IMPORTANT: While I usually update this once a month, on the first day of every month, last month I also updated on Christmas Eve so, if you didn't notice that, do go and read chapter 43 before this.
Chapter 44
When Dr. Becker walked in to Nikolo's room, for the first time in a few days, he wasn't alone. There were two other men, the ones that had held him down the last time he'd been drugged with an injection. Guess whatever they used to make him so drowsy couldn't be added to his food, which he knew was still being drugged with something else.
"We can't have you getting violent, so they're here for safety" it didn't need to be said for whose safety; that was plain as day. Taking out a needle, the doctor asks: "Do they need to hold you down, or will you cooperate?"
Nikolo supposed he would. He no longer felt the effects of the drug, but there was this general tiredness that didn't go away, probably caused by whatever was in the food. And it was three on one, so even if he was at full strength, he might still not stand a chance even if he did put up a fight.
"I take it someone's coming to visit if I need to be drugged?" he asks, not moving from the edge of the bed where he had sat when they came in.
"There will be visitors, yes" Becker hands the syringe to one of the other two, apparently not daring to come near Nikolo himself. The former soldier wasn't sure if he should consider it a wise or a cowardly decision. Probably both.
He didn't resist as the needle was plunged in to his neck. This time, however, he didn't lose his consciousness on the spot. He supposed they had used something else to knock him out last time before using the drug that messed with his sense of reality.
"I suggest you get in to a comfortable position; it'd be a shame if you got a head injury when the effect kicks in" Dr. Becker advices before leaving with his two guards. Nikolo wonders if the man was being sarcastic, or if he actually feared the trouble one of his patients getting a head injury would bring. Whichever the case, he didn't feel like finding out, so he laid down, cursing his luck as he waited for the drug to kick in.
XXXXX
Against what Sasha had thought, her talk with Levi did make her feel better. Having gone over it a few times, she'd come to the conclusion that he was right. If Nikolo never showed up, hypothetically of course because he would, but in case he didn't, then Sasha didn't need to feel guilty. And when he did come back, she could just apologize. He might get a little offended, but they'd get over it. They've forgiven each other for worse things, far worse.
"You're looking better now" Samuel suddenly comments.
"Hm?"
"You've just been looking a little down lately, but not anymore" the man clarifies with a shrug "Did something good happen?"
"Hmm… not really?" it came out like a question "Something was bothering me, but I talked about it to Captain Levi and things got a bit clearer."
Samuel raised an eyebrow.
"Something serious?"
Sasha hesitates. Should she tell him? She wasn't in the mood to argue about this, so-
"Kinda, but it wasn't work related, so don't worry" she says "No trouble in sight!"
"You asked for Captain Levi's help in personal problems?" at Sasha's sheepish grin, Samuel groans "…Okay, I don't think I even want to know."
"You'd probably be more weirded out if you knew what the problem was" Sasha snorts. Part of her actually considers telling him; the look on his face might very well be worth it.
"Say, we're both off-duty after 7 pm, aren't we?" Samuel asks suddenly, changing the subject.
"Pretty sure we are" Sasha says, her attention suddenly diverted by a loud noise to her right. They both stop, but after seeing that it was just some crates toppling over and people were already running to fix the issue, she continues walking and Samuel follows "Why?"
"You know that hill that looks over the harbor in the East?" Sasha nods, puzzled "Come there at 9 pm, alright?"
"…Sure" Sasha had no idea what he was getting at "Why?"
"You'll see then" he says "And don't eat dinner, okay?"
"WHAT!?" Sasha screeched, getting a few curious and alarmed looks. Most soldiers of their own continued with their business as soon as they saw who had yelled, but the Marleyans kept staring. Embarrassed as she realized this, Sasha called out: "Sorry, all good! Continue!"
Few still kept staring after that, but Sasha paid them no mind. She had more important things to take care of, now.
"What do you mean don't eat dinner?" Sasha repeated, paying extra attention in to not yelling it "There's no way I'm skipping it!"
