Chapter 42 - I Miss That

"Have you fully recovered yet, Fuyutsuki?"

The old man, still feeling the strain of his abduction and incarceration, shook his head as he rotated his right arm. "My shoulder is still rather stiff, but I can manage."

"Hrm. Agent Kaji will most likely be dead soon, if he has not already been intercepted." Gendo blinked once, slowly. Professionally, he would feel the loss of the triple agent a little bit, as Ryoji Kaji had done a good job of keeping SEELE distracted. But the foolish man had made his decision, and the Old Men would not take such an insult laying down.

Fuyutsuki sighed philosophically. "A damned shame. I forgot to thank him."

"Knowing the man, he would have likely refused any thanks. We will need to keep an eye on Katsuragi now. No doubt she will soon begin sniffing around. Do we know if he gave her any information?"

"Nothing guaranteed, but I think we can safely assume he did." Fuyutsuki paused. "Are you sure you don't want her monitored?"

Gendo gave a slight shake of his head. "No. Katsuragi would not act while she knows she is being watched, and she will find information about the Old Men and their goals well before she discovers our true objective. She will direct her hatred against them, not us."

Fuyutsuki nodded in agreement. "And... your son? Did he...?"

Gendo sighed, causing the half-finished paperwork on his desk to flutter. "He remembers what happened to Yui now."

Fuyutsuki winced in sympathy. "But... he still doesn't know yet?"

"That... I cannot be sure of just yet. I believe the Second Child either knows or at least suspects, after her time absorbed into Unit-02's core. With how close the two of them are, she would not keep such a thing to herself. Therefore, he too knows or suspects."

"...And when Shinji does eventually let slip that he knows?"

Gendo remained silent, turning the question over in his mind. Too many things were being kept hidden for the security of the scenario, even from his son, and it was currently impossible to predict how Shinji would behave if he found out. And now, of course, what he knew the Second Child would also know and vice versa. The question was... how would they react?

One way or another, though, neither of them would stand between him and reuniting with Yui.

XXX

Something clattered on the floor of the kitchen, rudely awakening him. He raised his head, wincing as his neck protested at his unorthodox sleeping position. Slowly bringing a hand up to rub at the aching spot, his eyes glanced around the room, brain still in the process of waking up and determining what was going on. Weak light was shining in through a gap in the curtains, giving him a rough idea of the time. He stood up, only to be stopped by resistance on his left hand. He looked down, and saw the cause: she was still holding his hand. He couldn't remember if they had ever let go since yesterday.

Memories returned as his brain began to open doors to let them in. They had returned home yesterday, after... well, all of that, and then Rei had shown up at their door, and then...

Oh. Right.

He looked down at her, his own expression shifting to match hers. Mister Kaji was... gone. How, he did not know, but she would certainly know the man better, and she was absolutely sure of it given the contents of that answering machine message. Who was he to try and say otherwise? To her of all people?

With some regret he gently pulled his hand free, and quietly padded towards the kitchen. He paused after a few steps, glancing down at his left hand with a frown before looking back at Asuka. He searched his mind, looking for any sign of... her, and came up empty. Their synchronisation, constantly active ever since waking up yesterday, seemed to be... shut down? Disconnected? Could it be... restored? Did he actually want that? Did she?

Well, Asuka did say... -or rather, believe- that it was useful and could only make them better at working together. All he could do for now was wait and see what happened. In the meantime...

Shinji turned around and walked into the kitchen... only to come to a stop yet again upon seeing what was there.

Numerous empty beer cans were strewn about the kitchen table. Some were laying on their side, their last dregs leaking onto the table's surface. One had fallen off the table, rolling and coming to a stop near the lounge room. And in the middle of the mess, slumped over the table asleep, was Misato.

Shinji sighed despondently as he took in the sight, slowly moving over to the table. He had expected Misato to take the news badly, but to drink herself into unconsciousness? An unwise sniff of the air made him dry heave, reflexively bringing up a hand to cover his mouth. His foot nudged something, and he looked down at it only to dry heave again. The rubbish bin was sitting next to Misato's chair, containing... stuff. Shinji swiftly retreated to the lounge room, before his stomach decided to add to the smell.

A blue head of hair rose up into his peripheral vision. Its owner let out a small yawn before shifting on the couch to face him. "Good morning, Shinji."

