The whole family is there to greet me the second I walk through the door. They help me into the living room to sit down.
"Guys you don't have to make a fuss, I'm fine really."
"You're sick Gracie, we'll take care of you," Lena says, smiling. They're being so kind to me.
"On our way out, the nurse said you should avoid sugary foods and coffee." Stef plumps the pillows behind me while Mariana covers me up with a blanket, it feels weird being taken care of like this. Any time I've been slightly sick in my life I've been met with an eye roll. "Jesus, go make her some toast." He nods his head and goes off to the kitchen. "Are you cold Gracie? Mariana go get her comforter." She doesn't even give me a chance to answer. "Do you need anything else?"
"I'm fine, honestly." I may be lying, my stomach does hurt, a lot. But I don't like all this attention. I'm not good at accepting help.
Callie and Jude sit down next to me. "I think she just wants to relax, we had a long night," Callie says.
"She's right Stef, come on, you need sleep." Lena takes her wife's hands and pulls her out of the room. Jude switches on the TV.
"I wish I got this kind of treatment when I get grounded," Jude says. "Just kidding, so stomach ulcer. That can't be fun." He puts the TV on.
"It's not, but I'm good, they gave me painkillers at the hospital so I'm pretty high right now." I'm getting tired of talking about this stupid ulcer.
"Well, I can't wait to go back to school tomorrow." Jude and I look at Callie in confusion. "What? Sitting around doing my project for two days is draining me."
"Well I won't be going back, doc said no school for a week, so I get to fall more behind, lucky me."
"Taylor and I will bring you all your homework, don't worry about it."
"Thanks, Jude." Mariana comes down with my comforter and Jesus comes in with a stack of toast. "Uh, thanks." I laugh at his ridiculous idea of portion size. I share it with Callie and Jude as we watch dumb cartoons. If this is what weekends are gonna be like, maybe I want to stay with the Fosters. In Sophia's house, everything is so formal, you'd never catch the Quinn's laying back on the sofa in their pajamas on a Sunday.
After slacking off for a few hours, Lena brings me my backpack, so Jude and I can do some homework, she takes the TV remote away from us too. But it's cool, I like studying with Jude, he's really smart. Mariana comes and tutors me for a bit too, and later Stef and Lena don't make us eat around the table at lunch and dinner time, we all sit in front of the TV to eat. They order pizza for dinner again.
"Being grounded is delicious." Jesus scarfs down his food.
"This is a one-off, there's so much going on we just don't have time to cook all the time," Lena says. I finish up my food and decide to go to bed early. I just want to be alone. There's a lot for me to be sad about but I don't feel sadness, just a kind of hollow. I've been clean from cutting for a while now, but since what Brandon said that night at dinner, it's all I've wanted to do. But once I get to my room, I'm too tired to walk the extra few feet to the bathroom.
"Thanks for dinner," I say. Mariana carries my comforter up after me and brings me a glass of water, I'm so exhausted that I don't even feel pitied anymore, I'm just grateful for her help. I'm tired but I can't get to sleep, I just lie here. Eventually, Callie and Mariana go to bed, but I still lie there, motionless. "Guys," I say. "You haven't asked them yet, have you?" I ask.
"No, not yet." Mariana climbs into her bed.
"Could you wait a little longer? Just until everything's a bit more normal."
"Sure, whatever you want. Night." Callie switches the lights off.
Every night for the next week I spent hours lying awake, and in the daytime, I lay on the sofa doing the same thing. I study but I get worse at taking anything in. The sun shines through the blinds on Thursday morning and the girls get up for school.
"Gracie?" Mariana looks at me as she gets ready. "Are you alright?" I don't say anything. "Why don't you go back to sleep? You still have two days off." Nothing. I feel nothing but the overwhelming urge to cut.
