'Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warning: None for this chapter
Chapter 34 – A Secret Shared
"Sirius, you're being paranoid," Remus said tiredly. "The Slytherins are paying no more attention to me now than they ever have."
The Marauders were in the hospital wing, seated around Remus' bed on the morning after the March full moon.
Sirius shook his head. "Snape has never been lurking in the corridors when we've been headed out to the Willow to meet you, Remus. He was hiding – not very well, mind – in a doorway when we passed by."
"He's right, Remus. We passed close enough to him to smell the dank of the dungeons on his robes," James affirmed. "We had to draw the cloak closer to avoid it sweeping across his arm."
"As it is, we're certain he sensed that some one was there," Peter picked nervously at a loose thread in Remus' blanket.
Remus wearily laid his head back onto his pillow and closed his eyes. When he opened them a moment later, he looked directly at Sirius. "I cannot believe that with no provocation, out of a clear blue sky, Severus Snape decided to lurk in the hallways of Hogwarts on the odd chance that he would catch the four of us out of bounds." His gaze swept over the other two Marauders briefly before returning to look sternly at Sirius. "Unless, of course, something did provoke him and I am not aware of it."
Sirius didn't flinch. "Remus, listen to me; Snape must have heard something – or felt the air shift as we passed him. He began to follow us and if Slughorn hadn't sneezed coming down the opposite corridor, I'm sure Snape would have been right behind us."
Remus' eyebrows rose and his mouth pinched into a thin, grim line. "If what you say is true, then perhaps we should abandon our full moon activities in future."
The three boys met this statement with a loud protest until Remus "shushed" them frantically, pointing toward Madam Pomfrey's office door. Once they were silent again, Remus continued. "I cannot afford to have Snape – or anyone else, come to that – find out about the wolf! Dumbledore has risked way too much for me to be here; and if I'm found out I'll have to leave and quite likely he'll be asked to step down, as well. I need this education if I'm to have any hope of a job. There's too much at stake to risk discovery just so we can continue our adventures."
Sirius leaned forward and placed a hand on his friend's arm. "It's more than the 'adventures', Moony. You're better when you've got your pack with you. The wolf doesn't tear you apart when he can run with us instead of being confined – alone – all night. Face it, you can't get an education from the hospital wing and you used to spend a good deal more time here than you do now. You're able to get back to class much quicker and you're well enough to work on your assignments the day after the full moon. You'll lose all that you've gained if you make us stay away."
"Listen, Remus, we'll figure it out, yeah?" James chimed in. "Maybe what we'll do is slip down and hide in the shack before you get down there. We can take our books and work on assignments there, if it makes you feel better. We'll store our stuff in the cabinet where you put your robes and wand. We'll have a lot more flexibility on time that way so if we see Snape – or anyone else – lurking about, we can safely delay and still not risk being there for you right after you transform."
"We've more to figure out than that, James," Remus said quietly. "If Snape has become suspicious of us – of me – then we need to find out why, and quickly."
"We will, Moony," Sirius' face was determined as he reassured his friend.
"All right, you three," Madam Pomfrey bustled out of her office and approached Remus' bed. "It's high time you went along to your dormitory. Mr. Lupin needs his rest, after all."
"Madam Pomfrey, couldn't I go back to the dormitory if I promised to go straight to bed?" Remus' injuries had been very minor indeed and he was currently experiencing only the fatigue and body aches that accompanied his physical transformations.
"Mr. Lupin, I don't think that …"
"Madam Pomfrey, we promise to look after him." James spoke earnestly, looking at Sirius and Peter and silently enjoining their agreement. Both boys nodded.
"We'll make sure he stays in bed," Sirius said.
"And we'll bring him dinner, as well." It was Peter's turn to speak up.
The Healer looked from one anxious face to the next and finally settled on Remus. "Well, Mr. Lupin, it would appear that you have three very persuasive friends. As long as you do exactly as you've collectively promised, I'll release you. You boys can wait outside whilst he dresses."
Thereby dismissed – and silently congratulating each other – the non-bedridden Marauders made their way into the corridor to wait for their friend. The door had barely closed behind them when they could be silent no longer and celebratory laughter split the air. Remus smiled at Madam Pomfrey who could not hide her own smile at their antics.
