Harry and the Pirates

Chapter 27

A Letter Home

Bougainvillea Trading Company main office, Roanapur, Thailand

Petunia Dursley smiled to see the letter on her desk. She recognized the handwriting on the address instantly, and eagerly opened it, hardly able to wait to find out what her boys were up to now. She hadn't been able to stay in Britain after flying in with them, due to an emergency coming up in Thailand that required her presence, and she had felt a real pang having to wave goodbye to her boys at Heathrow.

Dear Mum/Aunt Petunia, she read. The boys always wrote joint letters, which warmed her heart. She was glad that Dudley had had a "brother" to grow up with. She was even gladder that Hogwarts, far from separating the boys the way she still regretted having been separated from her sister, had united them. Then, as she read on, her eyes grew wider and wider, until she finally came to a decision, and buzzed her employer.

Balalaika's warm contralto came over the intercom. "Yes, Petunia? Is there something I need to see in today's mail?"

"A letter from Dudley and Harry. They've got a problem going on at their school, and they thought you might be able to help them with it."

"A problem at their school? This sounds interesting, particularly since I am not, myself, at all magical. I'm flattered that they think so highly of my skills. Bring it on in and I'll read it with you. Things are slow today anyway." Bougainvillea Trading's legitimate activities were all going very smoothly, and Hotel Moscow's more illicit affairs were also running exactly as they should. No small amount of the credit for that went to Petunia Dursley; by that time, the Englishwoman could easily have stepped into Balalaika's shoes, at least for non-combat-related activities. Balalaika appreciated that, and made sure that Petunia's pay packet showed her appreciation.

Once Petunia was in Balalaika's office, the women put their heads together and read.

Things here are going well, on the whole. We've got some new friends. Ron's little sister Ginny, and her friend Luna Lovegood. Luna's a strange one. We aren't sure if she's crazy, or the sanest person we've ever seen. But that's not the problem we need help with.

You remember the trouble we had with our Defense Against the Dark Arts professor last year? We've got a new one, Gilderoy Lockhart, and although he's got a great reputation, we're not at all sure that he's really the great wizard he claims to be. For starters, he had us buying all of his books, and he's written quite a few of them, about how he (allegedly) defeated Dark Creatures. But the books don't go into much detail about how he did it; instead, they talk and talk and talk about what he was wearing, or how much people love him. He's an attention hound and a show-off, and we think he might just be a phony. The girls (except for Luna) all think he's marvelous, though.

Can you suggest some ways for us to investigate this? Professor Snape wouldn't say anything against him directly, but when you know him as well as we've come to, you learn to read between the lines. He doesn't like the new professor. Professor Snape said that if we could prove our case, Professor Lockhart'd have to go, and we might get a decent teacher in that slot for a change. The bad wizard who killed Harry's parents possessed our last D.A.D.A. professor, and he might be back, so we need the best knowledge we can get on that subject, not stuff about what Gilderoy Lockhart was wearing!

Please show this to Balalaika; she'll be sure to have good ideas.

Got to run; we've got Astronomy tomorrow at 3 AM, and we need to be in bed.

Dudley and Harry.

Balalaika's eyes narrowed. "I do not like the idea of those boys having to put up with substandard instruction," she said. "Let me think about how they might be able to prove this Lockhart is not all he claims to be…"

Slytherin Common Room, Hogwarts, Hogsmeade, Scotland, United Kingdom

Dudley came in, waving a letter. "Hey, Harry! I heard back from Mum!" Harry came over eagerly; they had pinned a lot of hope on Petunia and her employer being able to help out on what they'd come to call the "Lockhart Problem."

The boys opened the letter eagerly, to find five pages of neat typescript. Ron came over to see what they had received, his eyes going wide at the exotic Thai stamps on the letter.

"Do you want the stamps, Ron?" At his nod, the boys from Roanapur handed him the envelope. "Balalaika's got some good ideas about how we can prove that Lockhart's a fraud."

"Let me see!" Ron budged on over to look at the letter, and several of the boys came over, curious about what Harry Potter's mysterious employer/mentor had to say about the "Lockhart Situation." By that time, they'd all experienced Lockhart's teaching, and none of them thought well of the man. The girls who were in the room all sniffed disdainfully and withdrew. Harry watched them with amusement.

They read: Dear Harry and Dudley, I showed your letter to Balalaika and she had some very interesting suggestions. Here they are

As they read, their eyes grew wider and wider, and then narrowed with cunning, as they all began smiling evil smiles. Luna, alone of all the girls, had wandered over to see what the boys were up to, and, snugly ensconced under Dudley Dursley's strong protective arm, smiled too, her eyes wide and deceptively guileless.

The next afternoon, after classes were over, Professor Flitwick was surprised to find himself hosting a delegation of Slytherin boys. "Well, gentlemen, this is unusual. How can I help you, and why are you here with me, instead of your House head?"

"Please, sir, we were wondering if it'd be permitted to start a Duelling Club. Since we've found out that you are a championship duellist yourself, we thought of you as the sponsor."

Flitwick raised his eyebrows. "That's quite flattering. And I would be pleased to do so. However, another sponsor, in addition to myself, would be a good idea."

"Yes, sir. We were thinking about asking Professor Lockhart. Maybe he could take the girls and teach them what he knows, while you work with us?" At the mention of Lockhart's name, Flitwick's eyes narrowed. Harry thought that he, too, had been unfavorably impressed by the posturing Defense professor.

Flitwick's smile struck Harry as distinctly carnivorous. "That sounds like a wonderful idea! Perhaps you young men should consult with Professor Lockhart about this? After all, he has a busy schedule already; I see that he's going to be meeting with a Witches' Institute to talk about how he came to write Magical Me, and that's on top of his teaching. He may also be called upon to deal with some outbreak of Dark creatures."

