A/N: yes I am updating 2 chapters in one day because I wanted it to be caught up to where we are on ao3. my continued thanks to renee and august for being absolute bosses every time i show up in their dm's like "wtf am i doing." this chapter is much longer than usual and is one of my favorites (i think the next 3 are quite packed!)
thank you so much for being here and i hope you like the new chapter!
Christmas came and went and Sirius caused about as much of an uproar as he dared by showing up at his parents' house uninvited, his mother's shrieking voice chasing him from it when she'd found him rummaging for a few items he left behind in his room.
She always was a cheery woman.
But reminiscing on his mother's caustic words and Kreacher's reluctant obedience to Sirius despite being a disappointment of a son who broke his mother's heart was neither here nor there. Sirius cast it from his mind as he took the last few steps up the spiral staircase.
Raising his hand to knock, he froze when he heard a voice, angry and loud , on the other side of the door.
"They're children, Albus!"
Sirius heard McGonagall's voice coming through the headmaster's door, and his hand stilled. He lowered it, hardly daring to breathe. He had never heard his head of house and the headmaster yelling before.
He leaned closer to the door.
"They are of age , Minerva," Dumbledore said sternly.
"Hardly," a voice scoffed.
Sirius' heart began to pound. He knew that voice.
"They are barely qualified wizards and witches and you want to dress them up for battle." Lupin's voice was deadly quiet, a far cry from the tired wizard or playful wolf that Sirius had seen the last few weeks. Still further from the open, jovial man he wished to see more often.
"Remus is right," McGonagall continued. "They may be of age, but they are still our students. They are still our responsibility. And yours," she added with bite in her words. "How can you ask this of them?"
Sirius heard Dumbledore sigh, and he knew that the other professors would get nowhere. "Because they deserve to be given the choice. The chance to fight. Now that is all I shall say on the matter. I have no doubt that Mr. Black is most eager to know what we've been discussing."
Sirius stepped back with a start, almost slipping on the top step. The door swung inwards and the three of them were staring at him.
It took every ounce of willpower not to immediately seek Lupin's eyes for comfort. But Dumbledore was smiling, and didn't seem to be cross with him.
"Sorry, sir," he said. "I was just—I got your note." He held it up, rather pathetically, in his hand for good measure. "I can come back later."
Lupin turned to Dumbledore, glaring at him. "You did that on purpose."
"Nonsense," Dumbledore said, though whether it was to Sirius or Lupin wasn't clear. He gestured the Head Boy in.
Sirius took a step forward, feeling as if he were walking into…well, it was hard to say if it was a lion's den or a snake pit, but it wasn't good.
"Remus, Minerva, if you don't mind, I have an appointment with Mr. Black. I will speak to you both again later, but I warn you now not to waste your energy on further arguments. My position will not change. Please do try to see reason."
Lupin stalked off, his fists balled at his sides, and Sirius was sure he heard him mumbling something like I'll give you reason as he walked past him, but he did not meet Sirius' eyes once.
McGonagall merely patted his shoulder on her way out.
With them gone, the room's quiet became loud. Sirius stared at Dumbledore politely, but the hair on the back of his neck stood on end.
Dumbledore leaned forward, taking a bowl from his desk and holding it out towards Sirius.
"Lemon drop?"
~0~0~
"Professor," Sirius said, following Lupin out of breakfast in the great hall the next day. He hadn't slept well, Lupin's fierce protectiveness showing up every time he closed his eyes. He had to speak to him, needed to see him alone agai . "Professor, wait."
"I have things to do, Sirius," Lupin said sharply, turning down the corridor for his office. But Sirius wouldn't be deterred that easily, and he followed him all the way there.
Lupin sighed in resignation as Sirius stopped just behind him. He unlocked and opened the door to his office, not bothering to try to keep the younger man out.
"What do you want?" he said rudely as he went to his desk, sitting behind it and shuffling through papers on it's surface.
Sirius shut the door behind him and made his way to the familiar couch. He knew Lupin was frustrated, but he wasn't afraid of the man's bad mood. He clasped his hands and waited.
Eventually, Lupin looked up. He raised an eyebrow as if to say "so?"
"Why don't you want me in the Order, sir?" Sirius watched him calmly, deferential in the hopes it would soften the man's ire.
Lupin's emotions didn't waver. "You are a child," he said simply.
Sirius did his best not to bristle, but Lupin truly had immediately gone for the sore spot. "I'm not a child."
"Yes you are." He didn't look up from the papers.
