A/N: Merlin... it's been a year... I hope you'll forgive me, it's really hard to be motivated and find the time or energy to write, but you know what would help?... you guessed it, A review! ;)
Chapter 10- Minerva and her Formal Procedures
... though that changed later, Voldermort initially knew his first followers on a very personal level, he knew their desires, goals, and ambitions and he would support them by validating their sense of superiority, promising them luxury, power, and even safety.
Theo sighed as he read that same page for the third time, he still couldn't decide if the author truly despised Voldermort or actually admired him.
The book turned out to be a more theoretical and philosophical book rather than the simple history book he thought it to be.
That didn't exactly disappoint him, but it made it more difficult to get through the book, he's been reading for two days and he's still in the second chapter. It mostly focused on how Voldemort chose his followers wisely, and how he'd get to a person's level instead of looking down at them. It also talked about the reason most of his followers were Slytherins, people who would stop at nothing to reach their goal, even by evil means.
The book however was yet to mention his father, which was Theo's main reason for reaching to it in the first place. He knew his father was among those followers at some point, and thus one of those Voldermort gained their trust by promising them things.
He wondered what his father would have wanted back then, and how he decided to defy him in the end.
"You're still reading that book?" asked a shirtless Finn as he walked into the dorm from the bathroom.
Theo reacted instinctively to the noise and immediately closed the book
"I'm not even past chapter two"
Finn's raised his eyebrows, surprised, but then he turned around and started searching for a shirt to wear from his drawer.
"Is it that boring?" he asked.
Theo sighed, "It's not that, it's just difficult, I have to read each page a million times to truly get it, and I'm not even sure I do"
Finn chuckled, "well maybe that's why it was in the restricted section, after all, it's not for first-years"
Theo glared at him " you're the one who encouraged me to get it!"
"I said go get any book from the restricted section, not this specific one" Finn defended.
"Yeah well, so much for that" Theo rolled his eyes, "I've actually got one more book"
"two books?" Finn sounded surprised.
"Yeah..." Theo shrugged
"Mate a book could go unnoticed, but two books?" Finn paused for dramatic effect " I'm surprised Madam Pince isn't questioning every student in the school"
"Do you really think she'd notice?" asked Theo.
"I wonder if there are tracing spells in place to know where the missing books are, you'd think they'd be more careful with a school filled with young students."
"Tracing spells?!" Theo asked, panicked, " you didn't tell me about that when you told me to steal a bloody book!"
Could there really be tracing books in place? is he gonna be in trouble? but then why didn't anyone send for him yet? Are they waiting for the next week to start?
In hindsight, he knew he was stupid for agreeing to the idea, and he didn't even get proper books out of his crime!
"Relax mate I'm just messing with you, you're not the first student to steal a book and not get caught"
"You don't know that" Theo answered, annoyed
"Trust me, I do," Finn smirked.
Theo didn't know what to say to that, so he just looked away.
"What is the other book about? maybe it's more readable than this one" Finn asked, trying to lighten the mood.
" I didn't check it out" Theo admitted.
"Well go on then, let's see it"
Theo nodded and started crawling under his bed.
"Is that really where you keep them?" Finn chuckled.
Theo ignored him as he retrieved the carefully hidden book that mysteriously had no title.
"It doesn't have any title," he noted, as he was crawling out, holding out the book for Finn to see.
Finn took the book from his hand and immediately opened it.
He kept flipping the pages, his face looking more and more confused each page "Mate.."
"So, what is it about ?" Theo asked expectantly.
"It... It's completely empty!" Finn exclaimed
"What?" Theo snorted, " stop joking!"
"I'm not!" Finn defended, still furiously flipping the pages.
Theo didn't believe him until he snatched the book from his hands and just as Finn said, there was no word written on the pages.
The book did look old, its pages were crinkled and used, as if it's been read many times, but there was nothing to be read in it.
"It's completely blank," he remarked.
"Do you think it's some sort of spell?"
"Probably.." Theo said, still not believing it.
"I think it's better if we return it, we don't know what spells—" Finn was interrupted when their dorm door suddenly opened.
