Chapter 37

Having nothing to do as he waited to be picked up to be taken to the other hospital, Nikolo just lay on his bed, thinking. His mind had mostly circled on two separate subjects since he learned where he'd end up: how long it'd take until he got out and what had happened to Herbert. Both were painful things to think about, though for entirely different reasons.

Was Herbert still on the run? If he had been caught, there was no question he'd be executed.

"But if he was caught, someone would probably come to rub it to my face… right?" he thought, mainly thinking of Richter. He supposed that, since it had been around a week with no news of Herbert getting caught, the man had either gotten far enough that the military wasn't looking for him from the right places, or that he had managed to go in to hiding "Or died somewhere from blood loss and they simply can't find his body."

Nikolo shook his head; he mustn't think like that! It didn't do him any good. He had to consider Herbert to be fine, and he would until he was told otherwise. No news was good news, at least in this case.

"Would Helmut be fine too if I had done something differently?" he'd asked himself this many times already, and while there was no way to know for sure if the man would've survived without him interfering or not, by now he was sure that he would've certainly lived longer if Nikolo had just done as the Eldian had asked and walked away. But what kind of life would've he have lived in those extra moments? Running away in fear, unable to return home, perhaps unable to reunite with his brother or any of his friends, only to get killed in the end? If that were the case, he wouldn't need to feel so guilty, but if it wasn't-

"It's my fault, no matter how I look at it" he thought, and tears started to gather in his eyes. He'd forced himself to keep them at bay so many times, but he couldn't anymore. And he no longer cared to do so, either. How could it even make things worse at this point? He had disappointed his family; he had been fired and was on his way to a mental hospital. He had gotten one of his friends killed, one of his Eldian friends. How could he ever look Sasha in the eye after that?

That realization was all it took for the dam to break and tears to start falling from his eyes.

He'd ruined everything.

XXXXX

"Alright, what do you have to say for yourselves?" Jean asked as he sternly stared down two younger scouts standing at attention right in front of him and Sasha, who did her best to look like a disappointed superior officer as well. As long as she kept her mouth shut, she should be able to pull it off just as well as Jean.

"We acted out of self-defense, sir!" the blond boy, Stefan, if Sasha remembered correctly, says.

"Self-defense?" Jean repeated, not pleased "From what I heard, it was you who landed the first punch."

The boy looked ashamed for a small moment, but continued defending himself: "Yes, sir, but I was heavily provoked by the Marleyan I punched. He was insulting not only me, but our entire military and country."

"And that was enough of a reason to punch him?" Jean asks, and continues before the boy can answer: "That was enough of a reason to use violence that could have escalated to a fight between our people and theirs?"

"N-no, sir, but- "

"Exactly, it wasn't" Jean interrupted. Then, he turned to the other boy "You work in pairs for a good reason. Why didn't you stop your partner?"

The brunet pales at the sudden attention directed at him, not that he wasn't pale from the beginning, Sasha notes, before he says: "I-I didn't expect him to actually throw a punch. It happened too fast, sir!"

Sasha actually pities the young man, Hans she thinks his name was, but knowing how serious the situation is and how much more serious it could be, she lets Jean intimidate the younger scouts as much as he sees as necessary, trying to give off intimidating air herself while she's at it.

"And the brawl he got in to with the Marleyan soldier also happened too fast for you to interfere?" Jean asks "Even though Sasha and I managed to run over there and put a stop to it? Do we run faster than you can lift a finger?"

The scout looks down in shame.

"No, sir, I…" he's not on the verge of crying, is he? "I didn't want to make the situation any worse, so I didn't know what to do. I was afraid of causing even more trouble."

Jean sighs.

"Fair enough" he mutters, and to Sasha he sounds tired. But his voice is again as firm as ever when he continues: "The commander and I will clear this up with the Marleyans, but I assure you, there will be consequences for you for this later. Dismissed."

The two boys saluted before hurrying away.

"So, what do you plan to do with those two?" Sasha asks after a moment.

"Don't know yet" Jean says with a sigh "Honestly, part of me just wants to hand them over to the captain and forget about it, but I think that'd go too far."

Sasha laughs nervously.

