'Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warning: Language
Chapter 41 – The New Normal
No detail was ever offered and the normally wagging tongues of the school's gossip-mongers soon exhausted any likely explanation, but in very little time, the school soon realized that the Marauders were no more. The essence of the four young wizards who had wreaked havoc with their mischievous plots, made the hallways ring with laughter at their antics, and who had set the standard for loyal and abiding friendship had seemingly disappeared overnight.
James, Remus and Peter remained close, but there was an air about them that suggested a forced re-forging of something that had been elemental – natural, into something that was now just a bit off. While they occupied their old places in the Common Room – Kate and Lily rounding out the group more often than not – anyone who observed them could clearly tell that the spark and the joy were now missing.
Sirius attended every scheduled class, slipping in just before the bell rang and out again immediately upon dismissal. He sat well away from the other five and generally occupied a seat in the back of the room, much more conducive to his desired arrival and departure schedule. He took his meals in the Great Hall, but sat at the opposite end of the Gryffindor table. He arrived at the start of each meal, applied himself to his food and left when his plate was clean. Without Quidditch to keep himself fit, Sirius began to run, going on long, solitary jaunts along the grounds of the castle, or moving in swift, graceful laps around the Pitch before classes began each day. Since that final confrontation with Kate on the shore of the Black Lake, not a word had been exchanged between the former friends.
O.W.L.s were scheduled for the third week in May and all 5th year students studied feverishly in preparation. When the examination week rolled around, Sirius sat in the back of each classroom, finished his test well ahead of the others and thus was allowed to leave. It was after the Potions practical that James and Remus returned to the dormitory to find Sirius' corner of their shared room spotless, his trunk and all other possessions so casually displayed before 'the Prank', as it had come to be called – gone.
Remus inclined his head toward James' bed on which was piled a dark grey jumper, neatly folded, a Quidditch rulebook and a racing broom maintenance kit. James recognized these items as those he had lent to Sirius at the beginning of the year. Remus wandered over to his own bed to find two books by Charles Dickens resting on his pillow. During Sirius' 'let's learn about Muggle literature' phase, he had borrowed both books from Remus; to the werewolf's knowledge, however, he hadn't finished either of them. He had driven Remus round the twist for the first two weeks, asking all sorts of questions about the various plot lines and suggesting alternatives that would have alleviated the despondency of some of the characters' lives. In Oliver Twist, for example, after reading Oliver's plaintive line, "Please sir, may I have some more?" Sirius snorted and commented, "They'd make a better job of feeding the little blighters if they put the ruddy pot on the table! Moony, this Dickens bloke's got no bloody common sense at all!" Remus smiled as he remembered Sirius applying his rather matter of fact sensibility to one of literature's classic novels.
"Where d'you suppose he's gone, then?" James' voice came from behind Remus.
The other boy shrugged. "No idea and we can't really ask him, can we?"
James turned and went back to his bed, fingers running over the soft wool of the folded jumper still lying there. No, we've shut the door on any conversation with him, haven't we?
For his part, Sirius couldn't stand being in the room where he had shared so much with these friends, these brothers who were his no longer. Telling no one what he was about, he had completed his Potions O.W.L. well in advance of the scheduled conclusion, gathered his things from his room and moved into the Room of Requirement. To his knowledge, the room was a mystery – a virtual unknown entity to the majority of the population of Hogwarts. Sirius figured that the staff might know about it, Dumbledore definitely would and if he was caught out and not allowed to remain, he would request another room assignment. It was wrenching, however, to open the door to his new room and find it a duplication of the one he had just left behind. Sirius moved resolutely forward, however, reminding himself that the physical appearance didn't matter. He just couldn't be in the same room with Remus, James and Peter any longer. It just hurt too bloody much.
And then, of course, there was Kate. Sometimes, Sirius couldn't believe that they had gone through so much to be together - only to now be so decidedly apart. But who could have foreseen the splintering of the Marauders, the virtual shunning of one of their members? Sirius swiped at his eyes roughly with one hand as he removed his trunk from his pocket, set it on the floor of his new living quarters and muttered the spell that would restore it to its normal size. Intending to unpack, he instead sat down heavily on the top of the heavy trunk, completely unable to expunge Kate's image from his mind. He missed her – a phrase that sounded so simple but encompassed every facet of his life. He missed her smile in the morning as they walked to breakfast, the feel of her fingers absently playing with his hair as he sat on the floor, propped up by the couch on which she was seated, reading. Snapshots of normal moments scattered throughout normal days – so hard won, so cherished and nurtured and now, so much in the past.
