Chapter 39

It had been a week since Thomas and Jonas visited and, on that very same day, the nurse had for the first time left right after bringing Nikolo dinner, meaning that she wasn't around to watch him take his pills. So, what had the man done?

Flushed the pills down the toilet, obviously.

Lowering the amount he took little by little might've caused less side effects, but as he didn't know which pill was supposed to do what, he just stopped taking all of them at once, thinking that it couldn't be all that bad since he hadn't been taking them that long. So far, he was doing fine, though after the first day without meds, he'd had trouble falling asleep and he'd woken up several times during the night. Withdrawal effects, probably. Or maybe the nerves from thinking about possible withdrawal effects. The doctor had noticed his tiredness, but he'd lied it was due to some nightmares. It was not ideal to have to tell that lie, but it was a lesser evil than the truth.

Another change had also occurred to his routines on the very same day: he had been allowed to spend time outside his room with the other patients. It was only from his morning session with the doctor until lunch, which meant one to three hours, depending on the day, but it was a start. He'd been told he'd have more time to spend outside his room eventually, from after breakfast until dinner if he so wished, like everyone else. And apparently, there'd also be group sessions.

Nikolo wasn't too sure what to think of that. He wasn't all that worried about letting something unnecessary slip; he just had to practice the same caution he did when talking with the doctor, and he'd be alright on that end. It was the idea of listening to others that bothered him. While there was a chance that one or two people here were like him, sent here for standing up to Eldians or, more likely, clearly going against the current system in some other way, most people here were certainly more or less crazy. He didn't know the others all that well yet, but he had already figured who the biggest nutcases were… Out of those who were allowed to mingle with others, that is. He knew there were some who were considered too dangerous to let be with others, some for their own safety, some for others. Though perhaps they weren't so bad; after all, he had been isolated for quite a while too for his "dangerous ideologies" or something like that.

Today, he was allowed to have a visitor for the second time. It was his little sister Natalie, much to his surprise. They talk about everyday things, neither bringing up Nikolo's situation. He's not sure if Natalie doesn't do so because it'd make her uncomfortable, or because she fears it'd do so to him. He's fine staying off that topic though; he doesn't want to worry his sister any more than he already surely has.

"And then Ingrid- "Natalie stopped midsentence, making Nikolo raise an eyebrow "What's wrong?"

She frowns, asking: "…Are you okay?"

"Yeah…?" Nikolo answers, confused "Why?"

Her eyes glide down to Nikolo's hands, which are casually resting on his knees.

"Your hand is shaking"

Nikolo blinks, looking down at his hands, seeing that the right one is indeed shaking. Startled that he hadn't even noticed, he holds it down with his left, not daring to let go for a while as he fears that the shaking hasn't stopped.

Neither of them says anything. In Nikolo's part, it's because he doesn't know if he should pretend it didn't happen or if he should just say that it's a side effect from the medicine he takes. Which would make Natalie worry less…?

"Should I go get a nurse?" she asks, already standing up "Or a doctor?"

"No no, I'm fine" Nikolo hurries to say, letting go of his hand. Fortunately, it had stopped shaking "This happens sometimes; the doctor says that some people get such a side effect from a particular medicine."

Natalie's eyes widen, and it occurs to Nikolo that she may not have even realized that they made him eat pills. Great.

"Oh, right… medicine…" she mumbles, sitting back on Nikolo's desk chair.

"Yeah; the doctor said it'll stop, eventually" Nikolo filled in his lie, hoping that it really would. He was glad that this happened in front of Natalie and not the doctor; now, he'd know to keep his eyes open in case it happened again "So don't worry about it."

Nikolo wasn't entirely sure if he had convinced her or not but, at the very least, Natalie changed the subject after that. He supposed he was safe for now.

XXXXX

"It's weird to say this, but I gotta hand it to you, Sasha" Jean says as he sits down across from her at dinner, getting her and Samuel's attention "Since their return from whatever trip you took them on, Stefan and Hans have been the most hardworking new recruits I've seen in years."

