List of oneshots part 4
chapter 56
An actor has to try and get over his fear of snakes.
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"ARE YOU CRAZY!?" An actor shouted at his agent.
"Hey now, no need to get riled up. It's not that big a deal."
"Max! This contract says I cannot quit the movie!" Said the actor with brown spikey hair, blue eyes, a big nose, white jacket, black shirt and blue pants with green zig zags all over it.
"What's the big deal Lance? You're gonna be working with Diego B. De Leon. The most famous Naga in the world."
"I am afraid of snakes! I had that in my profile!" he yelled. "I can't stand the way they slither around! Or how they stare at you with those dead eyes! And they don't have arms! It's weird!"
"Sir, snakes are not that scary."
"Maybe for you, but I got a pet mongoose to protect me from regular snakes, I'm defenseless against these snake monster people!"
"Easy there, otherwise you'll get called racist for that. Or speciest. Courts are still lost on what the specific term is."
"What am I gonna do now Max? I can't request a cameo or background appearance. I'm Callum Fitzgerald, I'm an A-list! They'll give me the role of the important characters!"
"I suggest you find a way to get over your fear of snakes."
"And how the hell can I do that?!"
"I dunno, try getting a snake monster girlfriend!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! And I once had to do a commercial for men's speedos!"
"Just try sir, you might feel better."
"...fine, but if this doesn't work, you're fired!"
"It will...and when it does, give me a raise."
Later...
We see Callum nervously walking the streets. Lamias, Nagas, Gorgons, Echidnas, Apophises, Basilisks, Sea Serpents, all over the city, but he still was unsure.
"Ah! Slytherin graduate!" He shrieked before running.
"Jerk! Slytherin rules!" yelled the wizard stomping off with a frown.
As Callum kept running, that's when he hit a chinese dragon!
"That...hurt..." Said the angry woman in a deep voice.
"Oh god, I'm sorry, it was an honest mist-aaaaaaaaaaah!" He screamed as she breathed fire all over him!
With a huff, the chinese dragon stomped away leaving Callum face down on the ground.
"Yikes, are you okay?" Asked a woman who came to his aid.
"Just burning...and in pain."
"Well, how's about I help you up?"
"Thanks a lot."
Then when Callum got up...
"Whuh?"
"What's wrong?"
"A-are you a snake monster?"
"I'm more in the cryptid category, but yeah I am a snake. Name's Mai, I'm a tsuchinoko."
"Uhhhhhh." Callum shivered.
The Tsuchinoko girl in front of him wore a pink jacket and an orange skirt. Her blonde hair was actually dyed blonde, and she wore a pair of sunglasses, which was a shame because they hid her sapphire eyes.
"I know, I look weird. I'm fat and my tail is much smaller compared to my body, but I swear, I am a snake." She said. 'You know, now that I look at this guy...he's cute.'
'Don't freak out, don't freak out, don't freak out!'
"Hey, are you okay?"
"Uh..." He then looked away and tried backing away until the back of his head hit a street light! "Ow!"
"Oooh, that looked like it hurt."
"It did!"
"You okay?"
"Yeah...I'm just...not good with snakes..." he grumbled rubbing the spot. 'Well this turned out just peachy.'
"Oh, but maybe I could be a good start? I don't look like most snakes."
"Uh..." Then he ran away!
"Wait! Comeback!"
"Ugh, excuse my boss." Said Max who stepped out a dark alley!
"Ah! Who are you?"
"I'm Max, his agent, you mind helping him? He's gonna be doing a movie with Diego B. De Leon."
"Oh my god, I'm a big fan of that guy! Okay, if he's gonna work with him, then can I get Callum's phone number? I wanna help him since anything with Diego B. De Leon is a masterpiece!"
"Sure, no problem, but it won't happen unless his fear is completely taken care of."
"So, how do I help him?"
"I told him to look for a snake girlfriend."