"Mor-urgh..." Shinji swallowed and tried again. "Morning, Rei. Did you... um, sleep alright?"

"My neck feels rather sore, but I shall manage." Rei paused, tilting her head slightly as her eyes scanned him. "You look unwell."

"Oh no, I'm fine, it's just..." Shinji hooked a thumb over his shoulder at the kitchen. "It smells awful in there, that's all."

In fact, the stench was starting to reach into the lounge room as well. Rei sniffed the air and immediately wrinkled her nose. "...I understand," she quietly said. "I shall go and clean up the mess." She stood up, pausing just as Shinji did upon realising that she was holding Asuka's hand.

"It's fine! I can do it!" Shinji protested, even as his stomach voiced its objections. "I just... need a moment to get used to the smell."

Both hands now free, Rei straightened up and gave him a serious look. "As Misato insists on telling me, this is my home. You are a guest, therefore such a chore falls to me." She glanced at Asuka. "Instead, perhaps you could wake Asuka up. After everything that has happened, she may wish to see your face first when she awakens."

Those words, from Rei of all people, brought a blush to Shinji's cheeks. He opened his mouth to insist that he could help, but the expression in those steely red eyes told him Rei would brook no opposition. He sighed in defeat and nodded, moving to sit back down on the couch next to Asuka.

Rei headed to the kitchen, pausing only momentarily upon seeing what awaited her. "I see," she said in a voice like ice. "She has never been this excessive before."

"Misato was closer to Kaji than any of us," Shinji clarified. "I'm fairly sure they were actually... you know, together."

"Hrm." Rei hummed, in that irritating way his own father habitually did. In all likelihood she had picked it up from the man, with as much time as she spent with him. "In that case I will certainly need Asuka awake, so that I may move Misato into her room."

"I can help with that," Shinji hastily replied, making to get from the couch.

Only to be stopped by Rei's upraised hand. "No, you will not. I will most likely also need to change her shirt."

"...Oh!" Red returned to Shinji's face as he caught onto her meaning. "Um... yeah, alright, I'll wake her up."

"You just did," came a sleepy voice from right next to him. He turned his head to see two grumpy blue eyes staring at him. "What freaking time do you call this?"

"It is just after oh-six-hundred," Rei immediately replied. "Could you please help me move Misato to bed?"

A sniff of the air apparently told Asuka everything she needed to know. She sighed and said, "Yeah alright, not the first time I've done this sort of thing."

The two girls went into the kitchen together, returning after a minute with Misato's arms slung over their shoulders. Shinji hastened to slide open the door to the bedroom and then get out of their way, closing it after them. It didn't take long for him to decide not to just wait around and, steeling his stomach as best he could, he headed into the kitchen.

When Rei and Asuka came out of Misato's bedroom a short time later, Shinji was putting the last of the empty beer cans into a trash bag. The air now smelled very strongly of lemon, but it was at least a scent that didn't turn the stomach.

"I did say that I would clean up," Rei reproachfully stated.

"You had something more important to deal with," Shinji countered. "I figured I may as well do something in the meantime."

"...Very well." Rei then excused herself and went into the bathroom.

After tying up the trash bag and leaving it by the front door, Shinji turned around and recoiled in surprise; Asuka was standing directly behind him in the hallway. Rather than saying anything, however, she simply stared at him. Puzzled, he returned the gaze.

An awkward minute passed before Asuka rolled her eyes. "I guess that's broken then," she muttered, walking back into the kitchen. She stopped for a moment, glancing at the answering machine, before swiftly moving on to the lounge room. "It wasn't a bad dream," she quietly said as Shinji sat down next to her. "He's really gone..."

No words came to Shinji's mind, so he did the next best thing he could think of. Slowly, hesitantly, he took hold of her hand, interlacing their fingers. Part of him expected their synchronisation to return upon the physical contact, but try as he might nothing seemed to change. Asuka looked down at where their hands met, then up at him. He gave her a weak smile; she didn't mirror it, but he felt a slight pressure on his hand that told him what she thought of the gesture.

"I think... at this point," he said. "We can safely say that NERV can't be trusted anymore."

Asuka blinked a couple of times, before her face hardened into a scowl. "Yeah. I'll bet my status as pilot that Kaji was looking into them and got silenced. Damnit." She tore her gaze away. "We were going to ask him to try and help us out. Now what are we going to do?"

