A/N: Because, you know, superhero wedding cliches...


Honeymoon Holocaust


It was strange. One would think that after two past marriages and all the life-or-death struggles in-between, he'd learn to become graceful under pressure.

Scott Summers knew what to do, of course. Walk down the aisle without tripping and wait for her at the end—and, of course, pray that she didn't wizen up to how bad a life with him would be. Granted, she had beaten the self-deprecating idea out of him on more than one occasion—even going so far as to prove to him on multiple levels that he was the more-likely to die between the two of them should another apocalyptic Tuesday come 'round—but still, Scott could not stop the worry.

After all, he couldn't fully adjust in his first marriage and it ended with Madelyne's madness and subsequent haunting him from beyond the grave. His second ended with Jean dying in his arms before he could make up for his weakness.

Scott liked to think of himself as a competent analyst, and what he saw was a striking trend.

She bopped him hard on the head when, in an anxious episode, he asked if she was real and not some creation by Sinister or some similar such entity. He considered himself fortunate that she was an understanding woman—past the week-long snark and biting deadpan that followed, anyhow.

Placated on the issue of her identity and the twistedly romantic promise that he would die before she did, by her own hands if needed, Scott finally dropped down on one knee and she said 'yes'.

Flash-forward to the present, Scott continued to pace about the entrance to the garden. Everything leading up to this point was an incredibly quiet affair by the X-Men's standards.

His team took the proposal well, with Illyana simply breathing a slightly annoyed "It's about time!". The rest of the costumed community were also supportive— strange as that felt. Following all of that, their wedding preparations continued with uncannily smooth precision.

The occasional mutant-in-distress did come, but nothing beyond that transpired.

There were no bigots or racists out for blood.

There were no megalomaniacs out for more power.

There were no apocalyptic threats.

Hell, there was no time-traveling offspring from the future proclaiming doom!

The utter peacefulness in the days leading up to his third marriage created a very confused and anxious Scott Summers.

Something was going to happen, he was sure. Every cell in his body knew that something was amiss.

As if those thoughts were an incantation, blue light suddenly lit up from the center of the garden.

Scott's hand immediately flew up to his shades and he braced himself for whatever came. Paradoxically, he felt relief wash over him.

"Brooding again?"

Scott blinked behind his shades before sighing tiredly. "Nervous." He explained and, after regaining his composure, approached his guest with a warm smile. "I'm glad you could make it, Illyana."

The light died down and unveiled the smirking demon queen. "Time isn't an issue, Scott." She told him. "Now, these abominable heels I was sworn to wear…"

"Couldn't be much different from walking on hooves." Scott remarked while giving her an once-over. He did catch the odd term she used, but decided that maybe Kitty had something to do with it and so he opted against pursuing.

Illyana shrugged. "Hooves bludgeon. These? They're meant for stabbing, not walking."

Scott nodded in full agreement. "Well, I'd still like to thank you, Illyana." Illyana tilted her head questioningly, to which Scott continued smugly, "You've just earned me a hundred dollars."

"Oh?"

"Your brother was convinced you would wear the suit."

Illyana scoffed. "I'm your best woman. Of course I'd wear a dress." As if to display her full ensemble, the blonde twirled on the spot once before curtsying, gracefully, if somewhat mockingly.

"That's what I told Piotr, but…" He trailed with a shrug and offered her his hand. His next wedding was unorthodox, to say the least. When he and his bride sat down to assign roles for the wedding, they could not imagine a better-suited best person than Illyana.

"I'll have words about making presumptions with brother dearest, yet." She murmured while accepting his gesture, and Scott felt apprehensive at the promise in her tone.

"After today, alright?" Scott bargained.

The slighted blonde narrowed her eyes at the thrice-now-groom-to-be before sighing. "Alright. After today."

This was meant to be a joyous occasion, after all, and the last thing Illyana wanted was for her hulking brother to bawl after she was through with him.

Scott nodded, happy that Illyana was a reasonable woman. "That dress looks good on you." He said, switching topics. "I didn't know you had such a thing."

Illyana chuckled, easily seeing through the compliment. "You mean, you didn't think I possessed such fashion." She translated, withdrawing her hand from his grasp so that she could point at him teasingly.

Scott's cheeks flushed in embarrassment at having been caught. "Guilty." He admitted, knowing better than to lie to this demoness. "But you really do look good."