"Yeah" she agreed. By the time they were that age, they were under the captain's direct command and had gotten used to his way of doing things, but she supposed that getting a punishment directly from the captain would be a bit too much for the two fresh scouts. If they were unlucky, Levi might even scare them so badly that they'd do their all to get moved to the Garrison. They couldn't let that happen; while the death toll of scouts was nothing like it used to be, they were still short on manpower. That in mind, Sasha blurted out without much thinking: "How about I deal with them?"

"You?" Jean repeats "Ordering others around officially isn't really your forte. Are you sure that you can come up with something harsh enough but still reasonable that'll get the message across?"

Sasha hesitates; Jean makes punishing a pair of youngsters' sounds hard. But really, how difficult could it be? She had plenty of experience being the one getting punished, so she had lots of reference material, courtesy of mostly Shadis and Levi, but also Mikasa and Armin. She got this.

"Don't worry; I know what I'm doing" she assures him "Just leave them to me!"

Jean still doesn't look convinced, but even so, he eventually shrugs.

"Fine" he says "Just make sure that whatever you decide to do with them doesn't give me even more work to do."

"Yes, sir" Sasha salutes, and Jean rolls his eyes.

Now, how should she punish one short tempered and one easily freezing up brat?

"…I'm starting to think like the captain"

Was she getting old?

XXXXX

Nikolo hadn't really given a thought to what a room in a mental hospital would look like, but when he got his room, he didn't feel surprised. A bed, small drawer and a desk with a chair. A toilet and a sink behind another wall that separated them from the rest of the room. A window, one without bars, but this was the third floor. He'd seen bars on first floor windows when he'd come.

He'd already changed in to hospital garments, being told that there were a few sets of change of clothes in the drawer when he needed them. But that was it; there was nothing else in the room. What was he supposed to do now?

Nikolo sat on the bed, soon ending up laying down. He took a deep breath.

So, here he was, stuck in a nuthouse. He'd been stuck in bad and worse places before too though, so he'd pull through this too, he was sure.

And maybe there was something good about this, a small silver lining. If he knew the system at all, which he was confident he did, they'd mostly keep him away from other patients for a while to keep him from spreading ideas. That could work to his advantage; he'd have more time to think things through, and there would be less chances to stuck his foot in to his mouth and dig himself in to an even bigger hole… again. He couldn't afford that; he had to play things smart to get out of here as soon as possible.

"But being too impatient is no good; I mustn't be too hasty" Nikolo reminded himself. As much as he wanted to make things right for Helmut, to fix this system, he knew he had no such power. He'd known all along, of course, but his feelings had gotten the better of him, and that had landed him here. He felt bad about the idea of not even trying to do anything for his dead friend, but… he'd already tried. Tried, failed and hurt himself in the process. Now, he had to help himself. Maybe later, he could still help someone else, at least individual people if he couldn't do anything about the system.

"One thing at a time, Nikolo" he told himself. Having nothing else to do, he might just as well try to plan something up.

Where should he start? Where could he start?

"First, I need to convince them that this isn't the kind of place I should be in… wait no, they already know that, I'm sure. I'm stuck here because they wanted me out of the way. But how many people besides my former superiors know the truth? Do the doctors and nurses here know? …No way. I don't know how many there are, but they can't all be in on it. In fact, it's probably just the director and a few doctors, if even that. If I can convince enough staff that I'm fine, they'll have no choice but to let me out of here." Of course, there was a chance he'd just end up somewhere else where they could keep him out of the way for sure, like jail for attacking a superior officer. He'd done that back at the hospital after all. "But maybe the time I spend here, it's not like I can get out in a day or two, will cover that and they can't use the attack as a reason to detain me. I just need to make sure not to attack anyone else again."

That shouldn't be too difficult; he doubted anyone here would provoke him on purpose… and if someone did, if someone had been specifically ordered to do that, Nikolo would now be ready for it; he wouldn't be caught off guard again. He wouldn't be fooled again.

"They might arrange an "accident" to make sure I don't bring them trouble, though" Nikolo shuddered at his own thoughts. Maybe he was crazy, just a little bit "Alright, maybe not. Surely one Eldian sympathizer, as they put it, wouldn't be worth the trouble."

