(OotP) CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: Black's Army

After Ellie's speech, several of the people who had been on her side of the room slank back over to Harry's. In the end, she was left with Liam, Luna, Neville, Katie Bell, and…

"No," she said when Lee Jordan raised his hand. "Not you."

"Come on," said Lee. "How is that fair?"

"Do you actually want to learn this stuff? Or are you just here to keep an eye on your best friend's psycho ex-girlfriend?"

She wasn't entirely sure Lee even qualified as a "best friend" to Fred anymore. When she had first met the twins, Lee had been their closest friend, but she had monopolized so much of their time and attention, they rarely spoke to him outside of class.

Lee sighed. "They left me, too, Ellie. I'm just here to learn."

"There aren't very many of us," Katie pointed out to Ellie. "If we ever did want to go hunting for Cedric's killer, we could use the extra help."

She had a point there. It had been no surprise to Ellie when Marietta and Zacharias left their group, but the loss of Angelina had stung a bit. They were certainly much smaller than they had been during the first two meetings.

"Fine," she said, nodding. "Now, come on. Let's get to work."


By the end of their meeting, Ellie had Apparated three more times, the last of which she had Liam in tow with her. Luna had successfully performed Legilimency on each of the other five students, who then successfully performed Occlumency to keep her out. Even Neville proved surprisingly adept at clearing his mind and forcing back the attempted corruption.

"Good," Ellie said when they had run out of time for the evening. "Now, I know that without the protection of my shield, it won't be safe for you lot to practice Apparition on Hogwarts grounds. So I think we should have a small session the next time we go to Hogsmeade."

"What about conjuring?" asked Neville. "You mentioned that, too."

"I'm going to have to study up on that one," Ellie admitted. "Hermione's got some books on Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration that I'm sure she'll let me borrow."

"McGonagall's started covering it in our N.E.W.T. classes, as well," said Lee. "I'll get you my notes, Ellie."

It was hard for Ellie to smile at Lee—to feel anything other than resentment toward him, simply due to his proximity in life to Fred—but she did her best.

"What are we going to call ourselves?" asked Luna. "If we're going to meet outside of D.A. meetings, we're going to need a name."

"How about B.A.?" suggested Katie with a grin. "Y'know—for badasses."

"No," said Ellie. "For Black's Army."


As November rolled into December, Ellie poured everything she had into focusing on the B.A. It was the only thing she had left—the only thing to distract her not only from the pain of losing Fred, but also of whatever was going on with her shield.

It wasn't quite as haywire on the outside now. It still shimmered and crackled anytime she started to feel sad, nervous, or anxious—which was quite a bit of the time—but it had started to settle. Still, she was left with the same aching, gut-wrenching pain.

That, and the occasional nosebleed. But she tried not to think about that one.

A few times a day, she still screamed at Fred in her head. She had gone from I refuse to accept this to Please, please, please don't do this to the latest, I hate you, you stupid, selfish bastard.

She didn't really hate him, of course. She knew Fred well enough to know that every word in his letter had been true. He had left for her. He had been wrong to leave for her, obviously, but he had believed that it was the right thing to do.

Her locket still glowed often, which was no surprise to her. It only made sense that he thought of her often; it didn't mean that he regretted his decision, nor even that he still loved her. For all she knew, he thought about her with nothing but guilt and frustration.

So, with aching hands and an aching heart, she removed the locket from her neck for the first time in over a year and placed it carefully in her trunk—right next to the potion she knew she would never be able to bring herself to take.


The B.A. was going well—at least, as well as a group of mostly underage students practicing magic way out of their league could go. Ellie had more or less mastered Apparition, Luna had become a skilled Legilimens, Neville was slowly mastering the art of conjuring while Lee practiced vanishing, Katie was perfecting a developed form of Wingardium Leviosa that essentially rendered her telekinetic, and Liam was mastering the art of protection—swooping in with shield charms to protect the rest of them before they could be hit.

"You should be careful with that, you know," Ellie told Liam after practice one day in early December. The D.A. hadn't been in attendance; the B.A. met far more often than they did now. "My experience with shields has been less than stellar."

She had meant it as a weak attempt at a joke, but he clearly didn't take it that way. His eyes clouded over with sympathy yet again, and he asked her carefully, "Ellie… is there something going on with your shield that you haven't told us?"

She wondered how he knew. She had felt Luna's inquisitive gaze on her more than once and assumed that Luna's telepathic skills were helping her uncover the truth, but Liam?

She wanted to tell him the truth. But first, she had to block out Fred.

It was something she hadn't done much of lately—blocking out Fred. She wanted him to keep listening in—to see how hard he had made things for her. She wanted him to realize that he had been wrong and change his mind.

But she didn't want him to hear this. If he did, he'd come back immediately—for the wrong reason.

