Chapter 76
Jessie was still sitting on the couch after Bobby had left to go into the kitchen to see who had showed up. She sat there, listening closely to see if she could hear what was going on, but she really had no need as Bobby's voice boomed loudly moments later.
"What are you two idjits doing here? I thought I told you not to come back until tomorrow?"
She couldn't hear the response, but she immediately knew who it was. Sam and Dean. She felt her heart sink just slightly. She had wanted a couple more days with Bobby and away from having to deal with Sam. As much as she missed him, things between them were strange and she really wasn't up to dealing with that quite yet. In fact, she wasn't really up to dealing with much. Even the thought of hunting seemed to overwhelm her right now. She just needed more time to adjust to her surroundings again and to work through the trauma she'd suffered in hell.
While she couldn't quite make out what anyone was saying, she could tell the discussion in the kitchen was heated. She couldn't understand why Bobby would be so bothered by them being here. All she could do was wonder if it had something to do with what he was going to tell her. What did he need to tell her so badly he couldn't do it with the Winchesters around, she wondered. She took a few short moments to mull it over in her head, then decided she wasn't in the mood to deal with the tension. She grabbed her laptop and headed upstairs into her bedroom.
She sat on her bed with her back up against the headboard and her legs crossed with the laptop balanced across her lap, continuing to read an article she had started reading earlier in the day. And while she tried to pay attention and understand the words she was reading, she couldn't help but get distracted by the thoughts in her head. She had been happy not long ago. Bobby had treated her to the best meal and dessert she'd probably ever had. And now she was hiding upstairs to avoid any unpleasantness. It felt strange and alien to her. It wasn't really like her to hide or be incredibly anxious. But here she was, feeling exactly that. She wished she could talk to a psychiatrist. She knew the trauma she'd gone through needed to be talked about with someone so she could deal with it, but where could she find one who specialized in hell and torture? She knew that was impossible, yet she also knew she couldn't talk to either of the three men in her life. They wouldn't understand. Even though both of the brothers had previously gone to hell, she was pretty sure her torture was much different to theirs. And she had no intention on ever telling them how different. For their own sake as much as her own.
While she tried to focus her mind back onto the article, it was nearly impossible. Her mind just didn't find the article interesting enough to keep her from being inside her head. The frustration made her angry and upset, so she decided to close her laptop and place it on the bedside table. Then she climbed under the covers and closed her eyes, hoping to get some respite from the world. She got her wish, falling asleep almost instantly.
When she next opened her eyes, it was still dark. She wanted to know what time it was, but she had forgotten her phone somewhere. Then she remembered her laptop was on the bedside table. She rolled over, grabbing her laptop and pulling it onto the bed beside her and opened it up. It said it was 2 a.m. She sighed loudly, wondering if she could just go back to sleep, even though she felt wide awake. She didn't know what had happened since she fell asleep and she wasn't really ready to find out either. But she was awake and incredibly thirsty, so she decided against her better judgment to go down to the kitchen to get a drink.
Being as careful as possible, she quietly crept down the stairs and the hallway, stopping in front of the kitchen door. She could see a light was on, but had no idea if someone was in there or they had just left the light on. She closed her eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, letting it out quietly, then opened the door and walked in. She sighed audibly in relief when she found no one around.
She poured herself a glass of milk then sat down at the table to drink it. Her mind began to wander to earlier in the day. She was so deep in thought she didn't notice the kitchen door open until it was fully open and Bobby was standing there.
"How come you're still awake?" Jessie asked in a hushed voice.
He closed the door behind him and sat down at the table beside her.
"I could ask you the same thing, young lady" he replied with the slightest hint of a grin.
She smiled teasingly. "I fell asleep really early. You expect me to sleep eighteen hours or something?"
"Would that be such a bad thing?" he asked with a grin.
She smiled, shaking her head slightly. "So, where are the visitors?"
He gazed with confusion for a quick moment. "The boys? Dean's in his room and Sam's in mine."
"You gave up your room?" she asked with surprise. "Why?"
He shrugged his shoulders lightly. "I figured if you woke up you wouldn't want to have to deal with them right away."
"Thank you for that," she said, then took a drink of milk. "I really thought I could have a few more days."
"I'm sorry, Jess," he said quietly. "I tried."
"It's not your fault," she said with a sigh. "Sam misses me. I can't blame him."
"Did you not explain to him you needed some space?"
Although she felt uncomfortable discussing her relationship with Sam, she knew Bobby was worried about her and she owed him a response of some sort.
"Yes. But I didn't tell him how much space I needed," she said with a shrug.
He eyed her suspiciously for a moment. "If you need me to talk to him for you."
