The Ländler- Joe Liebgott x Evelyn
"Yeah and then you need to put your arms like that and I do— ow, ow, I didn't say snap my arms off. Fucking hell, Evelyn, watch what you're trying to do. I have work on tuesday and I need my hands and arms intact."
"Well I'm sorry, George. You're supposed to turn so I can turn and then we can do the little hop step thing. No, not like that, what are you doing?"
"No I'm pretty sure the hop step comes after the funny walk with the out turn thing."
"No, the out turn thing is…"
"This is awful to watch," Babe commented with a grimace.
"More than awful, it's downright horrific," Eugene murmured, even as he was unable to take his eyes from Evelyn and George on the grass across from where he sat.
It was the annual Easy Company summer reunion; the one always held on 4th July weekend. Twenty years on and it was still something they did religiously, and twenty years on, Evelyn and George managed to find a way to become more and more… weird.
"What the fuck are they even trying to do?" Nixon muttered from behind his sunglasses.
He might have been the one hosting the barbecue, but everyone knew he was just letting his wife and Dick do all of the actual work while he enjoyed a few drinks.
"Some dance from that Sound of Music Ev's obsessed with," Bill explained with a look of disgust. "She's dragged poor Georgina and Gracie to see that movie five times just this last week because she's so in love with that Plum fella. Georgina don't even live at home anymore and she couldn't escape it. Gabriella's lucky she's visiting our parents in Philly for a few weeks, I tell you."
"His name's Christopher Plummer," Frannie told him. "And the dance is called the ländler. It's some Austrian folk dance or something. As for Gabriella, Clara, your mom and I took her with us on wednesday, so it's only Gianna and Gregory who are missing out because they're too little to go to the movies. Poor kids."
"It's fucking ridiculous is what it is," Bill muttered, ignoring the fact that his own wife seemingly enjoyed the movie too. "Ever since Ev was a kid she'd get these crushes on people; both real life ones and famous ones. Thought seeing as she finally married one of 'em she'd give up on the unattainable ones but I'm apparently wrong."
"And I don't blame her at all. He could blow that whistle at me and I'd come marching in an instant," Frannie told him.
"Absolutely," Kitty Welsh grinned, raising her glass in a silent toast before kissing her scowling husband on the cheek with a sweet smile.
"The ländler scene does get me all hot and bothered too," Vera added with a knowing look at Eugene, who blushed slightly.
"Eh, Liebgott, you not got a problem with your wife fawning over this chump? Or trying to reenact some steamy dance scene of his with Luz of all people. What about you, Delvina? You not bothered either?"
"I'd be bothered if George looked anything like Captain Von Trapp," Delvina snorted from where she stood at one of the huge tables, helping Dick and Nixon's wives put out the cold food ready to eat. "And I'd also be bothered if he could dance like him too. They're just having fun, leave them to it. Keeps them outta trouble is what I say."
"It's embarrassing is what I say," Gracie folded her arms and pushed her glasses up her nose as she turned the page of the book she was reading. "You gotta tell her Uncle Ron."
"I'm telling her nothing," Speirs smirked. "I'm actually waiting for one or both of them to fall in the pool."
"I'll get my new camera ready for that one," Gracie grinned excitedly, and Joe rolled his eyes at Speirs, who was forever buying their children gift upon gift for no reason at all. It didn't matter that three out of five of them were now over the age of sixteen and no longer children, he still spoiled them as though they were.
"Georgina, can you please tell your uncle George he's doing it all wrong?!" Ev shouted from across the lawn.
"Not the first time a woman has said that to him," Perconte scoffed, earning him a clip around the ear from Delvina and then one from his own wife.
"Georgina, I'm your favourite uncle so please for the love of all that is holy, tell your mom that she's the one doing it all wrong!" George yelled.
"Firstly, you're my favourite uncle today, Uncle Ron," Georgina spoke quietly out of the side of her mouth.
"I already know that," he smirked at the looks of indignation from all of the other men, none of whom would be brave enough to say anything though.
