There's a few things in this chapter that I know some people have asked about, so I hope you enjoy it!
Rachel had been with Shelby for almost 6 weeks when Sarah made an 'official' visit to see how she was settling in, it was a huge milestone for Rachel, there had been several homes where she hadn't managed to reach this stage. She spoke to Rachel and Shelby together for a while before asking if she could speak to Rachel on her own.
"Can I show you my bedroom?" Rachel asked, "I've got new things."
"Sure" Sarah smiled, "show me what you've got." She took it as a good sign that Rachel was referring to 'her' bedroom and 'her' things, this definitely felt different to Sarah, like Rachel was allowing herself to settle in and feel at home with Shelby instead of constantly anticipating her next move.
"Look" Rachel pointed to the teepee in the corner of her room after leading Sarah up the stairs.
"Oh, that is fun isn't it."
"And look" Rachel turned on the fairy lights, "it's got lights and I can hide, look" she climbed into the tent and closed the opening, sticking the velcro together to keep it closed. She didn't stay there for long, opening it almost immediately and sitting cross-legged on the beanbag as she told Sarah, "and it's just for me, Shelby never comes in it, she sits there and talks to me sometimes but she never comes in my tent" she said as she pointed to a spot on the floor a little way away from her teepee.
"Do you like that Shelby doesn't come in?"
Rachel nodded shyly, "I like her but sometimes I don't like people near me. I get scared."
"That's okay, and it's good that Shelby respects that, it must be nice to have a space of your own to feel safe."
Rachel nodded, "Shelby said I'm allowed to give myself a time out. If I need it to be quiet or if I get angry or sad I can come in here and close the door to calm down."
"That's a really good idea, it gives you time to cool off before you do anything that might get you into trouble."
"Shelby said it's okay if I feel bad things, I just need to find good ways to deal with what I'm feeling. She says that when she feels bad things she plays her piano until she feels better and guess what?" she didn't give Sarah time to answer, "she's going to show me how to play it too! Oh!" she gasped, remembering something else, "look!" she pointed under her bed, "she got me a blanket!"
Sarah smiled, several of Rachel's past foster parents had mentioned the girl's preference for sleeping under the bed rather than in it, but they'd all asked for advice on how to stop it, Rachel getting frustrated, angry, and overtired when they tried to put a stop with it, one family insisting on waking several times through the night to take Rachel out from under her bed and put her back into it, another bought a divan bed and rang Sarah in a panic one morning when they couldn't find Rachel, the girl eventually found, still fast asleep, in the bottom of her wardrobe. "Do you always sleep under there?"
Rachel shook her head, "it's one of the rules."
"What is?" Sarah prompted gently, she knew Shelby had let Rachel help set the rules of the house and having routine, structure and a knowledge of what was expected of her had helped Rachel try and get a grip on her behaviour.
"I have to get in bed at bed time" Rachel told her. "And I have to really try and go to sleep, but if I really, really can't sleep or if I wake up and it's still dark then I'm allowed to sleep down there if I want to" she pointed under the bed. "There's even a light down there for me to not get scared."
"That's really good, do you ever sleep in bed all night?"
Rachel nodded, "I think two times. Shelby said it was good but she says it's okay if I have to sleep under it as long as I go to sleep and I'm warm and comfortable."
"She's right, it is good that you sleep in your bed sometimes, and it's good that you try every night to sleep in there, maybe one day you'll feel comfortable sleeping in your bed every night, it looks cosy."
"It is! It's really soft and warm and Shelby didn't even get mad when she found my blankie. It was stinky and dirty cos I had to sneak it out of the trash but she wasn't mad, she let me put it in the washer and the dryer so it was clean and didn't smell bad anymore and she didn't say I was a baby!"
"Why was your blankie in the trash?" Sarah asked, the pink blanket was the only thing Rachel had with her when Sarah had collected her from the hospital after the car crash that had killed both her parents and it had been with Rachel for every move since.
Rachel shrugged, "at the last house. He said only babies have blankies and I was a big girl and he threw it away but I took it back when nobody was there and I hided it." Rachel was silent for a minute before Rachel quietly asked, "do you think Shelby will let me stay here?"
"In your tent?"
Rachel shook her head, "in this house. I like it here and I, I don't want to have to move again. I'm trying to be good, I promise I am."
Sarah sat on the floor, it was a tactic Shelby often used and it seemed to work, she also respected the boundaries Shelby had set by keeping her distance from Rachel whilst she was in the tent. "Shelby wants you to stay here" she told her, "she got you your tent, and the blanket under your bed so you'd be comfortable here, and she found you a new school and made sure you had extra help so that you'd be happier than you were at the last school". It was working, according to Shelby, in the three weeks that she'd been at her new school, Rachel's teacher had asked her to use the 'reflection room' just twice, when before, she seemed to use the 'timeout table' most days of the week. "Even if you act out or you get into trouble, Shelby will still want you to stay here." When she'd first met Sarah, many years ago when she was just expressing an interest in fostering, Shelby had said that she'd be open to both short and long term placements, and, if the right child came along, she'd be open to adoption too. For Rachel's sake, even if Shelby was no longer interested in adoption, Sarah hoped this would be a long term placement, that Rachel would get to stay in one place for the rest of her childhood.
"How do you know?"
"Shelby's had a lot of foster children in the past, some of them got into a lot of trouble and she never once asked if someone else could take them, every child Shelby's ever looked after has stayed with her until the time came for them to move on. And she looked after one boy until he was old enough to go to college." The boy had been fifteen when he'd first been put into Shelby's care but Rachel didn't need to know that.
Rachel's face lit up, "really?"
"Really" Sarah nodded, "and I think that, if you're happy, Shelby will look after you until you're old enough to go to college too."