If he was actually someone with a lot of influence, that'd be another story, he was sure. But then again, were he someone like that, he probably would've had the ways to avoid getting stuck in here in the first place.

Suddenly, there's a knock on the door, much to Nikolo's surprise, but whoever is there doesn't wait for permission before opening the, of course, locked door. Guess it was their idea of manners.

Sitting up, he sees a doctor come in, the same one he'd been introduced to when he got here, and a nurse behind him, carrying a tray. He supposed it was dinner time.

"Speaking of time, there's no clock here" Nikolo realized "Is there a reason for that?"

"How are you feeling?" the doctor asks.

"Fine" he says immediately "A little tired maybe, but other than that, I'm fine."

The sooner he convinces them that he's fine completely, the better, so he might just as well start now.

"Good to hear" the doctor says, gesturing to the nurse to take the tray to the small table "You'll be joining the others for meals eventually, but due to what we know of your condition, we've concluded that for now it is better for everyone that you keep contact with other patients to a minimum."

Nikolo had expected that, but getting it told so boldly to his face was a surprise. Was the doctor trying to rile him up?

"No, not necessarily. He might simply be waiting to see my reaction for medical purposes" he thinks "Good luck with that."

"I understand" he simply says, hoping that his face is now the blank mask he thinks it is.

"Excellent" the doctor says "We'll let you get settled today, so you'll have your first appointment tomorrow. Make sure to take your medicine, though."

"Medicine?" Nikolo couldn't help but repeat. Of course, it made sense; this was a hospital after all, even if not the type he was used to. But he wasn't exactly sick; he didn't need medicine "…I don't think that's necessary."

The doctor gave him a hard to read -look, but it wasn't exactly a hostile one.

"Most say that when they come here. The ones able to communicate, that is" he says "Though you're less aggressive than most. That's a good sign."

"But I take that it's not good enough of a sign to let me go without the meds?" Nikolo asks, eyebrow raised as he wonders if they'd force the drugs down his throat if he refused to take them.

"Correct" the doctor answers. As if reading his mind, the man adds: "But you're not in a bad enough of a condition that it would be justified of us to physically force you to take them."

Well, that was good.

"I strongly recommend that you take them, though" he continues, smiling "Admitting that you're unwell is the first step to recovery."

Nikolo had definitely heard that one before, and normally he'd agree, but his situation was… well, it was not like that.

"Getting the doctor on my side would certainly be helpful" he knows, glancing at the tray with the small plastic cup that holds a few pills "But I don't know what's in those; what if they end up making things worse for me?"

He was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Just which was worse, the doctor's distrust or possible consequences of taking pills he didn't need?

"Well, they are medicine, so they can't be that dangerous" Nikolo reasoned, making up his mind. If he took whatever he was given a few times without complaints, the doctor would eventually trust him enough to let him take them without supervision. Then, he could just flush the meds down the toilet.

Taking the few needed steps over to the table, he took the cup and chucked the pills in it to his mouth before taking a class of water from the tray, washing them down with it.

"Satisfied?" he asked the doctor.

"Very much so" the doctor replied "It seems we'll be getting along just fine."

Nikolo sure hoped that; things would certainly be easier for him if this doctor wasn't scheming with the military.

"We'll leave you to your dinner now, but I'll see you tomorrow" the doctor said "Have a good rest."

"Thank you, sir. I will" Nikolo said. Once the doctor and the nurse were gone, he briefly considered making himself throw up what was left of the pills, but decided against it. They were the kind that melted fast; the chances that he'd get them out properly were low. Plus, someone might hear him and realize what he was doing. He didn't need the extra trouble.

Concluding that it would do harm, Nikolo turned his attention to his meal. It didn't look like much, but better than he expected.

"Beats the food they serve in prison, I'm sure" he snorted.

XXXXX

"You two call that running?!" Sasha yelled as she ran backwards, or more like jogged, at least that's what it felt like, in front of two young counts she'd promised Jean she'd punish "I ran faster than that on my first day of training!"