"Really? Well, I liked how he looked when I saw him."
"Then there ya go." Then Max gave Mai, Callum's phone number. "Don't screw this up or else."
"Or what?"
"I might get fired." he grimaced before walking off. 'I do NOT need to go back to managing party clowns.'
Later we see Mai in her apartment. "Okay Mai, let's call the cute guy now, and ask him out on a date, I'll make him get over his fear of snakes."
With that she started calling in the number and held it to her ear.
Meanwhile...
"Unknown Caller?"
"It's Mai, the tsuchinoko girl you met earlier, she wants to help you with your fear of snakes." Said Max.
"I might deduct your pay for doing this without my permission." Then he answered the phone. "Hello?"
"Hello? It's me, Mai...I was wondering if you'd like to hang out tomorrow? I mean if you're not busy with acting."
He looked at Mark who waved him on to accept it, making him sigh. "Alright, how about...some coffee?"
"Okay, I know a nice place. But you better prepare yourself, I'm gonna glomp you!"
"What?"
"Bye!" Then she hung up.
He looked at the phone with confusion and a cold chill. "Glomp?"
"It's a very affectionate hug where the glomper jumps onto you!"
"That sounds like something an attacker would do!"
"It's an anime thing, you wouldn't understand!" Max suddenly snapped.
"Woah..." Said Callum, holding his hands up. 'Okay, I offended an otaku...'
"So just be happy you're getting something I never will!"
"Uh...sure...I doubt that girl could constrict me anyways, with a body like that..."
"Just try not to screw up the date."
"I'll try not to..."
The next day, Callum was at the coffee shop.
'Brace yourself Callum, brace yourself, she's hiding somewhere...' he thought, paranoid, glancing around quickly. 'She could jump out from anywhere!'
"Yahoo!" She shouted, jumping outta nowhere!
"Woah!" Callum jumped outta the way, but he could never have predicted what Mai did next!
She changed direction, doing a mid-air jump in his direction!
"What fresh hell!?"
"Tsuchinoko can double jump, bitch!" she grinned before he found himself glomped by her, the tail wrapping around his legs.
"Aieeeeeee!" He screamed in a high pitch before they made a loud thud on the floor! "Someone! Help!"
"Hahaha, Callum Fitzgerald got glomped by a fat snake girl." Said a fan who was obviously high.
"Duuude, I thought I was seeing things." remarked his high friend.
Callum tried struggling out.
"What are you doing? The more you struggle, the tighter a snake's grip is." She whispered in his ear in a seductive tone.
"L-Let go!"
"What's the magic word?"
"Shazam!"
"Wrong! But I love that superhero."
"Please, I don't wanna die!"
"Please, that's the one!" she smiled before getting off him, making him pant while looking pale. "Wow, are you that afraid of snakes?"
"Yes! I thought my life was in danger..." he muttered. 'I thought she was gonna swallow me up!'
"Order up, for a Ploop Ploop!" Said the guy at the counter. "Hey Ploop Ploop! Your decaf is ready!"
"Are...are you calling me Ploop Ploop?" Asked Mai.
"Yeah Ploop Ploop!"
"My name is Mai."
"What?" Then he checks the receipt. "Oh right...order up for a Mai!"
"Thanks...but why did you think my name was Ploop Ploop?"
"Sorry, when you start working at a coffee shop, your ability to spell correctly takes a nosedive off a cliff into lava."
'I can only imagine.'
"Anyways, please don't leave a bad review or shit talk us on social media."
"I will do just that actually."
"Dammit!" they cursed before walked away. 'I gotta get a new job.'
"So Callum, got any plans today or are we just hanging out here today?" Mai asked.
'I figured my fear would be cured already, so I didn't think that far ahead!' He thought. "Well since this is the first...date?"
"I'd call it a date since I'm with a hot guy."
