Guilt is like poison

Kanen'tó:kon and his men had been supposed to kill Arnold and take over the fort for the rebellion to free the region from Arnold's influence. But when they had arrived at the fort, everyone inside had been alarmed because Arnold had been dead already and his men had just caught the murderer. Ratonhnhakéton of course, who hadn't managed to escape undetected. They had wanted to shoot him but Kanen'tó:kon had saved his friend in time. He and his men had stormed the fort and fought by Ratonhnhaké:ton's side against the soldiers, although they had no chance to stick to their original plan anymore. So they had fled, to the point where I was sitting behind Ratonhnhaké:ton on Ori:te' and tried to bring all the new information in order and connect them in a logical way. I had not only met Ratonhnhaké:ton's childhood friend but we had also stumbled across the rebellion, although I had believed the search for them was going to take an eternity. Now we were accompanied by seven of their men who were just a small part of a whole army. At least this was what they told us. The main part of the rebellion was spread in New York and Boston and this was where we were heading next. They wanted to bring us to their hideout in the city, where they wanted to talk about their next steps with their leaders. They and especially Kanen'tó:kon seemed to be thrilled to know that Ratonhnhaké:ton wanted to join them. Kanen'tó:kon told me that he had left his village two years ago to support the rebellion. Ratonhnhaké:ton had stayed behind because he had wanted to care for the village's and his mother's safety. We didn't tell him that Ratonhnhaké:ton couldn't remember this decision but we told him about the attack on the village and the death of Ratonhnhaké:ton's mother. Both news threw Kanen'tó:kon into deep consternation and we stayed in silence until we reached the group's camp.

Five small tents and a campfire, three men sitting around it when we arrived. They were briefly informed about what had happened and they greeted Ratonhnhaké:ton and me shortly but politely. Obviously everyone who wanted to join them was welcome. They offered us a seat by the fire and food. They even wanted to give us a tent which we accepted only reluctantly because we didn't want to take a bed from anyone. But they kept telling us it was alright.

"You, my friend, belong to us now", Logan said, a bear of a man with a good temper and a roaring laugh when he gave Ratonhnhaké:ton a strong slap against his should which actually made him slump forward. Luckily I only received a wink as Logan added: "And we won't let a lady sleep in the dirt."

I gave him a thankful smile which seemed to please him as he sat down by the fire with us. Only three of his comrades were sitting here, too, but I didn't know their names. Four men, Ezra and Kanen'tó:kon among them, were with the horses, the rest had already retired for the night.

"Shall I have a look at this?", Logan asked and pointed at the wound on Ratonhnhaké:ton's chest. "I was a redcoat doctor."

Ratonhnhaké:ton's eyes moved from his bowl, to which he had turned silently until now, down to his body but before he could answer, a hand patted Logan's shoulder. It was Kanen'tó:kon who gave Ratonhnhaké:ton a bright smile.

"Logan here is a real healer. You could think he can make wounds disappear." He took a seat, too and I could almost feel Ratonhnhaké:ton tensing up beside me. Frowning I looked at him. He was staring at the bowl in his hands, almost clinging to it. Then he suddenly put it away in a jerk and ran his sleeve over his mouth, still without raising his eyes.

"Then you can give Lillian something to treat it with. She can take care of it in our tent."

Surprised I stared up to him as he stood up and reached out his hand to me. I ignored it at first.

"I think it's better if Logan as a doctor..."

"You will do it."

I winced because of the harsh tone of his voice. Shortly his gaze was piercing before he obviously found his mind again and added much calmer "Please". But still I couldn't do anything else but to stare at him. What the hell was wrong with him?

Logan cleared his throat and stood up. "Sure. I'll go and get my things." And with that, he went to one of the tents. An unpleasant silence spread in which not only I but also Kanen'tó:kon and the other man stared at Ratonhnhaké:ton in confusion while he didn't take his eyes off of me. They were troubled. Obviously he just wanted to get out of this situation and he really was in a hurry after Logan had returned, had given me some utensils and had pointed at the tent they wanted to give us.

