CHAPTER 3

A short time later, after changing into clean jeans and a red long-sleeved top, I was headed to Jake's. The sky was overcast and gloomy, like most days in Forks, but it didn't stop the excitement that curled in my belly at the thought of seeing him again. Would he hold me again… kiss me? It was all so new and strange to think about how much had changed since just this morning. I hoped there wouldn't be any awkwardness between us.

Then I remembered I still needed to tell him about the voices, and I began to get nervous, my mood shifting to match the weather a bit more. What if he couldn't handle it. The thought of losing Jake now was unfathomable and it scared me. It would destroy me. No, I couldn't think like that. I told myself that he loved me and accepted every other crazy thing about me, so why would this push him away? But I still doubted.

By the time I pulled up in front of Jake's house I was a bit of a mess. Excited to see him, but unsure about how to act and nervous about what his reaction to my confessions would be.

Jake ran outside when he heard my truck and pulled my door open as soon as I put it in park. My cheeks heated, feeling suddenly shy as I swung my legs around to get out, but he pulled me into his arms and the shyness vanished. This was right where I'd been longing to be again since this morning, and it felt completely natural.

"I missed you Bella," Jake breathed, relief evident in his voice.

"Me too," I said, feeling just as relieved as he sounded.

"Sorry I had to leave so quickly this morning."

"It's okay." I looked up at him and his nose was wrinkled.

I realized I probably still smelled like Alice. I smoothed my hand over my hair, as if I could wipe away the scent.

"Sorry. Maybe I should have showered before I came down."

I tried to step away, but he held me tight.

"It's alright Bells. It's not that bad and it'll probably fade in a little bit."

"How was the funeral?" I asked quietly.

He sighed, "It was sad, of course, but it was a nice service, and everything went well. Still hard to believe Harry is really gone."

He gently pushed my hair back. "This is something else that doesn't quite feel real." His fingertips brushed along my jaw and cheek, sending shivers of pleasure through me. "I'm afraid I'm going to wake up to find it was all a dream."

"Nope, not a dream."

I laid my head on his chest again and we just stood there holding each other for a while. I never wanted to leave again. I didn't feel complete when I wasn't with Jake.

He finally broke the silence. "Anything specific you want to do today? I'm free all day."

I swallowed hard, suddenly nervous again. "Jake, there's something I really need to tell you about… a sort of secret I've been keeping that may affect the way you feel about me."

"That's not possible," he replied, looking down at me lovingly. "Nothing can change the way I feel about you Bella."

"Well, I still need to tell you. It won't be fair if you don't know everything."

He studied my face for a few moments before nodding. "Okay, we can go inside to talk, my dad was heading over to the Clearwater's house so he should be gone for the rest of the afternoon."

I got settled on their small couch while Jake grabbed us some waters before joining me. I didn't say anything at first, listening to the sound of the clock ticking on the wall. When I finally spoke, I could hear the uncertainty in my voice.

"You may think that I've gone completely insane once you hear this… I won't blame you if you do… and you may be right. So, I'll understand if—"

"Bella, honey, just tell me. It can't be that bad."

I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms around my legs. He began rubbing my back, waiting quietly for me to continue. My heart was racing as I took a deep breath and began.

"Okay. Back before I came down to La Push with the motorcycles, when I first started to wake up out of my zombie state, I went to Port Angeles with a friend. While we were there, I put myself in a kind of risky position with some guys that were hanging out in front of a bar on a dark part of the street."

"What?!" Jake interrupted with a shocked and scolding tone, obviously not anything close to what he was expecting to hear.

I held up my hand to stop him before he could say more. I knew it would just get more unbelievable from there, but I powered ahead.

"I know, I know… don't ask me what I was thinking because honestly, I wasn't. I was waking up, but still very much lost." I stared down at the floor, unable to look at Jake. "So, I was standing there, in the middle of the street, just a few yards from a bunch of strange men, when I…" I paused, taking another deep breath, and then spewed out the rest in a rush, "when I heard Edward's voice in my head, crystal clear as if he was standing right next to me, telling me to stop, turn around, and not to do anything stupid."

