Newly Revised
Merle watched Ani dress the wound now that Denise had finished stitching Daryl up, the two of them seemingly oblivious to everyone else in the moment. As soon as she was done and Daryl's shirt was back on, Ani stepped back between his legs and wrapped her arms around him, not even saying a word, just taking him in. Even though a slight look of shock passed Daryl's face, the man wrapped his own arms tightly around her as a scowl appeared on his face when Abraham walked by, watching the redhead until he'd left again. Daryl had told them about what happened on the road and how he'd been held captive overnight and had his bike and bow stolen. Ani held him as close to her as she could at hearing about it, not noticing how Merle was watching them critically and noticed that they both were acting different. Daryl was angrier than he'd ever seen him and seemingly more protective of her than ever and Ani was actively being needy, something he'd never seen her be. Sure, they'd had their bouts of clingy-ness, but Daryl was usually the one dragging her around or having her under arm not the other way it was now. He was about to knock their heads together or just tell them what he was thinking, but he had a running bet with Sophia and Denise about why she'd been so odd lately.
They eventually moved outside after Carl woke up, leaving Michonne, Rick, and Sophia sitting with him. From Sophia, Ani had learned that Jessie's entire family had died, Jessie and Sam being the screams Ani's group had used to run to the infirmary. Ron had meant to shoot Carl in revenge, blaming Rick and Ani for his family's demise with the intent to kill Rick, but he had been stopped by Michonne. Michonne had ended up killing him, which caused the gun to discharge anyway, resulting in Carl's loss of an eye. She'd also learned that Deanna had gotten bitten, opting to stay behind when Rick's group left Jessie's house to end it herself rather than change. Going outside and letting the others know that the boy had woken up, they'd spoken to the others only briefly before heading home. Ani took off Daryl's poncho, which she'd been wearing since Merle had covered her with it the night Daryl hadn't come home, the night he'd been stolen by some psychos in the woods, as soon as she got in the house. It was covered in blood and guts from the fight with the walkers as was her face, hair, and arms, a stark contrast from how clean her hands were from washing them to finish treating Daryl. The smell of it all was starting to get to her, too, her stomach starting to twist. She pulled Daryl up into their room and closed the door, taking him with her to get a much needed shower, not wanting to do anything more than get cleaned and get some sleep. When they were finished, Daryl took the lead and brought her to their bed, knowing intuitively that she had gotten little to no sleep, much like himself. Holding each other close, they drifted off without even noticing that Merle had come in to check on them and left Ani's knives and daggers on the dresser for her.
They ended up sleeping through the entire day, deciding to get something to eat downstairs and not leave the house after they woke up. Neither bothered putting a shirt on, Daryl just putting his dickies back on over his boxers as Ani threw on a pair of sweatpants and a comfort bra before they headed to the kitchen. Ani asked Daryl if he could stay with her, meaning in the kitchen, receiving a pleasant surprise when he came up behind her and kissed her shoulder, standing there even as she started making supper. Sophia and Merle walked in while Ani was still standing at the stove, Daryl behind her with his hands on her hips just watching what she was doing. They both looked over to the door when the others had entered, Ani giving the pair a smile while Daryl just looked back at the pan. Merle scoffed as Sophia smiled, one thinking his beliefs about the two getting worse was right while the other was thinking that it was sweet how they wanted to be together. Daryl simply flipped Merle off when he looked at the older man, who was giving him his own hard stare as the younger man pulled his wife closer into him almost as if trying to make a point.
"So, that's how it is now?" Merle asked; it was still frustrating to see them attached at the hip. "Ya spend one night apart, have some bad shit happen, and you're connected at all times? That it now?"
"Shut up, Merle," Daryl told him as Ani sighed.
"No, not this time. You do this every time you're away from each other," Merle told him. "You fuckin' coddle her and you encourage him to keep doin' it!"