Sirius swallowed hard, took a deep breath and stood. It was time to unpack and head to dinner.
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"There he is," Lily murmured as Sirius entered the Great Hall and made his way to the end of the Gryffindor table. He never glanced in their direction as he sat down and began spooning fish chowder into his bowl.
"He looks tired," the redhead continued, now looking at Kate, who sat directly across from her. Still, there was no response.
"Fine." Before anyone knew what she was going to do, Lily stood and walked the length of the table to where Sirius was seated.
"May I sit down?"
Sirius started when he heard her voice; he had been lost in thought as he ate and had not heard footsteps approaching. "I'd rather you didn't," he replied. "I can't see where we have anything to talk about."
Lily shrugged and sat. "Listen, I have no clue what has happened. James won't tell me, shockingly enough – even when I threatened to hex him; and even Peter, who's afraid of just about everyone, has told me that he's not going to share. Now, I hear you've even moved out of their dormitory. There are a lot of very unhappy people at your former end of the table and, from the looks of things, one very unhappy person down here. I hate to see so many people so unhappy – especially when they're people I care about. Can't we all get together and hash this thing out? If you object to me being there, I can set it up for the four of you and then leave…"
Sirius looked at her and Lily's breath caught at the pain she saw reflected in his blue eyes. "We're not friends anymore and I've been given that news first-hand, ok? Don't think I'm interpreting anything the wrong way, because I'm not. Look, Evans, I'm the one who made everybody – including myself – so unhappy. So, I've decided to just do the one thing that looks like it will satisfy everyone: stay away." He pushed his bowl away and made to stand, but Lily put her hand on his to stop him.
"What about Kate? Because I room with her and she is as miserable as I've ever seen her. If you and the other three are having some sort of feud and can't work it out, that's one thing. But, Sirius, what about her?"
Sirius shook his head. "Kate finally saw me for who and what I am, Lily. She didn't like what she saw – and I can't blame her for it. I have to go," he stared at her hand until she removed it after which he stood and made his way out of the Hall.
Lily sat and watched him go before rising and rejoining her friends.
"What did he say?" James asked as Lily slid in beside him.
Lily glanced 'round at the faced turned in her direction. "I asked him if there was anything that could be done to put this right – particularly as I now knew that he'd moved out of your dormitory. I suggested putting the four of you in a room to hash it all out so you would all stop being so unhappy. And he said that you all had told him that you didn't want him as a friend any longer and that he was responsible for that. Now, he was just looking to make everyone happy and he thought that staying away would be the right road."
James' face turned red and he stared down at his plate, while Remus closed his Charms text slowly, staring at the cover for several minutes without saying anything. Finally, he spoke, "We're going to be late for Charms; we should go."
"Wait; that's it?" Lily was incredulous. "Look, whatever has happened between you – and I think it's about time someone let me in on the big secret – one of you has to be big enough to step up and put some effort into putting this right! We're going to be leaving for the summer in a few weeks and it's not going to resolve itself while you're away from school."
The others stood silently during Lily's lecture then Remus spoke. "James, will you please tell Flitwick I had a headache and Lily has taken me to the hospital wing?" James nodded blankly. "Come on, Lily, we're both at least a half dozen lessons ahead of schedule in Charms. Let's take a walk, shall we?"
"Remus," James began, voice uncertain.
"It's my story to tell, isn't it James?" the young werewolf replied. "Lily's right; it's time we were honest and told her what happened. I'm the logical one to 'step up'. You go on ahead. We'll meet you at lunch. Come on, Lily – take a walk on the wild side, as they say and cut a class for once in your life."
Lily stood, undecided for only a moment then nodded. "Let's go."
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Of the relatively small number of people with whom Remus had shared his secret, only the Marauders – and Kate – had surprised him with their reactions. And really, given the fact that Sirius, James and Peter had sussed it out on their own, their reaction didn't count. Lily, however – and as always – was unique.
