'Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warning: Language
Chapter 40 – Shaken
"Sirius?"
A soft voice called to him from what seemed to be a great distance. Fuzzily, he noted the surface on which he was lying was hard – too hard to be his bed, or any of the furniture in the Common Room. Ok, not in Gryffindor tower, then. He opened his eyes and took in the deeply gouged wall in front of him. The shack. Snape. Remus. Memories of the past day came flooding back to him and with them, the indescribable pain that had led him to this place.
"Sirius?"
The voice was back and it was closer now. Ignoring his protesting muscles, Sirius turned over and opened his eyes again. This time, his gaze fell on the open trap door – and the owner of the voice whose head had just appeared beneath it.
"Kate, what are you doing here?" Sirius pushed himself up to sit against the wall and passed his hands over his face.
"Sirius, this is the place, isn't it?" Kate had climbed up through the opening and was sitting on its edge, legs dangling downward, as she looked at the destruction around her. "This is where Remus comes to transform at the full moon." He watched her eyes fill with tears as she realized that it was Remus' wolf that had inflicted all of the damage.
"Yes," he replied, his voice hoarse. "You haven't answered my question. What are you doing here? Wait – how did you get in?"
"I saw you in the castle. You pushed straight past me and ran outside. You looked so upset and I called to you over and over again and you didn't seem to hear me. I decided to follow you," Kate lifted her legs out of the door, stood and walked over to him. "May I sit down?" At his nod, she sat next to him, folding her legs beneath her and leaning back against the wall.
"How did you get past the tree?"
"Immobilus," Kate said. Despite the turmoil Sirius felt, he had to smile when he heard her. Doesn't it just figure that she'd find a spell when we spent hours looking for a stick that was long enough to reach the knot? Wait 'til James hears… The smile slipped from his face; James wasn't interested in anything he had to say, that was certain. He felt the warmth of Kate's hand on his and his emotions, very close to the surface anyway, welled up once again "What's wrong?" Kate spoke very softly, rubbing her thumb across his knuckles as she waited for his answer.
"Everything," he whispered. He looked over at her and Kate was stunned to see tears fall from his eyes and land on the front of his robes, making dark splatters in the now dusty fabric. "I've done something stupid, Katie – so bloody stupid that it's cost me my friends."
Kate's eyes grew wide. "Sirius, I'm sure you're wrong; you must have misunderstood something. You can't lose them! You're brothers; you love each other. Come on; let's go back to the castle. I'll help you find James and the two of you can put this mess right." She squeezed his hand and made to stand.
Sirius ripped his hand away from hers and jumped up. "You don't know what you're talking about! You don't know what happened – what I did – and I can't tell you! They want nothing to do with me; Remus wants nothing to do with me." He looked around, the room, making note of the damage that had been there since he could remember – and the newly inflicted ruin from the night before. "I have to get out of here." He walked swiftly toward the trap door, heedless of Kate's cries to him to stop, to wait, to talk to her. Much like his trip to the shack, Sirius' escape from it was made swiftly – but this time in the gathering darkness. As he immobilized the Willow then moved from beneath its branches to the open grounds, Sirius heard Kate calling to him again from the tunnel. He knew that if he waited for her, he would eventually tell her the entire, horrible story and he couldn't face that; couldn't face the look in her eyes when she heard what he'd done. Sirius moved swiftly to the copse of trees adjacent to the Willow. Safely sheltered from view he stood, watching as Kate came through the opening and walked clear of the branches. Sirius watched her walk to the large boulder where the Marauders had so often hidden from Madam Pomfrey as she made her way to the tunnel to fetch a very young Remus. He retreated further into the shelter of the trees when Kate peered in his direction and took a hesitant step toward them. Sirius waited for what seemed like an hour before daring to step out and look around. When he did, he saw Kate's retreating form as she ran back to the castle. Relieved, Sirius walked out of the shadow and stopped at the boulder. There, he sank to the soft, mossy earth, his back against the rock and waited. When the lights in the castle no longer blazed brightly, he would make his way back to the tower, and his bed and try to figure out how he was going to make it through the rest of his time at Hogwarts without the boys who had become his family.
