Chapter 45

Thirteen years since the battle of Shiganshina. Well, almost thirteen; they were a few days short, but they couldn't risk waiting for the exact day in case Armin would die an unplanned death. That's why, the day of passing on the Colossal Titan was scheduled to be tomorrow.

Sasha hated it.

She knew it was necessary; they needed the power, and if they didn't do it, it would end up in the hands of some newborn Eldian, one that was outside the island if they were unlucky. And they couldn't have that, she knew, but even so, the fact that there was a schedule for her friend's death sent chills down her spine.

And it was scheduled to be tomorrow.

Tomorrow, they all had to say goodbye to Armin, and it just wasn't fair. First Eren and now him? Sasha felt like screaming, but she didn't. She had to keep her act together, for she knew she was not the one suffering of this situation the most. Armin himself was scared, naturally, but she knew he'd been preparing for this for years. But the one she was worried about the most wasn't him; it was Mikasa. While Sasha could no longer do anything for Armin, their scarf wearing friend still had years ahead of her.

Years without her two closest friends who had been like family to her, no, who had been her family. Armin had been there for Mikasa when Eren died, but now? Now it'd be up to Sasha and the squad, and she had no idea what to say or do when the time came.

"Yo" Connie's face popped in to her line of sight, startling her "What're you doing up here on your own?"

"Just… trying to gather my thoughts" she admitted. Suddenly, she got an urge to let it all out on someone, and Connie was right there like on a silver platter "I know I should be down there, for Armin's sake, but I also know that I shouldn't let him see me down; it'd make him feel guilty and sadder than he already definitely is, and I don't want that!"

A moment of silence follows as Connie just stares at her.

"Well, obviously not" he says, more than just his head entering Sasha's line of sight as he climbed up to the roof all the way, coming to sit next to her "But that's not all there is to it, is it?"

Sasha raised an eyebrow.

"When did you get so perspective?"

"I'm not, not really" Connie shrugs "You're just easy to read for me, you and Jean both."

Sasha gives a smile, but she's sure it's a sad one, for that's how she feels.

"…The three of us have been through a lot together, huh" of course, it went without saying. Sasha draws her knees closer to her chest "And so had Eren, Armin and Mikasa."

Connie is silent for a moment, and Sasha can feel his eyes on her, but she doesn't turn to look at him, her gaze downwards slightly as she stares ahead.

"…You're worried about Mikasa" Connie concluded. He sighs "Can't blame you, and it's not like the rest of us aren't. She's keeping herself together well now, but once Armin's truly gone…"

Connie trails off, and Sasha didn't like it. He had matured over the years, just like she had, and at the moment she wasn't sure if she liked that, either. The Connie from their youth would've probably been very optimistic, easily saying that they would take care of Mikasa, and right now Sasha would've wanted to hear something like that, even though she knew she would've been skeptic about it.

"After he's gone, it's up to us to take care of Mikasa" Sasha says "I know Armin's death will hurt her more, hurt her the most, but the rest of us will be hurt, too. I'll be hurt, and I don't know if I can keep myself together when I need to comfort her. But if she sees me upset, she'll get more upset, too. I just don't- "

"Sasha, stop" Connie interrupts. She looks at him, puzzled "Don't make it overly complicated; it's the thought that counts. Mikasa knows that. And Armin's our friend too, so we have the right to mourn just as much as she does. Mikasa knows that, too, so once he's gone, it's not just up to you to support her; you'll be supporting each other. We'll all be supporting each other."

In moments like these, Sasha could understand what her sister saw in Connie.

"You saying things like this really helps me understand that we are adults; you sound so wise" she says "It's comforting in its own way."

"Since it's Connie, I just think it's creepy"

Sasha squeaks, and no matter how much Connie would deny it later, she'd swear he did, too. She sees Jean with one arm propped on the roof, the other still holding on to the ladder.

"Shit dude; we could've fallen off the roof due to fright!" Connie scolds and Sasha nods along "Never do that again!"

Sasha can't tell for sure thanks to the darkness around them, but she's pretty sure Jean's rolling his eyes, because that's the way he was.

"Forgive me for thinking that two war veterans wouldn't get spooked so easily"

Sasha blushes, but she doubts either of the guys, or at least Jean, can tell.

"We aren't in the field!" she snaps, and she can hear Connie back her up with a "Yeah!"

