Harry and the Pirates
Chapter 07
The Roanapur Method
Bougainvillea Trading Company offices, Roanapur, ThailandPetunia Dursley slit open the letter, as Balalaika watched with interest. "Oh! The boys are telling us all about Halloween at their school! I remember what Lily used to say…" She began reading the letter, and her eyes went wide, as Balalaika came around to read over her shoulder.
Dear Mum (and Balalaika), Well, our first Hogwarts Halloween is over, and we had a spot of bother. Nothing that a couple of Roanapur-raised boys couldn't handle, but it was a bit sticky there for a while…
Balalaika raised one elegant eyebrow. "'A bit sticky'…isn't that British talk for 'very dangerous and we only survived it by pure luck?'" At Petunia's blush, she smiled. "Don't feel bad…you're far from the first person of your nationality I've met!" Both women read on, their eyes glued to the page…
Hogwarts Castle, Hogsmeade, Scotland, UK
Harry, Ron, Hermione and Dudley tore through the corridors. When Professor Dumbledore had ordered the Great Hall evacuated, in the wake of Quirrel's revelation, they had been among the first to slip out.
"Ron! Where are your brothers?" Harry gasped. At that moment, he rather regretted the high living and feeding he'd been doing since arriving in England; right then, he thought some of his edge had gone off.
"They're down this corridor! In the boys' lav!" Harry's eyes narrowed as he considered the possibilities. He and Dudley had both been trained by Balalaika, and one thing she always emphasized was to know the ground one was on; they had prowled and explored the corridors of the dungeons very thoroughly indeed, and could have drawn maps of them without much trouble.
"Right! Ron, you and Hermione, go get your idiot brothers, and bring them back toward the main stairs to the ground level. Dudley, you follow me…we need to get Balalaika's gifts out!" Ron and Hermione's eyes widened at Harry's casual assumption of command, but they knew that time was of the essence; they had all read Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, and knew that trolls were exceptionally dangerous, particularly when uncontrolled. They nodded and ran off down toward the boys' lav.
OOO
Fred and George Weasley both wished fervently that they were dead. They had been seized by almost uncontrollable diarrhea during their Potions class, and it had been all they could do to keep themselves contained until Snape released them, at which point they had dived straight into the nearest boys' loo and planned to stay there until whatever ailed them had passed through their systems.
They hadn't expected to see Ron; for some reason their younger brother tended to avoid them. They thought it was shame that he had been Sorted into Slytherin. Therefore, it was a shock when the door to the lav slammed open and they heard Ron: "Fred! George! For Merlin's sake get out of here! There's a troll in the dungeons!"
Fred rolled his eyes. "Oh, sure, Ron, we believe you." He began to sing: "There's a troll in the dungeons, dear 'Liza, dear 'Liza…" Then his blood ran ice-cold as a horrible moan echoed through the halls. He had had enough Defence classes to know what that noise meant! With a few quick motions of his wand, he cleaned himself up and put his clothes to rights, and catapulted out of the stall, with George right beside him. Ron was crouching by the lav door, looking down the corridor with a face as pale as milk.
As they exited the lav, Hermione hissed: "This way! Hurry! Harry and Dudley have something planned!" Fred and George needed no second invitation; they scampered after their brother and his friend as though Death were at their heels. A triumphant howl from behind them lent them even greater speed.
OOO
Harry and Dudley were opening the box that Balalaika had had sent along with them to England, and eventually, to Hogwarts. "Right, Dudley, we've got a M-79 and about ten grenades for it, as well as this RPK. Want to take the RPK?" Dudley nodded, hefting the Russian machine gun with the familiarity given him by long hours of training alongside Balalaika's men. When they had first seen the men of Hotel Moscow at training, Harry and Dudley had begged Petunia and Balalaika to let them do it, too, and Sergeant Boris had made himself personally responsible for their safety. With that assurance, Petunia and Balalaika had both given permission, and the Vysotniki had been delighted to train them in everything they could learn.
Running out of the Slytherin common-room, Harry and Dudley heard frantic footsteps coming toward them, very quickly. Whistling shrilly, Harry yelled: "Hermione! Ron! Over here! We're just outside the Slytherin common-room!" Their friends, along with a pale, ill-looking Fred and George, came pelting around the corner, and ran toward them as hard as they could.
Harry felt slightly sick when he saw why they were running so hard. Behind them, and gaining rather fast, was a huge, unbelievably ugly, humanoid creature with a club in one hand. As nearly as Harry could estimate, the thing stood a good solid ten feet tall if it was an inch, and its expression seemed to be a mixture of utter stupidity and malice. It saw them and howled one word: "Foood!" as it began to trot up the corridor.
Panting, Ron, Hermione, Fred and George managed to stop behind Harry and Dudley, who had just finished extending the bipod on the RPK. Hermione's eyes went huge. "Harry James Potter! Where in the world did you get an AK-47?" she shrieked.
