Date posted: 14th July 2023

Hey everyone, last month there was no update because I only had two reviews for the latest chapter which sapped all confidence and drive from me so I worked on some original fiction for that time. So if you don't want a repeat of that, you know what you must do.

Okay that's a lie, no MP or Sinonon next month either. MAYBE Sinonon, but no promises. For … special reasons.

Chapter 20: Refund Policy

"I created you. And you created me."

"Spider-Man, why did you create that guy?"

"I-I didn't! He's talking crazy!"

- Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

Chaos engulfed the fields outside of Fort Eternal Vigilance. The crowd that was cheering and having a good time a few hours ago had boiled into a mob as PoH's drug worked its nefarious magic on them. People were throwing mugs of alcohol, rocks and whatever else they could get their hands on onto the stage but the lord of Eternal Vigilance was long gone.

The Watchmen led by Sergeant Hamid had sallied forth from their fort with clubs and shields to control the situation as those of the field either started to flee or huddled in their camps. Merchants were already leaving, caravans being packed and on the road, with only the sheriffs keeping them in place. In the tower, Steward Tupi took charge of the chaos, delegating roles and giving orders in a way that he was born for.

Nezha felt his throat go dry. His eyes darted back and forth from PoH to the strange elf with the sword. Sweat beaded his forehead as his legs froze in place. Guld's katana was in hand but now it felt like dead weight. He didn't actually want to cut down PoH and he absolutely wasn't prepared to take on the elf.

The only thing that was calm was the cat on her shoulder, unphased by the madness. The elf stroked its head. "For your crimes against the Kingdom of Oakhome, and as a Knight of the Royal Guard, I sentence both of you to death."

"W-w-wait for a second! Don't I get a trial?" asked Nezha, voice croaking.

"Not for those who waged war against Oakhome." Her voice was sweet and alluring despite the death threats, the curiously pale white sword of hers almost absorbing the light around it.

PoH chuckled despite it all, twirling his butcher's cleaver in hand. "Oooh, it's been a while since I've danced with one of you. What happened to your partner, in good health I hope? Oh wait, no, he's dead."

The elf's purple eyes blazed with a madness. "He had a wife and children, you bastard."

PoH grinned, baring teeth. "And when I'm done with you, I'll come after them next."

Nezha did not see either PoH or the elf move, just a blur of movement and the clatter of blades striking each other. After a quick swipe of ten, they were both too fast to see, the two fighters found themselves further backwards from where they previously stood. The cat on the elf's shoulders wasn't even phased, glaring at PoH, fur standing on its back, hissing.

"I'll cut your heads off," she said.

At that, PoH only laughed. "Well Nezha-kun, I feel this is where we part ways. Don't worry, I'll be sure to let Throatcutter know you said hi. I am a man of my word."

"Wait, what are you -" He felt something hard in his spine, PoH's boot propelling him towards the elf as he ran away into the crowd.

It was only the odd practice session here and there that allowed Nezha to keep his head on his shoulders. The bone sword, and it was definitely bone, came at him fast but he held the katana up just in time to block it with amazing force, propelling him away from the elf. "No! No! Don't -"

She came at him again, striking her curious one handed curved sword at him with the force of a warhammer. He felt his bones creak, his arm going numb as he clumsily blocked her strikes. It was the closest thing to pain the game was able to recreate.

It should not have been possible for bone to beat steel but this was exactly what was happening - the bone sword of the elf was slowly chipping away at the katana, bit by bit, sparks flying all about. That was not supposed to be possible and Nezha would know. It was only thanks to his smith's STR that he had not yet died.

He took the chance to counterattack. He took a step back and swung with the grace of a drunkard, completely missing. The elf dropped and launched a vicious sidekick. Nezha heard a crack and down he went, katana flying away from him.

He tried to get up only to have the elf plant a foot on his chest. Normally, being stepped on by a woman was something he had to pay for but this wasn't what he had in mind.

"You stay here. I'll go catch your friend."

"We're not friends! More like … allies of convenience."

She raised a brow at that. "And that's why you engage in subterfuge together, yes?"

"Well …" Damn, she got him there.

The cat walked up next to Nezha's prone body and the elf picked it up. She whispered something into its ear, gave a quick kiss and placed the beast upon his chest. He felt the breath knocked out of him, as if he was punched in the chest.

He tried to move and only accomplished to wiggle in place. The little cat on his chest, which probably realistically only weighed a few kilos, felt as heavy as his old anvil.

"Stay put," said the elf, though whether it be to the cat or him, Nezha couldn't tell.

Then she was gone as everyone around him started fighting or running. Nezha could hear the sounds of fighting and yelling and shouting, and the sound of clubs cracking heads, stones pelted on shields, feet stomping around him and he felt fear of being stampeded.

Yet all he could do was look at the fuzzball on him and the orange sky above.

Yuuki had never been on the Frontlines, nevermind on a battlefield.

The tales of tens of thousands of players in neat lines of infantry, squadrons of cavalry flanking a horde of monsters, and mass arrow volleys excited her as she read those fantasy books she was too young to read at the hospital. A test of mankind vs monsters, of the common man or woman rising to the challenge to become great heroes.