"I'd never have to move ever again? You promise?"
"You know I can't make promises like that Rachel, "but I think it's very unlikely that Shelby will ask for you to go live with another family."
Rachel nodded, she was happy with that answer, "I'd like it if I could stay here forever" she said, flopping back against the beanbag.
"I'd be happy if you could stay here forever too" Sarah admitted, "I know it's hard for you to keep moving all the time. It would make me happy to know that you're settled in a home, that you're happy and cared for."
"Shelby makes me silly lunches to take to school" Rachel smiled, "sometimes it has a funny face on, or it's a different shape, like today my sandwich was like little puzzle pieces all in a square, and she did me carrots in little stars and hummus! She said she wants me to know she's thinking about me even when I'm at school, that's a good thing right?"
"I think so" Sarah nodded, "it means she wants you to know she cares about you."
"She gives me really big hugs too sometimes, but when I want her to go away, she leaves me on my own, but just for a little bit and then she comes back to see if I'm okay."
"That's really good, sometimes you just need some time to yourself don't you?"
Rachel nodded, "but Shelby never leaves me for a long time, just for a little bit and then she comes back and sometimes she brings me a snack or some juice to have in my tent."
Sarah smiled, "so you're happy here?"
"Yeah" Rachel nodded again, "I really like it."
She knew Rachel wasn't lying, she couldn't remember when she'd last seen Rachel so chatty and excited, there'd been a while where the girl had been almost completely mute and, if she was honest, Sarah had brr surprised at how quickly Rachel had changed since she'd been with Shelby. "I'm glad to hear it" she said with a smile, "are you okay to stay up here for a little while so I can talk to Shelby?"
Rachel looked a little nervous as she nodded before quietly asking, "will you ask her if she'll let me stay here forever?"
Sarah didn't need to ask, she knew there was no way Shelby would give up on Rachel, but she nodded anyway, "I'll let her know how happy you are here" she promised before heading back downstairs, finding Shelby sat at the kitchen island deep in thought, "Shelby?" she said softly.
Her head snapped up, "sorry. Is Rachel okay?"
"She's fine" Sarah smiled, "in fact, I'd say she was great, it's been a long time since I saw her so animated, that tent in her room is a fantastic idea to give her a space of her own to escape too."
Shelby smiled, "she spent a lot of time just sitting in that corner, I wanted her to be comfortable."
"You've definitely done that" Sarah sat opposite Shelby, "now do you want to tell me what's on your mind?"
"Hypothetically…" Shelby ran her index finger around the rim of her mug, "if Rachel did settle in a foster home, what would be the likelyhood of that foster parent adopting her?"
Sarah bit back a smile, she'd expected it to take more than a few weeks, but she wasn't entirely surprised by Shelby's question, "hypothetically I'd say very likely. As you know, it was the death of Rachel's parents that led to her being in the system in the first place and we spoke to extended family at the time and nobody was willing to take her in, so, if she was settled with a foster parent, if she was thriving and happy, I'd have no problems in supporting an adoption, I think, for Rachel, the knowledge that someone wants her, that she doesn't have to worry about being sent to another new place, would only benefit her."
"Okay" Shelby nodded.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Sarah asked.
"I know it's too soon to start anything, Rachel needs time to settle here, to learn to trust me. I think if we spoke to her about adoption now she'd say yes just because she's desperate for a permanent place to live and I don't want that, I want her to say yes because she's happy here. She asks me every single day if I'm going to 'send her back' I want her to learn that I want her here no matter what. And there's just something about her. She's so scared and frightened right now, but every now and then I get to see through that shell, I get to see her potential and she's so eager to learn and better herself and I, I want her to have those opportunities, I feel like she's been failed for so long, by so many people, and I, I don't want to be another name on that list."
"You've already had a great influence on her, almost instantly you worked out that she couldn't eat dairy, within days of her moving in here you'd already shown her that you were willing to fight for her, she was over the moon that you'd taught her to write her name, she'd been with you a few days and you worked out something that had missed by carers and teachers for years. You've given her a safe space, upstairs, all she wanted to do was talk about the things you've said and done for her."
"She's a good kid, she just needs to learn healthier ways to deal with everything she's feeling. I'm going to talk to her about therapy once she's settled at school, she's shown an interest in learning the piano and her school has martial arts classes, so I'm going to see if she wants to start that too, that could be a good outlet for her."
"That would be a great outlet" Sarah agreed, "but whatever you're doing, it's definitely working Shelby. Rachel wanted me to ask if you'll let her stay here forever, but it seems like I don't need to ask."
Shelby shook her head, "if it was up to me she'd be here until she felt ready to move out whether that's at 18 or 48."
Shelby and Sarah spoke for a while longer, coming up with a long term plan, Sarah giving Shelby advice on things that would ultimately support a future adoption application, but eventually their conversation came back round to more lighthearted subjects, "she said you make her 'silly' lunches" Sarah said with a smile
Shelby nodded, "a lot of the school lunches had cheese in, and I knew it would be hard for her to know what's in everything she eats, so I asked if she wanted to take lunch instead. It takes me the same amount of time to cut a sandwich with a cookie cutter as it would with a knife, and it makes her happy when she sees her sandwich is shaped like a flower or a star."
"You know you're probably the only person that's ever done anything like that for her don't you?"
Shelby shrugged, "she did say she's never been able to take her lunch to school before, but if it makes her happy, and it gives her something to look forward to if she's having a tough day then it's worth it."
"And knowing you'll go to that effort for her, even if it is just two seconds of your day, means the world to her Shelby, it shows her that she's not just some afterthought."
"I told her that, no matter what, she comes first in this house, I don't know if she believes me and I'd understand why if she didn't, so I just have to keep showing her, I have to keep putting her first and letting her know that she's the most important person in my life."