"No, I'm not," Sirius replied with perfect calm.
"Yes, you are." Lupin tilted his head down in what Sirius thought might be a play at authority, but it didn't work.
"No, I'm not . This conversation is childish perhaps, but that doesn't make me one." Sirius held his gaze, daring Lupin to contradict him.
After a beat, Lupin exhaled, his anger deflating instantly. He sat back in his chair, tilting his head back to look at the ceiling.
Sirius waited patiently. Eventually, Lupin took a deep breath and stood, coming over to the chair next to the couch Sirius was on. The chair he usually sat in when they'd work on the protective charms.
"You have no idea what they're asking of you. What they will expect of you. These aren't a few pranks, this is a war, Sirius, and you could die." His voice cracked. "And I don't want you to die."
Sirius watched the man who was gazing at him with such sincerity, and he believed him. "So help me prepare," Sirius said, dropping all formalities and honorifics and leaning forward with his arms on his knees. "Please, I want to fight. I need to. Help me be ready."
"And how would you suggest I do that?" Lupin asked sincerely.
"Train me. Teach me. Show me defensive spells we wouldn't learn in class."
Lupin simply stared at him longer, and Sirius could see the whirling emotions in the man's eyes. Emotions perhaps even he didn't understand yet. Because after what felt like minutes of this, all he said, quietly, was, "I don't want you to die."
Sirius leaned in further. "Believe it or not," he said, and his voice was light and teasing, "I would prefer that as well."
Lupin chuckled and Sirius leaned further, swallowing his nerve as he placed his hand on top of Lupin's clasped fists.
His heart beat wildly. It was the first non-essential contact he had initiated with the man, ever. Sirius thought it was innocuous enough that if it was unwanted, Lupin would be able to brush it off.
But Lupin stared hard at their hands and didn't appear to be breathing.
And then he gently clapped one down on top of Sirius' and looked at him with a jovial smile and said, "All right. Let's begin."
~0~0~
That was how the thread of their friendship was picked up once again, with them meeting twice a week as Lupin prepared Sirius for a war he knew nothing about. They went through more defensive spells than Sirius ever would have discovered on his own without years of auror training. He didn't ask Lupin where he'd learned them all; being a werewolf had undoubtedly left him needing to defend himself against all manner of things. Sirius knew he couldn't have had much by way of stable job or housing before Hogwarts. Magical creatures were rarely treated well in the wizarding world.
A pang of guilt lanced through Sirius at that thought, and he resolved to be ten percent nicer to Kreacher the next time he saw him. The annoying thing that he was.
But over the weeks Sirius' dueling skills improved, his reflexes got sharper, and he felt, for the first time, a level of satisfaction with the exhaustion he felt at the end of their sessions. It was akin to the feeling he got weaving spells into protective jewelry, but it was more physical than that. His whole body was fighting for them and he could feel it.
Classes, lessons, full moons, Sirius and Lupin rekindled the easy friendship they had struck up at the beginning of the year and Sirius' heart sang. Lupin's proximity was intoxicating, though he was very focused during their duels. But after…when they were in his office and both collapsed in chairs and couches, nursing butterbeers and tea, Sirius felt a sense of ease and safety he'd never felt anywhere before. It was as if they'd done this forever, as if this was their natural state of being with each other.
And there were the looks. There were always the looks.
The elation of a particularly good duel was what pushed him to take a chance one night that he hadn't dared attempt before. As Lupin fell onto the couch in his office, he looked up at Sirius with a boyish grin and wandlessly waved tea to float over to them. This was one of the things Sirius was falling for the hardest; Lupin seemed so at ease around him, so lighthearted, even in the midst of an oncoming war.
So he decided to be bold. One of them had to be.
Sirius took it upon himself to sit on the end of the couch instead of the opposite chair as he normally would. Lupin was rather tall, so his legs were bent at the knees, and he pulled them closer to his body for Sirius to sit.
But Sirius deftly swiped a hand under the man's knees and straightened his legs onto his lap.
The tea tray crashed from the air onto the rug.
Lupin sat up suddenly, pulling his legs away, and hustled towards the fallen tray. "Damn," he said shakily.
Sirius swallowed. "It's all right, I've got it." He waved his wand and repaired the broken china, righting it on the table. "I can make us more."
But when he looked at Lupin, who was now standing by the tea cart, the man still had his back to him.
Sirius felt a cold sweat begin on his forehead. "Are you all right?"