'Dammit, stroking my ego...though tabloids do give me the number 3 spot consistently when it comes to hot male celebrities.' he thought. "Well...I was thinking we could go for...a nice movie after this."
"Ooh, a movie where I can show you my fangs in the dark?" She asked with bedroom eyes.
Seeing those fangs caused Callum to start running!
"Wait! Comeback!"
He didn't hear her...
"Dammit!" she cursed. "I didn't mean it literally!"
"What an idiot." Said Max, putting down his magazine.
"You were here?"
"Yep, I watched the whole time, and that man needs some serious help. So I have another plan to help him..."
Later that night...
"I can't believe I'm doing this..." said Calum. "...I can't believe I'm letting a snake into my house."
"You promised her a movie, didn't you?"
"Yeah, but I was thinking about the drive-in theater."
"Nah, I think it'd be more romantic if you 2 cuddled under the blanket."
"Don't you mean she constricts me under the blanket?" Callum deadpanned. "Also why are you here Max? Go home."
"Because SOMEONE needs to see if this works, and because I can help if possible."
"How about just getting me into a movie that has NOTHING to do with snakes!"
"No! I'm helping you get over your fears!" Max said. 'Also...I forgot to mention the very gratiutous gay scene that you and Diego will be engaging in but I will not tell him that...' He thought with a nervous sweatdrop.
"Fuuuuck!"
Then the doorbell rang.
"That must be her." He said getting the door. "Ah, good evening Mai."
"Hey Max, where's Callum?" Said Mai, dressed in her yellow PJ's and nightcap.
'Adorable.' Thought both guys.
'Wait, what the hell am I thinking!?' Thought Callum. 'She's a snake! A slimy, scaly, no leg creature!"
"Hi Callum!" She greeted before double jumping towards the couch!
"Oh crap!" Callum shouted. 'Why did my feet have to fall asleep at a time like this!?'
This led to her landing right on his lap.
"Ah! That's uncomfy pressure on my sleeping feet!"
"Oops, sorry about that!" she cried gently moving off the spot. She was now next him, with her tail on his lap and an arm around his shoulder. "So, what movie are we gonna see tonight?"
"My first movie, London Undun. I'm one of the 3 main characters that has to save London from cultists trying to summon a demon lord."
"Really?"
"Yep, and I'd like to tell you some things that happened behind scenes of it."
"Wait! I wanna wait till after it's over!"
"Okay..." he replied before starting the movie. 'Hope she likes the movie, it got a consistent 80%...'
Later during a scene of the movie between Callum's character and his love interest...
"Sorry Ben, but..."
"Oh crap, she's gonna reject you after all they've been through?" Said Mai.
"Shhhh."
"I just can't Ben, I'm dying in 3 days due to cancer...sorry I couldn't tell anyone. That's why after we end this battle tomorrow, I'll disappear...I don't wanna see the sad faces of my friends..."
'No wonder the movie started with her leaving the hospital.' Thought Mai.
"Then I'll be there in your final moments, no matter what."
"Fine, but once I'm dead, please return to protecting London as well as the rest of the world."
"I will..."
Then he paused the movie.
"Wha? Why did you pause it?"
"A love that was never meant to be, I'm strangely tight-casted for that role a whole lot."
"But I wanna see the ending!"
"Oh, I was gonna let you finish the movie, but I just wanted to get my 2 cents in." Then he resumed the movie.
'Guess he's always being cast as the bridesmaid and never the bride, sounds like a very important thing he wanted me to know if it meant pausing the movie. I bet he's predicting the movie he's gonna be in will give him another role just like the other's.'
And so the movie went on to show the man as he sat beside the girl until the very end.
"Alright, what a movie! I cried so much at the end there." Said Mai, hugging Callum.
"Whoa! Whoa! Don't constrict me!"
"But I'm not." she pouted. "I'm just hugging you."
"Don't hug me any tighter than this then...so I can trust you..."
"Ok."