The smirk on Illyana's lips flattened and the mischief in her cool blue orbs dimmed when she beheld the groom once more. "Are you alright, Scott?"

Seeing her concern, Scott scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Yes. Somewhat…" He pocketed his hands. "It's… it's been a wonderful several weeks."

Illyana nodded to that. "I know."

"If only things could continue like this." Scott murmured wistfully. "It would be… wonderful."

"Yes. Yes it would." The younger mutant agreed—in a tone that seemed, to Scott, venomous.

The groom paused in his steps and turned to his companion. "Is something wrong, Illyana?"

"Sorry." Illyana shook her head. "Just tired."

"Oh." Scott paused against, his sharp mind quickly trying to interpret that statement.

Seeing the opportunity, Illyana cleared her throat. "Scott… don't get used to it."

Scott tilted his head. "It?"

Illyana frowned and gestured to the garden around them. "This peacefulness won't last beyond your wedding."

Scott's heart nearly stopped as realization nabbed him in the gut. It sounded impossible—improbable, but with her power and skill and cunning…! "Illyana… what did you do?"

The accused raised both her hands in the air, like a criminal confronted by a cop, and flashed him an easy smile. "Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day?" When Scott's face turned white from her confirmation, the devilish mutant's smirk widened. "You did? Good. If it makes you feel any better, what I did, I didn't do alone."

"I… I need a second." Scott staggered, his concerned companion quickly appearing by his side to help him sit slowly down on a nearby bench.

Illyana, in a show of strength, remained standing before him when she pulled back. She truly did enjoy moments like this—when she toppled giants. She waited for her leader with a smirk plastered on her face.

"I…" Scott began after he finally regained his bearings. "I suppose I should thank you… you and your team."

Illyana nodded in acceptance of his gratitude. "It was surprisingly easy to find volunteers."

Scott swallowed in an attempt to wet his suddenly parched throat. "Was anyone killed?"

"Only those that weren't smart enough." Illyana admitted without any shame. At the sharp look he gave her, Illyana decided to add, "But not by me, no. Torture, yes, but I don't find any pleasure when the damned stop screaming."

"I should be disgusted," Scott said, "or at least afraid. But you know what? I just don't care." It was too perfect a day to think through this headache. "I'm pretty sure whatever I say won't get through you, right?"

"I'm a grown woman, Scott." Illyana mocked the former teacher. "I can make big girl decisions."

"Can I ask who else you roped into your crusade?"

Once more proving that she could do the impossible, Illyana's wide grin widened even more. "Let's just say that I've acquired an appreciation for a game of chess."

For the second time that morning, Scott's face blanched. "You what? Them?!"

"Not all of them." Illyana shook her head. "Black and Red, to name a few women."

Scott palmed his face. "Dare I ask how you convinced those two? My first wife, especially?"

"With the promise of food for Selene, and the truth for Maddie." Illyana explained. Scott couldn't help but inwardly cringe at the affectionate tone Illyana addressed them. "They're both pleasant women to speak with when you get past all the psychoses."

"I'm sure." Scott dryly remarked before narrowing in on what Illyana said about the mother of his child and clone of his second wife... 'God,' Scott thought, 'how did I live through this insanity?' "What did you mean by the truth?"

Scott had a feeling he wouldn't like the next statement to come out of his companion's mouth when Illyana gazed at him patronizingly.

"That no matter who takes your name, you will always belong to us." Illyana explained like a mother would to her brain-damaged child. "I did also promise that they can attend your wedding..."

"Oh dear god." Scott grimaced and made preparations for his grave.

"They will be pleasant." Illyana reassured him. "They're all good girls."

Scott shot her a blank look. "I can't help but notice you used the plural form. Did you form a Sisterhood?"

Illyana chuckled at his astuteness. She expected nothing less from this man. "Sisterhood? We prefer the name… X-Force."

Scott pondered the pros and cons of Illyana's decision, and whether or not he should condemn the well-meaning mutant's actions. Eventually, Scott decided to forget the whole thing. Not just because pursuing this matter further would require a year's supply of painkillers, and not just because today was, as he reminded himself, a joyous occasion, but also because, when it came down to it, he still trusted Illyana Rasputin.

The realization was cathartic to the previously panicking groom. With a warm smile on his lips, Scott shook his head and stood up. "You truly are my best woman." He commented, gazing down at the mischievous blonde with utmost admiration.