"You have made good friends, Remus," she said, patting his arm and turning to give him privacy in which to dress himself.
"You have no idea, Madam Pomfrey," the young werewolf murmured as her office door closed behind her. "You have no idea at all."
XXXXXXXX
The next afternoon found Remus in the library, working on his Charms essay due the following Monday. It was the last of the assignments he needed to make up for missing classes on Friday. Remus was so engrossed in his work that he never noticed that he was no longer alone.
"So this is where you're hiding on a Saturday afternoon, is it?" Kate finally managed to capture his attention.
"Well, not really 'hiding' successfully, am I?" he smiled, gesturing her into the chair opposite his own. "You did manage to find me."
Kate settled into her seat. "So I did. You were missed yesterday," she added. "How are you feeling?"
Remus glanced down at the parchment before him and shrugged nonchalantly. "I'm fine, Kate; no need to worry about me." He was startled moments later by a very firm hand on his arm. Remus looked up to see a very pale, yet very determined young witch staring him down unflinchingly.
"Remus, I know that I haven't known you as long as Sirius, James and Peter have, but since the beginning of the year, I have come to think of you as one of my dearest friends. In fact, along with Lily, you are my best friend. I thought you regarded me as a good friend, as well."
Remus' brows rose as he tried desperately to deflect the questions that he felt certain were going to be asked by the very astute young woman seated opposite him. "Kate, of course I consider you a good friend. I care for you very much, indeed – and not just because of your relationship with Sirius. Ever since our first "Hogsmeade date", I've been very fond of you."
Kate nodded and slid her hand down his arm until it rested on his fingers. She clasped them firmly. "But you don't trust me enough to tell me what's wrong with you." It wasn't a question.
Remus closed his eyes. I care about you enough that I don't want to risk losing your friendship if I did tell you. He opened his eyes when he felt increased pressure from her fingers and Kate's heart fell when she saw the sadness in his eyes.
"I'm so worried about you, Remus," she whispered. "You're such a wonderful person, such a warm and caring friend. Obviously, you're very ill and I'm so very afraid that we're going to lose you. Perhaps there's something in the Muggle world that can help with whatever is wrong – and I would be so happy to do some research – now and over the summer to look into it. But, Remus, I can't do anything if you don't confide in me and I just can't sit by and watch this any longer without trying to do something." Kate's eyes were filled with tears and her voice had gotten very wobbly at the end of her speech.
Remus watched her closely for a moment longer. Then he gently removed his hand from hers and rolled up his parchment. Carefully packing his books, quills and parchment in his book bag, Remus finally looked over at Kate. "Come with me," he whispered, rising and slinging his bag over his shoulder. Kate followed without comment.
"Where are we going?" Kate asked as they walked along the corridor toward the staircase.
"The Room of Requirement. I don't want us to be disturbed," he replied. They spoke no further until they were inside the room.
Looking around, Kate noted that the room had provided a comfortable seating area with squashy couches and chairs and a roaring fire in a large stone fireplace. A large porcelain pot of hot chocolate was situated on a low table in front of one of the couches, its delicious aroma filling the room and somehow bringing a sense of calm to her jangled nerves. She marveled once more at the truly magical essence of this remarkable room.
"Let's sit down," Remus placed his hand beneath her elbow and gently steered her toward the couch facing the fireplace. "Chocolate?"
She nodded, noting the tremble of his hands as he poured them each a steaming mug.
"Talk to me," Kate said when he had seated himself at the opposite end of the couch.
Remus placed his mug on the table and folded his hands in his lap. He didn't look at her as he began to speak.
"What I am about to tell you is known by a handful of people at Hogwarts – the faculty, as you will clearly understand – and three other students. I think you can guess who they are," while Remus still stared at his hands, Kate could see one corner of his mouth turn up slightly at that last comment. "I must also have your word that you will hold this confidence to yourself; many lives depend upon no one finding out what I am about to say. You must promise me, Kate." Finally, the young werewolf looked up at her and Kate was taken aback by the plea so plainly evident in his gentle eyes.
"I promise, Remus. I am your friend. I would never betray your trust; not ever!"