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Kate walked into the hospital wing and was relieved when Madam Pomfrey immediately agreed that she could spend some time with her only patient. "He's been a bit down this afternoon, Miss Morgan; perhaps you can do something to cheer him up." She paused and glanced over at the boy. "See if you can get him to eat dinner, would you? He's not doing a very good job for me." Kate smiled and nodded, closing the door softly behind the healer who was now on her way to enjoy her own dinner.
Remus didn't spot Kate until she was halfway across the room; the smile he gave her was a sad one. "Don't look like that, Katie. This is just your first moon, after all. I've looked far worse than this, believe me."
Kate reached his bed, leaned down and kissed his cheek gently. "I think you're very handsome," she said as she sat on the edge of the wooden chair beside him.
Remus gave her a dubious look. "Best looking werewolf you know, right?"
"I was thinking more along the lines of 'one of the best-looking wizards I know'," she amended, gesturing at his dinner tray. "You'll be the thinnest wizard I know, however, if you don't start eating your dinner. Must I stay and see that you do?"
Remus sighed. "I'm doing my best, Kate, but I don't have much of an appetite at the moment."
"I'm willing to wager that it has little to do with your transformation and perhaps more to do with Sirius," Kate watched to see what effect her comment might have on him. It was significant.
Remus' face closed and his eyes took on a slightly amber hue – proof that the wolf had only recently retreated. He lifted his dinner tray from his lap and set it down on his nightstand with slightly more force than was necessary, making Kate jump. Seeing the motion out of the corner of his eye and noting the subsequent look of uncertainty on her face, Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He reached over and took her hand in his. "I'm sorry, Kate; I didn't mean to frighten you. I'm just not prepared to talk about Sirius at the moment."
"Then let me talk and you can listen," Kate said, giving his hand a squeeze. "I've just left him. Remus, I found him curled up on the floor of the shack, completely not himself and spouting nonsense. When I tried to reason with him, he ran away from me, crying as if his heart would break. I think it has broken, actually. He told me that he'd done something stupid and had lost his friends as a result and …"
"He told you how to get into the shack, too?" Remus' voice rose in anger.
"What? No – wait, what do you mean, 'too'? Did Sirius…? Oh, Remus, he didn't – he didn't tell someone how to get past the Willow, did he?"
"If he didn't tell you, how did you manage it?" Remus challenged, ignoring the questions she'd asked.
"That seems to be the question of the moment," she said, rolling her eyes. "I cast Immobilus, ok? Sirius asked me the same question when I got there. Look, Remus – I've answered your question; you can jolly well answer mine. And you can be as ill tempered in your delivery as you'd like. I just want the answer. Now, whom did Sirius tell about getting past the Willow?"
"Dumbledore has agreed to keep this quiet. No one can know, Kate," Remus said softly.
"Dumbledore is involved in whatever this is? Merlin! Remus, please, you've entrusted me with the secret of your condition and I have not betrayed you; surely, you can trust me with this," Kate implored him.
Remus searched her face for several moments and must have seen what he was looking for. "It was Snape. Sirius told Severus Snape how to get past the Willow," Remus' said, his tone bitter.
Kate felt as if she'd taken a bludger to the stomach. "Severus? But, Remus – why?"
"According to Sirius, Severus had seen us leaving the grounds several times – me first, with Sirius, Peter and James following behind. Severus was certain he knew what we were up to and told Sirius that it was enough to get us all expelled. Sirius said that he told Severus how to get past the Willow so that he could see how wrong he was."
Kate felt a cold chill settle over her. "What happened?"
