Warnings for continual talk of sexual assault and abduction, child abuse and marital abuse and talk of someone's family being gunned down and talk of drug use and withdrawal symptoms and trauma.
The foreboding words on your arm
Chapter 12
Withdrawal
Clarke's soulmates had almost felt it begin to happen.
In the morning on the day of the withdrawal symptoms, they had watched Clarke get up, go to the bathroom, where even if they didn't have cameras in the bathroom, knew that she took her shower, dressed, brushed and flossed her teeth, then had come out into the main room and had eaten some food and start to watch a few episodes of Elementary.
After that, she had been about to read something, when the shaking had started.
Then the sweating from seemingly nowhere began.
Then she started wincing quietly mumbling about a headache.
Then she vomited.
Of course, many of Clarke's mates filed in.
They helped seat Clarke onto her bed, cleaned up the vomit and brought along a few bags for her to barf into if she needed to.
They brought in some Tylenol, and made sure she had lots of cups of water handy.
The doors to the outside of the prison, were closed and locked, and those of Clarke's mates that were in the prison with her; Frank, Jessica, Tony, Laura, Pepper, Bruce and Melina, were making sure that she was looked after.
Yes, only two of these individuals; Melina and Bruce, were doctors, but still, the rest of them chose to be there, in case Melina and Bruce needed extra help.
They wiped up small pieces of vomit from Clarke's face, and tossed the stained tissues into the trash that they were going to throw out.
They would have suggested that Clarke brushed her teeth, but that might do nothing, as there was potential for Clarke to regurgitate again.
Clarke shivered as the symptoms ran through her, and she mumbled quietly, glaring at them, "This must be how you want me. At your mercy with nowhere to run."
Laura and Pepper both sighed.
They knew that Clarke had her reasons for saying that. Not to mention withdrawal likely made her more irritable.
"Not like this," Bruce said quietly, "We don't want you to be in any pain at all. But this needs to happen for you not to crave drugs anymore. I'm sorry, honey."
"Bruce," Pepper said, shaking her head at him. She had told the others already that Clarke didn't like all the pet names.
Well, they knew that Clarke not liking them, technically, speaking wasn't true. But it was more or less that Clarke didn't feel like it was right that they addressed her in that way, since they were holding her captive and had routinely sexually assaulted her.
At least, that was what they had come to suspect.
It was perfectly understandable.
Clarke said, all but spitting the words out, "Yeah, I bet this needs to happen. Just like you need to rape me every second you feel like it?"
All five Pepper, Bruce, Jessica, Tony and Frank winced and Melina and Laura looked away.
They deserved to be spoken to in that way. More than deserved it.
Yes, everything they had done had been for Clarke's pleasure, as well as for her happiness and safety.
But there was no reason that was absolutely necessary for them to have forced themselves on Clarke sexually, other than they wished to provide Clarke with endless pleasure. But it didn't change that they hadn't given Clarke any choice.
"You're right," Frank said quietly, "We didn't need to do any of that. And it's wrong what we've done."
"But you're going to continue to do it anyway," Clarke stated. It wasn't a question.
All four Laura, Jessica, Frank and Pepper sighed. She was right again.
"Yes," Laura said, nodding, "We are going to continue doing it."
Laura and the others would all be lying if they said that they did it entirely out of the desire only to please Clarke. They were greedy for her, in every way. So, yes, this was a great deal, because they just wanted her, needed to make love to her, even if it was against her will. But a good deal of it too, was because they knew she had been neglecting what she needed sexually.
"Fucking fantastic," Clarke said dryly, leaning back against the wall behind the bed, closing her eyes, feeling exhausted.
"You should probably have something to eat," Pepper said softly, hoping Clarke would be open to that. Clarke had had breakfast. But barely.
She'd had some ham and some cheese, but that was about it.
Clarke just shrugged in response.
Pepper turned to Frank and Melina. They both nodded and went to the fridge to get a few things.
There was no stove here, electric or gas.
Gas stoves were dangerous, so, they most certainly would never risk that in the prison with Clarke.
The electric stove was less risky to harm Clarke in any way. But still, there was the matter of her being burnt.
So, for now, no stove.
It was the same reason why they only had containers and bags for food, and not tin foil. Not that they believed that Clarke would ever put tin foil into the microwave-which of course, would be a seriously dangerous thing to do, but they needed to take precautions.
