List of oneshots part 4
chapter 65
What if Bentley helped show an idea on what the females of the Cooper Clan were like?
Series: Sly Cooper
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In a dark and dimly lit room is where a turtle in a wheelchair wheeled himself in, bringing a strange device with him on wheels before he clapped, making all the lights turn on as he turned to the audience.
"Hello there, sorry for the wait, but I had to make sure I had everything. My name is Bentley, and I'll bet you're wondering why you're here." He said to a camera that was recording him. "Well I've decided that you've no doubt seen my pal Sly and his ancestors in action, but I'll bet you're wondering about the females that helped make the Cooper clan become what it is today." He said. "Well unfortunately we never got entries on the Cooper Spouses. We only got entries on Cooper born and bred. Though it'll be great to speculate on whom these great thieves married."
With that he hit a button before the device lit up and created a hologram.
"Thankfully after several calculations and theories, we can see what they might have been and hopefully come to a clear conclusion." But before he pressed more buttons and keys, he had to address the elephant in the room. "And before you say anything, yes I have a time machine, but I will not use it to figure out about the Cooper Spouses, I'm busy looking for the current Cooper who's gone missing through time."
With that out of the way, he hit one more before the hologram started showing off Bob Cooper with his cane currently lugging a dino egg. "And who better to get things started than the very first Cooper. Given how I have no name of him, we'll go with a simple one and refer to him as Bob."
"*gibberish.*" Bob said as he was walking into his hut.
"Considering Coopers needed more slender bodies for sneaking, I imagine Bob may have married an American Cheetah. To you non-paleontologists, yes, fossils of cheetahs were found in America." he tried to explain. he tried to explain. "Without something slimmer and quick, the Cooper clan would have wound up with a possibly bigger build, perhaps one not good for stealing." Then Bentley pressed a button showing off Bob's possible mate. A cheetah with a crudely made outfit that resembled a one piece swimsuit.
Bob turned to the cat, jaw dropping open and eyes turning into hearts before running over to present the egg.
She purred before taking the egg and kissing Bob on the cheek.
Bob tingled before jumping into the air and shouting "Yabba-dabba-doo!"
"Of course I doubt his prehistoric mind would come up with that in real life, I just thought it would be goofy and amusing." He then chuckled to himself. "Next up is the man behind the Thievius Raccoonus, Slytunkhamen Cooper the first." Said Bentley, pressing a button again showing said Cooper wielding his 2 canes. "Now given the humidity of the area he resided in, along with certain species able to live there without issue, I believe that he came to be with a cat, given how back in those days, cats were held in high regard, some even considered higher beings." Then he pressed some buttons revealing Ankha. "Oops, excuse me, I was playing Animal Crossing, here's what I think his actual wife looked like."
Then we see a black cat in a flashy and expensive looking dress, and jewelery.
"Yes, I have her in a flashy dress because I theorize that he must've been able to afford to buy her that, considering that Slytunkhamen invented the invisibility technique."
Said Cooper looked at the cat as she walked by, with him smiling and bowing his head, much to her amusement.
"Given his position, it makes sense if he offered up gift after gift, more likely expensive than the last one. With all the money that Slytunkhamen spent, I betcha Mansa Musa wasn't the only one responsible for Egypt's economic crash." Then he laughed at his own joke.
All he got was complete and utter silence, not even a cricket wanted in on this.
"Anyways, after Slytunkhamen and his wife were wed, they were blessed with a son. Slytunkhamen Cooper the Second. This Cooper was the one who started the Cooper Vault. A vault filled with extraordinary riches stored by generations of Coopers. But sadly after we had to pry all that loot away from some greedy mandrill, the Cooper Vault collapsed and all those gems and gold, lost to time."
The hologram shifted into another male raccoon, similar to Slytunkhamen, but slightly skinnier and younger in appearance.
"I theorize Slytunkhamen the Second married an animal that was also depicted as a god, such as the Jackal, which was depicted as Anubis." Then Bentley pressed a button revealing a jackal in a revealing dress. "Now you may be wondering, why would he marry a jackal? Isn't Anubis the god of death? Well listen, I've been on field helping Sly Cooper steal stuff for years and in those missions, we've racked up a body count, so I'd assume killing tons of people is just synonymous with the Cooper Clan."
