According to this invitation, I'm a whole ten minutes late. I should probably just go home.
I did try to show up at the time on the paper, but when the hour rolled around I could still feel my team's eyes tracking me through the streets. They had spent all day following me, trying to see beneath my mask. It took me five minutes to get away from them, and five more to make my way back here.
They're probably still staring at that decoy I left in front of the memorial. I appreciate them buying me snacks and all way more than when they tried 'accidentally' falling into me and grabbing at my mask, but still. They could use a lesson in boundaries. And stalking me like this…they really need to practice more before going on any stealth missions.
I sighed, refolding the now very worn piece of paper and stuffing it back into my pocket. Its soft edges were beginning to fray, and the corner was stained with something light brown.
Oh well, can't be helped. I would hate to interrupt whatever they're doing. Guess I'll just…
I turned away, already mentally tracing the quickest path to my house. The door creaked partially open behind me, then slammed fully open. Choza filled the doorway, hands on his hips in a firm mountain pose. His wide, toothy grin would not be denied. I raised a meek hand in answer.
How many people I know are here? Shikaku didn't warn me about that. I'm going home.
"Kakashi! Good to see you. Shikaku said you'd be coming this week. Come in, come in!"
"Actually, I was just…"
His face fell slightly, smile faltering.
Don't look so disappointed, not because of me.
I steeled myself, taking a step towards the door.
"...just hoping I'd see you again soon, man. How long has it been?"
"Too long! Let me introduce you to everyone."
He pulled me into the room by my shoulder, his strong arm spanning the whole breadth of my back. People stood around chatting amicably in groups of two or three, calmly sipping on plastic cups of red punch. The punchbowl itself sat on a wobbly looking folding table, along with a stack of cups, a pile of napkins, and a bowl filled with small bags of pretzels. An analog clock on the wall marked the time. It was off, slow by three minutes. A line of dingy windows facing west let in the sunlight. There was only one door, and it was the one that stood behind me now. One of the ceiling lights flickered in the corner, emitting a low electrical hum.
I could replace that bulb for them. I should stop in some time before they need the room again and fix it.
Choza led me around to everyone, boisterous energy carrying him through introduction after introduction until he was satisfied. Most of the faces here were new to me, but a few of them were people I recognized.
Shinobi and civilians mingle here, unburdened by title.
They all looked equally tired, but grateful to be surrounded by friends. They smiled when Choza addressed them. His genuine nature and lighthearted disposition never failed to win him the favor of any group he was a part of. Shikaku, of course, was also here. He raised his cup to me and nodded as Choza dragged me around the room, not bothering to intervene.
"...did you get all that, Kakashi?"
"Every word." I lied, shamelessly.
"Great! Anyway, you don't have to get to know everyone right away, you can stick with me. We're just about to start."
A ring of folding chairs stood in the center of the room, and people were filing into them. Only a few were still open. Two free seats sat together on one side of the ring, which Choza pulled me towards eagerly. He sat down, waving across the circle at Shikaku. Shikaku reached behind him, grabbing two bags of pretzels and tossing them across the room to Choza. He caught them, pulling one open and eating a handful before offering them to me.
"No, thank you."
"Suit yourself~, but you're missing out. We got sea-salt flavor this time. It really adds a certain something."
The only other face I recognized well enough to name was Shibi's. He stood stoically near the cups until nearly everyone else was seated, taking one of the last two free spots. I raised my hand and waved slightly, feeling his gaze settle on me. He tilted his head silently, as if studying me, then raised his own hand in an equally awkward answer. The final seat was taken by a mousy looking woman with sandy brown hair. She clapped her hands together as she sat down, calling for the group's attention.
"Good afternoon, everyone!"
A murmured chorus of "Hey, Ena." and similar answers rose in response. She continued.
"I see some new faces today, welcome! Let me explain how things tend to work here, so you know what to expect. My name is Ena. I tend to lead our meetings here, but I'm not really 'in charge'. I've just been here the longest."
An unknown man grinned, leaning forward to add, "And you pay for the room."
She smiled good naturedly, raising her palms to allow the interruption.
"And I pay for the room."
A laugh rippled across the group.
Everyone here seems so comfortable with each other. How long have these meetings been going on?