Theo immediately hid the book behind his back, completely forgetting about the other book still on his bed.
But luckily, it was just Daniel.
"What are you two doing?" he eyed them suspiciously.
"The books..." Theo muttered.
Daniel's eyes suddenly widened " Has anyone seen you with them? have you told anyone about what we did ?" he asked in a panic.
"What?! Of course not" Theo answered.
"Have you?" Daniel looked at Finn.
"No!" Finn said as if insulted.
"Why are you asking?" Theo asked, it wasn't like Dan to question them like that.
"Theo.." he said quietly and looked down "There's a perfect in the common room who told me to call you, he says that Professor Lupin has asked for your presence in his office"
Theo's heart immediately dropped.
—A while ago —
It was on a Sunday morning when Severus received yet another owl from Hermione.
This time, however, he managed to get it from the owl itself as he was in the Great Hall when it arrived, and it only contained a letter.
Out of instinct, he searched for his son's head amongst the students, curious to know if he received a letter as well. And sure enough, he did. He spotted him next to that Dan friend of his, chatting with a bunch of boys Severus was yet to remember their names, clutching a letter in his hand,still unopened.
Severus regarded them for a while, he was sure those friends of his will set him up to no good, and him being sorted in Gryffindor certainly won't help matters. He recalled seeing them chatting discreetly a couple of nights ago, certainly planning something.
Ahh.. first years and their trouble-making tendencies, he sighed.
After teaching this year's first years for a week, Severus was disappointedly unimpressed, they were just as clueless and careless energetic little trouble makers as their predecessors. Of course, that would have to change as the year progresses, as long as Severus has a say in it. Still, Severus could pick a few faces that showed promise, so perhaps he'd still have a few NEWT level students in six years, hopefully.
The class which had his son in went surprisingly well, despite it being a Gryffindor-Slytherin class. He supposed the wide known house rivalry hadn't yet settled in, but he knew it would eventually, just like every year. Since it was their first class, he settled on asking them basic questions, listening to their pathetic answers, then lecturing them on various ways one could follow in order to have a better grasp of the material, not that any of the dunderheads would listen. He'd be focusing on theory for the first few classes before he'd trust any of them to be near a boiling cauldron.
His son acted like any other Gryffindor first year would, except, instead of the fearful looks they threw his way, he settled on glaring at him whenever he took points from Gryffindor which happened twice. He never raised his hand, even though Severus knew he had the answer to every question he asked. He didn't stay after class to exchange words with his father, nor did they encounter each other as they wandered the corridors, and that was predicted, Severus tried to convince himself. He was busy with his first-week work after all and rarely even left his office.
There's no need to be disappointed.
Of course, Severus had no intention of showing favoritism, he wouldn't let his son exploit their relationship to get special treatment or avoid the consequences of bad actions, and Theo knew that. Nevertheless, he still wanted to use this opportunity to catch up with him and exchange a few words, make up for the time they both lost this summer, basically letting his son know that he was there, and attempt to remedy their relationship. But Theo never sought him out, which admittedly upset Severus.
After telling the house elves to send the boy's gifts to his dorm last week, he didn't get to see his son's reactions to any more of them, let alone his own.
He sighed and looked down at the letter in his hand, contemplating whether he should open it right away or wait till he reaches the quietude of his office. However, considering the possibility that it could be urgent, he no longer hesitated and opened it.
Remus was not surprised when he heard a knock on his office door, Gryffindors were not opposed to seeking him out this early in the term, whether it was to get some help from their Head of House, or as was the usual case, getting into trouble.
But opening the door to come face to face with the black-clad man that was the Potions Master, was quite surprising.
"Severus?" he said, not hiding his surprise.
The potions master was less than impressed, he raised an eyebrow and sneered at the man. "A simple come-in would've sufficed," he drawled, " do you really get up and open the door every time you hear a knock?"
Remus rolled his eyes and stepped aside to give the man some space to enter.
"I was merely close to the door," he explained, though he didn't know why he felt the need to, "please, take a seat, would you like some tea?" he offered graciously.
