'Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warning: None for this chapter.
Chapter 23 – Explanations
A thin strip of moonlight slipped through the bed curtains and fell across the closed eyelids of the dozing wizard. In response to the intrusion, a long-fingered hand emerged from the cocoon of covers and brushed at the offending light. It was testimony to how lightly the boy slept. With a groan, Sirius reached up and drew the curtains more tightly together, then flopped back onto his pillows. After several turns, twists and attempts at resettling himself, Sirius realized he was no closer to sleep now than he had been when he'd retired for the night. Muttering a quiet surrender, Sirius rose, glancing at the clock next to the bed as he did so. Three o'clock in the morning. Bloody hell! At least it was Sunday; Sirius doubted if he could have handled going to classes and actually focusing once there. Mindful of the soft snores coming from the other inhabitants of the room, Sirius quietly gathered clean clothing and a pair of trainers and headed to the showers. Ten minutes later, he closed the dorm room door softly behind him and walked silently down the stairs. Desperate for the sleep that had eluded him since he had pulled the bed curtains closed around him, Sirius knew that he was unlikely to get any rest until he could clear his mind. Perhaps time spent in the solitude of the pre-dawn Common Room would give him the chance to do so.
It was not to be.
Sirius stepped from the last stair into the silent room, the orange glow of the blazing hearth reflecting from the stone walls. A soft gasp from the direction of the sofa caught his attention; as his gaze shifted, his eyes landed on a very surprised Kate Morgan. His heart in his throat, he said the first thing that came to his mind.
"Please don't go."
Although she hadn't moved a muscle, Sirius approached her cautiously, as if Kate might jump up and sprint for the stairs to the girls' dormitory. Not quite daring to believe she would not do just that, he did not join her on the sofa; instead, he seated himself in an overstuffed chair a few feet away.
Kate remained silent. Once Sirius had settled into his seat, she turned her gaze to the hearth.
"I don't know where to start, but there's so much I want to say to you," Sirius said softly after several long moments had passed in silence. "So much I need to say. I've spent so much time trying to get the words straight in my head so everything would come out the way I want it to and now, sitting here, I can't remember any of it."
"I can't understand why it's not coming to you," Kate said, her voice oddly strained. "The words can't be foreign; surely, you must have said them hundreds of times before. Perhaps I can help you." Kate's voice took on a monotone sound as she intoned, "'I didn't make any promises; I didn't say I wouldn't see other girls. We had fun but it's time we started seeing other people'. Isn't that the way it goes?" Throughout her comments, Kate's gaze hadn't wavered from the crackling fire.
"No. I wouldn't say those things to you."
"Your actions have said them clearly enough."
"I know. That's what I want to explain to you," Sirius said quietly, realizing all at once that he had clearly misjudged the difficulty of the task before him.
Kate turned to look at him and Sirius caught his breath at the hurt in her eyes. "You want to explain your actions when I've just told you they delivered your message quite clearly – and you acknowledged that I'm correct? You're either the most redundant person I've ever known," she rose, "or the cruelest."
Sirius stood with her. "Kate, please. This whole thing has been cruel, I'll agree with you there, but I want that to end right now. Please don't go before you hear me out. Please give me the chance to explain everything to you. It's not what you think."
"Really? Well, given the fact that I've seen you and Ofelia Bullstrode together with my own eyes and the fact that I know you were … well, that you were with that Delilah Hornsby creature since returning to the school, persuading me that these are unreliable rumors seems a bit out of reach for you," Kate replied, but she did retake her seat.
"I'm not going to try to convince you that those things aren't true. That would be a lie and I won't lie to you," Sirius said quietly, dropping back into the chair.
"So, you were with Delilah and Ofelia …," Kate's voice trailed off, her expression miserable.
Sirius nodded. "Yes, I was with Delilah, but only because I wanted Ofelia to see us."
Kate's eyes widened and her eyebrows rose. "You wanted Ofelia to … why on earth would you…?"
Sirius nervously placed his palms against the chair arms, using them as braces as he lifted his body up enough to fold his long legs beneath him. When he'd resettled, he leaned forward, clasping his hands in his lap. "See, I sort of ran into Delilah when I was on my way to the courtyard that day and at first, all I wanted to do was get away from her – but then, it occurred to me that no girl would want to see her fiancé snogging another witch, so I figured – hey, this is brilliant – so I … what?"
Kate's face went white and her eyes glittered as she stared at the wizard. "Ofelia is your … fiancée?" Her voice sounded as if it was being dragged over glass.