"Alright alright! Gee, guess I should've known better than to ask that of you" Samuel says with a sigh, but somehow, he doesn't sound nearly as annoyed as she would've expected "Then, don't eat seconds?"
Sasha stares.
"…No thirds?"
"That I can promise" she relents, but she's not happy with it "Whatever you have in mind better be important!"
"Don't worry; I promise that it's worth it" Samuel tells her with a grin "But now we better focus on work before the captain notices and makes us work overtime or something."
XXXXX
Nikolo's mind is foggy. It wasn't like that all the time, he knew it wasn't, but right now, it was. Why was it so again? He couldn't remember, but he did recall that it was not a good thing. But why not? What was he forgetting again? …Did it even matter?
"Focus, focus…" he muttered to himself. He had to focus; he was sure that whatever he was forgetting was important. But whatever it was, it couldn't reach his mind as he stared at the ceiling through his blurry eyes. Was he supposed to meet up with someone? Be somewhere? …Actually, where was he right now? He couldn't remember even that…
He heard someone talk, and the voice was familiar. Very familiar; foggy as his mind was, he'd recognize Ulrich's voice anywhere. He was being loud, but Nikolo was having a hard time making out exactly what his brother was saying. Gosh, couldn't he just shut up if he wasn't even going to talk clearly!?
Another voice. This one, he took a moment longer to recognize, but when he did, it was clear who it was. His father, his father was here, too. That was no good; his father shouldn't see him this disoriented. He was already enough of a disappointment to the man as he was; he didn't want to make things worse. He had to pay attention to what his father said, but couldn't make out the words, just like he couldn't with his brother. Since he had the same problem with both of them, maybe they weren't the problem; maybe it was him. That would make sense, actually, with his foggy mind and all. Yes, the problem was Nikolo himself. Why was he like this again? …No, he had already concluded that he didn't remember, so that wasn't important right now. What was important was not being like this; he had to get himself together.
Mind made up; he pushes himself to a sitting position. His body feels a little numb, he feels dizzy and the room spins, but he manages to stay sitting up. The hand supporting his back probably has something to with it though… whose hand is it, again? He turns his head to check, and while his vision isn't perfect, he can tell its Ulrich.
"You okay, Nicky?" for once, the man speaks clearly. Or not for once; Nikolo had just concluded that their speech wasn't the problem, his ability to understand it was. But now he had understood, or at least he had heard something that made sense. Surely that must mean that he had indeed understood what had been said. Good, that was good. But what his brother was saying wasn't all that important, not really. It was his father he had to pay attention to, and he was talking again. He was talking, but Nikolo still couldn't make out the words. Was it because the man was further away than Ulrich, and wasn't talking directly to him? Who was his father talking to, anyway?
Nikolo squints his eyes, seeing a fourth person in the room too, one that he hadn't noticed before. He knows he has heard the man's voice before, but who he was, the former soldier wasn't sure. Something in his memories reminds him that he mustn't trust this man in a white coat, though… white coat? A doctor, then? Yes, he was pretty sure the man in a white coat was a doctor. But why shouldn't he trust a doctor? He must be forgetting something really important here…
"Nicky?"
He turns his attention back to Ulrich. He had the man's attention, so now was definitely a good time to speak.
"Gotta… tell you something…" he manages to let out, and realizes it's true. There's something important he should tell his family, he's sure of it now, but what was it again? His mind is too foggy…
"What is it, Nicky?"
What indeed? He tries to remember, he tries very hard, but the right words just won't surface.
"Can't… remember…"
And with that, the fog overtakes his mind once more.
XXXXX
Sasha had eaten seconds at dinner, but not thirds, like she had promised. She didn't know what Samuel had in mind, but in case there was some heavy tasks waiting for her, she didn't want to be slowed down by a too full stomach. It was weird, though. If Samuel had been ordered to handle something by the higher ups and couldn't handle it himself, he could've just asked help from the recruits. Did he not want to lose face? Or was this about something else entirely?