He smiled softly. "Oh, Kate – I hope with all my heart that I am still your friend when you hear what I have to say." The smile faded from his face as he turned his gaze to the fire, took a deep breath and began to speak.
"When I was a little boy, my parents and I lived in a small cottage in the Yorkshire Dales. I am an only child and my mother spent a great deal of her time with me – reading to me, teaching me my letters and maths, drawing pictures – all of the normal daily activities of families everywhere. My father worked for the Ministry as an Unspeakable and he worked long hours on secret projects and sometimes traveled abroad, as well. When he was home, however, we had great fun together – just the three of us – until I was five." He paused, glancing at Kate briefly, before looking away again.
"Go on, Remus; I'm listening." Kate's voice was gentle and seemed to compel Remus to resume his story.
"Mum and I had spent the late afternoon and evening at the edge of the meadow that bordered our property. It was close to the end of summer and the farmer who owned that next property had finally finished rolling the hay he'd cut down in his field. Ah, the air was so sweet with the smell of it," he closed his eyes, remembering that evening and the hours he had spent before his world had so abruptly changed. "We decided that the evening was perfect for a picnic and Mum put together ham and pickle sandwiches, crisps and fresh cut watermelon for our dinner. We sat on a soft quilt my grandmother had made by hand – my Mum's Muggle-born, you see, she was the first witch in her family, so I grew up with a combination of Muggle and magical things. I remember lying back on the quilt and listening to the crickets and peeper frogs while my mother read to me until the light faded to a point where she could no longer see the words on the page. We picked up our little feast and returned to the house where I prepared for bed. It was only after she'd tucked me in that I realized I had left the book Mum had been reading from on a bale of hay where we'd had our picnic. Mum had given it to me to hold and reminded me not to lose it; it had been hers as a little girl and it held great meaning for her. I couldn't disappoint her by leaving the book out in the night air, so I quietly quit my bed, pulled on my little jacket and boots and headed out to our spot to retrieve it." Here, Remus stopped and Kate knew, somehow, that she should not interrupt him. As she sat silent, allowing him to gather his thoughts, Kate felt the first prickle of anxiety settle over her as she pictured Remus as a little boy striking out in the dark of night – on his own. Somehow she knew that this story had no happy ending.
"I found the book without incident; it was exactly where I had set it down to help Mum fold the old quilt. I was almost to the cottage when I heard a rustling noise in the hedges. I only had perhaps a hundred steps to the door when I heard the growl and then felt a searing pain in my shoulder. Everything happened so quickly after that, it seemed. I remember hearing my father's voice and seeing a flash of red as he sent what must have been a fairly potent curse in the direction of whatever it was that had me in its teeth. The pressure against my back was suddenly gone and I heard a thump quite close behind me. I fell to the ground, then and landed facing what had attacked me. I know now that it was a wolf – a great, hulking black and gray wolf that quickly recovered itself and ran into the woods. My father picked me up and ran into the house. I don't remember anything until I woke up in hospital with my parents sitting next to my bed. It was two days after the attack; I had been unconscious all that time. Loss of blood, the Healer told my parents. My mother was crying and my father looked as ill as I've seen him – before or since. I remember asking if they'd caught the "dog" that had bitten me; at five years old, I hadn't yet encountered anything like the reality of what actually had attacked me. The Healer was, thank Merlin, kinder than most at that time and, with my parents, found a way to explain to my very young self that I would never be the same boy I'd been before I was attacked. It was the first time I'd ever seen my father cry. It would not be the last."
Kate felt the tears course down her own cheeks as she realized the truth of the tale Remus had told her. "It was a werewolf."
Remus nodded, still not meeting her gaze, his own face paler than before and the trembling of his hands increasing until he could not clasp them tightly enough to calm them.
Kate rose from her seat and Remus closed his eyes. I should be used to this by now, he thought to himself. At least she's not screaming… His eyes flew open as he felt warm hands encircle his and soft hair fall down over his roughened fingers. Kate was kneeling before him, her cheek resting on his hands as she grasped them tightly in hers. Remus felt his control slip. She wasn't leaving; she didn't seem repulsed or afraid. She was touching him as if he'd not just told her the devastating truth about the monster that lived inside him. He closed his eyes once more and allowed rare tears to escape.