"I'm good, Bobby," she said with a smile. "But thank you."
He nodded his head. "Well if there's anything, don't hesitate to ask me."
"Now that you mention it," she said with a serious look. "What was it you wanted to tell me earlier?"
"Oh," he said then stood up from the chair. "We can talk about that later."
"But..."
"This isn't the time," he said, pointing to his ears. "It's not that important."
She nodded her head in agreement knowing he meant he wouldn't talk about it while people were in the house. It just made her all the more suspicious. She couldn't imagine what could be so important that he couldn't tell her now, knowing the boys were sleeping.
"You should get some more sleep," he said as he turned and left the kitchen.
She drank down her glass of milk quickly then headed back upstairs, still moving as quietly as she could. She didn't feel very tired at the moment, but she also wasn't prepared to deal with Sam. Although they had been texting back and forth during the time they had been seperated, there was so much they needed to speak about. But not only that, she was very apprehensive about Dean. She had no idea how he felt towards her after everything that had happened. She imagined he must blame her for a lot of things. Since they had never had any time to deal with how she had lied and hurt everyone, she was sure he must still be angry. It was just another reason why she wasn't ready to go hunting.
She climbed into bed, pulled the covers over herself and tried to get comfortable. While that took some effort, falling asleep was even more difficult. With so much uncertainty floating around her mind, she began to feel incredibly anxious. She began tossing and turning until she eventually dozed off into an uneasy sleep full of strange and menacing dreams.
When Jessie finally decided to get out of bed it was mid morning. She listened to see if anyone was in the hallway before she headed into the bathroom to have a quick shower, returning to her room to get fully dressed. The smell of cooking was wafting up from the kitchen making her hungry. And although she was incredibly nervous to head there, she lifted her head high, feiging bravery, as she left her bedroom, walked down the stairs and the hallway and into the kitchen.
"Good morning," she greeted no one in particular, grabbing a mug from the cupboard and began pouring herself a cup of coffee as she ignored the looks from the WInchester brothers.
Bobby looked up from the stove where he was scrambling some eggs. "You hungry?"
"For your cooking?" she said with a teasing grin. "Hardly."
He winked at her in a way no one else could see. "Well I'm doin' the cooking so you either eat what I cook or ya get nothing."
She knew he meant he still wanted to spoil her, even if he didn't say it outright. She couldn't understand why he wanted to hide that fact from the brothers, but she decided to play along.
"Fine," she said as she took her coffee to her spot at the table and sat down.
"Good morning," Sam said as he turned towards her with a loving smile.
She felt herself anxiousness begin to ebb away as she looked into her husband's eyes. "Good morning to you."
"How did you sleep?" he asked with a hint of concern.
"The bed is a little lumpier than mine at home, but I slept fine," she replied with a smile.
He opened his mouth to say more, but Bobby interrupted by placing a plate of food in front of Jessie and told her to eat.
She smiled gratefully at Bobby, then began eating. She felt a little awkward eating in silence with one brother staring at her with concern and the other with an undecipherable look. But Bobby must have understood because he asked the boys how their hunt had went, which told her they probably hadn't spoken much the previous night. It made her wonder if he was still upset with them for interrupting their talk.
Dean began explaining to Bobby how the hunt went, while Sam would chime in once in a while to correct his brother. While it felt like old times, there was a tension in the air that never used to be there. She didn't know if it was just because of her, or if there was tension between all of them. It seemed to her that even Sam and Dean seemed a little off with each other. She knew this meant she was going to have to have some uncomfortable conversations sooner rather than later because the tension was making her even more anxious.
Once the boys were done with their story, she decided it was her turn.
"Bobby," she called as all three of them turned to look at her. "Did you tell them about Meg yet?"
"No. That slipped my mind," he said, giving her a knowing look then turned towards the boys and began to tell them about Jessie's meeting with the demon, Meg.
Jessie was silent during the conversation between Bobby and the boys. Not just because she didn't feel like speaking, but she was still eating her food. And when she was done, Bobby gave her a look, then directed Dean out of the kitchen with him, leaving Sam and Jessie alone.
"I've missed you," Sam said as he reached over and took her hand into his. "How are you doing?"
"With everything or with the Meg thing?" she asked.
He smiled supportively. "Well, everything. But especially the Meg thing."
She shrugged her shoulders lightly. "Exactly how you would expect me to be. Angry and upset."
"You're not trying to be brave are you?" he asked with concern.
Normally that would've upset her, but he knew her well enough to know she normally liked to play brave.
"No. Meg didn't want to hurt me, Sam," she replied. "She wants me to help her take down Crowley. But you already knew that because Bobby said so."