They were seated on a low stone wall overlooking Hagrid's hut. As Remus spoke, Lily listened intently, saying nothing. When he had finished disclosing the nature of his condition, she moved closer to him on the wall – and punched him in the shoulder.
"Ow!" Remus protested, rubbing the offended spot. "What was that for?"
"Remus John Lupin, I figured it out three years ago! I've been waiting for you to tell me, you big git! What did you think I would do – run screaming from the room, tearing at my hair?" Lily raised one eyebrow at him, face flushed and tone indignant. "Do you think I love you so little that I would do that?"
Remus felt his throat catch and he leaned over and pulled Lily into a hug. "I'm sorry, Lils; truly sorry."
Lily relented and hugged him back. "I worried that it was because I was Muggle-born and you thought I wouldn't understand."
Remus drew back and looked at her in surprise. "Lily, that never entered my head. But I'll wager that having figured it out three years ago, you've probably done enough research that you understand only slightly less thoroughly than I do."
She chuckled. "Ok, ok; maybe I did spend a little time in the library. I'm assuming the boys know; does Kate?"
Remus nodded, "Just," he said, releasing her and dropping to sit on the grass below the wall. Lily joined him and the two sat quietly for a while.
"I'm guessing this has something to do with what's happened with Sirius," Lily guessed, picking a pink clover from the patch next to her and playing with the flower absently.
"Right in one," Remus said quietly and proceeded to tell Lily what had happened at the last full moon. Like he had with Kate, he left out any mention of the 'pack'; it was not his secret alone and he would not divulge it to anyone.
Lily's expression was, in turn, stunned, horrified, furious and, finally, sad. It took her a long time to speak after Remus had finished his tale, but finally she broke the silence. "What a bloody mess this is!"
Remus nodded. "It is, indeed."
Lily looked down at the now-mangled flower clutched in her fist. "It feels like there's something missing, though. I agree with Kate's assessment; Sirius is nothing if not loyal. This behavior isn't like him at all." She tossed the clover to one side and grabbed another, picking at the blossom as she looked thoughtfully into the distance.
Remus sighed. "Perhaps it's more a question of where Sirius' loyalties actually lie, Lils. No one doubts his capacity for fidelity, but perhaps he's just being faithful to his heritage – to the way he was raised. Maybe it's been there all along and we just haven't seen it."
He felt something glance off his cheek and land in his lap. It was the little clover; Lily had chucked it at him and was now staring him down with a look of irritation on her normally lovely face.
"Bollocks!" she bit out. "You don't really believe that tripe, do you? When he spoke to me this morning, he didn't say he didn't want to associate with you any longer. Sirius said that you all had told him you didn't want to be his friend. Doesn't it stand to reason that if he really bought into everything he was told at home – and had this sudden epiphany that the past 5 years had been against his nature – that he would have run you off?"
Remus closed his eyes. "What do you think he did when he betrayed me to Snape, Lily? He had to know that this would be the end result."
"So, rather than just tell you to your face that he suddenly realized Pureblood mania was his calling, he'd plan this elaborate way to show you?" Lily shook her head. "I'm not buying it, Remus. Sirius never plans anything other than pranks. He reacts to things; he doesn't think things through. That's patterned behavior for Sirius."
Remus stood, extending his hand to Lily to help her up as well. "It doesn't matter the motivation, Lily; the bottom line is that Sirius used me to get to Severus and the result could have been deadly for several of us. Even if it was a spontaneous act, Sirius weighed my trust against getting one over on Snape and he chose based on his hatred rather than his loyalty. I became expendable in his pursuit of his ultimate goal. It was very Slytherin of him, wasn't it?"
"I can't believe that you would throw five years of friendship out the window without at least trying to talk to him, without trying to understand what was going through his mind. You know, Severus and I are friends but he can be pretty ill tempered and underhanded when he wants to be. How do you know he didn't threaten Sirius with something ghastly – something that would hurt all of you, not just him?" Lily tried to reason with her friend as they walked back up to the castle for lunch. It was apparently to no avail.