"Oh," Sirius closed his eyes as he realized what had happened. Opening them, he found Kate still sitting there, staring back at him. "That's not the way I meant to tell you and it's not the whole …"
"Silencio!"
Sirius' hands flew to his throat as his voice simply – and quite suddenly – stopped. Both he and Kate turned in the direction of the voice and saw Remus standing on the bottom step of the dormitory stairs, his wand drawn and pointed at Sirius. "Calm down, Sirius," he said as the full impact of what had just happened hit the boy and his face colored in anger. "It's not permanent, after all." Remus replaced his wand in the pocket of his robes and stepped off the last stair into the room. He frowned when he caught sight of Kate's expression and ran his hand through his sleep-rumpled hair. Moving over to the sofa, he dropped onto the cushion at the opposite end. Sirius was staring at the werewolf, his expression incredulous as his mouth moved silently. Remus shook his head. "James heard you leave the dorm. He woke me and we decided to follow you. After what you told us about your afternoon, we reckoned that it couldn't hurt."
Remus yawned then turned as he caught movement from the corner of his eye.
"Please don't make me cast a Full Body Bind on you, Kate," he said wearily as the young witch moved to stand. She remained seated. Footsteps sounded on the stairs and then,
"Everything under control, Remus?" James' voice greeted them as he, too, entered the room. Sirius rolled his eyes and huffed silently, crossing his arms over his chest.
"For the moment. Would you like to begin?" the werewolf asked his friend.
James nodded, taking a seat on the coffee table in front of the sofa. As he did so, he heard Kate take a breath to speak. James held up his hand. "You're the last person who should be silenced, Kate; you've been through enough already thanks to this git over here," he inclined his head in Sirius' direction, a movement that was not well received by the "git". "But what Sirius needs to say to you is too important for you not to listen. I'll cast Silencio if you force me to, Kate; I won't like it – and I'll probably risk Lily's temper – but I'll do it. Right?"
Kate nodded her face still pale, her eyes too bright.
"Right," James said with a nod of his head. "Merlin, where to start?" He was quiet for a moment, then looked at Sirius and took a deep breath. "I'm just going to tell her straight out, mate, yeah?" Sirius searched James' hazel eyes and then, apparently finding what he sought, he nodded once.
James turned once again toward Kate. "When Sirius went home, things weren't … well, they weren't good. His parents are all about pureblooded superiority, preservation of the line and all that rot. Sirius here is a friend to half bloods, Muggle-born and blood traitors. He's also Gryffindor. He also doesn't pull birds from Slytherin; pulls 'em from other Houses. Doesn't make for happy family dinner conversations. The Blacks decided to reacquaint Sirius with family tradition and invited the Bullstrodes over to dinner one night. They're second cousins on the Black side which, given how Purebloods inter-marry, is practically like being unrelated." James ran his fingers through his impossible hair and smiled grimly. "There have been no marriages between this particular branch of the two families and so, to honor an agreement made a long time ago, Sirius' mother and father announced that Ofelia and Sirius were engaged." James paused. "Sort of. Her parents made Ofelia leave Beauxbatons and transfer here so the two of them could get to know each other this year. Sirius is supposed to stop his wild, romantic ways and focus on getting to know his future bride. Really focus, as in, exclusively. If he's seen with any other witches or, Merlin forbid – Muggles, there will be hell to pay. That meant you, too, Kate. Sirius was told, point blank, to have nothing to do with you." James paused, looking over at Sirius. The other boy was sitting as still as a statue, watching Kate intently. For her part, Kate was listening to James equally intently, her gaze fixed on his face.
"Remus, care to take it from here?"
Remus nodded. "Of course, none of this is acceptable and so, in an attempt to get out of the arranged marriage, Sirius devised what he thought to be a rather ingenious plan: instead of renouncing his wild ways, he'd 'up the ante' so to speak. He vowed to step up his activities with the fairer sex, which wasn't as difficult as one might assume since much of Sirius' 'reputation' is rather over-inflated, fueled as it is by innuendo and foolish rumors." Remus looked over at his friend to see Sirius mouth, "thank you," in his direction. He gave him a small smile before continuing. "Of course, the goal was to horrify Ofelia enough to make her run crying to her father who would, in turn, be compelled to dissolve the agreement with the Blacks. You, however, were a problem."
Kate frowned. "How…?" she stopped, looking up nervously at James who smiled and reached over to pat her hand.
"It's ok, Kate. Ask away. I won't hex you."