Sasha smiles, glad that her message had gotten through that well, but it falls as Samuel says: "You must've given them quite a scare."

…Had she? Were they now desperately trying not to cause trouble, to keep everything working so that another war wouldn't start out? What if they had nightmares about it now or trouble sleeping because of it? What if the possibility of war was now all either of them could think about!?

"Argh, I messed up, didn't I?" she says, banging her head on the table, narrowly missing her plate "I'm no good at this after all!"

"Don't take what Samuel says too seriously" Jean says, and as Sasha looks up, she sees him glaring at the other man "Those two didn't seem scared to me, just determined."

"You sure?" Sasha's not all that convinced.

Jean shrugs.

"Of course, I can't be completely sure, but that's what it looked like to me" he said "Whatever you said or did worked."

"What did you do?" Samuel asks. When he had asked earlier, Sasha had just said she'd made them understand the horrors of war a little better. He hadn't pushed further than that, but now he was obviously interested.

"Just talked to them about everything that has happened in more detail than what is public knowledge" she says. When Jean raises an eyebrow, she adds: "…And I kinda introduced Connie's mom to them."

Jean chokes, but Samuel just stares at her, confused, before it finally dawns on him "Ah… wasn't that dangerous?"

"Not really" Sasha shrugs "Mrs. Springer hasn't moved in years, and even if she did so at some point by some miracle, the chances of being there at that particular moment are almost nonexistent. Plus, we kept a safe distance. Really, the biggest threat was to her life if one of those two actually thought to kill her on the spot without thinking it through, but I considered that to be very unlikely since we didn't have the gear or swords. And even if one of them had tried, without the equipment they would've been doomed to fail anyway."

Samuel whistles.

"You actually thought it all through, huh"

Sasha smiles proudly, but her happiness is quick lived when Jean says: "For the most part."

The man takes a gulp of his drink before explaining: "Had one of them attacked, they probably wouldn't have made any harm, as you said. But what if one of them had gone too close before you could stop them and gotten a limb bitten off? She can move a little bit, after all. Were they really unlucky, they could have even lost their heads."

Silence.

"…Okay, so I really didn't think this through enough" Sasha admitted, looking down.

"No, but you got close" Jean smiles wryly "Honestly, with how many years it's been, it's no wonder that even us veterans start to forget how dangerous pure titans can be."

"Well, it's not like we really need to fear them anymore" Sasha frowns in thought "…Unless another war breaks out and Marley decides to send armies of titan turned Eldians after us."

"How could they pull that off, though?" Samuel asks "We'd just push them back before they could invade with the ones they want to turn in to titans."

"Guess you're right" Sasha smiles "So, no such a problem?"

"I wouldn't count on that" Jean says "No matter what the cadets, and the MPs, say, instructor Shadis is smart to keep up the traditional training, too. We don't know what the future will bring."

Ever the realist, that Jean.

"Well, if another war does break out, we do have the rumbling to save us" Samuel says, and Sasha's head snaps around to look at him so fast that she feels dizzy for a moment. From the corners of her wide eyes, she can see Jean staring the man down as well.

"That's not going to be used" Jean hissed "Ever!"

Sasha nodded along. For a tiny moment, she'd been afraid she'd missed something and using the rumbling if things went south, was an actual option. She sees Samuel frown.

"If that was the case, why did Historia become the Beast?" he asks in a low voice "If that was the case, what point would there have been in shortening her life like that? And the lives of her children when their time comes?"

"That-!" Jean started, but stopped. He took a deep breath, before continuing in a silent voice: "That's about strategy; the fact that we have the ability to use the rumbling will make them think twice."

"But if the rumbling was never meant to be used, we could've replaced Historia with a fake queen before her face became known to the outside world" Samuel argued "If the rumbling won't be used anyway, there'd be no real need to have a titan with royal blood."

Sasha bit her lip, looking at the two back and forth. She agreed with Jean; the rumbling must never be used, but since they weren't going to use it, was it really necessary to sacrifice Historia? Samuel had a point; since they wouldn't use the rumbling, they could have used a fake queen to take the beast titan. Why hadn't they?

