A/N: I will admit that this should be an omake in the vein of the previous idea, so expect more crack ie OOCness. Big thanks to AJKaton for thinking up an awesome title for this idea-series.
I shall be referring to the time-displaced O5 by their pet names for at least this drabble:
Teen Jean = Jeen, Teen Scott = Tyke, Teen Hank = Tank or CuBeast, Teen Warren = Warreen (someone recommend a better name), and Teen Bobby = Snow Princess/Fairy.
Crisis on Infinite Cyclops Daughters: White Room of Hot Mamas
Perched on her spot in the White Hot Room overlooking the Earth of her home reality, Jean Grey-Summers had enough of all the time-travel and dimension-hopping shenanigans of her husband's alternate-reality children. She would have words with the would-be mothers, personally, if not for a snag in that plan:
She was dead and her body was still not ready to be raised. So, since she couldn't go to said would-be mother counterparts, she did the next best thing. Jean brought them to her via the Astral Plane.
It was no easy task for one of them.
Emma Frost didn't put up that much of a fight. Sure she resisted upon feeling the intrusion but, after recognizing who it was, she allowed herself to get pulled. The White Queen was more resigned than anything else.
Wanda Maximoff was effortless. With mental defenses as feeble as hers, it was no wonder being possessed was just another day in the life of the Scarlet Witch.
But Illyana Rasputin… Jean had completely forgotten the near-impenetrable mind Magik possessed even as a child in the New Mutants squad. Still, Jean had power-cosmic at her disposal and a bordering-obsessive need for Illyana to attend. That Illyana hadn't expected her played no small part in Jean's successful astral kidnapping.
Unfortunately, the extra effort Jean exerted to bring Illyana to the White Hot Room managed to snag a stowaway, and Jean found herself blinking in surprise as an identical pair of eyes stared back at her.
Oh, her patience was at her limit with Hank McCoy! First she was forced to brainwash her husband into taking his chance with Emma to prevent the desolate future Hank would have brought, and now, in this timeline, Hank decides to pull a stunt like this? She would burn him, bring him back to life, and then burn him all over again!
"Uhmmm…" The time-displaced Jean Grey glanced around before clearing her throat and smiling nervously at her older—dead—counterpart. "I wondered when we'd have this talk, but I never expected it to be with company."
That snapped the sole resident of this reality's White Hot Room out of her internal rant.
Jean Grey-Summers supplied, "Well, to be honest, I never wanted to see you." She saw her younger self, Jeen, pout, and so quickly explained, "You and I can both agree that this is as awkward as it gets and you will not listen to whatever I say. I'd rather spare us the drama and let you get on with life."
Jeen frowned. "I'll be dead."
"And yet I'm here." Jean countered.
"I-" Jeen's eyes flashed before she realized that she didn't actually have an answer for that. "…why are we here?"
That question seemed to be the cue their audience was waiting for as the White Queen spoke.
"Indeed." Emma agreed but made no move to approach either Jeans. "I would like to know why is it that you've chosen to reveal yourself now, Ms. Grey."
"Mrs. Summers." Jean swiftly corrected in a tone as chilling as Emma's. She may have grudgingly respected Emma after everything she saw her go through, but that didn't mean they were friends. "Scott and I were never divorced—and I don't plan to stay here forever."
That ignited a fury in the White Queen's eyes.
"Which brings me to the reason I brought you here." Jean continued before the other telepath could open her mouth with something scathing. Shooting a stern glare at each of the gathered women, she declared, "I do not want any of you getting any closer to my husband!" She caught the mad grin on Illyana's cheeks and she glared at her. "You especially."
"You are crazy!" Ironically, it was Wanda that exclaimed. It seemed the disoriented gypsy had finally regained her bearings. "The only thing I want to do with Cyclops is put him on trial for the murder of Charles Xavier!"
Jean rolled her eyes. "One could put up an argument that the event that lead to the professor's death was a direct consequence of your own action. Tell me, what was the result of your trial?"
"I redeemed myself!" Wanda defended. "I helped Hope let go of the Phoenix Force!"
