Chapter 40

Nikolo had thought that snapping at Dimitri once would get the guy off his case, but as luck would have it, he'd been wrong. Very wrong; the man tried to take every chance he could get to talk to Nikolo!

Of course, if the former soldier just told the man something that would satisfy him, something that might not even need to be true, then he'd probably be left alone. But he feared that anything he said would worsen the Island's image, so that fear made him keep his mouth shut.

"Nikolo, I'm sure it's hard but- "

"No" Nikolo interrupted Dimitri as the man approached him after he'd won himself out of a card game with two others "I'm not talking about this. Period. If you keep bothering me, I'm telling the doctor."

"Really? You'd become a snitch?" Dimitri asks. Nikolo, determined to not take the bait, says: "If I have to."

"I honestly don't get why you're so determined not to say anything" the man says "Is the idea of even speaking about it that traumatic to you?"

Right, his silence could be taken that way, too. Should he fix this? But how could he fix it?

"No, I just can't speak about it" he said "Military secrets."

"Bullshit"

"Believe what you want" Nikolo said, turning away and leaving like he had intended to "I don't really care."

XXXXX

Walking towards the barracks with Emil, Sasha waited for the boy to say something. She knew that he would, eventually; he had that look on his face that he got when he wondered if he should say anything or not.

"Say, sis?"

"Yeah?" Sasha asks, looking at him from the corner of her eye.

"Do you think the rumbling will eventually be used?"

Sasha stops, shocked.

"Where'd that come from?" she asks, looking at her foster brother "Has someone said something?!"

"Well, no" he says, also stopping "I mean yeah, you and Samuel. I… kinda heard you talking."

"Kinda?" Sasha repeats, raising an eyebrow. Well, at least she could be relieved that there hadn't been any other talk about it that Emil had heard.

With a sheepish smile, the young scout confesses: "Okay, so I was eavesdropping, but that's not really the point."

Sasha waits, anxious to hear what the boy has to say. She hopes that this conversation will be short; she didn't want to talk about this subject with someone so young and inexperienced, especially not with a member of her own family.

"So… do you think they'll use it? Even though it would kill millions of people?" Emil asks "I mean, I'd probably support it myself if it was the only option someday, like if everyone on the island would be killed without it or something, but otherwise… isn't it too much?"

Sasha found herself smiling, glad that they thought the same way of the matter.

"It is, but don't worry; the rumbling is a last resort plan" she says. There had also been a lot of talk about using a partial rumbling with only some of the wall titans, which would cause a lot of destruction, but not nearly as much as a full rumbling would. However, the details of the option were kept inside a tight circle of higher ups, and while Sasha herself was a part of that circle these days, she was sure she didn't know nearly everything about those plans and the experiments the Founding titan was known to make "Besides, we have peace now, so even if the need for it comes, it would likely be years from now!"

Or at least, so she hoped. And she also hoped Nikolo would be on the island with them if it happened.

"Ah rats, here I go thinking of him again!" she cursed herself, hoping that her inner conflict didn't show on her face.

"Instructor Shadis said that peace is a fragile thing" Emil says. Unable to stop herself, Sasha flinches. She knows that to be true, too "Things could fall apart any day, right?"

"In theory, yes" Sasha starts, taking a deep breath. She was the one of higher rank here; she needed to sound convincing, just like with Hans and Stefan "But things going wrong right now or in the following few days are very unlikely as there have been no real signs of trouble. And if such signs do come up, we'll do everything in our power to fix things. And we will; we're The Scouts, we can handle anything! …And on the off chance we can't, we'll rely on Armin whipping up a strategy and the Ackermans giving us an upper hand. So, no problem, really!"

Emil stares at her blankly, and Sasha sweat drops. Maybe the last part was too unprofessional? Finally, the young man laughs.

"Gee, sis, maybe I should be more worried about you than the world" he says "How have you gotten so far again?"

