A.N: Second chapter of the month, as promised! Not Christmassy and not really even all that happy, but, well… there's Levi?

Chapter 43

"How are you feeling today?"

Nikolo's only answer to the doctor's question is a heated glare. Of course, the fact that he was tied down to a bed and could only lift his head a little made it far less intimidating than it should be.

"Better, it seems" the man concludes, walking over "Besides me, only a few people know about the advancement of your condition. I haven't informed your family yet."

The smug smirk on the doctor's face makes Nikolo want to punch him, consequences be damned.

"The offer still stands" he says when it becomes clear that Nikolo isn't going to give any verbal reply "Though after this, your time here will be longer than originally planned."

He probably should take that chance and calmly think over his next move.

"Screw you"

But he doesn't take it. He tells himself it's not about pride, not entirely at least, but he doesn't know what else it could be. He just knows that if he takes such a deal, there'd be no going back for him. He'd still think of ways to help, ways to get back to Sasha, but would chicken out the moment it came time to take a risk. He'd become a coward, the same way he was before he went to Paradis, except this time, he'd feel guilty for it.

"That's such a shame" Doctor Becker says, but he doesn't look sorry at all. If that wasn't the answer he had wanted, it seemed to be what he had expected. The syringe he pulls out of his pocket only further confirms it "Then I have no choice but to do this."

Nikolo saves whatever little dignity he still has left by not struggling when he's injected with whatever the needle holds. It'd be futile anyway.

"It'll start working slowly; I'd give it a few hours to work completely" Becker says "It'll make you quite disoriented, to say the least."

"And then you'll inform my family and they can see for themselves?"

"Exactly. Enjoy the little time with your sanity intact that you have left" with that, the doctor leaves the room. Nikolo glares after him, finally relaxing again when the door closes behind the man. He takes a deep breath.

"Alright, so I may have a chance here" he tells himself "If, for some reason, the drug doesn't work as fast or as well as intended, I might be able to stay sane long enough to convince mom, or whoever comes, that I'm fine… though they'll probably check beforehand that it worked before anyone is let inside."

That would most likely happen. What would happen after that? Regaining the understanding of his surroundings after the drug wore off wouldn't matter much if he was tied down and with no one to believe or help him.

"Calm down, you'll figure this out" he tells himself "For now, focus on staying sane, if not for anything else than just for pissing them off."

He'd figure something out, eventually.

XXXXX

"Samuel" Sasha starts. The man turns to her, waiting for her to continue "You shouldn't talk about the Marleyans the way you talked about them to the merchant, especially to civilians. We're trying to get things work with the outside world, but if people here think badly of them, it'll make the job even harder than it already is with what they think of us."

Samuel rolls his eyes, but he doesn't seem all that annoyed. Not yet, at least.

"I just made a single joke, Sasha" he says "Who would've thought that you of all people would be reprimanding me for that."

"Jokes are fine, but you need to choose the time and the place right… and in this case, the subject" she argues, crossing her arms "Lots of people on both sides are still very tense in each other's presence, so we don't need anything to agitate anyone more than what they already are."

Samuel's smile falters, and after a moment, he sighs.

"It's not like I don't know that" he says "But if we walk on eggshells all the time, won't that show our distrust in the Marleyans?"

Sasha hadn't thought of that. She understood the point, but still…

"Just… make sure you think before you speak, okay?" she asks. When Samuel opens his mouth to say something, she cuts him off: "Yeah yeah, I know that it sounds weird coming from me, but still, can you promise?"

"You said it, not me" Samuel chuckles "But sure, I'll hold my tongue. Though if Jonas ever comes here again, that promise won't be valid."

Sasha can't help but chuckle at this.

"That's fair; I won't be promising anything when it comes to that, either" she says "Speaking of which, isn't there supposed to be a group coming sometime soon?"

"Yeah, a new group arrived yesterday" Samuel confirms, much to Sasha's surprise. The man rolls his eyes again, clearly amused "What ship did you think the merchant used to get here?"

"Well merchants are rich; I thought he had his own" Sasha protested. Then, she realized she had something important to do now "I need to see the list of passengers!"

Samuel didn't question it, not out loud at least. If he had a questioning face on, Sasha wouldn't know, for she was already sprinting towards where she thought she'd find Jean from. He'd always checked the lists, so surely, he'd done so this time, too. She needed to find him asap.

