List of oneshots part 4
chapter 34
The last man on earth is needed by all the existing pantheons to keep them from NOT dying.
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We find ourselves where most people wish they could go when they die. Heaven!
...
Ok actually it's not heaven from Christian fate, but it IS somewhat similar since it's up in the clouds and was shining all over. There were numerous figures lazing around on the clouds, all at peace with the world around them.
"Ahhh, today feels perfect. Oh wait, it's always that way." Chuckled one figure happily.
"Yeah, the people are happy, life is perfect, everything is gre-"
BOOM
The place shook with the figures blinking and sat up.
"What was that?"
"I don't kn- oh my god, the earth! It's on fire!"
"WHAT?!"
"Oh my god, they're dying, all the humans are dying!"
"But that can't be!" They cried as they ran towards a large model of the earth which currently was burning and had multiple mushroom clouds appearing on it. "How could this happen?!"
"It shouldn't! Last time we checked they had stopped using those nukes!"
"Well they're using them now! Oh god, are they all dead?!"
"SILENCE!" boomed a loud voice coming from a man with an eyepatch, long white beard, raven on his shoulder, and holding a staff as he walked over. "Everyone stay calm. We have lived since the dawn of creation and humans will find any method to fight and kill, but keep in mind. No matter if it is the past, present, or future, they will find a way to come back and continue on living."
"But... what if they don't? Let's check the population and see how many are left sir."
"No need to worry, for my wisdom has already let me know there is..." the god blinked and went wide eyed with his good one as the raven started to caw. "No...no, this can't be. It's far too ridiculous."
"What, what is it?!"
"There... is only one." he spoke up while pointing to the USA with shock.
"One?"
"Only one?"
"But...that means..."
"The human race can't come back!" declared a figure with tanned skin with the face of a falcon with a white garb that covered his waist with a frown.
"They're doomed!"
"Then that means we're doomed too!"
All of them began to panic at the idea while a white bearded man in a toga with gold bracelets huffed and clenched his hands.
"Stop panicking, we can fix this, we created Humanity so we can recreate them, right?"
That made all of them stop and look at him.
"...I... I don't think we can do that again, I mean how long has it been since we did that, we might mess up!" Said a woman in a white toga with a Greek war helmet on her head.
"Agreed, especially when SOME of us have gotten rather arrogant." idly remarked a red head who was floating while wielding fire in one hand while dressed up like some sort of nordic jester.
"Wait, you said there was one human left, right? Maybe we could use them to make more?" suggested a woman with long blond hair and in a pink toga that barely covered her breasts with her legs exposed.
"Ugh, you idiots are forgetting the important part, we need people to remember us! If that's the only one left we need him to worship us, or at least know us or we're screwed!" growled a man wearing red greek armor while holding a sword and spear. "I can already feel my power fading away without more people to hate and want to kill each other."
"Well what can we do, just appear in front of him and demand that he worship us?" Scoffed one goddess as the others paused.
"Actually...that might work."
"Yeah, I mean it's only one human, it's not like it would be impossible."
"If anything he'd be so overcome with joy and relief to see us help him he'd probably try to erect new statues in our honor."
"Yeah.. hey! If he favors one group more then they'll be the new top gods!"
That instantly made all of them go silent and narrow their eyes at each other.
"Now now... let's or do anything hasty..." spoke up the toga wearing bearded man before seeing the gods all glow and vanish from the air making him growl with thunder booming. "How dare you try to one up Zeus!"
"Fear not Zeus, they will not succeed." spoke the one eyed bearded man patting him on the shoulder. "Hey, I think I see something wrong on your face."
"Huh? What are you talking about?" he asked before the raven flew over and started pecking at his face. "AH!"
"That!" spoke the bearded man before glowing and vanished along with the crow.
"Damn you Odin!"
All the deities raced down to earth, where it looked like most of the landscape itself was burned away with buildings collapsing and anything living quickly dying.
"Ok, where is he, where is he?!"
"He couldn't be far!"
Meanwhile we began to move away from the gods and head underground, down a long concrete staircase, past multiple heavy doors until we reached a massive underground bunker.
In said bunker housed so much food and supplies you'd think it was a walmart. And in connecting rooms were vast libraries, large movies rooms and every other kind of entertainment that could be thought of. And on the couch in one of the main rooms was a man in a blue jumpsuit who fast asleep, his mop lying next to him.
He was snoring away while scratching his stomach while having long wild unmanaged black hair while drooling a little. His face had a bit of stubble as he scratched it before yawning and groggily opening his eyes.
"Mmmm...boy, I needed that nap." He yawned as he stretched himself out.. He got up off the bed and cracked his back. "Better get back to work." He picked up the mop and began to get back to cleaning the floor. "If that asshole boss of mine sees me napping he'll give me another lecture. 'Oh! Can't you do anything right? Is this the thanks you give for such a simple job?' Oh yeah, real simple. Cleaning a huge ass base for a paranoid douche who probably wasted all his money." he muttered rolling his eyes. "The day this place gets used is the day I run into a bunch of weirdos from some far away country." He muttered as he kept working, unaware that all the doors leading outside had locked themselves down.
Outside though, the gods and goddesses kept on searching for the lone human.
"Come on, where is he?!"
"I can sense his presence, but there's nothing here!"
"Were we too late? Is he... dead?"
"Don't be foolish!" Snapped Zeus. "He has to be here somewhere!"
"Well it's plainly obvious where he's at." smirked one figure with dark skin, four arms, and short black hair with baggy white pants. "He heard you were coming and buried himself alive."
"I dare you to say that again Shiva, see what happens."
"Oh no, the big bad Zeus will get me. What will I ever do? Oh yeah! Just destroy the universe and make it again." smirked the figure with Zeus' eyes lightning up and the sound of thunder heard. "You forget old man, I've got more power than you and your whole pantheon. You wanna throw down? Go ahead, it'll save you the time of waiting to fade away to oblivion."
"Both of you shut up! You can resume your pissing match AFTER we've found the human!" frowned Zeus with his eyes flashing like lightning. "If you have time to run your mouth, you have time to start digging in the dirt."
"Wait, I think I sense something!" Dionysus cried out as the gods and goddesses froze. "I sense…. Wine! Pure, safe wine!"
"Dionysus, now is NOT the time." frowned a dark skinned being with the head of a jackal.
"No no, I mean wine that's not tainted by radiation. And it's coming from right under us, there must be some sort of safe area buried deep below the ground." He said as he began to dematerialize.
"Quick, follow him, he's traveling to the wine, and if there is a human there then we need to go now!"
Slowly the beings followed while underground the man put the mop aside and looked at the floor.
"Alright, that takes care of the floor. Now to get to work on the inventory, oh joy." He muttered, rolling his eyes. He made his way to a large pair of doors, and after pushing them open he groaned as he stared into a warehouse sized storage area with thousands of crates, shelves and bins. He went to grab a clipboard on the side with a pen and started making his way down an aisle. "Let's see here."
BANG BANG BANG!
He jumped and dropped the items, turning towards the way that led to the entrance and blinked. "Poor guy must have shown up. Maybe he's coming to give me a raise for all the work I've been doing, or maybe to give me vacation days."
"Yes, I knew it, this place is safe!"
"Quick, find the human!"
'Wait, that doesn't sound like the boss… crap, burglars!' He quickly grabbed the mop and felt nervous and scared, especially since there was no way out other than the one way door. 'What are they doing down here? There's nothing valuable to steal except canned corn.' He thought as he began to nervously close the door to the storage room when a large hand stuck itself between the doors.
"A-HA!"
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" He screamed while jumping back as the doors slammed open and suddenly found a huge crowd of people rushing inside. "Don't kill me! Take anything you want!"
"We want you mortal!"
"Oh god, you're cultists!" He paled while dropping the mop and pulled out a can of mace. "Back up! I'm armed!"
"Calm down mortal, we mean you no harm."
"Worship us damn it! We're desperate!" Cried out several at once.
"Who are you people, how did you get in here?!" he cried out looking around himself at the people and raised an eyebrow when he saw some with wings, tails, animal heads, and even some looking big enough to touch the ceiling. "And what's with the weird costumes?"