The two friends sat together for some time, silent and unmoving, both lost in their own thoughts. Eventually, Kate lifted her head and straightened her posture to alleviate the crimp in her neck. At the movement, Remus swallowed hard and hastily withdrew his hands. Ah, Katie; the truth has settled in finally, has it? I'll pull away so you don't have to; it's the least I can do.
"Don't you dare pull away from me, Remus John Lupin," Kate spoke softly, but with determination, albeit in a voice that was now a bit rough from crying. "I won't have it from you. Look at me." She waited until he opened his eyes and she was horrified at the sad resignation she could see reflected there. "You are my friend and I love you every bit as much now as I did this morning, or yesterday afternoon, or on our first Hogsmeade 'date'. I was proud to be your friend then and I'm proud to be your friend now."
Remus took her hands gently, but his throat was too constricted to speak. Kate seemed to understand and, with a gentle squeeze, released his hands and rose to sit next to him on the couch. Once she settled, Kate reached over to hug him and after hesitating only for a moment, Remus leaned into her embrace. After a time, he sat back against the cushions, but didn't relinquish his hold on her hands. "I don't know what to say except to thank you," he said quietly.
"There's nothing to thank me for."
Remus nodded his head vigorously. "Yes, there is. You've no idea how much your friendship means to me. I was afraid that I would lose it after telling you the truth about my condition."
Kate leaned over and kissed his cheek. "Actually, I'm not sure how you'll take this, but the truth of your condition is a vast improvement over what I thought was wrong."
Remus' eyebrows rose. "What on earth could be worse than being cursed with lycanthropy?"
Kate's eyes filled once again. "I thought you were dying," she whispered, wiping at her cheeks as the tears fell.
"Oh, Katie; shhh," Remus murmured, drawing her close once again and patting her back. "No, I am certainly not dying." He felt her nod against his shoulder and fell silent, allowing her time to compose herself. Finally, she lifted her head and sat straighter in her seat.
"I told myself that I could handle anything you told me as long as it wasn't that," she said, giving him a rather moist smile.
Remus returned it with only a moment's hesitation. "And you're sure that you can?"
He couldn't quite allow himself to believe that their friendship would not end.
Somehow, she knew. "Absolutely. I must tell you, though; I don't know very much about the disease. Can you talk about it? May I ask you questions?"
"Of course." He paused for a moment. "You know, you and Sirius are quite alike in your reactions to this." Remus smiled.
"I'm certain he was wholeheartedly behind you when you told him," Kate returned the smile as she thought about the often impetuous, ever loyal wizard, who loved his friends fiercely.
To her surprise, Remus shook his head. "I was never brave enough to tell them. They figured it out on their own and came to me. I received quite the tongue lashing from the lot of them, I can tell you. They felt quite keenly that I should have trusted them enough to confess all to them in our first year."
"Why do I have no trouble believing that statement?" Kate looked at him curiously. "How did Dorcas react when you told her?"
Remus looked away from her and shook his head.
"Oh, Remus," Kate murmured. "You haven't told her, have you?"
"I can't bring myself to tell her, Kate. You must understand that secrecy is critical. I trust you implicitly, but I must tell Dumbledore that you now know. He is aware that Sirius, Peter and James guessed back in third year and he was fine with it, but my condition cannot become common knowledge. The Ministry would force the Headmaster's hand if even one parent pulled his child from Hogwarts because of me."
"But if your relationship is serious, shouldn't she know?"
Remus smiled sadly. "Kate, I can't afford a serious relationship. I probably shouldn't have allowed myself to grow as fond of Dorcas as I have. I just wanted …" his voice trailed off.
"You just wanted to be like everyone else; to have a relationship and a bit of happiness. There's nothing wrong with that, Remus; nothing at all. You deserve to have someone to love – and who loves you; it's only natural," Kate reasoned.
Remus held up his hand. "You will learn that there are certain aspects of my disease about which I am adamant; this is one of them. I cannot allow anyone to be exposed to the dangers of this disease. I will not put anyone at risk that the wolf could get to them, kill them – or worse. Dorcas is lovely and I enjoy her company very much. If my life were different – perhaps there could be something between us. As it stands, however, that cannot be."