"You'd best not, James Potter," Lily stepped into the room, tying her Muggle bathrobe more securely around her. As she sat down next to Kate, Lily looked 'round the room before shrugging her shoulders. "I woke up and Kate was gone. She hasn't been having the easiest time of things since coming back so I went looking for her. I heard you all talking so I just waited on the stairs …,"
"Eavesdropping," James admonished. The others looked at the wizard in shock; it was the first time any of them had heard him speak to Lily in any way other than complete and total adoration.
Lily flushed to the roots of her equally red hair. "No! I just wanted to make sure Kate was alright before I went back to the dormitory. I would never…"
Kate reached over and squeezed her friend's hand. "It's alright, Lily. Really; I know you were just looking out for me." She turned to Remus. "Please, how do I enter into this?"
"Ofelia has a brother – 7th year Slytherin – who has been feeding stories about Sirius to their parents. They are aware that prior to the holidays, Sirius was spending a considerable amount of time with you – exclusively with you. Of course, Arturo – that's the brother – wasn't the only … yes, Sirius?"
Kate, Remus and James looked over at Sirius, who had waved his hands to get Remus' attention. He pointed to his throat, mouthing, "My turn. Please."
Remus glanced at James, who nodded. Remus withdrew his wand from his pocket and pointed it at Sirius. "Finite Incantatum".
Sirius cleared his throat as he felt the spell lift. "Thanks, mate. Listen, could we have a bit of privacy now? I think I can get through the rest without bollixing it all up."
Lily's eyebrows rose. "But I just got here! Besides, how do we know that you won't 'bollix it all up' … and hurt her again? How do we know you'll actually tell her the truth and not some version of it that will get you back into her good graces – until the next pretty little witch turns your head?"
"That's a bit harsh, Lily," Remus' tone was quiet, but steely. "Whilst you were 'listening' on the stairs earlier, you surely heard me tell Kate that Sirius' reputation has been blown quite out of proportion."
Lily flushed but was not ready to let it go. "Delilah. Hornsby. Ofelia. Bullstrode. They are not rumors, Remus; they are fact. And if you leave him alone with her, Sirius will concoct something to excuse his behavior and redeem …"
Sirius' face fell as he listened to Lily. I haven't given you much reason to trust me, have I, Katie? That ends now. He rose and walked the short distance to where Kate sat. He knelt down in front of her and looked into her eyes. "I have never told you a lie to make myself look better; in fact, before Remus and James came down to shut me up, I did quite a bad job of looking like anything other than a great, sodding prat. Lie to you? No. Never. Not like she says. But I'd like to explain why I've been acting like I have been – if you'll let me. And when I'm finished, if you still want nothing to do with me, I'll leave you alone. I promise. I just hope…" Sirius paused and shook his head slightly. "Not about do you say, Katie? Are you game?"
Kate looked around at the others: the concerned looks on the faces of James and Remus, indignation mixed with concern on Lily's and finally, returning her gaze to the boy in front of her, the sincerity she found in Sirius' eyes. She nodded. "I'm game."
Remus rose, taking Lily's arm as he did so. "Lily, why don't you go upstairs and dress and then the three of us will go down to the Great Hall and wait for breakfast? Perhaps we can convince the house elves to bring some coffee, yes?"
"I don't like this, Kate," Lily said, rising. She tapped Sirius' shoulder as she passed him. The wizard rose and turned to face her; Lily leaned forward and motioned him to do the same. When Sirius leaned down, Lily spoke quietly enough that only he could hear. "If you lie or otherwise hurt Kate, know this: when I find out what you've done, I will hunt you down and hex your bits off. Understand?"
Sirius' eyes widened and he nodded. As Lily started to move away, he caught her arm lightly and spoke in a voice that was as quiet as her own had been. "You've made it really obvious how you feel about me, ok? I haven't missed a bit of it. I know I'm not perfect, Evans – I grew up knowing that; and I already know I'm not nearly good enough for Kate. I don't need you reminding me, ok? But one thing I'd like you to remember: even though I'll never be perfect, I'm not the lying, sack-of-shit monster you seem to think that I am, ok? And I don't need you trying to convince Kate of it, either."
Lily snatched her arm from his grasp. "No, you can manage that quite well without my help, as you've so recently proven."
Sirius stepped back to allow the redhead to pass and watched as she crossed the Common Room. As he looked away from her retreating back, his glance fell on James' face; clearly, he'd observed – if not heard – the entire exchange between them. The bespectacled wizard's eyes were sympathetic. "Ok, Padfoot?" he mouthed, the ghost of a frown touching his lips. Sirius nodded shortly. "Go," he mouthed back.
