After helping Lena with her paperwork, I feel a lot better, so I decide to go to Physics. I Jude at my new locker, and we walk together.
"Are you alright?" He asks. They must all think I'm pretty weird now.
"Yeah, first days are tough. I'm okay now. Thanks for being so kind to me today, it would have been way worse if I had to handle this on my own."
"Of course, we're friends now." I've never had more than one friend before.
It's grueling sitting through Physics, science is probably one of my worst subjects. But having Jude to help me makes a little more bearable. But what's harder is knowing that I'll have to go back to Montgomery house. Maybe if I pick up an extra-curricular activity or join a club, I'd be able to stay at school longer. Anything to stay out of that place. I'll talk to Nancy about it later.
All my teachers a lot of homework, this school is on a different education board to my old one, so I have a lot of catching up to do. Not to mention the classes I missed today. Hopefully, my transcripts will come through soon and I can get credits for the measly scraps of work I've done in my old schools.
"How was your first day?" Nancy asks when I get on the bus to go home.
"It was fine." Once we're back, I remember I'll have to eat in the blue kitchen with the 'unstable' girls, and that's a kind way to put it.
We all have to start setting up for dinner, it's absolute bedlam. One of the girls keeps trying to stab another with a plastic fork, one is slamming plates down on the table, she smashes one and chips a few others. Nancy has to rush to clean up the broken pieces before someone uses it as a weapon. The girl who was naked when I first arrived is running in circles around the table while one of the staff chases her. I calmly help set the table with the girl who mumbles to herself and the aggressive girl. I don't want to know they're names, I don't want to know what's wrong with them, I just want to stay out of the way. Keep my head down, as Callie said. Once the staff has everyone calmed down, we sit down to eat. We're served pasta with tomato sauce. It's bland, flavorless. And when I'm finished, I'm told I have to stay seated until everyone is done, and I'm given the responsibility of collecting the dirty plates and cutlery and washing them. I'd rather I do than have to watch someone else have a breakdown over it. I do it as fast as I can and sit back down until the rest of the girls have finished clearing up.
Next, we have group, which takes place in the common room. The walls are the same dull color as my bedroom. There are a few paintings, but they're bolted to the wall. Everything is bolted down, even the chairs are secured to the floor. I wonder what happened to have those measures put in place. Overall, it's pretty similar to the group I attend on Sundays at the hospital with Sophia.
I take a seat between Nancy and Cara. I feel somewhat safe between them.
"Okay, let's go around the circle and talk about our day," Nancy says. She doesn't start with me thankfully, but that means I'm last, and I have even more time to panic about talking about myself in front of these people. Each girl has a pretty similar story, they talk about arguments they had in class, and how one of them got suspended for trying to steal a pair of safety scissors, and Nancy punishes her by making her and her roommate have lights out an hour early, which starts a fight between the two of them. The mumbling girl talks quietly about the voices in her head. I begin to stop paying attention to what they are all saying until it's my turn.
I tell her my day was good, I don't mention my funny turn at lunch. I tell her it was the perfect first day. "
Once we're dismissed, the girls all push and shove to get out of the common room. Nancy taps my shoulder. "You can do your homework up in your room, it's only the brown kitchen girls usually, but I think you'll be bumped up pretty soon." She smiles.
"Thank you." I follow Cara and a few other girls upstairs; Nancy follows and locks us in. I try to get stuck into my homework, but I can't concentrate. I'm still so on edge. I'll have to endure this place every day until I'm 16, maybe longer if I'm not approved for independent living, and with my luck, I won't be. I manage to get a few small assignments and half an essay done before lights out. So, I get into my pajamas and take my phone into the bathroom, making sure to hide it from Cara. I don't want to risk calling Sophia in case someone hears me talking, so I text her instead. I just update her on everything going on here and what it's like. She's scared for me, but she tells me that I can get through anything. She believes in me; if only I could. I turn my phone off and sneak it back into the room to hide it, but Cara spots it. I just stare at her. We stand in silence for a moment, I pray she'll keep my secret.
"Nancy!" She shouts.
"No, please don't!" I whisper. "I need this, I can't survive here if I don't talk to my friend."
"Nancy!" I begin to panic. She runs to the door and starts pounding on it, shouting for Nancy over and over. I didn't take her as this kind of girl. I rush around frantically trying to think of something to do, but it's too late. Nancy unlocks the door.
"It's almost lights out, girls. What is it?" She's out of breath.
"She has a phone," Cara says folding her arms.
"I don't, I swear." I hide it behind my back, but it doesn't fool her. She grabs my arm and takes the phone from me.
"You've broken two rules, first the phone, then telling me a bare-faced lie. The girls in this house aren't allowed phones for a reason. We're trying to help you, Gracie." I start to cry. "Don't give me that, after school tomorrow, you're out of here." I didn't think she could be cruel. She's been so nice. "Lights out, now!" She leaves the room locking us in.
Cara stares at me before she turns off the lights, and we get into bed. I'll probably be placed in emergency care. Every time that's happened, it's been nothing short of traumatic. It's as bad as this place, sometimes worse. They lock me in, make me skip meals. Sometimes they hit me.
I lie awake, more scared than I was when I got here, now I can't even talk to anyone about it. I don't sleep for the entire night. I have to try and convince Anita to let me meet more families, I can't risk getting myself killed in a jacked-up foster home. I have to get adopted.
I get dressed early again and wait for Nancy to unlock the door. When she finally does, she doesn't smile the way she did yesterday, she's not that warm person that welcomes me with open arms yesterday.
I get to school and meet Jude again; he comes to breakfast with me. I can't eat again. He can tell something's up, but I don't want to talk about it with him right now. I sit with my head in my arms on my desk all through homeroom, staring out of the window. All my classes go the same, I don't do any of my work, what's the point? I'm only gonna fall behind again when I get moved.
I should talk to Lena. At lunch, I go straight to her office and I can tell by her face she knows what happened, Nancy must have called her. The second I see her; I go into full-blown meltdown mode. She ushers me inside and sits me down.
"I've been in emergency care before," I cry. "It's awful they treat you like crap." She lets me ramble on about how much of a mess my life is, tried to calm me down. She lifts my chin so I'm looking at her.
"Okay, listen to me, Gracie. I know a few social workers, I can try and find you a safe place, you're going to be okay. Just stick it out for tonight, okay?" She hugs me. "I think it's best you stay here for the rest of the day, Nancy called and she's having your belongings sent over and Anita is going to pick you up at the end of the school day, you trust her, don't you?" She wouldn't let me meet more foster families, but I do trust her. She cares about me, even though she doesn't always show it. I nod. "And you trust me?" How could I not? "I'll make sure you get to stay here at Anchor Beach. This is the best place for you."
"Thank you, Lena."
"Now, you look exhausted, why don't you get some sleep? I have to hand a few things to some teachers around the school, so you'll have the room to yourself."
"Okay," I say quietly. She drapes a blanket over me and leaves. I'm so exhausted from my meltdown and sleepless night, I manage to fall asleep almost instantly.