"Severus followed Sirius' instructions and got into the tunnel and managed to open the trap door. I'd just finished transforming and, thankfully, the wolf isn't at its most coordinated at that point. It inadvertently slammed the door down, hitting Severus in the head and knocking him unconscious. I'm sure it meant to pull him up through the opening and …" Remus laid his head back onto the pillow, his eyes closed.
"Remus, don't," Kate said, taking his hand once again. "It didn't happen, after all." She held his hand tightly between both of hers, waiting for him to continue. Eventually, she felt him return the pressure on her fingers and he opened his eyes.
"James and Peter had run into Sirius and he told them what he'd done. They got to the tunnel and pulled Severus out and brought him back to the castle," Remus finished. "Dumbledore told me that Severus is fine – and, for whatever reason, he has given Dumbledore his word that he would not divulge my condition, which means I can stay at Hogwarts."
It was Kate's turn to pale. "Oh, Remus; I hadn't even thought of that. Thank Merlin; it would have been unbearable if you'd had to leave."
Remus squeezed her hand and gave her an honest, if very small smile. "Indeed. I have to trust that Dumbledore's right and Severus will hold his tongue."
The two friends sat in silence for a few moments.
"James has been to see you, if you know what happened," Kate guessed, surprised when Remus shook his head.
"No, actually, it was Sirius, himself, who told me what had happened; what he'd done. It was part of his punishment from Dumbledore," Remus' voice was hollow.
"He thinks he's lost all of you," Kate said.
Remus looked at her coldly. "I can only speak for myself when I say that he isn't wrong."
"I never thought I'd ever hear you speak this way," Kate said sadly.
Remus raised one eyebrow. "I never expected my best friend to betray me as he's done, Kate. And you can't expect me to forgive him for it. James and Peter can do as they like. I trusted Sirius, Kate; I trusted him. And he betrayed me to Severus Snape."
"It's just incredible," Kate shook her head. "Sirius has so many issues with trust, himself; it's hard to believe that he would intentionally betray you or put you in danger."
"Sirius is impetuous, Kate; he doesn't think – he reacts. That's what makes him so dangerous. His actions are based on his perceptions – which change from moment to moment. Something Severus said or did piqued Sirius' anger and hatred and he desired only to act on those emotions and strike out. How many times have we seen him behave recklessly as a result of his temper? When that happens, he's unpredictable and last night, that unpredictability led him to endanger a life – with me as the weapon," Remus was starting to sound tired – and more than a little sad. "He used me, Kate. I was the means to an end. That's not friendship."
"No," Kate was forced to admit. "But, it's also not Sirius. He doesn't use his friends."
"Well, he'll never have the chance to use me again, I can promise you that."
"Remus," Kate said quietly. "That's it, then? Your friendship is truly over?"
Remus drew a shuddering breath then brushed his eyes roughly with one hand. "Friends don't do what Sirius did last night. And, Katie, I can't afford to have friends who would do something like that. You must understand."
"I do, Remus; I really do," Kate assured him. "It's just that I've never seen him like that; he was so lost."
"I'm sure that what Sirius is reacting to are the consequences of his actions, Kate. He's lost something, Kate – and Sirius Black hates to lose."
"That's terribly cold, Remus," Kate said, saddened by his tone and his demeanor.
"So is selling out your friend for the satisfaction of terrifying an enemy," Remus replied at once. He sighed. "Katie, we're just going 'round in circles and I'm tired. Could you excuse me? I'd like to get some rest."
"Of course," Kate stood and attempted to tug her hand from his grip, which tightened as she did so.
"You and I are still friends, right? No matter what?" Remus' voice was tired and small and Kate's heart clenched as she heard the questions.
She returned the pressure on his hand and leaned down to rest her cheek against his. "No matter what," she whispered then turned her face to kiss his cheek before straightening again. "I promise." Kate smoothed his hair back from his forehead. "Good night, Remus." But there was no answer; he was already asleep.
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"Miss Bullstrode, I have asked you here because I have a very sensitive matter to discuss with you," Dumbledore began, seating himself next to the young witch.
