Chapter 30

For you

"Zeff is looking for you."

In response, Sanji took a drag on his cigarette in silence. Sitting on the bench that had been installed under the cherry tree, he simply continued his observation of the sea below. The cold wind was still swirling around them but the snow was no longer falling and it hadn't lasted long on the frozen ground. The few rays of sunshine that had managed to pierce the clouds the day before had indeed warmed the atmosphere enough.

Liam sat down next to the blond and stared at the ocean, protecting his hands into his coat pockets. "He's sticking to his position on crayfish," He told him after a while. "He says we shouldn't serve food we're not sure we can have later."

Sanji gritted his teeth around his cigarette butt. "How does he expect to know what's gonna come out of the All Blue each time? Whether it's the opening or not, we'll have to adapt every day."

The scientist didn't answer, this subject totally beyond him, and the silence stretched again. "I think he noticed something," The dark-haired man finally resumed, "He asked Lily to continue ignoring you because you needed to stay focused."

"Fucking moron," The cook grumbled, putting out his burnt cigarette butt in the little ashtray on the ground. He then returned his attention to the peaceful landscape in front of him.

His last conversation with Nami two days before had brought back the thoughts he had been trying to carefully push away in the back of his head since the departure of the Thousand Sunny. Now that they were out in the open, they were all the more difficult to control. Zeff might not know what had really happened, but he could tell from the blond's annoyed gestures and unusual distraction that he was preoccupied. And naturally, Zeff presumed that his protege had once again fallen in love with the last girl he had met. He also assumed that Sanji had been turned down in good and due form. Strangely, his mentor couldn't have been more wrong…

"He doesn't know, does he?" Liam asked him suddenly.

"Of course he doesn't. If you think I'd say something like that to him… I ain't that stupid."

The blond shoved a fresh cigarette into his mouth before lighting it and the scientist frowned at his side. "He doesn't seem like the type of person to judge anyone. He even told me he hired a lot of ex-convicts at his other restaurant in the East Blue."

"I ain't afraid of his judgment," The cook said while blowing his smoke, "Of course he'd be shocked, but I don't really care what he thinks about it. What I don't want is for him to look at me differently because of the choice I made. He already knows I let Luffy and the others go. If he finds out I put an end to the only relationship that ever worked out for me, I don't know how he's gonna react."

"But it's All Blue," His friend reminded him.

"Yeah. Go figure, but I'm not sure that's enough. He was weird when I first told him… I mean, even weirder than usual." The blond took a drag on his cigarette again. "Zeff took me in when I was just a kid and I was at rock bottom at the time. He got me back on my feet but the way he looks at me, it's like he's still unsure I can go the distance…"

"Parents always want the best for their child, he's probably worried."

"Depends on the parents I guess…"

Another short silence fell between the two young men and Sanji let his mind drift to his friends on the Sunny once again. He sincerely hoped he had made the right decision when he chose not to intervene with Zoro. Now that the crew knew of their breakup, it would allow them to better understand Zoro's attitude. But at the same time, Sanji knew his crewmate. The swordsman wouldn't appreciate the compassionate gazes he had probably already experienced since their departure. He knew that Zoro surely had to deal with his own guilt and so he counted on the delicacy of their friends to spare the fencer this additional ordeal.

"Why did you do that, Sanji?"

The blond turned to the scientist, surprised. "Why did I do what?"

"I don't understand either. Why did you put an end to 'the only relationship that ever worked out for you'? You looked so happy."

"I was happy." The cook took another drag on his cigarette, his gaze distant. "Zoro and I are very different but we have always agreed on one thing and it's that nothing and no one would stand in the way of our ambition."

Liam frowned. "Even at that price?"

"Especially at that price."

The scientist looked dubious and Sanji felt a thin smile stretch his lips in spite of himself. It didn't surprise him that the dark-haired man didn't understand. How could he?

"The first day I met Zoro, he practically got sliced in half with one swing of the sword." Liam stared at him with dread and the blond's smile widened, his gaze still focused on the blue sea. "He challenged the best swordsman in the world and he lost. It could have ended there but Mihawk saw the same thing as me that day: a man ready to die for his dream. He decided to give him another chance and spared him. I joined the crew."

Sanji suddenly looked up at the gray sky.