"I'm sorry," he said squeezing her hand lightly. "I'm just worried about you."
"But there's more, right?" she asked knowingly.
"What do you mean?"
"We never had a chance to work through everything before I died," she said squeezing his hand. "And I'm sorry. If I had known I was going to die I never would've made that deal with Crowley."
"You don't have to apologize for that, Jess," he said then moved his chair closer so he could put his arm around her. "You did it for our son."
"Yeah, but was it worth it?" she asked rhetorically. "I can't even be with him."
"But he's alive."
Jessie shook her head in agreement, although her mind wandered back to her talk with Bobby the previous night. She loved her son so much she gave up everything for him, but in the end, it didn't seem like it even mattered. She couldn't be with him and demons were still looking for him. She still thought everyone would be better off if he hadn't been born, or if he hadn't lived after he had been shot. But, she would never say those words to Sam. Especially after all the lies and betrayal to make sure he had survived.
"I'm sorry," he said as he noticed her frown. "I guess that's not much of a comfort."
"It is, Sam," she said as she leaned into his embrace. "It just hurts."
They were quiet for some time, before Sam decided to break the silence.
"Why don't we go for a walk?" he suggested. "It's sunny and warm today."
Jessie agreed, getting up and getting her shoes and coat on while Sam did the same. Once they were both dressed, they walked out the door one at a time then Sam waited to take Jessie's hand as they began to walk down the driveway together.
"This reminds me, I need to look at my car," she said out loud to herself.
Sam glanced at her and smiled. "Why am I not surprised?"
She playfully slapped his arm. "It was making a weird sound, okay?"
He laughed. "Same old, Jess."
She smiled back at him, but the comment made her think. Was she the same person she was before? She definitely didn't feel like the same person. She had never been anxious or unsure of herself, at least not during most of her adult years.
The couple walked hand in hand saying nothing until they were near the end of the long driveway. Then Sam released her hand so he could stand face to face with his wife.
"I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to have you all to myself," he said with a smile. "If only for a few minutes."
"Why would I mind?" she said returning his smile.
He shrugged his shoulders lightly. "I dunno."
Jessie stepped closer to him, resting her head against his chest and wrapping her arms around him.
"I'm sorry, Sam," she said as he wrapped his arms around her. "I wish things weren't so difficult for me."
"It's okay," he said reassuringly. "You just got back from hell. If you weren't just a little broken I'd be worried."
As much as she didn't want to cry, tears began to form in her eyes. It wasn't because of what he had said. She just felt so much relief being in his arms that she was able to just let go.
She allowed herself to feel every bit of suffering she had been through, crying for several minutes. And when she felt all cried out, she felt relieved. And moreso, better than she had since she had come back.
"Thank you, Sam," she said as she pulled away just enough to look up into his eyes with a smile. "This is exactly what I needed."
"I'm glad," he said with a smile as he stroked her hair lightly. "I was beginning to think you didn't want me around."
"Come here," she said as she took his hand and pulled him back towards the house, stopping when they got to a single vehicle in the junkyard that was lying flat on the ground since it had no tires. She sat on the hood, urging him to do the same. Once he had, she took his hand and gazed into his eyes. "I love you, Sam. Hell couldn't change that for me. But I just needed time to sort though things. None of it had anything to do with how I feel about you. You know that, right?"
He nodded his head.
She sighed, not convinced by his nod. She glanced down at her hands for a few moments, searching for the words she wanted to say. When she was ready to speak, she gazed back up into his eyes.
"Sam, maybe I'm not as strong as you and your brother, I don't know. But what happened to me in hell has changed me and there's no reason to pretend like it didn't. I don't feel confident and strong anymore. I feel uneasy, unsure and anxious. Like, I want to fight back, I want to get back what was taken from me, but that's the old me talking. And when the new me tries to listen, it gets anxious and says, look what that life took from you. Why would you want that again?" She shrugged her shoulders and sighed deeply. "The only part of my life I am sure about is you. I still want to be your wife, Sam. It's everything else that I'm unsure about."
Sam reached out and grabbed a hold of her hand without looking away. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that way after everything you've endured. And maybe you just need some time. But if you decide that you don't want to continue hunting, then I'm okay with that. Whatever it takes to make you happy."
She smiled thankfully. "I didn't think otherwise, Sam, but I'm happy to hear you say that." She stopped speaking for a moment to look down searching for the words. When she was ready, she lifted her head once again to look into his eyes. "The issue is, I want to be that person again. I just don't know how to get there from here."