Ofelia attempted to quell her nerves, but they had been threatening to get the better of her since Professor Slughorn had come to tell her that the Headmaster wished to see her. "Of course, Professor. Please, go on."
"I must begin by asking for your complete discretion and confidence in this matter and, in return, I will extend both to you. No one must know what we discuss in this room. Are we clear?"
Ofelia nodded.
"Last night, a piece of information was presented to me that could potentially impact the future of a particular student in our school. As Headmaster, it is my duty to investigate such matters, which is why you are here this evening." Dumbledore paused, noticing how pale the girl had become. "Are you quite alright, my dear?"
Ofelia folded her hands in her lap in an effort to master their trembling. "Yes, sir. Please tell me what this is all about."
"It is my understanding that you are friendly with a young witch in your House named Isolde Dolohov, is that correct?"
Oh, gods. "Yes, Headmaster, although I suspect Isolde considers us to be closer friends than we are."
"As sometimes happens. I will not beat about the bush, as they say; Miss Dolohov seems to believe that you are pregnant, the fact of which she claims to have seen. Miss Bullstrode, is this true?" Dumbledore placed his hand on Ofelia's arm to calm her, for she had begun to tremble at the first mention of Isolde's name. "I assure you, you are in no trouble with me."
Ofelia lifted her face to look at Dumbledore; tears were streaming down her cheeks and she seemed incapable of speech. "It's alright, my dear. Here, take mine," he pulled a rather large lavender handkerchief from the pockets of his robes and she accepted it gratefully. Once she had brought herself under some control, Ofelia leaned toward him and spoke quietly, "Yes, Professor; it is true. I have been using a concealment charm during the day."
"Does anyone know of your condition?"
"Lily Evans, Kate Morgan and Sirius Black," Ofelia said. "And now, of course, Isolde." Ofelia looked at Dumbledore curiously. "When did she come to you, if I may ask?"
Dumbledore shook his head. "I have not spoken to Miss Dolohov," he told her. "I learned of this in connection with another matter. Miss Dolohov confided to another friend – one you both share – and it is from him that I learned of your condition."
"Severus Snape." Ofelia closed her eyes. "It could be no one else."
"Yes, it was Severus."
"Headmaster, please know that I have not told my parents, nor anyone else in my family. Arturo does not even know of this child. I have plans to tell everyone, but not until after the school year ends. I beg of you, please do not tell anyone of this; please convince Severus that he cannot share this news with anyone, either," Ofelia felt the tenuous hold she had on her emotions begin to slip.
"Be calm, Miss Bullstrode; Severus will say nothing, he has given me his word. And, as you'll recall, I gave you my promise when we first began speaking this evening. I will also speak with Miss Dolohov. Your secret is safe, I assure you," Dumbledore soothed. "There is one other piece of information that Severus shared with me – that of the paternity of your child. He told me that Sirius Black is the father."
Ofelia's eyes grew quite large and, to Dumbledore's amazement, she began to laugh –genuine peals of laughter. "Oh, Headmaster, I cannot imagine where Severus got this idea, but he is quite wrong," she managed, after she had calmed herself.
"I suspected as much," came the reply. "I must ask you, though, is the father a student here at Hogwarts?"
"No. The father is a student at university in London. His family lives on a property adjacent to my old school in France. I became pregnant before my transfer to Hogwarts, but did not find out for certain of my condition until after the holiday break. Sirius and his friends have been most kind to me. They helped arrange a meeting between Michael – the father – and me during a Hogsmeade weekend and they make sure they're available if Michael can't meet me for an appointment with my Healer. I could not ask for better friends, particularly Sirius. You were right, Headmaster, I may have lost a fiancé, but I have gained a wonderful friend," Ofelia said.
"I am so pleased that you have had the support of your friends in Gryffindor," the Headmaster said with a smile.
"Sir, I may truly continue with my plans as before? You will not alter them or go to my parents about this?"
