A Conversation
Late into the night, the Order of the Phoenix received a most surprising message from Minerva McGonagall. Things seemed too good to be true. Out of the blue, Lord Voldemort had been vanquished. Hogwarts was secure. The added fact that Severus Snape was, in fact, not a traitor was enough to make them pinch themselves to make sure they weren't dreaming.
If all that was true, they had no time to waste. The war was not over yet. The Wizarding World had yet to know of these seismic developments. The government and the press were still being run by Death Eaters. And Harry and Hermione were still fugitives.
The Order sprung into action. Plans were rapidly put together to wrest control of the Ministry of Magic. The entire operation had to be conducted smoothly and swiftly to ensure that Voldemort's most dangerous supporters did not get away in the scuffle. The Aurors were already unhappy with their leadership, which comprised of Imperiused officials and their Death Eater masters. Until now, there had been little they could do about it. The Order would first neutralise those in the Auror Department sympathetic to the Death Eaters' cause, then work alongside the Aurors to liberate the rest of the Ministry. Raids would be immediately organised on known Death Eater strongholds such as Malfoy Manor. Finally, the news would be broken across the country and those guilty of perpetrating crimes would have to face the music.
As exciting the occasion was for magical Britain, to Harry, it seemed more of an epilogue. The bane of his existence was no more. He was going to know how life seemed without the most powerful Dark Wizard in a century plotting gruesome ways of his demise. He felt as if an immense load had been relieved from his shoulders. For the past few years, a future, a normal future, as he put it, had been difficult to envisage. Maybe someday, he would have a job he liked, and a house of his own and and a wife to have hot chocolate with every night before bed and children to love and friends to play Quidditch with on weekends. But Voldemort had always spun his way into his reverie, constantly tormenting Harry with his malign influence, leaving Harry with nothing but despair.
Suddenly, that pernicious presence was removed from his life. No longer there to torture him, no longer there to harm the people he loved. Harry felt release. For the first time, he felt free.
There were a few hours left until sunrise. McGonagall had allowed Harry and Hermione to use the Prefect bathrooms for a much needed hot bath and the refreshing soak was more than welcome. They were in the deserted Gryffindor common room, by the fireplace, curled up on a sofa which Hermione had magicked into a cozy lounge-bed. A blanket lay covering them.
"Do you think they'll get 'em?"
"Mmh?"
"The Death Eaters. Do you think the Aurors will catch them?"
"They will." Hermione sounded lost.
He was staring blankly at the oak logs crackling in the fire. It was a cold December night and the heat from the flames felt rather pleasant.
"Hermione."
"Mmh?"
"What are you thinking?"
"Nothing."
He knew she had her parents on her mind. Somewhere in Australia, unaware that they had a daughter.
"Listen."
"I'm listening."
"Do you remember the other night? In the tent?"
"Which one?"
He went on, slowly. "I promised you that if we ever got out of this mess alive, I'll help you find your parents. We'll try to get their memories back."
She looked at him. "You did, Harry. And I'm very touched by that."
"It's the least I can do. After all that you've done for me."
"You don't have to repay me. There is no question of obligation. That was my own decision."
"I know. And I can't thank you enough."
She held his arm. "Don't. You're my friend. My best friend."
"I'm not letting you go alone. Many dangerous people around. His supporters."
"Fine, you can come. But I do have one condition."
"What's that?"
"You're packing your own bag this time, Mr. Potter. It gets all jumbled and messed up in one."
Harry chuckled. "Sure. Though, I must say, your beaded handbag has been very useful, Miss Granger."
"It's no longer 'Miss Granger', remember?"
Harry closed his eyes. There it was. The elephant in the room. The topic he had been apprehensive to broach. He did remember, how could he forget? What a night it had been. He had married his best friend, in a moment of desperation, hours before his fortunes changed completely. Now, she wanted to discuss it, which was the right thing to do. But it wasn't going to make the conversation less awkward.
"Ah, yes."
She stared at him, wanting him to say more. "Go on."
"Er… I'm a bit tired you know… and there's a big day coming… so I think I'll just…"
"Harry."
"Do you want to talk about it?" There was no escaping Hermione. Sure, bring it on then. Better be done with it now than have it come up later at some inopportune moment.
"We need to talk about it, Harry." She softly added, "I just married you."
"I… I don't know what to say, Hermione. When I asked you, obviously, I didn't know things would move so fast."
"Neither did I."
He could already see the oncoming question hanging in the air between them. Hermione looked as nervous as him, he could see that on her face.
"Harry, why did you ask me to marry you?" Her voice was only a notch above a whisper.
"Why did you agree to marry me?"
"That's not fair, I asked you first."
He took a deep breath and leaned back. Another log popped and disintegrated into sparks.
"I don't know."
"Excuse me? You don't know?" Her eyebrows were raised. He could sense her anger building. This isn't good.
"This is not going well."
"Then stop being an arse and talk to me, Potter."
"Fine then, I'll tell you why I asked you." He felt frustrated with her dogged manner. "I asked you because… because I was selfish."
"Selfish?"