Lupin turned and looked back at him. "Yes. I'm fine."
"Are you sure?" Sirius stood and moved closer to where Lupin was now leaning against the cart for support.
The sandy haired man looked nervous, younger than he usually did. Sirius watched him swallow hard.
Standing half a foot away from him, Sirius took a deep breath and reached up, pushing some of Lupin's hair back, their eyes meeting and breathing stilled.
"Sirius…" Lupin breathed.
"Yes?" he asked quietly, hand still tucked in his soft, fine hair as he leaned in…just a little…
"You have to go."
Sirius flinched, dropping his hand immediately as he pulled back. "But—"
"You have to go. Please, Sirius. Go." Lupin looked at him unblinking as his eyes implored Sirius to follow his command.
Sirius bit the inside of his cheeks to stop himself from arguing. There was something volatile here, he knew, and he wouldn't withstand the explosion. This wouldn't be like his family rejecting him, turning him out. He wouldn't walk away unscathed into a loving home elsewhere. He would splinter, pieces of him flying off into the world like shrapnel, destroyed inside and destroying out.
So he looked at Lupin for only a moment longer before he turned, took his bag, and quietly left.
~0~0~
Hiding was a strong word for it, but Sirius was definitely avoiding his usual haunts as the memory of Lupin turning him out of his office still burned in his chest. He took his meals quickly, without looking up at the Head Table, and thankfully the weekend provided respite from classes. He knew it could only last so long, but he was grateful for the space nonetheless.
On that Sunday afternoon, Sirius lie on his bed levitating a slim silver wrist cuff above his head. The canopy swayed gently in the breeze from the open window, red and gold trim shimmering as rays of sunlight permeated the thick cloud cover. Sirius watched the bracelet turn as his thoughts flew and tumbled over themselves, one and then the other to make themselves known to him and leave him with more questions than answers.
The bracelet rotated in the air and Sirius cast one, two, three charms at it. He watched as the magic bound itself to the metal, linking the spells and settling into the jewelry. The Black family crest stood out against the metal, embossed in perfect condition, enchanted to never fade.
He bit his lip and stared as it glowed red hot and then cooled once more.
~0~0~
But one weekend, and even one week, hadn't been enough to purge the memory from their shared consciousness.
Lupin's mood had been sour since the day Sirius last saw him in his office. Not towards Sirius; no, he hardly spoke to Sirius at all. Didn't look at him, didn't stop by his desk in class, didn't invite him to practice any more spells after dinner. Definitely didn't assign him any detentions—though who could; the Head Boy's behavior had been vastly improved since his string of detentions with the DADA professor earlier in the year. Sure, he made just as many jokes as he ever had, but he hadn't pulled any massive pranks since then. More than once Sirius heard them whisper in hushed tones about how he was turning into a proper Head Boy. Thank the gods they couldn't see the highly improper things he did in his bed every night while imagining his Defense professor kissing his jaw, his neck, his chest, and then lower, lower, still lower...the thoughts inspiring a heat that would have had the old professors clutching their pearls.
Before now, anyway. Because now Sirius was trying his best not to focus on the young professor whose mood was and wasn't transparent. No one else had said anything about it, but it was obvious to Sirius that he was in a dark mood if you knew what to look for. It wasn't a constant either, and Lupin wasn't being cruel by any means, but his temper was shorter, his posture standoffish, and he generally engaged in less small talk with the students during class exercises. He didn't look angry; he just looked like a man who'd come off worse in a fight, and it pained Sirius to know both that he was the cause and that he couldn't do anything about it.
But Sirius refused to feel guilty or ashamed for long. He may have been the younger one, but he was braver than the object of his affection. So he wouldn't be made to feel like he'd done something wrong. That it was his fault. Especially not for Lupin pulling away from him. Sirius wasn't a child, not in the magical or Muggle world, and he wouldn't let the man who had become his friend make him feel like one just because he was willing to take a chance on something that was clearly growing between them.
And it was...wasn't it? The doubt set in and stole the roaring indignation from his lungs, so he sat quietly at dinner and ate his potatoes.
~0~0~
As the days wore on, Sirius focused more and more on the war instead. Lupin had been wrong. Sirius wanted to fight, he wanted to be a part of it all, he was old enough, and now he had some of the skills he needed to have a fair chance of surviving in whatever dark battle loomed on the horizon. He spent nights training James in empty classrooms, bestowing the same knowledge Lupin had given him upon his best friend, the only constant in his world.
