What are you Afraid of Chapter 3

Author's note: I planned to end this story after two chapters of Oliver's contemplations but I've missed being in Shane's head so decided to add one more chapter to explore what she was experiencing. Then one chapter turned to two. Here is chapter 3 of What Are You Afraid Of and the Chapter 4 will come shortly. I know the subject has been written about many times over but I wanted to throw my own version out to the fandom.

As always these characters belong to Martha Williamson and are acted to perfection by Eric Mabius and Kristin Booth.

Snow and ice crunched under the tires as Shane parked her car in front of her house. The silence of the early morning hour engulfed her. She watched snowflakes drift lazily in the glow of the lone streetlight disappearing as they floated away into the darkness. She rested her forehead on the steering wheel, her knuckles still gripping the leather. Snow often conjured up happy recollections of sledding down hills, building snowmen, and early morning announcements of a school snow day. Those memories didn't exist for Shane. For Shane snow was a frozen reminder of the night her father left his family never to return. Lifting her head she watched as the flakes came to rest on her windshield each with their own individual design. Shane's face crumpled into another round of tears knowing that snow would now also be a reminder of the night she lost Oliver.

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Joey had called Friday afternoon to invite the four POstables to the comedy club. He had something special planned for Caitlyn. He credited them for his relief from the albatross of the missing divorce papers that had hung around his neck for two years and he wanted them to be there to share in his surprise. Shane smiled as she hung up from her call with Joey content that another dead letter had been resolved in the most positive way. She told Norman and Rita about the invitation and they were all in admitting they'd never been to a comedy club and were curious to see what it was all about.

Shane thought of Oliver and hoped he would see the evening as an opportunity to spend a couple of hours relaxing and forgetting everything Holly related. She couldn't picture him at a comedy club but tonight was the perfect opportunity for him to relax and maybe work on his sense of humor.

When Oliver returned from his staff meeting she gave him a few minutes to get settled. Standing in front of Oliver's desk she felt a bit like a middle schooler who'd been sent to the office. She stood awkwardly waiting for Oliver to finish what he was reading and take note of her presence. She focused her eyes on the tray holding his prized collection of antique letter openers. They were displayed on a bed of black velvet and each was lined up with military precision. The cold steel of the blade was smooth under her fingers. She'd seen them there from her first day in the DLO but had never taken time to study them. Each was unique in size and shape and she picked one up continuing to explore the workmanship of the handle.

"Ahem." Oliver cleared his throat and reached for the letter opener removing it from Shane's hand and placing it carefully back in its rightful position. "Was there something you needed Ms. McInerney?" Oliver averted his eyes away from Shane's instead shifting papers around on his desk.

Shane relayed the invitation from Joey and that she, Rita and Norman planned to attend and they hoped he would join them. Oliver brusquely declined the invitation due to a 'previous engagement.'

"Oh. Well that's too bad. We were hoping to make it a POstables night out. Maybe some other time."

"Maybe." Oliver had turned his attention back to the stack of reports on his desk waiting for his attention.

Shane retreated to her desk and returned to the search she'd started earlier. Oliver's tone and disposition had chilled considerably since their talk high above processing earlier that morning. Up on the scaffolding, side by side, Oliver opened up sharing his inner turmoil with her in a way he never had before. She offered no judgement only friendship. Hand on his shoulder she did her best to reassure and encourage him to do the right thing. Forgiveness was the right thing to do both for Holly and for himself. Doing the right thing was as much a part of Oliver O'Toole as was his faith. He would do the right thing, he just needed to figure out what the right thing was.

Shane had become rather stealth at keeping watch over Oliver. She positioned herself so she could peer over her computer screen unnoticed and steal glances at Oliver whenever she desired. And she'd been desiring a lot lately. Occasionally she would lift her eyes to steal a glance and catch Oliver watching her. Sometimes he would quickly look away but other times his lips would curl into a smile and his blue eyes would hold hers long enough to cause the heat to rise in her cheeks. She watched him now. Her curiosity coupled with the inability to pepper Oliver with questions about his evening plans sent her to a dark corner where she imagined every ridiculous possibility under the sun. Most of them she shook off because of their absurdity but others sent her spiraling into a world of what ifs and each 'if' included Holly in some form or fashion.

Oliver kept his head turned away from Shane engrossed in his reading. Shane was convinced he was purposely trying to avoid meeting her eyes. He didn't have to say it. His body language spoke volumes and confirmed her worst suspicion that his prior engagement this evening involved Holly. As much as Oliver was trying to avoid connecting with Shane, she couldn't take her eyes off of him. Oliver pushed back in his chair and stood. Then he sat and then he stood again. Shane watched as he arranged and straightened everything on his desk with meticulous precision. She'd learned long ago that this was one of his coping mechanisms when a situation was out of his control. Finally she could stand it no longer. Not wanting Rita and Norman to hear her she rose and went over to Oliver's desk. In a hushed voice she asked. "Oliver is everything all right." His response sent her stomach dive bombing like a gull attacking a fish in the sea.