"QUIET!" boomed out Zeus, quickly making everyone go quiet as he walked out in front of the crowd, the human himself noting how the guy could make a physical trainer green with envy. "All of you have no manners in a situation like this."
"Uh….if you wanna raid the place, go wild, but there's nothing much here worth it." gulped the man.
"You misunderstand mortal, we are the gods, we have been worshiped throughout human civilization, but now, you, as the last human alive, must worship us all." Declared Zeus before the human blinked and raised a finger.
"Uh...what? What the hell are you on about?"
"Zeus speaks the truth." spoke Odin walking forward.
The man looked between them and the crowd before shaking his head. "Hold up, I think I get what's going on. My cheapskate boss wanted a good laugh, so he hired all of you to trick me, didn't he? I always knew that old coot didn't wanna pay me much, but if it's a sick joke like this, he'd spend an arm and a leg just to get a laugh." He said as he rolled his eyes, only for Athena to hold up a monitor, showing a destroyed world, cities reduced to ash, the whole nine yards.
"It is no lie or trick, the humans have killed everyone but you in nuclear war."
"Suuure they did, just like I'm sure this isn't some cheap mask." He walked over to Anubis and felt around the face. "Do I look like I was born yesterday? Any dope can make a cheesy mask like this, but that just means it can come off easy." He started to tug at the fur, making the god annoyed while it held on. "Wow, pretty good cheesy one."
"Let go of me human or I will rip your face off." Growled Anubis. "You don't need one for worship."
"Oh yeah? Well if this isn't a mask, then this shouldn't hurt." He reached up and gave the ears a yank down, making the god roar out, showing off his sharp teeth and making the man pale before finding his throat grabbed in a vice, cutting off his air and lifted up as the god of death snarled at him. "Gah...oh...my….god….."
"Oh my gods, you're worshiping multiple now." Athena added. "Anubis, forgive him, he was ignorant."
"I should rip your throat out for that." he growled at the man before dropping him, watching as the man gasped and rubbed his throat before looking up at him and the others with realization.
"I….you mean….I'm….really the last human….on Earth?"
"Yes, all the rest are dead." Zeus said with a nod as he pulled out a scroll. "Now then, onto business, I declare that you are my new follower, and this scroll contai-"
"A-AAAAHHHH!" He screamed, jumped up and started running around in a circle. "I'M THE LAST HUMAN ON EARTH!"
"Ah, I have forgotten that humans are quite emotional and don't take bad news well." Zeus said with a groan.
"Eh relax, he'll pass out after exerting himself." shrugged Shiva. "Then we can get to the good stuff."
"Nonsense, I can get him to listen in no time." Remarked Loki with a smile.
"Oh god, I-I can't live like this, the only human, I-I...I have to kill myself, I will not live my life alone!"
"NO!" yelled out the crowd as the man looked around.
"Where's the pen? One good jab to the neck should do the trick!"
"Restrain him!"
(five minutes later)
"Easy, easy, just relax, ok? Breathe." Aphrodite said as the man breathed into a paper bag. "In and out."
"In retrospective we should have been a little bit more… gentle with the news that everyone he knew and loved is dead." Sighed Horus.
The man paled before he began to hyperventilate again.
"Horus!"
"What?"
"You're not helping!" She snapped as she rubbed the man's back. "He needs time to deal with this, he's not in any shape to start worshiping us."
"Oh please, we used to have worshippers even on their deathbed, or when some were being eaten by snakes." Set scoffed.
"Well he isn't them, and if you want him to worship you then you need to change your attitude.' Freya frowned. "Ok, how about we introduce ourselves slowly?"
"Very well, I shall start." Odin cleared his throat and held his hand out to the side in a dramatic fashion. "I am Odin, forefather of the norse gods and god of wisdom."
"I….I'm Dave…. So gods are real?" He asked with several nodding. "But...But I thought all of you were made up? Tall tales people liked to talk about and use in comics."
"Nay Dave, those 'comics' you mortals speak of are far from the truth. Why they don't even bother to make my hair the right color." frowned Thor.
"And…. why are you all approaching me? You said something about worship, but most of you haven't really been worshiped for centuries, right?"
"To you perhaps, but that is not completely untrue. You see Dave, even as times progressed and changed, we still lived. As long as our tales were told and people knew about us, we continued to exist." Explained Zeus. "Why even tales told in confounded and strange tales of what you consider fiction was enough to keep us from fading."
"So as long as people talked and knew all that stuff, you could just keep on living? Forever?"
"Yes, and that's why you being the last human is problematic, we can't risk the knowledge of us being lost to time, and the nuclear bombs destroying most sources of knowledge we now have to turn to you." Bumba said with a nod.
Dave looked down and stood up before walking over to lean against the wall. "I thought today would be like any day. I get up, clean, do inventory, eat, then go back to sleep. But now? Now everything and everyone I know is gone." He closed his eyes before perking up and turned to them. "Wait! That's it!"
"What?"
"Well some of you guys are in charge of Hell right?"
"That's not it's only name, it has many."
"Whatever, can't you just find a way to bring them back? I mean you're in charge, so what's stopping you from pulling up the people who died?"
"It's not that easy, we can't just bring people back to life, even if we did the rest of the world is too irradiated to host life right now." Hades said with a frown. "We can't bring them here, and due to the ancient laws we can't bring people back to life after a certain amount of time, that's why in the ancient tales the hero always goes right to the afterlife to save their loved ones."
"But….hey wait, I know!" He smiled and looked around. "The ones everyone knows about. Where's God himself? Or Satan? I'm sure either of them could help, I mean they ARE pretty big."
"That…. Let's just say it's very, very complicated, and they can't help." Loki said as he rubbed the back of his head.
"Oh fuck me!" He cursed face palming and started banging his head against the wall. "Why the hell did this have to happen to me? Is it karma? Fate? Or is this some kind of cosmic messed up form of humor?"
"No, this is mostly humanities fault and dumb luck, you'd be surprised how much stuff is effected by that, like you surviving."
"And how we've had a hand here and there. Like Mt Fuji, remember that bro?" Spoke Ares turning to Hephaustus who huffed.
"Oh here we go with that. Let it go, or do I have to bring up the Helen of Troy debacle, I'm sure mom here would LOVE to remember that."
"Both of you shut up, we have bigger things to worry about." Snapped Thor.
"Yes, and I for one believe Dave here has been given a great opportunity. The last human, who shall keep us all surviving for the future of this planet. Quite an honor." Remarked Quatzalcoatl with a nod.
"Yes, the last human to keep our stories alive, to keep them true, to give us power…." Bast said before she started to trail off, realizing what that means as some of the other gods and goddesses began to connect the dots.
"I… could you give me some time to process this? I… I think I need to think about this, and I think it might be easier to process this if I could talk to some of you one on one instead of everyone at once." he said as he looked out at the sea of gods and goddesses. "I'll go back to my room to try and relax, and please, PLEASE don't try to cram all together in there, it's already tiny enough as is."
"Ok, some of us will come and visit you there in a bit to discuss things."
"Alright." He sighed as he made his way to the master bedroom, now his room by default, the gods calmly watching him enter, waiting for the door to close before they turned and glared at each other.
"ME FIRST!" Several yelled out. "NO ME FIRST! STOP THAT!"
"Hey, hey, hey! It is clear that I, as king of the gods, have the divine right to go first." Zeus said with a frown.
"Oh no no no, not this time." Frowned Hera. "Last I checked, it's free game now with so limited humans, which means everyone here has a chance at being no more, and you're no different 'husband'." She said with a wicked grin. "He's a blank slate, but we can tell him anything, he'll teach that to his kids and in a few generations our entire existence, our powers, could change dramatically!"
"Especially for the ones who he favors." Spoke up Tsukuyomi. "Which means you have a bigger chance at fading away compared to the rest of us."
"Yes, I say with the powers we have now we'll last for about a year, tops if we aren't worshipped, so we have plenty of time to convince him to favor one or two of us, becoming the new all powerful deity!" Laughed Eris. "Besides, your time as the supposed 'king' was over a long time ago old man."
"W-Why you littl-" Zeus growled before one goddess cleared her throat.