Frank and Melina pulled out a few food items.
Melina had needed to learn how to cook under various circumstances.
Frank, most likely to many peoples' surprise, knew how to cook too. He most likely came off as a "macho man," and so it probably was a surprise to many when they found out that he wasn't just skilled in cooking, but actually enjoyed it. He also likely would have offered to kick the ass of anyone who thought it was unmanly to cook and anyone who claimed that it was a woman's duty to cook.
Frank, like Melina, saw cooking as an essential skill for all people to know, regardless of gender, and putting the cooking duties on one gender, was ridiculous.
One…..what might be called an "intelligence challenged" man that that Melina worked with named Alexei, had joked about women not knowing to cook in this day and age and Melina had smiled nastily at him and mocked him, "I see, so, you would prefer to be a helpless manbaby that doesn't know how to cook and provide for yourself. Next time you need food cooked, you will be left on your own. And because of how uneducated you are about cooking, you will go hungry. I hope you have fun with that."
And Melina had not been bluffing.
She hadn't cooked for him and informed everyone else she had worked with not to cook for him or feed him at all.
Which left Alexei to fend for himself.
As a result, Alexei had almost starved to death, until he had learned to cook for himself.
He had mumbled, as he had hungrily gnawed at the cooked chicken he made, "Melina's a terribly scary woman."
Melina had worked with Alexei for a long time, and in all her time working with him, had never seen evidence of him being intelligent in any capacity.
But to that end, Melina and Frank got food ready-or as ready as they could with only a microwave to work with.
They cooked and warmed up some more of the ham, then they warmed up some eggs-boiling it in a cup of water.
When it was ready, they pulled out the cup of the eggs, they peeled the eggs, pleased to see that they had succeeded in making the eggs hard boiled.
They placed the eggs and the ham on a paper plate.
Frank opened up the fridge, reached in and pulled out a peach, sliced it up, tossed the pit out and put the slices onto the paper plate.
They brought the paper plate over and placed it down next to the cups of water.
Clarke glanced down at the plate full of food.
She stared at the two that had brought her food over and mumbled, "Thank you."
Melina and Frank both smiled.
Clarke cautiously slid along the wall that she was leaning against, reaching down for one of the hard boiled eggs.
She picked up the egg, beginning to slowly pull the soft flesh of the egg off.
She mumbled, "I'm so tired."
"Do you want to sleep, hon-Clarke?" Bruce asked softly, almost having called Clarke by a pet name again.
Clarke either didn't notice the slip up or wasn't bothered by it as she said, "No. I don't know. I think I need to go to the bathroom before anything."
She ate some of the flesh of the egg, then ate the yolk inside, eating half of the egg, then putting it back down onto the plate.
She was about to get up, but she dropped almost painfully down onto the bed.
Jessica reached out her hand in offering and Clarke hesitantly reached out and took her hand, allowing the dark-haired woman to lit her up and lead her to the bathroom.
Clarke got into the bathroom, closed the door and Jessica, Laura, Pepper, Tony, Frank, Bruce and Melina waited.
After a few seconds, they heard Clarke groan, "Oh, for fuck's sake! Are you kidding me?!"
They whirled to look at the bathroom door, alarmed.
"Clarke?" Jessica asked.
There was the sound of movement, then the door opened.
They looked at Clarke.
Clarke was peering out from a crack in the door as she said, her voice sounding frustrated, "Can you go to the lower cabinet, furthest from the fridge?"
"Ah," Pepper said, nodding. So, that was the issue, then?
She went to the cabinet that Clarke mentioned, kneeled down and opened it up, reaching in for the packages of sanitary pads.
They hadn't been keeping track of Clarke's periods. They just had the pads around because they figured that they'd be keeping Clarke here for longer than a few weeks.
And they knew that Clarke had known where the sanitary pads were, because she had searched every inch of this place, the first few days she had been here.
"Damn," Jessica mumbled, looking at the pads, troubled. Pepper nodded. She knew what Jessica was trying to convey with that one word.
First Clarke had withdrawal, now she had her period?
This was going to be a rough few days for her.
Jessica brought a sanitary napkin to Clarke and handed it through the crack of the door and doorway to Clarke.
Clarke took it and quietly thanked Pepper.
She closed the door and the others waited a few minutes.
They heard a flushing sound and heard the water from the sink in the bathroom running.
