CHAPTER 10

We walked for several minutes in silence as the last of the daylight was fading around us. My mind was racing with what he could possibly be about to tell me that would make him so nervous. Finally, he spoke.

"So, to make this particular wolf thing easier to understand, it will probably be best if I tell you Sam and Emily's story. But it's a long story, and very… strange. I hope I can explain it right.

"Okay," I said, "I'm not in any hurry."

He paused, looking like he was collecting his thoughts again. Taking a deep breath, he began.

"So, you know that Sam was the first to phase. He had it so much harder than the rest of us, because he was the first, and he was alone, and he didn't have anyone to tell him what was happening. Sam's grandfather died before he was born, and his father has never been around. There was no one there to recognize the signs. The first time it happened—the first time he phased—he thought he'd gone insane. It took him two weeks to calm down enough to change back.

"This was before you came to Forks, so you wouldn't remember. Sam's mother and Leah Clearwater had the forest rangers searching for him, the police. People thought there had been an accident or something…"

"Leah?" I asked, surprised.

His voice changed, became heavier. "Yeah. Leah and Sam were high school sweethearts. They started dating when she was just a freshman. She was frantic when he disappeared."

"But he and Emily—"

"I'll get to that—it's part of the story," he said. He inhaled slowly, and then exhaled in a gust.

I supposed it was silly for me to imagine Sam had never loved anyone before Emily. Most people fall in and out of love many times in their lives. It was just that I'd seen Sam with Emily, and I couldn't imagine him with someone else. The way he looked at her… well, I realized it reminded me of the way Jacob looked at me sometimes, even before we kissed. This thought caused a warmth to flow through me and I looked lovingly at Jake as he continued.

"Sam came back," Jacob said, "but he wouldn't talk to anyone about where he'd been. Rumors flew—that he was up to no good, mostly. And then Sam happened to run in to Quil's grandfather one afternoon when Old Quil Ateara came to visit Mrs. Uley. Sam shook his hand. Old Quil just about had a stroke." Jacob paused to laugh.

"Because of the heat?" I asked.

"Yeah, Sam's hand felt like he'd left it sitting on a hot stovetop. So, Mr. Ateara went straight to the other elders. They were the only ones left who still knew, who remembered. Mr. Ateara, Billy, and Harry had actually seen their grandfathers make the change. When Old Quil told them, they met with Sam secretly and explained.

"It was easier when he understood—when he wasn't alone anymore. They knew he wouldn't be the only one affected by the Cullen's return, but no one else was old enough. So, Sam waited for the rest of us to join him…"

"Wait," I interrupted, "what do you mean 'affected by the Cullens return'?"

"Well, the werewolf gene is triggered when we are the right age, and we smell a vampire. Mine was probably triggered at your house actually—that's the first time I remember smelling them, though I didn't realize that was what I was smelling at the time. I thought something had spoiled in your kitchen." Jake laughed quietly.

"So that's what you meant the other day when you said you only exist because they exist. I didn't realize you meant that quite so literally."

"Yep, if they hadn't come here, there would be no werewolves," he paused to look at me longingly, "and you and I might have actually had a chance at a normal relationship… a normal life together."

"Normal," I said wistfully, "wonder what that would feel like…" Honestly, I longed to know what that would feel like, but we may never get to know.

"The Cullens had no idea, you know." I continued. "They didn't think werewolves still existed here. They didn't know coming here would change you."

"That may be, but it doesn't change the fact that it did. It makes it that much harder to accept them. If it wasn't for my relationship with you and our concern for your safety Bella, there is no way we would have compromised with one of them like we have."

My guilt for putting them in that situation flared up again. "I'm sorry Jake. For the change it caused in you all and for the compromise you were forced to make for me."

"Don't be ridiculous Bella. First of all, them being here and the effect that has on us has nothing to do with you and it's certainly not your fault! And second, it was our choice to make the arrangement… you just made the suggestion. And it was a good one. It's working out well so far. I don't know what state of mind I would be in if we hadn't been able to continue to watch over you… which would affect the whole pack."

"It's just that it wouldn't have been necessary if I hadn't insisted Alice stay. That doesn't upset you anymore?"

"Well, it isn't my favorite thing, but you came up with a way to make it work, and still see me… so you're forgiven." He shot me a teasing smile.

"Gee, thanks," I said, pushing him away with half-hearted effort, still holding onto his hand.

Jacob sighed, his face getting serious again, and continued with his story. "So, this is the really weird part."

"I'm a pro at weird."

