CHAPTER 19

*****JACOB POV*****

THE NEXT MORNING Bella took one of her pain pills with breakfast so Emily could help her take her first proper bath in almost a week. The doc had recommended a soaking powder to put in her bath to help heal and ease the discomfort of the bruising, which Emily had graciously picked up for Bella. He also said the sling that kept her left arm immobile could come off this morning.

We were reclined on the bed after her bath, to give her body a chance to relax and recover after having to move around so much this morning. Lying on my back, Bella was snuggled up against my side with her head resting on my arm and her now freed left arm draped across my chest. The cast made it lay funny, but she was just relieved to be able to straighten it out.

I was relishing having her so close to me all of the time, and I definitely could get used to waking up with her by my side every morning. Turning my head to press a kiss to Bella's brow I breathed in deeply, thankful to take in her full scent, untainted by vampire stench or other blood for the first time in over a week. I had forgotten, however, just how potent her scent had become to me, and suspected it had intensified even more, as an unexpected wave of desire took me by surprise as it slammed through me. I hadn't had to deal with her clean scent in so long that it was too much for me, and a groan escaped my throat.

"What's wrong Jake?" I could tell by the breathy sound of her voice she knew exactly what that groan had meant.

I gently rolled her onto her back and buried my face against her neck. I knew I was playing with fire, but I needed to breath her in, needed to saturate my senses so I could get used to it once more. She sucked in a breath as I ran my nose up the length of her neck and took another deep breath, then trailed a line of kisses back down to her collarbone.

"Your scent is so clean now," I said against her skin, my voice husky, as I fought to control myself. "Between the vampire stench and the other blood, it's been masked while you were in the hospital. The pureness of it caught me off guard. Just give me a minute."

"Oh, okay," was all she said, and I could hear her heart hammering inside her chest.

After a few more moments of breathing her in, my lips against her skin, I pulled back to look down at her. As I gently caressed her face, I saw my own longing reflected back to me in her eyes.

"Can I kiss you, Bella?" I whispered, hesitantly. I felt certain that's what she wanted, but I needed to make sure she was with me, and I wasn't forcing anything or misreading her.

"Always," she whispered. "You don't ever have to ask, Jake. I've missed kissing you."

I brought my lips gently to hers, my hand resting against her neck while my thumb grazed along her jaw, trying desperately to hold myself in check and keep the kiss soft and light. Bella suddenly gripped the hair at the nape of my neck and pulled me closer for a deeper kiss, whimpering against my lips, then brought her leg up, bent against my hip.

Oh man, that didn't help! I had to be so careful how I held her and moved her, so I didn't hurt her, but she didn't seem to have the same concerns and she wasn't making it easy for me. I groaned again and responded to her request to deepen the kiss, moving my hand down to her hip and very gently pulling her closer. I drug my hand slowly down to her knee then back up her leg, my arm laying along the length of her thigh, squeezing her backside, I held her close.

I don't know how long we kissed like that, but I finally regained enough control to break the kiss and pulled back, both of us breathless.

"What are you trying to do to me Bella!?" I breathed.

"Kiss you," she whispered innocently.

I let out one quick laugh, then took a deep shaky breath. She definitely had kissed me! It didn't seem she was thinking about how fragile her body was right now, but I could never allow myself to forget. I gently moved her leg away, rolled onto my back, and pulled her against my side again.

"I just need to be so very careful with you," I said, taking another shaky breath, "I'm afraid I could hurt you so easily right now."

"Oh. Sorry Jake… I guess without the pain, I didn't think about that."

"Thankfully, I'm already adjusting to your scent again. Not that it doesn't do crazy things to me most of the time regardless, but the more adjusted I am, the easier it is to ignore."

After a bit more recovery time, Bella spoke again. "Earlier, what did you mean by 'other blood'?"

"Well, when you first got to the hospital you had lost so much blood they gave you a blood transfusion, and it made you smell weird. I didn't realize I hadn't told you about that."