After a few seconds, Clarke emerged from the bathroom, speaking quietly as she shook and sweated, "I have one of the pads on. So, better than nothing."
"Did any get on your underwear?" Pepper asked gently.
Clarke shrugged. "Only a little," she said, "Rest of it went into the toilet, thankfully. I'm gonna take a shower. After I eat and sleep. Sorry, but it's possible that the sheets are going to get stained."
"That's alright, Clarke," Bruce chuckled, "Considering the sheets and blankets are a few days old and considering what we've been doing on them? They're in a serious need of washing."
Clarke snorted and nodded.
Her mates in the room with her were relieved that she didn't use Bruce's comment to her advantage and tear into them for what they did, again, even if they knew they deserved it.
But it was a sign of how shitty Clarke likely felt right now, which was not okay with them.
Clarke sat back down on the bed, inching closer to the cups of water and the paper plate of food.
Clarke had taken her shoes off after sitting down on the bed and letting her mates take care of her. Her feet which were wrapped in gray socks, barely touched the floor, since the mattress of the bed was somewhat high up.
Clarke looked at Frank, then at Bruce and Tony.
She said quietly, "I'm a bit surprised you three didn't freak out."
She then took a small bite from her unfinished hard-boiled egg.
"What do you mean?" Tony asked.
"My period." Clarke stated simply, "Most guys would freak out over that."
Bruce, to Clarke's surprise, smiled. "Clarke," he said, "I'm a doctor. I'm not a gynecologist, but I'm a doctor and I know that uteruses are important in a great many of my patients' health. I would have to get used to talk of periods, even if I wasn't a gynecologist, if I wanted to be a doctor in any capacity."
Clarke eyed Bruce, but more out of surprise knowing what his occupation was, than anything else.
She then glanced at Tony.
Tony shook his head as he answered, "I don't have any occupation as a reason, just loads of lecturing from Pepper not to judge anyone about periods. Also, before I even met Pepper, I really didn't like how men treated women just because of periods, how disgusted they acted. Just how fragile can you be?"
Clarke leaned back against the wall, shrugging, taking another bite out of the egg.
She heard Melina mumble, "Alexei, that weakling, he would freak out," Melina smirked.
Clarke had no idea who 'Alexei' was, but figured she would ask later.
Tony then added, smiling, "I could pretend to be freaked out if it makes me seem 'normal,' if you'd like?"
Clarke almost spit the egg out when she nearly laughed. She didn't want to laugh at the comment, but she nearly did, and Tony clearly noticed, because his smile widened.
She tried to glare at him, but the glare lacked the venom she desired.
To distract herself, she glanced at Frank.
Frank shrugged as he said, "I've killed multiple people in bloody ways and have seen more blood than anyone living in a suburb has had the right to. It would be hypocritical for me to say that blood from someone's period, when it's a normal thing, is somehow disgusting."
Clarke nodded, trying not to think too deeply about what Frank had said about having killed multiple people and having seen more blood than anyone who lived in a suburb had the right to.
Still after she finished the first hard-boiled egg, and then gulped down water to wash it down, she looked at Frank and asked, "Why? Why did you kill all those people?"
Frank paused and Clarke for a second thought that he wouldn't answer. She noticed how Melina, Pepper and Tony tensed and how Bruce, Jessica and Laura looked like she might tell Frank to watch his mouth, going off of how they stared at Frank.
Then Frank answered, "I was married years ago. The woman I married was not my soulmate like you are. Her soulmate died years before that, from cancer. But we made a life for ourselves. We had children together. A boy and a girl. One day, at a park, we were gunned down. I survived, obviously. But my wife and the kids didn't. I'm told that I have brain damage from the incident. I hunt down anyone that's even remotely like the people that killed my family. And I've killed the people that killed my family too."
Clarke blinked, her haze of withdrawal feeling more like a hammer with this information.
What…the actual fuck?
A thought whispered in the back of her mind, (this explains so much. At least about Frank, anyway.)
She had no idea what happened to any of the others, of course.
This didn't excuse anything, but this definitely explained a lot about Frank.
Clarke said quietly, unable to help the words, even if what Frank and the others had done to her was unforgivable, what was done to him and to his family, was also unforgivable, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Frank nodded. "Like I said," he said, "I got the people that did it."