"Maybe he has found out something suspicious, about the Marleayns or one of ours, and wanted to talk about it out of earshot?" that would make sense. While the man wasn't part of their inner circle that Hanji had summoned to gather, Samuel was perspective; he could very well be keeping an eye on things on his own and gotten some results "But the "don't eat dinner" really doesn't fit the picture."
Or did it? Maybe he planned that they'd tail someone and he didn't want Sasha to be slowed down by a too full stomach?
"But he knows me better than that; I'm slower if I'm hungry!" there was no way Samuel didn't know that "Well, just gotta go and see."
As she climbed up the hill, at this point she really had no idea anymore of what she was expecting, but when she got there, she realized that she'd been wrong all along. What she saw was a well set up picnic, lanterns lighting up the otherwise dark place. It's not like she hadn't noticed the light while climbing up, but she had just assumed it to be there for whatever Samuel was planning. Her eyes went over the food set up, it explained the thing about not eating dinner, and then the eating utensils. This was a set up for two.
"Uh oh" Sasha was no expert, but she'd have to be a moron to mistake this for anything else than a date. Oh boy.
It's not that she didn't like Samuel; he was a good friend and comrade, but she didn't like him like this. No, in her heart there was room for only one man, and that man was not Samuel.
"Surprise" Sasha jumped a little at the voice. Right, of course Samuel himself was there, too. She'd noticed of course, but hadn't really properly registered his presence. She supposed that was the same as not noticing "What do you think?"
Sasha kept her gaze locked to the picnic, eyes not meeting Samuel's. What was she supposed to say or do? Would it be rude to refuse to eat with him? But wouldn't it be even ruder to eat when she knew she would just turn him down? How could she turn him down without ruining their friendship? …No, Samuel was not that petty; he wouldn't recent her just because she turned him down. His feelings would be hurt, and that was unfortunate for them both, but he'd understand, wouldn't he?
"Sasha?"
She finally looked up, meeting Samuel's gaze. The look on her face must've been all telling, for when she did, Samuel's face slowly fell too, even though he kept his eyes locked on hers.
"…I take it that I was a fool for thinking this'd impress you" he says, and Sasha hurries to shake her head.
"No no, not at all!" she says "I am impressed, and flattered, really, but this just- I'm not- "
She stops, not knowing what to say. Was it alright to just blurt out that she was in love with another? Surely, that wasn't appropriate.
"Jean said not to do this, you know" Samuel says when she doesn't continue, making Sasha freeze "Said that you were in love with another, and that this'd be a wasted attempt. Guess he was right, huh?"
Sasha averts her gaze.
"Yeah…" she admits. She wasn't sure what to think of Jean's meddling, but that didn't matter right now. It was a problem for another time "I'm sorry, but that's how it is. I do care about you, but simply as a friend and a comrade. You and I, we're not- we can't- "
"I get it" Samuel interrupts, sighing. Sasha hears him sit down "It's not like I haven't heard the things people say about you and that Marleyan, or seen how you always expect him to arrive when a new ship comes."
Sasha's head shoots up in shock as she stares at him.
"You know!?" she asks in disbelief, gesturing to everything around them "Then why all this!?"
"I didn't want to believe it to be that serious" he shrugs, easily admitting it "I thought that, when he kept from showing up, your feelings would eventually die down. I thought that they would have already, but guess I was wrong."
"Yeah, you were" she says "I'm sorry."
"For what? For falling in love?" Samuel snorts "That's the last thing anyone should be sorry about… even if the target of your love is a jerk."
Sasha glared, immediately forgetting that she'd been feeling sorry for the man.
"The hell's that supposed to mean? You don't even know him!" she stomped over the picnic blanket to him, lifting him up from his collar "Did Jean tell you to say that!?"
"Calm down" Samuel said, freeing himself from the woman's grasp. He didn't look sorry or upset, more like amused. It made Sasha even angrier "I'm just saying that if he was really coming back like he promised to, wouldn't he have done so by now?"