"I wish I could give you an answer to that, but I can't," he said as he released her hand. He wrapped his arm around her supportively and kissed her on the top of her head. "You're the only one who can figure that out. It may just take some time."
"Do I have time, though?" she asked as she snuggled closer to him. "It seems like the demons aren't going to leave me alone."
"I really don't know, Jess," he said and sighed.
They were silent for several minutes, both of them just happy to be with each other. Of course, both of them were also in their own heads thinking about what had just been discussed. Not surprisingly, neither of them came to any decision, conclusion or any ideas whatsoever.
Although it was sunny and somewhat warm for a winter day, it was still too cold to be sitting still for a long period of time, especially on the hood of a metal vehicle. Jessie began to feel cold, so she pulled herself from Sam's embrace, standing up to face him.
"I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to look at my car while it's still somewhat warm outside."
Sam stood up with a smile on his face. "Of course I don't mind. Would you like some help?"
She stared at him blankly for a moment then grinned. "You and I both know how that is likely to go."
He pulled her close, kissing her lightly on the lips. "Probably not well," he said with a smile. "I'll leave you to it."
"Thank you," she said gratefully.
He looked at her with confusion.
"Just thanking you for being your usual self."
He smiled knowingly, squeezed her arm once in support, then headed back towards the house.
She watched him leave, unabashedly staring at his ass. It made her smile, but also made her feel something. Something she wasn't ready to feel yet. She shook her head at herself, then headed out to the shed so she could get some basic tools and items she might need.
When she returned to her car, she lifted the hood of the car then proceeded to put the keys into the ignition and turned it on. She then stuck her head under the hood to listen for the sound she'd heard when she was driving. She definitely heard it much clearer than she had when she was driving, but she was still unsure what it could be. She figured she would turn it off and make sure anything that needed lubrication was properly lubed.
After she had finished lubricating everything, she turned the car on again to listen. She was disappointed it sounded exactly the same as it had. After a long sigh, she turned the car off. And when she turned around, she saw Dean standing nearby.
"Hello," she said awkwardly.
"Hey," he greeted her. "Do you need any help?"
She shrugged her shoulders. "Have you come to check up on me, Dean?"
"What? Why would you ask me that?" he snapped.
She released a long sigh. "It's not an accusation, Dean. Just a question. I know Bobby is worried about me. I just assumed he sent you here to make sure I'm okay."
He dropped his defensive tone in an instant. "Yeah, something like that."
She glanced at him suspiciously. "Let me guess, he asked you to come, but you agreed because there was something you wanted to say to me."
"I thought we should talk, yes."
Although she knew she shouldn't, she began to feel slightly anxious, afraid of what he might have to say. She did her best to answer as non chalantly as possible, hoping he wouldn't notice.
"As long as I can work on my car at the same time then sure."
He smiled in agreement. "So what's it doing that has you concerned?"
"It's making a strange sound."
"Well that's vague," he replied.
She rolled her eyes. "Listen for yourself," she said, then turned the car on.
He leaned his head forward, listening intently for a short time. When he lifted his head up from the car, he looked at her with a confused look.
"You know what? I have no idea," he said with a light shrug of his shoulders. "It could be a few things."
She sighed loudly. "Yeah, I know. And she's driving fine. The noise is just, worrying."
"Well if she's driving fine then there's really nothing to worry about right now," he said reassuringly.
She knew he was probably right. But at the same time, she couldn't help but worry. It really had nothing to do with the car and everything to do with her state of mind. She felt like she needed one thing in her life she could have some modicum of control over.
"Are you doing okay?" Dean asked with concern as she stared off into the distance and was silent for many moments.
She looked at him with confusion for a moment. She hadn't realized she had been deep in thought.
"Yeah, of course I'm okay," she said with a hint of irritation.
"Jessie, I know you're not okay and you know what, that's okay," he said as he placed a supportive hand on her shoulder. "No one would be okay after what you've been through. I know I wasn't."
She pulled away from his hand, crossing her arms across her chest defensively. "Dean, please."
"Look, I know you don't want to talk about it. I'm not asking you to. I'm not even going to pretend I know what you went through, because I'm sure our experiences were completely different. I just want you to know it's okay to not be fine."
She looked at him with scepticism. "What's the catch?"
He looked at her with confusion. "What do you mean? Why would there be a catch?"
She glanced down towards the ground for a moment to think before raising her eyes to meet his. "You weren't exactly pleased with me before I went to hell. Why are you trying to be nice to me now?"