"I think it's killing me," she told Liam softly once she had safely engaged her Occlumency.

"You… what?"

"There was someone else before me, you know. Someone else who had the Perelli charm. I don't know anything about him—or her—other than that they died. McGonagall made a comment early on about it having been 'not exactly successful,' and then, later, Voldemort himself said that dark witches and wizards had gone after them. I always assumed they died that way, but now…"

Umbridge's words from the Prophet article rang in her head. Nobody was meant to have that kind of power. It does things to your head as well as your body.

"What makes you say this?" Liam asked her.

"It hurts," she whispered. "Like, physically hurts… all the time."

She didn't mention the bleeding. Not yet.

"We should go to Dumbledore," Liam said. "Or at least to Madam Pomfrey. Maybe she'll know something about it. Maybe—"

"No," Ellie interrupted firmly. "They'd just send me to St. Mungo's, and I've spent far too much time there already."

He sighed, running a hand through his sandy brown hair. "Can I at least help you research this? Find out what we can about the guy who came before you?"

That offer, Ellie was willing to accept.


Ellie,

I'm worried about you. I'm pissed as hell at Fred, but I'm worried about you.

What's this about your shield going haywire and operating all the time? Is that still going on? Why did I have to hear it from Molly and not from you?

I know things are hard right now. I saw it in your eyes at St. Mungo's, and it broke my heart. But I need you to be strong. Stay in school, and focus on the good things—on the friends you do have.

I've heard other stirrings about what you've been up to at Hogwarts—stirrings I hesitate to put on paper at the risk of getting you into trouble.

Just know that I think it's a bad idea, Ellie. Coming together with your friends to learn what you aren't learning in class is one thing, but from the sound of it, you've taken that a step further, and it isn't safe.

I need you to stay safe. Please.

Love,

Snuffles


"You ever going to write him back?"

It was the second week of December. Ellie was sitting at the table in the common room, staring at the letter from her father that she had read at least three times by then. She had tried to come up with a response, but, like her letters to her mother, she had come up with nothing.

"Eventually, I'm sure," she told Harry with a weak smile. She hadn't spoken to him much lately. She and the B.A. had swiftly become a tight-knit group, and didn't spend much time with anyone else.

"He's worried," Harry told her as he sat down next to her. "Been writing to me, as well. Asking me how you're doing. To be honest, I'm not sure what to tell him."

She didn't meet his gaze; she felt too guilty to try. "I'm sorry I haven't been around, Harry. I know you have as much going on as me. Have you been having the dreams again?"

He waved a hand dismissively. "Don't worry about the dreams, and don't worry about me. Ginny's been incredible in getting me through all of this, but you…"

It wasn't hard to know what he would have said next. You lost Fred.

"I still can't believe he did it," Harry said, shaking his head. "I've never seen anyone so in love with another person, and he just… walked away."

She knew she should at least try to explain Fred's reasoning—to defend his honor on his behalf—but she didn't have the heart to do it.

The longer he stayed away, the less she was willing to forgive.


The next day, while lunching in the courtyard with the B.A., Ellie caught a glimpse of something on the back of Neville's copy of The Daily Prophet that made her stomach turn: an ad for the grand opening of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes.

"Neville," she said. Her throat felt dry and scratchy. She knew she should be happy for them—knew this was all they had ever wanted, and that they deserved success—but she wasn't. Any time she had ever pictured them opening up that shop, she had pictured herself right there next to them, cutting the ribbon. "Put that away."

"I know it's all rubbish," said Neville quickly. "I just—"

"Neville," interrupted Liam, who had caught sight of the ad. "Put it away."

Seeming to sense that he was missing something, Neville turned the newspaper over and looked down at it. As soon as he saw the ad, his expression shifted. "Blimey, Ellie—I'm sorry. I didn't realize."

"It's fine," she said mechanically.

"It looks like their shop's in Diagon Alley," Liam offered Ellie hopefully. "So at least you won't have to see them on Hogsmeade trips, or anything."

"No," she said through clenched teeth. "Just annually on my back-to-school shopping trips."

The thought of going shopping for school supplies without the twins was bad enough, but the knowledge that they'd be a few doors down, laughing and selling joke products without a care in the world?

It was too much.

"It doesn't mean he's happy, you know," Katie told Ellie, reaching out to squeeze her hand. "You can find success and still feel sad."

"I don't want him to be unhappy," Ellie said automatically.

But for the first time in her life, she started to question whether it was true.


Like I said, it's getting worse before it gets better... but hopefully that's a sign that eventually it'll get WAY better, right? And the B.A. thing is sort of interesting, don't you think? As long as Ellie doesn't take it too far... See you soon, and don't forget to keep the support coming! Thanks for reading!