"Still, one would think you'd have better instincts" Jean says as he climbs up all the way to the roof "Especially you, Miss Hunter."

Not having a good come back for that, Sasha just stuck her tongue out. Connie was making a face at Jean too, pulling his eyelid while he was at it. And to think he'd seemed so wise and mature just a few seconds ago…

"So, is everything okay, you two?" Jean asks, and as he gets closer, Sasha notes that his face has turned serious. She casts a glance at Connie, but he's looking at her with eyebrow raised, and she knows Jean won't miss that. Well, he had probably noticed that she had left first anyway, or he might've even been the one to send Connie after her. With a sigh, she decides to just go with the truth.

"Armin's dying tomorrow" she says, drawing her knees closer to her chest as she looks down, away from the guys "So no, everything's not okay."

She's not watching, but she can hear Jean move closer, and she can tell when he sits down next to her, trapping her between himself and Connie.

"Fair enough" the man says, but stays silent after that. Sasha bites her lip, wondering if he's waiting for her to say something or if he's waiting until they're ready to go back inside. Either way, the silence doesn't sit well with her; she has to break it.

"Mikasa's going to be heartbroken" she says.

"I know" Jean said "It was the same when Eren died."

"But Armin was there for her back then!" Sasha cries out, glaring at Jean despite knowing full well that nothing about the current situation is his fault "But this time-!"

"We'll be here" Jean cuts her off, glaring back "We'll be here for her, as long as she needs us. She's going to take a while to recover, a long while, longer than she did when Eren died, but she'll get through, she'll learn to live without him. We'll all- "

Jean chokes as words fail him, and tears start falling down his cheeks. Sasha recoils, immediately feeling bad; she hadn't even noticed that Jean had been holding back tears!

"Jean- "

"We'll all learn to live without him" Jean looks straight at her and Connie as he says this, his tears falling freely. When they were younger, he would've turned away and furiously tried to wipe them away as soon as he noticed. But not anymore, and again, Sasha's not sure if she likes her friend's growth. It's unsettling to see someone as strong as Jean openly crying like this "We have no choice, do we?"

She knows it's not a question he expects an answer to, so Sasha simply wraps her arms around him, saying nothing at all. Jean leans in to her embrace, and she can feel Connie wrap his arms around the both of them, too. She doesn't know how long they sit there like that; she's not paying any attention to the passing time. Eventually, it's Jean who pulls away first. He blinks and taps his face, trying to make the signs of crying fade away, unsuccessfully, but Sasha knows it's not them he's trying to hide from.

"Ready to head back?" he asks, to which Connie comments that they should be asking that from him, getting a glare from Jean. Knowing that they really should be heading back, Sasha decides to act the grown up for once, assuring Jean that yes, they were ready to head back. They went down the ladder one by one, but Sasha couldn't determine if it was because they didn't trust the old thing to hold more weight at once or because they all wanted to drag this on just a little more before they'd have to return to the others.

"You guys go ahead" Jean said just as they reached the door "I need to go wash my face."

They parted ways, and as soon as Sasha and Connie went inside, Hanji walked up to them.

"There you two are!" she said, frowning right after "Where's Jean?"

"Bathroom break" Connie answered without missing a beat before Sasha could really even begin to wonder if she should tell the truth or lie for Jean's pride's sake. But Connie got ahead of her, so lie it was. A lie that was perfectly possible and not odd at all, and yet, Hanji was looking at them suspiciously. Sasha wondered if it was her fault; did she look uncomfortable?

"He'll be back soon" she blurted out without thinking.

"…I'm sure he will" Hanji said. The tone of her voice and that serious look on her face told Sasha the commander didn't believe them, but thankfully, she trusted them enough not to pry "Armin mentioned he needed to talk to you, Sasha."

Sasha's eyebrows rose in surprise, but of course, she would go.

"Just Sasha or…?" Connie asked. If the answer was negative, Sasha guessed he'd probably follow her.

"He didn't say, but it sounded like it could be serious" Hanji adjusts her glasses, looking troubled "Then again, considering what day today is…"

"Of course, he'd look serious" Sasha finishes. She scans the relatively brightly lit hall, electricity was a wonderful thing sometimes, really, and spots the fragile form of Armin at a corner table, talking with Historia. Sasha winces; that's another goodbye they would eventually have to prepare for. But not now, not today. This night was about Armin.