She wasn't sure if that was true or not, but these boys didn't need to know that. Besides, making them run like this was just the beginning; it was her way of buying time to figure out how to actually punish them. Sure, Shadis had the habit of using running as a punishment, but she felt like that was too easy for actual, graduated soldiers, especially after what these two had done. Or well, more like what one of them did and what one of them didn't do, but still.

"C'mon, speed up!" she commanded, doing so herself as she did. Neither of the two protested and just followed her orders, but they looked like they wanted to complain. Sasha couldn't blame them. She hadn't said how many laps or how long the two needed to run, and she was glad she hadn't, for that meant that the time limit of when she had to have come up with a punishment wasn't until one of the two collapsed, and she figured that'd take at least a few hours. It'd be a little cruel to wait until then though "Or would it actually be better that way and work as a way to intimidate?"

Maybe. No. Yes. Yes, it was. She'd make them run until one of them collapsed, unless she was called away for something first, though she doubted that'd happen. And she definitely wasn't concerned about collapsing before them herself; she had more stamina than these kids, she was sure.

"Now what should I do with them…?" she wondered once more. She could exhaust them physically with extra training, which was what she was doing right now to buy time, or humiliate them by having them go through some of the cleaning duties Levi had drilled to her and the entire squad's heads, but she felt like neither would serve the purpose properly. Sure, they'd probably be more careful in the future, but it'd be to avoid punishment, not because they actually understood the risks behind their actions. And making them understand would be the best way to assure it didn't happen again.

"Maybe, instead of an actual punishment, they just need a good lecture?" the problem behind that was that she wasn't good at talking; it was Armin's forte, always had been. And the blond wasn't there "Onyankopon would do, too; he saw his own home country suffer due to losing to Marley; he'd surely be able to give some insight."

But he wasn't present, either.

"Even Nikolo would do; he could tell what it was like to be in enemy territory when there was a war" Sasha thought, grimacing as she realized in which direction her thoughts had waltzed off to, but it was too late to have regrets. She wouldn't get him out of her head for the rest of the day now "Great, just great."

She knew that while Nikolo had been fine when he left, the road to that hadn't been easy after he finally got out of prison. He'd tried to hide it at all turns, but it had slowly become clear to Sasha that he wasn't okay.

Flashback

Nikolo was jumpy. Not that he hadn't been before, but his jumpiness and nervousness got toned down as time went by. But now he was finally out of his cell, had been for a few months now, and Sasha knew for a fact that despite what the man said, he was not okay. She had to do something about it. She was bad at talking, but it had to be her, she was sure, for Nikolo to open up. If she got him to relax some more, then maybe she could ask some better talker, mainly Armin but perhaps Jean, too, to talk to him.

But for now, it was up to her.

"Nikolo?" she called from the table right behind him that she was sitting at. He knew she was there, of course. He'd ushered her there after getting too annoyed with her constantly hovering over his shoulder to see what he was doing.

"Yeah?" he looks over his shoulder "The cookies aren't ready you know; they aren't even in the oven yet."

Sasha pouts. Why was that the first thing he thought of when she wanted his attention? Besides, she could see that they weren't ready yet perfectly well from where she sat!

"I know that" she says "It's just… um…"

Now Nikolo turns to look at her properly, seeming curious of what she has to say.

"Are you okay?" she blurts out, but when Nikolo just gave her a confused look, she knew that she should be more precise "I mean, you've been kinda jumpy lately, sometimes even more so than you were when you first got here, so… you wanna talk about it?"

Nikolo stares for a moment, then turns back to his baking before his face can give anything away.

"No thanks" he says, and Sasha knows he's lying when he adds: "I'm fine."

"No, you're not" she calls him out on it, and she can see Nikolo tense. It might be wiser to drop it, but she can't bring herself to do it "If there's something I can do to help- "

"You and the guys got me off death penalty; that's more than enough" Nikolo cuts her off, still not looking at her "I'm fine; I just need a little more time to get used to life again."

Sasha didn't know what to say to that. He might have been telling the truth, or at least what he thought was the truth, but…

"Really Sasha, I'm fine" he insists, but she's not convinced. But it's not like she knows what to say.

"Okay" she reluctantly agrees "But if you need to talk, I'm here for you, okay?"

