Humndigder wakes up. The room is unbearably stuffy, his family, afraid of freezing, turns up the temperature even in April. Fear paralyzes him. A figure sits motionless on the edge of the bed.
- Mom? I tentatively tap the figure's shoulder.
- No mom, no mom, just DEATH.
- What? He doesn't know whether to laugh or cry at this grotesque situation.
The figure turns to reveal a skeleton in raven black robes with a hood
- Someone is not washing their ears here. It's the first step to death... The figure rubbed his hands together and giggled loudly, turning to face him.
She really couldn't do it because the breath in his direction was overwhelming.
- Someone hasn't brushed their teeth in ages. He said, covering his nose.
- Not ages, in '95 they buried a dead man with a shoebrush, I took the liberty of using it. He didn't seem to mind. He was kind of naughty. The figure elbowed him and laughed.
- Enough of these jokes! What are you doing in my bed?
- How is what? I'm sitting here waiting for you to wake up. We in the afterlife have a saying: "Most accidents happen in bed. Dead advises: Don't stay in bed. It's nicer to mow people when they're standing. Then you can take a good swing and so... she began to simulate mowing people's heads with her hands.
- Why do I always have such bad luck with people? He dropped his head to his knees and desperately began to pinch his own arm to wake himself up.
- Don't worry. You can only be unlucky to die once. But now I'm serious. Deadly serious... He chuckled again... I come to you on a mission.
- Get out of my room or I'll call the police.
- Try your luck... Death pointed to his phone. He grabbed it and was already dialing the number... But I don't advise it. They will find only the fat man who drank his parents' whiskey.
- Have you had Irish whiskey? They will kill me. He thought he might as well start digging his own grave.
- Death at your service. I bow low. Seriously, it's a pretty good whiskey. But it cannot be compared to the drink that a certain pharaoh once brought to the afterlife. It was just ambrosia. There used to be better times. When people died, they took the flask and provisions with them. This and Death looked with a kinder eye. And now all these crises, savings...
- Please get out of my room and stop talking nonsense!
- But I really am Death.
- I don't believe! prove! Where's your scythe anyway?
- I gave it for sharpening because it dulled a bit, after all, I am not idle. I can remind you of any event in your life. Remember when you were at the carnival and the cotton candy booth almost fell over you? I saved you because I didn't want you to die. Not yet
- As far as I remember, my dad saved me. You weren't there.
- I was. I kept getting you out of some predicament because you were pushing your nose everywhere. And do you remember when you were 4 years old and you were covered with ants and … Here he leaned over to his ear.
- Oh no... You can't know that. He turned beet red.
- I can because I am Death. She said and started levitating in the air.
- So what? Do you want to take me? He asked, tears welling up in his eyes as he imagined his parents crying over his grave.
- And the soul would like to go to paradise, but they don't let you in there!... Death was in good humor... Not so fast, my lord.
- And when will you take me?
- But I don't want to take you. Do I need you for something? Your mouth won't close. Or worse, you'd eat all my chocolate. I already know what you keep in a shoe box. What exactly was there. He winked at him knowingly.
- Don't say you ate my candy!
- I ate. I also ate delicacies and sweets. Heaven in mouth.
- I ask what law? He was already very pissed off.
- That I am Death and I have a scythe. Are you resisting? She asked teasingly and started laughing out loud.
- So you came for free candy. You parasite. His level of nervousness increased in proportion to the amount of information she was throwing out.
- Not for free, I came with interest.
- And that's what I'm listening to. He replied ironically, which Death somehow did not catch.
- Remember old Mary from that cottage in the woods?
- I remember! She dead now. She was terribly mean. We stuffed her pillowcases with cherries once for that. She chased us with a broom all over the village afterwards.
Death smiled bitterly.
- Hahaha! She's earned it now. Because she doesn't want to go to the afterlife through this bedding.
- Now are you really joking??
- It was bark sheets. The woman bought it from a Romanian woman at the market at a promotional price and she can't stand that you smeared her pillowcases with cherries and she can't explain that the bark wheel wasn't even there because that cupcake cheated her. The deceased is so stubborn that now I don't want to go to the other side and she's calling for vengeance.
- She was always this vengeful woman. But it's not just me, these cherries...
- But she just remembered you. She says you're a piece of hell.
- Not only is she mean, she also has a selective memory. And what am I supposed to do? Take her bark bedding to the graveyard?
- And she also orders 5 aprons with flowers, slippers and fruit candies.
- And why does she need 5 aprons in the afterlife??
- You know, a woman is a variable. Anyway, what are these 5 aprons from the perspective of eternity?
- What if I don't carry it? He had already begun to calculate that it would not work out well financially.
- Her come affter you. Along with her broom.
- Should I take her to the cemetery?
- Yes. Under cover of night. And hide in the bushes by the bench.
- And what? Will she come for it? Is this some kind of your afterlife parcel locker?
- Yes. And these hard candies are supposed to be only white because she likes white.
- Well, don't bend. Should I just pick out white candies for her?? And what about it?
- You can give me, for example.
- forget it!
- Never too much beloved body. We have plenty of room in the afterlife. But we are here gadu gadu and there customers are waiting for me.
- Customers? Are you selling?
- Yes, mail order... She started laughing again at her own joke... I'm also responsible for transportation and logistics... He laughed again... I have to go. And with this whiskey, I was joking.
- Didn't you drink? he asked, full of hope.
- I only drank half of it. The greater half. She winked at him and vanished into thin air before he could tell her that halves were always equal.
Humndigder made himself comfortable in bed and made a mental note to buy 5 aprons, slippers and white candy. And mix Irish whiskey with water. Necessarily.