Hello friends~

Today's chapter is officially starting the "Riku's Heart" mini-series!

I bent the KH 3 timeline a bit, so that our boys can spend some time together way before the whole Realm of Darkness + Keyblade Graveyard mess. So far in this project I've been writing mostly established relationship moments (which I do love, mind you), so I wanted to start exploring different angles to their bond.

Also, so far I've been writing mostly about Sora's sunny/bubbly side, but there's so much more to this boy. Sora's got a lot of repressed trauma that he just keeps pushing away because a) he's clearly more emotionally immature than Riku, and b) he's... kind of stuck in a loop of toxic positivity where he seems to believe he always must be happy and thinking happy thoughts only? but also c) hey look, there's a Xehanort or 30 to fight, no time to be sad oops! And in KH 3, especially, we really start seeing this side of Sora that isn't so completely bright anymore – it might even have a little bit of darkness peering through, in the form of self-doubt and insecurity. And, Riku, of all people, knows exactly what this feels like, so of course he's gonna be there for his Secret Crush That Is Not So Secret Because Everyone And Their Mother Can See It Gosh Riku You're Really Not Subtle (everyone except Sora because that boy is endearingly dense).

Now finally onto the chapter!

Specific tags include:
part of the Riku's Heart mini-series; alternative title: local boy realizes he's Not Straight; during KH 3 canon; minor canon divergence; unspecified setting; angst; introspection; hurt/comfort; fluff; pining Riku; oblivious Sora; (apparently) one-sided love; (apparently) unrequited feelings; Sora carries a lot of unprocessed baggage; Sora needs a hug; Riku provides; alternating POV

Hopefully you enjoy! ^-^

Chapter 6: Despondency

If Sora keeps tossing and turning on the bed like this, he's either going to make an egg roll out of himself and the sheets or he's gonna open a hole in the mattress altogether. What else to do, though, when sleep doesn't come? It's not that he's not tired; in fact, he feels physically exhausted. Problem is… his mind, despite also wrecked, can't seem to stop wiggling. Sora closes his eyes and sees the mocking faces of Pete and Maleficent, calling him out on his lack of preparation. He closes his eyes and hears Yen Sid's voice, asserting that Sora's not quite up to par to what's expected of him and even implying to be disappointed on the matter.

It's not like Sora never got scolded before. Back when he went to school like every other normal kid his age, rather than going world-hopping in search of Keyholes to seal, it actually happened relatively often. Because he would forget to do homework, because he was called to the black board and couldn't solve the Math problem, because he would space out or straight-up fall asleep during class. It never truly bothered him, because it never truly mattered – in the sense that Sora felt like those moments, even though they could be taken as failures, they did not define him. He knew he was much more than answering a bunch of questions about History and Geography, knew that his life and everyone and everything in it could not be reduced to a grade slapped on a sheet of paper.

When he failed the Mark of Mastery exam, that didn't bug Sora too much either. Of course, he would rather have passed it, but he was so ecstatic about Riku's success that his own blotching of the situation paled in comparison. As time went on, though… it was impossible to not mull over it, every now and then, and Yen Sid's recent remarks were the straw that broke the poor camel's back. Sora, he… he really disappointed everyone, didn't he? Everyone was relying on him, expecting the power of Waking to be able to help turning the tide of the upcoming confrontation their way… and Sora just flopped. Again. Just like he did during the exam and almost became Xehanort's new vessel. Just like he did when he couldn't stop Axel from kidnapping Kairi. Just like he did at Castle Oblivion and got his memories turned to a tangle. Just like he did, all the way back when, when he did nothing as Riku opened the Door out of Destiny Islands. So much trouble, so much suffering could have been spared if only Sora was more reliable. More competent.

Sighing, and accepting there won't be any sleep to be had any time soon, Sora quietly makes his way out of the room, hoping he won't disturb Donald's and Goofy's rest. He doesn't bother putting on his jacket or shoes, just wanting to sneak outside for a bit in hopes that fresh air will help to clear his mind. Finding a quiet little spot by the grass, he plops down and, for the next minutes, simply gazes up at the starry night sky. Are any of his friends, in those other different worlds, also doing the same? Maybe Pooh Bear, watching the moon as he fills his tummy with honey? Maybe Herc and Meg, while holding hands? Maybe Anna and Elsa, while building a snowman? It should be a thought that comforts Sora, that makes him feel connected to his friends… but, somehow, it only serves to make his heart feel more squished. Like a cookie that was forgotten on the couch and then got sat on.

They're all counting on me. What if I let them down…?

"Can't sleep?"

That is, until Riku's voice unexpectedly weaves through his chain of thought and nearly makes Sora jump out of skin. Gasping, the younger teen sits back up immediately and glances back at his friend. "…Riku! Gee, a little warning next time?"