This however was the opposite of that: it was a sports riot, the worst kind of battlefield. No handsome knights, no grizzled sergeants, no cool horsies. What's the point? Why was she even here? Why was she stuck in a stupid Death Game? Why are we in this world at all? Just to suffer?

Then she slapped her forehead. "Duh, I gotta get to Kirito-san. Focus, Absolute Sword, focus!"

Yuuki raced down the hill only to find a wave of humans running up to the fort. Using a bad word that the nice sisters at the orphanage told her not to use under any circumstances, she pivoted off road and to behind a row of stalls the merchants had set up lest she be run over and die - not a very cool death for a soon to be great hero like her.

With an agility that she rarely used, Yuuki launched herself up a chair, onto a table, to a stack of crates and onto the roof of the stall. From there, she hopped from stall to stall, another thing the sisters at the orphanage told her not to do. When you can't even spar and the only thing you're allowed to play is hopscotch and jump rope, you tend to be good with your legs. The other children at the orphanage could have been champion basketball players in another life.

The bleachers and stage were in sight and so was the violence. The Watchmen were a terror on the game field, hundreds of hours of training and fighting undead, beavers and Rumine easily trumps the uncoordinated mess of an angry mob. A fair number of the crowd barely even seemed to notice the squad of disciplined mailed fighters upon them.

She took a knee, shading her eyes with a hand to look for Kirito. She could not see neither long pretty hair nor expensive silk from the CEO. There was that elf lady sprinting down the road, sword in hand, chasing something, only to stop and look around, a look of frustration on her face. Well, that was none of her business.

As she continued to search, she felt something iron grab her ankle and down she went, sword dropping to the ground.

She hung upside down as a big man looked at her sternly, a wicked looking battle axe in hand. "Hey kid, what are you doing here? I almost cut you!"

Her eyes went wide. "Burger Keeper! I require aid!"

"Burger Keeper?" asked another, a robed man with a satchel bag, hiding behind an overturned table.

Agil sighed. "Vladimir-san, this is Yuuki -"

"Absolute Sword," she corrected.

"Absolute Sword. She's uh … a helping hand. That there is Vladimir-san and his assistant."

Another head poked from behind the table, dressed similarly to the man. The other girl had big brown eyes and two cute brown pigtails. Yuuki's own eyes widened. "Silica-chan?!"

"Yuuki?!" said the other girl. "I thought you were dead! We all did!"

"Absolute Sword is not so easily slain." Sure, starve or freeze to death, that was a possibility but slain? Nay! She was too fast for the Reaper. And she wasn't even about the personification of death, but skeletons with literal scythes that she kept running into somehow.

Agil put her down. The wagon turned eatery was barricaded like a mini-fort, the dining tables acting had legs fitted with spearheads, two guards/waiters were holding the entrance down with spear and crossbow. Within the eatery proper, other tournament goers were taking shelter, sitting on the grass on picnic blankets and being served food and drink as they weathered the storm.

"So … a helper, eh?" said Vladimir. He was clearly a foreigner and he spoke Japanese very well with only a tinge of an accent; he looked to be in his early twenties.

"He pays me to do quests with burgers." Yuuki once heroically slew ten rats by repeatedly throwing her sword at them in exchange for two burgers. She was very good at it.

Silica-san however was a bit more upset. "What the hell, Yuuki! The orphanage sent people looking for you! You can't just run off like that!"

"Well, what are you doing here, following this weirdo?" she shot back.

He cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses; a completely unnecessary piece of eyewear considering everyone who logged in had perfect twenty-twenty vision. "This weirdo works for the orphanage. Where do you think you get all your healing supplies? It's folks like me who go out into the world and get them. Silica here wanted to help, so she's my apprentice of sorts," said Vladimir.

"And I get paid!" said Silica.

"So you signed up with someone who doesn't even go dungeon diving, laaaame," said Yuuki, rolling her eyes.

"We actually do that too!" said Silica, but Yuuki's attention was already elsewhere.

"Wait, why haven't you left for the fort? Kirito-san said you had shelter rights," she asked the cook.

"And lose my chance for profit? Hell no!" Agil gestured to his other workers, handing out drinks and food to people passing through. They were actually stopping mid-run, handing money, and taking their food away with them. "Besides, my staff can hold down the fort against any rioter."

"But that's an axe, not a staff," said Yuuki.

"No, I meant my employees." Agil turned to Silica. "Is she always like this?"

"She never completes her homework, so yes."

"Enough of dumb and useless stuff like Math! I need to find Kirito!" said Yuuki. She had gone her entire life without a single use of sin, cos or tan, she'll never start now or ever.

Her explanation was brief and all over the place, much like her attention span in the classroom but they all got the gist of it. "Well Yuuki-san, I'd give you a potion to help you get through all this chaos but there's a 90% chance you might just die," said Vladimir.

"Heroes don't do drugs. Innkeep, give me a burger, I require energy to get through this obstacle," said Yuuki, palm open.