"That's true, but the MPs didn't accept that option" Jean says, his voice even lower "They wanted to make sure the last resort existed, just in case."

"So, in their eyes, it is an option" Samuel says, eyes locked on Jean, who's staring back with a frown on his face.

"Yes, but let's be honest, they don't understand what countless of people dying means. They don't understand how many lives would be lost; to them, the outside world is just faceless numbers" Jean tells "But in the scouts, we're not like that. The rumbling shall never be used. Period."

"Maybe not while Commander Hanji is in charge" Samuel shoots back "But what about after she retires? Or what if she dies young? Who's to say her successor thinks the same?"

For once, Sasha had an answer ready.

"I'm pretty sure Jean is that successor" she points out. For a moment, Samuel just stares at the other man with his jaw hanging open, and as she glances at Jean, Sasha becomes rather sure that he's trying to not look smug. He's doing a good job of it actually, but with how well she knew him, she knew all the telltale signs.

"Well, congratulations, then" Samuel bit out, standing up "But what about after you? Or if the popularity of the scouts drops down to what it was before the war? Your word won't count then. Sooner or later, there will be a time when the rumbling is as seriously considered option as any. And when that time comes, I seriously hope that you two make the right decision."

Too shocked from what he'd said, Sasha can only watch as Samuel walks away. Jean doesn't say anything either, and Sasha can't help but wonder what he's thinking.

"Hopefully nothing too disheartening"

XXXXX

Nikolo doesn't mind the group sessions themselves, not really. What he minds are some of his fellow patients- wait no, not "his fellow patients;" he wasn't one of them, he wasn't crazy! Anyway, he didn't mind being there, listening to their worries and fears, he could even relate to some of them, but some… well, they made him too uncomfortable, to put it lightly.

"Thank you for sharing this with us, Peter" the doctor leading the session says "Now, Dimitri, do you have something you'd like to share with us?"

Nikolo sure hoped not; that guy was the last one he wanted to listen to speak in this place.

"I do" the man said, much to Nikolo's ire "My brother is in the military, and he paid me a visit yesterday."

He could already see where this was going.

"He has been to that… that island due to work. He didn't want to, of course he didn't, but those were the orders he was given and he's a respectable soldier" Dimitri tells "This was the first time he had the time to visit me after that three-month mission of his."

"I'm glad he came out of there alive" one of the other patients comments, and Nikolo has to resist the urge to whip his head around and glare at the man.

"Me too, of course, and he came back not only alive, but unharmed" Dimitri says, shaking his head "Which is great, I'd never want him to be hurt, but… but in the long run, maybe it'd be better if he did."

Silence fell in to the room, and Nikolo couldn't tell what the man was thinking. Had Dimitri's brother's opinion on Eldians turned to a more positive one, and that had upset his Eldian hating brother?

"Would you like to tell us why, Dimitri?" the doctor pressed after the silence had gone on for quite a while. The man startled, before taking a deep breath.

"Of course, of course" he said "You see, my brother has served our country for years already. He's a good, experienced soldier. He's no longer one to make rookie mistakes- or at least, that's what one would think."

Nikolo raises an eyebrow at that.

"I've never been in the military, wasn't cut out for that, but even I know how a soldier's mental state usually developes" Dimitri says "First, a fresh recruit is nervous and insecure, but experience makes them surer of themselves and turns them in to fine soldiers- assuming they don't die first, that is. Then, at some point, there is usually a phase of overconfidence, which tends to pass by once the soldier causes some trouble because of it or gets in to a bad situation otherwise. The soldiers who survive alive after that are the ones who can truly be called professionals."

As much as Nikolo didn't like the man, he couldn't deny that he had good insight. He himself liked to believe that he had jumped over the overconfident phase-, poisoning the wine being a whole another brand of stupidity, and now had the title of an experienced soldier.