"Oh, we will, sir! I think that Professor Lockhart will be happy to help!" And with that, the boys took their leave, as Flitwick stared after them, shaking his head ruefully and chuckling.

OOO

When they approached him, Professor Lockhart was delighted with the idea. "A Duelling Club? Capital idea! I'll be glad to teach you boys all I know about duelling…see my published works for details! And having Professor Flitwick in on it'll be a great help. While he's not really in my league, I'm told that he knows a thing or two about duelling."

"Perhaps we could split it up? Maybe have you teaching the girls, while Professor Flitwick teaches us boys. Then have a friendly competition, to see who's learned the most?" Draco Malfoy's damask cheek showed no sign of the tongue firmly planted in it; Harry admired his cool plausibility.

"By Merlin, that sounds absolutely wonderful! We'll have two teams, and train separately, and then put on an exhibition for the school at large. Don't want to separate teams strictly by gender, though…wouldn't look good for you boys, being trounced by a bunch of mere girls!" Lockhart winked in a man-to-man way that made Harry and Dudley instinctively step back and put their hands over their money pouches. In Roanapur, thought Harry, I wouldn't trust this fraud to sell me a fresh mango! He looked at Dudley, and he could see that his cousin was thinking along the same lines. Again, he blessed the luck that had had him growing up in Roanapur; a "wretched hive of scum and villainy" it might have been, but it was one of the best schools for survival anybody could ever ask for!

"We'll announce the formation of the Duelling Club, and that Professor Flitwick and you are each sponsoring a team. Then whoever wants can sign up for either team. Can't say any fairer than that, can we?" Dudley smiled ingratiatingly. Nobody who knew Dudley well would trust that smile, but Lockhart took it at face value. Harry hid a grin. For such a world-renowned defeater of the dark, Lockhart was extremely trusting!

Meanwhile, the second part of the Slytherin boys' project kicked into gear. The Slytherin seventh-year boys put together a timeline, posting it on the wall of the boys' shower room. "For some reason," Pucey explained, "we're not sure that the girls can be trusted."

Then the boys started going through Lockhart's floridly-overwritten books with a fine-toothed comb. Every event that they could pinpoint a date for went on the timeline; conflicts soon began to appear, such as times where Lockhart would have had to be in two places at once. All of these were duly noted, along with times where Lockhart claimed to have done the impossible. The impossibilities, such as forcing a werewolf back to human form despite the full moon, were annotated with references to standard works where the true facts were laid out.

The girls knew nothing of this, and Hermione beamed proudly when she saw Harry, Ron, and Dudley all sitting together in the common room, all absorbed in studying Lockhart's books while scribbling copious notes. "See? Studying's not so hard, now is it? I bet that we get the most points of all this year, and you'll all get better grades!"

Luna looked up from her seat beside Dudley, and made as if to say something, but Ron caught her eye and shook his head, signalling her to stay quiet. The blonde girl had very little idea of discretion, saying whatever came into her head, but her housemates were teaching her about the concept. She would not lie, but she had already proven that if she did not choose to talk, no force on Earth could make her say anything.

"Oh, we're learning a lot, Hermione," Harry said. "Balalaika suggested this course of action to us, and we're finding that it pays many dividends!" Hermione nodded. She had come to respect the Russian crime queen in her time at Roanapur, and Harry momentarily felt a twinge at having to humbug his best female friend. He suppressed it, telling himself that having her learn caution this way could save her from a far worse fate than embarassment in her later life.

When the formation of the Dueling Club was announced, along with the names of the team sponsors, the girls erupted in loud squeals. Sure enough, once the rosters were up, Lockhart's team had a clear majority of the girls, including all the Slytherin girls save only Luna. Some of the boys also signed up to learn from Lockhart, and they didn't mind crowing at the boys who joined the other team.

"At our first tournament we'll kick your collective arses!" sneered Oliver Wood, the Gryffindor Quidditch captain and Keeper.

"We look forward to it, Oliver," Luna answered, all quiet dignity. The sight of the Gryffindor boy towering over the diminutive blonde Slytherin aroused her Housemates' protective urges, and several of them stepped forward, led by Dudley Dursley, who put his arm shelteringly around her shoulders. She beamed up at him.

Meanwhile, school went on. After a disastrous incident involving Cornish Pixies, Lockhart confined himself to reading aloud from his books, often calling students up to act out the "exciting" parts with him. Much to his mortification, Harry was a particular favorite of his, and always got cast as whatever poor creature or Dark wizard lost to Lockhart.

"He's jealous of your fame, Harry," Ron said, one evening in the Slytherin boys' dorms. "He hates thinking that anybody but him's going to get attention, so he sets you up as a straw-creature for him to knock over. He thinks that proves something."

"You're right, again, Weasel," Draco Malfoy put in; he'd been going through Holidays with Hags carefully, but had put it down to rest his eyes for a second. "My father says that when he was at an awards banquet at the Ministry, Lockhart managed to upstage both him and the Minister himself!" Draco shook his head. "He was lucky it was in public. My pater doesn't take well to being shoved aside so some preening phony can prance up to the stage first, not one bit he doesn't!"

Much to the surprise of Harry, Ron and Dudley, Draco Malfoy had thrown himself wholeheartedly into the "get rid of Gilderoy Lockhart" campaign, and had done nothing at all to impede matters. He had even written to his father several times for data, and had cheerfully shared the results.

Pucey came in. "Hey, lads, don't forget, we're having tryouts for the Quidditch team. After losing so many players last year, we're short-handed, so we need everybody second-year and older who can fly!" Harry made a mental note of that, and he knew that his chums were doing the same. They did enjoy watching Quidditch, and Flitwick had told them that good fliers were at an advantage in combat.

END Chapter 27