"He'll be back" she said "Something's holding him from keeping his promise right now, but in the end, he'll be back. I know he will."
She was glaring at him as he stared back calmly. If he said something rude again, she was sure she'd throw a punch. She almost did when Samuel chuckled again.
"You're madly in love, aren't you?" he says, and Sasha blushes, but doesn't deny it. Samuel sits down again "I get it, I lost."
Sasha keeps glaring, not knowing what else to do. Samuel gestures to the other side of the blanket.
"Sit down and eat" he says "We can't let the food go to waste, can we?"
Sasha bit her lip.
"I told you, I- "
"I know" Samuel interrupts, holding his hand up "I know, and I get it. But like I said, we shouldn't let the food go to waste, should we? Just eat, and after tonight, we can both forget we ever had this conversation."
Sasha does sit down, hesitantly. She knows that even if neither of them never brings this up, neither of them will be forgetting it any time soon. She wonders if it's wrong of her to think that Samuel will have even harder time forgetting than her.
The man raises his glass, which he poured a drink to. Sasha notices that it's not alcohol, but that's to be expected as they both have work the next day. He fills another glass, handing it to Sasha, who takes it hesitantly.
"This wasn't my original plan, but" he tilts his glass towards Sasha's "To friendship?"
It was a toast Sasha could not refuse from.
"To friendship"
One that she hoped would last.
XXXXX
Nikolo's head was clear again. Or at least clearer; he wasn't sure if the effects of the drug had worn off completely or not. His body certainly still felt a little numb, but he supposed that it was meant to recover slower than his mind. He could remember that Ulrich had been there, and probably his father, too. He remembered that he had definitely said something, but wasn't sure what. For all he knew, all that had come out could have been complete gibberish.
"I'm playing right in to Becker's hands" he knew. But what else could he do? As far as he knew, there was no way for him to stop it, no way to protect himself from the drug. No matter how hard he tried to think, he saw no way of making the situation any better, and he highly doubted it'd be just because there was a drug messing with his system.
But this wasn't that bad, now, was it? He'd been in situations he couldn't control at all before too, yet this time, he didn't have to fear for his life. That meant that he'd gotten through worse, far worse. There was no reason to panic or lose hope; he'd come up with something, eventually. Or perhaps the doctor would make some mistake that would give him an opening.
Nikolo pushed himself in to a sitting position. His head didn't spin, it had before but not this time, yet his body still felt stiff. He might not have any idea of what to do now, but when he finally did, he wanted to be in the shape to pull through with whatever plan he came up with. And for that, he knew he had to resume physical training.
He started with pushups. It was harder than he'd thought it'd be, and to his shame he realized that it wasn't just because of the drugs. He'd been inactive for too long; he'd let himself slip. He had to make up for the lost time. He did sit ups after it, and squats after that. When he had exhausted himself so much that he could no longer go on, he couldn't blame his numbness on the drugs anymore. He'd overdone it. He'd overdone it, but it wasn't necessarily a bad thing, he told himself. He had a better grasp of his limits now, and he'd been able to let some steam out. His head felt clearer, too. He might not have a plan now, might not have one for a long time, but he had something to do. He'd set up a routine, and he'd stay in shape in order to act the moment a chance presented itself.
He just had to be patient.
XXXXX
The next day of work with Samuel had been awkward for Sasha. He didn't bring up the night before, neither did she, and outwardly, she was sure they looked like nothing had changed, like nothing had happened, but Sasha knew better. She didn't know how to put it in words, but the atmosphere around them had simply felt so awkward. Had Samuel felt it too, or had it just been her? Why did she feel that way, anyway? Samuel had said they could just forget the whole thing, so she didn't need to feel guilt for hurting his feelings, right?
"Ugh, at least it's over now!" she told herself "Maybe things will feel awkward for a few days, or few weeks if we're really unlucky, but things will go back to normal eventually, right?"