"Or maybe the fact that I ended up here means that I'm having my arrogant phase now… and since I can't continue service, guess it means I didn't it make it to be a real professional" the idea wouldn't have irked him nearly as much as it did have it not come from Dimitri. Nikolo normally didn't comment on anything the others shared from their life on these sessions, but now he couldn't help but ask: "Then, is your brother still in that cocky phase?"

"So, it seems" Dimitri admitted, sighing "I thought he'd be an experienced soldier by now who would know better than to underestimate the enemy, but apparently not. Now he's convinced that he can handle another shift in that place if needed. Said that he even volunteered to go again at some point if they were low on people. Just how stupid can an adult man be!?"

Nikolo had to try hard to suppress his smile as he heard this. He didn't like Dimitri, but the guy's brother was certainly somewhat earning his approval.

"Maybe he just wants to prevent other, less experienced soldiers from going?" Peter says "Maybe he saw how risky going there is, and wants to keep less experienced soldiers from going there, even if it puts him in more danger?"

"…Maybe" Dimitri said after a moment, head in his hands "But that's just… not the impression I got."

Nikolo let out a deep sigh as he tried to keep his poker face, hoping that no one read too much in to it even if they did hear it. This was going to be a long session.

XXXXX

Samuel's words had been bothering Sasha for a few days already, but now, as they sat down after work away from the others, she finally managed to muster up the courage to go straight to the point: "Say, Samuel, do you really think using the rumbling would be acceptable? Millions and millions of people would die…"

Samuel looks startled for a moment, probably surprised that she would bring it up so suddenly, yet he answers her anyway.

"It's not that I want it to be used; I agree that it needs to be a last resort" he says "But there's so few of us compared to the rest of the world. If everyone outside of this island ganged up on us, our only true chance at survival would be to use the rumbling. And if either them or us need to go down, I want it to be them."

Sasha could understand how he felt, or at least she thought so, but…

"The rumbling would kill everyone outside" she said "Including Jonas and Erik."

Samuel looked away as he said: "If it comes to that, then they're unfortunate but necessary casualties. Besides, they're soldiers. I'm sure they knew their lives could end in battle when they enlisted in the military."

"Then what about all the innocent civilians out there who'd die in the rumbling?" Sasha tried, knowing that Samuel had a point when he talked about a soldier's duty "What about the children?"

"What about the innocent civilians here?" Samuel shot back "What about the children here? Do you think they'd spare the civilians, or at least the children? No, they wouldn't, because we're Eldians. To them, we're nothing but monsters! If they were sure, they could wipe us out and win they would, so we need the rumbling to keep them from trying!"

Samuel was breathing hard now as Sasha stared at him, wide-eyed. She knew he was probably right on the matter of the world rising against them if they didn't scare them with the rumbling, but-!

"It's enough if they think we'd use it" she says "It won't have to be used."

"And what if they realize that there are people here who think like that? That there are people in positions of power here who think like that?" Samuel asks, clenching his fists "If they find out, then attacking despite the possibility of the rumbling might seem worth the risk to them. If that happens and we, the Survey Corps, the Garrison and the Military Police, aren't standing united, it may very well be the end of us all!"

This time, Sasha didn't say anything. She didn't know what to say as, for the first time, her stance on the rumbling waivered, just a tiny bit. Samuel was right, unity was a must for their people, their country. And if the rest of the world united against them, the only way to survive would be the rumbling. In the worst-case scenario, the rumbling would be activated and she and her comrades would be fighting against each other, those siding with the rumbling against those who didn't accept it. That had to prevented at all costs; they had to be united. They had to become united.

"But can we demand that from the people who just want to protect themselves and their loved ones, the society they've grow up in? Can we demand them to look at the bigger picture?" Sasha thought, biting her lip. As a soldier, it was a part of her job to be able to look at the bigger picture, to be able to sacrifice herself if needed, and while she could expect that from her comrades, she couldn't expect that from civilians. Civilians who knew about the rumbling, even though they didn't know the details. Even if the majority of the military stayed firm on not using the rumbling even if a real need came, how could they expect the civilians to agree to that? Some might, like her family perhaps, but the rest…

"They wouldn't take it sitting down" she concluded "There would be a civil war, an uprising. Worst case, we'd destroy the world and ourselves!"