"So, you liked the movie, but now for some sad behind the scenes stuff I'll say to you in confidence. Can you keep a secret?"
"Of course."
"One...I had feelings for that actress in real life but..."
"But what?"
"She already had a husband and 2 children."
"Ooooh, sorry to hear."
"Yep, and that's been what I was feeling with female actresses for my next 5 movies."
"Yeesh, you kept falling in love with women who were married with kids?"
"Aren't I pathetic for wanting what I can never have? Even when one of those actresses divorced her spouse, I had no right to play rebound." he looked away sadly. "Just goes to show, finding the right girl as an actor isn't easy."
"Well, what about fans?"
"Hell no, I'm not gonna date my fans."
"Why not?"
"Don't really have an interest in groupies."
"So you never ran into a group of cute ones?"
"Don't be mistaken there were a lot of cute girls but no, no to female fans. You don't know what their mentality is like. Sometimes fans give you brownies with sewing needles hidden inside at anime conventions."
"Oh...did that happen to you?"
"Nope, but it happened to 2 people I worked with in anime English dubs."
"Oh..."
"So yeah, not taking the chance with crazies."
"Well, guess you'll never find love unless you get over your fear of snakes and kiss me."
"Yeah I-wait what was that last part?"
"Well, I still think you're a hot guy."
"Thanks."
"And I guess I don't count as a fan of yours since I never knew about your movies until now."
"Well I guess that makes you one officially now."
"So I'm automatically disqualified from your heart now that I've seen one of your movies and loved it?" She said before moving in closer, her chest on his.
'Ah! This snake is getting too close!' he thought with a shiver. "T-T-Too close!"
"Seriously?"
"Look, it's not easy for me to get over it, not after what happened to me."
"What happened?"
"Uh..." He started.
"Well? I really want to help you Callum." As she got closer.
"Look, just get out of here, I don't wanna talk about it!" Then he got up from the couch and ran!
"Callum!"
Too late, he ran through some door and slammed it closed!
"Aww..."
"He may not be able to talk about it, but I certainly can." Said Max.
"What happened to him?"
"How long have you lived in this city?"
"2 years and a half, why?"
"Then you didn't see the fire that rocked this entire city 8 years ago..."
"A fire?"
"Yep, as Callum was fleeing the city, he tripped and ended up getting trampled by a horde of snakes, of which were right behind him!"
"Wait, snake snakes, or snake people?"
"Snake people, Nagas, Gorgons, Tatzelwurms, Lamias, sea serpents, Slytherin graduates, all present when they ran over him." he looked down. "Ever since then, he can't stand anything with a wriggling tail like those, let alone snake monsters."
"But that last one was just wizards who attended Hogwarts."
"It still counts in his mind."
"Well anyways, thanks for telling me what happened."
"Hopefully you can figure out an idea to get him to change."
"I will..." then she left the house.
The next day...
'7 weeks until we start filming and snakes still terrify me.' Callum thought as he cuddled his pet mongoose. "I wonder if I could get them to just rewrite the script to include a mongoose instead, what do you think boy?"
"Well I think you should let me eat her, the Japanese love eating tsuchinoko." Callum said as he pretended his mongoose could talk.
"Mmm, nah, that'd bring a bunch of controversy, and not the good kind either."
"Worth a try, but still, consider eating her if you won't let me eat her."
"Uh..."
"And I don't mean with soy sauce, unless that's a kink you wanna try out."
"..." He said nothing while slowly moving his head left and right. 'I need more friends...'
Later...Callum finds himself at an abandoned bull arena...
"Uh...hello? Mai? The coordinates you sent me told me to come here...is this a trap?"
"No..." Said Mai from an undisclosed location.
"What's going on then?"
"I just realized that if someone can kick thier fear's ass, then they can get over their fear, that's why..." Then Mai and someone else emerged from a hiding place. "Me and famous actor Diego B. De Leon are gonna tag team you!"
