Caroline spent most of Thursday afternoon smiling to herself, and had a lovely deep sleep that night. When she awoke on Friday, it was with eagerness for the day.
"Morning, Beverley! Yes, I'm early again."
"Morning, Caroline! I'm just ringing around trying to get cover for Kate Mackenzie's classes."
"Trying that..Kate McKenzie? Is she sick?"
"She called in just now. Very croaky and feeling- where are you going?"
"Ah..I just remembered I forgot Williams project that I said I'd bring in so he didn't have to take it on the bus. I'd better nip home. I won't be long."
..
She would have gone back to bed. Caroline should have thought this through. She couldn't just knock and make her come all the way downstairs.
She paced for a few moments and then pulled out her mobile. Surely if she had called Beverley she would have it to hand.
"Caroline? I'm sorry I-"
"I'm downstairs."
"What?"
"You don't have to come down now, but I'm putting some things on your doorstep. Some rehydration tablets, warm honey and lemon in a thermos, some paracetamol, and a few other things. Beverly didn't say what was wrong, so I've got you rather a lot. I did theoretically kill you on the cricket grounds yesterday, after all."
She could hear the smile in Kate's voice as she said a croaky. "Thank you."
"And about tonight. I..well, I'm sorry, but I'm not willing to give up my good times Friday on its second outing, even if you are poorly, so I thought I might bring over some soup and a movie after work?"
"That sounds perfect."
"Ok. Well. If you have any requests or need me to bring anything else, just text me."
"Ok. Thanks again, Caroline. "
"It's what friends do." Or so she would imagine.
Caroline had brought an awful lot of things that Kate, in her current state, struggled to carry inside. She found probably one of each thing sold at the local pharmacy, which would keep her first aid cabinet stocked for a few years, and then, at the bottom of the bag… Kate lifted it out to make sure, and then a smile lit her face. A raggedy old teddy bear. That smelled of Caroline. He had a name tag neatly sewn to his felt suit jacket- Mr N. Bear.
Caroline was mid meeting when she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She glanced around the table and then pulled it from her pocket, trying to look as though it was a very important school related text.
What does the N stand for?
Norbert.
Did you name him, or did he come with that?
I named him. A bear in a suit needs an auspicious name.
As Caroline kept her smile firmly hidden, a photo suddenly popped up of a watery eyed, red nosed Kate cuddling Mr Norbert Bear. The smile made its way into the world.
Already having organised John to be with the boys that evening- she had texted him on Wednesday and given him no choice in the matter because they were his kids too- Caroline made her way back to Kate's house soon after 5, having been to the supermarket.
She didn't question the excitement bubbling in her stomach all day, because surely that's how all new friends felt, she just hadn't had enough experience with friendships lately to realise.
Kate had texted an hour ago to say she might be asleep when Caroline arrived, but for her to come in and make herself at home in the kitchen, so when she arrived she made her way straight through the front door.
The home was so Kate. Beautiful, comfortable, artistic. Eyes making their way around the room, they soon came to rest on the couch. They stayed there for a long time before closing. Deep breath. Caroline made her way into the kitchen.
On the couch lay Kate, cuddled with Norbert and oblivious to the thoughts going on in her guests head.
….
When Kate woke, her voice was almost gone, which made for a much quieter Friday night than the previous one. This time, when silence fell, Caroline felt it was up to her to fill it. Slowly, stilted, the story of John and Caroline came out. Heavily edited, of course, but not intentionally. It was the version of herself that Caroline had presented to the world for decades after all.
When she got to the explanation of Johns cheating, her voice broke and she looked down at her lap, unable to go on. Not because it hurt, but because she felt so foolish not to have seen it coming. "No. That's not right. It did hurt. It does hurt. Because..because I gave so much of myself, and I was..I was found wanting." A sob.
Kate's touch seemed to come so suddenly that Caroline felt she had no chance to refuse it. She found herself enfolded in a hug. A proper hug. And then the tears began. Not light, dainty tears, but soaking heavy ones that brought gulps and gasps and snot and sobs.
And Kate held her through it all, rocking them both gently.
It was almost half an hour before the sobs quietened and normal breathing returned, but still kate kept Caroline close. So close Caroline could hear her steady heartbeat. Caroline felt her eyelids growing heavy. For once she didn't fight the sleep that came.
"Oh. It's you."
"Yes, I do live here, John." Caroline slipped her shoes off and put them by the door.
"I thought you'd be out longer."
"Well, here I am. Where are the boys?"
"Upstairs reading before bed."