It was amazing how much she had grown since he first met her.

Illyana smirked. "You ain't never had a friend like me." She quoted and extended her arm towards him. "Now, let's get you inside and start this wedding before your bride develops the common sense to run away."

Scott gave her a manly pout.

"Now you're just being mean."


Omake 1: Out of Character!

"Would you believe me that Rachel was our telepath? Or that Hope volunteered to be on the field team? And that Emma did all the weight lifting?"

Scott shook his head in disbelief. "I'd say the world ended while I was sleeping."

"Oh it did." Illyana pointed out. "Twice."

"I—I see."

"I didn't do this for free, of course."

"…what are your demands?"

"There was one woman I couldn't convince despite my best efforts." Illyana stated. "She was to fulfill an important role in my team."

"Dare I ask who and for what?"

"You can." Illyana bluntly answered his rhetoric. "I wanted Ruby because, as you well know, every index team needs the chick or, in my case, its counterpart." She sniffed in dismay. "There's just too much estrogen where I work."

Scott turned his gaze upwards and shed a silent tear.

He was glad to be born a man.

-0-0-0-

Omake 2:

"This is about Kitty freaking out and cutting her honeymoon short because Magik sent pictures of herself and Scott in Vegas, isn't it?"

- FluffyCyclopsRLZ

Not even the vacuum of space could drown the universe-shattering cry of one slighted Katherine Pryde-Quill.

"DAMN YOU SUMMERS!"

"What is it now, dear?" The man known as Star-lord asked his new wife.

"Illyana sent me pictures of herself and Scott in Vegas!" Kitty screamed.

"Let me see." Peter said and scooted closer to the brunette and her cellphone. The first picture he saw was one of the two mutants in question posing before a movie poster showing Avengers: Age of Ultron. "I don't see the problem."

"Of course you don't." Kitty spat. "They're going to a movie house! Everybody knows what goes on in a movie house!"

"They're gonna watch a movie with a full crowd?" Peter hazarded a guess.

"No! They'll—those two are going to do—you know, naughty things." Kitty appeared to lose fire towards the end but, instead, gained a blush. "A-anyway! Look at the next one!"

Peter swiped across the screen and analyzed the next picture. In it, Scott and Illyana were dressed conservatively as a priest and a nun. Surrounding them were more people dressed up in various costumes, some of which he could identify while others he had no clue. "Oh. Is this that cosplay-thing that's all-the-rage in Earth?"

"Yes! And I can't believe those two would be so obvious!"

"…you lost me."

Kitty glared at her husband. "It's quite clear they're planning on getting married!" She exclaimed. "The only way they could be any more obvious is if Scott was wearing a Slave Leia outfit!"

Peter cringed at the image his mind conjured. "Not a good picture, Katherine, and don't you mean Illyana?"

"No." Kitty shook her head adamantly. "Submissive doesn't suit her."

He swiped the screen again and cringed when his wife screeched.

"They're sleeping in the same room?!"

Peter swiftly tried to placate his exploding wife. "There are two separate beds, dear."

"I can't believe they're sleeping in the same room!" Kitty continued her tired, ignoring her husband. "That's it! Peter, you will ready the transporter while I get changed! We are heading to Vegas before my best friend commits the greatest mistake of her life!"

"But dear-! We're in the middle of our honeymoon-"

The door slid shut.

Left alone on the bed, Peter Quill raised his head up towards…well, the heavens. "Yup. Should've realized the X-Men were crazy, but no, I just had to propose..."


A/N: Was lurking in the Batman corner of the CBR forum when the term "Honeymoon Holocaust" was thrown. This was conceived after much chuckles later.

Cyke's next wife was written ambiguously since she's not the point of this parody. She could be Emma. She could be Lady Thor. Hell, she could be the Phoenix and the Void. Whoever she is, she still don't matter in the presence of Magik's awesome.

…I want to finish that DC fanfic I was writing, but thanks to FFNet's bot, I fear that'll never happen. Le sigh

Couple of notes:

- Bastardized the "Scott is a brain-damaged mutt"-thing from Darth Fluffy. It's incredibly apt and so I couldn't resist adding it in that line.

- Bless TVTropes for Omake 1.

- While writing Omake 2, I totes had the image of Kitty being the Hibiki Ryoga to Scott's Saotome Ranma. Huehuehuehue~