Riku chuckles, stepping closer and sitting down besides Sora; knees pulled up to his chest and arms resting loosely on his knees. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you." And he almost adds a joke of the kind of our hero shouldn't be caught off guard so easily anyway, but refrains from doing it. At the moment, Sora really doesn't look like he needs to be teased. In fact, it's strange to see Sora like this; so gloomy. Even his spiky hair is a bit flatter than usual. It's… jarring, even. It's like looking up at the sky and see that it's green, plunge your hand in hot water and feel cold instead. "You look like you got a lot on your mind."

"Yeah… maybe."

"Wanna talk about it?"

Does Sora want to talk about it? It's not that he doesn't. If there's anyone in this life he knows he can open up to without being judged, it is Riku. Thing is, Sora doesn't really know what to say; how to grab the pesky thoughts that have been tormenting him and translate them into words that will make sense. Something that won't just make him sound like he's whining for no good reason, when so much more important things are happening. Sighing, he shakes his head apologetically and shifts, spreading his legs comfortably in front of him and leaning back with his palms on the grass.

"It's just–" Sora hesitates, already struggling for words though he's barely started, "I guess– I think…" Wow, why is this so hard! "I… should have done more, I think. I should have done better."

Riku waits patiently, never rushing. Taking every crumb Sora's giving him and treating it as much more; what a fitting metaphor. Maybe the words are scarce and scattered, but he does understand the underlying meaning very well. Oh, if he does. This unshakable feeling of failure? Of not being good enough? This gut-punching fear of disappointing your loved ones, of giving them reasons to leave you? Yeah, Riku's been there and done that. It's precisely this sort of feelings that once turned him into the perfect little snack for Xehanort's Heartless to chew on.

"Done more of what?" Riku offers gently in response, meaning to help Sora continue it on his own. To offer a safe haven for all of that dark burden to unload, rather than to presume he himself has a solution.

"You see… I– I should have taken things more seriously. Everything." The strategy seems to work. Despite still fumbling, Sora has already found the semblance of a structure for his scrambled thoughts to cling to.

"I came all this way… kind of on accident, you know? I came all this way because I had Donald and Goofy. And you and Kairi, and Mickey, and Yen Sid, and Merlin, and Leon and– everyone. I'm only here because of all of you, my power comes from all of you. And that's great! I wouldn't have it any other way. But… maybe I– I took that for granted. I always thought things would be okay in the end because I had you guys. That… even if I screwed up, that's fine because someone else will cover for me. Especially you, Riku… and. And… that's really not fair. That's really selfish of me."

Sora makes a brief pause to sigh again, frowning as he glances down absently at the creases in the fabric of his shorts. "And now… now I'm realizing I'm not prepared at all. So much is depending on me and I'm– I'm… I really am trying my best, but maybe that won't be enough. And that's no one's fault. It's my own fault. Without you guys– without you, Riku… I'm just useless."

Riku feels his own heart cracking with every sentence that Sora is letting out; unwavering in his intention of providing safe space but, at the same time, desperate to erase all this pain that's afflicting Sora. Pain is useful, this is a lesson that Riku has already learned; in certain circumstances, pain protects and therefore it's important to express it. To feel it. Otherwise, it'll be like slapping a band-aid on a festering wound instead of disinfecting it, and helplessly wait for it to heal on its own. No… you gotta let that wound breathe, even if it hurts. It can only heal if it hurts. But, certainly, all of this is much easier said than done. And watching Sora be so upset, it takes every ounce of self-control Riku has to not just pull him into a tight hug and tell him that everything will be okay, that he doesn't need to worry or be sad.

And, again, it's jarring to see Sora doing so much deep thinking. Not that Riku takes Sora for stupid, of course, but thinking just isn't Sora's style – usually, he doesn't think. He feels. And he acts on those feelings. Rational consideration, logical planning, anticipation of consequences, that's not the kind of thing that Sora concerns himself with. It's neither a good nor a bad trait to have, it's simply the way Sora is and Riku is always more than happy to complement him; to match this recklessness with his own overthinking, to pair up almost-foolish bravery with semi-paranoid contempt. And, again… not to call Sora childish, but he can't really be described as mature, either. Sora is a bit of a late bloomer – physically, mentally, emotionally. It's part of his charm, and Riku wouldn't trade it for the world. And yet… right now, the older teen can't help but let his thoughts wander. Let his hope imprudently build up just a tiny smidge. That maybe, just maybe, if Sora starts seeing the world with new eyes then maybe, just maybe, he'll also realize that–

…Damn it, Riku. Stay on your lane. This isn't about you.

"Riku?"

His own name calls him back to the moment, and Riku clears his throat awkwardly. See, it's a great thing if Sora stays naïve and doesn't put two and two together. Then he won't think much on why Riku has suddenly gone quiet like an oaf while daydreaming about things that will never be.