"…Okay"

Flashback

"In the end, me not insisting more at the time resulted with Jean getting hurt later" Sasha remembers "Had I pressed more and been a better speaker, maybe that could've been avoided."

She didn't want to make the same mistake twice. She wanted to drive her point across on the first try this time.

"No slowing down!" she snaps as she notices Hans falling behind a little. Oh well, she was the superior here "One foot in front of the other, go go go!"

Seeing their shocked faces, yes, both of them were shocked, was admittedly a little amusing to Sasha. No wonder Shadis liked ordering the cadets around so much.

"Yikes, I better watch out that I don't turn in to Shadis 02!"

XXXXX

Nikolo sat at the back of his cell, head resting against the wall, eyes closed. It's not like he was sleeping, but there was nothing to do and the only light came in from a torch outside of his cell, so even if there was, he couldn't really see that well. His hearing, however, was better than ever as every sound echoed in the silence around him. That's why he could immediately hear when the nearest door, not counting the one to his cell, opened. Opening his eyes, he could not yet see a sign of anyone, but he heard the footsteps clearly. At least two people, possibly three or even four, were coming. Not a meal time, then, and that made Nikolo curious. During the four days he'd been here, no one had visited him expect to bring him his meals. Perhaps this change in routine meant that something regarding his fate had now been decided?

He sat up straighter, hoping that his nervousness wasn't readable on his face.

When he saw that it was three MPs and not anyone he knew, Nikolo hoped so even more.

"Wait, I think I saw one of them at the restaurant once or twice" he realizes "Guess he didn't drink the wine… or he was too far during its activation."

"The tables have turned, haven't they, poison brewer?" Nikolo's smart enough to not point out that, as a war prisoner, he's been in an unfavorable position from the beginning "Not so cocky anymore, are you?"

Again, he doesn't point out that he hadn't actually been all that cocky in years. Besides, doing so would make him cocky.

"Aren't you going to say something, Marleyan?"

"I have nothing to say" the three already looked angry, partly due to his lack or reaction, he was sure, so he didn't want to anger them even more. That in mind, he quickly added: "Sir."

One of them actually lets out a laugh at that.

"Think sucking up to us now is going to help you?" he asks as he unlocks the door. Nikolo almost stands up to leave his cell, but decides to stay seated at the last second. He had not been ordered to stand up or come out, so it was safest to wait until they did so "Fat chance."

It seemed to be the right choice as the three MPs entered his cell.

He had a bad feeling about this.

That feeling only intensified when, instead of being ordered to come out, all three soldiers came inside of his cell. It didn't take a genius to figure out what would happen next, but even so, Nikolo didn't react fast enough to avoid the strong kick to his side. Not that reacting would've done much good; there was nowhere to run and not really even enough space to properly dodge.

He let out a gasp of pain, but at least he didn't scream. Nikolo steadied himself, one hand going to his now throbbing side. He could stand up if he tried, but he figured that falling from this height would hurt less. And more damage was to come; he highly doubted all three of them would've come here if that wasn't the case.

And he was right; they all liked to kick him around. He knew better than to answer the taunts they threw at him while at it, but he did his best to shield his head from their kicks. Not that it worked for long and after one particularly hard kick to his head, Nikolo's mind went black.

The former POW wakes up with a jolt, sitting up in his bed. It takes him a few moments to understand where he is, but once he does, his rapidly beating heart starts to calm down.

"Shit…" Nikolo lays back down with his arm covering his eyes. It's his first night locked up here, and he's already having nightmares?

"Well, at least it wasn't of one of the worst beatings" he thinks, still convinced that he got off easy the first time only because he passed out so fast and the MPs panicked. He wasn't as lucky every time.

"It's just the nerves; I'll get used to this place soon enough" he assures himself, taking a deep breath. He'd probably have nightmares the first two or three nights, a week if he was unlucky, but after that, he'd be fine, only having some occasionally like he'd had before getting in to this mess. He'd be fine.

"Time to count the sheep."

A.N: I'd like to point out that my knowledge on mental hospitals is based on fiction and documents, the later also being from different countries and years, so if it seems like something is seriously off, sorry about that. I don't want to offend anyone who has first hand experience of such places, but if my lack of knowledge causes that, I'm sorry.