"But if Nikolo was here, surely he would've come find me by now" the realization slowed her down. He wasn't back, or at least, it was very unlikely he'd be. It was of course possible that he was here, but had his hands too full with work that he'd be able to come find her. But even if that was the case, he'd be able to find someone to pass on the word, right?

"No use thinking about it; I just gotta find Jean" she decided, going forward with a steady, determined stride. If Nikolo wasn't around, then he wasn't. She'd just continue as usual until the next ship came around "And the one after that. And the one after- "

She shook her head wildly. There was no point in being negative.

"Jean!" she called out as she spotted the man. Only after it she realized that she should've first confirmed that he wasn't in the middle of something important, but luck seemed to be on her side as the man turned to face her immediately, abandoning what he was doing "Yeah?"

"Have you gone through the passenger list?"

"…Yeah" Sasha got her confirmation, and Jean's body language betrayed the result. Guarded, disappointed, like he didn't want to tell her. That was all the answer she needed.

"Oh" was all she said, before forcing on a smile "Thanks. I'll catch up with you on the subject again in three months!"

She turned to leave, hating how disappointed she was. She had already known this was most likely the case; it made no sense to be so disappointed.

"Sasha" Jean calls after her, and she stops, but the man doesn't continue, so she says: "Yeah?"

She still doesn't hear Jean say anything, so she sends a questioning look over her shoulder, and immediately wishes she hadn't.

On his face, Jean has a look of pity. It gives Sasha a pretty good guess of what he had wanted to say, but had held his tongue. She wasn't sure if she should be clad or mad about it.

"…He'll come back, eventually" she said "He'll come back."

Jean doesn't answer, his face unchanging. Somehow, that's enough of an answer in itself.

An answer that Sasha doesn't like.

XXXXX

Nikolo's sight is a little blurry. His limps feel a little heavy, too, but at least they weren't tied down.

…Tied down? Why would they be tied down, anyway? Why had he thought of that? Was he forgetting something? His mind was foggy… where was he even, exactly? He could hear voices; wherever he was, he wasn't alone. And one of the voices was very familiar… his mom? Yes, that was his mother's voice. But why was she here? Where was here?

His mom was talking to someone, but he didn't recognize the other voice. Or maybe he did, but he couldn't place a name or a face. He couldn't make out what they were saying, either.

"Does it even matter…?" it's not like he had any kind of reason to want to know what and with who his mother was talking about… or did he? Maybe, maybe he did; he felt like he was forgetting something important "What was it?"

He wanted to know. Maybe his mother knew? He should ask.

Leaning on his elbows was a task, but he managed to do it, sitting up with great effort. His head spun a little, but he managed to stay sitting.

"Why did I sit up again…?" he wondered. He was tired; maybe he should just lay down and go back to sleep? …No, no. There was something he had planned to do… something… ah, that's right, he had to ask his mother what important thing he was forgetting.

"Ni… honey… back…" he heard his mother's voice, but he could hear only bits and pieces of the words as she pushed him back down. He didn't mind that; he had her attention now, so he could ask her what he wanted to know.

"Where…?" that was all, he got out at first, his throat raspy. He could make out his mother's worried face in front of him. Annoyed, he tried again: "Whe-where… I…?"

"It's alright, honey. You're… hospital… going to… alright" again, Nikolo couldn't make out her whole sentence, but he was sure that this time he understood enough. So, he was in a hospital? Why was he in a hospital? What had happened? Had he been injured in the line of duty?

"No, that seems off… somehow" he realized, but then doubted that as well. His mind was foggy and his body felt heavy; where else would he have gotten hurt so badly if not at work? Or had he fallen down some stairs? "I can't remember…"

His mother was saying something again, directly to him he guessed, but he couldn't focus on the words. He tried, he really did, but he couldn't make them out. He heard another voice, too, the same one from before, but still couldn't place a name or a face. Who was it?

"Probably not anyone… important" he thought "If it was, I'd remember, surely…"

He felt tired. There were still things he didn't understand, but figuring them out could wait, couldn't it? He was in a hospital, and his mother was there with him, so it was fine, wasn't it? He'd just have to rest now, and figure things out once he had recovered a bit more.