"Do you remember when I told you it was complicated between Zoro and me when the Sunny went around the doors?" He asked him then. Liam nodded and the cook repositioned his cigarette butt between his lips. "Well, you were right. It wasn't complicated, but it took us a long time to realize that the reason why we thought we hated each other was the same that allowed us to see ourselves in a different light."

Sanji took another drag on his cigarette, visibly lost in his memories.

"I saw him fight enemies that looked so much stronger than him and yet he came through. I saw him come between a Warlord and Luffy to protect his captain at the risk of his own life. I saw him become one with his swords to the point of not being able to distinguish the man from the demon he had invoked."

Sanji sighed softly. Zoro may have had trouble focusing today, but the cook had no doubt that the swordsman would manage to pull himself together. Indeed, the fencer had an extraordinary mental strength which made him grow with each of his fights because he devoted himself to it body and soul.

"This unshakeable will he has, that's the reason why I opened my eyes to my own feelings," He whispered. "Our determination is the same and that's why I know that he'll rise again until he achieves his goal. Zoro will become the best swordsman in the world and on that day, no sacrifice will matter anymore, not even this one. To see him achieve his dream will be the most beautiful day of his life but somewhere, it'll also be mine. That's the price I paid for sharing this relationship with him and even if I suffer today, I'll never regret it. We did our best to stay true to what we promised each other."

The blond finally looked down and took a feverish drag on the rest of his cigarette, emotion knotting his stomach. He meant every word he had just said but the pain was still sharp. The power of the relationship he had forged with the swordsman, he would never find it again. Zoro was unique and he had let him go.

Liam remained silent for a few moments, giving the blond time to regain control of himself. In the end, the wind picked up and the last leaf of the cherry tree flew out to sea. The scientist got up and readjusted his coat while the cook didn't seem to want to move.

"I'm sure it won't be in vain, Sanji. Luffy told me he had chosen the best people in the world to join his crew and I believe him."


Zoro let his gaze drift in the dark waters surrounding the Sunny this late afternoon. The crew had finally decided to go back to sea the next morning and everyone had taken the direction of the city to stock up on food and medicine. However, no one was totally reassured about the rest of their journey and Nami had taken the time to carefully study their next destination. It looked like a rocky island with rather dry climatic conditions, but as the crew had understood very early on, the New World was unpredictable and everyone wanted to be prepared as well as possible so that they could adapt to all circumstances.

For his part, the swordsman had offered to stay on the Sunny to watch the ship. He was used to being almost as enthusiastic as Luffy about encountering opponents of unlikely strength at all times. Yet today, Zoro found it hard to get back into the state of excitement that usually took him when he was about to take on an enemy who would push him to surpass himself and get him closer to his dream.

Indeed, since he had discussed things with Chopper in front of the crew two days earlier, Zoro felt strangely empty. It could have been a relief after the hellish whirlwind of his emotions the previous days, but this sudden turnaround left him disconcerted more than reassured. The swordsman no longer understood his own reactions. He switched from anger to weariness in a few minutes and he also couldn't decide whether he preferred to be alone or, on the contrary, drowned in a crowd where he could focus on something other than his own ruminations. These constant changes left him both frustrated and confused. Not to mention that he had become unable to really focus despite the real threat hanging over the entire crew since they had entered the New World.

Zoro didn't know what to hold onto. He came to have irrational behaviors that weren't like him. For example, shortly after their arrival on the island, he had tried to cut short the spinning of his thoughts by drinking heavily in the first tavern he had found since he couldn't sleep. Unfortunately, his too great resistance had prevented him from taking advantage of it. On edge, he would have liked to provoke a fight to pour out his overflowing energy, but everyone he had encountered had cautiously kept away, visibly aware of the pirate's dangerous and unstable aura.

Zoro himself knew that his behavior was calling into question the tranquility of the Sunny moored in the port. And it was his duty to protect the crew, not create more problems. In desperation, he had let his gaze linger on the men and women who were trying to strike up languid conversations with the patrons of the tavern. However, at the first glance cast in his direction, the swordsman had looked away and when a bolder man had dared to approach him, Zoro had put his sword under the man's throat in a few seconds.