"Typically we spend the first few moments catching up like you just saw, then we go into group time. Anyone who wants to share a bit about their week, positive or negative, is welcome to take their turn at this time. We go in a circle, so everyone gets a chance. No one is ever required to share, of course. You can simply say 'pass' and we'll skip you for this week. Then we have a few minutes of free time and part until next week. Any questions?"
A man with dyed green hair raised his hand.
"Yes? I don't believe I've seen you here yet. What is your name?"
At least I'm not the only new person.
"You haven't, this is my first meeting. I'm Ruey."
A few "Welcome, Ruey"s bubbled across the group.
The man smiled uncomfortably, then continued.
"Does what we share have to be about…who we lost?"
"What a great question! No, it doesn't. We're all here because we lost someone, but that doesn't mean we're all ready to share that with the group. Some people have been coming here for weeks, and they haven't spoken about their loved ones at all. And that's okay. You're still welcome here as long as you feel comfortable."
Then what's the point of being here?
Ruey looked as confused as I felt. He spoke up again.
"Sorry, I'm not really sure what the point in coming would be if you don't want to talk about them."
"We're not just here to mourn, we're here to build community. Not everyone is able to talk about these things with strangers, that sort of connection takes time."
"I see."
He did not look any more convinced. Ena allowed it anyway.
"Great! I'll start, and we'll continue to the left."
Ena stood up, reaching behind her chair to grab a mug from out of her bag. She held it in front of her as she spoke, waving it around so that everyone could get a chance to see it.
"Last week I went on a spa trip. I felt like I should treat myself to something nice, since it would have been my sister's birthday. I found this mug in their gift shop. This blue glaze was always her favorite, I just had to get it. Isn't it pretty?"
The fluorescents washed some of the color out, but when she held it in a beam of sunlight its full brilliance was revealed. The glaze deepened, and specks of lighter and darker blues shone through.
The crowd answered with "Lovely!", "Very cute~", or "That really is something she would have liked, glad you noticed it.".
Ena sat down, clasping the empty mug in her hands. The person to her left stood up and introduced himself.
"This week I'd like to share that I heard back about that job opportunity. I have my first interview on Friday. Wish me luck, everyone."
The crowd answered. "Good luck!", "You'll do great!", "I'd totally hire you."
He sat down, glowing and excited. The next person rose and introduced themselves. Names were blurring together in my head, so I tried to attach stories to their faces instead.
Tall. Purple earrings. They are worried that their garden isn't doing well, they believe it's because of gophers.
The next person rose.
Short. Vibrant green eyes. They made their mom's old recipe for their kid's bake sale. Too much salt. They'll try again soon. Choza offered to come over and help.
The next person decided to pass, and so did the next. The man with green hair stood.
Ruey. Scar on his left cheek. His cousin died in a car crash one month ago. He hasn't been in a vehicle since.
He sat down, looking exhausted. He had only shared a few sentences, but the vacant thousand-yard stare he slipped into after that told more about how he was doing than words ever could.
I know that stare.
The person sitting on his right fetched him a cup of punch, which he took but did not drink. Ena watched on with infinite compassion. A realization dawned on me.
Everyone here knows that stare.
I began to feel uncomfortable. Exposed.
"You're welcome here, Ruey. Thank you for sharing."
He just nodded, all energy for speaking depleted. The person to his left stood up.
Medium build. Blonde hair. Shrill voice. She can't believe that it's already been a year since her first meeting, and wants to share how much this group means to her. The group says "thanks".
Next was Shikaku. He stood up, gesturing to me with his cup.
"Good afternoon, everyone. This is the week that I finally managed to bring in that friend I was telling you about."
A knowing laugh rippled over everyone. I felt Shibi's gaze on me again, barely hidden behind his dark glasses.
How much have they been talking about me?
"So I'm feeling pretty proud of myself. Other than that, not much to report."
He sat down, smiling devilishly at me. I rolled my eyes at him, which only made him smile even more. I kept my face locked into a mask of perfect calm, but I could feel my heart rate rising. I focused on my breathing to calm it, missing several people's presentations until I managed to regain control. It was hard to focus my energy internally while surrounded by so many strangers. It was made even more difficult when I realized that Shibi was watching me.