"Ok, ENOUGH! Before you all start a slugfest and destroy this place AND Dave, I say we draw lots on who he meets first, and in which order he meets us, that way it's completely random."
"Agreed, after all, we are not children, we are gods, we have our pride after all." Ra said as the others began to nod.
"Ok, let's draw reeds." Called Selket, her mandibles clicking. "We'll carve notches into them, the lowest is the first to see him, the highest is last."
"And no tricks here." Spoke up Loki sternly. "We are better than that."
"Agreed, let's do this." Hera said as Ra summoned a large bundle of reeds. "May fortune favor the lucky." She said, several gods glancing to Fortuna.
"If any of you try rubbing me for luck, I WILL show you my ugly side." She growled as the gods nodded before they began the process of pulling reeds.
(Later)
Dave stared at the ceiling, lying on a massive bed full of the softest pillow, most comfortable blankets, feeling like shit.
"So…. I'm the last human…." He muttered. "No friends….no family….no nothing….I wonder if this is what that guy from the Twilight Zone felt like."
He sighed as he sat up a bit and looked around. "Hell, I'm even stuck in this bunker, almost like it's a film set." he looked around the room before spotting a bookshelf filled with books and sighed. "At least I got SOMETHING to keep my mind focused, but I'd wish it was TV." he went over and looked around the selection before grabbing one at random and saw it was 'The Big Book of Mythology!', making him raise an eyebrow. "This is either a coincidence or some sick twisted sense of irony."
He groaned as he looked at it before sighing as he took it to the bed. 'If I have to deal with gods I might as well be prepared.'
With that he started to read through numerous tales and legends about the various pantheons.
'...Shit, none of these tales have a happy ending! Dead, dead, turned into a bull, tricked, raped by a stream of gold, dead, dead, dead, torture for all eternity?!' He looked while gulping and wincing. "They never showed that in Disney, and I'm kinda glad. These people have done some fucked up stuff."
Knock Knock
"Hello? Are you ready to see us yet?"
"Oh right, forgot about that." He muttered. "Sure!"
"Great!" Called a female voice with glee as the door slammed open. "Then feast your eyes upon the one and only Aphrodite~"
Dave blushed as she sauntered in and found his eyes staring before shaking his head. 'Focus man, now isn't the time to think with your other head, this is serious business.' "S-So, uh, what can I do for you, uh… you guys said something about worship?"
"That's right. If you choose to worship us, it'll keep us from fading away to nothing."
"And just what exactly does that entail? I mean I get the whole 'remember your stories' and stuff, but I mean I've been reading a little and is it true most worshippers did more than that?"
"Yes, there were elaborate rituals, but this is different circumstances, there's only a little you have to do, but there are…. Perks if you worship me the most~" She smiled with a seductive look which made Dave nearly jump and blush.
"Uh, well, could you give me a little more detail?"
"Oh I think you know what I mean, I am the goddess of love~"
'Focus!' Dave slapped himself to keep it together and took a deep breath. "Right, and you're not the only one from what I understand. There ARE other gods and goddesses who hold the same title."
"Yes, but does that really matter?" She smiled as he shook his head.
"Pass."
"...what?!" She spoke up with wide eyes and was caught off guard.
"Yeah, no offense, but I read up about gods and goeddesses and… sex sounds like a death sentance."
"Oh come on. I'm literally hot and sexy. All it takes to get all this is by worshipping me." Smirked the goddess winking while striking a pose as the man deadpanned.
"And again, I don't wanna risk my life if those legends I read up on are anything to go by."
"Hey! You can't trust those old tales you humans learn! Not all of them wound up bad."
"Alright, name one."
"Of course, there's… uh…." She started before faltering.
"And from what I read, you sure seem to get around, a lot." He said as he cleared his throat. "Plus, you're married."
"You mean Hephaustus? Oh come now, if you're worried he'll try something, he's used to this kinda thing."
"Yeah, I'd rather not risk it." He said as he shook his head."I'll do what I can to keep you from fading, but that's it."
"Oh come now, you can't tell me I'm not ravishing enough to at least try." She pouted as Dave shook his head.
"N-Normally I'd take you up on the offer, but there are hundreds of gods who'll be pissed if I ignored them in favor for you."
"Fine." she huffed before standing up and walked off with a frown and hurt pride. 'I can't believe it, I, Aphrodite, couldn't seduce some random mortal!'
'I hope I didn't just make an enemy.' He thought as a new deity quickly entered the room.
"Don't believe anything that bitch said, I can give you a much better time in bed than her!"
"And you would be?"
"I am Horus!"
"Wait, what? Aren't you a male god? Also I didn't sleep with her."
"Yes, I am what you mortals view as male, but that doesn't mean I can't do more than she could. She's been around so much not even Apophis could feel a thing."
"Ok… like I said before, I didn't agree to sleep with her, I don't plan to sleep with anyone." He said as he gulped nervously. "I mean I'm sure you've had….experience, but this isn't Hollywood, I'm not gonna sleep with people just to get into my favor."
"Ah, I see, you want gold, right? You mortals do love wealth." Horus said with a nod.
"Well yeah that does sound pretty good, but how could I use it without other people around? Wouldn't that mean they're just shiny and not really that valuable?"
"Um… technically yes, bu-"
"Then I don't really need wealth, so Horus, what do I have to do to worship you?"
"Uh…. not much, just uh…. Chant my name a bit I guess…"
"So like just say your name a couple times each day?"
"Well that's what my old worshippers did, albeit with huge stone statues in my likeness with gold tribute."
"Ah…. well I can't do that part."
"Yeah, I know, but as long as my name isn't forgotten it's fine." He sighed. 'Damn, of all the mortals to be left alive it has to be one who isn't corrupt, greedy or horny.'
"Wait, you mentioned Apophis, as in that giant snake you're always fighting? Isn't he still in the dark? Literally. Won't you have to be ready to fight him again come tomorrow?"
"Yeah, I don't really do that anymore…. Look, it's complicated, you know all those epic stories of gods battling monsters, heroes and so on? Well…. They are a bit exaggerated, but they give us power. The reality is that me and Apophis' 'eternal struggle' more or less lasted a few weeks, and we're cool now, she's actually next."
"She?" He responded as Horus walked out of the room. "I didn't know she was a chick."
"Hey, the ancient world wasn't exactly progressive, and let me tell you, she is excited to see you." He chuckled as he left out the door.
"Finally!" Came a loud voice followed by a hiss as a tall woman with black hair walked in, with white puffy pants and had snake eyes and teeth, without anything covering her chest. "You won't believe how relieved I am to get this chance to talk to you!"
"Y-You're Apophis?! Aren't you supposed to be massive or something like that, and a sn-" He started before she hissed and pressed a finger against his lips.
"Don't say that word!" she frowned before pulling it back.
"But, I was just going by what the book showed."
"Ugh! That damn book, it's all wrong, wrong wrong wrong!" She growled. "Yes I can change into a giant snake, and yes I did change into that form a few times when I fought Horus, but I'm not just a big S word!"
"Ok ok, no need to get mad." 'And possibly bite my head off.'
"Sorry, just…. Thousands of years of being misrepresented, it gets to you, but that can all change now!" She said as she looked at him with glee. "You will shape how I will be seen for generations to come, you will make it so I'm no longer seen as a monster!"
"Oh, is that all? You want me to make it clear that you're not a giant s-" He saw her hiss and look mad. "I mean, a giant limbless reptile?"
"Yes, and I will do ANYTHING to make sure that happens~" She said as she licked her lips. "How about I show you how grateful I am for you doing this, hmm?"
"Again, gonna have to pass on that. Not that I don't want it! It's just there's a lot of people to get through, and I don't think making them wait for a quickie would work out well."
"Oh please, they can wait however long they need too, you have a whole year until we run out of power, so we have plenty of time~"
'Oh crap!' He thought as she licked her lips before jumping right on top of him. "T-Thank you, but I don't think it'll end well if we do this, I-I turned Aphrodite away because I didn't want to make anyone mad or get myself cursed like the people in the book!" He cried as she glanced over at the mythology book.
"So you read that whole book and you think you know how to handle gods and goddesses now~?"