Agil narrowed his eyes. "You're not gonna pay me back, are you?"

"Is doing a good deed not a reward on its own?"

He sighed. "Last I saw, Kirito was on stage with the other judges. His bodyguard took him away. If you make it in time, you might get to him before the crowd tears him apart."

"Aren't you his friend? Why aren't you running to go save him?"

At that, the cook smiled. "Aah, I've known Kirito for a while. He's a tough son of a bi - burger, he'll be fine." Yuuki doubted that a man who puts more effort into his hair and clothes was in any way tough but whatever, he was her employer not her friend.

"You could help, you know," she said to Silica.

Silica rummaged through her bag and tossed her a bottle. "Hey, this is half empty!"

"That's what you get for drinking my chocolate milk all the time. Be thankful I'm giving you any at all."

So off she went, burger in her mouth, recreating the ancient tradition of a schoolgirl late for school with a piece of toast in her mouth. It wasn't as easy because she couldn't breathe well and she was almost certainly going to die choking on her food, but a hero cares not for such things like proper dining etiquette; if you couldn't scarf down an entire roasted turkey in ten seconds, can you even call yourself a hero?

She had finally found Kirito - and he was completely surrounded. Kirito and the judges, who included the paladin, the knight and the militia commander, plus his master-at-arms, were outnumbered one to five. The mob consisted of strangely overweight men with tunics tied to their heads and body paint celebrating their teams, hurling insults and debris at the poor officials. All of the men had hands on their hilts, save for the ex-robber knight who held up a shield and was fending off the mob with a warclub. The tension was palpable for it was clear the group could have taken on the mad mob but refused to do so.

These were worse than a horde of undead or a mighty dragon, no, these were the lowest dregs of humanity, barely could be called humans:

They were sports hooligans.

Robert swung his club about, his falchion noticeably unused on his waist. He hit nothing but air and the mob at the front backed away, jeering and mocking all the way. Most of them were armed only with STUFF AND STUFF but numbers were a quality on their own. There were even some drunk Rumine in the group, with bows and arrows. Yuuki doubted they'd hit any of them but someone was going to get hurt.

"Everyone, stay calm! You'll be properly compensated at tomorrow's award ceremony -"

"Shut up! We want our money back!" yelled a drunk local.

"I want more money for what your thugs did to us in the dungeon!" yelled another, a Granumite woman whose arm was in a cast, one of the angry mob back in the dungeon a couple days ago. "Refund!"

Someone threw a rock and struck Commander Emeri in the forehead, breaking skin and drawing blood. At that, he wrenched his sword out. "Who did that?! I'll have you flogged!"

"Commander, calm down, please!" pleaded Brother Rays, holding the older man's wrist.

Ser Reginald took charge, pushing Kirito away and getting to the front. "Go back to your homes! You're all drunk! Don't do something you'll regret!"

It was a mistake; a far larger rock struck the knight right in the temple and he was down, almost dragging Kirito down with him. Everyone in the group was stunned, Robert turned his head to see - it was at that moment the crowd chose to charge.

There was no time to lose - Yuuki swung her hips and threw. "Kirito, catch!"

The merchant held his hand up and reached for sky. «Wicasa's Legacy» flew high, as if the essence of the great sorcerer guided it. He caught it.

It was at that moment that Absolute Sword realised she lacked her namesake. She also realised giving the merchant the sword probably will do little to nothing at all to stop the angry mob, and in the event that the judges turned violent, there was no guarantee that the five of them, with one already knocked out, could take on the brutish hooligan horde.

She also remembered that she was a small girl and everyone around her was an adult. Yuuki felt something crashing into her as feet upon feet trampled onto her, slowly but surely depleting her health. Panic threatened to consume her as the false facade of a fantasy hero was torn away in the footfall of a hundred steps.

For once in a very long while, Yuuki Konno was afraid of death.

On the first day of Sword Art Online's launch, when he found that the logout could not work, and Akihiko Kayaba actually trapped tens of thousands of souls in a Death Game, Kazuto Kirigaya made a vow to never fight again.

A year of in-game testing, helping his seniors at Argus, doing everything from level and monster design to balancing, and squashing every bug he could, and the man he looked up to betrayed all of them. So consumed was Kazuto with guilt and fear, dying in a world he helped create, he almost fell on his own sword to call out Kayaba's bluff.

There was however no such bluff. People died in the thousands trying to log out. The only way to do that was to reach the 100th Floor.

In an attempt to level up as fast as possible, Kirito found himself the closest dungeon to dive into only to find himself unable to even enter it. The «Fish Eater Goblin Tribe Cave» was a popular spot to grind for beta testers, but he found himself terrified.

When a single goblin poke its head out of the entrance, he ran away, and almost had a panic attack in the wilds around it. There was no way he could fight through SAO! He was just a kid! An intern! Everyone's little brother! He had to be an adult for Suguha for such a long time, he almost forgot that he too was barely an adult.

So he decided on the second best thing to do: he would hire someone else to fight for him.