The swordsman had left the premises to get lost in the streets of the city. He hadn't had any specific goal and with the progress of the night, he had headed to the sound of conversations and music. After a while he had come to a dark dead-end and, not knowing where to go or what he was looking for, he had simply leaned against the cold stone and closed his eyes in an attempt to collect himself.

When he had opened his eyes again, he had seen a woman coming towards him with a smile. If his first reaction had been to put his hand on the hilt of his swords, Zoro had quickly understood she wasn't dangerous with her wobbly walk on her high heels. The pretty blonde had wrapped herself around him and her generous breasts had bounced against his firm chest. Zoro had watched her absentmindedly but the young lady had been quick to interpret it as a positive sign and she had seized the face of the swordsman to kiss him hard.

Zoro hadn't moved. He had felt nothing. His body had seemed impervious to any contact and even when she had started slipping her hands under his tee-shirt to grab his back, he hadn't flinched. This was strange, he had noticed at that time. Every time Sanji had touched his body, the fencer's skin had tingled and his heart had raced in his chest. But now, while the blonde was rubbing against him and her hands were moving towards the waistband of his pants, Zoro seemed disconnected from his own sensations.

He had grabbed the young woman's hands and she had stared at him, clearly surprised. He had then slightly pushed her away to tell her that he didn't want to prolong their embrace and her already rosy cheeks had flushed even more, with anger this time. Eventually, she had turned away and her heels had clicked against the cobblestones of the alley as she walked away, outraged.

Zoro had stayed leaning against the wall for a long time that evening, pensive about what he had just experienced. Why hadn't he reacted to her advances? Indeed, he could have used this pretext to try to come out of his torpor. Maybe it was because she was a woman? Yet he didn't consider letting himself go with a man either. He remembered that he had done it before knowing the cook but he didn't remember what he had found back then. Everything seemed bland after the intensity he had experienced with his crewmate.

Once again, the swordsman had switched from the overflowing need to channel his energy to an apathetic detachment. Zoro had come back to the Sunny well after breakfast time that morning and he hadn't missed the concerned way his friends had looked at him when he set foot on the ship. It was four days ago.

After this episode, he had felt his nervous tension redouble because of his incomprehension of his own behavior. Quite naturally, it was the little reindeer who had paid the price. Chopper only reminded him of the blond's absence all day long when he tried to replace him in all daily activities and his ice cream had been the final straw. However, his argument with Nami had also given him pause. If he didn't know how to get out of this confusion his breakup with the cook had plunged him, he also knew what wasn't helping him to find new bearings. He had tried to explain it as best he could then, aware that his friends had no idea of the depth of his wound.

Zoro moved slowly against the railing. Since that conversation, there hadn't been any concerned or even annoyed glances in his direction from the crew. However, the fencer had hesitated to rejoice. Indeed, he knew that Nami had spoken to Sanji and he had initially feared the consequences of this discussion. He didn't blame the blond for being honest about their separation though. He understood his decision and the fencer himself wouldn't have known how to say it. But now that the cook no longer had to hide the state of their relationship, maybe Zoro was going to be blamed for making their friend unhappy and for not being able to take responsibility for his actions.

Yet on the contrary, no one had seemed to blame the fencer and a respectful distance had even been established for him. Everyone respected his wishes and no one came to offer him snacks. As if the crew knew their first mate needed to catch his breath on his own.

The swordsman felt his throat tighten at the thought. He knew to whom he owed this relative peace. Even from across the ocean, Sanji had managed to convince their friends to trust Zoro. Could the swordsman ever repay the debt he owed him? Indeed, despite this soothing observation, Zoro couldn't manage to put his mind in order…

"I can't imagine what you are going through and yet, I would like to help you."

Zoro straightened up at the sound of the crew musician's voice. He thought he was alone on the ship but obviously, Brook was already back. The swordsman gritted his teeth. He wasn't sure he wanted to discuss the gaping hole he felt in the place of his heart with anyone.

"I'll survive. I'm not weak."

The skeleton's light footsteps approached until he joined him near the railing. "I don't think it's about being strong, my friend. Grieving is a long and difficult process."

At these words, Zoro turned to him, frowning. "The cook's not dead," He pointed out.

"Fortunately. Nevertheless, it is established that a break up after a strong relationship is comparable to grieving." The swordsman stared at him, visibly confused, and the musician let his gaze wander over the sea. "It is said that it follows the same path: denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, becoming whole again and then acceptance. These stages are necessary and no one can go against them."