"I didn't say that." He said with a blush as she began to attempt to take off his pants.
"Good, because you may be right about what happens to people who have relations with the gods, but did you read what happens to those who deny them or anger them?" She chuckled as he began to pale. "I'm afraid you're in a no win situation~"
"...oh fuck me side ways."
"Don't mind if I do~"
"Hey! What's the hold up in there?" Called the next god outside banging on the door.
"Hold your horses, he's busy with me!"
"Really, I'll make sure future generations know who you really are! You don't gotta do this!" 'Crap! This is scary and hot, but if we start now it'll be a mess! Why couldn't I have had sex before all this happened!'
"Oh I know I don't have to, but what if I WANT to?" She chuckled with a smile. "Here's another thing you may not have realized about gods and goddesses, we're always in the mood for some fun, why else were there so many half bloods in mythology~?"
"Because the old days were boring and there wasn't that much to do to stay entertained?"
"Right, but still wrong, it's because we loved to have fu-"
CRASH!
"What's the hold up?!"
"I said hold your horses!" she hissed with the door knocked down by Agni who saw this and frowned.
"You can get to work on making demigods AFTER the rest of us have had our turn!"
"No, I want to do it NOW!"
"No, you'll wait your turn damn it, we all agreed, remembered?!"
"Just try it!"
"Gladly!" He ran over and tried dragging her out, along with a few other hindu gods coming in to help while she hissed and tried biting at them.
"No! No, no, no! Let me go, he will be mine, all mine!"
"Lock her up until we're done! And someone keep an eye on the others like her in case they try something like this!" barked Agni before turning to Dave who quickly pulled his pants up. "Until we get our turns, you can keep it in your pants."
"Don't gotta tell me twice." he muttered to himself. "I didn't have much say in what just happened."
"Yes, that will happen, you are dealing with beings older than time with unlimited powers, and who have little to no control." He admitted with his second head nodding. "Alright, so me, Agni, god of fire itself, won't make you do much. If you could merely make it clear that a ceremonial flame lit during weddings and other ceremonies is very vital, that's all I ask. It helps me witness very important events."
"Ok, no problem…. Actually give me a moment, I should start writing this down so I don't lose track." He said as he began to rummage around the room until he found a blank notebook and a pen.
"Good call, for all intended purposes this will be the new holy scriptures in the new world."
"Actually, before he left, I had a question for Horus. How is it so many gods and goddesses can be in charge of the same thing? I mean if there are other gods and goddesses of fire, doesn't that get confusing?"
"I understand your confusion, and the answer is actually quite simple, we share. For example sometime Apollo would pull the sun across the sky on weekdays, and Ra would do it on weekends. Everytime a new deity was created they were welcomed into the fold and we would split the duties again."
"So it's kinda like shifts in a job?"
"Exactly." Nodded the second head. "This is the only way all those stories of gods messing with mortals, partying, having fun, or having kids could happen. If they had to focus solely on their job they wouldn't have time for those things to happen."
"Wow….that makes so much sense." Admitted Dave.
"Just try to have a strong mind, you have quite the line." He remarked before leaving the room.
'You're telling me.'
(10 minutes later)
"Wait, YOU'RE Loki?"
"Yes."
"The Norse one right?"
"Is there any other?"
"Well no, it's just you don't look like how I imagined."
"Let me guess, you were expecting the version that company Marvel has been using, am I right?"
"...Kinda?"
Loki facepalmed and sighed. "Every time, every single time. Look, I DON'T have a big goofy helmet like that, I have a normal sized one like any other norseman. Granted I am still a trickster, but do you have any idea how long I kept getting messed with when they made that version of me? Thor wouldn't shut up until I kept poking fun at him and what they made him out to be. Here's a tip, he is very sensitive about his hair." Chuckled the Norse god. "Now then, about worshiping me, just make a small statue or plaque, leave a few offerings, a small prayer now and then, and that should do the trick."
"Doesn't sound so bad." Admitted Dave as Loki moved over closer.
"And between you and me, I think I have something to help sweeten the deal. You see, like many gods I am a father to several great kids, one of whom is single."
"...you're not gonna suggest the giant wolf are you?"
"Of course not. I'm talking about my daughter Hel. She's been single since she was born, and I think you and her could be quite the item." He smiled. "You'd have a wife, maybe make me a grandpa, and you'd have THE Loki as a father-in-law, sounds like a pretty good deal."
"Yeah…. As nice as that sounds I'm going to have to politely decline." He said as Loki frowned. "Not that she wouldn't make a wonderful wife, it's just that I still have hundreds of gods to talk to, and I'd rather not get smited for favoring you, or risk angering Hel when she learns you tried to marry her off to me without her consent."
"Oh no need to worry about that, she's as gentle as a breeze." He waved off, before a skull flew out and hit him, knocking him down as said daughter walked in with a frown.
"I knew you'd try that father."
"I didn't agree to anything, I swear!"
"I know, I heard." She reached down and started dragging Loki out. "Mother will be angry to hear this."
"Don't….tell her…."
'Ok, that makes this the third offer of marriage I've received.'
(2 hours later)
"Ok, judging by the winged shoes, you're Hermes right?"
"Bingo, the original messenger of the gods."
"So, what do I have to do to worship you to make sure you don't fade?"
"Well offerings of beef jerky could work out. I developed a spot for them a few hundred years ago, and to help sweeten the deal, I'd be more than willing to grant you a blessing." He smirked. "For instance, these shoes of mine? I'd be more than happy to grant you a pair."
"Thank you for the offer, but I don't think that'll work out, I'm confined to the bunker, remember? And in regards to beef jerky, I'm not even sure if there is any in the bunker, and if there is any it won't last forever." 'Although I could go for some right now.'
"Ah…. ok, I see… how about uh…. You play a lyre in front of a statue of me?" he suggested as Dave stood up.
"That'll work, now excuse me, I need to grab a bite to eat."
"Try not to get swamped." Hermes chuckled as Dave began to open the door. "Though that would be like asking you not to touch the sand at the beach."
'You're telling me.' He thought as he saw a huge crowd still waiting and cleared his throat. "We're gonna put a small break on things until I get something in my stomach folks."
"Hurry it up!"
"I'll get you some food!"
"No, I will!"
"I can get it! I know where the storage is!" Called another god as the crowd began to fight and argue, everyone trying to get Dave food in an attempt to get on his good side.
"I'll get it myself!" Dave called as he began to make his way through the crowd to the storage area. He looked at the huge shelves while trying to find something that seemed good. 'Let's see, canned corn, canned beef, canned pears… did this old guy have everything canned?!'
"Maybe I can help you get something more filling." Called a voice behind him, making him turn around in confusion.
"Huh?"
"As the goddess of agriculture, I could get you some fresh fruits instead." Smiled Demeter.
"Really? That would be great." He said with a smile. 'Great, at least I don't have to worry about starving to death in this bunker.'
She held her hand to the ground before a glow floated down it, before the concrete started to crack as a stalk started to grow, before branching out and started to grow a bushel of apples.
"Whoa! That's amazing...wait, doesn't that make the integrity of the bunker compromised?" He asked as he began to pale. 'If it's a nuclear wasteland outside this could kill me!'
"Not quite. After all the very ground this bunker is built right on top of is still good and fresh. It's deep down enough to where no radiation sunk into."
"Oh thank god…. Though maybe better safe than sorry, I think the old guy had a dedicated room for growing food in." He said as Demeter wrinkled her nose.
"But that place is so sterilized, there's barely any good dirt that doesn't have chemicals in it!"
"True, but they're chemicals that still help grow some food that I know won't give me two heads like outside."
"But there aren't any humans with two heads outside, they're all dead…. Also speaking of which, there are going to be a few gods and goddesses that….well…. Won't be in the best condition when you meet them." She admitted nervously. "Artemis is up next and well… you'll see in a bit."
'Uh oh.'
(5 minutes later)
'Let's hope she isn't in a 'shoot arrows at my head' mood.' He thought as he cautiously opened the door and called 'Next'.
"I-It's m-me...hic!" Called a slurred voice as a tall, athletic woman stumbled forward, garbed in camouflage with a large half empty bottle of vodka in her hand.