Sasha pouts. This again.

"Shut it, runt" she hisses. Emil keeps laughing, and as Sasha watches him, she can't help but smile herself. This was why she still continued as a soldier after all these hard years. She wanted to protect the smiles of her friends and the happy laughter of her family, and everyone else's, too.

His smile, too.

XXXXX

Dimitri wasn't bothering Nikolo anymore. Not directly, that is. He was being more subtle. Or maybe he had given up, not trying to annoy Nikolo, but was simply doing it by accident. Like right now.

They had a group session again, and as Dimitri had brought up his brother and his career as a soldier, the conversation had drifted off to Eldians again, especially Eldians of Paradis. Nikolo had mostly tuned it out, but as if following Dimitri's example, everyone else was now bringing up the titan turning race, too. And so far, there had not been one single positive or even neutral comment.

It was really getting on Nikolo's nerves, making him angry. He had his arms crossed tightly, just like he often did during these sessions in case they started shaking. That little withdrawal effect had still not stopped. At times he even had to grit his teeth or bite his lip so that he wouldn't say anything that would make the situation worse.

"It's fine, it's fine… just focus on breathing and keeping your mouth shut…" he told himself "Breath in and out, and don't listen to them…"

"Nikolo, do you have something you'd like to share with us?"

Right, so now it was his turn. He'd rather not speak, he never really wanted to speak in these sessions, but he'd refused many times in a row already. With how bad of a mood, he was in, he really hoped he could skip this time, too. But then again, if he managed to switch the subject by speaking now, maybe those who were left wouldn't mention anything about Eldians today?

"Worth a shot" he thought. But what should he say? "Something that might turn everyone's thoughts to happier directions… um…"

"Well, I…" he started, but couldn't come up with anything "I had this dream last night, about someone I used to know."

"Oh? Would you like to tell us more?" the doctor prompted him. And Nikolo would, but he'd stay vague enough.

"Many of my friends were in that dream. Friends and, well, friends of friends that I wasn't all that close to. Some of them I didn't really even like, in fact. And some of them are dead now. One in particular… we weren't close, but at times I wonder if I'd been less of a jerk, or if I'd given him more of a chance, maybe we would have become friends. But it's too late now" Nikolo shrugs "I guess I'm trying to say that I have a habit of being too judgmental and that I should try to change that."

Wasn't even a lie, really. And maybe this would make at least someone consider their attitude towards Eldians, even if it was subconsciously. They didn't need to know that while he had had such a dream last night, one with his friends from the island, he was making up this little speech on the fly.

"So, your friend- err, friend of a friend, is dead now?" it was Dimitri who asked "Did he fall in the line of duty?"

"…No, he was sick" Nikolo supposed that the 13-year curse counted as an illness "So, it's not like his death was really a surprise."

"…Maybe you were unconsciously protecting yourself by not getting close to that guy?" Peter suggests, much to Nikolo's surprise. He looks at the man, puzzled "What do you mean?"

"If you knew he was that sick, maybe you kept yourself from becoming friends with him so that his death wouldn't hurt as much?"

"…Maybe" not that Nikolo believed that for a second; his reasons of never becoming friends with Eren were elsewhere entirely. Besides, if it really had been the case, he wouldn't have become friends, at least somewhat, with Armin.

Armin who didn't have much time left, either.

"How long does he still have?" Nikolo wondered "There's no way I'll make it there in time to say goodbye!"

"Nikolo?"

The man blinks.

"Sorry" he says "I think… I think I don't have more to say."

He needed to stop spacing out.

"Alright, thank you for sharing this with us, Nikolo" the doctor says "How about you, Cain? Anything you want to share with us?"

Cain, short but muscled man that Nikolo knew to have some kind of military background, did have something he wanted to share with them, and it turned out that Nikolo's attempt to change the subject was a flop. Somehow, Eldians ended up being talked about again.