Could he tell how anxious this is making me? No, definitely not from across the room like this.
He seemed to have forgotten he was staring at me, not turning away until the person beside him sat down. He jumped as if surprised when his neighbor settled back into their chair. He rose sharply and immediately, standing at stiff attention. His odd, gravelly voice buzzed out as soon as the person beside him was still.
"Pass."
It was the first word I heard him speak since the start of the meeting, and it would apparently be the last. He sank into his chair as soon as it left his lips. His rigid posture seemed to be the only thing bracing him against falling over entirely. The shrill blond woman who shared earlier spoke up again.
"Shibi, you never share. Not even once since I've started coming, and you've been here even longer than me. Are you sure you don't have anything to say?"
Ena answered for him.
"We do not pressure people here, Rital."
"I'm sorry, I just…"
Rital looked from face to face and, finding no support, sat back in her chair, eyes on the ground, mouth pursed in a pout. "...it makes me uncomfortable." she said, shifting in her chair again.
Shibi did not answer, other than to draw his arms across his chest and cross his legs. He let his unfocused gaze settle on the floor this time, right in the center of the room. The person beside him stood.
Has freckles, and he seems to be left-handed, wants to share that he finally got his bike working again.
A few more people, then we got to Choza.
"Hi everybody!"
Every single voice (except Shibi's) answered in unison. "Hey, Choza."
"This week I want to share that my son beat that level in the game he was playing with his friends. I'm so proud of him."
"Beat that level in a game?" I guess that's one way to get around not being able to share mission details. You can share the important parts, that you're proud of your son and his friends, without sharing the redacted parts, that the "game" involved rounding up and retrieving two missing nin without injury.
The crowd answered enthusiastically. "Good for him!", "It's so important for kids to have hobbies.", "You're such an involved parent."
He held his arms out to absorb the praise before plopping back down into his chair and setting into the second bag of pretzels.
My turn. I'll just give them the bare minimum.
"Hey everyone, my name is Kakashi."
Greetings rang out from all around me. I felt the eager eyes of the group staring me down, waiting for me to share. My stomach felt tight, and my chest felt tighter. The room began to spin.
What can I tell these strangers about my life? What am I even allowed to share? I can't just say that my friends died while "playing a game" like Choza said. And there are so many people I'd have to mention if I didn't leave anyone out…where to start….do I even want to start?
My heart rate shot up. I was being devoured by the starving eyes of the crowd. I stood there silently, swallowing air, unsure if I was being held back more by my unwillingness to talk about my own losses or by my apparent inability to speak, but sure that the outcome would be the same either way: more silence.
I've been standing here too long…what to do…I could always…
I glanced at the window. I felt my weight shift towards it before I stopped myself, pressing my feet firmly into the ground below me.
No, not that. Try again.
I glanced frantically around the room, eyes finally settling on Shibi. His forehead was creased in concern. The rest of him was hidden under his high collar and dark glasses.
Right. I can just…
"Pass."
I collapsed back into the chair behind me. The group continued sharing around me, but my head was swimming too much for me to follow along. I focused on expanding my breathing down into my lungs, stretching quick shallow gasps back into slower, deeper breaths. Voices floated around me as if filtered through deep water until eventually, everyone had taken their turn. They all started standing up and leaving around me. Choza beelined for the table to scoop up the extra pretzel bags, offering them to everyone he met on his way to the door. They all waved the proffered treats away, and he did not offer a second time.
Does the sea-salt really make that much of a difference? I'll have to try some next time I get a chance.
Shikaku was caught in a conversation with the person with the purple earrings. He seemed deeply engaged in figuring out a possible solution to their garden problems. His eyes were sharply narrowed, fixed wholly on the person he was speaking with. He would not be distracted any time soon. I began gathering the energy to leave, willing my legs to stop shaking. A gentle tap against my chair caught my attention as someone passed behind me. I looked up to see Shibi. Our eyes met. His low voice was so quiet I could barely pick it out of the ambient noise of the dissipating crowd around us.
"I'm glad you came."
I nodded, still not fully over my earlier anxiety attack. He nodded back, exiting without another word to anyone. Rital shuddered as he walked by, following him with her eyes. I pushed myself to my feet and left, ready to sink into my bed until mission time tomorrow.