"But, Remus, she cares for you very deeply. You must know that your condition would make as little difference to her as it does to any of your friends who know about it," Kate reasoned, while sensing that Remus would not relent in his position.
"You are a loyal friend, Kate and I love you for it, but we can't know how Dorcas might or might not react to the knowledge of what I truly am. And she will not have the opportunity. It is far better that she find another wizard who does not have my … situation … to contend with. She deserves a normal life, with a wizard who can support her and who presents no danger to her. I am not that wizard." Seeing Kate take a deep breath, Remus hurried on. "And I think that's where we should leave this part of our conversation, yes?"
Kate shook her head. "I want to say, 'no', you realize?" Seeing his soft smile and nod, she continued, "but I will agree with you because I don't want to make you regret telling me the truth. Perhaps we can revisit this topic another time?"
Although Remus knew he would never change his mind, he nodded. "Perhaps," he allowed. "Would you like me to reheat the chocolate? I know I could use some."
"Yes, please."
As they sipped fresh hot chocolate from their mugs, Kate asked a question that had bothered her since he had finished telling her about the night he was bitten. "Remus, did they ever catch the werewolf who attacked you?"
"No, although we know who it was. A man named Fenrir Greyback is the worst type of werewolf there is. He specializes in turning children and, once they are abandoned by their own families, taking them away with him and raising them as his own pack of sorts. He teaches them that to be a werewolf is to exert a great deal of power and fear within the wizarding community. He convinces them that to give their wolves free reign will result in more power from wizards who will agree to anything to spare their own lives. He is a dangerous, dangerous evil in our world." Remus' voice was like steel and his face reflected his loathing for the man who had changed his life.
"What was he doing in the Dales that night? Do you know? It would seem that he would be more successful prowling about in larger cities – like London. Wouldn't he encounter a greater number of potential victims that way?"
Remus' expression became closed. "He approached my father about something – I never knew what – and, when my father refused to have anything to do with Greyback or his schemes, Greyback promised to make my father regret his decision. He was successful in making good on that promise."
Kate was horrified. "He – oh, Remus – he exacted revenge on your father by turning you? Your poor father; how did he bear it?"
Remus smiled sadly. "Not well. He resigned his position at the Ministry and he and my mother began a very long and very unsuccessful quest to find a cure for this disease. He became ill and finally realized that he could not undo what had been done. By that time, they had spent all of their savings trying one promised cure after another. He teaches in a small village near our cottage and my mother gives music lessons. They are both brilliant teachers and I think my father has found some measure of contentment in his work. I know he still feels horribly guilty about what happened to me, but I also know that I cannot change that. What I don't know is whether or not things will ever be different for him."
Kate reached over and squeezed his arm. "I'm so sorry, my friend; so very, very sorry for all that you and your family have gone through – continue to go through, actually. I think you are very brave to face this each and every month – and to do it with such dignity. Your parents must be very proud of you; they certainly have every reason to be."
It was Remus' turn to lean over and kiss Kate's cheek. "That means everything to me, Katie. Thank you – for everything you've said today as well as for your friendship. I wouldn't have believed it possible that I could have met such true friends."
"People like you are very rare, Remus. You are intelligent, kind and very gentle. You are no more monster than we are; in fact, I daresay I can name a few people who truly deserve the title. I meant it when I said that I was proud to call you my friend; I'm proud to think that you'd call me yours."
Remus looked away from her and cleared his throat before speaking again. "Do you … that is to say, is there anything you want to ask me?"
Kate shook her head then stopped. "Yes, I guess there is one thing. Where do you …?"
"Transform?" Remus supplied and seeing her blush as she nodded, he continued. "Katie, don't ever feel embarrassed about asking me questions. I'll answer whatever I can; I know you're asking honestly and because you care and I will always answer you in kind. Agreed?" He ducked his head to meet her eyes. "Agreed?"
"Agreed. Go on, please."
"You know, of course, about the Whomping Willow. Well, when one prods the knot in the trunk of the tree, the branches freeze and reveal an opening at the base of its roots. The tunnel leads to the Shrieking Shack…"
"In Hogsmeade? That old haunted house?" Kate's eyes widened.