"What's up?" Callie kneels in front of me. "Is this about Jason?" She whispers and waits for an answer. "Mariana, get Stef." She gives me a strange look before leaving the room. "Hey," Callie holds my hand, "Talk to me." I pull my hand away. I don't know what's wrong with me. "You've been acting weird all week." Mariana comes back with Stef standing behind her.
"Girls, go down for breakfast, you'll be late for school." She closes the door behind them. "What is it, love?" Stef takes Callie's seat on the floor in front of me. "You feel sick?" I shake my head. "Oh. Gracie, you're not... you're not hurting yourself again, are you?"
"No, but..."
"You're scared you might?" I nod. "I want to help you, and I know you don't want to be like this, so just talk to me, tell me what you're feeling."
"I'm not okay. I haven't been for a while. I've just been in denial. I'm tired of pretending." I stare at the wall.
"You feel depressed?" I can tell she feels awkward talking about this. I nod. "I think it's about time we get you on some medication, and back to your counselor."
"I can't afford my meds. That's why I'm still like this."
"You are not financially responsible, Lena and I will take care of the money, you take care of you." She takes my chin and makes me look at her. "Deal?" I nod, letting a tear roll down my cheek.
"I'm scared." She pulls me in for a hug.
"Come on," She takes my hand, "Come and sit downstairs with me." I listen to her, going with her to sit at the kitchen table. "Are you hungry?" I shake my head. She clears up the table and makes me a bowl of cereal anyway. "You have to eat, love." I nod and eat it up slowly. She goes off into the other room to call a doctor, I can't hear what she's saying but it makes me squirm with discomfort knowing she's talking about me.
I'll have to talk to a counselor and talk about my feelings. If I don't know what I'm feeling, how am I supposed to explain that to a complete stranger? All I want to do is talk to Rae. She'll make me feel better in an instant.
Stef comes back in and sits down with me. "I've made you an appointment for two hours from now. But for now," She pulls my cell phone out of her pocket, "Have this, talk to Jason or a friend, friends are really important at times like this." I reluctantly take it from her, feeling guilty knowing I'll be using it to talk to someone I really shouldn't.
"Thank you. Can I go sit outside? I think I need some air." She nods and smiles, gently stroking my arm. I walk outside and sit down on the cushioned bench, building up the courage to click the green button next to Rachel's name. I take a deep breath and push it, bringing the phone up to my ear. The ringing sets me at ease, knowing I'm about to hear her voice sends a wave of calm through my body.
"Hey, I went to see you at your school on Monday, where were you?" She says. Her voice is so comforting. "Gracie? Are you crying?"
"Sorry, I'm just so happy to hear your voice."
"I feel the same way. I miss you."
"I miss you too," I tell her. "I wish I could see you."
"I know. Me too. So? Where were you Monday?"
"Right um, I have a stomach ulcer, I passed out last week and they took me to hospital. I've had the week off school."
"Oh my God, you're okay now though, right?" I knew she would worry.
"Yeah I'm fine, well kind of."
"What do you mean? Are you relapsing?" She knows exactly what I mean, it's like she can read my mind.
"Yeah, I guess, I have a doctor's appointment later, Stef said she and Lena would pay for my meds now. I can finally get the help I need."
"Well that's great, you'll be okay. I know you will."
"Let's not talk about me, tell me about you. Has your mom moved back home?"
"She did, but we were fighting all the time so I'm staying at a friend's house. But after we both cool off; we'll be back together in no time. I'm not too far from your house actually, we could meet up when you're ungrounded?"
"Yeah. Still have another week and a half though."
"Gracie, I know we haven't known each other very long but I really, and I mean like you. I hate not being with you. Especially now you're going through all this crap."
"I can't tell you how good it feels to hear you say that. I really, really like you too, and I wish you were here just as much as you do. We'll see each other soon."
"I'm so glad you've broken up with Jason, now we can be together." I haven't spoken to Jason at all. How would I have broken up with him? I can't bring myself to tell her that we're still together.