"I just need to… rest…"

XXXXX

Sasha was in a bad mood and, with how people seemed to avoid her, others saw it from her face, too. She hadn't had such a conversation with Jean, or anyone for that matter, in a while, but it made her just as angry as before. She supposed she should be less angry, for every time that Nikolo wasn't on the ship, there was more reason for Jean and everyone else to doubt he'd keep his promise, but that didn't calm her anger. Why didn't they have faith in him? After her, Sasha was positive that Jean was the one Nikolo had been closest to from their group. She'd think that one of the cook's closest friends would have more faith in him!

"Or is Jean protecting his own feelings by abandoning the possibility that he'd be back?" the thought suddenly hit her, stopping her in her tracks. She'd tried to protect herself by staying positive but, now that she thought about it, that wasn't Jean's style. Jean was a realist who always took in to account the worst-case scenario; he didn't have her blind optimism "Guess I've been too hard on him regarding this."

Sasha sighs in frustration before resuming walking, remembering that she was on duty, she was on patrol. Boring patrol, going around on her own and with nothing happening, but of course, it was better that way.

"I wonder if Nikolo has patrol duty these days, too" she thinks, smiling "Marley is such a big place with a lot of people; it wouldn't be surprising if soldiers patrolled around the streets of big cities. Or maybe he's patrolling at a harbor, too?"

The thought warmed Sasha; it made her feel closer to him.

"Marley has land borders with other nations too, doesn't it? He could be patrolling those, too… hopefully, he's not on a battle field." Sasha hadn't heard about Marley being included in any big conflicts recently, so there were probably none, but if there were smaller skirmishes, it wouldn't be weird for her to not having heard of those "I hope he's all right."

At this point, she'd be happy even to just see Grior; she could bully him in to telling her how Nikolo was doing. Or maybe get a read on it from what he didn't tell her. She had also considered asking Onyankopon if he could take a look at the passenger list and see if there was someone he knew, someone who he could talk in to contacting Nikolo, but had decided against it. While there probably were people the man knew on the ships, they probably didn't think highly of him. The idea of the chance being small in itself didn't bother Sasha, but she didn't want to put Onyankopon in an uncomfortable, potentially dangerous, situation just because of her own impatience.

"Maybe I should try to see myself if anyone knows Nikolo" she thought, but then shook her head. It could cause Nikolo trouble. If she was clever like Armin and could be subtle about it, there'd probably be no problem, but everyone knew she was anything but subtle "Why is this so hard!?"

Frustrated, she started walking faster without really even noticing it. Should she ask for advice from Armin again? …No, she shouldn't bother him with her personal problems, not with how little time he had left. That left Mikasa out, too; she should spend her time with Armin. Jean was out, for obvious reasons, and she was pretty sure Connie would have the same attitude. Hanji might be able to offer some advice, but Sasha knew she was very busy…

"The captain, then?" Sasha thinks, immediately snorting. Now that would be interesting "No idea how that would go. I'm not desperate enough to try it."

And then she frowns again.

"Why does this happen as soon as I think of Nikolo?" she wonders "Why can't I just stay positive!?"

She feared that she actually knew the answer already. She didn't want to admit it, but she didn't have blind faith in Nikolo, either. Thinking of him made her frantic and desperate because she was starting to doubt, had started to do so long ago. But how could she not? It has been well over two years, and there's been no sign of Nikolo. She gets that he can't just flat out go and write a letter for her, who'd deliver it anyway, but surely, he could've come up with some way to get some kind of message to her by now if he wanted to. So why hadn't he?

"No no, maybe he tried but something went wrong" the loving, waiting part of her argued, but that voice got quieter and quieter as time went by. She sighs.

"…Ma'am, is something wrong?" she jumps, hand reaching out for her gun on reflex, but she keeps from even touching it when she realizes that it's just Hans.

"No no, everything is fine" she stops walking "Why?"

The young scout looks uncomfortable, like he's wondering if he should answer or not.

"Well, you were walking rather fast, and had a rather… intense look on your face" he says "So I thought that something bad might've happened."

Sasha's face flushes, embarrassed and worried that she'd let her own personal problems affect her so much that it interfered with her work. Speaking of which, she was supposed to be on patrol, but she hadn't been paying all that much attention to her surroundings just now. If there had been something big going on, she would've definitely spotted that, but now she might have missed something small but relevant. Damn.