"And secondly," she raised her voice. "You're both wrong!"
"Excuse me?!" they both exclaimed, hands on their hips and mouths open wide in disbelief.
"I said that you're both wrong!" she shouted again, rolling her eyes. "Dad, tell them."
"I'm staying outta this," Joe muttered.
"Yeah, good idea, Lieb," George nodded. "'Cause I love you and everything– not in the way your wife does judging by the fact you have five kids and Ev's talking about you having another in the near future before her eggs dry up or whatever happens– but what do you know about dancing the goddamn ländler."
"George, you weren't supposed to tell everyone that me and Joe are thinking about having another baby," Evelyn hissed, punching him in the arm. "And especially not in front of my eldest two who look like they're about to either be sick or combust."
"I'm going to emancipate myself from you," Georgina grimaced. "You two are too old to be making babies. I'm sorry, I kept my mouth shut when you had Gianna and when you had Gregory, but enough is enough. It's gross. I should be the one getting ready to have babies. Who the hell has babies in their forties?"
"Plenty of people, thank you," Buck eyed Georgina pointedly as he cradled his four month old in his arms.
"Oh god, you're all disgusting just having sex and-"
"What's sex?" Joe and Ev's second youngest, Gianna, asked having come from inside the house where Lipton and Martin's wives were entertaining the younger children who were struggling with the midday heat.
"For fuck's sakes," Joe muttered exasperatedly.
"Daddy, you're not s'posed to say that naughty word," Gianna told him off.
"Sorry baby," Joe picked her up and kissed her cheek. "Why don't you go back inside and play, ok? Make sure Greg's being a good boy for me and then I'll ask Uncle Lew to give you some of the good ice cream he hides when we all come."
"You'll never find it," Lewis snorted, pouring the rest of his drink down his throat.
"Come on, I'll take you inside, Gi," Georgina stood and took her little sister from her father with her eyes narrowed at him, before she shouted across the lawn to her mom once more. "And just so you know, dad can dance the ländler and he's been hiding it from you so you don't make him do it with you!"
The gasps around the garden echoed loudly but none louder than that of George, who looked at Joe as the man had gone into his house and poured his prized collection of extensive world wide hot sauces down the drain.
"What?!" Joe exclaimed guilty.
"What?" George scoffed. "I'll tell you what, Joe. Your wife has damn near broken my arms more times than I can count; she's stood on my feet and she elbowed me in the face, all because no one else would take the time to learn this stupid dance with her. And the whole time you, her god damn husband— the man whose job it is to literally put up with her crazy ideas and eccentric ways— can do the dance! Why do you even know the dance anyway?"
"My oma taught it me when I was kid, but that doesn't mean I like to talk about the fact I can do it," he muttered lamely.
"He showed me and my friend, Jen, how to do it last week though," Gracie added loud enough for everyone to hear and she snapped her camera just in time to catch George's mouth opening even wider in disgust.
"You danced the Sound of Music dance with your daughter and her friend but not your wife?" Speirs shook his head even as his lips twitched in enjoyment at the ludicrousness of the whole thing. "Husband of the year award goes to you, not."
"Yeah well if I let Ev know that I could do it she'd pester about it forever and drive me even more insane about it than she does already," Liebgott explained before he even realised the words had come out of his mouth.
"Here we go," Babe whispered under his breath.
"Ten bucks says she runs off in a mood," Bill smirked, completely unaffected by his sister's dramatics these days. In fact, Bill was firmly on Joe's side in this scenario. The man had proved over the last two decades that he had the patience of a saint.
"Fifteen bucks says she cries," Joe Toye added.
"Twenty bucks says I punch you in the fucking face first," she spat.
"How does she do that?" Babe grimaced. "I swear we were talking so quiet."
"She's got mom hearing," Frannie explained. "It extends to husbands and stupid friends as well as children, just so you all know."
"Ev, I'm real sorry," Joe called out, hesitant to walk across the garden and get too close.
"No, you're not," she scowled. "You're just sorry Georgina ratted you out."
