All too familiar feelings

Shinji paused for a moment in the doorway and did not relax. In one way it helped that Asuka was just as tense. In another that he could feel her pacing miles away was distracting. It was better that it was, lunch had required them to swallow at the same time in order not to choke on food the other was eating.

Of course she'd called him an idiot when he'd explained the idea he'd come up with while sitting watching her sleep. He hadn't told her about that part. Then she'd ruffled his hair and done what he'd asked. Which was strange even for the odd mood Asuka was in. At least the hair thing hadn't hurt.

"Pilot Ikari, why are you here?"

Finally a question he could actually answer. He wasn't going to. He wasn't risking the fragile set of circumstances that enabled him to be there, by explaining it in what was presumably a heavily monitored room, until they were both a long way beyond the other side of the locked and guarded outer doors.

"Are you well enough to travel?"

Rei nods, "If you would assist me out of bed, I will be able to determine whether the sedative has worn off enough for me to walk."

That shouldn't be difficult. He'd done the reverse with Asuka the night before, and while Asuka was heavier than she looked - the muscle added weight but not size as he had noticed from all the swimming she'd made him do - they weren't that different. Also Rei was conscious, which would help.

It wasn't until she had her arms looped around his neck and he had one hand under her bare legs that he realised what he'd missed.

Hospital gowns.

There were possibly worse times for this particular flashback. One point for being relevant to the situation. Minus a hundred for being relevant to the situation. While Asuka was kissing him for example, if she ever did again.

That successfully jolted him back to reality. Unfortunately reality required wrapping his arm through the open back of the gown and around Rei, hopefully without discovering if Asuka would punch him through the synchronisation for accidentally groping her girlfriend, or whether she'd wait until later when it might not hurt her too. The only upside was that there was no room left in his brain for embarrassment.

He set Rei down very carefully. She was clinging to him tightly, obviously due to her concern about not being able to stand, so he made sure to keep supporting her weight. At least the gown came with panties, and Rei was actually wearing them, otherwise he'd be wishing Asuka was beating him up, it would be preferable to what his subconscious would do. That already had more than enough to make him feel ashamed about.

"Ayanami are you alright?" Her feet were on the ground, she seemed stable enough, but she still had her arms around his neck and was holding on as if still afraid of falling. Her bare back was warm against his hands and for a moment he was afraid she had interpreted 'Well enough to travel' to mean 'not quite dead yet' - this was the girl who'd been willing to pilot with broken bones and bleeding from multiple wounds the first time they met and often still didn't seem to consider injuries important.

She didn't answer, but did slowly let go and step away.

Thankfully she seemed steady enough on her feet as she turned and slipped the gown off her shoulders.

He turned away, not watching her dress rapidly winning out over his remaining concern about her falling.

Asuka felt Shinji close the front door and every step he took away from her, going to Rei and leaving her alone. Again.

It didn't matter that she'd ordered him to. It mattered that he'd gone.
It didn't matter that she knew exactly where he was. It mattered that it wasn't with her.
It didn't matter that he'd hugged her before he left. It mattered that he wasn't holding her now.
It didn't matter that... nothing mattered... she was abandoned and alone.
Except she couldn't even be truly alone anymore, just abandoned.

Even her mother would rather she be dead.
Even the Eva that was her life was trying to take the few other things she had away from her.

First Unit 01 had tried to take her Shinji away from her again. Even the feeling of distance as he walked away from her towards Rei was better than that.

Now her own precious Unit 02 had done something to Rei, taking her away and turning her into an even darker version of her own nightmares. A something that had resulted in Rei being pulled away from them and buried in a locked and guarded room. Was that somehow her fault? It was her nightmare that Rei had been pulled into. A nightmare that had terrified Rei even more than herself.

Shinji receded further, getting closer to Rei. How close were they really? He had known where to find her in her secret personal hospital room. What else did they share that they left her out of? Apparently not kissing, Rei had been very insistent about that. And they'd both kissed her. Then left her alone. Neither of them had tried again. Maybe she was the one who didn't know how to kiss and they'd both hated it. And once they kissed each other, they wouldn't even need her for practising.

It didn't matter. She certainly wasn't feeling lonely over a stupid boy. Or missing a girl she'd seen only a few hours ago. She was the Great Asuka Langley-Soryu, she didn't need anyone. No, she was just Asuka Soryu, her father didn't want her any more than anyone else did. Even Misato who was a crappy guardian at best had just vanished, abandoning her like everyone else.

Pacing was not helping. All it seemed to be doing was aiding her digestion. She'd tried a "Hungry Eat" as Shinji slept through the morning, which had been a weird mixture of rice and her favourite sausage along with something else she wasn't sure of but had been tasty and filling. Then she'd still eaten lunch with Shinji after he'd woken up. Where was it all going? She hadn't gained any weight, she'd checked. If anything she'd lost a little. There was no plausible way it was going to Shinji, but it certainly had felt like he'd gained all the weight she should have when she tried to get up. Whatever. If it meant she could enjoy more of his cooking, that was fine. Assuming he actually came back. She didn't want to think about that. She did anyway.

It had barely been a week since the second time Shinji had slept in Rei's bed. Admittedly Rei had been with her for most of it, telling her all sorts of things she didn't know about Shinji. Because why would he tell her anything, she wasn't Rei. Maybe they would go to the apartment she wasn't allowed to see rather than coming home as he'd promised. Rei wanted him in her bed, why would they bother with her?

She felt Rei's arms slip around Shinji. Why did she have to feel that? The synchronisation had faded a little, but not enough. Why did she want it to be her? Did she mean the one putting her arms around Shinji, or the one Rei was putting her arms around? Neither was enough, why did she still need what she couldn't have?

She could feel the way Rei's breasts pressed against him. He wouldn't even look at hers - not that she wanted him to - and hadn't even noticed Hikari's! Was she so inadequate she was going to lose him to a larger pair of boobs?! Was he only her's because he literally couldn't run away? Twelve metres he'd said. Twelve metres and he'd thought it would set them both free. As if that would work, his ghost would probably haunt her, forever apologising and never being able to touch her again. He wouldn't get away with that, she'd be the one haunting him.

A corner of her brain suggested that maybe both of them would be enough, if she was greedy enough, if they really cared about her after all. But life wasn't like that. And what would she even do if she had both of them? Had them for what? She didn't want either of them that way. She couldn't stand the thought of them wanting each other that way. Was she cruel enough to keep them apart just so she could have both of them? 'Yes' responded the nasty voice in her head. Stupid Shinji would probably even agree, he had all the spine of a wet noodle whenever she was around. Other people saw it, why not her? Did he hate her so much?

She couldn't stop her thoughts any more than she could stop her pacing.

Shinji was on his way home when the phone rang. It was the house phone so it wasn't important and wouldn't be for her anyway. She could feel Rei's fingers intertwined with Shinji's. They weren't for her either. They had each other. She'd made sure of that.

She perked up as the answering machine picked up and she recognised the voice. Her Kaji! Well, Misato's not her's, but still, even if he called her kiddo and treated her like a child, she missed his casual affection and attention.

Then she heard the message he was leaving for Misato. A Misato who wasn't here to hear it. A promise Asuka knew he'd never keep.

Apparently she could feel alone after all.