"Uh, are you Artemis?"
"Y-Yeah… let's get this ove-hic!-with…" She groaned as she stumbled into the room, making it a few feet before she lost her balance and fell onto the bed.
"Do you need a sec?"
"I-I need….deer!" She groaned out as he cautiously made his way to her.
"Well, that's kinda gonna be hard." He said as he rubbed the back of his head. "Seeing how they're all probably… you know…"
"DEAD!" She wailed out. "Everything's dead! Deer, bears, tigers, even rabbits, everything fun to hunt is dead!" She cried out while dropping the bottle on the floor. "What kind of goddess am I if there's nothing to hunt?!"
"Um…." he said as he grabbed the mythology book and began to flip through it. "You're also the goddess of uh… chastity and the moon?"
"So what, all the maidens are dead too and the moon is stupid!" She scoffed while rolling on her back and hiccuped. "It just hangs there in the sky, barren and empty without jack shit on it!"
"Ummm…. Maybe you could change that, you could make it so it could have life and then make some animals on there, make it your own personal hunting grounds."
"It doesn't work like that!" She snapped before crying. "Everything is ruined by those dumb stupid humens!"
'Not gonna stop her on that.' he thought as she tried to reach for the bottle to take another drink.
"So…. what now, how do you want me to worship you?"
"Give me something to hunt!"
"I'm not sure if I can do that." He said as he rubbed the back of his head. "I mean, there's only the gods left and me."
"...that could work." She said as she sat up, the gears turning in her head. "Ok, I need fake deer ears, a tail, and a bow and arrow."
"Wait, why?"
"Simple, once a month you wear the fake deer stuff, and then I'll hunt you in the bunker."
"Hell no!" He cried out with wide eyes. "I don't wanna be hunted!"
"Well I want to hunt! Don't worry, I won't kill you."
"That's not the point!" He argued as he shook his head."Look, I've agreed to some crazy stuff but I draw the line at getting shot!"
"It'll be fine, I'll use these arrows.' She said as she held out her hand and made a bow and several toy arrows with suction cups on them appear. "They'll hardly sting."
"...are those the only arrows you'll use?" He asked suspiciously, calming down as he saw that the arrows were relatively harmless. 'Those don't look too bad.'
"Yes, and I may set up some snare traps, but nothing that would kill you, I can't hunt you again if you die."
'Why does that not make me feel any less better?' He thought before sighing. "...Fine, I'll do it, but only once a month, ok?"
"Really? You swear?" She asked, sitting up quickly. "Y-You mean I can hunt again?!"
"Yes." He said as she gasped happily and pulled him into a hug.
"Oh thank you thank you thank you!" She laughed happily. "I-I have to start preparing right away! Oh, maybe I can get the moon idea to work! I'll talk to the other moon gods! This is going to be great!"
Dave rubbed his head and watched her run out with Bacchus poking his head in.
"Have you seen a bottle of vodka? I could have sworn I had it lying beside me."
"Artemis took it."
"Drat. Oh well, I'll go see if Dionysus has anymore."
"Fine, can you send the next god in?"
(Three days later)
"So Kali, what do you want me to do to try and help remember you for the future?"
"I want… you to kill your enemies and offer their blood to m-"
"No, no, no, we've been over this ten times! I told this to you, I told this to the Aztecs, and I told every other war god, I am the last human, I have no enemies, I can't offer you the blood, hearts, brains, or other organs of my enemies!" He groaned. "If all of you know the rest of humanity is gone, you should know this!"
"This is what I want! If you cannot give me that, what else can you give me?!"
"I can chant your name in front of a statue?"
"Bah! Like I haven't heard THAT enough times already."
"Then what do you want me to do? I can't kill anyone since there is no one else, you don't want me to chant your name, is there anything, ANYTHING else you want?!"
"... I like to dance…."
"Dance?" He asked as he sat up. "Ok, I can work with this, would you like me to dance in front of a statue of you, or maybe dance with you? What kind of dancing do you like?"
"I like…. To dance over the corpses of my enemies!"
"Damn it!" He facepalmed right as Shiva poked his head in.
"Kali dear, are you almost done?"
"Almost, we're talking about dancing over corpses."
"Not over corpses, I don't have any!"
"Well it's the only kind of dancing I'll accept!"
"Then I can't help you! I'm only one guy, the last guy, in fact there may never be any enemies for you to fight or corpses to dance over ever again!"
"Dear, maybe you could be more considerate." Sweatdropped Shiva.
"No, I want blood, corpses, bodies of my enemies!" She declared as Dave groaned.
"Shiva, can you take her and try to explain this, please, then have her come back later?"
He nodded and tried to pull her out. "Come along Kali."
"Don't make me walk across you! I demand blood!" She cried out as he tried to pull her away from the room. "BLOOOOOOOOD!"
'Wow, the legends painted her in a more...calm light.' He thought as he looked at the book. 'Maybe I have the wrong book?'
As he looked at the book the room began to shake as Zeus and Odin entered.
"Mortal, we both have something to speak to you about."
"Ok…. is it about the corpse thing? Because I keep telling them I can;t do that an-"
"No, it's not that."
"Oh, then continue."
"It has come to our attention that you are mortal, and the only way of ensuring that we don't fade."
"Yes?"
"Well, we have discussed it, and we have come up with several ideas." Odin said as he pulled out a large stack of papers. "We need you to sign this, all the gods and goddesses have signed this."
"And it is?"
"Well, in simple terms it is a plan to repopulate the world, we are trying to fix the world but it will take at least 150 years before it's no longer radioactive, and until then we need you to stay alive so we have decided to grant you partial immortality."
Dave looked at them in surprise and then the papers. "Immortality?"
"Partial immortality, you won't have the powers of a god, but you'll stop aging and you can't die, this way we can make sure no accidents kill us all."
"And to be sure you stick around long enough to make sure we don't fade away before there's a chance to repopulate this planet.
"... is there a catch?" He asked cautiously. "This sounds too good to be true."
"No catch."
"Ok…. do you mind if I read it, just to be sure?"
"Fine, also before you do, just know that several goddesses intend to help you repopulate the earth, including but not limited to Aphrodite, Apophis, Hel, Artemis surprisingly, Jörmungandr, Bast, and Selket."
Dave blushed hearing that and tried to keep from getting any funny images in his head. "O-Ok…. So I uh… I have to do this, right?"
"It's best for everyone, trust us." Odin said with a nod. 'And it will make surviving the 'repopulation' efforts more likely.'
"Well, you won't mind if I give it a read over, right?"
"Of course, go ahead, just keep in mind we aren't willing to change much that is in there, immortality is a tricky thing."
Dave took the paper and let his eyes run across the print while trying not to miss a single line for any possible loophole. 'Ok, keep calm Dave, I mean they're offering me freaking immortality, why would they try to trick me?'
"Are you finished?" Asked Zeus impatiently.
"Um…. you know what? Sure, I don't see how this could go wrong." He answered while using a pen to start putting down his signature.
"Great! Now then, prepare to become immortal!" Odin and Zeus held out their hands which began to glow, right before a beam hit Dave in the chest, making him cry out at the sudden surge of power. His body flashed brightly before the power died down and he fell to the floor.
"There, you are now immortal, you are still human, you just won't age or die or get sick." Odin said as Dave groaned.
"Great…." he let out, giving a shaky thumbs up. 'I feel like I just ate a car battery…'
"Now then, I shall tell the others that you are now immortal, be prepared for a few goddesses to visit you soon."
"Oh joy…" he let out while trying to stand up as the two left him. 'Ugh… this is immortality? I still feel like shit…'
"So, you're immortal now~" called a voice as he paled and looked up to see his closet door slowly opening. "Sounds like it's time for some fun~"
"A-Apophis? How….how long have you been in my closet?"
"Long enough to know that I better get first go on making kids before the others do~" She said as she licked her lips. "I can't wait to have fun~" She chuckled as she darted towards him and grabbed him before dragging him to the bed.
"Woah! E-Easy now! I'm still a virgin! I don't have that much experience!"