"Merle," she started, turning toward him while still staying connected to Daryl, the look in her eyes dark while her face was blank. "Ya bitch at us for this, ya say anythin' at all 'bout how we're bein', ya won' be welcome in this house nah more. I ain' doin' this with ya this time. I jus' ain'. Daryl could a died in those woods. I could a died here. Ya not goin' ta give us shite for takin' me takin' what I need ta get get my mind back on and D makin' sure I'm fine. Ya jus' ain'. What would ya and Francine do in that situation?"
"We already done it," he answered with a smirk before his face turned sour again. "But the two a ya? You gotta learn how to deal with this type of shit without needing to be right on top of each other."
"And we will!" Ani said, slamming the pan back on the stove after dishing out the fried eggs she'd been making. "Now is not the damn time for this, Merle!"
"Then when is?!" he yelled back.
"In a couple fuckin' days, ya damn asshole!" she shouted back, finally stepping away from Daryl as she went on her tirade. "When I've got my head calmed down 'nough not ta fuckin' need this! When I'm good again! When Daryl feels like I'm good 'nough for 'im ta let go! Not when you fuckin' feel like it 'cause ya don' get it! Not when you think we've had 'nough time! I ain' like ya, Merle! I can bounce back from a lot! I can take a lot on and it won' fuckin' botha me at all! But what happened in the attack? What happened yestaday? What we went through last night? Losin' Deanna and Reg, one right afta the otha? The wall bein' breached? Daryl bein' taken and Abe and Sash bein' fired at? I need time for this, Merle, jus' like I needed time afta Atlanta. Only difference is I'm actually leanin' against my man for once 'stead a hidin' it or tryin' ta deal with it on my own 'til it explodes and D's left cleanin' up the mess a my choices! So back the fuck off!"
"I thinks it's sweet, Pops," Sophia said, bringing the plates to the table for Ani as she walked back over to Daryl, resting her forehead against his chest as his hand came up to her neck. "Why is it so bad for them to be with each other like that?"
Merle sighed, "Phia, have you noticed how the other couples act? How they're not on top of each other day in and day out?" When the girl nodded, he told her, "That's why. 'Cause how they act, how they are when they're bein' like this, it ain't normal."
"I'm a fuckin' versie, Merle," came Ani's response from the kitchen. "I ain' normal. A course we ain' goin' ta be a normal fuckin' couple!"
"You can't keep usin' that as an excuse!" Merle countered angrily, making the woman smack the back of his head hard enough to pitch him forward as she walked by.
"Ya soundin' awfully close ta people ya don' want ta be soundin' like, Merle," Ani stated in a threatening voice as she set a glass of water down between hers and Daryl's plates while he sat down and Sophia brought some over for Merle and herself. "I can' help my brain. I can' help what I need or what I feel or how I react. But I was told recently that I need ta stop hidin' myself so much, and ya the one who told me ta tell 'im what I was feelin'. I'm a person, not a robot, and I don' got ta sit 'ere and take ya shite jus' 'cause I'm admittin' ta myself and ta Daryl that I need help with this. And ya know what? That's jus' what I'm goin' ta fuckin' do! Ya don' like it, there's the fuckin' door! Ya want ta stay? Shut up and let us be us."
"Ani," Merle sighed.
"Nah, Merle! Why ya bein' like this now? What's gotten inta ya? When we were fightin', ya were all ova me 'bout makin' up with 'im and now we've gone through all this shite we have, ya givin' me a hard time 'bout bein' with 'im? Why?"
"'Cause I don't wanna lose my siblin's, that's why!" Merle shouted at her. "The way you two are goin', the rate you two move with, one of you dies, the other's gonna end up goin' out with 'em."
"What's so wrong with that?" Daryl asked, agreeing with Ani that Merle was being a little weird. "I mean, you got Francine and Phia now. Not like you'd be alone if it did happen. 'Sides, I ain't plannin' on dyin' any time soon. You, baby girl?" he asked Ani, his hand squeezing her thigh seeing as she was sitting right beside him.