"You helped her let go of the Phoenix Force?" Jean raised a brow and Wanda realized that it was silly of her to argue about the Phoenix Force against someone who actually had a history being bonded to it. "The Phoenix Force which only came in response to your spell. The Phoenix Force, which your group tried to destroy before realizing that Scott's choice to put his faith that the Phoenix wouldn't destroy Earth was the right one, and thus proceeded to follow it." Jean's voice grew more furious with each word. "The Phoenix Force who, because it had to correct your mistake, has now delayed my revival!"
A terse silence followed the irate Jean's outburst. Nobody, it seemed, wanted to say anything for fear of aggravating the—
"So it all boils back down to you, Jean?" Illyana asked with a grin.
Scratch that. Nobody except a gutsy demon that was no stranger to the ways of gods.
Emma would admit that Illyana's recklessness nearly killed her right then and there.
"Mrs. Summers." Jean growled. "And I-"
"Have explained why you brought us here. Which, again, boils back down to you." Illyana cut in, and Emma, Wanda, and Jeen couldn't decide whether to strangle or praise her. "Now that you've said your piece, allow me to say mine."
Jeen frantically looked around for cover. Wanda looked torn between morbid fascination at watching two irritants try to kill each other and looking for cover. Emma Frost, on the other hand…
"God help us all please smite Illyana before she kills us all."
She clasped her hands together and prayed. Such was desperation.
"Scott does not belong to you." Illyana explicitly stated. "Scott does not belong to anyone."
"What?" The space around Jean erupted into a furious Phoenix raptor.
"Oh fuck." Emma eloquently summed up their situation.
"If anyone," Illyana continued, undaunted by Jean's obvious fury. "You have the lowest claim on him."
"Be quiet!" Surprisingly, it was Wanda that hissed. It seemed the Scarlet Witch had figured out how deep their graves ran.
Took her long enough.
"Actually…I want to know what Ms. Rasputin meant." Jeen cut in meekly. She almost cowered at the glares both Wanda and Emma shot her, but her nerves managed to withstand the onslaught.
Illyana's grin widened. "Do you, now?"
"Y-yes…"
"Well, let it not be said that I am not a willing educator…"
"Illyana…" Emma resigned herself to a fiery fate. If she could just telepathically suture Illyana's mouth shut in this astral plane…!
"Let's not be too hasty…" Wanda tried to pacify the two and inwardly cursed. What was it with the mutants and their drama!
"Do you know why Jean gathered us, specifically, here?" Illyana had guts, that was for sure. The Queen of Limbo turned to the time-displaced psi, not even minding the burning glare her older and much more powerful counterpart bore into her back.
Jeen shook her head, and Illyana continued with the same slow and knowing tone, "It is because we are the latest possible mothers to Scott's children—proof quite literally dropping on our laps," Emma pinched the bridge of her nose—however helpful that was in the astral plane was up for debate—while Wanda grimaced at the reminder. "While you—well, older you—has not even sired one of his children."
"Shut up." Jean growled while Jeen's eyes widened in dawning realization.
"That's what it all boils down to, right?" Illyana finally turned back to the fiery redhead. There no longer was a leer on her face; only a smile, and one that reflect perfect lucidity. Illyana, for all her mischief, was far more perceptive than anyone might think. "It would seem that there doesn't exist a reality where you and Scott have your happy ending."
"Or it could be that none of my children are selfish enough to manipulate the time-stream!" Jean fired back hotly.
"For the record, my daughter hates me…" Wanda supplied in an attempt to defuse the tension before it exploded. She was promptly ignored.
"I am currently at odds with both Scott and Ruby." Emma attempted to wash her hands clean of the coming bloodbath. Not that she could, really; her former colleague's temper and obsession with her ex-boyfriend was legendary.
"But—but I—we have Rachel!" Jeen scrambled up a defense.
That was right, right? Jeen had managed to pick up stray thoughts when she was still in the Jean Grey School; Rachel Grey—Professor Grey—she was her and Scott's child, right?
"Not… not quite." The fire around Jean slowly flickered into an ember with her slow and painful admission. She vividly recalled all the hurt in Rachel's eyes whenever she rejected her.
But it was for good reason!
"What?" Jeen was confused. But Rachel was-!
