"Katherine McKenzie?"
Kate had remembered why she hated traveling. The noise, the delays, the exhaustion. By the time she arrived she just wanted her bed, and not to spend hours getting to her mothers house. As soon as she exited the gate, a woman saying her name could only mean one thing; her mother was sick. Her dad was sick. Her dad had died. Caroline. Caroline had died. One of the boys had-
"I'm here to drive you to your destination."
Kate released the breath she had been holding. "..I didn't book anything. My mum-"
"A Caroline Elliot booked with us. She asked, and we don't strictly offer this service, but she also asked us to give you this." The woman held out a coffee and a brown paper bag. Inside was a marmalade sandwich on soft white bread, Kate's secret pleasure and one she hadn't thought Caroline was aware of.
"Thank you. She's.. very persuasive. I'll make sure she leaves a 5 star review."
In the back of the of the car ten minutes later, Kate considered the cost of an international call, and then thought 'fuck it' and dialled Caroline's number.
It was answered immediately. "Kate? Did you get there okay? I saw your flight was delayed."
"You're the best thing since the invention of a marmalade sandwich on soft white bread, Caroline."
She could hear the happiness in her voice as Caroline replied, "I know it's exhausting to travel, and since your mum couldn't pick you up, I thought this was the next best thing."
"You're perfect."
Caroline smiled and lay back against her pillow. "Tell me about your day. And don't worry about the cost, William set up some international thing on your phone on Friday so it will be covered under your free calls."
"You're all perfect."
"Except for Lawrence, who sat on my couch after rugby in his dirty clothes."
"Oh! How long is he grounded for?"
"The foreseeable. Plus he has to clean his room until it's spotless. And you're not to help him again if he hasn't done it by the time you're back!"
"oops. I thought you didn't know."
"Have you ever met a teenage boy who puts a candle in his room to cover up the smell of his teenage-ness?"
"No, I suppose you're right. But I only hel- Caroline! It's 2am!"
"No it's not, you're 5 hours behind, so it's only 9pm."
"But it's 2am there! You need to go to sleep. Why are you even awake?! Go to sleep. I will call you in the morning."
"But Kate-"
"Goodnight, Caroline."
"Bossy."
"You are."
"I'm not."
"You are."
"..sometimes I am."
"Goodbye, Caroline."
"No." Carolines voice suddenly lost its smile. "Goodnight, not goodbye."
"Goodnight, Caroline." Kate said gently.
"Goodnight, Kate."
"Good morning, sunshine." Ginika smiled at her daughter when she finally emerged the next day. When she had arrived the night before she was half asleep and had merely mumbled a hello and then fallen asleep in her mothers arms.
"Morning." Kate smiled ruefully, giving her mother another, proper, hug. "It's so good to see you."
"I've missed my baby girl."
"I'm 41, mum, I haven't been your baby girl in years."
"You'll always be my baby girl. Now, let me get you some breakfast, and then we will sit down and talk."
"I'll just call-"
"Caroline? She's already called. We talked."
"What?"
"I answered your phone when it rang. It turned out to be her son calling to ask for your help with some spelling on a letter he wanted to write his mum about her couch, which is apparently ruined. I helped him out. Then it rang again and it was Caroline this time, so I asked her what her intentions were."
"You didn't?!"
"No." Ginika smiled. "But I know my girl well enough to be able to tell when she's in love. So sit down, drink that coffee while I make food, and then we'll talk."
Kate sat down, staring at her mother as she cooked. "..did you actually talk to her?"
"I did."
"What did you say?"
"I said you got here okay, you were still asleep, and that she was very thoughtful to organise that lift for you. And then I also said thank you for being such a good friend to you. She said you're the good friend, she's just learning the ropes from you."
Kate smiled, reaching for her phone.
"She has a PhD, you know. Imagine me with a daughter in law who has a PhD."
"Mum.." Kate sighed and put her phone back down. She felt a headache coming on. She had come here for a rest from the turmoil in her heart, but it turned out she couldn't escape it.
"Your mum is a bit intense." Caroline offered as soon as she answered the phone a couple of hours later.
"My mum? She's nowhere as intense as your mum. Celia asked me, on my second time to your house what-" Kate paused, realising now. "She asked me what my intentions were."
"Did she?" Caroline laughed. "What did you say?"
"I said I wanted to be your friend, because I thought you were funny, smart, and interesting. She asked me about my career prospects at Sulgrave."
"Sounds like my mum. Assumes anyone who is trying to be my friend doesn't actually like me and is only after what they can get."
"I like you. For you."
"I know." Caroline said with a smile. "But anyway, the reason I called was to see if you helped Lawrence with the note he wrote me."
"You said I couldn't help him with his room, not that I couldn't help him with an apology! Anyway, it wasn't me, it was my mum. I slept through it all."
"Mm. Well, tell her she spelled Troublesome incorrectly. I'll have to mark her down for it, I'm afraid. Best I can do is a B."
"I'll hand her the phone so you can tell her yourself."
"No! Kate, No!" Caroline immediately cried out, panicked.