"Good. Okay. Well, you can go upstairs and say goodbye to them, and then you can leave."
"I thought I could stay the night."
"You thought wrong."
"You said you didn't know what time you'd be home; I haven't organised anywhere else to stay!"
Caroline sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "If you're staying, I will be going. I will not spend the night under the same roof as you. And if you're staying, you'll need to wake and organise Lawrence for his rugby in the morning, and make sure he has everything he needs for the night, because he will be going to angus' afterwards."
"Of course I can do that, I'm his father!"
"Good. Well then. I'm going to go and pack a bag and say goodbye to the boys."
"Why goodbye?" William asked from the doorway, having been drawn downstairs by his fathers raised voice.
"Yes, Caroline, explain to our son why."
Caroline shut her eyes to stop herself snapping. "I will not spend the night under the same roof as your father, and as he won't go, i'm going."
"I want to go with you."
"Of course you do." John sneered.
Caroline clenched her jaw and threw a look at her husband that made his face drop. "Ok. Go and pack a bag. And some homework or a book."
William nodded and rushed back up the stairs.
"Where are you going to go? Everywhere will be booked out, it's the long weekend." John spoke almost smugly.
"I don't know. A friends house. But you can rest assured that wherever we end up, our eldest son will be well cared for." Caroline made her way up the stairs to talk to her youngest.
"What friend?!"
"I'm sorry."
Kate looked at the miserable face before her, their tears barely hidden.
After Caroline had fallen asleep earlier, Kate found herself keeping hold of the blonde, wanting to protect her from the hurt. When Caroline had woken not half an hour later, she was still in her arms. Their eyes met.
And then Caroline had jumped up, wished her better, said something about the boys, and then rushed out.
Now here she stood In jeans, sweatshirt and slippers, bag over her arm, and two miserable boys stood behind her.
"Come in." Kate stepped aside, studying them all. They all looked close to tears. "..everyone sit down and I'll make us a drink, then we can work out sleeping arrangements." Kate offered as she shut the door.
"Your throat sounds sore." Lawrence offered, not usually one to notice such things.
"It is, a bit."
Caroline made a bit of a strangled noise, causing all eyes to turn to her. She had forgotten. In her anger and her panic she had forgotten kate was sick, and she had brought all this onto her.
"You boys put the tv on and your mum can help me with the drinks." Kate led Caroline into the kitchen.
"I forgot you were sick. I forgot and I'm a horrible, selfish, stupid person!"
"No." Kate said sternly, her hands moving to rest on Caroline's cheeks, so she would look at her. "No. I'm your friend, and this is what friends are for. What happened?"
"He had her there. Tonight. In my house. Again. After he promised me it was done. He made the boys go to their rooms and he let her in. To my bedroom! With our children in the house! I couldn't stay there, Kate. And he wouldn't leave. I didn't know what to do."
"You did the right thing coming here. And if I didn't feel so tired, I would go over there right now and kick this John right up the arse."
Caroline let out a noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob at the image that brought, but before she could speak, she found herself enveloped into another hug.
This hug went on until the kettle had boiled, after which Kate sat her down at the kitchen table with a hot chocolate, then she disappeared to take some to the boys. Caroline heard them discussing sleeping arrangements, and then heard the 3 of them heading upstairs.
When Kate returned a few minutes later, she dropped a kiss to Caroline's hair that brought another sob from her lips, but she felt as though she had cried herself out.
"The boys are ok. They're sharing the spare room. It has a pull out bed. Lawrence is playing a game with headphones on and William is reading. I told them you'd go up to say goodnight before you went to sleep."
Caroline nodded, not lifting her eyes from her mug.
"You have two choices."
Carolines heart sank. She couldn't make a decision about anything, not tonight.
"You can sleep downstairs on the pull out sofa bed, which is extremely comfortable and gives good access to both the TV and cups of tea if you can't sleep, or you can sleep upstairs in my bed, which is extremely comfortable and closer to the boys."
"Where will you sleep?" Caroline asked wearily.
"Wherever you do."
"What?" Carolines head lifted, surprised.
"I think you need a friend nearby. I may just sleep heavily and cough and snore all night, but I hope maybe just my presence might help."
Caroline nodded, surprised to feel more tears falling. "It will."
…
"I'm going to head to bed. I've set my phone alarm for rugby, so don't stay up late playing your game." Caroline told her youngest as she walked into the spare room a short while later. She took the book from an already sleeping Williams chest and marked his place before putting it on top of his bag.
"…mum?"
"Yeah?"
