Thank you to DarylDixon'sgirl1985 and noraborealis for beta reading.
Word count: 2,196
There wasn't much talk after Sirius agreed to let Tonks stay. He led her to a bedroom a couple floors higher than she'd ever been before and left her to prepare for bed, and Tonks hadn't seen him since, almost as if he was avoiding her much like she'd avoided him and Remus not long ago.
Late in the night, a scream pierced the air, startling Tonks awake and making her fly out of bed. She paused, standing in the middle of the unfamiliar bedroom Sirius had let her use. The scream had been startling, but her Auror training slowed her down and let her analyze the situation before she acted.
Sirius was the only other person in the house, which meant he was the most likely source of the scream. There was Kreacher, but what she'd heard couldn't have possibly come from a house elf.
There was a split second when just how much Sirius had been through hit her like a train. While she'd known it all before, she'd never quite felt the weight of it until she linked that horrifying scream back to her cousin.
She'd dropped her fair share of prisoners off at Azkaban over the years, and she'd felt the effects of the Dementors for brief periods while she was there. Spending twelve years in that godforsaken place was unimaginable to her.
A chill travelled down her spine, and she hesitated to act.
Sirius always tried to appear lighthearted, even when hints of darkness crept through the facade. She knew he wouldn't like having his secret turmoil exposed. At first, Tonks thought she'd humor him. The screaming had stopped; it had most likely been a nightmare that he'd woken from. She could pretend she hadn't heard anything and help him keep up the charade. There would be no harm done; his life wasn't in danger.
Except she couldn't go back to bed after hearing something like that.
Knowing the truth would eat at her, and she concealed enough on a daily basis. She didn't need to add to the careful lies she told everyone around her.
Without allowing herself time to falter, she slipped out of the guest room and up a set of stairs to where she knew Sirius' own room was. She worried briefly about not knowing which door to knock on, but a nameplate with 'Sirius' carved in an elegant script solved that problem for her.
She knocked.
"What?" Sirius snapped from the other side of the door.
Tonks sucked in a breath, unsure if his short temper was because she might be Kreacher or if he was angery about being found out.
Taking a deep breath, she answered.
"I wanted to check that everything was okay."
There was a sound of things being shuffled around inside the room. A lock clicked, and suddenly, the bedroom door opened.
Sirius stood in front of her in pajama pants and a t-shirt that was slightly askew. Though he seemed to have run his hands through his hair in an attempt to tame it, it was tangled from sleep. None of that caught her attention as much as the look in his eyes though.
While Tonks knew him well enough to know he wouldn't harm her, the fire there did caution her as she ran through what she'd learned in Auror training about how to de-escalate situations when people got angry.
"Why would I need checking up on?" he snapped. "Everything's fine. Go back to sleep."
The earlier gratefulness he'd shown when she offered to spend the night was gone and replaced with fear that was manifesting as anger. Tonks watched him for a moment as she debated her options. After seeing him safe, her adrenaline had ceased, leaving her exhausted, but her curiosity wouldn't let her have peace yet. If anything, the exhaustion made her bolder than she'd have been otherwise.
"You didn't sound fine a few minutes ago."
Sirius exhaled, closing his eyes briefly and steeling himself as he faced her. At the very least, he didn't seem eager to lie, perhaps sensing that would be useless against an Auror.
"I had a nightmare," he admitted. "Then I woke up, and the nightmare was over. It's not worth making a fuss over. I can take care of myself."
"What was the nightmare about?" Tonks asked.
She'd hardly even heard the last of what Sirius had said, she'd been so eager to speak.
Sirius' lips thinned, and his hand that was still gripping the door tightened.
"After twelve years in Azkaban, you have more than enough fodder for nightmares," he said quietly, his eyes focused above her head. "I don't remember what it was about, but it doesn't matter. It wasn't real."
The fact that he was answering only encouraged Tonks to keep asking questions despite the way he avoided eye contact.
"Do you have these nightmares often?"
"Often enough that I'm used to it."
She did hesitate for a second before asking her next one.
"Does anyone else know about them?"
The silence that fell between them was stifling. Sirius' face was a mask as he watched her. Tonks watched him struggle with himself as he did so. She bobbed on her toes in anticipation.
"It's not important—"
"That's not what I asked," Tonks shot back.
Her own temper, fueled by both exhaustion and worry, was getting the better of her as she thought about Sirius suffering alone instead of letting anyone help him. There were countless potions that could help with nightmares, but Sirius couldn't have brewed them without first asking someone to get him the correct ingredients.
"No," he admitted through gritted teeth. "I've been putting silencing charms on my door every night. I only stopped when everyone left. Clearly, I fell out of the habit and forgot tonight."
"Sirius," Tonks said, her voice cracking, "you have to talk about this with someone. If you keep it bottled up, then it'll only get worse. Maybe you don't trust me enough. That's fine. But Remus—"
"Has enough to worry about already," Sirius finished for her, his tone leaving no room to argue. "No one's hurting me, Tonks. They're just nightmares. No use worrying other people over nothing."
"Well, it's too late for that," Tonks said. "I already know, so you might as well talk to me."