Shinji thought for a moment, then looked towards the bedroom door. "Maybe... Misato can help us?"

"Her?" Asuka scoffed, but then her expression turned thoughtful. "...Yeah, she might help. She's pretty high up in the chain of command, so I thought at first that perhaps she's in on what happened to our mothers too, but I'm pretty sure she would have let something slip by now."

Shinji nodded. "Misato and Mr. Kaji were very close. If he was looking into NERV, maybe he told her what he was doing? Just in case something like this happened?"

"A distinct possibility." Asuka's free hand began to rub her chin. "We can't exactly ask her right now though."

"Speaking of which, maybe we should head back to our apartment for now," Shinji suggested.

"Good idea. I need some coffee anyway, since we didn't get much sleep."

Rei met them in the kitchen as they were heading out. "Will you be going to school today?" she asked, turning away from the sink with a glass of water in her hand.

Asuka made a face. "After what we just went through? Hell no. I- we still need some time to sort out just what thehell happened."

Rei nodded. "That is understandable. I myself will be staying here to keep an eye on Misato."

"Try and make sure she stays sleeping on her side," said Asuka. "The position we put her in, and the pillow we put behind her her back should suffice, but keep checking. If she vomits while still asleep, her skin gets cold, or if her breathing gets slow or shallow, call NERV."

A concerned look crossed Rei's face as Asuka gave her instructions. "Perhaps I should stay with her until she wakes up."

"Wark."

The three teenagers turned to Pen-Pen's freezer. The penguin, seemingly having just woken up, yawned and pointed a clawed flipper at himself before pointing towards Misato's bedroom.

"You wish to stay with her instead, Pen-Pen?" asked Rei.

Pen-Pen nodded emphatically, then gestured towards the glass of water in her hand. Rei gave it to him and he began to waddle over to the bedroom door.

"...Well I guess that solves that," Asuka remarked.

Rei remained looking in the direction Pen-Pen had left. "Indeed. I will bring him breakfast after I have had mine. As for the two of you, please feel free to return whenever you wish. As Misato often says, our home is your home."

Asuka nodded. "Sure thing."

Shinji did so too. "Goodbye for now, Rei."

The second they were back in their own apartment, Asuka practically ran over to the coffee machine to turn it on while Shinji took a detour into the bathroom. When he returned to the kitchen, two steaming cups of coffee were sitting on the table on opposite sides. Fairly sure he knew what was to come, he took his seat and looked across the table at Asuka.

Who then opened her mouth and said four words that, according to what he had heard in school, any male should dread to hear.

"We need to talk."

Shinji sighed into his cup of coffee, blowing the steam away before taking a sip. "...Yeah, we do."

Asuka slumped forward in her seat, letting the steam wafting off her own drink rise up directly into her face. "So. A whole lot of shit happened yesterday," she began, staring into the coffee. "We... saw what happened to each other when we were younger, for one thing. You got your memories of your mum back. My mum might have actually been fucking murdered..." She slammed a fist down on the table, then gingerly shook it. "And then we ended up perfectly synchronised."

"I think that was just about the only nice thing of that whole day," Shinji mumbled. He blinked, realising he'd just said that out loud, and his face heated up.

Asuka cleared her throat in a not-at-all nervous manner. "Y-yeah. And now, Kaji is... dead. Where the hell do we even start?!"

That was a tricky question. What could the two of them even hope to accomplish? They were just two traumatised teenagers who went to school in between brief, violent battles against giant alien monsters in equally giant robots containing the souls of their mothers. They barely even had the security clearance necessary to walk around in the Evangelion cages. It wasn't like they could just walk up to Doctor Akagi or his father and demand an explanation.

Shinji took a deep, slow breath. Alright, forget about all the big stuff. What could they do right now? He at least had a thought there. Something that had been prodding him in the back of the head since he'd woken up.

"Well, for starters... what are we to each other right now?"

Asuka froze, staring at him wide-eyed for so long it seemed like her brain had short-circuited.

"...Asuka?"

As if coming out of a trance, Asuka blinked and roughly shook her head. "I... I don't know," she finally said. "I just. Don't. Know." She leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table and putting her face in her hands.

