Hey friends!

Today we're back to the Riku's Heart mini-series and... oh boy. Lemme tell you, I'm here rubbing my grubby lil hands. I bet even Master Xehanort is watching from the future, casually preparing to set his plan in motion through Ansem Seeker of Darkness, and just eating popcorn and enjoying the drama meanwhile. :')

Specific tags include:
part of the "Riku's Heart" mini-series; alternative title: local boy realizes he's Not Straight; pre KH 1; Kairi has a mini-role; introspection; jealousy; fear of abandonment; repressed negative emotions; ambivalent feelings; Riku's POV; poor Riku has all these pent-up gay feelings that he's not even aware of yet; so he's just here being petty and acting like he's Too Cool For This Beach; but then Sora smiles and his heart goes doki-doki

Hopefully you enjoy! ^-^

Chapter 8: Accismus

"…Kairi! Kairi, give it back! I'm the one who found it!"

"Nu-huh! It's mine now!"

Just like that, Kairi takes off with that uncommon, beautiful blue shell that Sora found along the stretch of wet sand earlier on, and Sora promptly gets up to chase after her. Their joyful laughter echoes in the warm evening air, the whole beach bathed in shades of orange and pink and red, and gradually grows quieter and quieter, till stopping completely after the two disappear towards the other end of the beach.

This is why it sucks, sometimes, to be the older friend.

It sucks to feel like you're getting too old to appreciate the same childish antics your best friends are still so into. These little games of catch me if you can, the running around for no reason, the dumb teasing, the laughter that gets too loud. Do they really have to do this all the time? Does Kairi really have to prod at Sora all the time, and does Sora really have to fall for it every single time as well? Isn't it obvious that she's just trying to get his attention and hog it all for herself?

Riku watches and rolls his eyes, from his sitting place near the edge of the waves; shaking his head as he tosses a pebble at the water.

Sometimes, he really can't help but feel like he doesn't belong, anymore.

And that sucks most of all.

Because, in reality, it's not as much the case of Riku not having fun with Sora and Kairi anymore. Not at all. In fact, he's actually a little jealous that his friends can still act so carefreely, just doing what they wanna do, living life as though it's nobody else's business. And Riku keeps telling himself it's because he's more mature than them, because he's growing up faster, but, deep in his heart, he knows it's not that. That's just an excuse, the easy way out.

What it is… is that it bothers him to see Kairi and Sora getting along so well. It makes him feel like he is the problem. It makes him feel like he's a third wheel, like Kairi and Sora are building a little world of their own where Riku isn't welcome. It makes him upset; angry, on occasion.

It's not supposed to be like this.

And it wasn't like this, before.

The three of them used to be so close, but now it's like there's an invisible wall being built brick by brick, with each passing day. And Riku doesn't know when or why this started, he only knows that he really doesn't like it. Which… is pretty normal, right? It's not just him being a total jerk? No one would like to be discarded by their friends, Riku can't be the only one feeling this way in this kind of situation. Right?

Then, of course, there's the side of him that thinks he's just being overdramatic. That it's all in his head. That Sora and Kairi would never do that, much like Riku himself would never abandon either of them. And yet… why is it that knowing something in your head doesn't translate to believing it in your heart? Much as he tells himself that it will never happen, that he'll never be left behind, Riku feels his heart wiggling at the most casual of things like it's a real tragedy. Like when the three of them are coming up with what to do for the weekend and Sora likes Kairi's idea rather than Riku's. Or when they sit together somewhere and Sora sits near Kairi rather than Riku. Or when they're sharing a slice of cake and Sora offers the first bite to Kairi rather than Riku.

Maybe the issue is that, at the end of the day, all three of them are very different.

It wasn't as noticeable when they were children and all that mattered was to have fun, but it's becoming quite obvious now that they're older. Riku longs for a purpose greater than these islands, he's not satisfied with only coconuts and sand castles and playing tag. Kairi, on the other hand, isn't even curious about her own homeland and origins and doesn't welcome the idea of change. The only point the two of them seem to have in common, these days, is Sora. Sora, who doesn't really lean towards one end or the other and just goes along with the flow. Which is both reassuring and infuriating at the same time. Yeah, maybe this is the issue and maybe this is why it feels like, more than actual friendship like it used to be, the bond between Riku and Kairi has become a sort of unspoken, perhaps not even fully conscious, competition to see who's not left behind by Sora when their futures inevitably go different ways.

And that, in itself, is strange; it's strange that Sora ends up being the protagonist, so to speak, even if unwittingly, because there's nothing really that special about him to start with. Sora is average at pretty much everything, from school grades to sprinting down the beach, from wooden sword fights to climbing trees. Sora and Riku have been best friends since forever and they've been best rivals for just about as long and, in all these years, Sora beating Riku is about as rare as a comet passing overhead. This week's score speaks for itself, with six consecutive victories for Riku – and it's only Tuesday! As it is, Sora is kind of helpless without Riku, it's always been like this; Riku is older, taller, stronger, smarter. Riku is the protector, the leader. Sora needs Riku.