Only when he had put our small luggage into a corner of the tent, had enlightened the oil lamp that was standing inside and had sat down on the forest's floor, he seemed to relax. His shoulders slumped forward and I heard him taking a deep breath as he closed his eyes for a moment. I stood motionless in the tent's entry after I had closed it with the tarp. The small metal pot with hot water slowly began to become unpleasantly warm in my hands and so I stepped to Ratonhnhaké:ton to put the pot and things which Logan had given to me down to kneel down beside him. I took one of the clean rags, took the lid off the pot and put the rag into the hot water. In the meantime, Ratonhnhaké:ton had opened his shirt and had pulled it over his head and so he was sitting waiting and with a bare chest in the night's cold, continuously looking at me without having me returning this gaze. I was still struggling with his strange behaviour and short outburst by the fire. I tried to find an explanation for it, but already guessed that this explanation was obvious. I just didn't know how to bring it up.

"How did it happen?", I asked instead as I started to clean the wound on his chest with the soaked rag. It wasn't bleeding anymore and wasn't deep either. He had been lucky because it was the only one.

"I was careless for a moment", Ratonhnhaké:ton murmured and this time I rose my eyes to look at him. He stared at some spot over my shoulder, his lips pressed into a tight line. He hadn't been just careless. I sighed quietly. "What did just happen by the fire?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean." I stopped treating his wound for a moment and this time Ratonhnhaké:ton's gaze met mine. "You wanted to shun him, didn't you?"

He didn't ask who I was talking about. He knew it but I didn't get an answer. Quite a while he simply looked into my eyes, but then he turned his eyes away again and turned them to the ground. This reaction was enough of an answer and I couldn't hold his behaviour against Ratonhnhaké:ton. I could imagine what was going on. First his mother, now Kanen'tó:kon. Two people he had lost under terrible circumstances and who were suddenly standing in front of him again. The circumstances Kanen'tó:kon had died in...

Sighing again, I put the rag aside and grabbed the small jar I had got from Logan and which contained a salve with a heavy scent of herbs. I applied some on the wound. It wasn't bleeding so I didn't need to bandage it and I began packing the pot, the rags and the salve together to give them back to Logan in the morning. But when I just wanted to take the pot to pour the water out in front of the tent, Ratonhnhaké:ton grabbed my wrist and held me back.

"We should treat your wounds, too."

I raised an eyebrow. "They're just scratches. They don't even hurt so badly."

"We should clean them anyway." Ratonhnhaké:ton's unoccupied hand grabbed one of the remaining rags and threw it into the hot water as well. I surrendered and freed my hand from his grip to loosen the belt around my waist and open the laces of my shift until I could pull my arms out of the sleeves, which were as lightly ripped as the shirt. Whatever kind of bush I had fallen into, it had made quite a good job. The scratches on my arms were blazing red and only looking at them made me feel like the ache got even worse. Grumbling I held the shift over my chest with one hand while Ratonhnhaké:ton took the other and pulled my arm into the light to have a better look at it. His look could make you believe I had been scratched by a cougar and not a bush.

"It could be worse", I murmured and winced when Ratonhnhaké:ton ran the heated rag over the first scratch. Each one of them, no matter how small, was thoroughly cleaned and even treated with the salve before Ratonhnhaké:ton turned to my other arm and finally my neck and left cheek. The whole time we didn't speak a word, although my initial question about Kanen'tó:kon was still between us. It wasn't forgotten, I could feel it. I could literally watch Ratonhnhaké:ton pondering about it and I was right.

"I just cannot look into his face", Ratonhnhaké:ton murmured when he dabbed the salve onto a scratch on my neck. "I keep seeing him in my head. How he stared at me when he thought I had betrayed my people. He was so full of hatred and believed to his death that I came into the forest to kill him. When he is now treating me like a friend, I really do feel like a traitor."

He had stopped treating me and I saw the pain in his face before he pressed his fists against his forehead to hide it from me. Once again I felt helpless seeing him like this. I pushed my arms back into the sleeves to use both hands to take his and put them gently away from his face.

"You shouldn't think like this", I whispered. "What happened back then was based on a terrible misunderstanding. It wasn't your fault and it wasn't Kanen'tó:kon's either. He will always be your friend and now you have the chance to remember it and to..."

"I thrust a blade into his throat, Lillian." I winced when he interrupted me. His voice sounded strained as if he had to concentrate on not getting angry and I saw the same in his eyes as he looked at me. "I watched him die and let him believe I had abused his trust. That he is here now does not change anything."

"Maybe it doesn't. But like I said, what happened back then was..."