"Yeah, I know." He grinned, but it didn't quite reach his eyes and faded quickly, replaced with a look of concern… he continued. "So, Sam knew what was going on, and everything was almost okay. In most ways, his life was back to, well, not normal. But better." Then Jacob's expression tightened, like something painful was coming. "Sam couldn't tell Leah. We aren't supposed to tell anyone who doesn't have to know… you know that. And it really wasn't safe for him to be around her—but he cheated, just like I did with you. Leah was furious that he wouldn't tell her what was going on—where he'd been, where he went at night, why he was always so exhausted—but they were working it out. They were trying. They really loved each other."

"Did she find out? Is that what happened?"

He shook his head. "No, that wasn't the problem. Her cousin, Emily Young, came down from the Makah reservation to visit her one weekend."

I gasped. "Emily is Leah's cousin?"

"Second cousins. They're close, though. They were like sisters when they were kids."

"That's… horrible. How could Sam…?" I trailed off, shaking my head, not wanting to believe Sam could be like that.

"Don't judge him just yet. You know Sam better now… he's not like that. Let me finish, okay?"

"Okay."

"Have you ever heard of imprinting?"

"Imprinting?" I repeated the unfamiliar word. "No. What's that mean?"

"It's one of those bizarre things we have to deal with. It doesn't happen to everyone. In fact, it's the rare exception, not the rule. Sam had heard all the stories by then, the stories we all used to think were legends. He'd heard of imprinting, but he never dreamed…"

"What is it, Jake?" I asked nervously… feeling like this was maybe the point of the whole story.

Jacob glanced at me, then looked far off into the distance. "Sam did love Leah. But when he saw Emily, that didn't matter anymore. Sometimes… we don't exactly know why… we find our soul mates that way."

"What way? I don't understand Jake. Like love at first sight or something?"

"No, it's more powerful than that… more absolute. This is another reason I was hesitant to tell you. It's so hard to explain." He paused for a minute, thoughtful. "It's more like… gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it's not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother."

I stopped walking and stared at Jake in disbelief. When he met my gaze with an anxious look in his eyes, I had to look away and stared at the ground instead.

"But you haven't… I mean you didn't… on me?"

"No," he said quietly, "you would have known if I did."

I was stunned to silence… so many different thoughts running through my head. But one came to the forefront of my mind and tears threatened to come at the thought.

"So," I started but had to pause, swallowing hard against the knot in my throat. I took a deep, shaky breath and tried again, my voice quiet and strained, my eyes staring blankly at the ground, seeing nothing. "So, someday you could possibly… imprint," I choked on the word, and it came out as a whisper, "on someone? And you would… leave me… like Sam left Leah." I could barely hear my own voice. I was fighting the tears… I didn't want them to come… I didn't want there be a reason for them to come… I didn't want to be right.

I could feel Jake's eyes on me, though I continued with my unfocused stare toward the ground; I couldn't focus my eyes on anything… focus would bring clarity and I didn't want to understand… this couldn't be right.

He spoke quietly, his voice also strained. "It's unlikely, but yes… it could happen. Like I said, it's not that common. Sam and Jared have imprinted, but that's all out of eight of us."

"Is there no chance… I mean, could it still happen with me?" I didn't necessarily want to be imprinted on, or to have Jake imprint, but at this point it seemed preferable to the alternative.

"According to the legends, it always happens the first time we look into her eyes after we have gone through the change. So, no, unless the legends are wrong, if it were going to happen with you, it would have already."

Jake hesitantly brought his hand up to my chin and gently lifted my face to look at him. Unwillingly, I finally focused my eyes on his face and immediately wished I hadn't. I saw my pain mirrored in his eyes and it did me in; the tears I had been holding back started flowing down my cheeks and I turned and walked a few steps away from him, hiding my face in my hands.

I couldn't look at him… I didn't want to see the evidence in his face of what I now knew was the truth. As much as he loves me and may want to spend his life with me, he might end up leaving me someday and there was nothing either of us could do about it.

I felt Jake close behind me. "Bella, talk to me honey," he said as he tentatively put his hands on my shoulders.

Everything else about this whole wolf thing I had taken in stride, even embraced and enjoyed parts of it, but this was too much. To have Jake love me so fiercely and to figure out I was in love with him, a powerful healing love, only to discover fate, or the universe, or whatever, could rip it away from me… we couldn't stop it, we couldn't change it. Unfair didn't even begin to describe it!

My chest began to ache, my heart ready to fall to pieces again, a new hole threatening to rip open. I couldn't breathe. I wrapped my arms around myself… an act I thought I was done with… one Jake knew all too well. I stumbled forward and I felt his arms go around me from behind. He was speaking to me, but it sounded far away, the words muffled and incomprehensible. Blackness started to close in on me as I gasped for air. I was slipping away… falling, even though Jake was holding me up. I felt Jake's arms lift me and cradle me against his chest, right before the blackness overtook me.

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