Clarke supposed it was better not to say anything. Talking about something so painful, wouldn't make it better.
She knew that it made some grieving people feel better to talk about their loved ones. But others it didn't. Clarke had the feeling Frank was the latter of the two.
Another thought crossed Clarke's mind, (Okay, that's Frank's story. What about the others?)
Clarke almost asked, wanting to point out that she knew next to nothing about the rest of her mates, but they knew so much about her, but stopped herself.
She wasn't sure if now was the right time, after Frank had more or less told her something so intimate and personal.
However, her expression must have spoken loudly, when she glanced at the rest of her mates in the room, because Tony caught her glance and said wryly, "Sorry, don't have nearly as interesting a story. Parents were murdered when I was younger, but I grew up rich. Sure, I have plenty of issues over that. But I had a sort of support system, and a lot more opportunities than a lot of orphans did." Tony added, almost as if just remembering it, "Oh, and I got abducted and held hostage one time by a powerful military group in the middle east."
Clarke's eyebrows went up. Well, that part was extremely unexpected.
Pepper smiled as she said, "Had a normal childhood, grew up and got a degree and worked for this doofus here," she nodded to Tony, smiling fondly, "My other soulmate."
Clarke nodded.
Laura said, "Similar story. Had a normal childhood. Grew up in the countryside, met my other soulmate, Clint Barton, in the store that my father ran. We got married when I was twenty-four."
Clarke listened to this, then glanced at Bruce.
Bruce added, "Just had a normal childhood. Well, if you call having an abusive father who also beat the shit out of my mother, 'normal.' But hey, became a doctor. So, that's something."
Clarke felt her heart stop. Again, that haze of withdrawal felt like an actual physical blow. To grow up with an abuser like that…
Obviously, Bruce's father hadn't been his mother's soulmate. A soulmate wouldn't be able to lift a hand to strike their soul partner. But it was horrific that she had been married to someone like that. And it was horrific that Bruce grew up in an environment like that.
Bruce smiled as he said, "It's alright. The bastard's dead, at least."
Clarke shivered, picking up the other hard-boiled egg almost on instinct and pulling off pieces of the flesh from the egg and began to eat it, and she was positive it was more out of nerves than anything else.
Her eyes subconsciously glanced to Melina.
Melina smiled then as she said, "I'm afraid it's another…painful story. I never really had a choice in what to do with my life. I was forced to grow up under very controlled conditions. Trained to be a killer. So were Natasha and Yelena. We broke out. But for a long time, I knew nothing but thirty years of training and murder."
Clarke stared at Melina. Really stared at her.
Well…if she wanted an explanation for how mentally unwell these people were, she supposed she had several explanations now.
Finally, Jessica tensed, like she might decide not to say anything before she said, in a voice that had a tone of, "fine, let's just get this fucking over with," "My family-my parents and brother, were killed in a crash with a truck. I was the only one that survived. Grew up in an adoptive family. The mom was abusive to my sister, so, I beat her up to protect my sister. The mom didn't want it coming out that she abused her daughter, so, she never touched the kid again. I got…," she hesitated then, glancing at Clarke who was watching her with pain in her blue eyes, and Jessica then pushed out, sounding rather disgusted with herself as she spoke, "I was abducted then raped multiple times, then I killed that same rapist."
Clarke's eyes almost bulged from her head.
It occurred to her only a second later that the reason for Jessica's tone of self-disgust wasn't in any way because she blamed herself for being raped, but because she knew that now she was doing the exact same thing to Clarke.
Violating Clarke, taking Clarke's choice away, the way Jessica's rapist had.
Clearly being aware of that, had an effect on Jessica.
Jessica clenched her jaw, seemingly needing to calm herself down after releasing that information to Clarke.
Clarke wanted to judge Jessica. To be violated like that, then turn around and do the same to someone else? What was more, to your own mate?
It just made no sense.
"So," Clarke said, finally feeling her words be freed, "You decided that it was okay to sexually assault someone else. At least it wasn't you getting sexually assaulted, then, right?"
Jessica flinched, looking like Clarke had hit her.
But she said nothing.
Clarke tried not to feel bad for what she had said. It was the truth. Given what Jessica had experienced, shouldn't she be trying to stop this?
What had been done to Jessica, was unforgivable. But so was what had been done to Clarke.
Still, Clarke said, "I'm sorry. What happened to you was horrible. But that doesn't excuse what all of you are doing to me."