"I'm sorry; I got lost in thought" she admits. She hopes she doesn't lose all of his respect with this "I shouldn't dwell on personal problems during work, no one should, but there's been… a lot going on."

Looking at Hans, who seems to be rather uncomfortable, Sasha realizes that she probably should've kept that to herself. Why was she explaining herself to him in the first place? She was the superior officer here!

"Um, it may not be my place to say this, but… uh…" Hans started out, visibly uncomfortable. Sasha waited, wanting to know what he had in mind. After a moment, the young scout gathered himself enough to continue: "I mean no disrespect, but if something bothers you so much it distracts you from work, then perhaps you should talk about it with someone. They say that talking helps."

There's a short beat of silence, and before Sasha can even say anything, the man adds: "Not with me, of course, unless you'd see it as helpful, that is. I wouldn't mind, but someone who knows you better and might already have some understanding of your problems might- "

He's cut off by Sasha's laughter, and she feels a little bad about it when she sees how embarrassed he looks, but she can't make herself stop right away. When she does, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye as she does, she says: "Sorry, I don't even know why I laughed, but I'm glad I did. I needed that."

"…Glad to be of help, ma'am" Hans says, seeming a bit relieved.

"You're right, I'm gonna have to talk about this with someone" Sasha admits "But for now, I gotta continue the patrol. I'm sure I can concentrate this time, thanks to you. Dismissed."

"Yes, ma'am" Hans salutes, walking away. Sasha takes a deep breath. Fine, she was fine. She'd concentrate on work for now, but when she had free time, she'd talk about this with the first close friend she'd lay her eye upon. Even if it was the captain.

"Alright, now back to work!"

XXXXX

When Nikolo woke up, he still felt a little dizzy, but he was sure his mind was clearer than it had been when he last awoke. A lot clearer. He doesn't remember much from that time, his memories are blurry, but what he can remember tells him that he had been really out of it, just like the doctor had said. His mother had seen him in that condition, and while he can't remember anything that was said, he somewhat remembers her face. It's not hard to imagine what she'd been thinking.

"So, the drug was that strong…" that was bad, but maybe, if they used it often enough, he'd slowly gain some immunity. And maybe, if he managed to act very disoriented, no one would notice until he'd either make his escape or tell someone who'd believe him the truth. It felt like a simple plan, but the clearer part of his mind was nagging at him that it wouldn't work. He was still too groggy to figure out why exactly, though.

"I see that you're awake" the voice startles Nikolo; he had not noticed anyone coming in. It takes him a while before he can register who the voice belongs to, but when he does, he frowns. With some difficulty, he felt dizzy, but at least he wasn't tied up anymore, he sat up, leaning on his elbows for support as he glared at the doctor he had come to hate.

"Still feeling disoriented, I presume" he commented. Not that it wasn't obvious; Nikolo was sure the man knew that he wouldn't resort only to glaring if he could do more.

"Things are going exactly the way you want them, aren't they?" Nikolo asks the doctor, glad that he managed to get the whole sentence out despite how raspy his throat felt.

"What I would have wanted was for you to take the deal" he says, walking closer to the bed, but staying a safe distance away "But if we don't take that in to account, then yes, things are going exactly the way I wanted them to in case you'd refuse."

"Figures"

"And what now?" Nikolo asks "It doesn't seem that you plan to keep me drugged since I'm in my senses now."

"If I kept you drugged, you'd have no chance to reflect upon your actions and think of my offer" the man says "I'll make sure you are so when you have visitors, and often enough that no one will suspect anything, but you will have time to think about things with a clearer head. Who knows, perhaps after a year or two, you'll decide to take my offer after all."

"Often enough that no one will suspect anything, huh? Does this mean that there is staff in this hospital that aren't in on this and mustn't find out the truth? Or are there people in the military it must be hidden from?" Nikolo wondered "A year or two? I can't be stuck here that long; I'll come up with something before that!"

"You can take your offer and shove it up your ass" he tells the doctor, pushing himself in to a proper sitting position despite the movement making his head spin. The doctor takes a step back, Nikolo notes. Perhaps the drug's effects weren't as clear to the man as they could be, and he wasn't sure exactly how well his patient could move "I have no intention of taking part in your farce!"