"Should've just kept my mouth shut" Nikolo thought, gritting his teeth. He could ask to be excused so that he wouldn't risk blowing up at the man, it probably wouldn't be considered all that weird after the heavy stuff he'd just told, but if he did, it would be pretty much a given that the doctor would ask him about it later. He'd rather avoid that.

"It's fine; I'll just have to tune it out… tune it out…"

In the end, he does somehow manage, though not without gritted teeth, clenched fists and, he was pretty sure, a scowl on his face. He just hopes no one took a notice of those things.

XXXXX

"…95…96…"

"Sasha?" she hears her name being called, but doesn't let it disturb her as she calls back: "Just a sec!"

"…97…98…99…" she does the last push up before crashing to the ground on her stomach in a rather undignified manner "100!"

"I'm pretty sure Shadis ain't here; did Levi put you up to this?" Sasha lifts her head and looks up, only to see Connie's grinning face "Or wait, don't tell me you pissed Jean off that badly?"

Sasha snorts; as if Jean had that kind of authority over her.

"Nope; just thought that some extra training was due" she says. Truthfully, all the talk about possible war and the use of the rumbling had made her a little anxious, so extra training took her mind off of things and made her feel like she was doing something useful. But no one needed to know that "What brings you here?"

"Orders; I'm babysitting the cadets who've come to visit the harbor" Connie replies "Not that I'm the only one, so I had a chance to slip away for a bit."

Sasha bites back the reflexive response that is about to come that he shouldn't; the young, inexperienced cadets could end up causing trouble, and the more eyes there were to keep them in check, the better... Was she being paranoid?

"No need to panic; against popular belief, while Connie isn't book smart, he's not an idiot" Sasha told herself "If there were some risky individuals among the cadets, he wouldn't have taken a break."

"So, what's up?" Sasha asks as she sits up, then stands "Shadis retiring yet?"

"You wish" Connie snorts. Scratching his head in a way Sasha knows to be sheepish, he asks: "You got a moment?"

If she didn't, she wouldn't be here doing pushups; that much should be obvious. She doesn't point it out though, for Connie's voice had sounded a little hesitant. Something was up.

"Sure" figuring that whatever Connie had in mind had to be either personal or otherwise sensitive information, she motions for him to follow "C'mon."

She leads him to a bit more secluded area, not that they'd been at a very populated one in the first place. Connie doesn't object though, so she supposes it's the right choice. She sits down wordlessly, waiting for the man to speak, hoping that whatever he has in mind is personal, not a delicate matter regarding work.

"Yeah so, I went to see mom on one of my days off" Connie starts "Well, I had a few of them just for that purpose. Shadis doesn't know everything, but he knows enough to not give me a hard time about it and to give me enough time off to go there."

Sasha nods, wondering where this was going, but at least it seemed to be personal. Phew.

"But you know, when I got there, someone else was already there"

Alarmed, Sasha's posture straightens as she looks at Connie with wide eyes "Is your mom okay?!"

"As okay as she's been the past years" right "And I'm not saying it was anyone dangerous; it was Kaya."

"Kaya?" Sasha repeats in disbelief "Kaya as in little Kaya? My Kaya!?"

Connie seems to flinch at her choice of words, though she can't come up with what the problem would be. Maybe she was just being too loud.

"Yes, your Kaya" Connie says "Do you want to continue freaking out, or should I continue?"

"Sorry" Sasha said, smiling sheepishly "Carry on."

"Yeah, so she was there, cleaning the rubble and cutting the weeds. It took a while for me to realize that I'd actually told her when I'd be going there next when last time I'd seen her, but once I did, she admitted to having waited for the time to help out with the cleanup" Connie tells "And she assured that she hadn't gone near my mom on her own, just in case she said. Which is good; as nice as it is that my mom gets company, she can be dangerous."