Jessica stayed quiet, if nothing else, looking ashamed.
Clarke tried to ignore how she felt and focused on eating and drinking more water.
She shouldn't feel this way.
Shouldn't she be disgusted with them? Hate them? She didn't.
She wished she could, but she didn't.
None of what they told her excused anything. But it certainly explained a lot.
Pepper said after a few seconds, "You're not under any obligation to feel sorry for us or forgive us or give us a chance to be with you after we let you out, after we told you all this."
Clarke stared at Pepper for a few moments, then looked away. She didn't want to feel grateful to them for what they were saying and for helping her right now. She shouldn't feel grateful, and she knew that.
Her cramps at that very moment, decided to announce themselves.
She felt like something was expanding within her stomach and she whimpered, clenching her eyes shut.
She heard Melina say softly, "I'll get you a heating pad. It will hopefully help you feel better."
Clarke nodded, unable to say anything, not because she was too conflicted right now to thank Melina, but because she was in too much pain at the moment.
Melina left the room, the doors closing as she left.
And Clarke and the others waited.
Clarke leaned back against the wall again, feeling the cramps. She felt tired. But she doubted she'd be able to get to sleep easily with this pain.
"It'll be okay," Pepper said softly, "Melina will come back with the heating pad. Do you want any Tylenol?"
Clarke considered that for a few moments, before nodding. "Yeah," she said quietly.
She heard the sound of a plastic bottle with pills in it, being unscrewed and she heard something being spilled out.
"Here," she heard Pepper's soft voice again.
Clarke opened her eyes and saw a hand in front of her with the palm turned up, with two Tylenol pills in the palm.
Clarke nodded to Pepper and reached a shaky hand out, taking one pill, putting it in her mouth, grabbing a cup of water and gulping it down, then did the same with the other pill.
Pepper moved her hand away and Clarke had to fight the need to thank her. She knew she shouldn't be thanking them. Not after everything.
Jessica spoke and Clarke was startled by the dark-haired woman's words, "You must think we're pieces of shit. For doing what we're doing. You have to think I'm a piece of shit for what I'm doing. After….what happened to me."
Clarke looked at Jessica, blinked at how Jessica winced.
Jessica seemed to understand that even if what she and the others claimed to be doing was out of love and desire to please Clarke, that there was nothing that excused what she and the others did. And that it was, particularly cruel that she do to Clarke, what had been done to her, even if the reason behind what Jessica and the rest of Clarke's mates were doing to Clarke, was different from the reason for what Jessica's assailant had done to her.
"I…," Clarke started, and knew that she wouldn't say that Jessica was right. She probably should have. But she didn't. It wouldn't be the truth, after all.
She didn't consider them pieces of shit-maybe she should have, but she didn't.
"I don't," she confessed, after a long pause, "I don't think any of you are pieces of shit."
Clarke almost let out a broken laugh at the looks on the faces of her present mates, hearing her words.
All six Pepper, Tony, Bruce, Frank, Laura and Jessica all looked so relieved, almost to the point that they looked like they might cry in relief.
Clarke felt like her heart hurt, seeing those relieved expressions.
It was a rather low bar for them to be happy about. The "your mate doesn't think you're a piece of shit," was a real low bar to be relieved by.
She heard the doors to the room open up and turned her head to the door, seeing Melina come through, carrying what Clarke presumed to be the heating pad in her hands.
Melina came over to Clarke's bedside, holding the heating pad out for Clarke.
Clarke nodded to her and at last, said, "Thank you."
She was troubled by her gratitude, however, admittedly, she had never thought of using a heating pad for a period before in her entire life.
Melina looked to the others that were Clarke's mates, and noticed their emotional expressions.
At Melina's curious look, Clarke just said wryly, "I was just saying that I don't think any of you are pieces of shit."
She watched Melina, allowing the older woman to make what she would of that statement.
Melina's eyebrows narrowed, clearly trying to figure out how they got to this point in the conversation, but then she smiled and there was an expression on her face, similar to the ones that Frank, Jessica, Laura, Tony, Pepper and Bruce had on their faces.
She said, "Well, that certainly is good to know."
Clarke saw the relieved smile on Melina's face and she tried not to groan in aggravation, as she placed the heating pad against her stomach.
Her mates were bizarre. And so easy to please.