He went to the field of blue slimes where players far braver than he were taking on the challenge and training. He chose Asuna for two reasons, she was clearly a practiced fencer with how she wielded her rapier and when asked about dungeon diving, she had admitted she'd never gone in one but was confident to try out.

"Are you sure about that? We might all die horribly and never see our loved ones again. Aren't you afraid?" he asked.

At that, Asuna merely flicked the remains of the slime off her rapier and sheathed it, giving him a wink. "A great general once said the eyes of cowards never sleep. You can't be brave without being scared, that's just human nature. I'll protect you as best I can, Kirito-san."

To this day, Kirito considered Asuna his best ever investment in his company. It certainly helped that she was very easy on the eyes, and the breakup with Akiko still stung.

But over the long course of a year plus (God, has it been a year?) of warring against Kayaba from the sidelines, he would be lying he didn't miss fighting. It was Asuna who got the kills, it was Asuna who protected him from threats big or small, and when Sinon and Argo joined up, the amount of action only increased. It was Asuna leading her own small army, it was Sinon who slew fowlbears, slew corrupt guardsmen and hunted bison with a lance. It was Argo cracking skulls in taverns and running her impressive information network from one place; there was no way in hell Kirito would have gotten buddy-buddy with so many government officials without her help.

So now here was «Wicasa's Legacy» as if dropped from Heaven itself. Around him, Commander Emiri already was already parrying stones with his sword, Brother Rays was trying to heal Ser Reginald with a spell, and three hooligans had snatched Robert's club from him and were trying to tear away his shield.

He could just spy that Yuuki girl with her arm up only to be lost in the crowd of hooligans. But he didn't see Yuuki at all. He saw Suguha.

He walked up to the man who stole Robert's club, each step quicker than the last, and hit him on his head with the sheathed sword. The sound of the scabbard striking skull was like the crack of lightning and it surprised everyone, including Robert and the judges.

The man went down, eating dirty as he went, his black hair spotting a fair amount of red.

Everyone was stunned and took a step back. Kirito gave a vicious grin, more than a decade's worth of sword fighting returning to him. "Anyone want a piece of me? Come on!" He kicked at the knocked out hooligan. "Come on and get your damn refund!"

He had everyone's attention now. "Now listen here you drunk and mad bastards!"

Kirito pointed to the treeline aways away. "There's an army of undead coming right for this fort! Tens of thousands of them!"

Well maybe not tens of thousands, but in such a situation he allowed himself some hyperbole. "And leading them is a cult of necromancers, practitioners of foul magicks, animating the dead with their blasphemous arts!

"I know there has been some … difficulty with the past few days but you need not be …" he was trying to find a more politically correct word for how they've been acting, "rude about all this. And if you all would just CALM DOWN and move away, you all just trampled a little gi -"

He saw it.

In the face of overwhelming fear, it took a minimum of two people to rally the crowd: the first man to step up and the second man to follow. The second man was the most important because he was the straw that broke the camel's back, and signaled the rest of the crowd to follow the leader.

Kirito immediately saw the Step Upper and the Follower, the former throwing a rock right at him. Instinct took over, for he had caught a javelin thrown at him by some creeping goblin a hundred times over and the clumsy throw of a wooden mug was like a child throwing a toy in anger. He caught it and immediately lunged forward and swung hard, knocking the teeth and lights out of the Follower. She went down in the dirt just like the first man.

The crowd responded and came at them.

Robert had picked his club back up and the entire group was unsure what to do. "Chief, what do we do?"

"The only thing we can do, fight!" Kirito turned back to the militia commander. "Sheathe your sword, commander! We get to the fort with no deaths! Follow me!"

Not bothering to see if the others did, Kirito plunged himself into the crowd, using sheathed sword as easily as he would use his own shinai. Even with his relatively low level and low stats, he hoped his fighting experience would have to be sufficient.

Fighting a mob of hooligans, he discovered, was not so different from fighting a horde of zombies; not the disciplined ranks of phalanxes of long past, held by the dim memory of ancient empires, but the mindless undead barely held together by magic and the desire for human flesh. If anything, Kirito found the mob far easier to handle, with the actual fear of getting hurt and the lack of cannibalism.

Even at a low level, with minimal investment in Attributes or Perks, the brief time of training with Asuna and Ser Reginald was paying off. These people were civilians, drunk and angry, and he had hundreds of hours in the beta and years of fighting to draw upon. The scabbard went thwack thwack on skulls, arms and knees. He broke noses, gave black eyes and purple lips. It was like cutting through wheat.

Kirito swung it about, creating space for himself and the others. Brother Rays carried the knocked out knight by the shoulder, while both Robert and Emeri protected their flanks, the former expertly using his shield to block the incoming barrage of rocks and junk.

They came to the prone Yuuki, dusty footprints on her back and her long purple hair. He rolled her over with the tip of his foot. "You okay, kiddo?"

She was drooling, and bleeding from her nose. Had she been an anime girl, had swirls over her eyes. "Uggnngh. Absolute Sword will … exact vengeance!"

"Yeah, you're fine. Commander, pick her up! We need to break through!"