"Rachel believes she is mine and Scott's daughter and, with her heritage, she has the ability to alter her biology to make it appear so." Jean cautiously explained. Rachel was a tricky mess, her heritage exponentially. It was why Jean had always been hesitant to label Rachel as her daughter.
"So…" Jeen palmed her forehead and staggered, trying with all her might to make sense of the information she was just fed. "Whose is she, then?"
"There is only one being with vast enough telepathic power to rival telepaths like Xavier, Mrs. Summers, and myself, and fine enough telekinesis to alter structures at the molecular level and even smaller." Emma tried to introduce.
This was a headache even now, months after she, Illyana, Scott, Namor, and Piotr had learned of the truth.
"Who is her mother!" Jeen growled. She hated how these grownups kept using roundabout ways to explain instead of diving straight to the point!
The embers around Jean suddenly grew in intensity before separating from her. Jeen and Wanda's eyes widened as the inferno swirled, burning brilliantly before seemingly condensing in one human-sized spot before, finally, it died down, revealing a fiery figure that had Jean's silhouette.
Belatedly, Jeen realized that neither Jean, Emma, nor Illyana seemed surprised at the apparent newcomer.
"I am." The figure spoke, sounding pleased. "Rachel is my child."
"That's not possible!" Wanda gasped when she recognized who it was she was speaking to. "You are-!"
"Fire and life incarnate." The fiery silhouette chirped. "I am Phoenix."
It would only take a whisper to knock Jeen and Wanda onto their rears with how perplexed they were; it was no wonder a moment later found them on their knees.
"That's not possible…" Wanda repeated softly, this time trying her best to convince herself rather than mount another futile argument.
Illyana watched with amusement as the Scarlet Witch chant her denial like a mantra.
"The Phoenix?" Jeen squeaked. She had heard and seen so many accounts, but to see it in person was a whole different matter entirely. "As in the Phoenix Force?"
"Yes." The child of the universe nodded.
"I-" What could Jeen say? This was it—it was her encounter with this being that would turn her life upside down...! Jeen sighed in defeat. "…how is Rachel your child?"
"The Phoenix…" Jean's brow knitted as she struggled to suppress a headache. Even now, she was still baffled by the realization. "The Phoenix is obsessed with Scott." Jean shuddered after her creepy admission. It was just wrong that this cosmic being was obsessed over her husband. She blamed herself, truthfully; if not for her love for Scott, the ever-curious Phoenix Force would never have been fascinated and then subsequently enamored by the reason why. "A part of it watches Scott as he sleeps."
"I do, too." Illyana admitted without shame.
"I knew it." Emma bobbed her head in satisfaction now that she had proof.
"I cannot bare his children." The Phoenix continued and Jeen shivered at its tone; was that regret? "The me of her reality used a piece of itself to create she who would be known as Rachel Ann Grey-Summers, and she would be raised by my love. Of course, Rachel does not know and never will with her vehement denial. She has deluded herself that Jean is her true mother." It sighed. "At least she got her father right."
"So all that time you were hosted by Rachel…" Emma trailed off.
"Mother-daughter bonding time." The Phoenix succinctly finished.
There was a short moment of silence as the gathered women comprehended all the information thus far.
"You are not ready for children." Jean stated firmly. "You are still a child by the universe's standards! And you!" Jean snapped towards the snickering Illyana. "What's so funny now?"
"You are." Illyana jeered before straightening herself. "Like I said, you truly seem to be at the bottom of Scott's dicking chain." Jean and Jeen flushed at Magik's colorful syntax. "Your clone bore Scott's child, your passenger—no offense—created a child for Scott, but you," Illyana clicked her tongue. "You've never had a child with him, have you? The closest any version of you seems to have managed was Nate, and even then, it does not count."
Jean ran a hand through her red hair in frustration. This was not how she planned to chew out these women. "That is why I want all of you to lay off Scott!"
"I don't plan to lay with him!" Wanda vehemently cried.
"I'm tempted to lay with him now just to spite you." Emma mused.
"I can ready him for you." Illyana grinned.
"A desperate virgin like you wouldn't even know how to spell penis." Emma rolled her eyes.
"Well," Illyana's grin widened. "Scott's was at the tip of my tongue last night."