They were both elated that Dumbledore had insisted on giving them the opportunity to help the wizarding world. War was coming, lines were being drawn, and things were changing so fast it nearly made their heads spin. Both boys had had ambitions to be aurors, but it seemed that dream might have to wait as they fought whatever evil threatened the delicate balance of their world.
That was what was important. That was where their focus belonged.
At least, that is what Sirius told himself every night to fall asleep.
As his purpose grew outside of his interactions with Lupin, Sirius found it harder and harder to be bothered by the man's dour mood. From his own observations, Sirius knew Lupin was well acquainted with being mercurial; if he didn't want to address the issue at hand, there was nothing Sirius could do to change that. It wasn't his responsibility to do so, and if Lupin wanted to be the "adult" then he could bloody well act like one.
Sirius knew he would see him for the next moon in no time anyway, and focused on that in the moments that emotion wracked his gut and he missed this person who mattered to him. The moon would put them together again, even if only Sirius knew that. Surely running as fast and hard as they could would help rid them both of some of the pent up energy their tense interactions had left them with.
In the meantime, the sun was shining too brightly to stay indoors, and his best friend was pulling him through the castle with brooms in their hands.
Flying was everything to Sirius; from the first day he'd displayed magical talent, he wished and wished that he would grow wings to fly far away from his family's home forever. He dreamed that he would soar through the skies and land on the doorstep of a loving family who would never threaten to Crucio him for failing to think the salty substance running through his veins somehow had fewer impurities than someone like Lily Evans'. He never did spontaneously fly out of his window, but running away to stay with the Potters came close. And though he reveled in the idea of flying unassisted by anything but a light summer breeze, he felt that sailing above the quidditch pitch with James on their brooms was easily the next best thing.
By the time he and James had touched down again on the unseasonably warm day, they were both sweating and laughing. Sirius had even caught the practice snitch before James twice—something he'd sworn to keep secret when it happened on occasion lest word get back to their quidditch captain—and a signature grin stole over his face as he pulled his shirt off to wipe away the sweat that had collected on his face and neck.
"How's Evans? I haven't seen her around much." Sirius lay on the field perpendicular to James where the other had cast a temperature charm to make lying on the ground in winter tolerable. The two let the sunshine beat down on them as they regained their breath.
James was silent for a moment, and Sirius was afraid that perhaps the ruby redhead had also broken James' heart.
"I think I love her," he whispered.
Sirius snorted. "Well I knew that."
James hit Sirius with his quidditch gloves, but he laughed. "Shove off, I didn't even know it yet."
"It's obvious, mate." Sirius looked at him, craning his neck to see his friend. "And she clearly loves you too, you bloody wanker."
"When did you become an expert on love, exactly?" James demanded, clearly embarrassed but pleased just the same.
Sirius blushed, looking skyward. "Dunno. Just seems rather straight-forward. You love her, she loves you. You'll both get married and have a nauseatingly happy life with a kid—dibs on godfather, by the way—and probably a dog and it'll be perfect."
"Probably," James agreed, a smile stealing over his face. "Probably a cat though, I think."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." James nudged him. "We already have a dog."
Sirius didn't look at him, smiling up at the sun with his eyes closed.
"Now we just need to find you someone and then we can rent a flat all together."
"Not me," he replied, stretching his arms above his head. "I'm a lone wolf."
Sirius could hear the eyeroll in James' laugh. "Stray is more like it—"
He went to smack his friend on the arm, but when he turned his head to look at James, he spotted someone else.
Lupin was walking across the field, not too far from them, and Sirius felt the smile before it was even a conscious thought, as if his brain had forgotten the awkward tension between them in light of his good mood in the sun. Sitting up and effectively cutting James off, he shouted, "Professor!"
Lupin looked over from his walk where he seemed lost in thought and registered the two boys. Sirius could have sworn that he saw Lupin's eyes dart down to the planes of his chest for a moment before looking back up.
James sat up too and waved. "Professor Lupin!"
The man grimaced, and Sirius wondered if he was trying to think of a way out. His heart pounded as he realized what he had done, inviting him over to them like that. It was going to be the first real interaction they had outside of class since Lupin nearly rejected him. Sirius' stomach felt queasy and he wished he could take his impromptu shout back.
Lupin looked like he wished for the same. He seemed not to have found a reason to ignore them as he was walking towards them now, his shoulders a little more stiff than Sirius had ever seen before.
"What are you doing out here today, sir?" James asked as Lupin approached. It was rare for professors to walk as far as the quidditch pitch unless there was a game scheduled.