"I-"

"Stop," she interrupted. "Just... give me a minute to get my goddamn thoughts in order."

Cut off before he could even begin to retract his question, Shinji sat and watched as Asuka frustratedly dug the heels of her hands into her eyes. After a few seconds of this, he sighed and reached across the table, grabbing both her wrists and pulling her hands away from her eyes.

"Asuka. Please, calm down," he said. "If you're not sure either... then just say so."

"...Either?" echoed Asuka. She stared at him bemusedly. "So you're saying you don't know what we are to each other, and were hoping I could give you the answer?"

His eyes darted away in embarrassment. "Y-yeah," he mumbled, letting go of her wrists.

"Well, I hate to say this," Asuka paused to take a long sip of her coffee, "but I have no goddamn idea."

Shinji chuckled weakly. "I... guess our relationship even before yesterday hasn't exactly been normal, has it?"

"You're telling me," Asuka muttered, taking another drink. "It'd be so much easier if we still had that synchronisation. I'm... missing it already," she added in a much quieter voice.

"...You too, huh?"

Her gaze, slowly dipping downward as her mood did the same, suddenly shot back up.

"It's... weird," said Shinji, staring at nothing. "We were only synchronised for a few hours, really. We've known each other for far longer than that. And yet..."

"When we were synchronised, I felt... comfortable," Asuka whispered. "I mean, I thought I was comfortable around you already, but yesterday..."

"We hugged shortly after waking up," Shinji continued. "But when we let go physically, it still felt like we were holding each other."

"I felt... it was like... even when we weren't in the same room. It was like you were right there with me."

"Like no matter what came our way, we could face it head on. Together."

"I miss that."

"I miss that."

They were now staring at each other, perfectly still.

"Do you... do you think we can do that again?" Shinji asked nervously. "Without an Angel causing it, I mean?"

"...I don't know." Asuka broke eye contact, draining most of her cup in one gulp then tilting her head back and finishing the rest off. The empty cup smacked down on the table. "How the hell would we even begin to attempt it? I mean, there are those times where we just... do things at the same time, but this is different."

Shinji finished off his coffee and stood up, collecting their cups and taking them over to the sink to rinse out. "Maybe it will just come back," he suggested upon turning around. "There's still sync tests and simulation training waiting for us in the future, and we're pretty much always synchronised during them."

"Yeah... I suppose." Asuka slowly stood up, pushing her chair back under the table and taking a few steps towards the lounge room. Shinji began to follow her, only to halt as she suddenly stopped and turned around. "Hey... Shinji?"

"What is it?"

"I'm... sorry for leaving you hanging like this yet again," Asuka hesitantly said. "You've been waiting so long for me to give you a proper answer, but I still can't do it."

"An answer? To-...oh." Shinji waved his hands in front of him. "No, Asuka, don't apologise."

"Too freaking bad, I just did." She looked away for a moment, then back at him. "I can't remember if I've said this recently, but I'm really glad we're friends. No matter what happens, we'll still have that, right?"

Shinji nodded emphatically. "Of course."

"Good."

Asuka looked away again and began to shift her weight from one foot to the other, while her right hand rubbed at her left shoulder. Just as Shinji was about to ask if there was something wrong, she stepped up closer to him.

"Asuka, wh-"

And put her arms around him.

"...Ah."

He felt somewhat shameful for freezing at the sudden contact, but after a few seconds he managed to bring his arms up to return the hug. Asuka let out a little hum, closed her eyes, and rested her chin on his shoulder.

XXX

Her skull felt like it had just contained the entirety of an N2 mine detonation.

Her body felt like she'd been stepped on by an Angel.

Her hair hurt.

Her fucking. Hair. Hurt.

About the only thing she could feel that wasn't pain was a small warm body pressed up against her belly, but even now it was starting to move away.

With a groan that sounded like an ancient dinosaur coming back to life, coincidentally exactly how she herself felt, Misato slowly pushed herself up, staring blearily at the nearby wall of her bedroom as she leaned on her elbow, body already tired from the exertion.

...She didn't remember going to bed. Again.

"Wark."

At a glacial pace, she turned her head to the side, seeing her faithful penguin companion standing next to her bed. Realising he had been that small island of comfort in a sea of agony, she tried to say his name but her mouth and tongue, which tasted like the inside of a dumpster and probably smelled just as fragrant, refused to obey.

