Earth... Fire... Air... Water...
The Avatar's destiny has been fulfilled, and soon, her story will end.
AVATAR
The Celestial Sailors
BOOK THREE: DEATH
35: Nightmares
Bodmall could no longer open her eyes, but she felt something warm and familiar holding her hand. She squeezed back, swallowing, her life ebbing.
"Come on, old woman," she heard Liath say. "Everyone else has already left the island. We're the last two."
"No," she whispered, smiling peacefully. "It's okay, Liath. It's okay. I don't mind dying here. It's Sumeru, after all. The Mountain of the Gods. I'd be...happy to lay to rest here."
"Whatever happened to burying your heart in the ziggurat at Taku?" Bodmall blew a rude raspberry.
"I was high on fumes when I said that—and naked—covered in paint, and probably twenty or thirty years younger. No, no, this is where I want to go. Let the island bury me and the sea consume me. A fitting end for the derwydd of the Fomorii. How..." She swallowed as she felt raindrops on her cheek. She didn't know Liath was weeping until she reached up to touch her face. "How many of us are left?"
"I'm not sure. A few thousand, maybe."
"Oh really? And Ael and Ann?" Liath nodded. She held Bodmall closer.
"Yeah. They made it."
"Good, good," Bodmall whispered. "Good. So the Fomorii live to see another day. Good. Li...Liath."
"I'm here, Boddy." She cackled softly.
"You know I...hate it when you...call me that. Sheesh, dumb girl. Just listen, okay?"
Liath nodded. The pulse slowed. The breath became shallow.
"Pwyll. He's...next. Derwydd. He's a good man. Pwyll, understand?"
"Yeah, Boddy, I understand."
"And get yourself married, okay? For real. Plenty of good men around here. Or a woman, I don't care. Marry a Milesian if you have to."
"I'll try," she sobbed. Bodmall nodded.
"Good, good. By the...Tuatha, Liath, I never thought I'd...see the day when...Wan Shi Tong left his...musty library. Heh, lazy owl. Heh."
And so the derwydd Bodmall, the Druid of the Fomorii, breathed her last. Liath closed Bodmall's eyes, crossed her arms over her chest, and covered her with the sprig of a holly tree. She was the very last person to leave Sumeru before it sunk into the ocean and vanished forever. In tears she rowed away, singing in the wind.
…...
Usagi put the glaive in Hotaru's free hand and together they bore it across the back of the Lord of all Lion-Turtles, leaping off the edge of the shell onto his exposed neck. The two women looked at each other, nodding, ready for the end. Together they sank the glaive of the Death-Bender inside their enemy, blade and shaft until nothing was left. He screamed violently, baring teeth as huge as towers, blood pouring from his neck and mouth and eyes.
"You killed me!" he screamed. "You swore you'd find a way to solve this without killing anybody! Hypocritical murdering Avatar! YOU KILLED ME!"
"You killed me," she heard Queen Beryl wailing, stretching a long skeletal finger out. Her face was emaciated, rotting, maggots and worms burrowing through her skin. "I'm dead because of you! Look at what's become of Ba Sing Se because of you! It's on the verge of collapse again! Kalkin slaved away his entire life to save it, and now it's ruined! Everything was fine until you came along! MURDERER! USURPER!"
"MURDERER!" Iblis shouted.
"Murderer!" Beryl shouted. Vainamoinen's gaunt, sunken face looked up at her from a pile of ashes.
"Ungrateful girl! I showed you the greatest power in the world, and you use it to slay the Lord of all Lion-Turtles? Just look at what's become of the world now! Things are worse than before! You're a failure!"
"Murderer! Failure! Usurper! Hypocrite!"
Their faces consumed her vision until she woke up with a shriek, perspiring and breathing heavily. Usagi clutched the bedsheets to her chest, heaving, eyes flared open, shaking. She had barely begun gasping when she noticed the window was open, letting in that accursed light...
My light! YOU KILLED ME!
"Close it!" she screamed, throwing the sheets with a strength that belied her condition. "Shut it, please, someone shut it now!" She scrambled away on wobbly legs, upsetting the bed covers and knocking over her bedside table. Water and flowers scattered everywhere. Haruka burst through the door the instant she heard the vase fall to the floor, taking only an instant to stare in horror before slamming the window shut.