The further they swam through the crowd, the easier they became. The group had left a trail of broken and moaning bodies in their wake. Perhaps it was the coming of the night and the drop of temperature, or perhaps the mob's anger had reached its limit, but at the edges the crowd fizzled out, content with getting drunk or vandalising whatever they could get their hands on.

On the other side of the field, the squad of armoured Watchmen were cleaning up. Kirito winced at the amount of people hurt overall and knew for a fact he was going to say goodbye to that million Col profit (rewrite this). They were almost there …

They were on the cobblestone path when a man stopped them. Clad in a padded vest and with tekpis in hand, his small stature bellied his fighting prowess. His stance was sloppy but the grip on his iron rods was sure and firm.

"That's. My. Sword. Asshole." Kid Lat's speech came off slurred and the smell of corn beer could be smelled from here. Kirito took a deep breath; fighting the champion of the melee is the last thingh e wanted to do.

"Look, buddy. You want this sword, you can get it tomorrow and the awards ceremony," said Kirito. He sure hoped that the trophies for Asuna and Kizmel were still around, if not, he'd have to melt the silver and bronze to get more gold.

"Nu-uh, asshole. You know what? I don't even want it anymore! It's already second hand and ruined!" Kid Lat twirled his weapons, his drunkenness doing nothing to impede his impressive dexterity. "I want a new one and I want it now."

"I haven't even used the blade!"

"Too late! You used the scabbard, I saw it from here." His eyes narrowed on Kirito. "You practice kendo, right?"

"Yes."

"Ohohoho. That was some champion level moves there, merchant! I've seen kendo matches before, you're good, I can tell!" He held both tekpis forward, the grey iron solid and heavy. "Unsheathe your sword."

"No."

At this, Kid Lat frowned. "You're a fighter, I can tell. Unsheathe it."

"Absolutely not."

"Why, you think you can take me on with a sheathed sword?"

"No, it's just I don't want to kill you."

"Lord Kirito, let me," said Rays. "I can take him."

"Not in your condition, Rays. We need your know-how for the horde and we can't afford you to be MIA." That, and the ghazi was worse off healthwise with all that book reading. High level as he was, he might actually get seriously injured.

"You can escape, lord," said Robert. "I will fight him."

"No, we need someone to man the walls and lead the rest. Asuna and Hwiatha aren't back yet, you're the highest military authority here and Tupi needs help. Just go! The rest of the Watchmen will catch up to me!"

Reluctantly, the group went up the hill and past the champion. Kid Lat did nothing to stop them. He took a fighting stance, both tekpis forward. Kirito did likewise.

He could almost laugh at the absurdity of it all. A tournament consumed in chaos, armoured guards beating down a crowd of hooligans, an undead horde on the way to destroy his fort, some elf chick hunting down a fugitive, and now here he was, dueling a drunk Filipino with the setting sun as the background.

Deep down, there was absolutely nothing more than Kirito would have wanted than to pull out his blade and cut everything down before him. To be back on the Frontlines, leading the charge on foot and on horse, the first man up the wall and relive the fond memories of the beta. But he knew if he started now, he'd get himself killed one way or another.

Then again, commiting all this time and effort into rebuilding the fort was going to get him killed too, so maybe deep down, Kazuto Kirigaya was probably a hypocrite.

Kid Lat snorted. "Suit yourself, but I'm not pulling my punches."

"I'd be insulted if you did."

He had to give it to SAO, this was the last thing he'd expect when it came to playing this game.

Asuna crouched in the bush, the plates of her cuirass creaking so loudly she was afraid of giving her position away. The weight of the brigandine was slowly digging into her thighs; sneaking armour this was not. Across the small valley, she could just spy Sinon's blue hair peeking from under her hood. The horses were well trained and made no noise.

Hwiatha was at the mouth of the valley, on foot with the best and most heavily armed knights. With her spyglass, Asuna could spot stout dwarven skeletons in their heavy plate and horned helmets, marching in lockstep; behind them a horde of shambling dead made up of both the long and recently deceased; robed necromancers were astride in matching white horses, staves in hand, chanting unclean spells.

Her right greave had taken a hit from something in the last battle and she hadn't the time to hammer out the dent. The metal was digging uncomfortably into her shin and though SAO lacked pain sensors, it didn't lack discomfort sensors. Just another thing to thank Kayaba for.

She'd have Argo do this scouting thingy and stand with Hwiatiha but Asuna had sent the Rat off to warn the fort.

"Don't worry, Aa-chan, I'll get there like that one Greek guy at Marathon!"

"You do know that Pheidippides died of exhaustion when he reached Athens, right?" She always wondered what he would think of the modern marathon; personally, if she were to die running long distance, she wouldn't want it to be immortalised as a sport.

"Who's Fee-diddle-dee?"

"Nevermind. Are you sure you don't want a horse?"

She insisted otherwise. "These horsies can't run uphills as well as I can. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, after all."

That she could not argue. She gave her a note she had written on what had transpired so far and took the staff that Sinon had been carrying around. "That there is a rough map, the number of enemy troops, the number of troops and civilians we have in our train, plus suggestions on what to do next."