I hadn't been able to look at Jake's face, but he had stopped rubbing my back and I noticed that his hands were both in his lap and they had started trembling slightly. That was not a good sign… I nervously looked over my shoulder at him. He was staring at me with a look of astonished dismay on his face. I didn't know if it was about my stupidity or about the voice…or maybe both.

He didn't say anything, and looked away from me, jaw clenched and hands balled into fists. I looked away too, but I just needed to get this out, so I decided to continue, keeping an eye on his trembling hands. "And that wasn't the only time I have heard his voice. Any time I am in danger or doing something stupid or reckless I hear it." Jake leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees, head bowed, and I saw the tremors starting to go further up his arms, so I continued, trying to get it out quickly. "I think it's my subconscious trying to warn me, or help me, when I'm in trouble, or potential trouble. It just happens to use Edward's voice to communicate with me."

"When all has this happened?" he asked quietly, and his voice was calmer than I expected… reminding me of Sam again. It didn't bother me as much this time for some reason.

I swallowed hard and spoke quietly. "Besides that first time, I heard it when I was in the meadow with Laurent, the first few times learning to ride my motorcycle, when I jumped off the cliff…" I paused before saying the final one, "and then a few times when I was close to you and you were mad, after your change, Edward's voice warned me not to get you too upset. I didn't understand that one until later and it only happened the first two or three times I was near you when you were upset."

Suddenly Jake was off the couch and pacing. The trembling now went up both arms and into his shoulders. Tears began to prick at my eyes as I started to worry that this was going to be too much. He wasn't going to be able to deal with this level of insanity and I was going to lose him after all.

He paused his pacing and faced me, his fists moving to press against his temples. "Is that why you wanted me to fix up the motorcycles? So that you could hear his voice?" he asked, struggling more to control his anger.

I could barely speak now. "No, I hadn't figured out yet what caused me to hear his voice. I wanted to ride the motorcycle so that I could break a promise that I had made to him. On the day he left, he made me promise him that I wouldn't do anything reckless or stupid. In turn, he also promised me that after he left, it would be like he had never existed. He had broken his promise, so I wanted to break mine." I was having trouble breathing and I realized that there was a new hole threatening to rip through me, one that only Jake could cause this time. I refused to acknowledge it… this couldn't be the end when we were so close to being together.

The tremors had gotten worse, and I couldn't tell where they stopped anymore. Jake had started pacing again while I talked, and he wasn't saying anything. I wanted to go to him, to try to calm him down, but I was afraid I might make things worse at this point, so I stayed put.

The tears started to run down my face again as I considered how close I might be to losing him, still trying to ignore the new ache in my chest. When I spoke, my voice was barely above a whisper. "Jake, please calm down. I'm so sorry that I have hurt you, or if I made you feel like I was using you, but it isn't like that at all. I mean, that very first day, I guess it was a little like that, but just in the sense that I was asking my friend to do me a favor to help me feel better. After that it was just me wanting to spend time with you because it was you. It wouldn't have mattered what we were doing…the other things were secondary to that.

Jacob suddenly stopped pacing, looking at me in surprise, and the tremors seemed to be easing. "Using me? Bella, I don't think that." There was a hard edge to his voice. "That's not why I'm upset. I'm just so mad that bloodsucker ever had that strong of a hold on you. Making promises there was no way he could keep, causing you to do all of these dangerous and risky things and think you'd gone crazy."

His voice calmed a little and he looked at me, pain in his eyes. "I remember how you looked that first day when you came down here. Your eyes were so empty, no color in your face, and you just looked so lost…a ghost of a person. It broke my heart… every time I see you in pain it breaks my heart. It was weeks before you even started to look human again. I've also seen Sam's memory of the night he found you in the woods. It kills me to think of what that bloodsucker did to you and all the pain you have suffered, and are still enduring, because of it. I won't hold it against you that you were trying to find any way you could to help yourself feel better.