Oliver's voice was clipped. "It should be. Soon enough. In the meantime it is nothing that affects our work." Oooh Shane hated that line. It was his failsafe response when he wanted to put an end to any more of her questions. While Oliver dodged her question his tone let on more than his words ever could. Shane wanted nothing more than to put her arms around him and tell him everything was going to be okay. But she knew better. The intimacy of a hug in the DLO, even if she was just a friend, would not be permissible or welcomed by Oliver O'Toole.

The rest of the afternoon was spent trying in vain to focus on her work. Instead she found herself attempting to decipher Oliver's statement. She watched him pull on the bottom of his vest and tug the cuffs of his sleeves repeatedly. He'd straightened the knot on his tie over and over. More signs that he was agitated. The knots in her stomach tightened with every pull and tug.

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Now it was well past midnight and Shane was running on fumes. The events of the day that had turned to night and now back to day again were fuzzy in her tired mind.

One minute she was celebrating Joey and Caitlyn's renewed marriage and the next recovering from a gut punch. "A funny thing happened on the way to our divorce. We fell back in love." Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped. Air left her lungs and she struggled to get it back. Were these the words Oliver and Holly were saying to each other at that very moment? Shane turned on her heel, grabbed her coat and stepped out into the frigid temperatures. She looked right and then left unsure where to go so she did what came naturally. She walked toward the DLO

One thing that was not fuzzy in her mind was the scene that played out as she peered through the door at the Mailbox Grille. Witnessing Oliver dance 'their' dance with Holly was an out of body experience. Shane danced the steps along with them from her vantage point out in the bone chilling cold. Her whole body shook as Oliver turned Holly to face him, their movements playing out in slow motion. Oliver held Holly close as the music continued to play. They stopped dancing and looked into each other's eyes. Shane had dreamt of receiving that same look from Oliver but it wasn't to be. She should have turned and walked away but her feet were anchored to the sidewalk her hands shoved so deep in her pockets that she couldn't feel them balled into tight fists. Her words came in a foggy whisper. "Don't kiss her. Don't kiss her." She cocked her head and took a sharp breath of cold air that burned all the way into her lungs. A whimper escaped Shane's lips as she watched Oliver's and Holly's lips come together. Tears froze on her cheeks and she squeezed her eyes closed trying to stop the flow. She willed herself to block out what she'd just witnessed. Holly's words "He'd kiss me and I'd forget every promise I ever made to myself" rang in her ears like an annoying alarm clock that wouldn't turn off no matter how many times you hit the button. Oliver, the man that sent shivers down her spine at the slightest unexpected touch, the man she respected for his passionate approach to their work and who she'd secretly been in love with for many months, was reconnecting with his wayward wife.

Shane's feet were still in the boots she caught Oliver admiring early that morning. Unfortunately they were no match for the cold and snow. Pins and needles radiated through her feet with every step as she continued her walk to the DLO. She'd lost feeling in her toes and for a moment wondered about the possibility of losing one or two of them. She walked through the post office on her way to the DLO. Walking through the doors she was surrounded by warmth. It wasn't just the air but the atmosphere their team had worked so hard to create. Her decision became clear as she wandered through the place that had become her second home. The DLO. Regardless of how it ended, she would always hold fond memories of this place and the people in it. Shane wanted to support Oliver in his choice. Afterall, she was the instigator of what could only be described as a colossal debacle when she'd looked up Holly's address. She wanted Oliver out of the limbo he'd been living in but she'd always hoped he'd end up on the side that included her and not Holly.

She scanned the room taking in its cluttered comfort. Her first day in the DLO she thought she'd stepped into a storage room with all the random misdirected things still awaiting delivery to their proper home. In time the DLO took on a life of its own with a unique personality not unlike the people who worked there. She would miss this place, miss Rita and Norman, and most of all miss Oliver and their unique relationship. He was her superior but in so many ways they were equals who pushed and prodded each other when they needed it most all for the sake of the work.