"Yes, selfish. I wanted a family. I felt angry, at the world, at our miserable condition, at myself for having dragged you into this. I wanted something for myself. There. There you have it. Happy now?"
"Harry… if you were selfish… then so was I."
"Huh?"
"I too wanted a family. I too felt angry at everyone. But not at you, Harry, none of it was your fault. And for the last time, you didn't drag me into anything. It. Was. My. Own. Decision."
He nodded. "I care about you, Hermione. You… you didn't abandon me like… like…" He found it difficult to say Ron's name, but Hermione understood.
"I would never have."
"You were the only person I cared about so much. You are the only person I care about so much. That is why I asked you to marry me."
Hermione whispered, "I feel the same about you, Harry. That is why I said yes."
He looked into her brown eyes. She smiled and his spirits lifted. It was a small smile, but not a wistful one, one that certainly showed no regret.
"I couldn't bear to… you know, I thought that if I were to die, I might as well die a married woman."
He moved his right hand under the blanket and put it on Hermione's left, tracing the ring on her finger. If she were to die… no, shut up, Potter. None of that now. Voldemort's dead. The war's over.
"So where does that leave us now? Harry?"
Silence filled the room. A million thoughts ran through Harry's head. What are we? Are we husband and wife? Or are we just best friends who care about each other a lot? Are we lovers? Did Hermione just tell me she has feelings for me? No, don't get ahead of yourself, Potter. She has said nothing of that sort. She just told me that she cares about me. Very much. Friends do that. Best friends do that. Best friends care about each other, don't they? And speaking of best friends, what about Ron? Ron is going to kill me. I married his girl while he was gone, no less. And what about my girl, Ginny? Wait, Ginny's not my girl. Do I have feelings for Hermione? Did I just cheat on Ginny? No, I broke up with her before we left. Does that mean Hermione and I can… wait, what the hell am I thinking. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. And remember, she loves Ron. Ron. She loves Ron.
His stomach lurched when he thought of Ron and Ginny. The Weasleys. There was a storm brewing there and he didn't think he had the strength to face it. There would be an outrage. Most likely, Ron would never talk to him again. Ginny was going to be mad at him. The Burrow would be out of bounds for Harry and Hermione, for God knows how long, maybe forever.
"Harry? Are you listening?"
He turned to her, his mind in a state of part-confusion at their relationship status and part-despair at the consequences and potential repercussions of their enormous in-the-heat-of-the-moment decision.
"Hermione, do you love Ron?"
"What?" Hermione was taken aback.
"Tell me, do you have feelings for Ron?"
"Does it matter?"
His heart sank. She did love Ron. It was over.
"It does, since we could be married." He said in a low voice.
"For the record, Mr. Potter, we are married. And no, I do not have feelings for Ron. Especially after he left us. That arsehole. How could you even suggest that?"
"So… before we fought… you two had something going? I mean, last year, he seemed quite interested in you, didn't he?"
"He got all the wrong ideas, like he always does. It's my fault, I should've kept things clearer between us."
"You were quite upset when he started snogging Lavender, though."
"I was stupid. There wasn't anything for Ron. I just wanted to feel… er..." She grew a bit red. "Everyone had someone. You had Ginny. No one noticed me. I didn't feel wanted." She was now very red. "I wanted to feel like a girl, you know."
Harry laughed. "Hermione, you are a girl. You don't have to get all Romilda Vane-y to be considered one."
"I told you, I was stupid. Blame it on the bloody hormones. And hey, whatever may I have done in my idiocy, I was nothing like Romilda Vane."
"Sure, I was just kidding. So, no Ron?"
"No. That ship has sailed."
"Huh."
"May I ask why are we even having this discussion? So that you can feel less guilty about marrying me?"
"There's some of that, yeah."
"What about you? You broke up with Ginny, right?"
"And we both know how well that will go when I tell her that I married you and it wasn't cheating because I broke up with her first."
Hermione sighed. "Oh God, Ginny's going to go batshit crazy about this."
"Ron too."
"Oh please, Harry, he has no right to lecture us. Especially on matters of loyalty."
"I don't blame him, Hermione. He had every right to be concerned about his family."
"I don't want to hear about it."
"Hermione, what are we going to do?" His tone was serious. They had to get this cleared up. He had to know how she felt.
"As in?" She knew what he was referring to, but she didn't have the heart to face rejection.
"You know it. As in, what do we do next?"
Harry took her hand and brought it over the blanket. He kept his own beside hers. Matching platinum wedding bands glistened in the reddish glow of the fire.
"Harry." Her voice quivered, she was extremely nervous about what she was about to say.
"Hermione." His heart ramped up. He knew what she was about to say. And he feared it.
"Harry… do… do you…"
"Hermione."
"Do you want to get a separation? A divorce?" There, she had said it. The dreaded D-word.
Did he want to get a divorce? Truth betold, he didn't. His heart refused to even consider the idea. This made him revisit his feelings, do I have feelings for Hermione? If I don't, why does the idea of a divorce sound so awful to me? Do I want to remain married to her? I do. I just do. I don't know why. Hell, it's been less than six hours since the ceremony. I haven't even had the chance to know what it feels like to be married to Hermione. But what if she doesn't fancy the idea as much as I do? Sure, Ron's out of the picture. But there are other men. Other suitors. Viktor Krum, for instance. And we're still so young. She's going to meet scores of men, young attractive men over the years. Why would she want me over those lucrative options?