"Hell nah! Ain' got nah plans a dyin' 'til I'm pissin' and shittin' myself and not knowin' I'm doin' it! I still got kids ta take care a and people ta train," she told him, leaning her head against his shoulder for a moment before she sat straight and looked at Merle. "I know ya scared, Merle. I know ya don' want ta lose eitha a us, and we'll do our damnedest ta keep it from happenin'. But don' fuckin' start wiggin' out on us 'cause ya scared. Tell it straight and don' try ta control the shite ya can'. 'Cause I was two seconds away from kickin' ya ass black and blue again."
"Again?" Sophia asked.
"Rememba the first run when 'e came back all bruised?"
"Yeah."
"That's what I mean, again. Only I won' stop 'til ya within an inch a death if I have ta beat ya down again," she warned the old redneck. "I might love ya, but I won' be dealin' with ya questionin' our relationship and how we go about it. And I sure as hell ain' goin' ta fuckin' put up with the 'it's an excuse' rhetoric ya jus' tried pushin', got it? Neva once have I eva used bein' a versie as an excuse for somethin'; sure, it's the reason a lot a the times, but I ain' eva used it as an excuse. I ain' Eugene."
"I know," Merle said, hanging his head as they all started eating the eggs, squirrel, tomatoes, and bread. "I know. Look, you're right. It was a dick thing to say. The two of ya are gonna get yourselves killed being attached like that. Francine might've said somethin' that made sense to me at the time, still does, but when ya fuckin' argue like that, how the hell am I supposed to argue back?"
"Ya ain'. Don' get involved in a fight with the president a both the high school and college debate teams," Ani laughed, Daryl chuckling beside her as he'd also learned that lesson in a similar fashion.
"No fuckin' wonder!" Merle spat out before raising his fork and pointing it at Daryl. "And you've known this whole time and gave me no warnin'!"
"To be fair, you weren't around when I found out," Daryl chuckled. "Don't even remember what the argument was about, just know she handed my ass to me."
"'Twas afta I exhausted myself helpin' Cars and everythin'. Ya became a hard ass tryin' ta control me like ya were my father and I wasn' goin' ta let ya," Ani reminded him.
"Right," Daryl said with a smile. "Told me you'd start callin' me 'dad' if I kept actin' like one."
"But she calls you daddy?" Sophia told him, Ani choking on her bite of squirrel while Merle howled in laughter.
"Gotta make them damn walls soundproof," Daryl growled.
"Huh?" Sophia asked.
"Don't you repeat anythin' you hear comin' from our room, little girl," Daryl told her, pointing his finger at her. "Shouldn't be hearin' it to begin with."
"It's ya fault!"
"I know," Daryl told her with a shit eating grin. "Don't mean Phia should hear, though."
"Then don' be so demandin'!"
"Don't be so temptin'."
"Just shut up and eat!" Merle said, though the men shared a chuckle while Ani blushed and looked at her plate and Sophia looked on confused.
"I don't get it."
"Ya don' need ta yet, okay? It's...it's jus' somethin' between Daryl and I, got it? Jus' plug ya ears or put music on if ya hear that shite comin' from our room," Ani told her.
Sophia looked at her for all of a moment before a horrified expression crossed her face, "Eww! You guys are so gross!" she cried as she grabbed her plate and left the table, the three adults laughing at her reaction.
They finished their dinner in relative peace, Ani learning that Francine had said something about the two of them being too close. Ani admitted that she understood his concern and understood where Francine was coming from, but some things she just couldn't handle. It wasn't just the thought of losing Daryl; it was the thought of dying, of losing the kids, losing Merle, losing their home. It was everything that could have gone wrong once things started going wrong running through her head over and over again while she tried to make a plan. She saw them all dying so many times in her mind that she'd lost count and she had only been able to truly focus after the walkers broke through. Leaving the table after she and Merle had talked and she finished dinner, she went into the living room and grabbed her grinder and bowl. Daryl was already sitting in one of the chairs on the porch with his arms folded and his foot propped on his knee while smoking a cigarette. Ani just went over and moved his arms and leg before sitting on his lap sideways and bringing her legs up and putting her feet under the armrest. She leaned her whole body into his chest, Daryl himself sitting back into the chair with her, one arm holding her to him while she packed her bowl. Merle came out shortly after she lit it, taking the bowl from her and taking a hit of his own. They passed it back and forth until it was gone, Sophia leaving to go spend time with Carl at the infirmary. In the end, she fell asleep again on Daryl, making him have to carry her back into the house, a soft smile on his face as he took her upstairs.