"Sasha?" she jolts as Samuel's hand lands on her shoulder. Looking up at him, she notices how worried he looks "Are you okay?"

"Ye-yeah, I'm fine" she stutters "It's just… you have good points, but…"

She shakes her head.

"I need to talk about this with someone smarter" she says. To her surprise, Samuel smiles.

"Yeah, maybe this was a bit too much for your level of understanding"

She huffs.

"Oh, shut up"

XXXXX

Nikolo's hand was shaking again, more noticeably than usual, which is why he had retreated to his own room to stay out of sight. If it wasn't for the shaking, he'd probably be playing cards with the others or something right now. Instead, he's picked up a book and started to read… or tried to, anyway; it was hard to concentrate. That had been the case often lately, and it was only getting worse.

"Is it the withdrawal effects? Should they really be getting this bad? When will they get easier?" he wondered. Had it been too dangerous to stop taking all meds at once, after all? Should he start taking some of them again? Or would it make things worse?

There was a knock on the door, but whoever it was didn't come in. Not a doctor or a nurse, then. The patients' free time wasn't over yet, so it was probably one of them. The door wasn't locked.

Putting the book down on the table, Nikolo turned to the door, curious to who it could be and what they would want.

"Come in, it's not locked."

As the door opened and Dimitri came in, Nikolo found himself regretting that he hadn't pretended to be out. But it was too late now, so he just stared, waiting to hear what the other wanted.

After Dimitri had closed the door, he leaned against it, saying: "Can I ask you something?"

Nikolo supposed he was only asking for the sake of being polite; judging from his position, it seemed that the man didn't plan to go anywhere before he got what he wanted, whatever that was.

"You can always ask" Nikolo said, annoyed and somewhat wary "But I'm not promising to answer before I know what you want."

"Naturally" Dimitri says with a wry smile "A proper soldier would be cautious, right?"

Nikolo stiffened. It wasn't exactly a secret, but he wondered who had told the guy. The staff had a professional responsibility to not reveal private information about the patients, so how had he known? Did he know Dimitri's brother without realizing it and the said soldier had told the man something?

"Former soldier, now" Nikolo corrects, thinking that Dimitri would realize it soon anyway even if he didn't already know "What do you want?"

"Remember what I said about my brother?" when he nods, Dimitri continues: "If possible, I don't want him to go to that place again. Since you were a soldier, you probably know some things that haven't been told to us civilians. Do you have anything I could use to convince him that it's a bad idea?"

That's what he wanted? Well, it wasn't that surprising. But how should Nikolo go from here? He didn't want any more trouble, so telling Dimitri what he actually thought about "that place" was not an option, but he didn't want to make his, and potentially, his soldier brother's, image of Paradis any worse than it already was, either.

"I would rather not talk about anything related to that place" was what Nikolo settled on saying. Sometimes, silence just was the best, the safest answer.

Dimitri stared at him. First there was a frown, then he looked thoughtful before finally seeming to come in to a realization.

"You've been there" he didn't voice it as a question, but a fact "Is that why you ended up here?!"

Saying yes wouldn't be a lie, not exactly.

"…It played a part in it" Nikolo reluctantly admitted, crossing his arms "But it's a matter I refuse to discuss. Was that all?"

He wanted Dimitri out of his room, before he snapped. But as luck would have it, the man had other ideas.

"C'mon, I'm sure there's something you can tell me" He said "My brother probably just got lucky and didn't run in to… whatever it was that you faced. If you can tell me what that was- "

"No" Nikolo interrupted, his voice rising, but thankfully he wasn't exactly yelling. Yet "I've made myself clear, so get out."

"I get it that it's a sore subject, but- "

"OUT!" this time Nikolo did yell, and while it might come back to bite him in the ass later, it did the trick as Dimitri left the room without another word. Sighing, Nikolo went to lay down on his bed. This was not his day.