As she heads over, she notes that maybe he wanted to talk to everyone separately, for everyone else were a respectable distance away from the two blonds right now. Of course, it could be just a coincidence that Mikasa and the captain were over at the buffet table, seeming to be arguing about something, and not with Armin and Historia. Sasha could've figured what it was they were talking about without going over if she'd focused on listening, but she didn't care right now. Besides, if things got too heated, Onyankopon would surely handle it. He already looked like he wanted to interfere, standing near the two with a hand half raised, like he was hesitating about interrupting the Ackermans.

Aside from them, the place is pretty empty. There'd been more people during the day, mostly scouts, but as the night dragged on, more and more people left, eventually only those closest to Armin remaining. Then again, they might've done it on purpose.

"Hi guys" Sasha greets the duo before addressing Armin "Hanji said you wanted to talk?"

Historia takes that as her cue to leave, which must've meant that she knew he wanted to talk to her alone. She wondered if the other woman knew what this was about, but there was no point in asking; she was about to find out, after all.

"Yeah, if you don't mind"

Why would Sasha mind? Was this going to be an uncomfortable talk? Did Armin have something to say that he knew she wouldn't like? Judging from the face he was making, that really might be the case, Sasha realized. Damn.

"But tonight, I'm in no position to complain; I have to listen to whatever it he has to say. This is the last time, after all"

"Of course, not" she says as she sits across from her friend, hoping that her nervousness or her earlier feelings of sadness didn't show on her face "What is it?"

Armin, who always had a plan, always thought things through, seemed to be wondering how to say whatever it was that he wanted to say. To inexperienced eyes it would've looked like he was taking his time on purpose, but by now, Sasha knew better than that.

"I checked from Jean earlier today" he starts "There still hasn't been any word from Nikolo, has there?"

It's not really a question, especially since he'd already asked from Jean. It's just a conversation starter, one that Sasha doesn't like. She hadn't thought of Nikolo for a few days, and now was a really bad time to start again; this night was supposed to be about Armin. In her mind, Sasha curses Jean slightly. Things had been hard between the two of them for a while after Jean pretty much told her to forget Nikolo, but the atmosphere between them had gotten back to normal. Almost, at least; it was like they had an unspoken agreement to not speak of Nikolo in front of each other, and if someone brought him up while they were both there, Sasha tended to avoid Jean's gaze.

But since Armin's the one who brought him up, Sasha couldn't just change the subject.

"Yeah, there hasn't" she says, trying to sound casual. The fact upset her, and she was sure Armin knew that, but the less she let it show, the less likely it would be that the blond would use a part of his last night to comfort her. Or to feel guilty about making her upset; she definitely didn't want that.

His last night. A year ago, he'd still looked perfectly fine; she had only been able to spot a white strand or two in his hair when she had looked really closely, but now his hair had gone light grey completely. His cheeks had hollowed out, too, and he couldn't move around the way a man in his late twenties should. In fact, he moved and looked like a man ready for retirement.

Wanting to get those sad thoughts out of her head, Sasha returns to the subject at hand: "Maybe his superiors aren't letting him return here for some reason… like, maybe they fear he's too traumatized?"

Not that it wasn't possible, Sasha knows; the MPs had really given him a hard time. Maybe hard enough that he wouldn't return due to fear of it happening again.

"Stupid stupid stupid!" Sasha chides herself "Don't think like that; he promised to come back!"

She shakes her head to get the idea out of her head, but she knows it'll only fade to the background for now. It was stuck in her head, probably either until Nikolo came back or she got some worse idea to get stuck on. When her gaze focuses on Armin again, she sees him carrying an amused look on his face.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"…No deal" Sasha decides, and Armin laughs. The amusement still lingering on his tired face, he asks: "Do you still believe he'll come back?"

"Yes" Sasha hisses, offended, though she's been getting more and more unsure as time has gone by. What about Armin? He used to be the one with most faith in Nikolo's return in the squad aside from her, but did he now think the same as Connie and Jean? Did he think Nikolo wouldn't come back at all?

"You don't sound as sure of it as you used to" Armin points out and Sasha grimaces, cursing her friend's observation skills.

"…I'm not" she admits after a moment of silence. What would be the point of lying, anyway? Armin would be dead soon; he probably didn't want to waste the precious time he had left by gossiping about Sasha's problems.