Argo read it quickly. "Huh, weird. There's no sweet talk in this at all."

Despite the situation they were in, Asuna found herself blushing. "Can you stop thinking about sex just for once?"

"Sex? What sex? I was just thinking about declarations of love, how you would protect him and your oath as his knight, that kinda stuff." She grinned so widely it made Asuna want to slap the whiskers off her cheeks. "Tsk tsk, Aa-chan. You're thinking so dirty I'd almost mistake you for Sinonon."

"Just get outta here before I kick your ass."

She saluted. "Aye, aye, captain. Don't worry, I'll give Kii-bou a smooch for you."

And she was off speeding into the treeline, immediately tripping over something, cursing, turning around and giving Asuna a thumbs up before disappearing from view. Maybe Asuna would be better off sending Sinon instead. Too late now.

Across the valley, Sinon and the villagers of Master Kariwase had hidden themselves in the treeline, chopped whatever trees they could into logs and placed them at the lip of the cliff. It was not a particularly deep valley, being just shy of a man's height, but no man, undead or not could withstand a full log dropped onto them. Asuna disliked using civilians for these sort of operations but they were particularly well drilled with their crossbows, volunteering to stay behind, allowing the women and children to flee to the fort on the carts.

"They're almost here," whispered Heathcliff, watching the enemy with his own spyglass, an expensive trinket that even most guild leaders could afford. "A hundred strong at least, a relatively small part of the host if I had to hazard a guess."

"Small? A hundred's a lot!" she whispered back.

"Yes, but the shambling dead here are particularly low level. A mob's level value is based on a few things like their Attributes, Skills, and Equipment. By themselves, they're not a huge threat, even for a low level player, but their numbers can overwhelm us while their elite «Dwarven Steelbreakers» hit us where we're most vulnerable. Hwiatha-san is going to be in trouble if we don't take them out soon. If you think dwarves were tanky in life, you'd be surprised how tankier they are in death." He shook his head. "I apologise, captain, I should not have given unsolicited advice."

"It's alright. I've never fought these Steelbreakers before. It's good to know these things." She did fight a bunch of skeletal dwarven miners, but Asuna suspected these Steelbreakers were a level or ten above that.

The entire marching line had entered the mouth of the valley. Idiots didn't even have proper scouts. "Let's get back to the horses."

When they returned to their mounts, the sound of battle had begun. No doubt the logs had already done their job of breaking the flanks of the company … squad? Horde? What kind of unit designations do necromancers use? She'll have to ask Brother Rays later on.

The cavalry they had were light, most of them being Watchmen and caravan guards with notions of heroism and that one Rumine lancer who was 100% ready to scalp a wizard or two. Usually, desecrating bodies was a war crime but the Geneva Convention had no power in this world. Asuna would allow it.

They raced to the other end of the valley, lances in fists, hooves thundering. Heavy cavalry they were not and the Granum jousters would not allow their expensive destriers in their own shining armour to be used by anyone else leaving only Asuna and Heathcliff with mail barding and the sellswords with padded armour. It wasn't the flower of Granumite chivalry but if it was good enough for Alexander and friends, it was good enough for her.

The necromancers were already dead, their lifeless bodies still hanging onto their horses. Their shiny bronze breastplates doing little to deter the heavy bolts from Sinon's new siege crossbow. Must be the slayer letting off some steam there from her underground adventure.

They crashed through the back of the undead, Asuna's shamshir taking heads as easily as farmer's scythes harvested wheat, heavy horses knocking over bodies like bowling pins. The easy part was done, now it was onto the dwarves.

Asuna could spy Hwiatha wearing his shiny new breastplate, holding the Owl of Wicasa aloft in one hand, his tomahawk in another. She and her cavalry poked and struck with their lances to no avail, the study tower shields of the dwarves proving far too effective. Stout as trunks and melded to the earth, the horses did little to make them budge, even being attacked from both sides. The Rumine woman fell and had to be saved by Heathcliff lest she die to bronze axeheads. Asuna had a Watchman to sound a retreat for another charge.

At which point, Sinon and the villagers had already made their way to the melee. With careful shots, she had the crossbowmen attack the dwarves and the bolts found their way through the gaps in their armour. The last of the dwarves died to Hwiatha's chipped tomahawk, taking three whacks through its aventail to behead it. It was over.

Asuna summoned her officers as she allowed her motley crew first choice of booty.

"This is the third group we've attacked," said Hwiatha, whose arm was currently being bandaged. "I sent a couple of men to find more, but I think we've got all of them."

"The jousters are complaining, their armour is all beat up and a few of them had lost a page of three," said Heathcliff, his brown and green tabard spotting a fair splotch of red. "It's almost sunset, I'd advise we return to the fort."

Asuna took a drink, thinking hard. She was tired, bruised, and the stupid greave was really getting on her nerves. She unstrapped it and tossed it into her pennier. "Thoughts, Sinon?"

"We're low on ammo but I think Master Kariwase can craft a few more if he has the time."