"Then I guess I'll have to help you, I promise to be gentle~"
He gulped as the camera panned to outside the room before the sounds of hissing and groans were heard, followed by the banging of the bed against the wall.
As this went on a line began to form outside the door, the deities growing impatient.
"Is he really doing THAT right now?"
"Damn it, we still have to talk to him!"
"Greedy bitch."
(Later)
"Uh….Bacchus was it? I'm not really sure about this."
"Why not, this is perfectly reasonable!"
"Bacchus… I cannot make a vineyard in the bunker, and I can't promise to have any of my future children be Maenads." He replied as the roman god crossed his arms. "I don't think I wanna imagine all of them partying instead of, you know, working out what they wanna do in life."
"But I've always had a cult!"
"Look, how about they make the choice when they're older, ok? And I might not be able to make a full blown vineyard, but I could grow some grapes in the garden room?"
"But that wouldn't bring in nearly as much wine!"
"Again, I am in a limited area, I can't make a vineyard, and even if I could there's no way I could manage it and worship all the gods at the same time."
"If I talked it over with Demeter and a few other gods I'm sure we could make it work."
"Look, please, I am only one guy I can't run an entire vineyard in a bunker, even if I grow all the grapes, where am I going to store all the wine while it ferments, where am I going to process it?" He groaned as Bacchus frowned.
"Back in the day it was simple to make wine, modern day humans just had a way to make a bigger batch quicker, but it wasn't impossible."
"Look, I don't know anything about making wine, can't I just offer you a cup of wine once a month or something?"
"Only one cup? Why don't you just make me go completely sober while you're at it." Bacchus frowned. "In my day I had magnificent parties held in my honor every week!"
"Well back then you had thousands of people worshiping you, now you're down to one, you're gonna have to make some sacrifices until the population starts to go up!" He frowned. "Either take some wine, or none at all."
"...Fine, but once every week!"
"Alright, that's more manageable." He said with a sigh as the Roman god got up to leave. 'God that took hours, I need a break.'
"My turn!" Called a familiar voice as Bast walked in, a large grin on her face. "It's been weeks!"
"Come on Bast, I gotta take a break, besides there are STILL other gods and goddesses who I've barely gotten to."
"Yeah, well I can't wait, and it's officially my time to meet with you and discuss worshiping me, all those other times were just for fun~"
"That's debatable." He muttered.
"Aw come on, no need to be so cold." She said as she made her way towards him. "How about this, you can rest for a bit, in exchange I get to rest with you."
"...This is a trap, you're just going to try and steal my bed again, aren't you?"
"Come now, I'm the goddess of cats, you really think I'd go off and do something like that, again?" She said with a catlike grin.
"Yes, because as far as I know this is the only real bed in the bunker, and the entire world, and you've tried it in the past." He remarked with a deadpan. "I'm pretty sure if we also had any sardines you would have scarfed them all down."
"...you're mean." She pouted as she looked away.
"No, I'm just not begging you to lay in my bed just to watch you take a catnap."
"Well too bad, it's happening." She smirked before daring past him and jumped onto the bed with a sigh of relief. "So soft~"
"Hey, shoo, get off, that's my bed damn it!"
"Noooo, it's perfect~" She purred happily. She inhaled the scent while Dave moved to pull her off, but she dug her claws into it. "I'm not moving, you can join me if you want though~"
"Oh no, I do that and then I'll really make the line hold up even more." He said with a frown. "I learned my mistake after that time with Apothis."
"But you had fun, and she was beaming all week."
"Believe me, if there wasn't a line, I'd be all for it, but I don't wanna be in the middle of getting lucky only for one of them to bust the door down, again."
"Well, there is a line and I'm not leaving, so you might as well have some fun~"
He sighed and shook his head. "What the hell, I'm on break."
"Great, now come to your goddess~"
He moved over as the screen went dark and the sound of hissing and purring was heard along with moans.
(Timeskip)
"Ugh…. how much longer until it's safe to leave the bunker?" Dave groaned as he collapsed on his bed. "It feels like forever since I even saw what it looked like."
"We have most of the nature gods working on it, but it should still be twenty five years until every bit of radiation is gone."
"Great, I'll be an old man by the time I can actually go out and smell any roses that are around." He groaned as Bast chuckled.
"You're immortal, remember? You have all the time in the world."
"In hindsight, that's still something to get use to."
"True, but you're also forgetting that it'll be a busy twenty five years for you, right daddy?"
"Yeah, I-wait what?!"
"Come on, you didn't think our little sessions together were just for fun, did you?" She chuckled as he looked up at her in shock. "And here's something else, I'm not the only one expecting~"
"I….seriously?!"
"Yep~" She chuckled as he stared at her, conflicted. "You should celebrate, you're bringing in the first generation of a new world."
"Yeah, I know, it's just...so fast. I honestly expected this to happen WAY down the line."
"Well it didn't, and you should be lucky you're immortal, goddess pregnancies can get….violent."
"...oh god."
"Oh gods~"
(Timeskip)
Dave felt like he was ready to fall asleep given the long long list of suggestions Athena was telling him to try and help her.
"...and that should be it. So, what did you think?"
"Uh? Oh yeah, I agree, totally." He nodded.
"Really? So you have no qualms about anything?"
"Well you are a goddess of wisdom, so you probably don't need any tips from me. I mean you've been around longer than my family tree right?"
"Yes, I'm glad to hear, I will start construction on the surface immediately! Once the radiation is gone you will come up to a paradise!" She smiled before taking the list and left with Dave sighing in relief.
'Finally, some peace and quiet…' He thought before plopping his head down. 'Time for a nap.'
BANG
"Daddy, daddy!"
"Ugh, what is it?!" He groaned as he looked up to see a gaggle of kids rush towards him. "Oh, hey kids, what's up?"
"We wanna play!" Laughed one girl who's lower half was that of a scorpion.
"How about the quiet game?"
"Booo, we played that last time."
"Yeah, we wanna do something fun!"
"Hmmm…. How about…. A movie?" he suggested as they gasped.
"Really? But mommy said those weren't good enough for us!"
"Well, I won't tell if you don't, ok?"
"Movie movie movie movie!" They chanted as he smiled and made his way over to a bookshelf.
"Ok, how about… Finding Nemo?" He suggested as they cheered. "Alright, Finding Nemo it is, just try not to eat the TV when you see the fishes, they aren't real."
"Aw, that only happened once daddy!" Pouted one boy who had reptilian eyes and scales on his arms and legs. "It's not my fault they looked tasty."
"Well just try not to do it this time, ok?" He said as he put the movie in as the kids began to scramble onto his bed. All of them got comfy while he moved over and sat down behind them. 'Alright, you know what, this isn't too bad.'
"Oh! I almost forgot daddy. Uncy Zeus said he wanted to talk to you."
"Huh? About what?"
"I dunno, but he said that you had to go find him after I told you."
"Alright, I'll be right back, so no fighting." He said as the kids nodded. 'I think I'm starting to figure out this fatherhood thing.'
With that he left the room and went off to where he knew Zeus stayed while other gods and goddesses were at work sprucing the place up with some even adding stuff, such as what looked like a bar or swimming pool. He sighed as he reached the spot Zeus was at, the hot tub with several minor goddesses at his side. "Hey Zeus, Maeve said you wanted to see me?"
"Yes Dave, I wanted to discuss with you the progress on repopulating the planet."
"Aren't I already doing that?"
"Yes, but what I mean is that I feel as though it's going rather...slower than imagined." He said as Dave looked at him in confusion.
"What do you mean, I've already had over a dozen kids."
"Yes, but do you know how many children one god could easily have in a single mortal's life? Far more than the legends told."
"Well I'm taking things slow, I mean I've never been a dad before and can only do so much." He said as he held up his hands. "Besides, I don't just want to pump out kids night and day just to increase how many kids I have, I want to take it slow, get to know them, and give their mothers a break before they have another kid."
"Dave, you have to truly understand that being immortal is far different than being mortal. You have more time on your hands than you had, which means you don't need to worry about that."
Dave looked at him in silence and frowned. "Oh really now? So you mean to say, that THE Zeus, the guy who can make it drizzle, is gonna lecture me on how I be a father?"