"Hello boys." And though it was addressed to both of them, Lupin's eyes only met James'. "I need to look for a few things in the forbidden forest." His shoulders remained tense.
Sirius frowned. "Potion ingredients, sir? Can't Professor Slughorn help?" He hadn't intended to say anything unless Lupin addressed him directly, but the pallid look on the man's face made Sirius' stomach clench with worry.
He wondered if aconite grew in the forest.
Lupin still wouldn't look at him. "No, Professor Slughorn is quite busy. I don't want to bother him for such trivial matters. I can do it myself. Are you boys enjoying the sunshine?"
"Yes, sir," James said easily, and Sirius felt a flare of jealousy at how effortless it was for him to speak with their professor.
"That's good." Lupin looked up against the sunshine, the wind blowing his hair just the right amount to make Sirius' heart skip several beats; he understood now why they called it heartache.
"I'll be cheering you on for the Gryffindor-Slytherin match of course," Lupin said to James.
Sirius stared so hard that he was sure Lupin must have felt it, but the man wouldn't look at him.
"Thanks, sir," James replied, standing up and brushing his hands on his legs. "Do you want to fly with us? We were just getting some practice in."
"We like to keep James' eyesight sharp," Sirius said in a smug tone, and with a half-second of panic that was quickly schooled to neutral, Lupin finally looked at him.
"My eyesight is plenty sharp, thank you," James said with a pout.
Sirius raised a brow as if to ask Lupin if he agreed. He watched the man stammer, two pink spots appearing on his cheeks as he looked down at the ground and said, "Oh, no, I would be no match for the two of you, I'm afraid. Youth has the advantage here."
"You're not that old," Sirius said. Lupin loosed a chuckle but did not look up at him. "Besides, he'll probably leave me to go see his girlfriend soon"—and here Lupin did meet his eyes for the briefest of seconds—"so it would be one on one."
Please say yes. Please just talk to me. Please look at me.
Lupin looked off towards the forest. "I really should be going. I need to collect these plants before the temperatures drop again later." He inclined his head in a nod. "I'll see you both back at the school. James, Sirius." But he did not meet Sirius' eye.
Lupin turned to head for the forest and Sirius looked on, bereft. He wracked his brain for anything that might convince the man to stay longer, even if Lupin wouldn't look at him. It was better than the silence. He had missed him more than he realized, and he just wanted things to go back to normal. But every step took his professor farther from him.
"Sirius?" James asked.
Quickly, without thinking it through long enough to second-guess himself, Sirius stood and jogged to where Lupin was walking, his shirt left behind on the ground. He faintly heard his name behind him as James called to him, but the blood pulsing in his ears was louder.
"Professor!" he called as he approached.
Lupin turned in surprise—and Sirius' stomach fluttered the way it always did when Lupin was surprised, his mouth open slightly. How Sirius would love to tease that mouth with his tongue…
He shook his head to clear his thoughts as he pulled up alongside Lupin.
"Sirius?"
"I was wondering," he said, "if I could help you collect the plants. For your—whatever potion you're making," Sirius stumbled quickly to correct himself. And on impulse, flashed Lupin a smile brighter than all the stars in his family tree.
Lupin gave him a strange look and Sirius willed his expression not to change, hoping that his blunder wouldn't be noticed, and hoping any sweat would be excused by the exercise. Almost too fast to see, as if it were an accident, an impulse, Lupin looked up and down Sirius' form, and then quickly looked away. Sirius was thankful, as he felt heat burn in his cheeks from the brief gaze.
"I don't think so, Sirius. It wouldn't be appropriate to bring a student into the forbidden forest."
Sirius stepped in front of him as he went to walk away, his hand briefly coming into contact with Lupin's arm and Sirius felt that familiar spark. He stopped in front of him and Lupin was now only a deep breath away from Sirius' chest. Sirius quickly took a step back, not wanting to crowd him, but he couldn't help but notice the blush on the other man's cheeks. Lupin swallowed hard.
"Please, sir," Sirius said with an easy smile, desperate to spend time again with the man he'd become so comfortable around all those weeks ago. "I could be helpful. And I could tell you how I've been practicing. I've shown James some of what you taught me. And the charm—"
"No." Lupin said it forcefully, more so than Sirius would have expected at that moment.
Sirius froze, his easy bravado while shirtless in front of his professor evaporating in an instant. He felt cold, and awkward. He crossed his arms over his chest and averted his gaze.