"You know what your problem is, Sora?" Riku asks casually, pretending he's been focusing solely on the matter at hand, "Your friends are your power. That's your problem."

"Huh…?" The younger teen looks back at Riku, sadness momentarily replaced by confusion. "Isn't that a good thing?"

"Tell me," Riku continues, his brief slip-up forgotten and back to helping Sora along towards insight without spoon-feeding it to him. "A sword is a weapon, right? But is it a weapon of destruction or a weapon of protection?"

Sora purses his lips and looks like he's thinking really hard on it, bless him. "It depends. It can be both things… it depends on what you use it for, right?"

"Exactly," Riku smiles. "And that's the same thing for you. If your friends are your power, then that's because they help you along when things are rough. That's what friends are for. It's been working out for you all this time, like you said. But you've been repeating it so much that it's blindsiding you."

"What do you mean…?"

"I mean you've convinced yourself that your power only comes from your friends. And power, in itself, is just the means to an end. Just like a sword is useless without a hand to hold it. You, Sora, are the one who decides what to do with the power that your friends give to you. You can choose to use it in a way that will weaken you, or to use it in a way that will strengthen you. It's your choice."

"My choice," Sora repeats, savoring these two simple words like he's tasting them for the first time. Truth be told, he never did think of matters in this way that Riku is suggesting. And it makes sense, doesn't it? If Sora keeps pushing the power over to his friends only, isn't he also pushing responsibility on them? And… isn't this, exactly, what Sora decided to stop doing? To just get his act together and stop coming up with excuses? "Yeah… you're right, Riku! It is my choice! And I'm gonna choose to use my friends' power to give me strength, and use that strength to protect them!"

There it is, Riku thinks with a renewed smile, sunlight finally shining through the dark clouds. It may be that melancholy doesn't suit Sora, but it is just like him to raise his spirits again at the speed of light. To go back to thinking happy thoughts only. Obviously, he still needs to work a lot of this emotional balancing, but a start is a start. Glad that he could be of help, Riku stands back up and holds a hand out to tug Sora along, which is promptly accepted. And now Riku is about to say good night, more than convinced that nothing else will happen, when Sora proves him completely wrong. Sora actually goes and clings to him, wraps his arms around him, hugs him – so tenderly but also a bit tight, so warm. And Riku's lungs forget how to process the whole oxygen-carbon dioxide cycle for a moment.

"Thanks, Riku! You really helped me a lot!"

"…Um," Is all this same Riku can offer in return, all previous eloquence gone and turned to someone who can only speak potato. They've hugged countless times before, why is he even overreacting…? Scratch that, Riku knows very well why. Because every time is like the first time. Because, every time, his dumb heart can't help but do a little happy flip; so painstakingly aware that, to Sora, it is just a hug of the sort he would offer to any other of his friends, yet still masochistically hoping for a little bit more. Feeding off those crumbs all over again. Releasing the breath that was caught, Riku does what he's always been doing – he takes whatever he can get and makes himself content with it. Hugging back, he rests his cheek on top of Sora's head. And he really wants to say something back, if nothing else to save face, something minimally clever like you're welcome or that's what friends are for, but doesn't. These moments are so rare, so precious, that Riku doesn't wanna risk ruining them with clumsy words.

So they stay like that for a little longer, in each other's arms, just enjoying the feeling. Allowing themselves an existence other than fending off evil guys and having to save the world(s). Riku is soon noticing, in amusement, that he can literally feel Sora's previous tension gradually leaving his body. The way the younger teen eventually sags a bit in his hold; still hugging, but now more like leaning on Riku. And he knows Sora, and knows that Sora's ability to fall asleep anywhere shouldn't ever be underestimated. Even while still standing. So Riku allows himself a final moment of gently nuzzling Sora's head with his cheek, allows himself a final barely-there squeeze to the hug, and then slowly starts pulling away.

And stoically makes himself ignore how Sora's body instinctively follows his own, as if not wanting to let go.

It's just because Sora is tired.

Nothing more.

"C'mon, lazy bum. Let's go back inside. I'm not carrying you off to bed."

Except he would. He so would. Would actually pay good munny for the chance. Sora laughs quietly and gets the memo, letting go. Funny how he'd been so wound up, so restless, yet ten minutes of hanging out with Riku washed that all away. Indeed he finally feels like he can sleep. His whole demeanor shows it now; the slouchy shoulders, the droopy eyes, the long yawn he half-conceals behind the back of a hand. The same hand he uses to then take Riku's, starting back inside and bringing his beloved friend along. What would he do without Riku, really?

"We gotta be quiet to not wake up anyone."

This… might be a bit of a problem, Riku thinks.

Holding that hand back as he follows after Sora.

Wondering if it is possible that the whole building won't wake up at the sound of his delighted heartbeat.

Sora: yay Riku hugs! 3
Riku: .exe stopped working

Thank you so much for reading, see ya in the next chapter!
Theia