"You were not there." Ratonhnhaké:ton pulled his hands away and folded them in his lap just to stare down at them. I was sitting there with my mouth slightly opened and not knowing what to do. To see him like this hurt me but that he turned me down was even worse. Of course I did understand him but I just couldn't accept that he was literally lashing himself. Could one person really be so burdened with guilt? I doubted it but probably he was right with what he hadn't spoken out directly.

"What do I know?", I asked quietly and took my shirt to take it on again. "I should stop babbling. I am sorry."

With that I slipped into the coat, pulled the tarp in front of the entrance aside and stepped outside into the cold night. I couldn't stay. I needed fresh air, silence and some time for myself to think. That was why I didn't go directly to the campfire where three men were still sitting, Kanen'tó:kon among them. Instead, I walked away from the tents and followed the noise of a creek, running past the camp. It was as dark as it had been in the forest but I didn't care. I sat down on a fallen tree trunk, propped my arms up on my knees and my head on my hands. Staring into the darkness, I tried to bring my rushing thoughts in order. I had the aching need to comfort Ratonhnhaké:ton somehow. But at the same time it wasn't as easy as I wished. Basically I didn't know how he was really feeling. How could I? I had never been forced to kill someone who was close to me. Maybe I made everything worse with my precocious words. I had believed the time he could spend with Kanen'tó:kon now would help Ratonhnhaké:ton to finish with the past. Obviously I was too credulous.

Sighing I raised my head from my hands and laid them onto the tree beside me. My fingers slid over the rough bark and started to break off small, rotten pieces. I crumbled piece after piece between them without really noticing what I was doing. I was so lost in my dark thoughts that I didn't hear the approaching steps. Only when the silhouette of a hand with an object in it appeared in the corner of my eye, I startled up and looked at the man behind me.

"May I offer you a drink?"

"Ezra!" I cleared my throat and wiped the bark off my hands on my skirt. "No, thanks."

He pulled the flask away and climbed over the tree so that he was standing in front of me. Still only a shadow in the darkness.

"May I sit with you?"

I hesitated. Actually I had wanted to be alone but what achievement brought it to drown in my thoughts? I nodded and added "Of course", whereupon Ezra sat down beside me.

"I wondered why you're sitting here so alone", he started. "Is something wrong?"

I hesitated again but came to the conclusion that I wouldn't be able to pretend that everything was fine.

"Actually yes", I answered. "But it's very complicated."

"I see."

For a while, the stream was the only thing to hear and this silence was unpleasant. I felt like I had to hold a conversation, but my head was empty and I didn't come up with a harmless topic. I didn't need to. Again it was Ezra who began to speak, even though a bit hesitantly.

"I heard what happened by the fire", he said slowly. "Your husband...does he treat you well?"

I just stared at him for a moment. I didn't understand the reason for this question but when I did, I nodded so energetically that he could certainly see it. "Yes! He would never..."

"It's fine." Ezra raised a hand and I could hear in his voice that he regretted to have asked this question. "My apologies. I didn't want to make a false accusation."

I lowered my eyes to my folded hands in my lap, lips pressed together. The question hadn't been unpleasant for him alone. I would have never come to the conclusion that someone could believe Ratonhnhaké:ton wasn't treating me well. Probably I was lucky that he did quite the contrary. He treated me with the same respect he showed any other woman. For him there was no difference between men and women regarding their standing and value and this was one of the many reasons I loved him since I had always known it differently. It shocked me that Ezra had got another impression. I had been surprised by Ratonhnhaké:ton's short outburst and harsh tone, too. I didn't know him like this but at least I knew the reason and got the urge to explain it to Ezra. I didn't want him to think wrong of Ratonhnhaké:ton.

"He isn't well right now", I began slowly and directly saw Ratonhnhaké:ton in front of my inner eye, sitting slumped in our tent. "He suffered a terrible loss some time ago and he feels guilty for it. This guilt is torturing him. I thought I could comfort him but did a terrible job."

"I see."

I nodded unnecessarily, wishing to emphasize my words.

"No matter how often we're suffering a loss ourselves, we will never be able to understand how others with the same fate feel." Ezra leaned a bit forward and picked up a grass stalk to twist it between his fingers. "Everybody feels different and no matter how well you know someone, you will never find the right words to comfort them."

"So you think that I should have shut my mouth?"

"No, I don't. You wanted to help and that's never wrong." He propped up his forearms on his knees and turned his head to me. Although I couldn't see his face, I felt his gaze on me and for some reason, I felt better. He really seemed to be convinced of his words and didn't say them just because he wanted to comfort me.