"All right," he said in a quiet voice. "Another time, then." And strode back towards James, arms still held protectively in front of him.
As he approached his friend who was staring at him with a quizzical look, Sirius did not look back.
~0~0~
Sirius spent the next week immersed in the Restricted Section. If he was going to fight a war, he had better be prepared, and he couldn't exactly pop round to his family's library every time he had a question about the Dark Arts and how to recognize different curses.
If he thought too hard about it, his temper flared at Lupin's behavior again, but he redoubled his efforts on focusing elsewhere. After all, there were clearly forces at large bigger than either one of them.
"Sirius."
" Merlin ." Sirius jumped, the voice saying his name practically on top of him. "Fucking hell, Reggie, don't do that."
"Don't call me that." Regulus stared at him with flat, tired eyes.
"Oh I'm sorry , shall I call you bootlicker instead? How is dear old mum these days?"
Regulus ignored the taunt completely. "What are you doing here?"
Sirius looked at him like he was thick and held up the book in his hands as an answer.
"The Head Boy doesn't need permission to be back here?"
Sirius rolled his eyes, patience wearing thin. "I have permission, Regulus. Now what do you want?"
There was no answer, so Sirius looked up after a few moments to see Regulus looking back at him, then at the book in his hands, and back up.
Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Why?"
"Research."
" Why ?"
"It's none of your business, Sirius. You made sure of that."
Regulus reached for the book but Sirius snapped it shut, holding it high above his head. Anciente and Moste Darke Curses just out of reach.
"You're a real prat, do you know that?" Regulus spit at him.
Sirius grinned in that way only older brothers could. "I do actually."
Regulus met his gaze with his own narrowed stare. "Fine, I'll come back later. Even you can't check books out of the Restricted Section." He turned on his heel and started back down the aisle, as silently as he had come.
"Watch me," Sirius murmured, turning away. Then he turned back towards his brother and half-shouted, "What are you going to do, Regulus? When everything they're asking for becomes too much?"
Regulus stopped and looked back at him. "Maybe I'll run away like you did. Like a coward."
But Sirius didn't let the barb sting. "Not just our parents. Those friends of yours too."
Regulus was silent for several breaths before he asked, with very little inflection, "Why do you care?"
Sirius swallowed, breaths coming quickly, but no words came to him.
Regulus watched for a moment longer before turning away and rounding the corner.
~0~0~
Sirius knocked on Lupin's door that night and was met with silence.
He knocked again, shifting on his feet nervously. He reached into his pocket to assure himself the wrist cuff was still there.
No one moved inside, but Sirius knew Lupin was in there. He'd checked the map.
He knocked again, feeling rather pathetic. If he were honest with himself, more than anything, he missed his friend—fiercely. He missed that normality, the constant, the familiar feeling and lightheartedness that he and Lupin had managed to achieve when they were at ease with each other. But he refused to beat himself up for "ruining" it by expressing any affection. Lupin was a grown man, he could—
The door swung open and Sirius again had the fleeting thought that he really shouldn't be able to surprise the DADA professor; perhaps he'd buy him a sneakoscope the next time he went into Hogsmeade, just in case someone with darker designs came to his door.
"Sirius," Lupin breathed, unconsciously leaning forward as he hung onto the door frame before catching himself and standing straighter, the professor emerging. "You shouldn't be out after curfew."
"I know," Sirius said, making to step past him, but Lupin held the doorframe and didn't move to let Sirius in. Sirius tilted his head down and looked up at him seriously. "This is important."
Lupin's eyes traveled up and down Sirius' body quickly as if searching for injury and Sirius tried not to blush. "What's wrong, are you hurt?"
Sirius shook his head. "No, nothing like that." And he saw the man's grip on the doorframe loosen slightly. "I need your help with the protective charm. I have—" He reached into his pocket, but Lupin cut him off and Sirius dropped the cuff back into his robes.
"Professor Flitwick is your Charms professor."
Sirius snorted indelicately. "Yeah, I know. But I figured since it's your spellwork and you were helping me with it—"
Lupin's expression grew darker. "I'm sorry, Sirius, but I can't. I'm rather busy at the moment."
For a brief flash, Sirius panicked that he would look around Lupin and see another man, another student, in his office. That it was Sirius he had rejected in the end. That he'd been wrong.
But when he peered around him, all he saw were papers strewn about the place.
He shoved his hands deeper in his pockets. "I could come back later?"