Sirius sighed and glanced over his shoulder. Without a word, he moved to the side and motioned for Tonks to enter the room.
Tonks did so, her eyes eagerly drinking in the room for clues about the cousin she was still getting to know. There were a multitude of Muggle—if the non-moving pictures were any indication—girls in bikinis taped to his wall, something that caught Tonks' attention immediately after recent events. And anything that could be red or gold seemed to be, proudly telling anyone who didn't already know that Sirius was a Gryffindor.
The decor felt very much like it was the work of an adolescent, and Tonks' heart twisted at yet another reminder of everything Sirius had gone through. First, he'd been run from the place that should have brought him safety. Then, he'd been locked in the worst place imaginable for more than a decade. Suddenly, Tonks found herself blinking back tears.
"Like the place?" Sirius asked.
When she turned around, he had an easy smirk on his lips, the pain he felt once again hidden behind a mask that he'd had more than enough time to perfect. Tonks took a shaky breath before she answered, turning her own lips into a smirk.
"It's a little immature for my tastes, and if you ask some people, that's saying something."
Sirius laughed, the sound coming easily.
"Do the Aurors hold your age against you? Can't say I'm surprised. They always struck me as sticklers for hierarchy. I never could have made it there. They'd have me thrown out before my first day was over."
Tonks let his words that suddenly sounded so petulant wash over her as her eyes swept the room again.
He was right. Even without the charges of murder, Sirius would have been hated by most in the Auror Office if they were made to work with him. They struggled to tolerate Tonks on the best of days as she repeatedly stretched—or downright broke—almost always by complete accident (not that they believed her).
She'd long resented the constant claims that she was too young to fully grasp the seriousness of the situations they dealt with. Whether or not what the other Aurors said about her was true, she found herself unexpectedly feeling the same way about Sirius.
Despite him being older than her, she was struck by the realization that Sirius had been her age when he'd been thrown in Azkaban and lost twelve years of his life. Over that decade, he hadn't had anyone but himself for company. Not even Remus had visited.
"I really am okay," Sirius said, his voice returning to seriousness when Tonks didn't say anything. "Nightmares are just one of the many amenities that Azkaban provides its honoured guests. You get used to it after a few years."
He perched on the edge of his bed, stretching out his legs in an attempt to appear nonchalant. Tonks watched him in silence.
"I don't even know how many people I've dropped off at Azkaban," she admitted in little more than a whisper. "I just hand them over to the guards. Once they're inside, I never see them again. Of course I knew what I was dropping them off to, but I've never really bothered to think how they must feel once they're in there, separated from the world. I can't even imagine what it's like to be with the Dementors day in and day out."
All traces of a smile were gone as Sirius watched her. He was no longer trying to conceal anything from her.
"Most are a shell of their former selves within a year," he said quietly. "I heard it happen over and over. A few people would get visitors at first, but they almost always stopped showing up by year two, convinced that the person they cared about was gone anyway. But, whether you can believe it or not, I was better off than most. Not only did I know I was innocent, but on top of that, I could turn into a dog and get some reprieve from the Dementors. I don't think anyone else in that place had that. Things weren't easy, but they were better than they could have been. My nightmares are nothing compared to what other people locked up in that place are feeling right now."
He fell into a silence that Tonks didn't dare interrupt, his gaze focused on a spot on the wall. Tonks followed his line of sight to find an old photograph that was well preserved despite being taped to a wall and neglected for a decade. At first glance, she didn't recognize the figures, but she soon realized that she was looking at a much younger Sirius and Remus standing with two boys their age who she could only guess were James Potter and Peter Pettigrew. James really did look remarkably like Harry; she could understand why everyone always commented on it.
Eventually, he continued in a quieter voice.
"And I got out. Very few can claim that. Now I have Harry, Remus, you… More people know I'm innocent than I ever dared to hope for while locked up in that place. I can handle a few nightmares."
Tonks gave him a small smile when he looked at her again. Stepping forward, she placed a hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. He offered her a smile in return, his hand covering hers.
"I'm glad you have us," she said, her voice shaking. She hesitated for only a second before continuing. "By the way, I haven't had a chance to tell you, but I told my mum the truth about you being innocent. She knows everything."
Sirius visibly swallowed, nodding as if fighting back tears.
"I'm glad," he said, his voice choked. "I wish I could see her again. I suppose she doesn't want to join the Order?"
He'd tried to turn the question into a joke, but there was no missing the hope in his voice that made Tonks' throat burn as she sat down beside him.
"No. She says she isn't a fighter, but she does wish that she could speak to you."
She hesitated for a moment before continuing.
"I'll find some way for you guys to see each other."
Sirius gave her another smile and nodded, but Tonks knew that he didn't believe her. After all, he was confined to Grimmauld Place, and there was no way that Andromeda was getting passed Dumbledore's spells unless she changed her mind.
The cousins sat beside each other in silence for what felt like hours as Tonks ran over in her mind possible loopholes to exploit. She found nothing, but her mind wouldn't calm, and the storm only increased once she made it back to her own room to stare at the ceiling until morning came.