"Usagi!" she called. The other girl was still panicked, gasping so much that she suffocated; wailing, keening, helpless and pitiful. Haruka bounded to her side, calling her name, reached out for her—
"Stay back!" she screamed. Usagi was hysterical; Haruka jerked back in surprise. Rei stormed in shortly, ready for the worst.
"What is it, what's happening?"
"She's freaking out," Haruka explained, not daring to move. "She's lost her mind! Usagi, look at me! Listen! It's Haruka!" Usagi slapped at the air, groaning and whining; Rei braved the storm and snapped her arms around the other girl's body, holding her and shushing her.
"It's okay. Usagi, it's okay, it's okay. Ssssh. It's me, it's Rei, I'm here with you. It's Rei."
"I killed them," she murmured, her eyes flickering wildly. "They're all dead. I killed them. K-keep the window closed, please."
"We closed it, Usagi. Everything's all right now. You just had a nightmare. It's okay now. Sssshh." She caressed Usagi's hair and rocked her, assuring her that all was well. Eventually, it could've been an hour later, she drew a deep, calming breath, and finally settled.
"Are you better now?" Rei asked. Usagi's head trembled. "Do you want to talk about it?" No answer. "Well, I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what you want—and if you just want me to stay, then you don't have to say anything, okay? It's all right." Usagi caught her breath, then wiped a sleeve across her face. She noticed the flowers, vase, and spilled water on the floor.
"I m...made a m-m-mess."
"That's okay, we'll clean it up later. We were going to get you some fresh flowers anyway. Don't worry."
Usagi finally nodded. She took another deep breath and silently indicated that she was better. Rei gingerly helped her back into bed.
"Sorry," she whispered, drying her eyes. "Not s-sleeping well. Bad dreams."
"I told you not to eat so many sweets before bed," Rei whispered playfully. Usagi cracked a brittle smile and even laughed a little. Sensing that she was no longer needed, Haruka awkwardly dismissed herself, leaving just the two of them. Rei slowly began to pick up the flowers and put them back in the vase. Sensing that Usagi wasn't in the mood to talk, she touched her hand and patiently kept it there.
Finally, the silence broke: "Did you just get in?"
"Yeah. Grandpa said that I was getting in the way, and that my place was with you. He's had a few special helpers come by lately. Prince Ittou himself stopped by. We talked a little; he's going through...a lot. We all are," she added softly. Usagi looked crestfallen, so Rei tried to appear more cheerful. "But we're on the mend. Every day brings a new promise and a new possibility. I...I even decided to go on a date." Usagi certainly brightened upon hearing that. Speaking was still difficult, but Rei could pick up on her verbal cues easily enough. "Yeah, I know," she replied: "me, of all people! I...just felt like maybe it was time I...did something unusual, beneficial—for me. A desire that I had told myself I was comfortable not pursuing. And don't give me that look," she said, glaring cattily at her friend's expression. "Nothing happened. We just walked around the shrine and tried to get our minds off things. He's an air-bender; I think you know him. Yuichiro."
"Aah," Usagi sang, "rugged guy. Funny. Gran...pa's helper." Rei chuckled.
"Yeah, it was kind of a date of convenience: he was there, I was there, we both needed a distraction... And he sang to me, the silly dope." Rei giggled, which she almost never did, appearing more girlish than ever: she even blushed. "He's actually got a good singing voice. But I was tempted to hit him over the head when he suggested we do a duet sometime. Dummy."
Pure joy radiated from Rei's face, a light Usagi would never shirk from.
"Have you seen Mamoru recently?" Usagi nodded.
"Good visit. Went back. Had to. Busy."
"I heard a lot of our friends are helping him out, him and Motoki. Makoto says that it's been raining regularly now. Some of the Swamp folk are out there helping them, too—teaching them irrigation and such. Oh, remember Mamoru's White Lotus proposal? Your friends Gurio and Naru are officially the first two members. It's a reality now."
"Third," Usagi grinned proudly, holding up three fingers. Rei smiled cheerfully.
"Fourth," she whispered, "and with more on the way. Suen sent a letter saying that her group would join, and Kwame's group did the same. People are coming together." She sighed wistfully, holding Usagi's hand again, entwining their fingers. "I suppose a crisis will do that. People show their true colors in dire situations."
Usagi nodded. But something was still amiss.