~x~
It had taken a week to move the debris from the tower and repair the wall, another to clear out all the walker bodies. Ani had been more than willing to help with the tower, but when she puked at the first walker she tried helping Daryl move, he'd sent her to the infirmary. She ended up staying there with Denise making more tonics while everyone else helped deal with the walkers. Ani felt ridiculous after the whole thing was over because she'd been dealing with dead bodies forever; it was just that the smell was absolutely overwhelming to her senses. Being in the moment was what had kept her from being sickened the night the walkers breached the wall, but now that she didn't have to focus so much, it was like her senses had gone into overdrive. Even inside, she could smell the rotting flesh outside the windows and doors of their house if she didn't burn sage and lavender. Denise had given her a clean bill of health, telling her that, unless she was pregnant, the only thing she could think of was that her brain itself had been bruised by that hit and was still recovering or that some of the pathways had changed. She couldn't tell without a CT scan, though, so there wasn't much that she could do to make sure there was no internal damage. However, that didn't stop the woman from pestering Ani about taking a pregnancy test, trying to rule out all possibilities.
"Don'," Ani said as she walked into the infirmary, a new batch of herbs in her hand, knowing Denise was going to start being a brat about taking a test again.
"Come on, Ani," Denise told her. "Just, humor me."
"Nah, I ain' goin' ta 'cause I ain' goin' ta see the negative and be heart broken. I ain' puttin' myself through that when I keep dealin' with high stress situations one right afta the otha. I ain' goin' ta bring myself down by knowin' I ain'."
"What if it's positive?" came her reply.
"Denny," Ani moaned out. "Please, not taday."
"Ani," Denise said, coming up to her and putting a hand on her shoulder. "You deserve to know what is happening with you, and if it's not your mind, it might just be pregnancy. We have to rule out every possibility."
"I don' want ta know that I'm not. I'd ratha go inta labor spontaneously than take a test and see a negative."
"And that's what's going to happen. Or you're just going to start showing and that'll be that!"
"Then let that happen!" Ani shouted, shocking Denise when she noticed the woman was crying. "I don' want ta know for sure 'til I got ta know. I don'...I don' want ta see it negative. Please, Denny, jus' let it go. Ya know it's a sore spot."
Denise sighed and let it go for the day since she could see how much the subject was bothering Ani, but she just knew she was right. Between the puking, craving for squirrel, and emotional state she had been in lately, Denise just knew Ani wasn't having problems because of her mind. Hell, Ani had all the same symptoms Maggie had when she'd come in for the test, although it was a little more intense with Ani. If Ani would just stop being so damn stubborn and take the test, she'd find out what was wrong with her just fine instead of having to wonder. It was almost like she didn't think there was even a chance that she was with how adamantly she fought against it. There was nothing short of tricking the woman into taking a test that she could do, though, and there was no way Denise would be able to trick Ani. She sighed again as she watched the woman leave the building without processing the herbs while Tara came down.
"Still won't take it?"
"Not at all. Doesn't even want to think that it's a possibility," Denise told her. "I don't get it. Shouldn't she want to know?"
"Ani is an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a taco," Tara said with a shrug of her shoulder, putting her arm around Denise's shoulders as the woman put the test away. "She'll take it eventually. Or, you know, she won't and she'll start growing and be forced to take it."
"Yeah, I guess," Denise said though she felt defeated.