"I… I…" He was too afraid to voice the truth about how he felt about that idea.
"Say it, Harry. Do you?" She was insistent, the tension was eating into her too.
"I don't. I don't want us to get a separation, Hermione. Much less a divorce." He had taken the leap of faith. Now it was all up to how Hermione felt…
"Do you? Tell me Hermione. I need to know it." He whispered, heart pounding, waiting for her answer, just like when he had asked her in the church to marry him…
"Me neither, Harry."
Relief. It's fine, it's okay, Potter. She's not leaving you. Not right now, atleast.
"But you're not in love me. We married under very special circumstances, remember? Under pressure. That doesn't look like the foundation of a happy marriage to me." She sadly told him.
"I still want to be with you."
"If you leave me, you can be with Ginny. She loves you, you know?"
"I don't want to be with Ginny. I told you, I want to be with you."
"What happened?"
Harry ran a hand through his unruly hair. "Things have… changed… in the last few months."
"Things?"
"My feelings. How I see her. I don't see her that way, not anymore. Our two month fling seems rather silly now when I think about it. It looks different from the other side, I mean, after Voldemort's defeat."
"Are you sure you're not saying all this just to make me happy? 'Cause you two were quite clingy back in May."
"Back in May, Hermione. May was ages ago."
"No, it wasn't. It's been only seven months. Talk about a lasting marriage."
"In terms of what has happened in those seven months, it was. And we weren't even remotely close to being married. It was all… superficial. Merlin, I barely know anything about her."
"Well, you guys did spend a rather lot of time in broom closets."
Harry snorted. "No we didn't. And even the few times we did, it was all snogging. We never talked. Like I do, with you. I told you, we were silly. It was all on the surface. So that she could show off to her friends she was dating the great Harry Potter."
"Oh."
"It doesn't matter, Hermione. I'm not getting back with her. Even if we weren't married."
"Huh."
"So…" Since neither of them wanted a separation… that meant…
"We're… going through with this?"
"Er… yeah? Right?"
Hermione did not say anything. He could see the tanged mess of emotions in her mind, like himself. This was a huge decision for her.
"Hermione? Are you with me?"
"Yes… yes Harry, I'm with you. We're going through with this."
Progress, finally progress. One very important question had been straightened out, they were going to stay married, atleast for the foreseeable future. Personally, Harry liked the agreement. This was what his heart wanted, but why? This opened up a trove of unresolved matters. How did Hermione see him? How did he see Hermione? Why had they decided to stay married if neither was in love with the other? Sure, they cared about each other, but romantic love was an entirely different ballgame.
Romance? With Hermione? We're at romance now?
A thrill went through Harry. He had never considered the idea of being in a romantic relationship with Hermione before. Why? It isn't like Hermione's not attractive.
A memory from fifth year flashed past. 'I don't think you're ugly.' He had stopped at that, not daring to go on. Not daring to tell her that he found her mighty fine. Shut up Potter, those are dangerous waters.
Thoughts like that can wait, he told himself. He would figure them out later. For now, they had accomplished enough. He felt weary, he hadn't slept a wink and the night had taken its toll on him, both mentally and physically.
"I'm glad we came to this conclusion." He couldn't help saying it, he did feel pretty relieved.
"Me too, Harry."
"You know, we should get some sleep."
"There's one last thing we must discuss. What do we tell the world?"
Valid question. What do we tell the world? What do we tell Ron and Ginny?
Apart from the minister who had married them, no one knew. Not McGonagall, not Snape, no one. Not unless they told everybody.
"Hermione, we'll be returning to Hogwarts when the next term starts in January, right?"
"Of course. There'll be no more Death Eaters here. We have to finish our education, Harry."
"Right."
She understood what he was hinting at. "There… there would be problems if people here came to know that we're… you know… a couple."
A couple. He liked how that sounded.
"Yeah. It'll be quite awkward."
"Harry, what have we done to ourselves? To our futures?" It was a rhetorical question that was asked in her anxiety without consideration. It made him feel incredibly guilty. He had once again jeopardised her future, on a whim of his capricious mind. She's regretting it. Oh, why did I have to be so stupid? What was I thinking? What have I done? Of course, she blames me.
"It's my fault. I shouldn't have asked you…"
"No! I wasn't saying that!" Hermione stopped him. "We put ourselves in this situation. It was my decision too. I could've refused, but I didn't. Stop blaming yourself all the time. I'm just… concerned. For us. About what'll happen next."
"I think… I think we'd better keep this a secret. If we are to return to Hogwarts, then…"
"I agree. That'll be best."
Silence again. A secret. Let's see how I manage to keep my marriage a secret.
"You know, Hermione, it's going to come out one day."
"Maybe. We'll… we'll see about that when the time comes. For now, I don't think it's anybody's business to know that I'm Harry Potter's wife."
Wife. Whoa.
"Yeah."