"Really? That's crazy you could tell a difference."

"I don't know if I would have been able to if it was anyone besides you. I'm just so attuned to your scent, any change is going to be noticeable to me."

We were quiet for a minute then I felt Bella tense beside me, and she began fidgeting with the collar of my t-shirt. When she spoke again, her voice was quiet and hesitant.

"Hey, Jake. I wanted to ask you about the night Edward showed up." She caressed my shoulder awkwardly with her fingers, her cast getting in the way, as if to sooth me as she spoke. "I don't want you to try to answer if it will upset you though."

"It'll be fine, Bella." She was always so confident in my control before, but seeing me so close to losing that control seemed to have rattled her a bit and it made me a little sad. The combination of how close he'd gotten to her, how weird he was acting, and how much pain she had been in had just really made it hard to come back down once he'd left… especially since her pain had continued.

"Okay. So, do you know why he was there? Or what he was doing? And how did he get in there by himself… where did you go?"

I sighed and closed my eyes. I knew this would come up eventually and I still felt a little guilty I had left that stupid window unlocked… or that I wasn't in her room.

"I'm really sorry I wasn't there Bella. I only left your room a handful of times the whole time you were in the hospital, and I never left the floor you were on, not once.

"I couldn't sleep that night, so I was just walking the halls for a little while." I opened my eyes again, staring up at the ceiling. "He was able to get in through one of the windows. I had opened them a few times to let in some fresh air and I apparently missed getting one of them locked that day. He must have been nearby and figured out when I left your room by reading my thoughts.

"As for why he was there, I don't really know. I asked Carlisle about it right after it happened, and he didn't know either, though I think he had some idea, but I haven't had a chance to talk to him about it again. Do you remember anything?"

"Mostly just the way it made me feel. I wasn't fully conscious, but I started having thoughts that didn't feel right, like I was thinking them, but I wasn't… it wasn't really me. I know that doesn't make any sense, but it made me uncomfortable and afraid."

"No, it kinda makes sense. When I first came in the room, he was breathing on you and speaking quietly. I didn't hear what he was saying because my focus was on getting him away from you and trying not to phase. Whatever he was saying was obviously upsetting you… you were struggling to try to get away from him, causing you pain. Maybe your mind was taking whatever he was saying to you and making his words seem like your own thoughts. You were pretty out of it on pain killers."

"Maybe. That would explain why they made me feel so unsettled. If that's the case, it means he was trying to convince me to leave you and come back to him. I don't understand why he would do that. He's the one who left, and he wanted me to move on, so now I've done what he wanted, why would he try to change it?"

"I don't know honey. Like I said, he didn't sound right that night, and Carlisle said he didn't seem to be himself."

"Well, maybe Carlisle will know more when we see him on Friday. Or maybe I'll get the chance to talk to Edward eventually."

I tensed. "Do you really want to talk to him… or even see him again?" I asked in disbelief.

She sighed. "I don't know if you saw the look on his face that night, but he looked tortured and empty… just like I used to. It made me feel sad for him, and if talking with me can help, then yes, I want to talk to him."

I couldn't believe she was considering this, and she felt pity for him. I wanted to pace, but since that wasn't an option, I moved Bella away enough to prop myself up on my elbow so I could see her better.

When I answered her, my voice had a harsh edge to it. "No, I didn't see the look on his face… I was too concerned for your safety! After what he did to you last fall, and then that night at the hospital, you want to try to help him?"

"Yes, I do," she said adamantly, obviously frustrated at my response. "I at least want to understand what he was trying to do. Despite everything, I don't hate him, and it makes me sad to think that he's hurting."

I looked away from Bella and glared at the wall, feeling hurt and angry… and a little betrayed.

"Jacob," she said softly, putting her fingers on my face to try to turn my head toward her, her cast getting in the way again. "Please look at me."

After a moment I reluctantly looked at her.