Shane knew she couldn't bear to return to work on Monday morning to hear his announcement that his wife had tired of Paris and returned to Denver and they would be rekindling their marriage. Ugh, the thought of what the rekindling involved sent Shane farther down her rabbit hole. She could just see the satisfied smirk on his face and the little bounce he did that was his own personal exclamation point on whatever he'd just said. She texted Becky and simply said. "Please arrange a transfer for me to Seattle Direct Line Operations ASAP. I'll call and explain in the morning." Becky's response was a simple thumbs up and a confused look emoji. Seeing that Becky was still awake Shane had the urge to call her and pour out her heart to her friend. She might have done so if she wasn't still trying to process it all herself. Leaving would be the hardest thing she'd ever done but she knew it was for the best. Just thinking about Oliver and Holly being together was hard enough. Seeing their kiss tore a hole in her heart and the walls that had finally been chipped away were erected once again. Watching them live life together right in front of her would prove her undoing.

Shane rummaged through her floating desk looking for paper and an envelope but came up empty handed. She walked over to Oliver's desk and foraged through his drawers. There in the bottom drawer she found what she had been looking for. Returning to her desk she pondered what she should say. What could she say? Oliver I love you but you love Holly so I'm leaving. No, that wouldn't work. In her note she thanked Oliver for her time there and everything she'd learned from him. She also included a message to both Norman and Rita to not let nothing happen to the two of them. She just hoped that one of them could decipher her code.

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Shane turned off the car. The throbbing behind her red and puffy eyes intensified every time the tears she tried, in vain, to control returned. She was home. At least it was home for a few more days until she could make her next move. It was really too bad. Denver was the first place she could remember where she thought she could make a life. She loved her little house with its front porch. She'd had great plans that once the weather turned she would cover it in flower pots and hanging baskets. Yellow roses like she and her mother had at their little house in DC would look so pretty in front of the porch. The creak of floorboards met her as she exited the car. She knew the sound. It was the same sound she heard when she walked across the loose floorboards of her porch. Her heart pumped faster and her breath came in short bursts. She cautiously approached the steps leading to the porch. Every nerve ending was on high alert as she watched shadows dance on the walls of her porch. Shane balanced her box of workstation contents on one arm as she rummaged through in search of something she could use to defend herself. Her gloved fingers landed on the heaviness of the pilfered letter opener she'd admired earlier in the day. She wrapped her fingers around the handle and held the sharp-edged opener in front of her as she approached cautiously. Her weapon shook in her hand as she climbed the steps ready to confront whatever was waiting. Relief and confusion washed over her as she recognized the source of her fear. "What on earth? Oliver, what is…?"

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Shane fumbled in her bag for her keys though she knew exactly where they were tucked in the side pocket. She took her time locating them not wanting her moments with Oliver to end. She stifled a giggle that bubbled up from within like the effervescence in a good flute of champagne. Oliver stood a couple of steps behind her waiting and watching as she opened her front door. Shane turned to face Oliver one more time. Her hand reached for and rested on his arm. Her eyes glistened as he covered her hand with his. "Thank you again Oliver for such a thoughtful gift." Shane's eyes went toward her new porch swing. "I promise it will get a lot of use."

Oliver tightened his hold on her hand. Looking intently into her eyes, his face serene, he leaned in and whispered in her ear. "I am counting on that, Ms. McInerney." The heat of his breath on her neck and the scent of his cologne combined making Shane's knees weak. She tightened her grip on the door knob steadying herself. The Oliver whose voice was always professional had taken a turn to the subtly suggestive. It rendered her speechless and Shane was powerless to stop her cheeks from blushing.

After several moments of silence she found her voice. "Well, it's late. Have a good weekend Oliver. I'll see you on Monday." She stepped into her house but kept her eye trained on Oliver as she slowly closed the door. She listened for the sound of his footsteps on the stairs. Leaning against the door she almost pinched herself to make sure she wasn't dreaming. The sound of the Jag driving away convinced her she wasn't. The last hour had really happened. When she found Oliver on her front porch putting the finishing touches on her new porch swing she'd been so confused. He was the last person she expected to find anywhere near her house. It wasn't until he finally made it clear that Holly was returning to Paris that Shane took hold of his left hand and pulled it toward her to see that his wedding ring was gone.

Unsure of what it meant for him, for them, she asked. "So, how do feel?"

"You know for two years I've imagined what it might be like if it ever became absolutely clear that my marriage was over. Once all the questions were answered and I knew I would never be Holly's husband again. How would I feel? What would I do?"

"What did you do?"

Oliver took a step toward her and leaned in. His whisper sent every hair on end. "I went out and bought a porch swing."

When he invited her to try out her new swing she returned the invitation patting the space next to her hoping he would join her. He took his place and scooted closer the scent of his cologne filling her senses. He pointed out the crocus on the lawn that was covered with a light dusting of snow. Time no longer mattered and giddy excitement replaced Shane's exhaustion. A bubble of warmth surrounded them as they slowly pushed off and swayed back and forth. Spring was coming indeed.