Sasha nods; that's what Jean had said, too, and it was true. She supposes that Kaya is smarter than her, which doesn't surprise her all that much, but it does kind of damage her pride that the girl thought clearer than her when it came to something titan related. Sasha was a soldier; she should know at least this kind of stuff better than her little sister!

"Anyway, about why she was there- "Connie starts, and Sasha leans closer, eager to hear. Had Kaya confessed? "-Would you happen to have any idea?"

…Apparently not.

"Who, me?" she asks, shaking her head "Why would I have any idea?"

"Because you're her sister" Connie deadpans "And with how long we've been basically stuck at the hip, you should already know that I know when you're lying."

Sasha freezes. Oh boy, of course he did. How would she get past this!?

"Sash, what are you hiding?" Connie asks, frowning "Did you put her up to it?"

"What? No" Sasha denies. He would've seen through a lie anyway, but if he hadn't, it would've dimmed Kaya's kind gesture "I had no idea she was gonna do that!"

"I know you didn't suggest what she did; you were too surprised when you heard. I of all people know that you wouldn't be able to act that well" he says "But did you, I don't know, ask her to cheer me up somehow or something?"

When Sasha doesn't answer, too busy trying to come up with something to say, Connie asks: "Is that why she's visited me a few times? Because you told her to?"

"What? No no no" Sasha denies "I didn't tell her a thing; she's acting completely on her own!"

Connie raises an eyebrow "Is she?"

"Yes, she is!" Sasha cries out "Honest!"

Connie still looks unconvinced, and Sasha's close to panicking, wondering how this turned out so wrong. Was she unintentionally ruining everything Kaya was working on!?

…Hang on, why was Connie smirking? Or actually, it looked like he was stifling laughter.

"He better not have-!" realization dawns on her, and it must have shown on her face as Connie bursts out laughing "Connie!"

"Sorry sorry, I just couldn't resist!" he confesses "I knew from the beginning that you had nothing to do with it."

"Jerk!" Sasha yells, pushing him for the heck of it. Of course, this was also her fault; by now, she should know Connie well enough to know when he's lying, just like he knew her "Maybe I would've noticed if the possibility of him lying had occurred to me in the first place…"

"Wait, why did he seek me out if not to ask about Kaya's intentions?" she wondered. If he had just wanted to joke around, surely, he would've chosen a better time?

"So, what's this really about?" she asks "You do have a reason to seek me out, right?"

If he didn't, she'll tell instructor Shadis. That'll teach him.

"Yeah, I do" Connie said, and while his tone wasn't alarming, it was by no means playful like it had been just seconds ago.

"…What's wrong?" Sasha simply asks. Connie looks uncomfortable, to say the least, but he gathers himself and says: "This actually is about Kaya."

Hearing that, Sasha wonders if she had confessed after all. But Connie sounded so serious…

"So, we talked, and she said she likes me. As in likes me" he says, and Sasha nearly squalls. Kaya had confessed!

"…Wait, how come he sounds like it's a problem?" she wonders "Uh oh…"

"The thing is, I have nothing against Kaya. I like her, but not in that kind of like. Or at least, I've never thought of her that way, probably because I've known her since she was a little kid, but maybe it could be something. But…" Connie didn't continue his rambling after that, nor did he look at Sasha.

"But…?" she pressed. Connie sighs.

"Well, you call her "your little Kaya", don't you?" he says "That's just it, isn't she a little, you know, kind of a kid in comparison to me?"

Oh. Oh, crap, was his hesitation her fault? Sasha seriously meant nothing by calling the girl her little Kaya. Maybe she should've worded it differently?

"Well, too late now" she knows, sighing "She's not that little; she's almost twenty!"

"And I'm thirty" Connie counters, getting a good-natured whack on the head from Sasha as a result "Almost thirty, dummy. Still a few years."

"Still, it's a big difference"

"Nonsense" Sasha denies "You're both old enough to make your own decisions. If you like her and she likes you, what's stopping you? Certainly not me, that's for sure. The rest of the family likes you too, so I highly doubt dad would chase you down with his rifle even if something did start between you and Kaya and he found out."