So why is it that, suddenly, the roles feel wrongly reversed?

I don't need him, he needs me.

Why is it that Riku is so bothered by the prospect of Sora leaving him behind?

Why is Riku so bothered every time Sora gives attention (and affection) to Kairi?

It doesn't make any sense, and it's becoming a self-perpetuating cycle: Riku gets annoyed at his two best friends, distances himself from them, gets even more annoyed because now they're having a good time without him, rinse and repeat. If Kairi has caught up on the pattern, she hasn't commented about it yet and she certainly has done nothing to change it. And Sora… Sora is just Sora. Sora doesn't notice things until they're pretty much smacking him on the nose already. He's always been like this, which is precisely why he needs Riku to keep an eye on him. To protect him.

And, again, it's driving Riku nuts that he's feeling all these contradicting things. Because it's not like he's mad at Sora; of course Sora can have other friends, he doesn't need to be glued to Riku's side all twenty-four hours of the day. But, at the same time, yes, Riku is very much mad at Sora because how dare Sora have fun without him. How dare Sora have more fun with someone else than with him. That's just pure betrayal and it's not what best friends do! But, fine… have it your way, Sora. See if Riku cares. Riku doesn't care at all.

So much so that, when that same Sora comes back, panting and wheezing and half-disheveled as though he just ran a marathon around the island, Riku doesn't bother to acknowledge him. Sora flops down on the sand beside him and Riku firmly keeps his gaze on the ocean. At least the ocean is loyal and doesn't play games with you, it's always there when you need it; the ocean doesn't go and replace you with other friends.

"Can't find her anywhere!" Sora says, half-laughing and still half-catching his breath. "Guess I'm gonna have to go look for more shells."

"Oh," Riku comments eventually, in a very pointedly bored tone, "Really?" I don't care about your stupid shells. Go and give them all to Kairi.

Unsurprisingly, the bitterness goes right over Sora's head. This boy is so dense that sometimes Riku worries Sora's just gonna sink to the bottom of the sea when they swim around. And Riku is about to shoo Sora away, to just tell him he wants to be alone, when for once the younger one is faster. Sora sits back up and fumbles inside one of his pockets; finding what he's looking for, he turns to Riku with a bright grin – as he opens the palm of his hand to reveal a shell similar to the one Kairi ran off with. This one is colored in shades of green and, in Riku's opinion, is even prettier.

"There, this one's yours! Almost forgot to give it to you."

Riku suddenly feels like a narwhal jumped out of the water, slapped him on the side of the head with its tail for being a dummy, and then swam away again. And, quite frankly, it would have been well deserved.

"You… got one for me, too?"

"'Course I did! You're my best friend, aren't you?"

…For Leviathan's sake, Sora. Rude. You can't just walk up to a person who's trying so hard to stay mad at you and singlehandedly blow a hole through all their defenses. This idiot, Riku thinks, with a smile already blooming on lips that were pressed into a tight line seconds before, I can't believe him. Holding out his own hand, Riku lets Sora carefully plop the shell on his palm and observes it for a moment longer. It really is pretty. Problem is… what is he supposed to do, now? Keep clinging to his annoyance out of sheer pride, give the shell back and tell Sora to go offer it to Kairi instead? No, that would be really uncalled for… and Riku doesn't even want to give the shell back, he wants to keep it. It's a gift from Sora, Sora picked this one shell especially for Riku.

"Thanks," Riku eventually says, simply, figuring that the best option will be to just act nonchalant towards the whole thing; storing the shell safely in his own pocket. Much as Sora is still smiling at him, though, that adorable dumb smile of his that could light up a dark room, there's some bits of awkward tension left for Riku to shrug off. Because Riku hates being wrong, but, given the situation, he's very glad he was wrong and that his best friend isn't about to go and ditch him. Or, well… of course Sora wouldn't do that. It's obvious. What would Sora ever do without him? Riku knew this all along, he was just in a bit of a bad mood and now it's all better again.

Yup, all's right in the world again!

"Hey, Sora," Riku then says, with a smirk tugging at his lips; not at all interested in the ocean that was supposed to be his new best friend anymore, "How 'bout a rematch?" Waiting for no response, Riku gets up and immediately takes off running. "Last one to the ice cream parlor has to pay the bill!"

It's exactly because of things like this that Sora's allowance never quite lasts to the end of the month.

"…Wha– H-hey! Wait, no fair!" Still processing what he just got himself into, Sora stands as well and, after a minor stumble, starts on that chase that he knows for a fact he'll never win. "Riku, wait! I don't wanna race now, I'm tired!"

"You're just lazy! C'mon, catch me if you can!"

"Oh, shut up! You're gonna get it, I'm right behind ya!"

Sora laughs and so does Riku, as he now glances behind over his shoulder; seeing how, indeed, Sora is right behind. Right there, close to him, like it's always been. And, as long as it's like this, the two of them together like it's always been, then Riku supposes there's nothing to complain about.

Thank you so much for reading, and see you soon!
Theia