"First of all, as I told you, I did talk to Sirius; there's nothing left for us to say. Secondly, there's nothing I can think of that Severus could threaten that would explain or condone Sirius' choice of action and, finally, I can't believe that you can't see things from our perspective," Remus said firmly.
"Listen to yourself: 'our perspective', indeed," Lily shot back. "You, James and Peter have set yourselves up as judge and jury. You control the testimony; you control the outcome. Collectively. You shut him down, so Black's gone into full retreat mode. Alone. He certainly saw things from 'your perspective', didn't he?"
They had just reached the front doors of the school and Lily laid a hand on Remus' arm to delay him entering the castle for a moment. "Listen," she said quietly. "I don't deny that what he did is reprehensible; truly, I don't. Or that you all aren't totally justified in feeling anything you want toward him. All I'm saying is that what Black did is so far removed from everything he's said and done since first year that it just might merit a little more evaluation than an emotional chat, had in anger and a , 'move on mate'. If I were the three of you, I'd want to know more before I closed the book on him." She searched Remus' face then sighed. "Fine. You're not budging. Maybe if you think about it for awhile, you'll change your mind. Meanwhile, let's go find the others, shall we?"
Remus nodded and followed her inside, his thoughts focused on Gryffindor tower – and an empty space where a friend used to be.
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"How did it go?" James asked as he and Remus sat down to lunch. Kate and Lily were off by themselves.
"She hit me," Remus said. "She'd figured it out three years ago and was wondering when I was going to tell her."
James smiled. "That's my girl." He pushed his shepherd's pie around on his plate a bit before asking, "You told her about what happened with Sirius, right?"
Remus swallowed a bit of his salad and nodded. "Yes. She thinks there's more to it than meets the eye."
James nodded. "Yeah. I'm beginning to think so, too."
Remus sighed. "Alright. I suppose it's crossed my mind once or twice as well. Any idea what it could be – this missing data?"
James shook his head. "No clue. And you know he won't talk to us; he fuckin' moved out on us, didn't he? Sends a pretty clear message."
"After the one we sent him," Peter piped up and the others turned to look at him. "What? I was there. I know what we said to him too, you know." At that point, Sirius walked past the table, heading out of the Great Hall. The boys watched him go then Peter continued, "And we all can see what it's done."
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"Kate, you know, Sirius mentioned you when I tried to talk to him this morning," Lily said as Kate sipped her tea, her eyes following Sirius' progress out of the Hall.
Her attention snapped to Lily. "What did he say?"
"Something about how you finally saw him for who and what he really is and that you didn't like what you saw," the redhead replied. "Katie, what happened between you two that Sunday?"
Kate's eyes filled and she shook her head. "I can't, Lily; please don't push me."
"Did you believe him? Whatever it was that he told you, did it seem in character to you?"
Kate thought back to her last conversation with Sirius and how he had assumed Remus had told her he'd intentionally sent Severus to a certain death. About how Sirius was nothing but pretense until that full moon when he decided to show himself a true member of the Black family. She shuddered. Did it seem in character to her? "No," she answered Lily truthfully. "No, it did not seem in character to me at all."
"Did you believe him? Because he seems to think that you did," Lily said.
"I don't know," Kate confessed. "I don't know if I actually believed the things he said to me, or if I was just horrified by them – by the passion with which he delivered them. I can tell you this much, Sirius believed them. He believed every single word that came out of his mouth; believed it with all of his heart. I've never seen him that way," she said. "It was frightening."
"Maybe he intended it to be," Lily said thoughtfully.
"But then the question becomes, why did he intend to be so frightening? Was it because he knew he was speaking the truth and wanted to make sure I had no interest in staying with him, or – was it because he thought I'd believed what others had told me and he wanted me to leave him on his terms? It makes my head ache to think of it all," Kate said, closing her eyes.
"Maybe he didn't want to hear your voice saying the things he'd already heard from James and Remus," Lily mused. "His biggest loss in this whole mess would be you; he'd want to control the exit, wouldn't he?"
Kate nodded. "Patterned behavior, isn't it? But nothing we can do anything about. He's clearly not interested in talking things over, much less patching them up. I'm very worried about what will happen when we leave for summer holiday, Lily. He's going to take this … this thing with him to that awful place. He won't be in the right frame of mind to stand up to his parents – or to try to defend himself. Even if what he told me is true, I would hate to see anyone subjected to that kind of treatment."