"A shame" the doctor shrugs, turning to leave "I'll ask again when a year has passed."

When the door closes after the doctor, Nikolo sinks down on to the bed, knowing that that could've gone better.

"I need to figure something out"

XXXXX

She had sworn to herself that she'd speak of her worries to the first close friend she'd come across after her shift, even if it was captain Levi, but now that it was time and the short man was indeed the first one, she found, Sasha was no longer so sure of her plan.

"But I gotta talk to someone; it's no good to dwell on one's worries" she reminded herself "Nikolo did that, and that didn't end well."

Flashback

"How's Nikolo doing?" Jean asks as they walk towards the tavern Nikolo now worked at. He was no longer welcome to cook for the MPs or the wealthy, but by pulling some strings, they'd managed to get a job for the Marleyan war prisoner as a cook again. Of course, this time there'd be no poisoned wine around.

"He's quieter than he used to be. Kinda tense, too, but I'm sure he'll relax eventually" Sasha answers. She looked forward to seeing him, though of course the promise of food played a part in that.

"I'm sure there'd be a good way you could help him relax" Hitch snorts as she throws her hand over Sasha's shoulders. They'd ran in to the woman by pure coincidence on their way to the tavern, and since the MP wasn't busy, she had decided to tag along.

"Really? What kind of way?" Sasha asks, making Jean snort. She frowns, but when she sees Hitch wiggling her eyebrows, she gets it. With a red face, she hisses to the other woman: "We're not like that!"

"I didn't even say anything" Hitch defends with a laugh, dodging as Sasha tries to shove her.

"Like what exactly, Sasha?" Jean asks, joining the game "Having dirty thoughts?"

"Shut it, Horse Face" she hisses, and they laugh "You two suck!"

Despite their continuing teasing, Sasha doesn't say a word to them anymore on their way to the tavern. When they reach it, she just marches in from the back door, like she's used to doing. The other two follow.

"…Guess he's been overworking himself" Sasha mutters as they spot Nikolo asleep at the table, head resting on his arms, kitchen utensils spread across the table.

"No kidding" Jean grimaces "That's not exactly the most comfortable position to sleep in."

"I'll go check if he's left anything on the stove; we wouldn't want the food to burn, would we?" Sasha says quietly, already heading for her destination. Of course, she's really after the food, but it's not like she needed to admit that. The other two had certainly caught on anyway.

"We'll get food faster if we just wake the cook up" Hitch says, already heading for the man "And if he's really that tired, it'd be better for him to sleep elsewhere anyway."

From the corner of her eye, Sasha sees Hitch shaking Nikolo's shoulder, but ignores it. She would've just let him sleep, but the MP had a point, too. At least now the man wouldn't be mad at her for waking him up.

"Hey, wake up" Hitch says "It's already lunch time!"

Sasha has turned around to watch them fully, munching on a rather fresh bread she had just found. That's why she has a clear view of the stirring Nikolo, who slowly opens his eyes and raises his head a little bit, blinking. He seems to be a little out of it.

More than a little, Sasha soon realizes as she sees him look over his shoulder at Hitch, his eyes widening. Sasha knows fear when she sees it, but unable to make a connection on what gave Nikolo such a scare, she doesn't react fast enough when he grasps the nearest kitchen knife from the table, lunging at the woman.

"Hitch, duck!" she manages to let out, the bread falling from her hands, but she knows she's unable to get to her in time. Fortunately, Jean isn't, and the knife hits his shoulder instead of Hitch.

"What the hell man?!" Jean yells as he clutches his bleeding shoulder, all the while backing away from the cook with Hitch behind him as he shields the woman. Sasha goes between the two and the cook, literally, holding her hands up. As her eyes meet the man's, she realizes that he's not quite there. His eyes look unseeing.

"Nikolo?" she says, trying to keep her voice steady and failing quite miserably "Nikolo, it's me. Everything's okay."

She doesn't move, and neither does he. After what feels like an eternity to Sasha, Nikolo blinks a few times, seeming to regain an understanding of his surroundings.

"Sasha?" he says quietly, clearly now registering that she was there. Relieved, most of the tenseness leaves the woman's body "Yeah, me… can you put the knife down?"