Seemingly understanding her plight, probably due to every other goddamn time she had drank herself to sleep, Pen-pen moved out of her range of vision, returning a few seconds later with a glass of water which he held out to her. She tried to lift up her free hand to grasp it, but a loss of balance resulted in her head returning to the pillow.

"Wark..."

Pen-pen looked down at her, sadness evident on his face despite being a completely different species. With great effort Misato rose up, this time managing to get as far as sitting upright despite the clanging in her head.

At that point, just to make things worse, something nearby chose that as the perfect time to explode. Uncoordinated as she was, Misato still managed to clap her hands over her ears to ward off the worst of the noise. Which of course ended with her head back on the pillow yet again. Wincing in pain, she looked at the source of the noise. Rei was standing at the entrance to her bedroom, one hand on the door she had just slid open, and the other raised to her mouth in surprise.

"My apologies, Misato," she whispered.

At least, it was probably intended to be a whisper, but right now Misato would swear she could hear the Earth spinning like a jet engine beneath them. She unsteadily waved a hand at the girl, trying to signal with an uncooperative arm that it was alright.

Rei gently stepped further into the room, placing her feet in such a way as to make as little noise as possible. While Misato tried to smile at the girl's efforts, it was essentially meaningless because everything was too goddamn loud.

Rei knelt down on the floor next to Misato, putting a hand on her back to help keep her steady. Pen-pen offered up the glass of water and, with her own arms no longer needing to try and hold her up, Misato took the glass with one hand while patting the penguin's head with another.

"'nks, Pen-pen," Misato slurred, focusing carefully on the movement of her arm as she brought the glass to her mouth and took a sip. Despite being plain, room temperature tap water, it tasted like the nectar of gods. After managing to swallow a few mouthfuls, and now that her hangover had settled down slightly, she asked of Rei, "What's the time?"

"It is currently eleven-fifty-five," Rei said, her voice still low.

"Uuuugh." She had to be back at work in three hours. NERV never slept and, a lot of the time, seemed to expect the same of the people that worked there.

"Go and take a shower," Rei said, absolutely not giving an order to her superior officer. "Asuka and Shinji prepared some breakfast for you, so I will heat it up while you are in the bathroom."

"...How is Asuka doing, first of all?" Misato asked after a moment of thought. "I... saw you three on my couch when I got home."

"Asuka is..." Rei hesitated. "She is a bit better now I believe. I brought the two of them here to listen to the answering machine message and Asuka..."

"Yeah," said Misato, understanding completely. "Kaji was my replacement as Asuka's guardian. She was rather infatuated with him for quite a while." She chuckled softly. "Thankfully, then she met Shinji face to face and directed her... attention his way. But still, he was practically a surrogate father to her. I'm guessing you and Shinji ended up falling asleep while comforting her?"

Rei nodded. "It was Shinji's idea. He brought her over to the couch, and asked me to join them. I did not intend to fall asleep there, but..." She glanced at her hand, opening and closing it a few times. From what Misato remembered of the scene, Asuka had probably been holding on rather tightly. "Asuka was rather insistent."

"I can imagine. That girl almost never half-asses things." Finishing off the glass of water, Misato passed it back to Pen-pen and gave him another pat as she unsteadily got to her feet. Her head throbbed with every step she took but she pressed on towards the bathroom. "Well. Shower time I guess."

Never had taking a shower felt so good. Misato actually felt almost normal as she dried herself off. She left the bathroom, dropped the towel on the floor of her bedroom, and quickly got dressed in a fresh set of clothes. Upon returning to the kitchen, where she could smell something delicious, her feet automatically sent her towards the fridge where her arm, also on autopilot, pulled out the sliding section.

...There was a lot more empty space than she remembered. Misato blinked slowly, her hands itching to grab one of those cans and crack it open. She growled, slamming the fridge closed and clenching her fists.

Rei, startled by the noise, turned away from where she had almost finished heating up the food. "Is everything alright, Misato?" she concernedly asked.

"No, it's... I'm fine, Rei," Misato replied with a sigh. "Just... can you please do me a favour?"

"Of course."

"When I'm gone, please..." Misato gave one last glance at the fridge. "Please get rid of every single alcoholic drink in this house. Empty them all down the sink and chuck them in a garbage bag. I'm..."