"Does he know how to reach you in London?" Lily asked.
"Yes, he has my address, but I can't imagine he'd use it," Kate replied. "Not after all that's happened."
"See if you can get him alone to talk to him. Make sure he knows that it's alright for him to get in touch with you over the holiday if he needs to talk or anything," Lily suggested. "At least then you'll know that you've done all that you can to help him."
"I'll think about it, Lils."
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"Bloody Lily Evans!" Sirius' angry voice reverberated in the silence of his new room as he slammed the heavy door behind him and threw his book bag on the floor with some force. Why the fuck couldn't she just leave it alone? But, no; she has to come up to me and force a conversation it all. Wants to make it better; get us all together to work it out! Bollocks that!
He sat down in the wooden chair in front of his desk. It would have been bad enough if she'd left it at Remus, James and Peter. Sirius stared down at his hands. She had to bring Kate into it. Katie.
Over the past weeks, when he'd managed to get to sleep, his dreams were haunted by the horrified look that had been on Kate's face when they'd last spoken. The look that came with his revelation about the root cause of his actions against Snape. Her face and Remus' warred for dominance during those long, torturous hours of night. When he awoke, drenched in sweat, tears streaming unchecked down his cheeks, he calmed himself with the reminder that she was better off without him; they all were. In those first moments of awakening, before conscious thought fully took hold, Sirius wanted nothing more than to be part of that which he had lost. His betrayal of Remus had shaken him to his core; when Kate had realized the truth of what he'd told her about his nature, about who he really was, he knew that she would never want him again. Really, how could she? How could anyone? He'd had to push her away but Merlin how it hurt not to have her. And, even though he knew that those dreams were the product of the pain that he did his best to push down during the day, Sirius didn't know how to manage it any differently.
Sirius stood and began to pace. There were three weeks left until school broke for the summer holiday. Usually, the specter of Grimmauld Place loomed large before him at this time of year; but now he couldn't find it in himself to think about it. He needed to find a way to avoid his former friends until term ended and he returned to London. Moving out helped and classes would be manageable; he rarely saw more than the backs of their heads owing to his new seating arrangements. Meals, however, would be particularly challenging – particularly given the fact that Lily had chosen the Great Hall for her attempt at conversation today. He really had to eat, there wasn't much avoiding that. Kitchen raids, where enjoyable once upon a time, were now dangerous; who knew when he might run into his former friends and be forced into unwanted conversation. But how to solve this particular problem?
Sirius stopped abruptly, a smile slowly forming on his face. He closed his eyes and focused; a moment later, there was a soft pop behind him and Sirius turned to see a bar of Honeydukes Finest on the top of his desk. Well, that takes care of the food problem, he thought. He pushed the chocolate bar out of the way and pulled his book bag up from the floor. A little homework and he'd figure out dinner later on.
So maybe it doesn't take care of the real problem, Sirius thought to himself. But maybe I can get rid of the dreams for awhile. If he couldn't manage the pain during the day, at least he might be able to get some sleep at night.
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Although Remus was still angry and resentful over Sirius' betrayal, he couldn't deny that he became concerned when Sirius stopped appearing in the Great Hall for meals. It was a concern shared by James, Peter, Lily and Kate, but they quickly found that Sirius was decidedly unapproachable. Peter accurately pointed out that Sirius appeared to have found some resource for food as he did not appear to be ill nor was he any thinner than he'd been before the Prank.
Kate had known from the beginning that Sirius had taken up running and, for reasons unknown to her, had kept that information to herself. She had taken to rising early most mornings, however, and, under cover of a Disillusionment charm, sat in the Quidditch stands while he ran his morning laps. Kate told herself that she was just making certain that he was alright; but if she wanted to be honest with herself, Kate would admit that she was doing so in hopes that she would one day be brave enough to approach him. It wasn't the conversation she feared – it was another rejection.
On the Friday before they were all to leave Hogwarts for holiday, Kate realized that this was her last chance to talk with Sirius. Their classes ended mid-day, the Leaving Feast would be that evening and the next morning, everyone would be scurrying to gather their things and get to Hogsmeade and the Hogwarts Express.