She sure hoped so.
"Well, that's a problem of another time. Now for the other thing I heard about yesterday" determined, she knocks on Jean's door. By now, he should have retreated to his room, even if he still had paperwork or something to do for the night.
"Come in" Jean calls, and sure enough, Sasha finds him at his desk, which is buried with paperwork. She wonders if he'll get his own office when he'll finally return to the HQ.
"What did you say to Samuel?" she blurts out, going straight to the point. Maybe she should've been a bit more polite… well, luckily this was just Jean. He's seen her at her worst; he wouldn't be faced by a little lack of manners.
Jean looks up, surprised.
"Hello to you too" he says "Care to be a bit more specific?"
"You know what I mean" she says, shutting the door "You knew he was going to set up a date!"
Jean grimaces.
"He went and did it anyway, huh…" he mutters, rubbing his temples "Just so that we're clear, I told him not to do it. I knew you wouldn't be interested and that it could cause problems" he pauses "Has it?"
"No, not really" Sasha supposed she owes him that reassurance "The air feels awkward, but other than that, no."
"All's good?" Jean asks, crossing his arms as he leans back on his chair "Then what's the problem?"
"You meddling with my private life is the problem!" Sasha hisses "How can you not see anything wrong with that?"
Jean stared at her, clearly unimpressed.
"I just talked with a friend" he said "Just like you did when you talked with Hitch."
Sasha's about to retort, but cuts herself off as she realizes that what Jean said made sense. She blushes.
"…Guess I'm being a bit of a hypocrite" she says "Sorry."
"Apology accepted" Jean says, stretching "And it's not like I told him anything that he didn't already know; it's more like I confirmed things for him. He'd already heard things about you and Nikolo and read some others between the lines."
Right, of course, people talked. And if she thought about it just a little bit, she realized that she must've said some things that were quite telling, too. Noticing Jean watching her with an unreadable expression, she asked: "What?"
He seemed to hesitate, but in the end, he said: "To be honest, while I knew it was unlikely, I kinda hoped that Samuel would succeed."
Sasha scowled.
"Somehow I'm not even surprised anymore" she said, crossing her arms. Jean's attitude just ticked her off more and more as time went by "What's with you, anyway? I thought Nikolo was your friend, too!"
"He was- is" Jean quickly corrected himself "He is."
"Then why can't you just have faith in him? Why can't you trust him!?" Sasha yelled, clenching her fists. As she did, she wordlessly scolded herself for being a hypocrite. She had her doubts, too; she had no right to be mad at Jean for doubting Nikolo. And yet-
"This isn't just about him, okay!?" Jean yells as he slams his hands on the table, standing up. Sasha's startled by the sudden burst of anger as she stares at Jean with wide eyes "This is also about you, and this goddamn war ridden world we live in!"
She doesn't move when he walks over.
"Yes, that guy's my friend, but so are you and you're much more important to me than he is! You're my family, and I can't stand watching how you suffer due to his absence!" Jean's holding her shoulders as he speaks, and she stands there frozen, looking up at him. He takes a deep breath, continuing once he's calmer: "It's not like I believe he doesn't want to come back. I'm not blind, Sasha; over the years, I saw how important you are to him. He wouldn't betray his promise if he could help it."
He looks straight in to her eyes.
"The fact that he's not here yet and hasn't sent any kind of message means he hasn't been able to come or send a word to us" he says "Marley is a big place; for all we know, he might've died at the frontlines somewhere else!"
"He's alive" Sasha protests, but they're empty words. She knows there's a good chance that Jean's right, but she refuses to let the tears fall "He's alive, and he'll be back, eventually. One day."
"I'm not saying it's impossible" Jean says, squeezing her shoulders "And I'm not saying you should forget about him. But you need to learn to live with the possibility that he won't come back!"
They stare at each other, and once Sasha feels that she can no longer keep the tears in, she pushes Jean away. Turning on her heels, she opens the door and runs.