"Yes. The Willow was planted when I received my Hogwarts letter and my parents agreed I could come here. I've transformed in the Shrieking Shack ever since first year. The shack was never truly haunted – by a traditional spirit, anyway. The cries that the villagers hear are actually made by … well, by me. The townspeople believe they are hearing the restless ghosts who inhabit the shack; Dumbledore encourages the various legends to protect us all - me from discovery and others from putting themselves in a position to be killed – or worse." He paused, seeing Kate's eyes fill yet again. "What is it, Kate?"
"I'm just struck by how difficult your life is," she whispered.
"My life is far more wonderful than I ever thought it would be after that night in the meadow behind my parents' little cottage. I have friends; I'm getting a remarkable education. I have hope for a future. Yes, there are aspects of my life that are somewhat challenging but, all in all, I have many more advantages than others of my kind. No pity, Katie; I don't need it, after all." Remus lifted her hand to his lips and kissed them gently. "Just be my friend, alright?"
She nodded. "Count on it."
"We should head up to the Tower, you know. The others will begin to wonder where we've taken ourselves," Remus smiled. "I hear you have quite a jealous boyfriend, after all."
Kate laughed softly. "Yes, he is a bit of a handful, isn't he? But when he finds out I've been with you – his best friend – I don't think he'll mind very much." They walked to the door and as Remus reached for the handle, Kate put her hand on his arm. "Remus, will you tell them? That I know about the wolf?"
Remus nodded. "I believe I will. It will make Sirius happy to think that I trust you enough to tell you. You will have to resign yourself to one of his lectures, though. He tends to be a bit … protective of me at times. Funny, isn't it? A human being protective of a werewolf is not something you see everyday."
"Sirius Black is not someone you run into every day, is he?" Kate smiled as Remus shook his head. "And I totally understand," she added. "I'm feeling a bit protective of you, myself."
They stepped out into the hallway and paused to watch the door disappear into the stonework of the castle wall. As they began to walk along toward the staircases, Remus spoke again. "Sirius' protectiveness borders on the paranoid sometimes; you should probably try to avoid that yourself."
"How do you mean?"
"Sirius is convinced that Severus Snape is following us around because he suspects that something is a bit off with me. I've seen no evidence of it, but Sirius, James and Peter swear it is so."
"Have they any proof?" Kate asked, her brow furrowing in concern for her friend.
Remus shook his head. "None that they can articulate – to me, anyway. It would be devastating for me if Snape discovered my secret, as you can readily appreciate."
"But, Remus, how would he find out? Surely the professors don't allow the students to wander around near the Whomping Willow on the nights you transform. No, the only way he'd ever find out is if someone told him and you know that none of us would ever do that."
Remus nodded. "Of course I do, Kate; I trust you all with my life. I do think, however, that we need to be overly cautious where Severus is concerned. Make sure we don't refer to anything connected with my condition if he – or any of his friends – is in earshot."
"Of course, Remus," she agreed as they reached the top of the staircase.
"Moony!" the two followed the voice and saw Sirius stepping onto the landing below them. "We've been looking everywhere for you – and here you are, squiring my girlfriend about the castle. Come along then, you'll miss dinner if you don't hurry."
Kate and Remus smiled down at their friend and started down the staircase to meet up with him. Suddenly, Kate stopped and Remus turned, looking at her curiously. "Is something wrong, Kate?"
She smiled in response. "I'm afraid I'm not very bright sometimes; the penny just dropped."
"What do you mean?"
"Moony."
Remus smiled broadly. "Sirius gave me that one. Came up with it after he announced that 'Fang' was too cruel."
Kate shook her head. "Only Sirius."
Remus' smile softened. "Indeed. Only Sirius." He glanced down the staircase where the topic of their conversation had just recently stood. "We'd better look sharp or 'only Sirius' will have quite a bit to say over dinner. I don't know about you, but I'd rather avoid it."
"You make a good point. Let's go. Oh – and Remus?" Kate waited until he turned toward her. "Thank you for trusting me with your secret; it is safe with me – always."
Remus reached over and recaptured her hand. "I never doubted it."