"Mina?" she prodded. Rei sighed and looked away.
"No word. Ami went after her. We'll tell you the moment we hear anything, I promise."
"Thanks. Worried."
"We all are," Rei sighed again. "This isn't like her. I know she got hit hard with her father's death, but...we all lost someone in that fight...or something." She looked at Usagi's withered left arm, then at the Avatar herself. Her eyes were much dimmer now than they had been a few months ago. She was pale, gaunt, and feeble, in spite of the constant care and attention she got. Ami was optimistic, but when Rei asked Saeko about Usagi's condition in private, the doctor had a more ominous assessment. Would Usagi recover? Most certainly. But how much? Saeko didn't share her daughter's altruism. Her body, except for her arm, would heal in time, but her mind was a different story. This was not the first nightmare she had experienced, and they would likely get more intense and more frequent as time went on. Add onto that her unnatural aversion to light, and it was no wonder the elder Mizuno felt so grim.
"Hate this," Usagi whispered suddenly. Rei looked into Usagi's dejected face and squeezed her hand. "Hate how...weak I am. Hate being scared. Nightmares, the light. Thought I'd get...happy ending. Can barely...speak. Hate it."
"I know, my darling, I know," Rei whispered, touching her face with her free hand. "You don't deserve any of it. Some days I want to...ride out to one of the Lion-Turtles and curse them until I lose my voice. But blaming others won't help, will it?"
Usagi shook her head.
"No regrets, Rei," she assured her friend. "None at all. At all. I just wish...things...different. Better."
"One day at a time," Rei whispered, leaning in to kiss her forehead. They sat in silence until Michiru brought Usagi's food. It was firefly gruel, very inferior to what Usagi had made (according to Haruka), but it was hot and nourishing and Usagi was too hungry to care. Rei fed her, then helped her walk to the bathroom—Usagi did all the necessary motions on her own—then sat and chatted with her about pleasanter things. Usagi kept pestering her about that date, and for once, Rei wasn't shy about indulging her.
…...
killed me killed me killed me killed me killed killed killed killed killed killed killed
murderereererererer murdermurdermurdermurdermurdermurdermurder
failure, FAILURE, FAILURE, FAILURE, FAILFAILFAILFAILKILLKILLKILLKILL
IT'S YOUR FAULT I'M DEAD! IT'S YOUR FAULT THIS WORLD IS IN RUINS!
YOU KILLED ME! YOU FAILED ME! HYPOCRITE! LIAR! MURDERER!
KILLKILLFAILFAILKILLDIEMURDERDIEFAILKILLDIEMURDERLIARDIEMURDERLIAR
Usagi jerked awake, wiping the tears away. It was the middle of the night, the window open, Rei sitting in a chair by her side. Usagi's breath came in jagged bursts, and she was trembling uncontrollably. She tried to relax, but it was difficult to dismiss her dreams. Her bad arm shivered uncontrollably, the fingers grasping like claws at the bedsheet. Pain shot up and down the area where she had clutched Hotaru's weapon. Usagi brought her arm up to her chest and held it tight, like a weeping child. The muscles spasmed uncontrollably, shooting more and more agony, until it jerked away. She had subconsciously been fire-bending and had almost burned her hand. Tears came to her face but as she wiped them off, she transferred them to her arm, hoping it would calm.
She then looked out the open window, into a black sky. Clouds were covering all the stars, and the moon was engulfed. The darkness was soothing; Usagi felt herself relax; even her arm loosened and became still. She rubbed it as she stared out the window, her mind a blank. Rei stirred by her side.
"Hey, you all right?" she whispered groggily. Usagi nodded.
"Had another bad dream. Feel better now."
"That's good. Do you need anything?" Usagi looked around. The flowers had been replaced, the mess cleaned, her water filled. The night was cool and soft, her nerves soothed, the pain numbed.
"Hogging the bed," she said, attempting to smile. Rei chuckled quietly.
"That's all right. It's all for you anyway. But..." She grunted, stretching and yawning. "Maybe I should get some proper sleep. I'll ask Haruka or Michiru to take over for me." Usagi was having none of it; she scooted over and made room.
"Here," she said, patting the empty side of the bed. Rei hesitated, but as soon as she touched the soft mattress, she slipped inside. Usagi glowed with happiness and snuggled closer.
