Day by Day Chapter 3: Kakashi's Grief

One would think that the ability to say goodbye to a loved one who had passed on would give that person closure, but for Kakashi it just left many unanswered questions and reopened wounds that had scabbed over. Kakashi was still trying to accept the fact that he had died and then was brought back during what was said to be the worst war that the country side has ever seen, talk about a major shock to the system. While Kakashi was "dead" he was given the opportunity to speak to his father Sakumo who instead of going to either heaven or hell, was stuck in what you call limbo. Kakashi soon realized that there were so many questions that were still left unanswered. All the wounds he thought were closed or at least scabbed over had reopened at just the sight of his father. At least Kakashi got confirmation that his father did truly care for him and he was able to tell his story to Sakumo. Shaking all those feelings aside he didn't want to focus on it anymore, Kakashi was what you call a professional bottler, which meant he bottled all his feelings up until the perfect time when he could unleash them, though in time of peace, there really was no such perfect time. So there the bottle of feelings sat, in a box chained up and forgotten on a shelf. The key to said chain and box? Lost. Anytime it was time to bottle more feelings, a new lock and chain was placed upon the box, soon the box had millions of locks and millions of chains and yet somehow there was still space to add more.

Kakashi sat on the edge of his bed, face in his hands. The nightmares had gone from a nightly ordeal to every couple of nights. It was only when Kakashi had gotten comfortable with sleep again that his mind would play games and throw him face first into the nightmares of war. Everyone said he should feel lucky that he was even alive, but what does it actually mean to be alive when every night you're forced to relive the worst moment of your life. Kakashi had survived many wars but this one took more from not only him but from the village as well. What did it truly mean to live in a time of peace, when peace was not something you had experienced. Technology was advancing farther than he ever could've imagined and those who didn't fight in the war, act as if it didn't happen. Only those who were there could truly understand what Kakashi was going through.

Grief was a taboo subject, at least it was when he was growing up. You were never supposed to shed a tear in front of anyone and if Kakashi was being honest with himself, shedding a tear even in private was a symbol of being weak. It wasn't until the new generation came along that everything changed, now there were therapists and professional help. All thanks to Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka, together they changed the hospital, even opened up a mental health wing. Kami knows after the events of the war, everyone needed a therapist. Kakashi went to one session before deciding that therapy just wasn't for him, he rather not talk about his feelings or problems and move on with his life.

Standing up Kakashi had decided to take a warm shower, his poor water bill he thought to himself. Kakashi spent most of his morning routine in the shower just thinking about how he was going to pull himself together and get the day started, it used to come easy to him. He used to roll out of bed, open his copy of Makeout Paradise and get dressed, with the occasional shower every other day. Now he spent at least an hour just motivating himself to get out of bed and do even the basics of self care, some days he spent over an hour just standing in the shower letting the warm water roll over him until the water grew cold.. War changed everyone but for Kakashi he felt it changed him the most. He watched Obito die all over again, watched young chunin and genin alike fight for their lives. Truth be told, Kakashi thought of suicide often, he figured a life worth struggling wasn't a life worth living and with his students grown, he really felt like he had nothing to live for.

Kakashi walked around to his closet, opening the doors he stared at the clothes hanging on the racks, they were all various shades of blue and green and black, multiple jounin vests were on hangers separate from the clothes that were hung up in matching pairs. Grabbing his standard black wool leggings and long sleeved navy blue turtle neck, Kakashi's fingers traced over one vest in particular. His fingers tugged at the threads that were already threatening to completely unravel the entire structure of the vest, the white band that was safety pinned on was soaked in dried blood. This was the vest, the vest that he not only died in but the vest he wore when he held the bodies of the genin who died. This vest had too many memories to just throw away, though that therapist he saw for a single session told him he couldn't heal until he did throw it away. Shaking his head he coughed as he shut the closet door and decided he absolutely needed to shower and get something done today. Heading to the bathroom and setting the clothes down on the counter, Kakashi made his way to the shower, opening the curtains and turning the shower on to the second to highest setting he stripped down to nothing, as the steam rose above the shower curtain Kakashi stepped into the overwhelmingly warm water. Shutting the curtains Kakashi tilted his head back until the water began to coat his hair, from there Kakashi let the tears he was holding back fall down his face.