"Miss Bullstrode, as Headmaster, I suppose I should step in and do the responsible thing – tell your parents. I'll let you in on a little secret, though: I do not think it would be responsible to disrupt a plan that seems to be so well structured. You are receiving care from a qualified Healer and you and your young man have plans to disclose your news to your families in due course of time. I think it would be most irresponsible of me to interfere." He smiled as he watched Ofelia exhale in relief. "That said, however, I must insist that Poppy Pomfrey be told of your condition as soon as possible so that she is prepared should immediate medical attention be needed. She is the soul of discretion and cannot divulge students' conditions to anyone without their – or my – written permission. If you are agreeable, I would be happy to tell her; of course, you may also choose to do so."
Ofelia shook her head. "No, Headmaster; you may tell her – and thank you. I appreciate your discretion and your help."
"It's getting late and you need your rest. I think we're finished here. Would you like me to call someone to escort you back to your Common Room?"
"No, thank you, sir. I will be fine," she responded, rising.
Dumbledore walked Ofelia to the door. "Good night, my dear," he said.
To his great surprise, Ofelia stood on her toes and kissed his cheek. "Good night, Professor – and thank you once again."
"Not at all," he replied, eyes twinkling as he closed the door behind her.
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Ofelia moved lightly through the corridors of the castle on her way back to the Slytherin Common Room. A week ago, the thought of Albus Dumbledore – or anyone else – discovering her secret would have caused panic; now Ofelia was forced to admit that it was a relief that he knew – and more of a relief that he had no intention of telling anyone else.
Isolde. Ofelia thought back to the morning she had awakened to find the girl peering through her bed hangings. She remembered the uneasy feeling she'd had at the time and realized that it was well founded. Although she wished strongly to Obliviate Isolde when next she saw her, Ofelia knew that she could not, in all good conscience, do so. She would leave the young witch to Albus Dumbledore, who would undoubtedly manage the situation without risk to anyone involved.
As she crossed the entrance to her own Common Room, Ofelia wondered if Severus Snape would approach her to discuss what he thought he knew. Ofelia knew that if he did, she would have to handle the matter with great discretion. It would not do to antagonize the Slytherin wizard when he had access to so many of their peers who, with knowledge of her secret, could make her life very miserable indeed. I will need to give a great deal of thought to my conversation with Severus.
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Sirius sat against the boulder, shivering in the dark and the early spring chill as he waited for curfew to arrive. Once students were safely in their Common Rooms, Sirius could wend his way back to the Tower and slip into the sanctuary of his own bed without risk of running into too many people. He needed to think. Silently, he waited, watching as one by one, the windows of the castle proper grew dim. Eventually, only the windows in the three House towers reflected light and Sirius knew it was time to head back. There was a minimal amount of time left before the heavy oak doors of the school would be locked, bolted and warded for the night. He fixed his eyes on Gryffindor Tower and followed the path to the front door. Once there, Sirius took a deep breath and slipped quietly inside the castle.
Sirius made his way up the ancient stone staircase that led from the main entryway to the various floors of the school. Although his honest intention was to go directly to his dormitory, Sirius suddenly found himself turning down the corridor that led to the hospital wing. The desire to check in on Remus was overwhelming and almost before he knew it, Sirius was standing before the double doors that would lead to him.
"Mr. Black," the soft voice of the Headmaster reached his ears. Sirius turned to see Dumbledore seated upon the same bench he'd occupied when Sirius had arrived to see Remus earlier in the day. "I thought perhaps you might find your way back here."
"Have you been sitting there waiting since …" Sirius' voice trailed off as Dumbledore rose, a gentle smile on his face.
"No, Mr. Black; let's just say that I had a hunch I'd find you here. It's late, after all – past curfew, actually. You should be in your own Tower, yes?"
Sirius nodded. "I just needed to see that he was – ok. Our conversation didn't go very well, as you can imagine."