Zoro looked back at the dark waters of the Grand Line, puzzled. Mourning his relationship with the cook? He had never thought of it that way…

True, he had felt a first moment of strange calm like he was floating without being able to fully realize what he had started. Did that match the shock of his decision? Had denial accompanied him unconsciously until he realized with the first attacks they had suffered that the cook had indeed stayed on All Blue? But then, why was he swinging so much between all sorts of emotions now?

If Zoro identified quite easily the reasons of his anger because of his inability to get out of the impasse he had created himself, there were also these moments of indifference and those even more numerous of indistinct suffering. The obvious suffering because of the absence of his crewmate but also the more subtle suffering of his own body: he had lost sleep, he was struggling to focus on anything and his need for isolation was even more exacerbated than usual despite his almost irrepressible desire to mingle with others sometimes.

"You sure?" The fencer grunted. "I know what it's like to lose a loved one and I don't feel like it's the same…"

"The process is similar but more or less marked," The skeleton in his elegant suit affirmed, "Relationship grief is sometimes less identifiable because the absence isn't recognized as such at first glance but in the end, it's all about being able to recover and move on."

Zoro pondered his friend's words in spite of himself. After all, Brook's speech made sense. The swordsman already knew that just like Kuina, Sanji had left a mark in his heart and soul that he would never forget.

It was possible to consider that his body and mind were defending themselves as best they could against this new absence. They tried to restore some osmosis but they had been so shaken that calm would necessarily take a little time before returning. But what could Zoro do in the meantime except suffer? The fencer hated this state of helplessness, it made him even more angry for not being able to control himself faster.

"To mourn Laboon was certainly the most difficult event of my life," The musician added peacefully at his side.

The swordsman stared at him again. "Didn't Luffy promise you we'd see Laboon again?"

"Yes, he did. But before meeting him, I had fifty years to learn to give up. I had come back to life but what for? I kept going around in circles, alone and without hope of seeing anyone again. I was about to go crazy."

Zoro gave him a curious look. "How did you get by?"

The skeleton smiled. "I accepted to forgive myself. I recognized my own limits and impossibility to control all the events which could occur on the Grand Line. When promising Laboon to return, perhaps we had been too presumptuous but what I can assure is that we tried everything to keep that promise. So I continued to do my best. And here I am today, with the hope that I can keep my word in the end."

The fencer shook his head and Brook tapped his long bones against the Sunny's railing. "Pain is a natural emotion and it needs to be expressed. Only then comes the time for healing."

"Except we're in the New World and I really don't have time to wait," The swordsman pointed out bitterly.

"I'm only suggesting that you be kinder to yourself, my friend. The guilt you feel probably has some legitimacy, but inflicting this extra anger on yourself seems quite severe in my opinion. You can only move on if you can forgive yourself."

The soft voice of the musician hit the swordsman head-on and Zoro felt a sudden shiver. Did he need to forgive himself so that his promise to Kuina and Sanji will continue and be fulfilled? It didn't seem so crazy. He had willingly deprived himself of his crewmate and although he had made this choice to better achieve his goal, he had lost a part of himself at the same time and the resulting suffering wasn't the least. Zoro was angry with himself for sacrificing this bond and he was even more angry with himself for not being able to fulfill his part of the deal.

But just like when he had refused to accept his feelings for the cook, his being reminded him that every decision he made had consequences and today, he needed to find peace before he could have a chance to become the best swordsman in the world. He needed to forgive himself. To forgive himself for losing his will in the face of the relationship he had built and for his selfishness to focus on his only need.

Zoro turned away from the ocean and walked towards the crow's nest. He still had a lot to analyze and accept but for the first time in days, he felt hope reborn in him at the prospect of this new reflection. So before reaching the mast, the swordsman paused for a few moments to turn to the skeleton who was watching him from the railing.

"Thanks, Brook."

His friend nodded and Zoro turned to grab the rope ladder. If there was one thing for which his will no longer flinched, it was his will to realize his dream.


Musical inspiration: It must have been love – Roxette

Probably one of my favorite chapters. Two scenes and four characters, two visions of the world. I love writing introspections - in case you didn't notice!

See you in ten days for Sanji's restaurant opening!