"Alright, we need to head back." She gestured to the dead and undead alike. "Sinon, get a few men to burn the bodies. Retrieve our dead, they should be buried with proper honours."

Everyone was already moving. Asuna cracked her neck, the exhaustion ready to set in. Not yet, not till she was back at the fort. A curious looking crystal was produced from Heathcliff's pouch. "What's this?" she asked.

"Think of it like … candy. You'll need it."

"Candy doesn't glow green."

"Well if you don't want it …"

She snatched it and summoned the infobox.

Name:?

Effects:?

Value:?

Description?

[IDENTIFY MAGIC ITEM REQUIRED]

Her eyes widened. "Where did you -"

"I know a guy who knows a guy. Oh, and be sure to crush it in your hand, you're not actually supposed to eat it. Not going to make that mistake again." He bowed then went to tend his horse.

Asuna looked at it suspiciously for a while before finally shrugging, going, "Oh, what the hell?" and crushed it in her palm. It broke like the sound of breaking glass and light flashed in her fist.

Suddenly, it felt like all of her fatigue vanished. It felt as if a splash of water was drenching her, the ache in her leg went away and the saddle burn instantly gone. She felt … amazing. She felt like she could take on the horde by herself, write a hundred page report then go home and go on a ten hour marathon with Kirito.

Hmm, okay, maybe not that last bit. That probably wasn't the crystal's doing.

Hwiatha disturbed her from her impure non-tactical thoughts. "Warchief, one of the men has spotted another group heading towards the fort. Should we race back or intercept?"

She jumped to her feet, literally, and dusted herself off. "Well, come on then. What's another group of easy XP?"

The Orage man raised a brow at that. "What's XP?"

Argo would never admit it but running wasn't her strong suit. She was agile, light on her feet, and could climb like a monkey on crack - the upside of not having many friends - but running? How many five foot sprinters do you see in the Olympics?

But what she would say was that she had a lot of stamina. Her dad had said that all the lack of height was replaced with a boundless energy. Kazuto would joke she had her height replaced with how easily she gained muscle. Ah, such a lover he was. She hoped the tournament was going better than her adventure in the caves.

She had made it back to the fort just as the sun dipped behind the mountains, the stupid wizard staff digging into her back. As she crested the same hill they first scouted the fort, the same one they had a picnic at. Maybe they could have another picnic after this was all done.

Her face fell when she realised that a good chunk of the tournament field was on fire, there was a massive brawl on the field and merchant wagons were clogging up the main road away from the fort. The Watchmen, the Old Family and New Settlers alike were running about trying to put the fire out.

From this distance, she could see Kirito fighting someone and losing. She was too far to see who it was but he fell on the ground, his weapon wrenched from him. There was no one nearby to save him.

Shit, shit. She rummaged through her pockets and produced another vial of Davai and drank another. Energy coursing through her veins as if she just drank three cans of energy drinks, she was off.

Argo ran downhill with an agility that she would not have had despite running for an hour and dungeon diving for most of the night before without any rest. She felt like flying instead of running and each step forward felt like a huge leap that would make an Olympic athlete jealous.

She ran past all the chaos, all the people fleeing the fort, the attendees getting into fights with the Watchmen.

Kirito was on the ground and his attacker was ranting something. His expensive black silk robe was in taters exposing the bruises on his torso, more red than skin. His longsword, which looked very familiar, was three feet away from him. His healthbar was in the yellow, dipping into red.

"This is what you get for not having a full refund policy!" said the attacker and raised his rods for the finishing blow.

Argo found herself behind the stranger before she even realised it. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she pulled off the gnarliest German supplex Aincrad would ever see, immediately knocking out the attacker. She rushed to Kirito's aid and found the merchant battered and brusied. "Kirito!"

"Don't forget the sword!"

She picked it up and found it was still in the scabbard. "Kazuto, what the hell?! You could have ended him! You beat him sheath only or something?!"

At this he smiled, blood spilling from his mouth. "And get sued? No thanks!"

Resisting the urge to smack his pretty face in, she picked up him bridal style and ran up the fort, the guards making way for her.

Sometime later, Kirito was back in his office, with Old Lady Ohkwáho applying poultices and potions, recollecting all her experience of being the tribe's medicine woman alongside her daughter, the current medicine woman. Outside, it seemed like the mob had been pacified with Sergeant Hamid leading arresting squads with the sheriffs and Brickwall holding down the walls.

"He's hurt but he'll be fine," said Ohkwáho, looking more ancient by the second. "Now, excuse me, I'll have to go tend to the people in the infirmary."

Argo bowed in thanks and the old lady was off without a word. During which, the master-at-arms came into the office alongside Steward Tupi.

She handed the letter she had to Tupi, which the steward frowned at after reading. "This is bad."

"Yep." She let out a long sigh after realising the effects of the potion was wearing off. Now every movement she made felt like she was swimming. She turned to the ex-bandit. "Damnit, Robert, what the hell were you thinking letting him fight that weirdo?"