Dumbledore nodded. "I got that impression from you when you left him earlier. I believe Mr. Lupin is asleep, as you should be."
"Sir, could I just look in on him? I promise I won't stay long; I just…"
"…need to see for yourself?" Dumbledore finished. "Very well, you may look in on Mr. Lupin, but then you must go directly to your Tower, understood? Shall I wait for you?"
Sirius shook his head, "No, Professor. I won't stay long."
"I shall speak to the Prefects who may be patrolling the corridors and let them know that you have my permission to be here for a few minutes. When you leave, you should not fear a deduction of House points for being out after curfew."
"Thank you, Professor. The last thing Gryffindor needs is to lose more points thanks to me."
"Good night, Mr. Black," Dumbledore patted his shoulder and walked down the corridor toward the staircase.
Sirius silently entered the hospital wing. As before, Remus was the only patient. The ward was dimly lit and Remus' back was to the room; he was, apparently, asleep. Sirius just stood against the door for a few moments, grateful for the warmth of the room and debating whether to walk closer to Remus or to simply head back to his own bed.
"I know you're there," Remus' hoarse voice cut through the silence. That uncanny nose of his, Sirius thought. The wolf possessed a powerful sense of smell that revealed so many secrets to Remus that the rest of the world was not privy to. So, not asleep after all.
"I was just checking to make sure you're alright," he replied, honestly.
"A little late in the day to worry about whether or not I'm alright, isn't it? It would have been far more effective if you'd been thinking of me before you sent Snape to the tunnel, wouldn't it?" Remus turned over to face the other boy.
"I'm so sorry, Remus," Sirius felt his eyes fill again. "I'm just … so sorry."
Remus looked at him coldly, then turned away again. "It's a little late in the day for that, too."
Sirius turned and left; he didn't bother to try to check the tears that were once again streaming down his face. He made it to the portrait of the Fat Lady in record time, encountering no one on his way. Climbing through the entrance to the Common Room, he went directly to the staircase, and up to the dormitory, looking neither left nor right and taking notice of nothing but the stone steps beneath his feet. Once inside the dorm room, he climbed onto his bed, closed the curtains and cast both silencing and imperturbable charms. Stripping down to his boxers, he tossed his clothing to the foot of his bed and climbed beneath the warm covers. There he lay, waiting for sleep to claim him, to release him from the thoughts that had tortured him since he'd first seen Remus and listened to the harsh words that had poured from the other boy. But sleep did not come easily and Sirius' eyelids did not close until the faint first light of dawn crept into the dormitory.
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"Alright, James, are you going to tell me what's going on here or am I going to have to hex it out of you?" Lily Evans had two bright red spots on her cheeks that rivaled the color of her hair. It was Sunday morning and James, Peter, Lily and Kate were seated in their usual places in the Great Hall for breakfast. As they ate, Sirius slipped in, took a napkin from a place at the opposite end of the table in which he placed several sausages, strips of bacon and some toast. As they watched, he wrapped the food carefully, reached past Frank Longbottom for an orange then turned and left the Hall. His entire appearance had taken less than two minutes.
"Leave it, Lily," James said quietly.
"Well, I can't 'leave it'," Kate said, rising and quickly heading in the direction Sirius had taken. The others watched her until she disappeared through the doors. As he brought his attention back to his breakfast, James' eyes met those of Severus Snape, seated with his own House. James refused to look away and finally, Snape looked back at his own plate.
Lily caught the look and rolled her eyes. "Ah; the penny finally drops. Whatever is going on has to do with this ridiculous feud between the four of you and Severus, doesn't it? When are you all going to grow up?"
James ground his teeth together audibly. "Lily, I asked you to let it go and I wasn't kidding." He pushed his plate away and stood. "I've lost my appetite." And with that, he was gone, Lily staring speechless after him.
Slowly, Lily turned toward Peter, the last of their group left at the table. "Peter," she said quietly. "What do you know about all this?"