Kate laughed, though it quietened when she saw her mum watching her from the doorway. "I'd better go. We are going out to lunch with some people mum knows."
"Okay. Have fun. And don't fall in love."
Too late.
Over the next few days, they didn't talk much,texting instead of calling. Caroline sensed Kate needed space, and though she didn't quite understand why, she felt she should give it to her. And Kate was enjoying time with her mother, being open about her feelings. Being able to talk. Being able to mention Caroline openly as often as she felt like.
It was a week after Kate had left that she called again late one afternoon. She was mostly quiet, and Caroline found it difficult to fill the silence.
Finally, she asked, "are you okay, Kate?"
"..being here just got me thinking, I suppose. My mum has reminded me of all the plans in my life that I've felt like I haven't had time for."
"There's always time."
"Not for everything. I always, even when I was still a child myself, thought I would be a mother. When..when I was with Richard, I had 4 miscarriages. I think it contributed to everything that happened later."
"Oh kate, I'm so sorry."
"…I would still like a baby. A child. But I'm not sure I could do it on my own. I'd need a partner. And given my age, I don't have long, so I feel like that dream has passed me by."
"You'd be a fantastic mother, Kate. I've seen you with so many children over the years. It might be harder to do it alone, but if anyone could do that, it's you."
Kate gave an unreadable sigh, and Caroline worried she had said the wrong thing.
"Did you and John ever want more kids?"
"…I think at the beginning we did want 3 or 4. We were both only children who had wished for siblings. And then when William came along we thought we would have a whole football team because he was so easy. But Lawrence..well, I don't think he stopped crying until he was about 3. Day and night. He had reflux, he had colic. It was exhausting. By the time he calmed down, my dad was sick, my career was taking off, John's books were becoming popular. It didn't feel like the right time. And then I suppose life got in the way and it never felt like the right time again."
"I can't imagine you pregnant."
"Oh, it was hideous. I was huge. The belly popped early with both boys, I was forever hot, I was grumpy, I couldn't sleep."
"..I can't imagine you having sex with John, either."
Caroline went quiet.
"Sorry. That was a bit… sorry. I meant..wanting to."
"Well, he wasn't always the pillock he is now. And he was good looking. And he was romantic, with his poetry and his stories."
"Is that how he wooed you?"
Caroline was silent again now. "No." Was the final answer that came.
"We don't have to-"
"I don't think he wooed me at all. Not really. I think he was the unfortunate man who took an interest in me at a time when I needed a man to."
Kate remained silent, sensing more.
"..I dated someone. And I suppose I was in love. I didn't think of any consequences, I was just happy. I hadn't been a happy child, because of my parents, so I was reveling In it. Then I took them home. My mum hated them. She was..well, you know what she can be like."
"What happened then?"
"I panicked. I was scared that my happy life might end. So I jumped before I was pushed. I broke it off with her."
Kate was stunned into silence. Caroline didn't seem to realise what she had said.
"They went their way, rightfully angry with me. I threw myself into study. John was supportive of me, I thought my mum would like John. She didn't in the end, but he was acceptable, so we got married."
Kate remained silent, her eyes staring at her shoes.
"Anyway, the point is I think I picked him, and he went along with me. And that was that. How did you and Richard-"
"She."
"Sorry?"
"You said she."
It was Caroline's turn to be quiet then. It felt like hours to Kate before she gave a quiet "yes."
"..I didn't realised you had ever…"
"She was my first and last."
"Do you..have you.."
Kate let out a shaking breath. She couldn't have this discussion while sat on a train a million miles from the blonde.
"..I don't..I've never really been one to think about what ifs. At least not until John cheated. but on the rare occasion I've considered..things..it was a female."
Kate squinted her eyes for a moment, trying to decide what in fact Caroline was saying.
"Sex." She suddenly said. Kate almost dropped the phone. "If I think about it at all, or day dream, it has always been a woman in my mind. I don't know if that's the what ifs, or if I'm..anyway. I think that's probably enough sordid details about my life for one day."
"..I'm glad you've trusted me enough to tell me." Kate offered quietly.
"Well, you're hardly likely to be offended or homophobic about it, are you. You're the best person to tell, really. And I tell you just about everything else."
"..Caroline, I don't know if this is the right time. And I don't know if there is-"
"Shit! Sorry, Kate, I'm going to have to call you back. The bloody bastard power has gone off. Again! Shit. I'll call you back!"
The phone was evidently thrown somewhere, and Kate could hear Lawrence come thundering down the stairs complaining, and then William grumbling that he was trying to do homework, and Caroline's frustration with both them and the situation.
She listened for a little while, finding it strangely comforting, before she hung up.
..
Once the emergency was over, it dawned on caroline what she had actually just admitted to her friend. And her response. Just quiet acceptance.
Caroline wondered what she had ever done without Kate.
She called her number, nibbling at a smile on her lips, her eyes on the selfie of Kate and the boys that rested on the kitchen bench in a frame.
And then her stomach dropped. Another realisation hit Caroline like a tonne of bricks.
She hung up the phone.
She put the phone down on the bench.
She stared at the phone.
"…shit."