"Better?" she whispered. Usagi nodded.
"Much. Rei?"
"Yes?"
"Sing for me." Rei hesitated again. Singing in front of the entire world was one thing, but this... It seemed almost too intimate, too personal. But there was no way she could refuse. Rei took a moment to mentally go over all the fire priestess songs her grandfather had taught her, but decided to go with the only song she had learned from her mother:
It makes me want to cry, this moonlight, and I can't make a call at midnight because I'm naive; what should I do? My heart is a kaleidoscope. Guided by the light of the moon, we meet each other again and again. By counting the constellations' blinking, we forecast the outcome of this love. Born on the same earth, Miracle Romance.
Rei stopped singing; Usagi had fallen into a peaceful slumber. Rei smiled, kissed her cheek, and held her as she, too, drifted off.
…...
Usagi found herself in a gigantic, empty space, with no floor or ceiling or walls, only white emptiness as far as the eye could see. She winced and tried to cover her eyes, but her arms were leaden; she tried to run, but her legs were shackled. A painful, searing light burst open above her, burning her eyelids off so she was forced to stare. She tried to scream, but a fiery white arm plunged into her throat, ripping her voice out. It tossed it aside and began shredding her clothes off; she struggled to no avail as she was rent asunder, naked and helpless. The light intensified, shriveling her legs and arms, burning her face, until it had engulfed her completely, leaving her a living effigy.
Life returned as she awoke, and in a single action, bolted out of her bed and slammed the window shut. This took everything out of her, and she collapsed on the floor, breathing heavily. It had been three days since Rei left; Usagi was all alone in her room. The sun was barely climbing over the horizon but even that little ribbon of yellowy-orange light was enough to terrify her. She lay there, catching her breath, powerless to move, hating herself for her weakness and fear. Why was she so afraid of the light? Did it have something to do with Iblis? Had she grown so accustomed to it over the long days and weeks that seeing it again was revolting? Maybe it just reminded her of what she had done, what she had been forced to do. Killer. Murderer. Liar. Hypocrite. Failure. How long had it been since the battle ended? A month? Two? Yet she still couldn't get these thoughts out of her head. She thought she had gotten stronger, and could confront this, and be at peace with herself, but...
"I hate this," she said to herself, slamming her good hand on the floor. She slammed again and again: "I hate this. Hate this so much. I hate it, hate it, hate it. Stupid, stupid. Weak. Weak." Usagi was weeping again, so she wiped her hand over her face and crawled back to bed. She climbed up on shaky legs and stood, back turned to the window.
Failure. Weak. Coward.
She turned around. Her legs wobbled but they held firm. She took a step forward. Another. Another. She stopped to steady herself on the bed. The door was only a few feet away but it may as well have been in another country. Usagi took several calming breaths and began walking again, slowly and methodically. Step, step, step. Ami would be praising her by now. Step, step. A new record. Step, step. Rei or Makoto would be helping her stand. Step, step. She reached the door.
Pretty soon you'll have enough strength to walk all the way to the door.
Usagi took hold of the window's ledge. She hesitated. Bit her lip. Trembled. Steeled herself. Deep breath. She raised it, her eyes immediately shutting tight. She lowered it; they opened. A sigh. One more time, slowly. A sliver of light shot out. Usagi forced herself to look at it. See it peeking through, slanting as it touched the floor. Little dust-motes danced carelessly in the air. She took another breath. Fine so far. She lifted the window a bit more. The sliver grew wider and became a veil. Usagi put her good hand in it, saw her skin light up in the gentle fire. She risked putting her bad hand in it but shut the window tight as soon as the light touched it. Bad idea.
She waited until she was calm. Then she threw the window open all the way and stood full-bodied in the light. It was like her nightmare all over again: she couldn't even scream. She slammed the window, shutting her eyes tight, forcing the tears out. Her legs gave way and she fell to the floor again.
Weak. Stupid. Failure.
Murderer...
She heard a knock at the door. "Come in," she answered, her voice as ragged and disheveled as the rest of her. Elation overcame her as she saw Mamoru walk in, and there wasn't a force in the world that could've kept her from leaping up and embracing him. He was a little startled at first, but relieved, and held her close, his sanctuary in stormy seas, his balm for pain, his comfort and joy. They didn't speak for a long time. They didn't need to.