Pettigrew blinked rapidly several times, fear written plainly on his face. As much as the redhead scared him sometimes, seeing how swiftly Sirius could be cut from their midst made Peter braver than usual. He sat up quite straight, looked Lily in the eye and said – with only a slight tremble in his voice – "You heard James, Lily, and you're not getting it out of me, either." Peter put his head down and attacked his toast. When he dared to look back up, Lily, too, was gone.
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Kate reached the entrance hall of the castle in time to see the front doors close. She hurried toward them and slipped outside as well, anxious to catch up with Sirius and convince him to talk to her for longer than he had the day before. Kate shaded her eyes from the sun and scanned the grounds for the young wizard and was rewarded with a brief glimpse of black hair disappearing over the hill leading to the Black Lake. She followed, cresting the hill moments later and locating her quarry making quick headway toward the flat boulder at the edge of the lake. Kate let him settle before continuing down the path toward him, trying to walk as quietly as possible. It worked; he never heard her until she spoke.
"Did you bring enough for two?" Sirius jumped at the sound of her voice, then turned to see her standing directly behind him. She was gesturing at the napkin of food he'd set beside him.
"Katie, I wasn't looking for company," Sirius said quietly, picking up the bundle so she could sit.
You're not Gryffindor for nothing, Kate told herself. Stay the course. She reached over and plucked a toast point from his lap. "Perhaps not, but I was looking for toast. Thank you," she said, smiling at him.
Sirius picked up the napkin by the four corners and extended it toward her. "Here, you can have this. I'm not hungry, after all," he said. When Kate didn't accept the food, he rose and placed it next to her. "I'll see you."
Kate threw the toast on the ground and caught up with him, hooking her hand in the crook of his arm. "Sirius, please talk to me. I don't understand what I've done that's making you behave this way, but I can't make it right if you won't let me even try."
Sirius tried to shake free, but Kate tightened her grip. "Kate, stop! Let go of me."
Kate shook her head. "No. If I do, you'll run and I can't chance it. We promised each other we wouldn't do this. We said we'd talk. Were you lying to me then? Was everything we've just been through a pointless waste of time? Because, Sirius, if you're going to revert to form the first time something goes wrong, I don't see why we suffered so much for this relationship in the first place."
"You don't have a bloody clue what's going on, Kate," he began, putting his head down. "Not one bloody clue."
"That's where you're wrong, Sirius. I do know what's happened; what I don't know is why. I need you to tell me," Kate's voice reflected her quiet desperation and, as she watched, Sirius raised his head and, stunned, met her gaze.
"How do you know?" he whispered.
"I spoke with Remus last evening. After you ran away from me at the shack, I went to the hospital wing to check on him – and to see if he would tell me what you wouldn't," she explained, still not relinquishing her hold on his arm.
"I'm sure he was happy to tell you about my latest fuck-up," Sirius said, bitterly, giving another half-hearted tug on his arm.
Kate tightened her grip once again. "'Happy'? No, Sirius, Remus wasn't 'happy' at all. I think it's safe to say that there was no happiness in the room when we spoke. He did, however, tell me what you did. He said that Snape had something on the four of you and had threatened to get you expelled?"
Sirius nodded. "So I figured that I knew how to stop him – how to shut him up. I said to myself, 'Hey, let's send the big fuckin' git down to the Shrieking Shack and save the wolf the trouble of having to hunt for his dinner. What a brilliant fuckin' plan!" Is that what he told you?"
Kate unconsciously loosened her grip on his arm, but Sirius didn't move; he stood there, watching her face, waiting for her to speak.