She felt horrible for thinking about it like that.

"I want to believe that he'll come back" Sasha ends up saying, knowing that she shouldn't waste Armin's time on talking about Nikolo, but to her defense, it had been him who brought the subject up "But it's already been a few years, and he hasn't even sent a word or a letter to any of us! I get that he can't write just anything in case someone else would read the letter, but just something that would let us know that he's okay should be possible, right? So, why hasn't he written something like that!?"

Sasha knew her voice had risen towards the end. If she turned her head now, she'd probably see at least someone looking at her. Probably Mikasa, always concerned for both her and Armin. Or the captain, annoyed by the noise. Or Jean, probably back by now, wondering what she was getting herself in to this time and if he should interfere. Or maybe she'd drawn the attention of everyone in the room. Certainly, wouldn't be the first time.

"For all we know, he might have tried and it just didn't get here" Armin points out, and Sasha focuses on his words, clinging on every single one of them "Maybe there was a fault in the mailing system. Maybe no one's allowed to send letters here. Maybe he wrote something, but wrong people found out and demanded an explanation."

That'd be the worst; Nikolo getting in trouble for trying to contact her. Not contacting her at all was certainly better than that.

"If he came back tomorrow, what would you say to him?"

"What?" Sasha asks. She'd heard the question, yet that was all she managed to answer.

"If he came back, what would you say, what would you do?"

Sasha bit her lip, frowning in thought. What would she say? She had decided to confess her love the next time she saw Nikolo, but it's not like she could blurt that out the first thing when he got in to hearing range, could she? And what would she do? She'd want to hug him, and if it was just Eldians around, she definitely would, but if there were Marleyans, it'd probably be a bad idea; Nikolo would get in to trouble, wouldn't he? He might even act offended and grossed out to keep them from suspecting anything. Sasha shuddered at the thought.

"A hard question, isn't it?" Armin pulls her out of her thoughts. She blushes.

"Yeah…"

"So, I'm sure it's hard for him, too" Armin says "Even if he came back, what would happen after? He'd be here for three months like the other Marleyans, then leave without being able to come back for who knows how long."

Sasha opens her mouth, yet closes it without saying anything. It's not like she hadn't thought of that, but just seeing him again once would surely help her clear her head. She'd get real, undeniable proof that he wanted to come back and she could confess to him. Then, they could figure out together how to go from there.

She voices her thoughts to Armin.

"That would be one way to go about it" he admits "But while Nikolo has a history of acting on impulse, he's hopefully abandoned that habit by now. In fact, he might be taking so long because he wants to have a plan to share once he comes back."

Sasha's eyes widened; she hadn't thought of it like that at all, but maybe it was true? Maybe Nikolo was taking so long because he was working hard on the preparations of… something. She wasn't smart enough to come up with any theories of what he might be doing, but Armin was, and that's why he'd thought of it.

"That's one option, at least" the blond says, not sounding too happy, and Sasha blinks. Studying Armin's serious face, she realizes that whatever he'll say next is going to be something she won't like.

"…What's the other option you have in mind?" she asks. Her insides churn; she thought Armin was on her side in this!

Is it her imagination, or did Armin's eyes hold pity for her?

"There's also the possibility that he's no longer alive"

Sasha felt all color drain from her face. Hearing it from the pessimistic Jean was one thing, but from Armin? It's not like she hadn't considered it; Nikolo was a soldier after all and even if Marley wasn't at war right now, there were always some kinds of trouble around, so the possibility of something having happened to him sometimes fled through her mind… but hearing it like this, said by someone else again, especially by someone as smart as Armin, made the possibility seem more real.

"But… that's…" she stuttered; her mouth suddenly dry.

"It's not a possibility that I like to think, either, but it's something you should consider" Armin continues "I'm not saying that he is dead, but if it still takes years and you don't hear anything, then it really could be the case."

Sasha's not looking at Armin anymore, staring at her lap instead where she clenches the fabric of her skirt. She knows he has a point, and she knows the turmoil inside of her now isn't his fault, but she can't make herself to look at him right now. She's not sure if it's because she doesn't want him to see her upset face and make him feel guilty, or because she fears that if she does look at him, she'd end up blaming him for how she feels after all.

"But if he's still alive, I'm sure he's looking for a way to come back" Armin continues "He wouldn't go back on his word, not with you here."