"You know, guilt is a creeping poison", he continued, still serious. "It slowly spreads through your body, does its damage and eventually brings you to your knees."

I gulped. That was not what I wanted to hear right now while I had left Ratonhnhaké:ton alone with his feeling of guilt.

"Poison is deadly", I whispered.

"Not always. You have to find the antidote."

"Which is?"

"It depends, but you should consider that it will never be a complete remedy. It can only contain the poison's effect."

I nodded slowly, although his words weren't directly comforting. But to compare feelings of guilt with poison seemed to be a fitting image. Today I had seen them corroding Ratonhnhaké:ton. I had also felt guilt that had tortured me, but eventually I had learned to live with it. Although I had certainly not experienced what had happened to Ratonhnhaké:ton but I understood nevertheless what Ezra wanted to say and he was right. It would never fade away entirely. I turned my eyes to the man beside me who had started to play with the stalk again.

"You sound very wise", I said and smirked. "It's like I'm talking to an old philosopher. But you're hardly older than me."

Ezra chuckled. "Well, as a gentleman I have to deny this. But I think somebody like me is always forced to develop such alleged wisdom."

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You will learn it soon enough, believe me." Ezra stood up. "You should go to sleep. Dawn isn't far. Good night, Lillian."

"Good night", I replied quietly and watched him stepping over the trunk before disappearing from my sight.

I looked into the direction of the stream again but Ezra's voice made me turn around. He had stopped. "What you said to him can't be totally wrong. If he's smart, he knows it."

"You don't know what I said."

"Whatever it was, it was what you thought was right. We always speak from our hearts to the people we love. There's nothing wrong about it." With that he turned away and left. I looked after him thoughtfully and only now I noticed something about his movements. His left arm dangled in a strange way while he was obviously limping, but I couldn't see it clearly enough. He had disappeared into the darkness too quickly but each of his words was still here. Everything he had said about himself and about guilt. I didn't know how I could help Ratonhnhaké:ton but Ezra had made me feel better. Maybe it was possible that Ratonhnhaké:ton found the antidote, a way out of his guilt on his own. But if he allowed me to, I wanted to help him with it.

I rose from the trunk, too and slowly returned to our tent. Ratonhnhaké:ton had dimmed the light and when I entered, he was sitting on the furs he had prepared already and raised his head. Wordlessly I closed the tarp, took off the coat, folded it and put it aside.

"I am sorry for talking to you so rudely", Ratonhnhaké:ton started after I had sat down and I saw honest regret in his eyes which made me shake my head.

"It's fine. It was no easy situation for you, I understand. I have to apologize if I said something inappropriate. I didn't intend to."

"I know. Everything is alright."

I was really relieved when he put his arms around me and pulled me closer. He appeared to be more relaxed than he had been when I had left the tent. I hoped that he didn't act like this to reassure me. With the thought of it, I had to remember Ezra's words again. Saying that what I had said to Ratonhnhaké:ton couldn't be wrong and basically I still believed in my own words and although I feared that Ratonhnhaké:ton could get them wrong, I didn't want to keep them to myself. Not after my conversation with Ezra.

"I think we are more tempted to remember the moments we shared with people we love before they left. The last time we saw them", I started quietly and leaned my head against Ratonhnhaké:ton's shoulder. He had folded his hands on my hip and laid his cheek against my forehead while listening to me.

"When I think of my mother, the first image I get of her is her leaving my room in anger. The last thing she said to me was that I was jangling her nerves." I bit my bottom lip when it began to tremble. "I would do everything to see her one more time. No matter how short. I want to replace the negative feeling I have about our last meeting with something positive. No matter if I can forget the actual incident or not, I could at least stick to a positive memory."

Tears ran over my face and I wiped them away while I pulled away from Ratonhnhaké:ton to sit in front of him and to look at him. "I know: What happened between you and Kanen'tó:kon is not comparable at all. But you have a chance. You can spend time with him and remember your friendship. I think it was never over." I ended and took a deep breath, lowering my eyes to my hands. "I just wanted to tell you this."

I received no answer. Ratonhnhaké:ton didn't say anything about what I had just said. He remained silent but at least he didn't seem to be angry. In the contrary. When he noticed my uncertainty, he shortly put a hand on my cheek and finally pulled me into his arms again. Maybe this was enough of an answer.