"Hey, so you're my co-star as well as the male butthole I'm going to destroy on the silver screen?"
"Wait...what did you just say?" Callum said, very worried and with a high pitched voice.
"The guy I'm supposed to beat in the movie."
"Oh...that's what you meant..."
'Heh heh heh, he doesn't know. I can imagine his surprise when he figures out we're gonna have a sex scene in the movie where he's my bitch.'
"So Callum, if you can kick our asses then you've faced your fears and conquered them." Said Mai.
"You want me to really fight you?"
"Does this answer your question hombre?" Asked Diego as he swung his tail at Callum!
"Yipe!" He shouted before backing up. 'Fuck they're serious! Okay Callum, remember everything those fight choreographers and martial artists taught you when rehearsing for a film.'
"If you don't defend yourself you'll get hurt!"
"Okay...okay...I'll take you both on! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"You think you can beat us mang?" Said Diego before spreading his wings. "I'm a winged serpent and Mai here can double jump, we're snakes who have aerial mobility."
"I admit, the odds are very stacked against me and I might pee myself during the fight..." He muttered. "But I'm not going out like a bitch!"
He ran up to Mai and tried to strike her and she dodged by jumping back and then used her double jump to go forward to try and tackle him, but Callum jumped also to try and tackle her, it didn't work and both ended up slamming foreheads together! "OW!"
Then Callum switched targets to Diego. Diego started flying while also using his tail to try and strike Callum but he jumped over the tail, ducked under the tail and side stepped!
"So why are you here Diego?"
"Me and the senorita here just so happen to be friends back in college."
"You 2 knew each other in college?"
"All the way back in freshman year."
"Yeah! I also supported him in reaching his goals." Said Mai.
'I had nobody like that in college...I feel so...jealous...' he thought, only to get a tail wrapped around his neck.
"Great job holding him down." That's when Mai pulled Callum's pants down, exposing his boxers. Blue with pictures of gorillas. "Wow, gorilla fan?"
"Shut up! Gorillas can tear anacondas apart!" He choked out before tickling Diego's tail to make him let go!
"Hahaha, hey!"
Callum quickly put his pants back on and then spin kicked Mai in the head!
"Ow!"
"Phew, I didn't need wires for that!"
"Hey! You don't hit a lady like that hombre!" Diego flew at Callum!
'Okay Callum, remember that Martial Arts movie you did, spin twirl arms around all cool and slow, then..." Then he thrusted both palms striking Diego in the chest! This sent the male flying back and crashing onto Mai.
"Argh...wicked strike..." groaned Diego
"Wait...are you both...down for the count?"
"Hang on, I'm-ow! Yes, I'm down." Mai Admitted.
"You're the first man to actually make me feel pain, amigo." Said Deigo. "No one's ever pierced my scales, reinforced by my muscular pecs."
"Thanks...I think?"
"But more importantly, you did it Callum, you faced your fears and beat 2 snake people at the same time." Mai slowly got up. "Yeesh, gonna feel that boot to the head tomorrow."
"Huh, yeah...I guess I did." he muttered looking at his hands. "I feel lighter, like a huge weight has been lifted."
"And now that you've faced your fears..."
"I'm ready for my next movie role!"
"Yeah!"
"And also, time to reward you with something that you were asking for!" He then grabbed Mai.
Mai blushed, knowing what Callum was talking about. The next thing she knew, he pressed their lips together without hesitating. She happily slid her forked tongue into his mouth as the kiss got deeper!
'Heh, heh, heh, our college buddies were right, Mai would get a celebrity as a boyfriend, but not me.' Thought Diego as he crawled away. 'My work here is done.'
Weeks later, Callum confidently walked into the set and killed it in all of his scenes.
"Wait, what's this about Diego fucking me in the butthole!?"
"Did you not read the script?" Asked the Director. "Action!"
"MAAAAAAAAX!" Shouted Callum as Diego grabbed his ass.