They let the days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. Eventually, they get good at not looking at each other at the same time. Their eyes don't cross, even though they can feel someone else's stare on them most of the time. It's so easy to make all disappear to the ignorant minds, but their heart still races when the other is in the room. The team doesn't notice, how could they? The Hotch and Prentiss work duo just keeps getting stronger and stronger. They interview suspects together as if they've been doing it their whole life. So in sync, completing each other's trains of thought with ease and always knowing what the next step is. They work as one and that's a thing the rest of the unit does notice, but they let it slide as a she's been here for enough time.
Nonetheless, sometimes it gets too much. Pretending that they're just colleagues takes a toll on them, it feels overwhelming the need to touch each other when they're going through the motions of working a case. Their job won't get lighter just because they need it to be more bearable. The horror will never be over, even though it seemed to be easier to handle when they had each other, even if they can't say in which way.
From time to time, Emily chooses to stay at the precinct working victimology to avoid being in a car with him. Staying at the precinct also means getting lunch for everyone so she avoids dinner food and McDonald's. The first time she noticed that he ruined a fast food chain for her, she wanted to laugh hysterically until tears would came out. However, Emily hasn't shed a single tear for him, or eaten a chicken nugget with pickles.
She envies him, his ability to compartmentalize is inspiring, but most importantly, better than hers. He looks so put together, Emily is sure she's the only one who knows about his divorce. He doesn't show any signs that his life fell apart, he doesn't show signs of anything, he just looks numb. A blank canvas waiting for a drop of color.
It worries her, but she can't go to his door and beg him to tell her all of his sorrows, she doesn't know where he lives now. It feels draining to have him on his mind all the time without having him by her side. She was the one who suggested taking some time off, and she doesn't regret it. Nevertheless, it's complicated, she wants to be there for him, and at the same time, she doesn't want to confuse him. She already chose him, he needs to choose her.
Ironically, the case that makes her break is all about fear. Being consumed by your deepest nightmare, being powerless. Emily knows that cases about family men cut him deep, any case that requires the use of the word family can make him spiral down. Even if he doesn't show it, family is important to him and she respects that coming from a place where the meaning of family was a foreign concept.
She's been watching him for like an hour of their five-hour flight back home. Glancing in his direction at any given chance, not letting the dark be an obstacle. Usually, at this point, Gideon would've been the one to give him the talk, but no Gideon means no emotional support for their boss. Each one of them needs a confident, someone capable to understand and handle the lows. They had each other, but him? He feels the need to show that he's beyond talking about his feelings. He believes that if he's not the stronger one, he is the failure.
JJ notices how Emily keeps glancing at Hotch, failing completely at trying to be discreet and hide her worries. She thinks nothing of it, it was a rough one. "Why don't you go and talk to him?" The blonde suggests.
Her friend's voice pulls her out of her trance. Emily wraps herself tighter in the blanket already knowing she was caught. "I don't think he needs me." You know that's not true, she thinks.
"Well, I think everybody needs a friend." JJ studies Emily's reaction. Her friend looks troubled. Her eyes are telling a truth on their own that she's sure Emily is not ready to say out loud.
Emily wants to say that she can't be that, she wants to ask for advice, but the lump in her throat holds her back. "Not him." It sounds cruel to dismiss his emotions when she's so captivated by his mind and heart.
"I'm not talking about him." Emily looks suspiciously at JJ and through her friend's eyes, she sees she's been caught.
"That obvious?" The clever thing would be to try to figure out how much she knows; however, Emily can shake away the little feeling of relief.
"No." JJ emphasizes the word and Emily knows the blonde took a leap of faith and it worked. "I don't think nobody else can notice."
"Gideon did." It brings her back to the man's comment about not caring about her feelings towards Aaron and she almost wants to jump out of the plane. For someone expert in human behavior, she can't seem to control her own.
"So that long?"
"Yep." Emily nods with resentment as flashes of her moments with the subject of their conversation flash through her mind at the speed of light. "That long, that deep, and apparently, that obvious."
JJ wants to dig deeper, but Emily looks more distressed the more they talk and she knows better than to push it. "Aren't you going to ask more questions?" Emily asks.
Is it just a crush? Does he know? Are you going to do something about it? Have you done something about it? The unspoken questions are tempting, but JJ is not like that. "No, you'll tell me when you're ready."
"And if I'm never ready?" Emily looks so innocent, so small. Talking about her feelings is not her forte, let alone talking about her romantic feelings. Wrapped up in a blanket talking about him with such tone and defeat makes her look so frozen in time. JJ thinks she looks like the Emily that used to run away from her home to not confront her mother. The Emily who would listen to emo music to hide her worries as the cigarette smoke would take away the love she had for her parents. JJ doesn't know if her assumptions are real but it's hard not to picture a whole backstory for someone so strong with such a heavy dark aura that can sometimes overpower her natural sunshine energy. That shining armor wasn't built in a day, the same way that brightness comes from a place of needing it before and not having it.