Sasha blinks, only then realizing that she was close to tears. She blinks rapidly a few more times, trying to get the tears to stay back. She's successful, or at least that's how it feels, so she looks up at Armin.

"What, you don't think he's changed his mind?"

"He hasn't" Armin says without missing a beat. He's looking straight in to Sasha's eyes and doesn't seem to be lying, but then again, he's Armin. He could look someone in the eye and tell the biggest lie ever while doing so. But… "Had you died during the war, he probably wouldn't bother coming back even if he had said he would, but with you here, there's no doubt he'll try. We've talked about this before, haven't we? Nikolo's in love with you."

"…That could've changed during these years" Sasha had no idea why she said it. It was possible of course, but she wished it wasn't the case, and she would've probably gotten mad had someone else said it. But…

"Possible, of course" Armin says with a shrug "But unlikely. Since he fell for someone like you, it's unlikely that he'd meet someone else who'd suit his peculiar tastes any time soon."

"Hey!" Sasha protests, slamming her hands on the table as she stands up. Armin startles a little, but ends up laughing at his friend. Sasha's face flushes, and does so even more when Armin points out that if she wants to keep this conversation private, she should sit down and be a bit quieter. With a grumble, she does as the blond says.

"If he's alive, he's looking for a way back" Armin says, reaching over the table to take Sasha's hand in his "Never doubt that."

She had doubted that lately, and it made her feel even more guilty now that there was someone else not questioning the promise. And again, she scolds herself for it, telling herself that she should live with the captain's philosophy in mind when it came to this.

"…I'm just… so tired of waiting" Sasha confesses, averting her eyes from Armin's as tears start to gather in them again. Armin smiles, squeezing her hand "Patience was never your virtue."

Sasha lets out a shaky laugh, and once she does, she can no longer hold back the tears. She tries to clear them away with the sleeve of her free hand, but fails miserably.

"Geez, I'm such a mess, and today no less" she complains, sniffling "This was supposed to be your night, yet here I am, complaining about my own problems!"

"I'm the one who brought it up. I should've probably done it earlier, but with all that's been going on… well, it just didn't work out, so tonight I thought it was now or never" a pause, and then he snorts "Literally."

Sasha laughs too, though far more uncomfortably than her companion.

"Glad to see your sense of humor is still the same"

…Or not; Armin's humor tended to be a bit too dark for her tastes, but Sasha was glad that he was still acting like himself, even at a time like this.

"No, you're not"

"Busted, huh?" Sasha grins sheepishly, and this time she laughs for real. And so does Armin.

"What's so funny?" Jean asks as he joins them, sliding on to the bench next to Armin. Sasha grins.

"Oh nothing; we were just wondering who let the horse in. This isn't the stables, you know"

Jean groans, burying his face in his hands.

"Aren't we too old for this?" he asks "Potato girl."

"Hey!" Sasha protests at the old nickname, and Armin points out that she was basically asking for that one. She can't deny it, so she just huffs.

"Got any room for fourth?" Connie asks, sitting next to Sasha before he even gets his answer. Not that he'd been expecting one, she was sure. Mikasa and Historia join them, too, the former on their bench and the later on the opposite one.

"Make room for two more!" the commander calls out, dragging a grumbling Levi with her. As the two sat down on the smaller benches on the opposite ends of the table, Sasha notes from the corner of her eye that Onaynkopon and Hitch, who she hadn't even noticed to still be there, left the room. Now it was only what was left of the old, tight knit Levi squad and Hanji. That's how they spend the rest of the night, talking laughing, remembering the old days, both the good and bad. No one bothered to actually turn in for the night, all of them sleeping around the table when they got too tired.

All expected captain Levi and Armin, Sasha suspected. The two had still been up when she fell asleep, and already were when she awoke. She didn't think they slept at all. Not that it was unusual for the captain; she knew he had a lot of sleepless nights, but tonight, she suspected he hadn't even tried to sleep, deciding to keep company to Armin 'till the end, who in turn probably would have slept if he could've. Again, Sasha felt bad for him.

When Armin was eaten, or when he had his power passed down if one wanted to say it in a less horrifying way, Sasha was there. Later, she could not recall what she'd been thinking at the time, but the gruesome sight of an ugly ten-meter titan, born of an older Military Police officer, devouring her friend would be burned in to her mind for as long as she'd live.