"Hey, you're doing your best to convince her. If she doesn't want to know, she doesn't want to know. There's nothing you can do about it."
"I know, but I'm supposed to be the doctor. How can I be if my patients won't listen to me?"
"One patient, and Ani's always been difficult. She knows what she knows," Tara said with a shrug before kissing Denise on the cheek. "Hopefully, some day soon, she'll know what you know too."
"Hopefully," Denise dejectedly said.
Ani kept walking until she got home, noticing Daryl and Merle on the front porch smoking and going to fold herself onto Daryl's lap. Merle gave her a look that clearly told her he wasn't happy with her action, but she just made it a point to snuggle even further into Daryl as his arm came up around her. They'd been trying, they really had, to be less needy and clingy towards each other, but it wasn't going as quickly as Merle wanted it to. To him, three weeks was more than enough time to get over the night of the dead. Ani knew it grated on him how everyone else was able to go out and do their own things while she and Daryl were so severely co-dependent. To be honest, it bugged both her and Daryl, too, how others looked at their relationship like they were so weird and even they knew it wasn't exactly normal. Ani knew better than anyone how quickly a relationship like theirs could turn bad, but who was anyone else to question what they had and how they acted. And as long as they kept working together and put the needs of others before theirs when they needed to, it wouldn't turn bad. Their relationship was between them and as long as Daryl was willing to put up with having her on his lap, Ani was going to be on it.
"You okay, baby girl?" Daryl asked, noticing the tear streaks on her cheeks.
"Yeah, Denny was jus' at it again."
"What's she goin' on about that made ya cry?" Merle asked, wondering if Denise had finally gotten to her.
"Wants me ta take a damn test ta see if I'm pregnant and if that's the reason for me tummy bein' all wonky from smells and sights," she told him, making the man internally roll his eyes and sigh in defeat himself. "It ain'. Been dealin' with smells since back at the prison, when my nose finally unplugged from bein' sick. Sights, I mean, the walkas have gotten a lot nastia lately."
"Maybe you should take a test," Daryl told her. "Just to get it out of the way."
"I don' wat ta."
"Why not?" Daryl asked, looking at her in confusion and hurt; he couldn't understand why she wouldn't want to know if she was pregnant.
"Do ya really want ta deal with it bein' negative right now?" she asked him which honestly explained everything to him as shook his head no.
"What if it's positive?" Merle asked.
"Look, can we jus', I don' know, not? I'm not ready ta know and until I got more'n circumstantial evidence sayin' I might be, I ain' takin' a damn test. But 'til then, I jus' don' want ta know one way or the otha."
"I'm goin' out with Rick tomorrow," Daryl told her, changing the subject as he knew just as much as she did that neither of them were prepared for a becoming hopeful it would be positive only for it not to be. "Wanna come?"
"We need her here," Merle told him.
"Nah ya don'," Ani said incredulously. "And hell yes I'm comin' with ya, D."
"The two of you have been up each other's asses the last three weeks! You're stayin' here, Ani," Merle tried, sounding extremely serious and father-like, but that only made Ani burst out laughing, Daryl chuckling along with her.
"You really think you can stop her?" Daryl asked him. "How many times you gotta end up on your ass to learn she's the boss, not us."
"Hey, she might wear the pants in your relationship, but she ain't my boss."
"Yeah I am," Ani chuckled.
"The hell you are."
"Who gives ya ordas?"
"You do."
"Who do ya listen ta?"
"You," Merle said, realization that he had, in fact, been accepting everything about the girl as a boss.
"Who tells ya what ta do and where ta go?"
"Yeah, yeah, I get it! You're the damn boss. Geez, crazy, little, psycho bitch gets ta be the boss. What's the world comin' to?" Merle answered with a sigh before the three of them chuckled at his joke.
"Ya know, I didn' want ta be the boss. I wanted Deanna ta be. That she's gone, Reg. It's goin' ta make things difficult 'round 'ere. The othas, Alexandrians, they're lookin' ta Rick, and he's lookin' ta me. It sucks. I don' want ta be a leada nah more."