Snape took one of the seats in front of Lupin's desk.
"That won't be necessary, I won't take long."
Lupin nodded and took his seat, looking at the potions master expectantly.
" I won't beat around the bush, I tried speaking to the headmistress, but she says I need to have your permission to borrow one of your precious Gryffindors tonight," he said, it was obvious from his tone that he greatly disagreed with the headmistress.
"Let me guess, you've got some nasty tasks for detention and want my Gryffindors to serve them ?" Lupin joked, he knew that wouldn't be the case, the potions master would not need his permission for that, he could find misbehaving students and punish them on his own," surprising as it is, the few students that misbehaved in the past week have already served their detentions with Filch," he gave the man a pointed look, as long as he can help it, he'd let as few Gryffindors as possible serve detentions with their prejudiced potions master.
"As compelling as that is, it is not the case," The potions master answered, not even acting a little bit amused.
"Well then what is it?" he asked innocently.
"How daft can you be?" Snape rolled his eyes, "I need to borrow my son."
Lupin smirked, he knew that, besides detentions, the man would die before letting himself spend more time with Gryffindor students than he needs to, the obvious exception, of course, being his son.
"Forgive me, Severus. I almost forgot we've got your son in our house, as unconvincing as that may sound," he was lying, of course.
"Spare me your chit chat Lupin, I've hardly got the time." Snape snapped, he managed to avoid Lupin's annoying victory looks for the past week, he's certainly not letting the man tease him now, "do I have your permission or should I barge into the common room and have a bunch of those nasty tasks served by your snotty first years."
Lupin's smirk didn't falter, apparently unfazed by the threat. He shook his head and opened a drawer to get a fresh piece of parchment. he didn't reach for the quill on his desk however, instead, he looked at the potions master again.
"I assume considering you came here to have my permission, you're taking him out of Hogwarts?" he asked
"That is correct."
"If I may ask Severus, why are you interested in having him tonight?"
"Family issues."
"I see, and these are?"
Severus's head snapped, annoyed, "I hardly see a reason to give you specific details, Lupin," he retorted, barely refraining from using his other preferred title for the professor before him, 'wolf', "It may be called getting permission but I'm merely informing you. Now start writing so I can go on my way."
To Severus's displeasure, Remus remained unfazed.
"As a head of house, I must know where each of my students is and why he or she is there," he explained.
"I must say that I'm convinced considering the number of Gryffindors I catch wandering around after curfew, " Severus countered, refusing to give in.
"Severus, I need to know the reason for you to take one of my students, I've been entrusted with the care of each one of them, their family and private issues are essentially my issues. If your intention is to leave the castle with him I must know where he's being taken and why." Remus tried to rationalize with the man, he was trying to remain calm even though Severus was basically questioning his authority.
Severus stood up, clearly irritated, "Need I remind you that as his father, Lupin, I have the right to take my son anywhere and anytime I want."
"I'm sure you do, Severus. Nevertheless, due to your son's enrollment in this school and the fact that he should be within the safety of Hogwarts at this time, I must be informed of the details, parent or not. Surely you know that from your experience as a head of house."
Severus continued to glare, he did know that. But Lupin didn't really need to have this information, he could write the reasons himself and give it to the headmistress, but he needed Lupin's permission first and foremost.
Damn Minerva and her formal procedures, couldn't his son be sorted into Hufflepuff?
"Severus, had it been Teddy, I would have to do the same thing," Lupin reasoned.
Severus sighed. Trying desperately to curb his anger, he was anxious as it is, as he didn't know whether his son was informed of the recent events or not.
He barely had any time!
Dammit, Severus, calm yourself.
It didn't help that, once again, he was reminded of another major issue he's yet to solve— his fucking Occlumency shields.
Alright...one problem at a time.
He supposed he must first get rid of Lupin, no matter the way.
And it seemed, Severus had only one way to do it —telling the truth.
He cleared his throat," his maternal grandfather is currently at the hospital for a very important matter concerning his health, I will escort Theodore to the hospital so he can see him, and will later escort him back here, of course"
That surely did shut Lupin up, he widened his eyes and he was gaping like a fish.