"Hey, I am the king of the g-"
"Yes, the king of the Greek gods, but remember I'm not just raising my kids, I'm also worshiping every god and trying to teach that to my kids at the same time. Also how exactly do you expect me to populate the planet with just me and my kids, because I am not going to have them get together!" Snapped Dave making Zeus and the goddesses look at him in surprise. "Considering your track record of how you treat your own family, kids, or just anyone in general, you're not someone I'd hear tips from. I'm gonna raise my kids MY way, and since we have all the time in the world, you're gonna wait like everyone else."
"I-Wha-but you?!" He started in indignation.
"Also does Hera know you're cheating on her again?"
"W-That's not important right now!"
"Yes it is! You don't get to lecture me about fatherhood while you're cheating on your wife!" He frowned. "If you've waited this long up to humanity's destruction, then you can wait longer as I raise my kids my way, at my pace, WITHOUT anyone messing with them. In fact, I'd say it's time I work out something to make sure this newer generation has a smoother future."
"What the hell are you talking about?! Don't get arrogant boy, you may be immortal but I am still a god!"
"Oh I know, and that's why." He remarked before turning and walked off with a determined expression. 'Time to talk things over with Odin.'
"Don't you turn your back on me! It would be easier if you were around to help repopulate and worship us, but with your kids we would find a way to manage without you!" Zeus yelled, summoning his lightning bolt.
Dave turned with wide eyes as Zeus looked like he was going to throw it, only for Shiva to step in between with a frown.
"Put the bolt down Zeus."
"After he apologizes, he may be living around the gods and have children with us, but he has to remember his place! He is not talking to equals when he addresses me, understand Dave?"
"Looks to me like his 'place' is being a dad." remarked the god with a shrug as he crossed his arms. "And I highly doubt his kids would enjoy hearing how 'Uncy Zeus' tried to fry him. I mean, you COULD try and intimidate them, but we all know here how that would really go down. Do I even need to point out your own old man?"
Zeus growled as he glared at Shiva and Dave before lowering his lightning. "Fine, but heed this Dave, this is your last warning, cross me again and you'd have wished I'd smite you here today." he declared before disappearing with a loud crack.
"Dramatic~" Remarked Shiva while Dave sighed in relief. "Don't have a heart attack on us, otherwise your kids would be sad." He joked.
"Y-Yeah, right…"
"And for the record I agree with you, you'll repopulate the earth in time, and we'll come up with a solution for you and your kids so there isn't incest." Shiva chuckled before turning serious. "But be careful, Zeus was just an example of what can happen. I know you've been around us and gotten used to us, but you need to remember we are gods, we aren't perfect, but we are powerful, more than a few of us have egos that match that power, and you're just an immortal human."
"I know, I know, it's just...when he started lecturing me on how to be a dad just pushed me the wrong way."
"I don't blame you. If he went and told me how to be a father, I'd tell him to go fuck a duck if he likes animals so much." Shiva chuckled. "Just try to be more careful, he may be a dick, but he is the king of a pantheon, and while he may have dumb opinions he can enforce them, just remember what happened to Prometheus."
"That's why I'm gonna be thinking about the future, and have something set up so it doesn't go to Hell this time."
"That's good, and do that, just make sure you don't get yourself sent to hell before those plans can come to fruition." Shiva chuckled.
Dave smiled and walked off.
(Later)
"Demeter, can't you-"
"For the last time Bacchus, no! We have enough grapes!"
"But, but, we could have MORE!"
"Bacchus, no! If you want more grapes then get to work on fixing the world, once it's not irradiated you can recreate some nature spirits to help you cultivate a whole continent of grapes if you want!" She snapped angrily. "Now leave me be so I can get to work on bringing corn back."
"Ugh, fine, I'll start working on the northern hemisphere." He grumbled as began to leave. That's when the intercom speaker turned on, making everyone perk up.
"Attention everyone, attention. Can all gods and goddesses come to the main hall? I have a big announcement to make." Called Hermes as they perked up.
"I wonder what's going on?"
"Maybe one of the goddesses are pregnant again?"
"Something tells me it isn't that." Demeter said as they reached the main hall, packed side to side with gods and goddesses, with a few flying or standing atop others to get a better view. Up front was Hermes with Dave beside him.
"Alright gals and guys, try not to push and shove." Spoke Hermes into a microphone. "We're all here because Dave here has something big he wants to talk to us all about, and it's a doozy."
"Did he get one of the goddesses pregnant?"
"Is HE pregnant?"
"No, and not sure on that one." he turned to Dave. "Are you?"
"Wha-no! No one is pregnant! Why would I be pregnant?!" he shouted as the gods looked at him awkwardly as some shot glances over to Zeus.
"One time, you sew ONE fetus to your leg and suddenly you're the god who was pregnant."
"Look, the reason I had all of you show up was because I wanna make one thing clear. When it comes to history, usually half human and half gods have a pretty rough life, whether it's from humans or gods themselves, is that or is that not right?"
"He's not wrong, at least half die due to monsters, or angry spouses." One goddess muttered.
That made several all turn to Hera who noticed and frowned.
"Oh don't act like I'm the only one!"
"And so I called you all here because I wanna change that. I know I'm immortal, but when numbers start to go up, I won't be there to raise all of my kids and descendants. I want to make sure they don't go down the wrong path because they were tricked or manipulated."
"Why are you all looking at me?!" YelledLoki with a frown.
"We're not, but now we are!"
"Oh….well you're not wrong."
"Exactly. Which is why with Odin's help I've got this set up." He pulled out a huge scroll and set it down on a nearby table. "A binding contract, one that I would like everyone to sign."
"...No."
"Hell no, if there's any kind of contract that's binding me I want input!"
"Who gave Odin the right to make a contract for all the other pantheons, he's only a Norse god!"
This got the crowd calling out and close to rioting as Dave held up his hands.
"Everyone calm down! I can give you a short summary! It's only meant to help my descendants! It's a promise that no one who signs it will manipulate them!"
"Excuse me, Dave, can we talk quickly?" Athena hissed as she grabbed him and pulled him aside. "Are you an idiot?"
"What?"
"Are. You. An. Idiot? You just told every god in existence that you want to bind them to a contract, good intentions or not that is a moronic idea!"
"I just want to make sure my kids and their kids aren't fucked over!" He frowned. "Is that a crime now? Is it suddenly a bad thing not to wanna see your own kid be manipulated into doing something that can never be changed?"
"No, and I agree, but you are forgetting one tiny detail, WE ARE GODS! We live forever, we are not perfect, and people get hurt, and if you don't want any of us, including the less chaotic gods to mess with them, intentional or not then you have to lower your expectations." She said as he started to argue. "Just listen. You are the last full blooded human at the moment. You said you don't want any of your kids OR your descendants to be tricked or hurt, right?"
"Yes, bu-"
"That means every living human, or half human, is your descendant, which means you want to bind the gods into never touching them…. That's impossible! What am I the goddess of?"
"Wisdom."
"Yes, and?" she said as she prodded him on only to groan when he didn't catch on. "War. I'm the goddess of war as well, and what happens in war?"
"People die."
"Yes, and what happens if one of your kids or descendants prays to me to give them strength in battle to fight the only other people in existence, your descendants? By the wording of the contract I am breaking it!"
"I…..ok, you make a good point." He admitted looking away before sighing. "I'm not trying to make things unfair, it's just...with being a father I'm just worried. I want whats best for my kids, and future grandkids, and I guess when I remembered some of the unfair and unjust stuff that happened in the legends, I got a bit overboard and paranoid."
"And that's not a bad thing, but you need to think long term, we're gods, we have to think like that, and if you want my opinion, scrap the contract, it's too rigid for any god to agree to, ask for a wish, or guidelines, or an agreement, and shorten 'descendents' down to at most two generations." She said as she shook her head. "The world is a cruel place, and some of us HAVE to mess with people, it's who we are, I mean Loki is the literal god of mischief."
"Yeah, he's one of the big ones I figured the contract could keep him in line."
"Dave, people have been trying to control the gods for millenia, and it ALWAYS backfires, have you actually read any of the mythology surrounding Loki? Every deal that seems stacked against him he's always, ALWAYS found a loophole."