He sighed loudly. "This is why I wanted to talk to you. I, uh, wanted to clear the air." He paused for a moment, searching for the words he wanted to use. He knew he had to choose his words carefully. "I'm not gonna lie and say I was okay with how you handled things before you died. We would both know I'm lying. But, I've had six months to think about everything. And..." he paused for a moment as if searching for words. "And, well, I don't know what it's like to be pregnant or have a baby. And we only got to spend a couple of days with little Bobby, but, well, the protective feeling I had when he was around," he paused for a moment, unsure how he was about to finish his sentence. "Anyway," he said with a shrug of his shoulders. "I get it. I still don't agree with what you did, but I kinda understand it."
Jessie was shocked and surprised. And it wasn't just because she was positive he would still be mad about everything since he was one to hold a grudge, but also the fact that he came out and admitted it. He wasn't normally one who would admit when he was wrong. And if he was, he usually downplayed it. She wondered if maybe he felt a bit guilty for what had happened to her, or if it was just sympathy because he had an idea of the tortures she had suffered. Regardless of the reason, it made her feel a little less anxious than she had been. It also made her somewhat happy to know that little Bobby had had such an impact on him. As she thought of her baby, involuntary tears began forming in her eyes.
"I didn't mean to upset you, Jessie," Dean said as he placed a supportive hand on her shoulder.
She smiled gratefully. "You didn't. I was just thinking of little Bobby."
"You sure that's all it is?" he asked with concern.
She smiled and reached up to take his hand from her shoulder, holding it with both hands in front of her. "Thank you, Dean," she said as she squeezed his hand firmly. "It means a lot to me to hear you say that. It's been..." she trailed off as a tear rolled down her face, releasing his hand so she could wipe the tear.
Dean stepped closer then wrapped his arms around her in a tight, supportive embrace. And even though she seemed like she wanted to pull away, he didn't let go. He allowed her to sob into his chest until she was all cried out.
It was several minutes before Jessie was able to gain her composure. And once she did, she felt incredibly awkward. She had never been comforted by Dean like that. She had no idea what to do or what to say. So she did the only thing she could think of and thank him, albeit a little awkwardly.
He smiled in response, slowly releasing his grip on her. "Now don't go telling Sam I made you cry."
She laughed very lightly and winked. "I would never dream of it."
He smiled slyly, winking back. "Now that that's settled, I'm heading back into the house if you don't need my help with your car. It's gotten chilly."
"Go ahead, Dean," she replied as she glanced into the sky, noticing the fading sunlight. "I gotta clean my tools and stuff up and then I'll be in."
"Okay," he said with a nod of his head and headed back towards the house.
Jessie closed the hood of her car, then began picking up all the tools she had scattered around. As she was just outside the garage where her tools were stored, she felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. She almost dropped her tools in fear, but she managed to stop herself.
She hesitated outside of the door to the garage for half a minute, before she decided to just walk inside, expecting the worst. She figured if Dean could begin to understand why she had done the things she had done, she could get over her anxiety.
As she walked into the garage and her eyes adjusted to the dimmer light, she noticed a figure standing across the room.
"Hello, Jessie," Meg greeted her.
Jessie felt anger rise inside of her, but she managed to keep it under control.
"What do you want, Meg?" she asked with a sigh.
"I was hoping you had time to think about my proposal."
She stared at her with disbelief for a few moments before speaking.
"I thought I told you no. You do understand what that word means, yeah?"
The demon narrowed her eyes at her slightly. "I know what you said. But I'd have thought you would've had some free time to at least ponder the offer. It's a good one. Trust me."
She snorted loudly. "Trust you? Yeah, that's never gonna happen."
Meg was silent for a few moments, her eyes fixed on Jessie's. "Look, I don't blame you for not trusting me. But we want the same thing here. We both want Crowley dead. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to have a powerful friend to help you."
"Even if I thought you were either powerful or a friend, I can't trust you. I'll never be able to trust you."
The demon looked off into the distance for many moments before once again gazing into Jessie's eyes. "Fine. Can you at least agree to not get in my way and I won't get in yours?"
She wanted to say no, but figured it would be easier just to agree. "As long as you don't think we're in some kind of agreement, fine."
"I guess I'll take that," the demon said with a grin.
"And," she said quickly, "as long as you don't come by here or my house ever again."
Meg smiled one last grin, said, "fine," then disappeared in the blink of an eye.
Jessie sighed loudly before putting her tools back in their proper place. Once she was done, she began mentally preparing herself for telling Bobby and the Winchesters about Meg's visit. She was positive she knew how it would go and she didn't really want to deal with it.
A/N: So sorry this has taken so long to get another chapter up. I swear I'm really trying to actually finish this one, but writer's block is a B. Not making any promises here but will try to the best of my ability to get more written. Thanks for toughing it out with me. 3