"Thanks, that really helps" Connie deadpans "…But, you know, you wouldn't mind? If something started out between me and Kaya, I mean."

"What? No no" Sasha pauses "But you know, knowing you two, it's not like me minding would stop you, would it?"

"…Maybe not" Connie confesses, and they both laugh. However, Sasha's laugh is cut short as she suddenly wonders: "Wait, what did you answer Kaya?"

"Eh, well…" Connie looks away again, awkward. Sasha holds her breath; he better not have screwed it up! "She told me when I was leaving, and I was in a hurry, so I… kinda told her that we should talk about this at a better time."

Sasha lets out the breath she'd been holding. That wasn't so bad. Could've been a lot better, but could've been worse, too.

"Ow!" Connie totally deserved that whack she just gave him, though.

"Make sure you talk this out with her as soon as possible" she tells him, ignoring his complaints.

"Yeah, I was gonna" he says "But Sash?"

"Yeah?"

"You didn't seem all that surprised about Kaya's confession" Connie narrows his eyes "Did you know?"

Sasha laughs nervously.

"Well…"

It didn't count as breaking Kaya's trust since Connie found out after the girl herself had confessed, now did it?

XXXXX

Again, people were talking about Eldians at the group session. Was that all they could talk about these days? Nikolo wished they'd stop, or better yet, just shut up completely. He grits his teeth and clenched his fists, knowing that he couldn't say that to them. He couldn't tell them what he thought of them, or anything else. He had to keep his mouth shut. He had to control himself. He had to-

"WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!" Nikolo yells as he stands up from his seat with enough force to make his chair topple over.

Dimitri does shut up, staring at him with wide eyes along with everyone else. Nikolo takes a few steadying breaths before realization of what he'd done slowly sinks in.

"I messed up, I messed up badly!" he knows, his irregular breathing about to return for no other reason than his panic. His hands are shaking, but he doesn't know if it's withdrawal effects again or if this time, it's out of sheer fear and anxiety "How do I fix this? How do I-?"

"Is everything alright, Nikolo?" the doctor asks him, his voice calm "Is there something you'd like to share with us?"

What was the smartest move here? Try to explain himself? …No, that'd only work if he actually had something smart to say. It was best to say nothing at all. Should he ask to be excused? Would leaving after such an outburst give an even worse impression than he'd already given? Should he-

"Nikolo, do you hear me?" the doctor asks, making Nikolo realize that he'd been quiet too long. He had to say something.

"Y-yes, I'm alright. I'm just…" he takes a deep breath "Sorry, I haven't slept well lately. This won't happen again."

"Good" the doctor says "Would you like to return to your seat?"

He would not; he'd rather return to his room. But since he'd been specifically asked about returning to his seat, saying no to that would be bad, wouldn't it?

"Yeah, I'll do that" Nikolo says, lifting his chair back up before sitting down "Sorry about this."

He hoped that was the end of it for now. No doubt the doctor would bring it up in their next private meeting, but he'd have until tomorrow to figure this out… Or to the end of this session if he was really unlucky. He better calm down and think.

"What the hell, man!?"

It would be much easier without Dimitri demanding answers. He was clearly not pleased, having stood up as well. At least his chair was still in place.

"Please sit down, Dimitri" the doctor says, thankfully. Maybe he'd clear this out and Nikolo wouldn't have to say anything "All of you have your problems, and sometimes some of you overreact."

"What exactly is he overreacting to?" Dimitri challenges, turning his gaze from Nikolo to the doctor "I know he's a former soldier and that he's dealt with Eldians in the past, but to react like that just to others talking about them? That is why you freaked out, isn't it?"

It took a moment for Nikolo to understand that the question was aimed at him, not that it mattered since he had no idea what to say.