She rose earlier than usual, showered, dressed, cast her usual Disillusionment charm and made her way to the Pitch. Checking the surface of the playing area, Kate saw the now familiar sight of a bare-chested Sirius, in track shorts and trainers, taking in his daily run. Kate felt herself shiver as she watched the play of muscles in his smooth back, the strong legs and his now sculpted chest. Despite her concerns about all that he had told her the last time they'd spoken, Kate couldn't deny that she was still very much attracted to the handsome wizard.
Kate sat silently, refreshing the Disillusionment charm once as she waited for Sirius to finish his routine. Finally, he slowed and walked the perimeter of the area before stooping to pick his wand from the pocket of his robes and casting cleansing and grooming charms on himself before donning his robes and walking from the Pitch onto the grounds.
Kate had begun walking down from the stands when Sirius began casting the grooming charms. Thus, she was waiting for him when he walked through the exit of the Pitch. She murmured, "Finite" and stepped toward him.
"Sirius," she said quietly, watching as he stopped in his tracks and turned in the direction of her voice.
"Kate," he replied, not meeting her eyes. "What are you doing down here?"
"I've been coming down every morning for the past couple of weeks," she confessed. "I've been trying to work up the nerve to speak with you."
Sirius felt his heart clench at her words. Have I frightened you so badly, Katie, that you have to find the courage to talk to me? "The fact that it took you two weeks to do it should probably tell you that this is not a good idea," he replied. There. Appropriately cool and uninviting.
Kate took a step back from him at that. "What's happened to you, Sirius?"
He sighed. "Kate, nothing has 'happened' to me. This is who I am. I told you this weeks ago."
"No! This is not who you are! You're trying to make me believe that you're a true Black – cruel, selfish, devious. I know this isn't true." Kate walked closer to him and slipped her hand in his.
Don't do this to me, Katie, Sirius begged silently. Don't touch me; don't fight for me. I'm not worth it. But it felt so good, this minor contact with her. He had been weeks without it and that was unusual for the very tactile young man. He was dismayed to realize that his traitorous thoughts had led him to squeeze her hand firmly. Sirius dropped her hand as if it was on fire.
"Stop it, Kate! I can't be with you anymore. I realize now that I never should have tried. I'm a Black, Kate and we don't love people. We use them and we hurt them. Go find someone who will be kind to you, will really care for you. I'm not that person; I never was," Sirius began to walk quickly up the hill before she could see the tears that had started to form in his eyes. Moments later, he was stunned to feel the back of his robes pulled violently. Sirius turned to find Kate standing there, her old fury alive and well in her eyes.
"Fine. You want to give me the gate, you go right ahead and try! You've done it before – just used a different excuse. But know this, you're not fooling me one bit. You've convinced yourself that you're the living example of every clichéd and twisted characteristic of your family; congratulations! You're wrong, of course, but you need time or some kind of reverse epiphany to figure that out. Ok, fine. I can wait you out. Someday, you'll come to me and I'll get to hear the rest of your story. You'll come to me because you need someone to listen to you. You've ostracized everyone else, after all. And I will listen, because if you persist in this perverse behavior, at least I'll have the chance to know just why the hell you're doing it." Kate paused for breath and to brush the tears from her cheeks. She fished around in the pocket of her robes and pulled out a folded piece of paper. Kate extended her hand to him. "Take it," she said more quietly. When he did not, Kate reached over and took his hand, turning it palm-up and placing the paper in his grasp. She curled his fingers over it before she spoke again. "You're going back home tomorrow, Sirius and you've convinced yourself that you belong there. I guarantee you that when you've been there for awhile, you're going to remember who you really are – and it won't be a member of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, either." She nodded toward his fist. "That's my address. When you wake up and remember who the real Sirius Black is – and exactly where he doesn't belong, that's where I'll be. Owl me. Show up at my door – I don't care which. Because I'll be waiting, in spite of you and everything you said to me weeks ago and today. You might have forgotten who you really are – but I haven't; I won't." Kate nodded. "There. That's everything I wanted to say." And with that, she brushed past him and walked up the hill, never looking back.
Had she done so, she would have seen Sirius gazing after her, clutching his closed fist to his chest, a look of complete longing on his face.