"I guess I'm a little jealous too," he sighed, "knowing that you've been seeking out his voice for comfort, but I don't blame you for that either. You've been grieving, and this was how your mind decided to cope." He shrugged, as if it were no big deal, "It's not your fault this has been happening."

My chest immediately relaxed and began to swell again with my love for him as I wondered how he could be so understanding. I did not deserve him.

"Until the day I jumped, I had not sought out any danger in weeks, because just being with you had been enough… more than enough really. The only reason I sought it out then was because I was going crazy with worry for your safety and needed something to comfort me. I think because we've had to be apart so much lately that it just became too much to bear; being apart from you, AND worrying about you all the time, I couldn't handle it."

He suddenly strode back to the couch and pulled me into his lap, wrapping his arms tight around me, my head tucked against his neck. "I'm sorry I've had to be away from you so much lately, and that it's been making things harder for you. I wish we could just catch that redheaded leech so our lives could get back to normal… or whatever normal is going to look like now," he snorted and shook his head.

I looked up at him. "So, you're not mad at me? You don't really have an issue with the fact that I hear his voice? You don't think I'm insane and need to be institutionalized?"

"Well," he began with a crooked grin, "I know that you're crazy… I've known that for a while." He chuckled lightly. "I mean you'd have to be at least a little crazy to be okay with all the weirdness that's in your life!"

I couldn't argue with him there.

"I do not, however, think you need to be locked away in a looney bin, and I am definitely not mad at you. Nothing that has happened to you has been your fault." Jake stroked my hair.

I laid my head against his shoulder. "I'm actually thankful for the crazy, in some ways, because that's what brought me to you… brought us together. I absolutely cannot fathom my life without you now Jacob. Ever since that first night, after spending the day with you in your garage, that was the first time since Edward had left that I didn't have a nightmare or dream at all. Just your presence after one day affected me in such a powerful and positive way. His voice may have been a comfort to me, but it's your love that has healed me."

"You were having nightmares?" he asked quietly, sadness in his voice.

I closed my eyes, "There are many nights that I still do," I whispered. "Whenever I don't, it is always somehow directly related to you. The other day, sleeping here on your couch with you on the floor right next to me, I had totally normal dreams… my dreams are never normal. It was like your breathing was a lullaby, soothing me into a peaceful sleep."

Jacob moved so that he could look at me again, and he had a strange questioning look on his face. "You said my love healed you… and you aren't responding to his name like you usually do, like you are in pain…"

I understood what Jacob was wondering and I nodded. "Yes Jake, your love, or my love for you, whichever, has healed my heart. The pain is gone… my heart is complete again… as if it never were broken in the first place. I don't really understand it, but I am so thankful."

Jake's eyes filled with relief, and he smiled at me tenderly. "I am so relieved for you Bella. It has been tearing me up inside knowing how hard everything has been for you. Just promise me something please," he said quietly.

"Anything."

"Please continue to be honest with me and tell me when you're feeling overwhelmed by my absences or anything else… or if you hear his voice again. It doesn't matter, I just always want to know if you are hurting, whatever the reason is."

"I promise," I replied, gazing into his eyes, wondering how I got so lucky.

Jake smiled down at me. His fingers brushed against my cheek as he bent down to place a brief, tender kiss to my lips, then rubbed his nose against mine.

After looking at me for a moment, he sat up a little straighter and breathed in deeply. "So, what do we want to do now?"

"I don't know. I hadn't really thought past that conversation because I wasn't sure how it was going to go."

Jake barked out a short laugh. "It definitely wasn't what I was expecting you to tell me!"

"Well, do you have any ideas for something to do?"

Jake looked thoughtfully out the window. "Oh, look, I think the sun has come out."

We went outside and sure enough, the clouds had cleared, and the sun was shining bright.

"Hey, do you want to go for a drive?" Jake asked.

"Yeah, a drive sounds nice."

"Let's take my car… not so noisy," he grinned at me.

I rolled my eyes at him but didn't argue. We headed for his garage where his Charger was waiting. I was so relieved to have that discussion behind us and excited to just get to spend some time together.