The jackal stood tall as Slytunkhamen the Second took her hand and kissed it, making her nod with a smile.
"Although, I do wonder, why does the vault start with him and not his father...perhaps his father had a run-in with Clockwork? That's just a theory I have." he muttered before hitting the button as the hologram changed again. "Next up, Salim Al-Kupar from Arabia, he was in fact part of the infamous 40 Thieves in his youth. Unfortunately I didn't meet him in his youth, I met him as some cranky gramps."
Then we see Salim, wielding his cane.
"He was great at slowing down time in sticky situations, leading to him and the thieves accumulating quite the amount of riches." He started. "Although as an old geezer he sure complains about climbing, even though he invented the Climbing Cobra technique which helped him rocket up poles."
The hologram showed the Cooper trying to climb, only to slip and fall off, groaning and holding his back. Then he got back on that pole and got the top in an instant!
"Impressive work, not sure why that isn't in the Thievius Raccoonus." Then Bentley pressed some more buttons. "When it comes to climbing I can only assume Salim would ironically marry a Leopard."
A slim leopard dressed in harem pants, matching top, and a veil over her mouth appeared next to him, her legs showing off since these pants were less baggy than usual ones.
"I bet she regretted marrying him because of how much of a lounge lizard he was, and I bet she'd nag about his snack vendor job too since he can just lounge on the go while selling food to the people."
Then we see Salim lounging on a camel, giving snacks to people and they give him money, with his wife in the background rolling her eyes.
"Still though, with her long legs and energy, this no doubt helped influence their descendants. Being a clan of thieves kinda needs those." He said before pressing some more buttons and showing the next Cooper. "Next is Sir Galleth Cooper of Medieval England. I've met this guy, he's got the energy for stage plays, I wonder how he'd do acting in Les Miserables."
The hologram shifted to the knight who struck a heroic pose with his cane raised over his head.
"What a loose cannon this guy was when we were planning on how to beat the Black Knight. So, you must be wondering, what wonderful maiden would Sir Galleth take into bed? Well I assume it had to have been someone who could put an immediate stop to his brash decisions, such as his horse."
Beside him showed a horse of equal height, but had a saddle on while tugging the back of his armor.
"Huh?"
The horse wife was shaking her head no as Sir Galleth turned his head.
"But I-"
Then she dragged him away for sex...but first had to help her with the chores, then sex.
"So yeah this guy founded a band of knights called the Cooper Order, even creating a technique called Catapult Crash, where he launches himself upwards smashing stuff in the process. Who would've thought this guy would be the knight who fucks his noble steed." he shook his head. "If that doesn't seem ironic, I don't know what is."
Then the holograms shifted to show the next Cooper.
"Next, we got Slaigh MacCooper, with the alternate spelling Släi MacCooper of Celtic Scotland. Look at how huge this guy was, he obviously inherited that size from Bob Cooper."
Now we see a hologram of Slaigh wielding a gigantic and thick cane. He let out a roar and swung it several times while lifting up a boulder.
"With one strike, Slaigh can smash locks with his brute strength!"
Then we see Slaigh smash a lock and then steal the diamond inside!
"It sounds impossible, but Slaigh despite his size, invented the technique that allows Coopers to sidle across narrow ledges on walls."
Said Cooper slid down the top of a narrow tone wall, laughing as various guards chased after him, but couldn't catch up.
"My theory is he mastered his center of gravity, keeping himself from falling over, along with gravity exerted over his large frame." He explained. "Yes, the large bodies don't hinder the Coopers as much anymore, but it's still best to have a regular slim down body. So Slaigh's wife had to have been a wee lass."
A smaller and petite figure appeared beside him, a Pine Marten mind you, wearing a kilt with a sash going over her shoulder, but no shirt. That's when a squirrel walked by and Slaigh's wife tore it's jugular out!
"Uh...sorry about the graphic imagery… remarked Bentley as Slaigh himself stared before bursting out laughing. Then Bentley started typing again for the next Cooper. "Next we have Rioichi Cooper, of feudal Japan. What an innovator. He invented sushi, he invented the spire jump technique, and had his very own Leaping Dragon technique."