"That's true," Nixon murmured, earning an eye roll from Dick, who personally didn't think the sarcastic comments helped.
"No, I really am sorry," he tried again.
"How sorry?" she asked.
"Sorry enough to teach Ev the dance and perform it for us all later?" George grinned.
"Sorry enough to buy you those really expensive pans you've been wanting that I was gonna get you for Christmas but I'll get them early?" Liebgott suggested.
"Pans, really?" Vera tutted.
"She'll smack you round the head with the fucking pans," Bill muttered.
"Twenty years and he's still got no idea," Buck commented with a head shake.
"Would you all shut up?" Joe glared. "You're not helping."
"On the contrary," George disagreed. "We're trying to save your marriage here. I mean I know people say kids ruin marriages but on this occasion it could quite literally be the case."
"Hey!" George Junior exclaimed at the same time as his mother.
"Oh, I'm not talking about my kids," George answered quickly. "But we're losing sight of what's important here everyone, which is that Joe needs to show Ev how sorry he is by dressing up as Captain Von Trapp and performing the ländler with her for us all."
"Whoa, you didn't say anything about dressing up before," Joe scoffed. "Now there's really no chance of it happening."
"Then there's no chance of you sharing my bed tonight," Evelyn folded her arms across her chest and eyed him pointedly. "So it's really your choice. You're either sorry or you're not."
"I'm sorry," Gracie groaned and squeezed her eyes shut in disgust. "I'm sorry that I was ever born to this pair of weirdos."
"I'm sorry for you too," Speirs said.
"Well?" Ev demanded. "Are you sorry or are you not?"
… … …
Joe was not happy.
He could still hear everyone laughing downstairs. Laughing at his fucking expense.
Conveniently unable to find anything suitably Captain Von Trapp like for Joe to wear, Nixon had somehow been magically fucking able to procure men's lederhosen on July 4th weekend of all times! It wasn't Joe's first time being forced into Austria's national dress costume but given that he was no longer five, instead of looking so cute that his mom and aunties made a fuss of him he had looked like a fucking idiot.
As he was stripping out of the ridiculous costume, he was almost wishing that he had just allowed Evelyn to have a hissy fit and threaten divorce instead of what he had just voluntarily put himself through… and all while forgetting until now that Ronald fucking Speirs had given Gracie a camera earlier that day with which she had been able to permanently make a record of his embarrassment. Lucky him.
"What?" he growled when there was a quiet knock at the door. "George, if that's you, I swear to God I'll-"
"It's only me," Evelyn pushed the door open, smiling when he tried his hardest to glare thunderously at her and failing. "Bet you wish I'd just divorced you now, right?"
"I was just thinking that, yeah," he murmured as she closed the door shut behind her and stepped towards him. "But the problem is that you drive me fucking insane enough to want to murder you and fuck you at the same time."
"Is that right?" she traced a finger around his nipple and smirked when she heard his intake of breath. "Would it make you wanna fuck me even more if I told you that I liked the lederhosen. They were very… tight."
Joe barked out a laugh at that. He couldn't help it, because the thing was that he knew she was being deadly serious.
"I honestly worry about your sanity at times," he chuckled, picking her up and sitting her on top of the bathroom countertop, so that he could stand in between her legs and brush his lips against hers. "And I worry about the fact that even after all this time I go along with any crazy thing you ask of me just because I love you so damn much."
"So if I asked you to put the lederhosen back on and sing Edelweiss while we have sex in Nixon's guest bathroom then you won't object?"
"He might not but I will," Nixon's voice came through the door. "Fuck by all means but for the love of all things holy not with the lederhosen on."
"Yes sir," Liebgott snorted, pressing his forehead to Evelyn's as their bodies shook with the force of their laughter. "I love you so much, crazy lady."
"I love you too."
A/N: This fic is set sort of like mid 1965, so by now Joe and Ev have accumulated a fair few children. So here are their names and rough ages to try and make this a bit more (hopefully understandable).
Georgina- 20
Gracie- 17
Gabriella- 16
Gianna- 5
Gabriel- 3