"It's a longish story, and it's an RPK light machine gun, but the basic firearm is the same. Once we're out of this I'll explain everything, but right now, get ready to fight!" Dudley was snapping a magazine into the RPK, and as the troll came closer, he flipped the selector to full-auto, and sent a burst down the corridor.
OOO
Severus Snape, along with the other teachers, was quartering the maze of the dungeons, looking for Quirrel's troll. Snape was planning to skin Quirrel alive for this stunt…the man was supposed to be some sort of expert on trolls, was he not, so what was he doing fainting at the sight of one? Then Snape and his partner, Minerva McGonagall, froze as a loud rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat echoed down the hallways.
"What the bloody hell was that, Severus?" For Minerva McGonagall to swear meant that something really bad, or really unusual, had happened. "That's nae any troll I e'er kent!" Another similar noise…Snape privately compared it to the sort of sound the Devil's own woodpecker would make, pecking for grubs…galvanized both teachers, as they ran toward the unholy racket. Whatever it was, they had to find out, and fast!
OOO
The troll was hit, but not out of the fight yet, by any means. It dragged itself along, howling its rage and waving its club, as Harry and Dudley sweated frantically to get the RPK back into action.
"I can't do it! The bloody thing's jammed, but good! It's this cheap-jack ammunition we got with it!" Dudley screamed, glancing fearfully down the corridor at their advancing enemy.
"Oh, just bloody great!" Swearing in Russian, which he privately thought was a wonderful language for that purpose, Harry stepped forward, privately promising himself a long, long talk with whoever had palmed off bad ammunition on them. As he opened the M-79 to load a round, he thought: Wait till I tell Balalaika! Those people are going to have their balls dangling from their ears!
Yelling "Cover your ears, everybody!" Harry aimed the M-79 at the troll's midsection and squeezed off a shot. The high-explosive round roared as it hit, but Harry, well-trained, was already grabbing for a white-phosphorus round.
As the smoke cleared, Harry could see that there was no need for more shooting. The troll had taken the full force of the HE, and was now splattered all over the place, dripping from the ceilings and walls. Ron and Hermione both looked very sick, and even Dudley was looking a little green around the gills.
Right then, they were found by Professors Snape and McGonagall.
OOO
Snape and McGonagall had heard the shouted warning, and had covered their ears just in the very nick of time. The roar that echoed through the dungeons was louder than anything Snape could ever remember hearing, and he and McGonagall stared at each other in wonder and horror.
Mr. Weasley-from-Slytherin was trying to comfort his terrified older brothers, with Miss Granger alternating between offering to assist and staring wide-eyed down the corridor, where Mr. Dursley and Mr. Potter were grimly pointing some menacing-looking Muggle contraptions at a horrible, splattered mess that Snape, with a twinge in his stomach, recognized as the remains of a rather large, unfriendly-looking troll.
McGonagall recovered from her shock first. "Mr. Potter! Mr. Dursley! What in Merlin's name did you do?" She stared at what was left of the troll, and turned an interesting shade of green, rather amusing Snape. "Mither o'…Mither o'Merlin, was yon beastie the troll we were warned tae seek?" As always when she was upset or startled, her accent was getting away from her.
Mr. Potter paid them no mind, but Mr. Dursley turned and nodded. "Yes, ma'am. Please report to Professor Dumbledore that the known threat has been effectively neutralized, although we do not know at this time whether further threats may exist in this area-of-operations." The choice of words was very unlike Mr. Dursley, and Snape wondered where he'd learned such turns of phrase.
"But what did you do to it?" Neither teacher had ever seen such damage inflicted on a troll; they were stupid, but extraordinarily tough creatures, and would be able to shrug off injuries that would paralyze or kill a human.
"Dealt with it the Roanapur way." At their teachers' puzzled expressions, Harry expanded: "No problem exists that can't be solved with a generous application of high explosives and firepower." He indicated the RPK and M79. "Balalaika sent these along with us; she said they'd likely come in useful, particularly if we were foolish enough to attend a 'Rangers vs. Celtic' game in Glasgow. Please, ma'am, sir, what's 'Rangers vs. Celtic?'"
"Never you mind. I'll explain later. In the meantime, I'll want Professor Burbage…that's our Muggle Studies professor…to examine these devices." Harry and Dudley nodded, as though they had expected no less.
"Easily done, ma'am, but you'd best let us de-fang them, first. And if she wants to look at them, it'd be best if one or both of us were there, to keep things safe. Fooling with these things without knowing what one is doing can be fatally dangerous."
"But why are you here?" Snape wanted to know. "What brought you here, instead of the safety of our common-room?"
"Well, sir," Mr. Weasley-from-Slytherin took up the tale, "we were trying to find my brothers. They were down in the lavs."
"And how did you know they were down in the lavs?" Snape raised a sardonic eyebrow; after years of dealing with Slytherins, he could instantly sense when there was more to a story than he had been told. "Did you, perchance, have something to do with them being there? I did notice that they seemed very uncomfortable in their last Potions class…"
"Please, sir," Miss Granger piped up, "they'd been dosed with a Muggle laxative."