Severus had to hide his smirk, satisfied he managed to shock the man.
"They found a donor?" Lupin asked after a moment.
This time Severus was the one to be shocked.
How does he know? had Hermione informed him?
He frowned at the man, he supposed it was plausible that news like this would go around, what with Hermione being who she is, but he hasn't thought about it being such public knowledge that even his colleagues would know about.
Then again, maybe not, Remus Lupin, after all, was a part of the order, and thus a close friend of the infamous golden trio.
Him being aware of this news, shouldn't surprise or upset Severus... but for some reason, it did.
What else does he know?
"You know about that?" he asked coldly, acting as if he couldn't care less whether the man knew or not.
"I sure do. I've heard they've been looking for a donor, surprised they already found one this fast... well, relatively fast"
Severus remained silent for a while, which gave Remus a clue of what he was thinking.
"In case you're wondering, Harry was the one to inform me. I've contacted Hermione right away to ask about it, I'm surprised she hasn't informed you."
Potter... of course. Severus imagined himself smacking the man upside the head, what business does he have sharing a delicate matter such as this.
Still, considering Lupin's words, he apparently doesn't know about his and Hermione's separation, even though the Potter brat knows about it. Perhaps Hermione had warned him carefully not to spread the word for their children's sake.
Thank Merlin for small mercies.
Severus was honestly tired of wondering who knows what. It feels like he was cut off a tree, not knowing what goes on around him, or how he's supposed to treat others now that he's no longer a part of their ridiculous club.
"Yes, they found a donor," he answered calmly, "however, considering the nature of his illness the chances of the transplant succeeding without major side effects are not as high as one would hope. So..." He stepped towards the desk, glaring at the man, "do you see now how urgent it is that you sign the damn parchment and let me take my son ?"
Lupin sighed and nodded, finally having some pity, he wrote a note and signed the parchment.
He then stood up and handed it over to Severus.
"I hope it goes well, Severus," he said genuinely, "speaking for the staff and the order, You and your family are important to us. We may have our disputes and differences but in the end, you're one of us. Please know that I'm here if you and your family need anything."
Severus knew the man was genuine. Despite his low opinion of the man, they shared history together — they fought a damn war— and though it wasn't known at the time, they've always fought on the same side. Severus hated to admit it, but he doubted the Trio would have made it that far without Lupin taking charge of the order after Dumbledore's demise.
You mean after you killed him.
Severus shook his head, the point is... he knew the man would never wish him ill, and he surely wouldn't either, at least not now, but he hardly had time to reflect on deep emotions, he needed to get his son, so he nodded and took the parchment.
"I appreciate your offer to join the wolf gang, Lupin, but I'm afraid I'll pass, " he said, dead serious, Lupin had the audacity to chuckle.
Severus raised the parchment" Thank you for your permission," with that, he turned to leave
"I can summon him here if you'd like," Lupin's offer stopped him.
What was he planning to do anyway? barge into the Gryffindor's common room, scare them senseless, make their first years cry in fear, only so he could drag his son out of their lion's nest?
He doubted Theodore would like that.
So he turned around and nodded, "that'd be good"
Taking a deep breath to calm himself, Theo summoned his courage and knocked on the door.
Here goes nothing.
When he thought he heard a response —something that sounded like 'come in' followed by a snort —, he opened the door.
Professor Lupin was sitting at his desk, writing something.
When Theo closed the door, Lupin looked up and smiled at him.
Is he playing some type of mind game? is he gonna start yelling as soon as I sit down?
"You wanted to see me, Professor?"
"I do, Mr. Snape. Please come in and take a seat."
As he walked towards the chair, Theodore noticed a movement to his right, he turned his head and was surprised to see that his father was standing by the window. He had his hands folded behind his back and his eyes were on him, Theo tilted his head at him, trying to figure out what was going on, but his father's face was composed, betraying nothing.
Still, the fact that he was here worried him greatly, they must have found out about the books, and his father wanted to see to his punishment, as he promised he'd do.
