I sat in what I claimed to be my room, a simple little area where there were a bed and storage area. I mostly just kept my stuff there, along with some alien tech and a few bottles I pilfered from storage containers. I had a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of what's definitely the strongest alcohol I ever had in the other. It helped me cope with what I had done, or rather, what I hadn't done.
I've been winging my whole life, and I'm currently in this shitshow with a terrorist in my head and the captain of a crew that doesn't understand me at all. I never had a plan, and it's gotten so many people killed. Jackie, Takamura, Evelyn, even myself somewhat. I suppose at the very least, I'm no longer hiding behind the moniker of V anymore. Never really stuck as I've always preferred being the real me. Vincent Arjen Kers.
The grandson of dutch immigrants to Texas and the child of corpos, along with my sisters Sofie and Ellen. If I hadn't been a stickler for orders, I could've kept them off the streets. I should've stuck with Militech instead of switching to Arasaka, or just fled into the city. Curse my greed, lest I'd still have a family. Suppose that's why I stuck to Jackie like glue since he was everything I wanted to be. A family man with a sense of honor and not a mean bone in his body? I wish I could ever be half the saint he was.
Instead, here I am moping on a spaceship with no plan. Because it turned out so well for Judy when I planned on helping her, or Joshua when I decided to be the one who nailed Him to the cross. What about the time I thought that working with Dexter Deshawn would benefit me, and instead cost me one of the few reasons I had to continue living. Anything I do ends up in failure, even for smoking and drinking in a way. Though I might be saying that because the bottle went from whole to empty in two minutes.
My regrets immediately showed as I began to feel extremely fuzzy, with everything beginning to become a blur. Not really sure what this stuff was, but it certainly explains why they tried to signal me not to try this 'rink all'. Haven't felt this dizzy since that one time with Jackie. I began to hurl over the floor, though less of being allergic and moreso me just ingesting poison. I began to try and stay up but I easily fell onto the ground.
"Man, you're really a mess aren't you?" Johnny was leaning over me, with that smug smile. I tried to reach out to him but fell over. At least my smoke was in range. "Can't stand looking at yourself in the mirror, so you decide to poison your body and drown any thoughts that aren't what you wish. We really are alike, aren't we?"
I stared at him since I'm too drunk to really do anything else. Not really sure how I'm not just a fucking mess mentally right now, though it might be to do with my constant supply of alcohol for years. My hand somewhat reaches out, with him shifting away while continuing to give a glare.
"I mean, you're probably younger than I was when you started. Couldn't take seeing the world for what it is, so you delved into cigarettes and alcohol to hide all your insecurities while selling your soul to corpos. Then you lose it all and buck your habits until you lose your amigo."
'Shut up…'
"All of a sudden you smoke twice the amount you used to and drink to no end. Oh, and let's not forget about all the people who tried to have you leave your shell so you would finally see the writing on the wall that people cared about you. Panam, River, Judy, Joshua, Viktor, Misty, and even me!"
'Shut up!'
"In the end, you refused help from anyone and got yourself killed, and you will do the same thing here because, despite everything you've been through, the last you've ever done is talk to someone about what your feeli-"
'SHUT THE FUCK UP JOHNNY! YOU HAVE NO IDEA… No idea what I've… I've...' I was trying to force myself to stay awake but that drink's too damn strong even for me. I slowly slip into my mind, the worst fate anyone could be given.
I open my eyes to see myself overlooking Austin, back in the penthouse I grew up in. The smell of refuse and the usual trash clogs my nose, and it's surprisingly welcoming. I look to my hands to find them with nary a mark. I can't even feel the fuzz usually on my face, meaning I'm home. Wait, if I'm home, where's everyone?
"Hey, kiddo." I immediately recognized the gruff voice to be that of my dad. I turn to face him, and I see myself in him, quite literally. I was always told I'm a spitting image of him, and I see it from the bags underneath his eyes to even that premature graying of hair. I'm only 28 and I've already noticed some of my hair blends in with concrete.
"Pa?" I'm nervous as all hell, I mean, what the hell is he doing here. As far as he was concerned, I was already dead the moment I joined Arasaka. Held a funeral and everything for me. He truly believed I sold my soul to the devil. I think he knew in his gut how right he was.
"Don't worry, I ain't gonna chastise you here. Besides, you're almost a man anyhow."
"Yeah, I guess. Hey, do you mind if I ask a question?"
"Shoot."
"I've spoken to other kids raised like me, except usually they never have contact with their families, except you insisted on teaching me and the twins yourself Hell, I don't think I've ever been more than a block away from you. Why is that?"
"I… I was raised that way by my parents, and it destroyed me. I thought they never cared about me, or that I didn't matter. Ik wilde dat leven niet voor jou. I wanted you all to be happy, so I went against the grain and raised you myself. I didn't care about the loss of money, not when I have a little boy and two little girls I'm proud to call my children."
I didn't respond, just kept my eyes out to my old home. I missed it here, much as I hated it in my youth. I remember watching BDs in my room, or playing peekaboo with my sisters when I was only 3. Life was so much simpler than, so much more peaceful. I decided to walk away from it though because of greed. My hands gripped the balcony tighter, with my hands thankfully not being augmented, so they're staying strong. Tears were also spilling from my face onto the floor.
"Vincent, I know you like to think of yourself as the only person standing, but you're not alone. I'd go to hell and back for you, I'd never abandon any of my children. I'm…I'm proud of you. My baby boy is soon to work for Militech, just like me, and make a name for himself." My heart stung from what he said, but he pulled my face to look into his eyes. "Je bent de beste zoon waar een vader ooit om zou kunnen vragen."
He pulled me when I began to sob, and he's simply allowing me to let it out. I never cried, it was one of the rules being a corpo, no emotions allowed. I didn't cry when Jackie, Goro, or anyone else I knew died. I just refused to be weak, be vulnerable until now. I never knew so many tears could come out of one person, or just how good it felt.
I clutched his suit, unable to bear the guilt of anything I had done any longer. I just released it all through tears while clutching the first man who truly cared about me, and held me in his arms while I sobbed. For just a moment, there were no responsibilities, no horrors, no space ships. Just the father who crossed all to love his children.
"Het is in orde Vincent. Het komt wel goed, dat beloof ik."