The hologram showed said Cooper cutting up fish before putting it together in fresh sushi rolls with expert ease.
"What a great cover, selling sushi by day, and then just straight up robbing everyone of their cash after hours."
The hologram changed to show him running across rooftops with a bag over his shoulder.
"Now who would Rioichi be married to? Well, it just has to be someone as cool as him." He said before showing a Hokkaido Wolf. "This species of wolf may be extinct today, but I bet Rioichi got to make love to one beforehand."
Said wolf gave a seductive look at Roichi while wearing a loose kimono with a short skirt that showed off her legs.
Rioichi then picked her up, bride style and then ran off!
"I can only guess how passionate they felt, given how healthy fish is for the body after all." He said as the hologram of the sushi restaurant was shaking! "But we best move on before this gets a bit...raunchy."
He then pressed some more buttons.
"Next up is Henriette "One Eye" Cooper, the lady pirate. You know, during our adventures with Salim, we did find the treasure that she would one day steal."
said pirate was shown swinging from a ship mast, avoiding several swords swinging at her.
"Lemme just say this, I love that the family cane is her hook hand."
She ducked a swipe and used said hook to parry another blade before winking at the combatant and kicked him away.
"Now who could've banged such a great woman? Could it have been a parrot, shark, monkey or even an octopus? Well, I'm not sure, I theorize she got drunk during her retirement party and got gangbanged by all of them."
Henrietta let out a cheer as she was surrounded by various species of her crew, all the while slipping her clothes off. That's when her crew were all grabbing her! "Time for the next Cooper!"
Bentley quickly changed the hologram with a blush on his face. "Now here's a good one, Tennessee "Kid" Cooper, of the wild west!"
Said Cooper was shown running across a train with his bag of loot.
"The inventor of the rail slide, one of the quickest draws ever, and look at all the loot he can carry on his back."
That's when he saw 5 enemies getting their guns out.
"And now for Tennessee's crack shot, there he jams the gun up his ass crack and- don't worry, I'm kidding, but I gotcha didn't I?"
Tennessee took aim and let out numerous shots at once, disarming the enemies
"You may be wondering what happened there. Well, with Coopers that can slow down time, Tennessee worked that technique into his Crack Shot!" He explained. "Invisibility and time manipulation, makes you wonder if the Coopers are actually the descendents of gods."
Now we see Tennessee walking into a Saloon.
"I theorize he may have found a classy girl in the one place where you could unwind from the usual west issues."
And now we see him flirting with a hare. Said rabbit had her ears lowered behind her head and wearing a saloon girl outfit, both of them sitting at the bar.
"Oh look, there's me, right next to them, serving sarsparilla to those steers."
A third hologram showed Bentley wearing a fake mustache serving drinks at the bar.
"Oh that magnificent stache I had during our adventures with Tennessee, never gonna forget it." He admired the fake mustache for a few more seconds before focusing back on Tennessee and his supposed wife. "Anyways, I suspect at least one Cooper got with those sexy bunny girls."
Said hare rubbed the Cooper's cheek with him tipping his hat to her.
"What a cute couple."
That's when said hare grabbed Kid by the face and started making out with him right on the spot.
"Uh oh, before this Saloon turns into a tavern, let's go to the next Cooper."
Then we see Victorian Era London.
"Thaddeus Winslow Cooper the third. A gentleman thief, he's also the reason the Coopers are masters of disguise." Bentley explained. "I bet I know where Maurice Leblanc found his inspiration to write the Arsene Lupin novels."
Said gentleman walked down the street, tipping his hat to others as he passed.
"Look at this guy, so debonair. You know, Sly disguised himself as Thaddeus once so we can steal some delicious chocolate."
The Cooper himself soon found himself at a fancy club, given the various fancy carriages parked outside.
"According to the Thievius Raccoonus he was active in 1839 and 1893. If both dates are to be believed, he had the longest career when he came out of retirement later in 1893, but that's not the point I'm trying to get across. Tennessee "Kid" Cooper was active during the 1880's. So he might be Tennessee's father." Bentley explained. "Kind of awkward given the vast difference in cultures between aristocratic gentlemen and cowboys."