Misato raised a hand to rub her forehead, trying to push the headache away. How many times had she come home and tried to drink all her worries away? Far, far too many. Kaji was gone now, killed by whoever he had been looking into. There wouldn't even be a body to bury, because NERV, or whoever was behind them, would have made sure of that. All she could do now was continue Kaji's mission in his stead. And the first step to take was to get the hell away from her goddamn crutch.

"I can't be doing this anymore."

XXX

An hour later, fresh and clean with a belly full of breakfast, Misato felt like herself once more. Before heading off to work, she took a detour next door to check on her other two wards, stopping outside their door with a hand raised to press the buzzer. She paused, thinking about the... relationship between Shinji and Asuka. While they certainly seemed about as close as it was possible for two people to be without getting horizontal, she just couldn't tell yet if they had taken that important step yet. On the other hand, with the eerie synchronisation the two of them had... did they even need to? Would they ever need to say a certain phrase to each other?

A sudden pang of grief struck her heart; she should have said that phrase to Kaji a long time ago. Instead she had done the stupid thing and ran away. With her own chance for happiness gone, all that was left for her was to do what she could to ensure a future for her wards.

The hand hovering near the buzzer retreated into her pocket to take out the keycard for Asuka and Shinji's apartment. Misato swiped it and stepped quietly into the apartment, listening carefully for any sign of her entry being noticed as she removed her shoes. The kitchen sounded empty, and there was no hint of the television being on, so she headed through to the doorway between the kitchen and lounge room.

The curtains were open, one of them billowing gently as a breeze came in through an open balcony door. On the other side, Misato could see Shinji sitting in a chair looking out at the city. As she drew closer to the door, she realised that Asuka was there as well, sitting on a cushion in front of him. Shinji's arms were moving, but from this angle Misato couldn't quite work out what was happening. She loudly opened the balcony door, but Shinji and Asuka barely budged at her sudden appearance.

"...Hey kids," she said after a moment of awkward silence.

"Hello, Misato," they both said at the same time.

On perhaps any other day, she would have proceeded to tease them for their synchronisation. Now, though, she didn't want to do anything that could potentially upset the way they chose to cope with the loss of Kaji. Stepping out onto the balcony, she could finally see what was happening: Shinji was combing Asuka's hair. Such a... personal act, bordering on the romantic, was enough to give Misato pause just as she was about to speak. Shinji's eyes being closed as he ran the brush through Asuka's hair might have also had something to do with that.

Back in college, Misato had had her hair brushed by Ritsuko a few times while hungover; she knew what it was like when a brush stroke had caught on a tangle and Ritsuko had taken a moment to realise, since Ritsuko obviously couldn't feel the tangles like Misato could. Asuka and Shinji, on the other hand, were clearly putting their synchronisation to good use if the unchanging expression on Asuka's face was any indication.

After a couple of minutes, Shinji opened his eyes and set the brush on the table before turning his attention to Misato. At the same time Asuka stood up, grabbing the cushion and throwing it through the open balcony door into the lounge room.

"How are you feeling?" they both asked.

"Alright, I suppose," Misato responded after a moment's hesitation. She had almost said something like 'pretty good', but it would be a long time before that would ever be true again. "You two?"

"...Coping. Somehow." Asuka's head drooped slightly. Shinji stood up and placed a hand on her shoulder. Then, somewhat surprisingly, Asuka spoke on her own. "Tell me you're going to find whoever's responsible."

Misato's fists clenched. "Of course. I need to go to work soon, and I'll be trying to find out what I can inside NERV. It's going to take time, though. That place has a lot of secrets." She closed her eyes for a moment, recalling the crucified white giant in Terminal Dogma.

When she opened her eyes, Shinji was shifting his weight slightly from side to side, his hand still on Asuka's shoulder. The two of them glanced at each other, and previous experience told Misato that some sort of communication was passing between them.

"We... we know that some of their secrets relate to us," said Shinji. "Something... really big."

"...What do you mean?"

The two teenagers looked at each other again. Then, they did something that would have sent the Misato of a week ago scrambling for her camera. Shinji and Asuka hugged each other for a few seconds, then let go. A left hand clasped a right hand, and the two of them took a deep breath.

Misato was completely unprepared for what they told her.