Sirius waited until he heard Lily's footsteps on the stone staircase then turned and took Remus' former seat on the sofa. As the trio made their way through the portrait hole – and Lily cast one last backward glance at Kate – Sirius sat silently, considering all that remained to be said to the witch seated beside him.
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The portrait closed behind them and the three Gryffindors began the walk to the Great Hall. James fell in step with Remus; Lily's anger propelled her to walk a bit ahead of them and James did nothing to call her back. He knew from the rigidity of her posture and brisk pace that conversation was pointless.
Remus nudged him and inclined his head toward their companion. James shrugged and leaned toward his friend. "We'll let her walk off her mad," he whispered. "She might be ready to talk once we've sat down. I've got something to say that she needs to hear." Remus looked at him curiously, but said nothing. As they walked the last of the distance to the Hall, Remus found himself wondering which would be the more interesting conversation: the one taking place in the Common Room or the more unexpected confrontation that seemed destined to occur over breakfast.
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"Thanks," Sirius said quietly.
Kate nodded. "Go on, then."
"Ofelia's brother isn't the only one who's been telling my dear parents all about my activities at school. As you've seen for yourself, my cousins and I do not share a warm and loving relationship. They have been the source of some of the information, as well. My parents are not happy that you and I were … well, seeing each other," Sirius paused. "Does your family know mine or something? Only, I've never heard your name mentioned at all before I met you; but it came up over the holidays."
Kate felt a chill go through her as she recalled the stories her mother had shared. She shook her head. "I think they might have met once or twice. My mother was born and raised in England and my father moved to London when he and my mother married. Why? What did they say?"
Definitely not the time to be throwing comments like "coward" and "idiot" into the conversation, Sirius thought, cursing his inability to suppress his random thoughts and resolving to put this part of the conversation off until another time. He shook his head. "Nothing you wouldn't expect from them. You're not good enough for the Black family – you know the speech." Kate didn't look convinced and Sirius sighed. "Look, I don't want to talk about what my parents think, ok? If Salazar Slytherin's mother rose from the dead and landed in the middle of Grimmauld Place, they'd find fault with her, I swear it! Why does it matter what they said?"
Kate considered his words but soon nodded. There's no justice in holding this secret against him given the magnitude of her own confidences. "You're right, of course. You were saying?"
"It bothered me that they would single you out, Kate, so I wanted to come up with a plan that would get me out of this bloody engagement while making you stay as far away from me as possible. I figured that if you didn't hate me, Ofelia would think it was all an act and she wouldn't fall for it."
"So, Ofelia knows about me."
"Yes, actually. In fact, I don't think she thought much of my plan, either," Sirius said thoughtfully as he remembered his conversation with the girl the previous afternoon. "At least the part where I ignore you completely, pretend to shag every witch who would have me and make sure it gets back to you both." Sirius looked down at his hands for a long while before speaking again. "I was so … desperate, Katie; so stupid. I figured that once it all blew over I could explain everything and you'd be ok."
"Sirius, why didn't you just tell me? Send me an owl when you found out about this arranged marriage? If you didn't want to risk sending it to me from home, you could have owled once you returned to school," Kate asked him. "I could have pretended to be angry with you, you know; I could have been convincing."
Sirius lifted his head and Kate was struck by the sadness on his face. "I couldn't tell you, Kate. I couldn't send an owl from London; I was afraid they'd find out somehow. When I got back here, I … well, I couldn't do much right away. And, don't forget, by then, I'd come up with this bloody great plan of mine. I'm so sorry, Katie. Sorrier than you know."
Kate was silent as she considered all that she'd heard – and pondered what had not been said. Although she'd only known Sirius since the beginning of the school year, Kate had already figured out that the young wizard did not think things through when confronted with unexpected conflict. He was driven by emotion and a strong sense of self-preservation. As bizarre as it may seem to everyone else, Kate thought she understood his logic – or lack thereof. She just didn't understand what had triggered it. She remembered how he had behaved just before the holiday and all of the things he had said – and she had seen – about his family and home. There had to have been a connection.
"Kate?" Sirius' voice and expression were concerned.
"Sirius, what happened over the holiday?"
"What?"
"What happened to you at home? Over the holidays?" Kate pressed.
"Kate, I've told you what happened. My parents called in their chips with the Bullstrodes; the Bullstrodes threw in with my parents. Ofelia and I are supposed to be married. I thought you'd been paying attention," Sirius jumped up from his seat and began to pace in front of the sofa.