Regardless, we do see a young Tennessee hugging Thaddeus.
"So, who would a high class Cooper like Thaddeus marry? Probably a poodle, given a lot of them were of high class as well back in the day."
Thaddeus held the hand of a grey coated poodle who was dressed in a puffy dress with a fan hiding half her face.
"According to sly, Thaddeus built a functioning helicopter, which I question how, considering history's first helicopter wouldn't come till 1939."
Then we see Thaddeus and his family all flying around in his helicopter, baring the Cooper family crest.
"My theory stems on him having some high friends with deep pockets." Then Bentley started typing again showing the next Cooper. "Next is Otto Van Cooper. The Thievius Raccoonus doesn't say where he's from but I assume Germany."
Said Cooper smiled as he stood beside his own plane, giving a thumbs up.
"Being physically weaker than the other Coopers, he had to rely on machinery for his thieving."
Otto flew his plane through the air while carrying a bag attached to a rope under it, numerous old style cars chasing after, and not reaching the laughing pilot.
"But I wonder if his weaker body gave him difficulty at home, I bet he would need a strong wife to help him."
A hologram of a tall badger wearing a loose muscle shirt with suspenders was seen lifting plane parts in what looked like the hangar.
"It's creative how Otto's cane is the propellers of his plane."
Said pilot grunted as he tried to lift a new engine in the plane, only for the badger to easily lift it for him. Otto smiled before his wife kissed his cheek.
"And now for the last Cooper that we'll be talking about during my lecture." Then with some button presses. "But first some honorable mentions, there's lots more Coopers, but they didn't do much of note."
He pushed a button before several holograms of several Coopers appeared side by side in a line up.
"Slytunkhamen Cooper the third, ouch can't strike gold a third time, huh? Drake Cooper, Sally Cooper who also went by Old Sally, Dev Cooperinda, Chris Cooper, Karin Coopergiwa-oh hey, I've got her coin magnet right here. B. F. Cooper, Suzanne Cooper, thanks for the swimming lessons in the Thievius Raccoonus. Sir Andrew Cooper, Kelle McCooper, Bruce O'Coop, Matthew de la Coopeur, Huckleberry Cooper...*snicker*...sorry, that's a funny name, anyways...Sir Augustine of Cooper, Colonel Reid Cooper, Caroline Cooper, Hokyo Coo-poh...what an alternative spelling to the family name, Darrell de la Coopeur, and finally Leo Cooper, who was chased by surprisingly enough Carmelita's ancestor Almalita. And now for Conner Cooper, the late father of my good friend Sly Cooper."
The hologram changed to Sly's father, holding his pipe, and smiling at the viewers.
"He's famous for stealing the world's largest diamond and with cunning swiftness too because some rival was planning on stealing the diamond and framing Conner."
We see a hologram of Cyril Le Paradox's father being thrown into a police car, meanwhile Connor, along with his gang Jim McSweeney and Dr. M were happily chuckling as they carried off their reward.
"Poor Connor though, he was murdered before he could write down the technique he invented into the Thievius Raccoonus." Bentley shook his head, the hologram censoring up slightly as the father fell, dropping his pipe alongside his wife. "At least Sly learned it when he was in the Cooper Vault, the ability to slide along lasers." He said leaving the grisly scene to something not horrifying. "Although, this isn't something I'd say to Sly, but given how his own mother bared quite the similar resemblance to Inspector Fox, I have a slight theory on him having a subtle Oedipus complex. You may be wondering how I could come to such a conclusion. Well, when Sly came to the orphanage, he had a portrait of his parents' silhouettes." Bentley remarked before pulling out said portrait with two silhouettes in it. "If you look closely, and are familiar with Carmelita, you'll notice familiar traits akin to a vixen. The sharp ears of a fox, the wavy hair of a fox, you see where I'm going with this? I hope Sly doesn't see this, but if he does, sorry but for some reason you won't tell me!"
Then the holograms stopped.
"That concludes my theories, not sure if you agree, but maybe you'll start theorizing too." he smiled. "I hope that got the ol' brain juices flowing, and I hope you all feel more intrigued in regards to the Cooper family line. Thank you for your time."