Finally, Usagi sighed and withdrew. "What kept you?" she whispered, attempting a smile. He grinned sadly.
"The usual. I needed to put out a lot of fires. I managed to get a little time off to see you."
She beamed beatifically and kissed him three times.
"For how long?"
"Just two days. Is that...enough?"
"It's plenty," she answered, falling into his embrace once more. Mamoru held her so close that he could feel her heart knocking against his chest. Her legs began trembling from the effort.
"Do you want to sit down?" She nodded and he led her over to the bed. They both sat and held hands, content to look at each other. "You know," he said, grinning boyishly, "maybe I should have you moved to Ba Sing Se so we could see each other more often."
"Maybe." Her optimism shrank. "But I think...I've spent...enough time there. Need to...take care...other places." He nodded, accepting their fates silently, patting her hand in assurance. If Usagi wasn't the Avatar, or if he wasn't the king...
"Ami says you'll be more or less recovered in under two weeks. Maybe then, if...I'm around the northern Water Tribe, or one of the Air Temples, we could..."
"Yeah, I'd like that," she replied. They both smiled again and squeezed their hands together. Suddenly, he withdrew, issuing a burdensome sigh.
"Things aren't looking so great in Ba Sing Se. It feels like every time I make any headway, there are countless new problems popping up. Every day is like trying to walk across a tightrope, carrying a bunch of elk-raccoons in my arms, while trying to dodge archers from below. I've had a lot of help coming in—Kwame, your friend Naru, even a few people from the other nations—but it still feels overwhelming. I know I said I'd never give up, that every problem has a solution, but that light at the end of the tunnel seems dimmer and more distant every day. I...I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm complaining; I know you don't need any of that now."
Usagi smiled patiently and reached out for his hand.
"It's okay. You can talk. I'll listen." He squeezed her hand, kissed it softly, and scooted closer.
"The people are wondering when I'll take a wife," he said, getting to the heart of his concerns. "They say the land will be better if I have a queen by my side. My father and grandfather had one; Motoki has one; why not me? But I already know the answer to that. There's only one woman I'll ever want by my side...and..." He cast his face down, idly caressing Usagi's hand, almost on the verge of tears. Usagi reached out, touching his cheek, bringing their foreheads together.
"I'm selfish," he whispered, staring directly into her eyes. "I want to keep you for myself, all for myself...but you're the Avatar. You...belong to the world. And I belong to the Earth Kingdom. Usagi, trust me, if I could, I'd..."
"If you asked, I'd say yes," she whispered, holding him once more. "I wouldn't even care who you were, or who I was. I'd say yes." He issued a bittersweet chuckle.
"I'd say yes if you asked me, too." They looked at each other again, kissing deeply, not wanting the moment to end. Fingers wove through hair. Lips on skin. Gasps, sighs, smiles, tears.
"Mamoru," she whispered, "take me outside." He didn't question her, he just helped her stand up and supported her as she walked. He opened the door for her, and together, the two of them walked out into broad daylight. Usagi kept her eyes shut and trembled, but she walked out all the same.
They stood together in utter silence for a very long time.
"I'm selfish, too," said Usagi, as she opened her eyes again. She only saw the man she loved. "Marry me, Mamoru."
He chuckled. "Hey, that's supposed to be my line, bun-head!"
She grinned and gave him a little shove. "So ask me, weasel-face!"
He touched her face, kissing twice. "Be my wife, Usagi." She nodded, they kissed. They went back inside and made a pact with one another. It would be their little secret. No matter what else happened, no matter who else knew or didn't know, they would always...
He spent the night with his new bride, and she slept without any nightmares.
…...
When Mamoru left, Usagi returned to her bed. She drank some water, peeled back the covers...
Hesitated.
Walked over to the window. Opened it.
Kept it open as she went back to the bed.
Smiled.
The light meant something else now.
The End of "Nightmares"
Next time: "Vigilante"
Author's note:
In this chapter, along with the previous, Usagi is exhibiting symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). If this is troubling for anyone, I do apologize, but I felt like it would be the most appropriate way for the story to go, considering everything that's happened. She was already showing signs of trauma in Book Two when the topic of Queen Beryl was brought up, but Book Three takes that to its most extreme. Hopefully I've covered this mental disorder (and its treatment) respectfully.