"That's fine as long as you don't get hurt by it." Or by him.
Emily considers it for a second, stealing another glance at Aaron. "I don't think that's possible."
JJ takes a deep breath preparing herself for the ugly part of the conversation. "Just be careful, okay? He's him but that doesn't take away the finger on his ring." When the brunette lowers her sight JJ has her answer. Trying not to be obvious, she drops her pen on the floor and while she reaches to pick it up, she turns slightly to look at her boss' hands. Ouh. "Well, I haven't noticed that."
"I want to believe it wasn't me, but I know better than that." Emily fidgets with her fingers a little bit to try to calm her increasing anxiety. "When I was little, the days that my father could spend with us, I used to always go to the back garden so I wouldn't be able to see the women he would slip in. He used to do it from the front door, showing them off. He didn't care, he never cared."
JJ wants to mention that she's not him, she would never be him. However, Emily Prentiss only shows her emotions on rare occasions. "I promised myself that I would treasure the meaning of family, that I would be loyal to it in a way my parents never could and what did I do? I left a two-year-old little boy without his dad. I did it, and he didn't even have to insist. I did it willingly because I'm selfish and it felt good." Emily can feel tears treating to fall, but they're still on the plane. She can't break with him in front of her and the rest of the team can't find out who she truly is.
"Emily, you are not the one who was married." JJ whispers that last part.
"But that doesn't take away my blame." Emily stands straighter in her seat. "I have all these feelings for him, here," She places her hand on her chest, right on top of her heartbeat. "And I can't do anything to protect them from all the things I hate. Our actions and the things we could've done differently. It's like everything related to him is tainted and I really wish it'd vanish because nobody has been able to turn me into such a wreck before." Emily sniffs and cleans away the first of what she thinks would be many tears dedicated to Aaron Hotchner. "I don't love him now, but I always will if I don't do something soon." She cleans away more tears. "I won't live like that, I don't want to. I deserve better than always half of a heart."
"Oh, Emily." There are moments that the words don't reach, that turn silence into the greatest type of comfort. So JJ jumps from her seat into the one on Emily's side. She slowly wraps her arms around her friend and pulls her into her chest. She lets her embrace communicate all of the emotions that she can't turn into sentences.
"Is it safe to say that you can't tell anybody?" They laugh off the sadness as Emily takes the seat that her friend was previously using making sure she won't steal another glance.
Aaron is not sure of what makes him do it, it's not like this is the way he solves his problems. If there's one thing he learned from his father is that alcohol has the opposite effect when you use it to minimize a situation. As he exits his office carrying two glasses in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other, he wonders why he's so sure to assume she's still at the bullpen.
Sadly, he's right. Emily is there on her desk working on some paperwork. He quickly glances around the office to make sure nobody is still there. They arrived at the office at five am and some stayed to do their desk jobs, others took the morning off to come back later. Of course, without planning it, Emily and him thought the same thing and now they're stuck at the office at three am.
When he's sure that they're alone, he goes down the stairs, directly to her desk. She is so caught up in her report that doesn't notice when he places the glasses and the bottle right in front of her, making her jump a little. "Sorry." He says feeling an overwhelming sensation of adoration as she blushes slightly at the sight of him.
"Is my boss suggesting that I get drunk during work hours?" It's easy for Emily to joke with him to avoid any real feelings.
Aaron chuckles. "Should I be concerned that you think I would ever offer you whiskey as your boss?" Emily raises one eyebrow. "As your friend, I'm asking you to share a drink with me?" She swears she could've done anything for him in that second.
"Yes." She says not missing how her voice dropped a few decibels lower. "In your office?"
"I think we can use the kitchen table." She nods completely understanding that closed spaces aren't the best option for them. She stands from her chair and her hand extends to grab the glasses ignoring how he was doing the same thing. Their eyes fight for a second and Emily decides to be bold. She steals the glasses from his hand with her other hand and intertwines their already connected fingers. "Just this once." He nods because he won't deny her anything.
They walk hand in hand to the kitchen table feeling a sense of freedom, a word that they thought they'd never associate with being with the other. As they reach the chairs, they let go of each other leaving them empty. "That was fun." Emily says as they take a seat.
"Yes." He says dryly as he begins to pour each one of them a generous amount of whiskey. They drink the beverage in silence, enjoying the company. It's not complicated to get lost in the moment as the quietness of the place allows them to listen to the soft sounds around them. Their breaths, their sips, and the liquor going down their throats. "I feel like I should be the one to start the small talk."
Emily chuckles, admiring his subtlety to break the ice. "You're right."