When he finally sat down, Professor Lupin just looked at him, and his father didn't move.
Theo worried his lips as he contemplated the trouble he had got himself into.
Am I gonna get suspended? stealing must be a serious crime after all, even if his intention wasn't theft, he was just borrowing them!
But would they understand if he told them that? He doubted they would, he did break into the restricted section, after all, something that every first-year knew was forbidden.
A cold feeling washed over him when he realized he was the first first-year to get into trouble this year.
I must've hit some sort of record, getting into trouble within the first week of entering Hogwarts.
His hand started shaking slightly when he imagined his mother's reaction to this news.
Why am I thinking about Mum, I have to worry about Dad first, he's already here!
"Relax, Mr. Snape," that brought Theodore's attention back to his head of the house.
"Sorry, Professor, I still don't know why you called for me," he said barely able to keep his voice down.
He tried eyeing his father pleadingly, wishing one of them would say something, but he couldn't see the man, he was standing far behind.
"It's nothing that you've done."
Nothing I've done? Does that mean he also knows that it wasn't my idea?
Theo knew right then and there that he'd deny anyone's involvement, he didn't want to be treated as a snitch by his newfound friends.
Better just suck it up and take all the blame.
"Then what is it?" he asked, hoping they'd just tell him what his punishment is and get it over with.
He heard his father approaching, and for a moment he panicked, the man never hit him, minus the light shoves or smacks up the head, but Theo has also never broken a major school rule before.
But the man didn't come close, he stopped and stood behind him.
"Have you received a letter from your mother today?" his father asked.
What does mum's letter have to do with anything?
Theodore turned his head around, trying to get the man within his sight, but it was difficult with him sitting down and facing the desk.
"Yes ..." he replied carefully.
"What did she say?"
"Uhmm I don't know, just normal stuff..." he said, trying to remember what was written, "why are you asking?" why can't they just tell him what's going on.
His father came a little closer, and he could finally see him without craning his neck.
"Nothing about your grandfather?" he asked when he was right beside Theo.
Theo stayed silent for a while, trying to put two and two together.
And then it hit him.
His mother did say that they've finally found a suitable donor and would have the transplant soon.
But he was told that any mail sent to a student in Hogwarts that contained objects other than letters goes into several 'checkpoints' to determine if it's safe before it reaches the student, which means it would be a day or two before they receive it. Given that his mother's mail contained a set of boxers he forgot to pack —the irony of checking your stuff several times but still forgetting something— it means that whatever his mother meant by soon in her letter, was sooner than Theo thought.
And now, the fact that he was called to Professor Lupin's office, and was being questioned by his father on what he knows about his grandfather's condition, made his initial thought process when he first entered the room seem so trivial.
Has something happened to him?
Has he already gone through it and ... it failed?
Is his grandpa gone?
"Theodore? has she said anything about your grandfather?" his father asked again.
As if Theo hadn't heard him the first time
As if Theo wasn't already contemplating the different scenarios in which they all end with him losing his grandpa without him knowing.
He couldn't get himself to answer, his mind was running with thoughts, he couldn't think straight. Tears started filling his eyes, he knew he should ask his father what was going on, he should confirm his thoughts before he gets himself into this loop of misery. But his mind has already decided it was bad news and his mouth decided to stop working.
"Theodore? what's wrong?"
His father finally approached him, he apparently noticed that his son wasn't simply ignoring his question.
He reached his hand, touching his shoulder, trying to get the boy to look at him.
"Son?" he asked, concern on his face.
Theo finally snapped, "I... I-I don't know I.. She... she only said they found a donor " he looked desperately at his father, trying to find reassurance, despite his mind convincing him there's none, "what happened, D-Dad? did something go wrong? did...did it fail?" he reached for his father's arms "Dad, please don't say that it failed! please, Dad!" he begged.
His face was filled with tears, he was shocked to hear himself start sobbing, he was truly a mess.
Theo told himself that had it happened, he will face it like a man, he'll be strong, just like his grandfather always told him, to face his life with courage, to understand that it doesn't always go the way we want it to and when it doesn't, we have to accept it. No matter how hard it gets.