"I really don't think that would be appropriate," Lupin said without blinking.
"Appropriate, sir?"
Lupin met his gaze tiredly, and there was a sharpness to his cheeks that hadn't been there before. He wondered if the man had been eating enough. "Don't act coy, Sirius. I was once a seventeen year old boy too."
"Eighteen, actually. And Head Boy." Sirius grinned with his usual smirk and arrogance, but inside his heart felt like it was being squeezed. He watched Lupin inhale slowly through his nose.
"Even so." The man closed his eyes and rubbed the spot between his brows as if he might be getting a headache. "I have a lot of work to do." He started to close the door, but Sirius put his hand on it.
"Please, sir," and he cringed at his own use of the word, "I really did want to work on the charms. I have questions."
"I can't help you, Sirius." Lupin's eyes looked sad and like there might be regret in them, but either way, he shut the door.
Sirius stood before it, his mouth open like he might try to say something else, but no words came. He laid his hand on the solid oak wood and stared at it, pushing down the unexpected force behind the wave of emotion crashing down on him.
Without another word, he turned and left, disillusioning himself once more and making his way back towards Gryffindor tower.
~0~0~
Sirius spent the next several weeks lying low, throwing his efforts into revising for his NEWTs and practicing defensive spells with James, all the while aware that a full moon was approaching and he would not leave Lupin to deal with it alone. He hadn't abandoned him even when they weren't speaking and he wouldn't start now.
He wasn't thankful there was a moon coming up exactly—it wasn't the sort of thing he felt he could be comfortably thankful for, not when it hurt Lupin so much. Even though Sirius would give anything to take the pain of Lupin's lycanthropy from him, Sirius found those nights freeing. He felt alive, a part of something, in a way he never had before. Not at Hogwarts, and definitely not at home. Truth be told…not even with the Potters.
As he crawled out of the tunnel at half five in the morning to tackle an entire day of classes, he felt his smile slip. It was easy to forget in those few hours when Lupin needed him that the man he'd just spent all night running around with, relying on nothing but instinct, would once again lock those instincts up and pretend Sirius wasn't there.
Sirius' anger bubbled up. Lupin had said he'd wanted to be there for him. He wanted to talk to Lupin about the meetings Dumbledore had been having with him about what was to come.
And he had tried, once he felt enough time had passed. But Lupin wasn't even showing up to lessons before most of the students were in the room. Sirius didn't want to make Lupin uncomfortable. He would have given up entirely had he not caught Lupin staring at him—a lot . It seemed the man couldn't help himself. Though he never approached Sirius' desk, he often faced it, watching him from across the room. And when Sirius caught him, he would duck his head and glance up quickly beneath that sandy blond hair, sending a rush of blood to Sirius' cheeks.
It was those moments that caused Sirius' heart to pound, to sing, to believe. It was just enough to keep him wondering what it would take for the other man to admit that maybe… maybe …there was something there.
~0~0~
Soon enough, Hogsmeade weekend was approaching. January had turned to February and pink paper hearts hung from the inside of every storefront window. And as luck would have it, Professor Onai had gotten food poisoning at the Hog's Head the night before (though Sirius wasn't sure how she hadn't seen that coming) and left the staff short one chaperone.
So Sirius had made his hair as voluminous as he could, thrown on his Muggle bomber jacket he'd picked up on his last trip home, and headed out on the familiar path away from the castle.
It didn't take long to find the other chaperone.
"Sirius! What are you doing here?" Lupin bit out the words between clenched teeth as the younger boy fell in step beside him on the familiar path to the village. A group of fifth year girls bustled past them, looking back at the professor and giggling.
Sirius bit his lip to refrain from showing his amusement.
"Professor Onai is sick," he replied with as much innocence as he could muster. After all, he hadn't personally fed the woman the spoiled food. "So I volunteered to help chaperone the trip to Hogsmeade, sir. As Head Boy." He smiled in a far too self-congratulatory way to fool the older man.
Lupin scowled. He mumbled something that sounded like I doubt that as he shoved his hands further into the pockets of his own jacket. Sirius snorted but didn't say anything.
They walked in silence the rest of the way to the village. Sirius cold feel the tension radiating off his professor's body, could see it in the way his hands clenched by his sides, his nails biting into his palms. Sirius' brows drew together. He wished he could slip his hand into Lupin's and run his thumb over the back of the other man's knuckles. He wanted to soothe him, to see his shoulders drop, or even to see him laugh the way he interpreted some of the wolf's howls to be made of laughter. Most of all, he wanted to know that Lupin viewed him as a comforting presence.
