolable. If he had reciprocated her feelings, but somehow, he died again…

She pushed the thought aside returning to the less depressing although still crippling doubts. Her old haunts returned, centered on if he'd be able to see past her condition, her people's condition. The prospect of a lack of intimacy the sole reason preventing him from pursing a relationship.

During her time on the Normandy, she had downloaded several guidebooks and videos detailing the "human condition." It had started simple, downloaded guidebooks from asari and human authors explaining countless human facial expressions. From there it progressed to understanding human body language, which to her amusement was quite similar to quarians.

But as her own feelings for him evolved, with their true meaning made clear, she made advancements into the subject of human intimacy. "Human's and courtship," "Human relationships and how to understand them," were the less depraved titles but her research had excited her. Human relationships were eerily similar to quarian one's. Courtship progressed down a predetermined "path," whose elements were similar.

Human courtship she found consisted of three stages that she herself had equated with their quarian equivalent; a path to the mind, to the "heart," and to the "soul." These stages of course had different names but their progression was recognizable.

She had entered the quarian pemla'tiyl on the Normandy, the human concept of "dating" was a loose equivalent but it still held similarities. In this stage she began to divulge her innermost feelings and thoughts to him, finding he himself had shared his own.

Pemla'tiyl was the path to the mind the start of potential relationships or close friendships. With Shepard she found she had progressed down a divergent path toward romantic feelings, or hecs'tiyl, the path to the heart.

In this stage she had entered a near-exclusivity, her heart belonged to him even if he hadn't realized it. And it was here when her own insecurities erupted. Had Shepard gone down a path similar to her and Kal, where he viewed her as a close friend and nothing more? Or had he developed similar feelings but hid them, due to quite simply to the fact that physical intimacy would be difficult.

The latter thought depressed her, feelings not pursued due to a circumstance out of her control. The guidebooks insistence on physical intimacy being an integral part of human relationship had depressed her further, cementing the idea that he'd never want to be with her.

It wasn't as if quarians themselves weren't fond of intimacy, nerve stimulation programs and cleanrooms existed for a reason, but for the most part those urges were suppressed, tempered due to the nature of their predicament. For humans however it seemed that physical intimacy was an integral part of relationships. Slight touches on the arm, the small of the back, intimate embraces, loving kisses on the forehead. She found herself craving these intimate gestures, downloading her own nerve stimulation program to simulate the tightness of his embrace, five fingered hands running along her body, a delicate kiss placed on her lips…

She sighed, she had thought these doubts, these insecurities had withered, to be replaced by a longing for his mere presence that was unsatiated due to his death, but now he was back and those thoughts had returned. Perhaps Lena was right, she didn't know why he was back, but he was, returned to her by an act of the Ancestors. It would take time, to work past the nagging doubt, to understand that her bond was true, was legitimate.

She loved him deeply, and while she herself was slowly coming to understand how strong that attachment was, she knew that she would not waste a second chance.

But for now, a dull ache. The calls of a wandering soul remaining unanswered.