But he just couldn't.
He couldn't stop himself.
The idea of losing his grandpa... he couldn't take it.
"Theo... calm yourself, nothing happened, your grandfather is fine," his father tried to reassure him, still holding his shoulders and standing before him.
"I don't want him to die!" he cried out.
Theo didn't understand why he was acting like this, he should calm down, he heard his father say that his grandpa is fine but his body refused to listen, it was moving ten times faster than his mind was.
Beside him, his father was equally as shocked.
Severus was thrown back by his son's reaction. Truth be told, he was surprised by Theo's attitude when they discussed David's illness last time, the boy seemed so calm, not to mention the obvious detachment he was exhibiting at the time.
He knew his son was just burying his feelings before, keeping them to himself, that he would eventually break. But to have him panicking right now when he has to take him to the hospital, he genuinely didn't know how to deal with that.
He cursed himself for being vague and not telling his son right away. Of course, the boy would be so worried. He wasn't sure if he should take him to the hospital anymore, what if he can't control himself there?
He hesitated before finally enveloping the boy in his arms, bringing him to his chest, and cursed himself for his hesitation. It should have been his first instinct, he's his son after all, but their detachment is already forcing Severus to act differently, he's already forced to think ten times before acting, even when it comes to his own children.
"Theo, please calm yourself," Severus tried, his voice weaker than he thought.
But the boy kept clutching to him, he stopped sobbing but was still shaking.
"Theo."
Severus turned his head towards the only other person in the room.
Oh great.
Severus completely forgot Lupin was here. Perfect. Just perfect.
"Listen to me," Lupin continued, "your grandfather is alright. Your father just came to take you to visit him, I have even already written you a note. Don't you want to go see him?"
Theo shook his head, still buried in his father's chest
"I... I don't want him to die," he said miserably.
"He'll be just fine, now take a deep breath, calm yourself so you can go and remind him how much you want him to be strong," the man reassured, "you have to help him by being strong too."
Severus just stared at the man, his method was surprisingly working, he could feel Theo calming down in his arms.
He was ashamedly glad Lupin was talking because he couldn't get himself to say anything.
"Are you ready to sit still and listen?"
Theo sniffed a little and nodded.
"Alright, let's have it then."
Theo removed himself from his father's embrace and sat back on his chair, Severus sat across from him, wanting to remain close, and no longer trusting himself to remain standing.
Looking at his son, as he listened to Lupin explaining the situation and assuring the boy that nothing bad happened... yet, Severus thought pessimistically, he couldn't help but feel the guilt that never left him lately intensify, hadn't he already done enough? how could he be so careless with his words to let Theodore have this breakdown?
In all honesty, he knew this was coming. Theo was young and vulnerable, and with a mind like his, Severus knew the boy was probably overthinking every single thing he heard or saw the past few months, yet he kept to himself, never speaking of how he felt or revealing his thoughts, it was obvious he'd eventually explode. But why did Severus have to be the one who'd provoke it? Why did he have to be the reason for it?
Why was he always the reason for all the bad things he dearly wished to avoid?
And worst of all, after all the chaos he had caused, he still had no idea how to fix it. How could he sit here so helplessly, with his son sniffling in front of him, because of him, and yet all he could offer was his presence? How does Lupin, a mere acquaintance of the family, and the boy's new head of house deal with this situation better than him? why were others fixing his mistakes? Why wasn't he the one comforting his son?
As much as he tried to fix things, as much as he tried to lessen the damage, as much as he wanted to make their situation easier to endure. Severus only seemed to fail.
You're so pathetic.
You're so weak.
You're a coward.
And then a treacherous intrusive thought, one that Severus tried vainly to forget, made itself known once again.
Aren't they all just better off without you?
Just then, his son's gaze turned to him, he looked calm now, so much calmer, but he stayed silent as if expecting his father to talk.
and then, " Are you going to take me there now ?" he asked.
Severus cleared his throat and nodded, "Whenever you're ready."
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