"Thought you liked bein' in control?" Merle asked.
"I do, but that don' mean I want ta be the one everyone comes ta for decisions. Whole point a makin' the council back at the prison was so I didn' have the responsibility a answarin' everyone's questions or plannin' the small shite," Ani reasoned. "Wish Rick would jus' take ova by 'imself and let me keep ta bein' an advisa. I don' want the responsibility a leadin' this place on my shouldas. Did that once and it all fell apart. I'm not wantin' ta do it again."
"You talkin' 'bout the prison?" Daryl asked her, which she nodded her head.
"It's selfish, but I don' want ta be buildin' a place up only ta watch it burn ta the ground again. I know it ain' my fault, but I been thinkin' eva since we lost it what I could a done different or betta. I know it ain' my fault, I know it. But it don' keep me from blamin' myself for not doin' more."
"Shit, Ani, you gotta learn to let that shit go," Merle told her. "Ain't nothin' could a been done different than what it was. We got dealt a shit hand at the end, there, and had ta play it out. That's all there is to it."
"I know, but, like I've told ya a thousand times, I can' help how my brain works. Hell, ten years down the road, I'll still wonda what I could a done different," Ani said before scoffing and looking at him. "Ya know, I still think 'bout how I could a done things different back in Atlanta, at the quarry, so that ya wouldn' a lost ya hand. I still blame myself for that, too." All three of them fell into silence for a moment before Ani spoke up again, "Ain' nothin' ta be done 'bout how I think, boys. I'm always goin' ta think 'bout things I could a done different. Think 'bout things I could a done as a kid, how I could a not killed all the people I've killed. I'm up ova a hundred now."
Daryl held her closer to him at that, kissing her forehead as she sighed and wrapped her arms around him. He knew she hated how much blood she had on her hands and how she thought of herself as a monster because of how many she'd killed. And he hated that she felt that way since there was nothing to be done about what she'd had to do. She would always do what she had to in the moment and she wouldn't stop to think about whether or not it added to her count. He still didn't know why she kept count when it wasn't worth it to her; if anything, she was just putting herself under more stress than she needed to be. She hadn't done anything wrong and there was no changing the past and he wished more than anything she could just forget it. Hell, Ani still woke up every once in a while from dreams about that Jesse girl she'd been friends with, seeing her as a walker or worse. She wouldn't tell him what the 'or worse' was, but considering what the Claimers had done, Daryl could take a good guess.
"Should forget about that stuff and move on," Merle told her.
"Ya sound like Daryl," she said quietly, breathing Daryl's scent in as she nuzzled her nose against his neck.
"Don't be fallin' asleep now," the man told her, feeling her relax in his arms.
"Sleepy," she mumbled. "And ya comfy."
"Yeah, but if you go to sleep now, you'll miss dinner."
Ani moaned as she sat up away from Daryl's chest and rubbed her eyes since she was hungry and wasn't willing to miss another meal. She'd been having problems with nightmares the last few weeks and while Daryl had been waking up with her, it was easier for him to get back to sleep. Ani had a lot of problems getting back to sleep because the nightmare would start playing again as soon as she closed her eyes. It sucked and left her wanting to sleep all the time, now, having taken to falling asleep on Daryl damn near every time she sat on his lap. Daryl didn't mind, but once she was out, she was out, and he didn't have the heart to wake her up and Merle refused to because of how many times she'd aimed for his nuts when he tried. But the last time she'd missed a meal because she was sleeping, both Daryl and Merle had suffered from glares and snide remarks until Daryl had brought her some squirrel jerky to nibble on, even though she'd claimed she wasn't hungry. Sophia and Carl had joked and come up with 'hangry', laughing at the fact that Ani got angry when she was hungry and earning them the bird from said woman. She managed to stay awake just long enough to have some of the casserole Carol made for dinner before both she and Daryl fell asleep on Rick's couch.