"Nikolo has had rather harsh encounters with Eldians in the past" the doctor says, and Nikolo shoots him a look that's not quite a glare, but something wary. The information was confidential, so the man couldn't say anything, could he? "Normally, I should not disclose this to the rest of you, but after what just happened, it's better that you know one thing about your fellow patient."

Apparently not.

"Will he shut up if I ask him to?" Nikolo wonders, but chooses not to try. Right now, it felt like doing anything would just make things worse.

"I know he went on that island" Dimitri says before the doctor can continue "But that doesn't- "

"You may have misunderstood something" the doctor cuts him off, looking directly at Dimitri "Nikolo has been to Paradis Island, yes, but unlike most, he didn't spend only three months there. Having been on the first survey ship sent there, he spent nine years in that place until the war ended. So please, try to be understanding."

Silence ruled over the room as everyone turned to stare at him, and Nikolo just wondered if he could get the doctor in some kind of trouble if he got the word out that the man was spreading his private information without his consent.

Not really meaning to, Nikolo locked eyes with Dimitri, who flinched as he did. Nikolo raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"I… I didn't know that" the man admits, sitting back down "Sorry, Nikolo."

He'd been angry with Dimitri for a while now, but honestly, right now the man's apology didn't really mean anything to him. He was too angry with both himself and the doctor to pay any proper attention to the guy.

"It's fine, you didn't know" Nikolo says, and he feels his hand starting to shake a little again. Fearing another outburst, one that might get aimed at the doctor this time, he asks: "May I be excused? I don't feel too well."

"Of course, Nikolo" the doctor didn't sound surprised in the slightest, but Nikolo didn't care. He just had to get out of here, now.

"I screwed up big time" he thought as he crashed down on his bed. It's not like he hadn't meant what he said, but no matter how he thought of it, he knew that snapping like that was nothing but a bad idea. How had he ended up snapping so badly when he'd known it'd lead to nothing good? Was he losing his sanity for real?

"It's the damn meds, gotta be" Nikolo thought "But it's been quite a while since I stopped taking them. Should the side effects really still be this strong?"

He felt like he was overlooking something, he had to be overlooking something. He might have had slight anger issues before, but not to this extent, and he doubted stress would be getting to him this much all the time.

"C'mon, think!" he had stopped taking all the pills, so those didn't cause this. He'd thought he was suffering from some kind of withdrawal effects, but as time went by and things didn't get easier, he started to doubt that those might not be the core issue.

A knock on the door interrupts his musings. He calls in whoever it is, hoping that it wasn't the doctor. He wasn't ready to talk quite just yet.

Fortunately, it's just the nurse with his lunch. He didn't get any pills along with lunch these days.

"I didn't realize it was this time already" Nikolo thinks as he starts to eat "I really need a clock here."

The meal was simple, like always. However, lunch was the meal of the day that he most preferred in this place. He'd never been a huge fan of breakfast when compared to other meals, and in this place, the dinner was always oversalted or otherwise messed up with the spices. Not to the point that it was uneatable, but enough that no self-respecting cook would purposefully cover the other tastes like that.

"Cover… the tastes…" Nikolo almost choked on his smashed potatoes as a thought occurred to him. How did he, a man who'd gone around serving poisoned wine, overlook the possibility?

"The food… the dinners are the problem."

A.N: Dun dun duun! Ahem, a quick note about the ages: Kaya's actual age was not confirmed in canon, but I assume her to have been around 7 or 8 during her first appearance. At the same time, Connie is 15 or recently turned 16. So, their age difference would be around 7-9 years. Some might be bothered by this since Kaya's still so young, and while I would not ship them in the canon timeline, I do think that their age difference is not much of an issue at the timeline this story has. You can disagree, of course, but I felt like bringing that up before someone thinks Connie's off in the head for even considering anything.

Also, I just saw from SnK wiki that Sasha's father's name is Artur. Does anyone know when and where that has been revealed?