At least, until Ruby cock-blocked her again.
Jeen looked a cross between confused and horrified at all these admissions. She also made a mental note to keep her Scott closer from now on.
"No!" Jean crossed her hands. "None of you will touch him! When I come back, none of you shall interfere with my plans!"
"Dare I even ask?" Emma shook her head and sighed. "I think I know…"
"I will ride Scott's one-eyed monster until both our hips break!" Jean declared loudly, a righteous and determined fire igniting her eyes. "I will squeeze every drop of baby batter from his balls until he will be pumping blood to water my fertile garden! The fruits of our labor will be glorious! And then I shall ride him again until the world itself breaks! No, until reality is rend!"
It was Jeen's turn to shake her head and mutter, "This isn't creepy at all."
Still, the idea was worth some more consideration.
"And you say I am mental." The Phoenix clicked its tongue.
"Can we please go now?" Wanda was already crying at this point.
"I will name my first son Jonathan Christopher Charles Grey-Summers! My first daughter shall be…"
The gathered collectively tuned her out.
"She isn't even listening anymore." Emma stated.
"Live this long without sexual contact and then we shall see how you react."
"But…?" Emma grinned knowingly.
The Phoenix actually snorted. "But yes, she cannot be stopped when she is like this."
"Oh you poor dear…" Emma cooed.
"It is not a problem. I learn many things from Jean Grey-Summers."
"…and then I shall do him while swimming in space! We'll share one spacesuit and make sweet, sweet fornication, our heated flesh rubbing against each other as I smother his lips with my kiss while he violently bucks his…"
"I see." Emma grimaced as all of Jean's pent up sexual frustration bled out. Her grimace deepened when she turned back to the firebird. "Are you taking notes?" The White Queen commented, to which the firebird simply nodded, and then did a double-take at Illyana. "You too!"
"I must admit, I had been wrong about Mrs. Summers." Now Illyana chose to show her respect. "She is a very knowledgeable woman."
"Spare me." Wanda cried. She wasn't even-!
"AH!" All eyes turned when Jeen suddenly exclaimed. They followed the time-displaced red-head's pointed finger and found a young but extremely familiar raven-haired mutant materialize in the astral plane. "Laura, what are you doing here?"
Laura Kinney observed the gathered women with her usual calculating eyes before coming out with the truth.
"I was told by Mindee, Phoebe, and Celeste that I must attend this assembly."
Jeen's heart sank with suspicion but still she had to ask, "Did they say why?"
Laura blinked. "Not explicitly. The younger Scott and I responded to a new mutant alert and found ourselves confronted by someone that claimed to be our child from the future."
Everyone winced as they actually heard the wheels in Jean's head grind to a screeching halt.
The White Hot Room exploded with the fury of a sexually-frustrated woman scorned.
"WHAT!"
Wanda was now curled into a ball and rocking herself in a corner.
It seemed she wouldn't be returning to the sanctity of sanity any time soon.
Omake: Hope & Tyke from the watchers (spinning off from the Kohlberg's Theory)
"I don't believe it! That redheaded, green-eyed skank is making cow eyes at Scott!" Jeen was beside herself with fury.
"I do not see the issue." Laura grunted, her fists clenching and unclenching rhythmically despite her words. Odd, she was starting to regret saving Hope from Bishop and Stryfe that time.
"It is because," Irma begins.
"Mr. Summers is attracted to redheads with stunning green eyes." Phoebe adds cheerfully.
"Or blonde-haired telepaths." Celeste folds her arms.
"Scott does not!" Jeen exclaimed. "While Scott may be attracted by looks, he falls in love with personality. Better personality." She concluded before muttering. "Like mine…"
Laura perked up at Jeen's vocal musing, and then glanced at the mirror.
"At least my eyes are green." Laura nodded to herself.
She resolved to shower Tyke with more hugs in the future.
A/N: Crack. Pure and utter, omake-style crack. In fact, this one actually started with just one joke—that penis-exchange between Emma and Illyana. Evidently, this got blown out of proportion. And to be honest? I was going to have either Abigail Brand or Tempus spout that line, but ballsy Magik is fun to write =w=