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to hurt you. You know I don't love him anymore, right? I only love you. I don't want anyone else… ever."

I closed my eyes. "Yes, I know that."

"I hate what he did to me, but I've moved on and it doesn't affect me anymore."

"I know that too and I'm grateful you're not in pain anymore over him."

"It's just… I can't help but think that if he hadn't done what he did, then you and I may not have found each other. No matter the pain I went through, I wouldn't risk changing anything if it would mean I might not be with you now."

I opened my eyes and looked at her again, shaking my head. "No, I don't believe that for a second Bella. We were destined for each other, with or without his influence. If anything, his existence in our lives almost got in the way."

She thought about that for a moment. "Maybe. Either way, I do want to try to help him… or at least get some answers from him about the night in the hospital. Will you be able to find a way to be okay with that?"

"Bella, I don't trust him. He was hurting you that night. Alice and the doc saw it and he had to see it too, yet he wasn't stopping. What if he doesn't like what you have to say and hurts you again… or worse?" I shuddered at the thought of what could happen.

She sighed. "I don't know. The Edward that left me would have never physically hurt me, but I barely recognized him that night in the hospital, and I guess I can't be so sure anymore. But he had plenty of time to kill me, if that had been his intention, so I don't think my life would be in danger. Could we at least talk to Carlisle or Alice about it? See what they think? They will know Edward's state of mind better than anyone."

My voice raised a little as my frustration grew. "You just admitted to me it might not be safe for you, yet you're still considering it? Maybe he doesn't want to kill you, but what if he gets desperate and tries to change you. Why are you being so stubborn! It's just too risky Bella."

"He never wanted to change me… he refused to several times."

I felt a stab through my heart at the reminder that Bella ever wanted to become one of them. I knew she saw the madness of that desire now, but it still made me ache.

"You can't go off of anything that used to be true about him, Bella. Whoever he was before, you have no guarantee that's who he is now."

"Please Jake. Let's at least ask Alice or Carlisle what they think. I promise I won't consider it anymore if they don't think it's a good idea."

My jaw tensed, so frustrated she was being so insistent with this. "Gah!" I exclaimed in exasperation and dropped back on the bed next to her, running my hands through my hair, scowling at the ceiling. "Fine," I breathed out loudly, "we can ask the doc, but I'm going to hold you to that promise. If he says no, then no more discussion… and if he says yes… well, we will need to talk about it more, because it's going to take a lot to convince me this is a good idea."

"I can live with that." She sounded relieved and I just couldn't understand her insistence about this, but there was nothing more to be done about it for the moment.

I sighed and put my arm back around her and she moved close against me again, resting her head back on my arm. I hated arguing with her, but this was very unsettling to me. My concern returned about what her reaction to him would be. I said I knew she only loved me, that she had moved on and wasn't affected by him anymore, but I had to question if I believed it whole-heartedly, without reservations. I wanted to, but knowing she still cared for him at all did not give me the confidence I wished I had. What if the drug he had been to her proved to be too strong? No, I couldn't think that way. I had to trust in what Bella and I had, that it would be strong enough to overcome him… it did that once before and we were even stronger now.

If the doc thought it was safe for her to talk to Edward, then I was probably going to lose this battle. She would at least not go alone. It probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to go, though I'm not sure I'd be able to stop myself. Sam would definitely go, and hopefully Embry and Jared too… they would be the best ones to keep a level head in that situation. And I would insist on the doc and Alice being there too. God, I can't believe I was even considering this! She was too damn stubborn for her own good sometimes.

Her heavy, even breathing alerted me that, while I was stewing in my frustration, she had fallen asleep again. I turned on my side to pull her into my chest and bury my face in her hair, the strawberry scent enveloping me.

We would see the doc again in a couple of days, and I hoped he would discourage her from meeting with Edward… or he could convince me it was safe, though I doubted either was going to happen. She was probably going to meet with the bloodsucker that nearly destroyed her, and I was going to go insane while she was doing it.