"That weirdo was the champion of the other day's melee, and we assumed Lord Kirito would win. He asked us to escape, and seeing how he had fought, we assumed he'd win."

"Win? He almost died!" Kid Lat was easily ten levels above him, not only an able duelist but also a top of the line Clerarer, Kirito stood no chance with his bad attributes and no levels.

"Ah, but he lived, did he? And the champion has been thrown into a cell too."

"We'll see if you live when I push you out this damn window -"

Argo felt a hand on her shoulder to see a beat up Kirito looking at her. Though she knew that he wasn't actually feeling any pain, seeing him all beat up brought tears to her eyes. "Careful, Rat, he's still on the payroll."

"You're awfully calm for someone who had just gotten beaten up."

"In times like this, the best thing to do is stay calm," said a voice at the door, belonging to one Ser Reginald. Behind him was Commander Emeri, and Brother Rays.

Tupi handed Kirito the letter which he scanned. "Huh, not good. Rays, do you know where Abbess Natalya is?"

"She is guarding the Prisoner, as you've asked them."

Kirito sat in bed more mummy than man at this point. "Retrieve them and tell them to commence Operation Palisade. Let her have ten Watchmen and all our remaining carts. Have at least six men guard the dungeon."

At that, his eyes widened. "I had hoped we would not go this far."

"If what Asuna said was true, we'll need all of it. Get the barrels she brought and bring them to the carts. Can I trust you with this?"

"Of course. I will be away immediately." He bowed his head and immediately left the room.

"Ser Reginald, I'm afraid you'll need to summon your cavalry for this."

"I already had a runner sent to Fort Arrowhead before everything broke down. I'll meet them at the Bronze Axe Inn." The bandage wrapped around his head seemed to bother him at all. "Lord, we will beat back this horde, have faith that Aincradius with us." They clasped arms and got on his way.

"Commander Emiri … mayhaps I need your militia after all."

The grognard nodded. "Aye, don't worry. I'll pull strings and threaten the right people. Will probably take a day at most, assuming everyone is still awake when I arrive."

"You will have three other horses with you, the finest the Rumine have bred. Try not to get them killed, eh? They're expensive."

He laughed. "No promises."

That left Kirito, Argo and Tupi left in the room. "Argo," he finally began.

"Yes?"

"Is the sword secured?"

"Yep." She raised it in her fist and found that it was Lisbeth's missing piece. "You know, you could have asked, 'Hey Argo, where did you and Sinon went? We missed you! We were worried? I would have torn the world asunder to save you,' or something like that?"

He smiled, revealing that he was missing a tooth. "You're a tough girl, I knew you'd be fine. And I did send people looking!"

At that, another familiar face came into the room. "Kirito, I heard you were ba - MY BABY!"

Lisbeth was fast enough that Argo didn't realise she had taken the sword away from her. "Oh baby, baby! I miss you so much!"

"Glad to see you too, pinky," said Argo with a drip of sarcasm.

"Kirito, what the hell happened to you?"

"I'll tell you later. How are the mages?" asked Kirito.

"Professor Ramza and Apprentice Ava say they wish to speak with you at your earlier convenience, something has gone … awry in the dungeon."

"Of fucking course it has," said Kirito with a fair amount of venom. He closed his eyes, took a breath and exhaled, regaining his composure. "Have you seen Kizmel-san?"

"No, afraid not. Where on earth could she be?" asked Tupi.

"She is right here."

The tall elf entered the room, three others in tow. On her shoulder was a cat and a stranger looking away, not meeting her eyes. The other was Yuuki, Asuna's greatest rival or so the girl claimed. It took a moment for them to realise that both of the men had identical features.

"I'm sorry, but I wasn't able to catch the other one," said Kizmel. "But I did catch this one."

"Wait, Guld-san?" said Lisbeth.

"That's not me! That is an imposter!" Guld shouted and snatched the necklace from his neck.

The stranger's face shifted, his nose and mouth moving ever so slightly, his hair rapidly growing. It took a moment before it all shifted revealing the familiar face of a certain smith.

The office became dead silent as Nezha looked at them.

The disgraced smith let out a long sigh. "Uh, I can explain."

At that, Kirito chuckled, covering his mouth with the back of his hand. His body shook, trying and failing to contain it. "Hehehe ..."

"Um, Lord Kirito?" asked a worried Robert.

Abruptly, he started guffawing. His laughter was high pitched, long and loud, tears were streaming down his eyes. It unnerved everyone at how long the merchant was laughing as anyone could do was look. Argo had an idea of what was happening, and no doubt it was the same thought that everyone in the room had: The merchant had finally lost his goddamn mind.

"Hey, hey! Kii-bou! Knock it out! You're scaring me!" pleaded Argo.

At that, his laughter did die down as he started coughing. Tupi handed him a glass of water which he downed, spilling water in the process.

"Of course, it's you." He wiped the spilled water from his mouth. "Of course, it's you, Nezha. I and I alone keep creating my own damn problems!" he yelled, throwing the empty glass against the wall.

See you in (checks calendar) September, y'all. Maybe sooner.