"...I just want my family to be safe."
"And they will be… for the most part. Haven't you realized the biggest differences between your kids and those from mythology? They weren't born from a scandalous affair, there is no angry spouse after your head or theirs, and their godly parents sometimes visit them now and then."
"Huh, that is true." He said as he began to nod.
"Good, now get back up, there, apologize to everyone and ask nicely that they please try to leave your immediate family alone for awhile, or at least try not to kill them with anything they have planned." Athena said as the mob of deities kept shouting angrily.
"Right." he ran back on stage and tried to speak up. "Everyone listen!"
"I knew this wasn't a good idea!"
"I shall show the true might of Thor!"
"Let's burn it all down! All of it!"
"I'M SORRY!" He called, getting their attention. "Forget the contract, I would like to apologize for acting so hastily!"
All of them slowly went quiet, for now, as Dave took a deep breath.
"I was paranoid, which is putting it mildly. It's just...as a dad now, I don't want my kids to suffer, but that's stupid. Life itself isn't meant to be fair, or safe, and it's that reason it helped shape people who they were. I just felt with being a dad, the weight of the world was on my shoulders."
"Atlas would beg to differ!"
"But maybe a contract isn't needed. I mean if my family does grow out and make this planet home, they probably won't even know me, or think I existed. I just don't want my kids right now to go through too much trouble and live a pretty decent life, ironic as it may sound. So I apologize for coming across as too controlling to all of you. You all have your roles to play in this world, and I can't change that. All I ask is that for at least 2, maybe 3 generations, go easy on my family."
"Hmph, it seems like he's got his head in the right place, and it wouldn't be a good idea to screw over our only hope of repopulating the world." Muttered Ares.
"Two generations…. Yeah, I could go easy on them for a bit."
"That's much easier than asking for like 6 or even 10."
"Yeah, and it's not like I'd want to hurt my little girl Hel's baby, she'd kill me."
All of them muttered a bit longer before Dave cleared his throat.
"So…. we're all good then?" He asked as he scratched the back of his head. "Sorry about what I said before and… yeah."
"Very well, I think we can manage to make due with your conditions." Zeus said with a nod. "Just remember, we'll try our best, but once the population starts to boom it'll get harder and harder to tell who's your first generation kid from the thirtieth."
"Trust me, I don't expect you to." He said with a sigh. 'I just hope it helps just a bit though.'
(Timeskip)
We now find ourselves on the planet's surface, which actually looked much more lush and green than before with enormous trees rising up and various foliage near the ground. It looked like paradise, though there was the odd ruined building sticking out of the ground, a rusted out car full of weeds and so on that gave a hint of what had come before.
A little bit aways though showed an old city worn away, but looked like they had fires inside the various levels of them. It was a strange mix, with rope bridges connecting the skyscrapers and tall buildings to each other, and a few even had some wires connecting them. The only thing stranger than the buildings and their modifications was the people in them.
"Get back here you stupid pig!" Shouted a figure as they chased after a massive hog through the abandoned streets. "Damn it, how did you break out of the trap?!"
"Lead him over here!" Called a figure who had the head of a lion as she licked her lips as she held up a massive spear. "Here piggy piggy piggy!"
The hog let out a squeal of fear before going to the right.
"No! Get back here!" She roared as she took after the hog, dashing past a group of people working on a portable generator.
"Ok, I think I got it this time."
"You said that before, and the time before that, and the time before that, and-"
"I know! But this time I actually got the parts from my uncle Hephestus to actually fix this thing so it's not 70% rust, hell he practically offered to build me a nuclear power plant. He went on about how the worst thing of the extinction was the loss of technology." Said the guy with a grin as flicked a switch. All of them saw it sputter and let out some smoke before it started going steady with numerous lights around them turning on.
"Yes! Now we don't have to connect everything to the bunker to get electricity!"
"And now we don't need to rely on fire just to get hot water! Thank the gods, I need a nice hot shower."
"Well it's gonna take some time before the boilers are completely warmed up."
"Yeah, but it's a step forward, let's go tell dad!"
"Nuh-uh, I wanna tell him!"
"No me!" She shouted as they began to fight as we cut to the hog, being cornered in an alley.
It looked around and back at the entrance where the lion faced girl was drooling.
"It's been so long since I had some nice, juicy ham~" She chuckled eagerly as she began to slowly approach it. "I might eat you raw instead of cooking you, my belly is ACHING for you to slide inside~"
"O-Oink!" it cried out in fear as it looked around desperately.
"Now get in my BELLY!" She roared before lunging, only for the hog to duck, making her hit the wall face first as it scrambled off. "NO! DAMN IT!" She shouted as she took off after it.
"Arkia! Where are you?" Called a familiar voice as she stopped and groaned.
"Not now dad!" She picked up her spear. "I've got a juicy pig to catch!"
"Come on, your mother wants to talk to you, also be careful with hunting animals, apparently Zeus got mad and cursed someone and he refuses to tell us who it was and what they are now."
"Ugh! Are you kidding me? I was so close to carving out it's fat hide!" She groaned as she stomped on the ground in anger. "I wanted the pig! I wanted it, I wanted it, I wanted it!"
"Honey, take a deep breath, don't throw another tantrum, ok?" Called Dave as he came out of one of the nearby buildings. This time he was shown wearing the same clothes, albeit a little tattered with a small beard.
"But daaaaad!"
"No buts, and if you can't calm yourself do I have to arrange more anger management lessons with Demeter?"
"NO! She just makes me eat plain cereal all day!"
"Then take a deep breath, relax, and come with me."
"Ugh, FIIIINE. What does mom want anyway? Did you knock her up again?" She huffed as she walked over with a pout. "If you did, you should have told me, I could have found an even bigger pig for a celebration feast."
"No, I'm afraid it's that time of the month, it's time to worship her." He sighed as she let out a groan.
"UGH, does this mean we have to cover ourselves in ketchup and let her 'kill us'?"
"No, this time we're gonna worship her by...well…."
"No...no no no no! I am NOT going to act like a newborn kitten!"
"Look, I'm sorry, but she wants this and you know how important it is to make sure we worship her, ok?"
"No, no, no! Uh-uh, no way!" She shook her head and walked away from him. "You can if you want, but last time is the last! I still get teased by it."
"There's no need to feel embarrassed, you did that all the time when you were just born." He said as she let out a hiss.
"Yeah, when I was a newborn! Why can't you just knock her up so you can have a new brat suffer instead of me?!"
"Hey!" He raised his voice with a frown. "No matter how many siblings you have, all of you are important to me. None of you are brats, just young and have room to grow and become wiser."
"Oh yeah, and then we'll ALL have people worship us." She remarked sarcastically.
"Well, no, but… look, we don't have time for this, ok? Your mother is waiting for us back home, I got her to agree to do it in a more private place than last time, ok?"
"Oh gee, thanks, it's not like anyone will be able to guess what the great and mighty Sekhmet is doing!"
"You can either come with nicely, or I ask the others to lend a hand, and then you'll have a full crowd watching, your choice." He said as she let out a groan.
"Ughhhh… fine, but it'll cost you!"
"Good." He smiled before they started walking down a path, numerous large shrines and paths jutting off with large symbols around that were of different origin and meaning. "I knew you'd come around."
"Like I had a choice.' She muttered with a pout. "I want to sleep in the bed for a week AND get to use the hot shower."
"As long as your sisters don't hog them that is."
"Hey, it's your fault there's only one real bed in the whole world right now and one good shower!" She growled. "I am tired of hammocks, cots and bags stuffed with grass and hay!"
"Given how the others had to use those long before I was even a thought, this is pretty luxurious."
"Damn straight it is! And once we figure out how to make them you can bet your ass that we're going to make enough for everyone!"
Eventually they reached a stone statue of a cat with Bast herself laying on her stomach and napping beside it.
"Hey Bast, is she in there?" Dave asked as the cat goddess groaned.
"Yeah, yeah…. Once you're done come see me, I could use a cuddle buddy…" She mumbled with her eyes closed.
"Sure thing." He nodded before moving over to the statue with an opening below it, with them heading on inside.
"Let's get this over with…."