Kate shook her head and sighed lightly. "I was paying attention; more than you probably realize. Sirius, come here – please. Sit back down."
Once he had done so, Kate turned to face him. "Look, you want me to believe that your fiancée means nothing to you, right?"
"She doesn't, Katie. I don't …"
"And that Delilah Hornsby is a means to an end?"
Sirius frowned. "Yeah, but Katie, I don't…"
"But you didn't trust me enough to tell me all of that up front. And you don't trust me enough to tell me everything now. Somehow, that doesn't seem quite fair to me," Kate finished.
Sirius sighed and ran a shaky hand through his hair. He looked at Kate and nodded. "You're right. I'm asking you to trust me again; to believe all this bloody craziness. It's just that … Katie, it's not easy …" his voice trailed off and Sirius suddenly found that he couldn't look at her. This was a topic he never intended to share. The events of the holiday at home were just the tip of the iceberg. There had been other incidents; other "consequences" meted out at his mother's whim. His brain whirred with disjointed memories that were created long before he came to Hogwarts. How could he tell her these things? What would she think of him after hearing them?
Kate watched him silently, then reached over and stilled his fidgeting hands. "Trust me. I promise I won't judge you – whatever it is; I promise I won't say anything until you've finished. Please. Tell me."
Sirius looked at her intently. After a few moments, he took a deep breath. For the next thirty minutes, he shared with her the secrets had had never told anyone – not Remus; not even James. And although he edited, leaving out the episodes he couldn't bear to recall let alone recount, he, himself felt the original pain again. And a piece of him wondered how the witch before him could still want anything to do with him now that she knew the darkness that his life contained.
For her part, Kate could only hope that the horror that she felt did not show in her face as she listened to Sirius. So much of his behavior made sense to her now. Had she been in his place, Kate knew she would move mountains to make sure she didn't lose whatever normalcy she had in her life away from her home. The glimpses of the Blacks shared by Felicity filtered back to Kate as well and she realized anew that Sirius' family was nothing to be trifled with. If they would do this to their son, it would appear that their capacity for cruelty knew no bounds. No wonder Sirius' behavior was so unpredictable. But how much of that could she handle? But then her eyes went back to Sirius, still speaking softly – his nerves clearly reflected in his eyes. In that moment she knew. Even though it would take time for the sting of the past week to completely subside, Kate knew that her feelings for Sirius had not changed. While she would undoubtedly be more cautious about revealing those feelings, at least in the short term, Kate knew they would not change. Suddenly, Kate became aware that the room had gone very quiet and she looked up to see Sirius looking over at her.
"I'm sorry you got caught up in this; I'm sorry for hurting you," he said softly.
"I know," she replied. "I think I understand why it happened, though. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me."
Sirius nodded. "Am I forgiven? Or is it too soon for that?"
Kate shook her head. "I'll be honest with you; this past week really hurt. I don't want to go through anything like that again."
Sirius nodded and began to rise. "I understand. You know, James and Remus tried to tell me this would happen if I kept acting like a bloody git, but I knew everything. I am sorry, Katie. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I deserve what I get."
Kate reached out and caught his hand. "Sirius, wait. I'm not saying I don't forgive you. That would be cruel – and untrue – because I do accept your apology. I do forgive you. It's just…"
"…hard to forget the hurt."
"Yes," Kate agreed, her voice a bit sad. "But it doesn't mean that I won't. Or that I don't care for you."
Sirius gave her the first sincere smile she'd seen all evening. "Yeah? Really? Even after all the shite I've put you through this week?" His smile slid from his face. "Even after you heard about my family?"
Kate squeezed his hand. "You can't control your family. And, yes, I still care about you – even after this week. It's just going to take awhile to get back to normal."
"Take all the time you need, Kate," Sirius said, returning the pressure on her hand. "But there is one thing we have to figure out. "
"Ofelia and your parents."
"Ofelia and my parents. And Arturo. And Regulus," Sirius amended.
Kate stood. "Do you think it's still early enough to risk joining the others for breakfast without being seen by the Slytherins?"
Sirius nodded. "It's just five. I think we're safe. If not…"
"… I'll sit by myself and help save your reputation as a prat. Deal?"
"Deal," Sirius replied as they walked toward the portrait hole. As they reached the door, Sirius stopped. "Thank you, Kate. I promise that I'll tell you the truth from now on. I won't hide things from you again."
Kate smiled again. "Let's go meet James, Remus and Lily. Perhaps we can come up with a better plan over breakfast."