A look of horror crossed Kate's face. "You actually meant for Snape to be killed? You truly set Remus up to be a murderer? I never would have thought that you, of all people would …"
"Would what, Katie? Take advantage of a friend to get rid of one of my problems? I don't see how you could think me so noble. Have you forgotten Delilah? Ofelia? All the planning and scheming I did to make a marriage contract go away? Surely, Remus was able to remind you of all of those things; surely, he convinced you that I'm nothing more than a product of years of Black family history. Loyal to no one but myself, I was just living a lie – pretending to be someone I wasn't – until just the right moment arrived for me to show my true color … Black." He stopped, feeling his throat begin to constrict. Swallowing hard, he took a moment then continued, "Have I got it all right, Katie? Did I leave anything out? See, I met with Remus, too and I know exactly what he thinks of me. He didn't mince words – not a bit of it. So, if he didn't mince them with me, I can't believe he'd have spared you the full diatribe. And if you've spent any time with James or Peter, I'm sure they can corroborate everything Remus said. See, they're not too happy with me, either. James doesn't want me as a friend anymore, either and Peter – well, Peter will go along with whatever James says. You know what James says about me, Katie? I'll tell you; James said …"
"Stop it!" Kate let go of Sirius and took a step backward. "I can't believe this – any of it!" She began to cry, one hand coming up to cover her mouth.
Sirius took a step forward. "Well, maybe you were like everyone else – Remus, James, even poor, pathetic, tag-along Peter – you only saw what you wanted to see. Even when I gave you all that proof after Christmas, you still didn't see me for who and what I obviously am. Once a Black, always a Black, Kate. What happened the other night is exactly what my family is known for. Not pretty, is it? So, run along back up to the castle where you don't have to see me or have anything at all to do with me. You'll be in good company. I only wish I could do the same." He felt a hot prickle begin behind his eyes and knew he was at the end of his control. She had to leave. "Go on!"
Kate looked at him for a moment longer, shoulders shaking then she turned and ran back the way she had come.
Sirius stood, chest heaving, and watched her go. All day yesterday – in all of the conversations with James, Remus, Dumbledore – the underlying question they all held for him was, 'why'. Last night, reliving the day, Sirius had finally found the answer – and it had shaken him to his very core.
"You insufferable bastard!"
"Were you just pretending to be my friend?"
"Mr. Lupin has sustained quite extensive injuries …"
"You used me!"
"You betrayed me!"
"I trusted you!"
"You kept my secret until it no longer suited you; until it served you better to reveal it."
The latticework of fresh, pink scars crossing Remus' graceful hands, his throat had reminded Sirius then of the mirror images that existed on his own back – put there by the hatred that lived within his own mother. The image drove him bolt upright in his bed. My hatred of Snape put those scars on Remus' body just as my mother's hatred of me gave me mine. I am just like her; I am just like all of them. Push me hard enough and my hatred will trigger my true nature. I'm reckless and selfish and now, finally, I've hurt someone I care about.
Sirius remembered how the hot tears had begun anew as his fevered brain raced to process these new thoughts – and his heart lost the strength to fight those traitorous ideas as nothing more than what they were: the byproduct of a tortured conscience and horrible guilt. There, in the dim pre-dawn hours, Sirius convinced himself that they were right to reject him; he wasn't worthy of them. No Black was. And he was a Black. He wouldn't embrace his family's beliefs and he couldn't change how he felt about them, but he wouldn't ever do this to anyone else. He'd manage. He'd get through the next couple of years at Hogwarts – but he'd do it alone. Sirius suddenly remembered something Kate had said to him not so very long ago. If he allowed himself to be governed by hatred, he would be no better than the family he despised.
How right she had been.
If only he'd listened.
Ripping himself from his memories, Sirius closed his eyes and focused. He felt the tingle of magic surround him, permeate him as his body reformed. Soon, a great black dog was bounding through the scattered brush, heading toward the Forbidden Forest and the cool tranquility that awaited it there. In his Animagus form, Sirius didn't feel the myriad of complicated emotions; couldn't think as he could in his human form. He could turn it all off and simply be. As his huge paws carried him into the cool shadows of the forest, Sirius, the wizard, surrendered to the simplicity of Padfoot and, for the first time in twenty-four hours, felt his pain slip away.