The feeling hit Sirius in the gut. It was so different from the other feelings he'd identified when he thought of Lupin in bed at night—heat, passion, lust. Different from the affable camaraderie he felt when they were lounging in his rooms after a dueling session, spent and sated. Different still from the amorphous wanting and the way his heart picked up speed seeing him walk into a room.
It was more. He wanted, and wanted to give as well.
Before long, they were in Hogsmeade and Sirius drifted away a bit from Lupin to give him some space and so he could monitor the students. He was actually there to chaperone; he could do so while keeping the man in sight. It was obvious from the way Lupin watched his students, the way he kept his arms crossed over his body with his wand ready, that the man had been trained for war. It shouldn't have, but something about the authority he exuded in that moment made Sirius' mouth go dry. There was so much more to his DADA professor than an unassuming man in a tweed sweater.
At one point, Lupin turned the corner and disappeared behind Honeyduke's.
Looking around to see if anyone would notice, and deciding they wouldn't, Sirius crossed the street to the alley between the shops and turned the corner.
As soon as he had, he felt hands grab him, one going over his mouth as the other pushed him back against the wall with a surprising show of strength.
A small gasp escaped him as he hit the wall, and Sirius felt the wind knocked out of him, more from surprise than force. He wondered idly if his ribs would bruise where they pressed into the cobblestone wall.
Worth it , he thought, as he found himself looking directly into Remus Lupin's eyes.
The DADA professor was glaring at him with open hostility, and any quip Sirius wanted to make (if his mouth weren't currently covered by the older man's calloused, warm hand) died on his lips.
Lupin held his gaze as he asked in a cool, low tone, "What are you playing at?"
Sirius stared back, lost in the green eyes that narrowed at him suspiciously. He lowered his own sapphire eyes to the hand that was covering his mouth and then glanced back up. His professor got the hint and removed his hand for Sirius to speak. He was sad to lose the contact, but the warm palm pressing against his chest as the man held him back against the wall did not let up.
"I don't know what you mean," Sirius tried.
" Don't ," Lupin breathed, any patience gone as he leaned a fraction closer. It wasn't frightening per se—Sirius wasn't afraid of him—but it was sobering. He'd never seen Lupin so angry before. Sirius watched as Lupin took in a breath, then exhale slowly through his nose, calming himself. Finally, he continued in a softer tone. "Don't pretend. What exactly are you hoping to achieve here, Sirius?"
Sirius did not answer, his heart hammering in his chest as a sudden flash of romantic images cascaded through his mind. But admitting to any of them would have been humiliating in light of Lupin's previous rejections and current bad mood, so he only rose one brow and smirked. Better to let him think this was something unimportant, casual—a bit of fun to keep him entertained.
Lupin stared at him, eyes hard, still panting. "I'm only going to tell you this once. Nothing that you're imagining between us is remotely possible. Leave it alone."
Sirius' defenses shattered at the brutal honesty, and his fake smile dropped as true emotion found its way to his face. Breathing faster, Sirius licked his lips in a moment of anxious vulnerability, and replied softly, but surely, "I don't want to leave it alone."
Lupin tightened his grip on Sirius' jacket for a second and his eyes roved Sirius' face, searching him for something. For half a heartbeat, Sirius thought Lupin might kiss him. His heart was racing, and he could feel Lupin's breath against his skin.
But then the man blinked and stepped back, dropping his hold on Sirius all at once and looking as if all the air had gone out of him.
"That doesn't matter," Lupin said, all heat gone from his words. "What we want doesn't matter when it comes to things like this."
Lupin balled his fists and turned, rounding the corner as he walked out of sight.
Sirius dropped his hands to his knees as he gasped in the cold winter air, breaths coming in great heaves as his arms shook violently and adrenaline burned through his veins.
After several long moments, he had finally calmed himself enough to stand. He raised one still-shaking hand to his lips, where Lupin's palm had pressed mere minutes ago.
What we want doesn't matter when it comes to things like this. What we want doesn't matter. What we want. What we—
A smile stole unbidden across his lips and he felt them turn upwards beneath his fingertips.
What the hell was he playing at?
A/N: come find me on twitter arabellawrites1 or let me know down below, what did you think? questions, theories, thoughts on the URST? do you want to hear the songs I listen to while I'm writing? (some people like playlists i think, others don't, so i'm torn. let me know what you think!)