"I like the sound of that." The humor does nothing but bring her back to all the times they've done this before. She curses herself for never noticing that she always stays at the office later than necessary for him, but those late-night conversations used to be the highlights of her days.
"I remembered something today." He leans on her chair giving her his silent permission to open up. "The night you told me about the games your brother and you used to play. We were just right here, opposite sides of the table and you told me about your greatest adventures in your backyard." He gets the hint of what this is about. She knows the story, but she thinks that sharing it again would help him.
Aaron smiles. "I am ten years older than Sean so I had to be the mastermind behind all of that. Back then, he would listen and do anything I told him to." He takes a sip of his drink for courage. "I always felt this great instinct with him, I wanted to protect him, and the best way to protect a five-year-old boy? Playing pirates or soldiers in our small backyard as our dad would beat the hell out of our mother inside the house." He takes another sip. "She tried to keep things quiet, but usually, she failed. Her screams would get so loud that I had to convince Sean that our house was haunted. He was very grateful that we shared a room so the ghost would never get him. He was never alone, I made sure of that, even after our dad died when he was seven."
"You were a very brave child."
"I tried to appear fearless, they needed someone and I had to be that someone." He finishes the drink in one gulp. "He would hit my mom and me, but never Sean. I like to believe that he got the message loud and clear, he already damaged me, but he had no right to do that to him."
Emily slowly grabs his hand over the table. Her finger caresses his rough knuckles with so much tenderness that it brings back memories of his mother cleaning his wounds as she promised to intervene sooner the next time. "My biggest fear is to turn into him. Every day I feel closer and closer because I'm sure that my son loves a father that is never there and that Haley took a lot of emotional punches in my honor."
"Hey," Using the hand that isn't holding his, she grabs his chin forcing him to look her right in the eyes. "You are not him. You will never be like him." I will make sure of that.
There's so much he wants to say to her, but he already feels like all of his wounds are open for her to see. He still struggles with his vulnerability, it doesn't matter that she has seen him bleed again from these stories multiple times, he would always need more of her on those occasions. He leans slowly and when she doesn't show any sign of objection, he places his hand on her soft hair and kisses her.
Breaking a vow has never felt so good, they think. They take their time, they melt in each other's lips putting it all on what they don't know if it would be the last time they collide. As they break apart, Emily smiles as Aaron takes the time to trace her bottom lip with his thumb making his way to her cheek.
"Emily-" But his voice fractures the spell. She can hear the speech coming, She knows what he'll say next and it's tiring for her to keep avoiding his feelings.
"No."
"Em-"
"No."
"Okay…" Aaron lowers his eyes to their hands without letting go of her. He deserves this, or at least, he feels that. It's weird how Emily is all he wants, but her rejection is the only thing that has felt morally right about this whole mess.
"Aaron-"
"No, I get it." After he speaks, she decides to put some distance between them, breaking any contact.
"I don't think you do." He looks at her inquisitively. "I'm not getting any younger and being with you has helped me realize that I want things. I want every single thing life can offer and that you already had. The white picket fence, the marriage, and the kids." Emily looks away from him. "You helped me see that my biggest fear is never getting my own family, a family that will carry the last name of someone who loves them." She brings her eyes back to him. "I want to give all the love that was denied to me."
It's hard to make a man understand the female perspective, but in that second, he started to see the world through her eyes. He wanted to tell her that he could be that man and make her a million promises he would never break, but he's not that kind of man. He's already the best most open version of himself with her, but he's not that. Words don't come easy to him and he breaks most of his promises. "I want your last name on my family line, I want you, but I'm getting tired of not getting all of you." She has her hand on the table and he doesn't hesitate to grab it. "I need to start protecting my dignity."
"Do you still think I'm worth the wait?"
She rolls her eyes at his little insecurity. "Yes."
"Then we don't force it," His brain is working at a thousand miles per hour so he struggles to find the right words. "We don't go back to before, but we will not avoid each other. You be you and I'll be me and if that brings us back here, we will have our answers."
Emily finally sees some determination in his eyes and she feels at peace with his idea. "Whatever that leads us to, I still want a family, I will not give up on that so I need to know if you're willing to do it all again, with me?"
"I thought we were taking things slow and you're already asking me to make you a baby." He says with cockiness in his tone,
She laughs because who would've thought he likes to crack jokes at awkward moments? "Keep practicing, maybe one day you'll have a good sense of humor."
He places a hand on his chest pretending to be hurt, "Right to the heart, Prentiss, a really nice shot."
Her chest fills with calmness, they are going to be fine, "All joking aside, I mean it, I know what I want and yes, I want it with you. It's fast and messy, but for the first time in my life, I found someone that feels like forever so I need you to promise me that you're going to stay like that. Can you always be the right person?"
"Always."