Lawrence too off his headphones and seemed to be trying to talk but unable to get the words out.
Caroline sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his knee. "..I'm sorry you saw me and your dad fighting."
"..what he did wasn't very nice to you."
"No. No, it wasn't."
"…I don't know why he's being like this. Because he's lucky to have you. You're the best thing since sliced bread."
Caroline gave a soft laugh. "Am I? Even when I make you clean your room?"
"Well…most of the time."
Smiling, Caroline stood and then bent down to kiss his head. "I love you. And your dad loves you."
"I love you, too."
She kissed his head again, then kissed Williams too before she quietly left the room, leaving the door ajar in case they needed her in the night.
..
Two hours later Caroline lay under an impossibly thick comforter on an impossibly comfortable bed, a mug of tea beside her and the moonlight shining through a huge window. She couldn't sleep, she couldn't think. What she could do to calm herself, though, was watch Kate McKenzie, who slept on her side in flannel pyjamas, a bright red nose, a soft snore, and a hand still holding tightly to one of her friends, resting between them on the pillow.
"Mum, I've-"
"Shh! Need I remind you we are not at home, and people are still asleep so you need to lower your voice! Kate said there is toast or cereal, which do you want?"
"Toast, please."
"Right. Ok. Go and sit down."
Lawrence nodded, looking at his mother warily.
"Morning, mum."
For once, Lawrence was glad to see his brother. He would know how to deal with his mum.
"Morning. Toast?"
"Please. But I'll do it. You go and finish your coffee."
Lawrence kicked himself for not having thought to make his own.
Caroline kissed her oldest son's cheek and then went to sit down. "Why are you already dressed? It's only 6am!"
"I thought I'd come with you to Lawrence's game. It's the last of the season, isn't it?"
"You're coming?!" Lawrence asked, astounded.
William knew he would be upset that his dad probably wouldn't be there, so he bit back a sarcastic retort and just nodded. "I think Miss McKenzie is coming, too. She's upstairs getting-"
"She is bloody not. She's sick!"
When Caroline shot from her chair and marched from the room, the boys shared a smile. Miss McKenzie was going to get an earful.
"What on earth do you think you're doing?!"
Kate turned around, toothbrush still in her mouth and a startled look on her face.
"You're not coming with us. It's freezing! You're going straight back to bed. No arguments. I've already put enough on your plate the last couple of days without adding several testosterone filled hours in the freezing cold. Back to bed. Now."
Kate opened her mouth to reply.
"Now."
The boys heard it downstairs and sniggered.
Kate obediently finished brushing her teeth and went back to bed, in awe and also amused.
"Lawrence is going to a friends house afterwards, so once we are done, if it's ok, I will bring William back here and then go and check John has left the house. If he has, I will come back here, get William, and you are to pack a bag because you'll be coming to my house until you're feeling better. Understood?"
"Do I have a choice?"
Suddenly Caroline's façade dropped. "Do you not want to?"
"I..I…yes. Yes, I do." Kate smiled.
After a brief pause, Caroline smiled back. "I'll bring you up a cup of tea before we leave."
Kate watched the blonde turn to the door. "Caroline?"
"Yes?"
"I think you're possibly the only person, aside from my mother, who I would let boss me around in my own home."
"Do I remind you of your mother?"
"Not in the slightest."
"Good."
"…Caroline?"
She turned around this time, a smile still toying on her lips. "What?"
"..you could never be found wanting. You're the smartest, kindest, funniest, most loving conundrum of a person I have ever met, and I'm honoured to call you a friend. John was the one found wanting. Please don't ever think that you did anything to cause him to cheat."
"Maybe I did." Caroline said softly, looking at the ground.
"You didn't."
Caroline lifted her eyes to Kate, and stayed there in a silence that stretched on for too long. "..I kept a part of myself hidden from him. From everyone. For decades. He didn't love the real me because he didn't know the real me."
"Who is the real you?"
"..I'm not sure I know anymore. But what I do know is that I feel closest to that person when I'm with you. Who I could be. Who I should be. If only I were brave enough."
"Ma! We need to leave!" Lawrence suddenly bellowed up the stairs.
Carolines eyes dropped from Kate's.
"Courage doesn't always mean a big leap. Sometimes it just takes a single step in the right direction."
Caroline nodded, then shook her head, her voice full of emotion as she replied. "Not yet. I can't. Not yet."
"Well, I will be here when you do."
Caroline lifted her eyes again, smiling though a single tear rolled down her cheek. She mouthed two words and then left the room. Thank you