Both of Snape's eyebrows went straight up. While he didn't like the terrible twins, he knew that they were more than old enough hands to not be easily caught with a dose of a potion they hadn't intended to take." "How did this happen, please?"
"I had a six-pack of butterbeer, and they took it away from me, saying that they'd been planning to stuff my head down a loo for being Sorted Slytherin, but that the butterbeer would do. I said I'd tell Percy on them, and they punched me in the gut good and hard for 'siding with Perfect Prefect Prat Percy' against them." At this, both teachers' eyes narrowed, and they gave the twins identical gimlet stares.
"Indeed." Snape stroked his chin, feeling rather like a detective. "And how does this lead to them being dosed with laxatives?" Beside him, McGonagall was looking more and more like an angry basilisk, and the Weasley twins were involuntarily shrinking away from her.
"We'd kind of dosed the butterbeer; we knew the twins would almost certainly take it away from Ron if they saw him with the six-pack. It was a trap, sir. If they'd treated their brother right in the first place, they wouldn't have tasted the stuff, and they would never have been dosed. As it was, they acted just like we expected them to." Snape smiled a very carnivorous smile. It looked like this year's crop of Slytherins were going to be the stuff of legends, even without Mr. Potter and the whole "Boy-who-Lived" thing!
At this point, McGonagall blew up. "Mr. Weasley and Mr. Weasley! How dare you abuse and rob your younger brother? I am ashamed of you, and your whole House should be ashamed of you! Get up to our common-room, right now, young men, and after I've come up with some really good detentions, I'll write your mother about this behavior!" With beseeching looks, but broken, Fred and George took the opportunity to leave the scene.
When they were gone, McGonagall turned back to the Slytherins. "As for you young people, you're fine examples to the whole school…for all that I can't endorse your actual methods. Mr. Weasley, twenty-five points for going to your brothers' aid, even when you had very good reason to be angry with them."
Ron's eyes went wide. "But, ma'am, I had no choice! They're my brothers! They're prats, but I couldn't just leave them to be killed! We're brothers!"
McGonagall stared at him as though he'd grown a second head. In a husky voice, she said: "Severus, do you think there's any chance of a re-Sorting on this one?"
"Not a chance, Minerva," Snape replied smugly. "He's mine, and so are the rest of them. Mr. Weasley, Miss Granger, please go to our common-room; Mr. Potter and Mr. Dursley, please stay here until I can summon Professor Burbage to take charge of these contraptions of yours." As McGonagall turned to go, Snape added: "Oh…and twenty points to each of you for courage, clear thinking, and plotting well worthy of your House. Salazar himself would be proud of you."
"Thank you, sir," said Ron. Then he plucked up his courage. "Please, sir, could you give my brother Percy some points for this even though he's a Gryffindor?" This visibly startled Snape. Ron explained: "He doesn't care that I'm a Slytherin; he helped us figure this plan out, because I'm his little brother. And he was really nice to the rest of us."
"Very well. Ten points to Mr. Percy Weasley, Gryffindor though he be," Snape conceded. "And you may be sure that I shall inform Professor McGonagall that one of her Weasleys is a fine example of all that a Hogwarts student should be, and deserves praise." Snape grinned to himself. And when Minerva hears me saying that, she'll probably faint dead away! He settle down to wait for Professor Burbage, very content with his world.
Bougainvillea Trading Company offices, Roanapur, Thailand.
Balalaika and Petunia had just about come to the end of the letter. Well, that's what happened this Halloween. Thanks to the training we got, we were able to deal with the situation without harm (save to the troll.) Please send us some more "stuff" ASAP.
Love, Harry and Dudley.
PS. Ever since that night, our House-mate, Hermione Granger, has been absolutely plaguing us with questions about Roanapur, and she'd like to come out and visit over the hols. Would that be all right, or should we tell her it can't be done? She says her parents are going to Thailand this summer for some sort of dentists' convention; she'll be over in Bangkok and at loose ends. Please, can she come?
Petunia's eyes were misty. "I'm terrified for them, but so far, they seem to be well able to deal with whatever gets thrown at them!"
Balalaika smiled. "I'm proud of them." Then she narrowed her eyes. "And I plan to have a long talk with Sister Yolanda at the Rip-Off Church. Try to fob substandard ammunition off on me, will she?" She pointed at the telephone. "Petunia, please call Sister Yolanda and let her know that I expect to see her in my office, at her earliest convenience!"
Petunia nodded and picked up the phone. As she dialed, she felt an evil glee coming over her. How dare that phony "nun" put her boys in danger with her shoddy goods? Well, Balalaika would see to that! She pictured the expression on Sister Yolanda's face when she found out just how much trouble she was in, and wondered if Balalaika would let her sit in on the conversation.
END Chapter 07