"Knife…?" he frowns before looking at the bloody knife in his hand. With a startled yelp, he drops it, taking a few steps back "Wh-what happened?"

"That's what we'd like to know" Jean says from behind Sasha "You're not actually okay, are you."

Flashback

That was when they understood that, despite Nikolo's body having healed from his time in imprisonment, save for some scars, his mind hadn't. He still had nightmares, he was jumpy, and seeing the mark of the Military Police on Hitch half asleep had triggered a panicked reaction, fueled by his trauma.

For Nikolo's safety, the MPs would've used the incident as a chance to get rid of him had they heard, the three only told their own squad what had happened, not even sending Jean to a doctor as Hitch stitched his shoulder and patched him up right there in the kitchen. After the incident, Sasha and the others had gone out of their way to make sure Nikolo was alright and that he talked of whatever was bothering him. Considering that he stopped being jumpy eventually, she was pretty sure it had worked.

"Not that anything that bad will happen if I keep spacing out… probably" Sasha thought. Still, she had to clear her mind… but maybe she could go look for Hanji instead?

"Oi" Sasha jumps at the sudden sound. Great, she'd been so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't noticed Levi approaching her.

"Y-yes, captain?" she asks, smiling sheepishly at the man.

"That's my line; you've been staring at me for far too long" Levi says, crossing his arms "If you have something to say, then say it."

…Well, too late to run now.

"I just… need to talk to someone" she confesses "Will you listen?"

Levi stares.

"Private business, I assume?" a nod "Follow me, then."

Sasha follows after the man, realizing that she hadn't asked if he was busy or not. Well, if he was, he probably wouldn't agreed to talk with her, so no harm done… right?

Levi led her to some newer storage buildings, walking to a narrow alleyway between two of them before stopping to lean on the wall. After checking it wasn't too dirty, of course.

"Well?" he asks after Sasha stopped as well but didn't say anything.

"…I should've thought this through" she realizes "Well I… um…"

"This is about that Marleyan, isn't it?"

Sasha blushes.

"How did you know?"

"I ran in to Jean a bit before running in to you" he says "What's the problem? The fact that he hasn't dragged his ass here yet or the fact that Jean doesn't think he will?"

"…Both" Sasha confessed "I don't want to doubt him, but believing he'll come back gets harder and harder the more time passes. It hurts, and it's distracting. I even ended up spacing out during patrol! So, I… what should I do?"

"Any particular reason you're asking this from me?"

Sasha sweat dropped. The question was very understandable though, so she answered honestly: "You were the first I found after my shift, so…"

Levi tsks.

"Well, you've never been known for your patience" Levi says with a sigh. As much as Sasha wants to protest, she knows it's true. It was also one of the reasons she was having such a hard time.

"What bothers you the most? That he's not here? That others think that he won't come back? Or the quilt of doubting him yourself?"

"All of those" she admitted, making Levi scowl "Pick one."

Sasha thought about it, crunching up her face.

"…The quilt" she finally says after a long while, quickly adding: "I mean, him not being here bothers me a lot, but that's something that's out of my control, so while I miss him, it's not… um…"

She was really bad at this.

Levi seemed to think about it, or maybe he was thinking of how much of an idiot Sasha was, it was honestly impossible to tell with him, before he finally said: "Just drop it."

"Huh?"

"The quilt. Drop it" Levi clarified "If he doesn't come back, then you were right to doubt him. And if he does care enough to come back, he'll care enough to forgive."

Sasha blinked.

"…I don't think it's that simple"

"Why not?"

Sasha bit her bottom lip. She had no answer to that.

"If you can't answer, then it is that simple" Levi said, leaning on his cane again instead of the wall. Sasha knew the conversation was over, then "And if Jean or anyone else gives you shit about it, you can always punch or kick them. Just not while on duty and not hard enough that it'd hinder their ability to work."

Sasha chuckles at this. She's not too sure about the first advice, but the second, she'll definitely keep in mind. She can always say that it was with the captain's permission!

"I actually feel a bit better now" she supposed that just putting things in to words could make them easier sometimes "Thank you, captain."

"We can't have you spacing out while on duty" was all the acknowledgement her words got as Levi walked past her, not looking back. Sasha laughed "Yeah, we can't."

A.N: Merry Christmas!